… actually, on second thought, yeah she does.

In searching for some constructive criticism of the site from my friends and family, I was given an interesting observational note. That note being that my calling Renee Zellweger Bitch Face was gratuitously mean. Granted this was just an example of the type of humor I am occasionally known for, and not an indictment of my writing style as a whole, but this criticism warrants mentioning. When someone says they found this or that funny, or they didn’t care for this or that piece, I can usually just brush that aside. There will always be haters, and hopefully, always be lovers. But this was about something deeper than my riffing on the wonders of Disneyland. This was an appeal to my entire celebrity observing mentality. So I’m gonna try to examine the claim of whether or not insulting a celebrity so cheaply is a mean thing to do.

First off, the context… I was never implying that Renee was a bitch, I was merely pointing out that when she takes pictures she has a tendency to look bitchy. The picture I ran with that piece helps to support my argument. Let it be known that I don’t know Renee personally, and can make no claims to her character whatsoever (though I would bet my thoughts aren’t entirely too far from reality). I don’t know any celebrities personally, and if I did, I still wouldn’t comment on their character. Because, yes, THAT is mean. But I argue that attacking a celebrity, or any other highly public figure, is completely fair game.

If I wrote in my blog that my next door neighbor is a skank whore that would be mean because my readers would have no frame of reference for who this person is, and therefore intuit that I was probably right. Framing someone’s fresh opinion of a topic is not a good thing. People should be allowed to form their own opinions. However, a public figure has a predisposed subjectivity about them. Further, a celebrity, once they reach the echelon of being a “star” crafts their own public image, and then proceeds to sell us that image, and not themselves as individuals. I would imagine there is more to Paris Hilton that sex tapes and sidekicks, but I wouldn’t know because she is too busy selling us the image of her being a young, sexy starlet. Again, I’m sure Renee Zellweger takes a lovely personal photo, but inevitably, when the paparazzi have their lenses on her, all her features go bitter.

This belief is only limited to well-known public figures, the people who grace the covers of magazines and create buzz simply by walking down the street, or buying a cup of coffee. If I slammed William H. Macy for being a bad father, I would get railed on, and rightly so. Though he is a well-known actor, he does not actively pursue fame the way a Lindsay Lohan does, and thus allows his performances to determine how the audience feels about him. However, if I rip on Kevin Federline people would laugh because he has been in the public eye and creating this image of himself as a bad father. So the theory goes that it’s ok for me to rip Britney and Kevin, but not someone like William H. Macy. Going off that assessment then, public admonishment is directly related to the respect a person garners by the way they handle themselves in the light of the media.

Stars carry baggage, whereas regular people or professionals just carry themselves. This is why it is ok to slam stars. The baggage they carry is only a weight because they want it to be. If Paris wanted to be taken seriously as a performer then she wouldn’t make sex tapes, or do reality shows, or be at clubs with Tara Reid till 2am, she would be at home working on her acting skills.

I mean look, a writer only has to work with what’s placed in front of him. I can’t make things up out of the blue (that’s the Enquirer’s job). All I’m doing is commenting on the perceptions and developments that the media has stirred up (with the help of stars and their publicist’s, I might add). If Lindsay never got freakishly skinny, I would never think that she did drugs. Comparatively, I don’t even know what Bill Macy does with his time, so I have no right to speculate. And nor would I, because I respect his work and his work ethic, and would never wish a scandal on him.

Celebrities create an image for themselves; it helps to brand their name in an already crowded marketplace. That image takes over their essence as a person and becomes the thing we think about when we read their name or see their face. I’m not commenting on Renee Zellweger the person, I’m commenting on the idea of Renee Zellweger as given to me by years of fawning People Magazine cover stories and bogus US Weekly rumors.

This is why it is so hard for celebrities to change their image, for the first time we are asked to remember their name for something beyond their talent, we associate them with whatever that first story is. And the only way to alter that first perception is by wildly diverting from it, to the point where your relationship with the public becomes distorted and dishonest. For example, a year ago everyone is in love with the winsome, wholesome, full-figured Lindsay Lohan. Now, she’s a child star gone wrong, a spoiled, anorexic party-goer who couldn’t engender good will from her own father, let alone the American public. She will never be a respect actress, because she chose to be a celebrity instead. That choice she made is also a choice to allow her image to be attacked by anyone and everyone that may have an opinion. Because again, we are not attacking her character, but instead the image she tries so hard to cultivate. Once you create the shell of your armor, you give free reign to the press and public to try and pierce that armor. That’s the concession you give for the right to be famous.

The other part of the observation was the idea that I may potentially be risking my future by bashing celebrities that I may one day want to work with. That’s fair, but I’m not gonna censor myself now, just due to the off-chance that one day Renee Zellweger picks me to be her love interest, or to write her next movie. I’m but one of hundreds of writers that pick her apart on a daily basis. And the irony is I like her work. I don’t like her as a celebrity, but I appreciate her as an actress. But if she or Paris or La Lohan wants to black ball me because I commented on something they ACTUALLY did, well then heck, that’s an opportunity that just won’t be knocking on my door.

Celebrities are fair game. Period. And anybody that tells you otherwise is just trying to suck at the teat of the Hollywood Press Machine. I would be selling myself and my writing short by pulling any punches. I’m a humorist, and I refuse to suppress my humor by giving a pass to someone merely because they have been in a movie. If society wants me to consider these people my idols, then they need to also allow me to choose how I worship them. Some I will bow down to, and others I will try to demolish. That’s the way it goes with idols. If they’re asking for it, they’re gonna get it.

Is it a little cheap sometimes? Sure, I’ll give you that. Is it possibly beneath me to comment on whether or not Renee Zellweger has a bitchy face? Yeah, probably. But in the end, yes I’m trying to make you think, but mostly I’m just trying to make you laugh. To keep you entertained. This isn’t 60 Minutes, it’s an entertainment humor blog. People come here to read celebrities getting trashed. When society grows up and stops idolizing celebrities, when my audience grows up and stops wanting to read about it, then I promise I’ll stopping writing about it.

But until then… Lindsay Lohan is a coke whore, Paris Hilton is a slut, and Renee Zellweger has a Bitch Face. And there it is.

Bangarang, Hollywood Press Machine Teat!