Us Magazine’s Head Just Exploded

This is what we get for lasting through a year chock full of crappy movies. This is the reward for an entire news cycle built around Brangelina. This is the pay off for the summer of Britney’s hell spawn. This is the day we have been waiting for.

This is the reason we have entertainment blogs. For days like this.

So much happened today that we’re gonna have to do a bullet point rundown just to sift through all the rubble. But before we start, let me raise a glass to all the hard working publicists out there who must have had the busiest day in their entire careers. Today was so busy that Us Magazine will probably have to run a double issue next week, with the celebrity bidding war for the cover reaching Louisiana Purchase-esque proportions.

Let’s go to the news:

- Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes Mate… Sort Of. Maybe. Probably Not.

Stop all the rumors, has the real story. It was artificial insemination. Katie donated her eggs to Tom. He’s gonna carry the baby. His close ties to Scientology, rigid research on the subject of reproduction and deep empathy for Motherhood allow him to defy the laws of physics and actually carry a child. And if you were worrying about it, no, he will not be taking drugs during the birth. And don’t even go near post-partum depression, the Cruiser will have none of that. In fact, he’s gonna have a couch brought into the delivery room so that the moment the doctor pulls the kid out, Cruise can squeal in delight and leap over the couch, fists pumping like a madman. Oprah is in heavy negotiations to film the birth.

Check back with me over the course of the next year as I track the hatching of the little TomKat pod baby.

- Nick and Jessica Split! Nick Immediately Dissapears From the Minds of America

Us Magazine is the first to sack up and call this story. To be fair, this item got tested once earlier in the year by E!, and with disastrous results. So who knows if this story is true? Either way, it makes me sick how eager the tabloids are to ruin these two people. Irregardless of the talent level of either of them, trying to ruin someone’s marriage just to sell some papers is just plain wrong, and one more in the long list of reasons why I keep my work online and not in print. They’re bloody savages.

- Nick and Jessica Deny Break-up Reports

Oh, well then… nevermind.

- Britney Spears Has A Sex Tape… Natch

This is neither news, nor a surprise. Who didn’t have “Britney Spears has a sex tape” in their “How Trashy is Britney” office pool? The only real bit of interest here is in just how gross the tape is. It reminds me of the scene in Zoolander where Derek and Hansel (He is so hot. Hansel.) are talking about the orgy they had the night before, and Derek is all “Did you see the Maori tribesman that showed up out of nowhere”. My money on the tapes contents is Britney singing badly to one of Christina Aguilera’s songs, while Kevin taps her from behind, throws gang signs at the camera and occasionally spies glances at the flock of sheep grazing on leftover Big Macs that litter their floor. How did the sheep get there, you ask? Nobody knows…

- Nic Cage Ruins His Child’s Life officially welcomes Kal-El Coppola Cage into the world. You know, I never thought I would see the day when naming your baby “Apple” would be considered tame and normal. Well played, Nic.

- Lindsay Lohan Crashes Her Car, Is a Moron.

What moron gave this girl a driver’s license? Just like I think old people need to be tested once a year, celebrities should have to do the same. And the test should be harder for any young teen actress who has ever been spotted drinking in a club with any of the following people: Paris, Nicole, Tara, Mischa, or Lindsay Lohan. Let me also add that blaming your accident on the paparazzi is so two months ago. Way to try and bite off of a real actress, you poser!

- Renee Zellweger Gets A “Sweet Face” Transplant

Joke! Just making sure you’re still paying attention.

- Paris Hilton Likes Greek Dudes (with money)

Rumors are already stirring that Paris has hooked up with a former Olsen Twin boy toy, who is also an even richer Greek shipping heir than the last guy. Apparently, having a fortune of only $7.5 billion isn’t enough for the frequent Stuff Magazine cover girl. I know what she means. I won’t settle for any girl who doesn’t have at least a mil or two in her savings. A boy’s gotta have his standards.

- Janet Jackson Sunbaths Nude. FCC Gives Up. (NSFW)

In a day with so much going on, this barely warrants a mention, which is ironic considering the uproar that was cased by the last time “Ms. Jackson if your nasty” unleashed the twins.

- Charlize Theron Gets Her Ass-kissed on Leno. Seriously.

Yet another reason why Charlize is one of the coolest people in the business.

- Ashton and Demi Still Married, Earth Still Round

I guess we really have to stop joking about this now . After all, it’s been the requisite week and a half, which in the celebrity world means they are a legitimate married couple. Heck, they’re practically hitting syndication length by most celebrity marriage standards.

Phew! What a day! This can only bode well for the next couple of gossip-heavy months. With award season on the horizon, and celebrities jockeying for attention and accolades, there’s no telling what may happen. And after a day like this, all bets are off. Heck, at this point I wouldn’t be surprised if next week we find out that Keira Knightley is actually just a really pretty boy. It could happen.

Stay tuned…

Bangarang, poor little Kal-El Coppola Cage!

About Jason Matthews

Jason Matthews is the head writer for The site has been nominated for two Weblog Awards (Best Culture Blog, 2006 & 2007), and has been featured on more than 100 websites, including the IMDB, Defamer, College Humor, USA Today’s Pop Candy (Written by Whitney Matheson), Entertainment Weekly’s PopWatch,, Gorilla Mask and eBaum’s World. Jason is also an accomplished playwright. He is currently the Writer-in-Residence at the Ruskin Group Theatre, where through their showcase “Café Plays”, he has written and produced forty-five one-act plays, and premiered his full-length debut comedy ‘Four Night Stand’ to a sold out six-week run in Spring 2010. In addition to his work online and in theatre, Jason was the host of PopLoad on from January – May 2007, and was the Editor-in-Chief of the popular Santa Barbara-based arts magazine CampusPOINT from June 2000 – June 2002. He has a Bachelor’s Degree in Film Studies from UC Santa Barbara, and an intense love for Ben Affleck and Keanu Reeves. Find Jason Matthews on Twitter @
This entry was posted in Britney Spears, Celebrity, Charlize Theron, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Renee Zellweger, Tom Cruise. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Us Magazine’s Head Just Exploded

  1. The Lady says:

    THIS is the reason…?

  2. A-Train says:

    To put two of the stories together, “She just fucked up her Mercedes.”

  3. Dan says:

    I was lucky enough to see said ass-kissery live, and could only think, that Dane Cook has risen to the heights of great losers like David Copperfield, David Faustino, and other dave’s who suck but get to mack hot chicks. I tried to tell everyone that his stint as Waffle man in Mystery Men was pure gold but i guess nobody but me will ever really like that movie.
    ” Waffle Man!!!! Born extra crispy !!! Bad guys are history!!!!!”

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