That beacon of movie magic, that icon of cinematic excellence, that scion of taste and culture, the one the looney Nicolas Cage is releasing a new movie this week. It’s called Trespass, about a family held hostage in their own home, so that robbers can use Nicolas Cage to give them access to some crap worth some money, but then he fights back and probably yells and twitches a lot in that way that he does. Also, natch, his hair looks terrible.
Oh, what’s that, you had no idea this movie even existed, two days before its release? That’s because it’s SO bad the movie studio wants to release it Direct-to-DVD (not even Blu-Ray, cause that shit’s reserved for the GOOD crap), despite the flick co-starring Oscar Winner Nicole Kidman (who knows a thing or two about making a kick ass trapped in a house thriller), and noted ab-haver Twi-villain Cam Gigandet. Did I mention Joel Schumacher directed it? I know, get excited!
Should we really be surprised by this turn of events?
Some of you out there may still have faith in Nic. You might be hoping that one day Quentin Tarantino decides to bestow his Comeback Magic on the Cagester, or that Tom Hanks graciously offers to step aside and let Nic star in one of those war movies he and Spielberg like to make on the weekends. And that may very well happen. For now, though? We’re smack dab in the era of full-time Nicolas Cage dreck.
To help you better sift through the mounds of movie garbage Nic is regularly delivering to the landfill that is The American Cinema, here is another edition of that handy guide known as “How To Tell You Are Watching a Bad Nicolas Cage Movie”.
- If Nic’s primary mode of transportation is anything besides a car, say a magical metal eagle or a witch carriage or a plane flown and operated by convicts, then you should drive yourself, angrily or otherwise, the hell away from the movie.
- If Nicolas Cage is playing someone considered “the best in their field” be it in driving, assassinating, magicking, acting like a human being, et al, you are watching a bad Nicolas Cage movie.
- Unless you’re looking at that creepy picture of Potential Civil War Vampire Nicolas Cage, any appearance of The Cagester in a movie set pre-1950 should be considered an automatic bad Nicolas Cage movie.
- Who directed the movie? Oh, it’s the guy who made Batman & Robin? Yeah, I’m SO sure he’s the guy to make a good Nicolas Cage flick. Except, oh wait, NOPE.
- Does the hot girl in the movie desperately want to bang Nic Cage? Then gross! Can you even imagine someone having lascivious feelings toward this guy?
- Is the title only one word? Best be adding a ‘The’ to it, otherwise you are watching bad Nicolas Cage movie.
- Are you watching a YouTube video of a gothic faux-ninja who vaguely resembles Nic Cage, doing spinkicks outside of a club and/or getting their ass beat in broad daylight while people stand around and watch cause the dude probably deserves it? Then congratulations, you’re NOT watching a bad Nicolas Cage movie, you’re watching a FANTASTIC viral video starring Nic’s idiot son! Good life choices you’re making right now, truly!
- Is Nic’s female co-star a former Oscar winner? Then you are watching her slum it hard (and/or pay for an addition to her house) in a bad Nicolas Cage movie.
- Is Nic’s female co-star the bad guy? Then chances are you are watching a bad Nicolas Cage movie, and some bitch is about to drop a bucket of bees on our boy!
- Is Nic’s female co-star January Jones? Then you are without a doubt watching a bad Nicolas Cage movie.
(NOTE: That last point is actually applicable to any January Jones movie co-starring anyone.)
- Is Nic still trying to pay off his massive IRS debt, cause he bought 14 houses, 92 cars, an island and a whole bunch of medieval swords, and then gave a whole bunch of power to his scumbag money manager in what is maybe the worst financial management decision since Rocky Balboa let Pauly give power of attorney to some idiot Philly lawyer who then bankrupted the Balboa’s and forced Rocky to fight dumb Tommy Gunn in the street until he hears that bell? Then you should maybe focus on paying off your student loan debt or your credit card bill, or hey, buy your Mom something pretty, cause you’re just encouraging Nic to make more shitty paycheck flicks, and you’re wasting money way more egregiously than him by watching said shitty paycheck flicks. (NOTE: Rocky 5 sucks worse than any Nicolas Cage movie ever made or will ever be made.)
- The movie was shot 3D. Three dimensions of Nic Cage SUCKITUDE!
- Does Nic Cage literally piss fire in the trailer? Then you will soon to be seeing a shitastic sequel to a craptacular comic book movie.
- Did Nic Cage’s character escape from hell in the movie? Then you need to escape the hell that is the movie theater you are currently in!
In all fairness, I truly hope Nic solves his financial woes, and can start being a bit more discerning about his movie choices. Much as I like railing on all the truly terrible flicks he keeps making, I’d far rather have the interesting character actor who lends his weight to get daring indie flicks made (like Adaptation and Red Rock West), or even the charming in-on-the-joke action non-star he gleefully became for a few years after his Oscar win. Here’s hoping that time comes soon, because we’re quickly heading to a point where it will be impossible to even make a Good Nicolas Cage Movie.
And by “heading a point”, I of course mean “we are already there”.