I am a geek. That’s a powerful statement, one that should not be taken lightly, but instead, examined more carefully. After years of research and study, I’ve concluded that there are varying levels of geekery, varying hierarchies of geek allegiance, and a wide ranging point scale-style level of geekdom.

Traditionally, when you say you are a geek people assume one of a few things:

1. Lord of the Rings Fanatic

2. Star Wars freak

3. Computer Nerd

4. He’s a liar, and is really just trying to play off the trend that geeks are the new hot, and he has absolutely no clue that Quentin Tarantino directed one scene from Sin City, that E.T. was once called A Boy’s Life, and that Spike Jonze was the bad dancer from that Fatboy Slim music video, among all the other arcane bits of useless trivia that clog the minds of all geeks worldwide.

So in essence, that is society’s understanding of what it is to be a geek. It’s vague, it’s misinformed, and more importantly, it’s led to this odd emergence of geek chic, geek cool, and other avenues that bring misguided praise to a subset of people. Some how over time, whether it be from a few movie, music and arts geeks gaining fame and using it to advance our cause, or by a general takeover of influential jobs by our elite, Geeks have come to rule the world. Nerds are boring, socially retarded computer losers, dweebs are an offshoot from bad 80’s teen comedies and the only semblance of “spazz” that we currently encounter is from David Spade (and possibly a bit from Adam Brody). No, it truly is a geek’s world. And saying you are a geek is a bold statement fraught with peril, as, and this is the main lesson of today’s post, not all geeks are created equal.

Case in point, me. Just by looking at me you wouldn’t assume I was one. But as soon as you hear me speak, check out my extensive DVD collection, or hear me endlessly quote lines from countless movies you’ve never seen or heard of, you know it to be true. Does that mean I love the same things as every other geek, and despise what they despise? No, it doesn’t. So why make the generalization? Again, not all geeks are created equal. And here’s why…

This is me, the movie geek:

I have a degree in Film Studies. I have spent countless hours on the Imdb, honing my skills as a master Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon champion. I’ve watched mostly all of the “great” movies. I have read important film books. I have made my life about film. Heck, this blog is essentially an excuse to rail on bad cinema. So you can call me a movie geek. EXCEPT… I really don’t care about the Lord of the Rings trilogy. I recognize the quality of the flicks, but mostly when they come on I just fall asleep. I love me some Star Wars, even stood in line for all the prequels, but I don’t have any memorabilia, action figures or costumes. I can’t sit through movies made before 1978. I Netflix movies like First Daughter, Wicker Park, Along Came Polly, and other denizens of Crappy Movie Land. And these days I care more about celebrities than I do about filmmakers. So what kind of movie geek does that make me?

I am a geek, but with stipulations, I guess. For instance, I can use a computer, am somewhat literate, but I couldn’t tell you shit about CSS, RSS, or XHTML, and I can barely operate my copy of Adobe Photoshop. I love Bill Simmons, but I can’t stand Chuck Klosterman. I like alternative music along with my pop, but I think most of what Seth Cohen recommends is a bunch of sad, depressing, boring, wussy crap. I love Jerry Maguire and Say Anything but I don’t really care for Almost Famous. I love PC’s.

I don’t watch The Sopranos, Six Feet Under or Deadwood, but I never miss an episode of Entourage. I will happily go to an Arclight screening of The Last Boyscout with a Q and A by Shane Black, but I wouldn’t go near a screening of The French Connection with a Q and A by William Friedkin. I think Michael Chabon is overrated and boring. I think the Spider-Man movies are inferior to the X-Men movies. I love Meet Joe Black, but barely enjoy Fight Club. I think Kevin Smith is a better director than he thinks. I think Quentin Tarantino is a worse writer than he and we all think. I miss Jimmy Fallon on Weekend Update. I don’t miss The Chappelle Show (he’s more fun crazy).

I own more than one Britney Spears album. I own no Beatles albums (though I do like their music). If given the option, I will choose to watch a romantic comedy over a potential Oscar-movie. I liked Jim Carrey better before he got serious. I like Ben Affleck more than Matt Damon. I like Stallone more than Scwarzenegger. I think Will Ferrell needs to take some time off.

I like things neat. I like things clean. I don’t like to be touched. I like cheap food, mass amounts of jelly beans and prefer wine over beer. I think the Blue Icee flavor is a joke. I don’t like popcorn all that much. I think Mel Gibson was right for making Passion of the Christ, but wrong for how he went about selling it. I liked The Killers more when no one else liked them but me. I have seen every Pauly Shore movie. The Goonies is a little bit boring, and a lot of bit dated. I prefer Corey Haim.

I hated Lost in Translation. I don’t like Scarlet Johansson. I hated hated HATED Million Dollar Baby! I tear up at the end of Jerry Maguire, but I hate Renee Zellweger. You can’t make me watch another Woody Allen movie. Nicole Kidman is overexposed and under talented. Musicals are stupid. CSI is boring. Tim Burton is rubbish.

And I don’t like going to the movies anymore.

But if you think I don’t count myself as a real, old school fashion movie geek, then you is dead wrong. Because, and there’s really no getting around this, a geek is someone who likes something just a little bit too much. I have been in love with film since I was thirteen. I have broken up with girls because of movies. I have gained friends because of the movies. I have an education because I love movies. My extreme love for cinema is what makes me the person I am today. And that is the only real qualifier for calling someone a geek. Forget the likes and dislikes, the passion and the derision, if you define yourself by movies, music, video games, theater, or anything creative or artistic, than you are a geek. Plain and simple.

And if that makes you cool, or popular, or “hot”, well then, so be it.

Bangarang, Geek Dweeb or Spaz!