TheJay no longer posts here, but you can find his current musings here:
For all those who enjoyed this site, I say you have unimpeachable taste, and I thank you…
That beacon of movie magic, that icon of cinematic excellence, that scion of taste and culture, the one the looney Nicolas Cage is releasing a new movie this week. It’s called Trespass, about a family held hostage in their own home, so that robbers can use Nicolas Cage to give them access to some crap worth some money, but then he fights back and probably yells and twitches a lot in that way that he does. Also, natch, his hair looks terrible.
Oh, what’s that, you had no idea this movie even existed, two days before its release? That’s because it’s SO bad the movie studio wants to release it Direct-to-DVD (not even Blu-Ray, cause that shit’s reserved for the GOOD crap), despite the flick co-starring Oscar Winner Nicole Kidman (who knows a thing or two about making a kick ass trapped in a house thriller), and noted ab-haver Twi-villain Cam Gigandet. Did I mention Joel Schumacher directed it? I know, get excited!
Should we really be surprised by this turn of events?
Some of you out there may still have faith in Nic. You might be hoping that one day Quentin Tarantino decides to bestow his Comeback Magic on the Cagester, or that Tom Hanks graciously offers to step aside and let Nic star in one of those war movies he and Spielberg like to make on the weekends. And that may very well happen. For now, though? We’re smack dab in the era of full-time Nicolas Cage dreck.
To help you better sift through the mounds of movie garbage Nic is regularly delivering to the landfill that is The American Cinema, here is another edition of that handy guide known as “How To Tell You Are Watching a Bad Nicolas Cage Movie”.
- If Nic’s primary mode of transportation is anything besides a car, say a magical metal eagle or a witch carriage or a plane flown and operated by convicts, then you should drive yourself, angrily or otherwise, the hell away from the movie.
- If Nicolas Cage is playing someone considered “the best in their field” be it in driving, assassinating, magicking, acting like a human being, et al, you are watching a bad Nicolas Cage movie.
- Unless you’re looking at that creepy picture of Potential Civil War Vampire Nicolas Cage, any appearance of The Cagester in a movie set pre-1950 should be considered an automatic bad Nicolas Cage movie.
- Who directed the movie? Oh, it’s the guy who made Batman & Robin? Yeah, I’m SO sure he’s the guy to make a good Nicolas Cage flick. Except, oh wait, NOPE.
- Does the hot girl in the movie desperately want to bang Nic Cage? Then gross! Can you even imagine someone having lascivious feelings toward this guy?
- Is the title only one word? Best be adding a ‘The’ to it, otherwise you are watching bad Nicolas Cage movie.
- Are you watching a YouTube video of a gothic faux-ninja who vaguely resembles Nic Cage, doing spinkicks outside of a club and/or getting their ass beat in broad daylight while people stand around and watch cause the dude probably deserves it? Then congratulations, you’re NOT watching a bad Nicolas Cage movie, you’re watching a FANTASTIC viral video starring Nic’s idiot son! Good life choices you’re making right now, truly!
- Is Nic’s female co-star a former Oscar winner? Then you are watching her slum it hard (and/or pay for an addition to her house) in a bad Nicolas Cage movie.
- Is Nic’s female co-star the bad guy? Then chances are you are watching a bad Nicolas Cage movie, and some bitch is about to drop a bucket of bees on our boy!
- Is Nic’s female co-star January Jones? Then you are without a doubt watching a bad Nicolas Cage movie.
(NOTE: That last point is actually applicable to any January Jones movie co-starring anyone.)
- Is Nic still trying to pay off his massive IRS debt, cause he bought 14 houses, 92 cars, an island and a whole bunch of medieval swords, and then gave a whole bunch of power to his scumbag money manager in what is maybe the worst financial management decision since Rocky Balboa let Pauly give power of attorney to some idiot Philly lawyer who then bankrupted the Balboa’s and forced Rocky to fight dumb Tommy Gunn in the street until he hears that bell? Then you should maybe focus on paying off your student loan debt or your credit card bill, or hey, buy your Mom something pretty, cause you’re just encouraging Nic to make more shitty paycheck flicks, and you’re wasting money way more egregiously than him by watching said shitty paycheck flicks. (NOTE: Rocky 5 sucks worse than any Nicolas Cage movie ever made or will ever be made.)
- The movie was shot 3D. Three dimensions of Nic Cage SUCKITUDE!
- Does Nic Cage literally piss fire in the trailer? Then you will soon to be seeing a shitastic sequel to a craptacular comic book movie.
- Did Nic Cage’s character escape from hell in the movie? Then you need to escape the hell that is the movie theater you are currently in!
In all fairness, I truly hope Nic solves his financial woes, and can start being a bit more discerning about his movie choices. Much as I like railing on all the truly terrible flicks he keeps making, I’d far rather have the interesting character actor who lends his weight to get daring indie flicks made (like Adaptation and Red Rock West), or even the charming in-on-the-joke action non-star he gleefully became for a few years after his Oscar win. Here’s hoping that time comes soon, because we’re quickly heading to a point where it will be impossible to even make a Good Nicolas Cage Movie.
And by “heading a point”, I of course mean “we are already there”.
In Santa Barbara, in a car with a Country music loving lady friend, my Risky Business sunglasses on blast and the windows rolled down like whoa, the radio set to Top 40 pop per my request (natch) (obvs). And this song comes on:
Friend: Man, Rihanna does, like, EVERY song now! What’s that about?
The Jay: Now that Beyonce has transcended this plane of existence, and only resides in one of those of those futuristic life bubbles Hugh Jackman did yoga in from The Fountain, Rihanna is the go to hot girl singer for hooky-pop choruses. But also, and more importantly, this isn’t Rihanna.
Friend: It’s not?!
The Jay: No, it’s Fergie. This is the Black Eyed Peas.
Friend: Hold hold hold hold hold up, check it out. Like, Fergie Ferg?
The Jay: As in Fergalicious.
Friend: Up in the gym, just workin on her fitness?
The Jay: But with a methed up tranny manface, yeah.
Friend: Why does she sound like Rihanna?
The Jay: As opposed to all her other songs, where she sounds like a dying smelly cat version of Madonna, Britney, Missy Elliot, Xtina and/or Nicki Minaj, where approps, but with more wicked oblique muscles?
The Jay: It’s a mystery!
Friend: That makes me kinda hate Rihanna.
The Jay: Makes me kinda hate my oblique muscles.
/listening to the song
/singing along to the Fergie part
BOTH OF US: Boy, I think about it every night and day…
Friend: …I’m addicted, wanna germ you like a bug.
The Jay: …I’m addicted, wanna jam it up with love.
Friend: Jam it up with love? That’s not what she’s saying!
The Jay: Why would she be trying to germ you up like a bug?
Friend: Who can ever know what these idiots are saying!
The Jay: True. Most of the time I just hear the bleep bloop sounds of IBM computer keys getting clicked and low-fi ADR of knock off 80’s robot voices.
Friend: Fucking, Rihanna. This song sucks!
The Jay: I know. I love it, too.
(Follow me on Twitter @jasonamatthews.)
Seven Minutes later…
/hit snooze again
/repeat seven times
/turns off alarm
/rolls off bed to the left, instead of to the right.
The Jay: Damn, wrong side. Ugh. Another overcast, dreary August morning. Forgot to put a glass of water on my nightstand, so now I’m parched and scratchy like ScarJo monologuing in the Mojave. Hair’s all out of whack. Damn, my fav livestrong bracelet just snapped.
Sorry Ice, I gotta feeling today ain’t gonna be a good day.
Maybe there’ll be some good news to cheer me up. To the Interwebs!
/checks the net
The Jay: Hackers are waging war on Facebook? Somebody better tell Zero Cool to chill. More NBA players are ditching the US to go play ball in Europe? Fine. Let the damn Turks deal with Kobe’s diva bullshit for a while. Ben Affleck is rocking a Justin Beiber haircut. Anne Hathaway’s Catwoman costume is from the Halle Berry reject pile. Nothing good so far…
/checks more of the web
The Jay: The extra season of Eureka was scrapped? FU SYFY! Rebecca Black was forced to leave her school, cause of excessive teasing. Don’t people know this is Her Moment? Arnold is wearing an “I Survived Maria” shirt. Well, that’s his second worst decision ever, after Mr. Freeze. Somebody send that grizzled douche of a muscle bag to da coolah. Cripes, a big ball of suck is going on right now.
/checks world news
The Jay: Let’s see what’s happening in the world. Dow dropped another billionty points? Fantastic. There goes my fictional future kid’s college fund. No worries, little Max can be a dropout, worked for Kanyeezy. What else… Michelle Bachman is crazy on the cover of Newsweek. NBD. Real Estate Market is still in the can. Gas prices are still crazy damn high. London is still rioting, which is odd cause I thought Harry killed Lord Voldemort. Has the world gone mad?
/skims Google News
The Jay: Piers Morgan is hacking phones. Mac is now fat on It’s Always Sunny. Someone has graphic photos of Bruce Willis doing mean things to puppies, and is using them to blackmail him into starring in GI Joe 2. Ryan Reynolds lost Charlize Theron and his A-List status in the span of a month. My Miami Dolphins just let Ricky Williams go to the Ravens!!!! J-Woww turned her face into a Leprechaun. Some a-hole is taking a Hungry Eyes dump on The Swayze’s grave by making a Dirty Dancing reboot. Thugs beat the chariot out of Gavin DeGraw. Sue Sylvester was cut from the Glee movie. Gerard Butler is still getting cast in movies. Netflix changed my plan!
Why does the world suck right now?
Seriously, there is no reason to get out of bed today. Screw work. Screw the gym. Screw it all. There is nothing, I mean literally NOTHING that can cheer me up right now.
Wait. What’s this link over here?
BEST. DAY. EVER.
(Follow me on Twitter @jasonamatthews.)
First time we met, what was your first thought?
You tell me.
I thought… I thought you looked like Christmas morning. I don’t know how else to say it.
And why are you telling me this now?
I guess in the end, you start thinking about the beginning. …So there it is; I thought you should know. So how about it, Harry? Hmm?
I thought… I thought…you were the most beautiful mark I’d ever seen.
So it was all business? From go.
All business. Cold…hard…math.
Thanks. What I needed to know.
Also, I thought you’d like this, obvs:
There’s no place I’d rather be, than reading or watching you.
Bangarang, The Jay!
Bangarang, Harry! And thanks for the memories…
(Follow me on Twitter @jasonamatthews)
Sean Bean, the renowned, grizzled Englishman movie villain, apparently went full retard with his method badass acting on Sunday night, when he got into a bar fight, was stabbed with a piece of dirty glass, refused medical attention, sewed himself up with a first aid kit and then went back to drinking beer with his scorched Earth-hot glamour model girlfriend.
(What did you do on Sunday? Have Brunch? Hope you enjoyed that cottage cheese in a melon, you grizzly bear!)
Now, Bean has always been a pretty hardcore character actor. What with menacing Michael Douglas in that ‘Tai from Clueless is a crazy girl who won’t give up her secrets’ movie (Spoiler Alert: the secret was she’s on drugs – may she rest in peace…), trying to steal the Declaration of Independence from that pesky treasure protector Nic Cage, dubs crossing the Fellowship of the Ring, and using Famke Janssen’s mile-long legs as a lethal weapon in Goldeneye. But this? Hardcore. Ramboesque hardcore-osity.
It actually reminds me of a conversation I overheard at a bar once. I was drinking with some friends in Hollywood one weeknight, and there was this group of studio executives sitting at the bar, having a couple after work beers, nothing special. But then they started trading really outlandish stories about this actor who was apparently a legendary badass. Turns out it was Sean Bean.
I don’t remember the whole conversation, but I believe it went like this:
EXEC 1: That Sean Bean is a son of a bitch! Do you guys know Sean Bean?
EXEC 2: Oh, I know Sean Bean. Big fellow. Goes about 6’4, 350. He loves his beer.
EXEC 3: Hell of an actor, too! Did you know Sean Bean bodyslammed an orc once? Wasn’t even CGI!
EXEC 1: He’s a big guy, that Bean, isn’t he?
EXEC 2: Oh yeah, he’s a big man! Stands 6’7, 385 pounds.
EXEC 3: Anyway, on the set of the first Rings picture, Bean was pounding back Irish Car Bombs between takes, just to keep himself fresh. Had about 11 or 12 in him. He does a take, reaches for his stout and an orc is drinkin it!
EXEC 4: Drinking Bean’s stout? You don’t do that!
EXEC 3: So Bean picks him, throws him clear about 35 feet and chugs his beer. Well now, the cameras happened to be rolling and caught this display, and they used it in the movie as the climactic battle in Act Two. Saved the picture 400 million in special effects!
EXEC 2: And that actor is now paralyzed from the eyeballs down.
EXEC 1: We didn’t even pay him workman’s compensation! To Sean Bean!
ALL: TO SEAN BEAN!
EXEC 2: Did I ever tell you about the time Sean Bean brought a knife to a gunfight and won?
EXEC 1: Well, if you’re talking about Sean Bean, I believe it!
EXEC 2: There he was in the hinterlands of Germany, chasing war criminals for weekend jollies; 30 guys surrounding him, all with those special Nazi machine guns, and ole Sean Bean pulls out a simple pocket knife and says “Let’s go, gentleman.” And wouldn’t you know it, not 15 minutes later all those guys were chopped in half. The next day, Bean used their severed limbs to fashion an orphanage for starving children. All while polishing off a das boot of fine Belgian Ale!
EXEC 3: Sean Bean once spit in my face when I offered him $10 mil to star in a Michael Bay picture, but damn it, I still respect him! We paid that man a cool $15 mil and he was riveting in The Island! To Sean Bean!
ALL: SEAN BEAN!
EXEC 4: Sean Bean once took a boat hook in the eye from Harrison Ford while making Patriot Games. Bean didn’t even flinch. Half his face covered in blood, fully blind in his left eye, and he still hit every one of his marks, and delivered a perfect Shakespearean monologue! When the scene was over, Ford tried to apologize but Bean just waved him off, saying, “It’s called acting Harry, try acting like a man.”
EXEC 2: That Sean Bean is the best thing about Percy Jackson & The Olympians! Delightful flick. You guys see that one?
EXEC 1: Anyway, did you hear about the time Sean Bean slapped a cobra in the face? He was filming Troy out in the desert with Brad Pitt and Eric Bana, and they were rehearsing some scene, when a King Cobra slithers its way over to them. Now King Cobra’s are big, but not as big as Sean Bean.
EXEC 3: Bean runs about 7’8, 560 pounds.
EXEC 1: He does. So one hiss from this snake and Pitt and Bana are screeching and climbing the set, shittin’ their togas! Bean walks up to the cobra, no fear, cause he’s Bean, and slaps it across the set for delaying the rehearsal. He grabs the snake by its hood and goes: “Do you know who I am? I’m Sean Bean. Say it!” Then he squeezed the snake by its hood in such a way that a sound came out of its mouth in parseltongue ‘Sean Bean’. It wasn’t exactly right, but it was pretty damn close for a snake!
EXEC 4: Best damn actor in the business!
EXEC 2: That’s Sean Bean, alright!
EXEC 3: Sean Bean forged his own sword for Game of Thrones!
EXEC 4: Bill Brasky uses Sean Bean as a life coach and spiritual leader!
EXEC 2: Sean Bean once made a movie with Nic Cage and it was the finest damn Nic Cage movie there ever was!
EXEC 1: I saw that movie and you are right!
EXEC 3: To Sean Bean, a ten foot tall, two-ton son of a bitch, who could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing, all while performing Hamlet at the Old Vic Theatre!
ALL: TO SEAN BEAN!
I always thought they were just kidding around, but now, who knows, maybe they were downplaying the guy! Either way, there’s a lesson to learn to be learned here, and that lesson is this: Sean Bean is a son of a bitch!
…The Vow to show his complete range of facial expressions!
Tired. (OK, this one is pretty on point.)
Rachel McAdams vows to make us regret calling her The Next Julia Roberts.
The Vow hits theatres next Valentine’s Day. (And I will be seeing it 6 times. At minimum.)