Here’s how it went down…

Had the gang over for Lost night (where they finally put together a good, cohesive episode, despite Michelle Rodriguez’s best attempts to screw it up), when out of nowhere my friend Dimo goes “So I’m going to see Fiona Apple at the Wiltern on Saturday”. And my response was: “Za? …what about me???” He couldn’t believe I wanted to go. I couldn’t believe he hadn’t already asked me. My love for the Crazy Fruit is well documented, as well, not a month earlier we had debated the merits of her new album. The funny thing is, he wasn’t even looking for company, he was just saying it to say it. But no matter how the information got to me, I’m glad it did. Cause now nothing was stopping me from seeing my favorite schizo singer live.

It’s weird to me that I haven’t seen her in concert. I’m not an avid concert-goer per se; I’m more like the guy who only goes to see artists that he loves. I definitely wouldn’t go to see someone I was only casually interested in, because lord knows how expensive concerts have begun. In my life I have seen: Madonna, Dave Matthews Band, The Strokes, Coldplay, The Killers, Kanye West, Avril Lavigne, some other forgettable bands back when I worked on the concert show Pepsi Smash, and now Fiona Apple.

As you can tell from the list, I’m a very picky concert chooser, which is why I was so glad to hear that Fiona was coming to town. She’s one of the few remaining musical acts that I am still dying to see live (including: U2, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Green Day and Britney Spears, though with her it’s only for funsies). Dimo told me the tickets were only $40, which rocks, because that’s on the way low end of the price spectrum. As well, with Fiona having disappeared on a five year heroin bin- I mean hiatus- she could have charged practically anything and her fans would have come running. So Dimo and I hit the net to grab our tix, again reminding me that the internet is and always will be “A Tool For Good”!

Problem. To buy the tickets on Ticketmaster, we had to provide a password, with which we could only attain if we were American Express Gold Card members? What the hell is that? I will never understand how the music business survives, when they pull this type of crap on the fans (especially the casual, fickle ones). Do you mean to tell me that the only way I can buy tickets to a concert is if I own a particular type of credit card? Man, the Wiltern has gone disgustingly corporate. However, I don’t believe for a second that Fiona has anything to do with this, as her music has never been licensed for promotional use, and her whole image as an artist is antithetical to this procedure. Anyway, after a couple hours of searching the net, we gave up trying to find a code, and thus began to doubt that we would ever be seeing Fiona anywhere, let alone on Saturday. Could it be… the internet as “A Tool For Evil”?

The days passed quickly, as we were distracted by Thanksgiving and all the good eats. I got a call on Friday night -as my confidence had just hit an all-time low where Fiona Apple concerts were concerned- Dimo was on the other line. He was determined to go, and you know what, so was I. We found out when the box office was opening and decided to brave the potentially lengthy lines. We were getting in, no matter what.

Dimo called the Wiltern on Saturday morning and was told by a real live person that the box office would open that day at 4pm, with any possible remaining tickets given out at that time. We parked on a side street (with a failed meter no less… a very good sign), and walked the half block to the Wiltern, only to be surprised by the lack of people. There were maybe ten people there and they already had tickets. Apparently the real live person had lied to us and the box office didn’t actually open for another hour. Seeing as how it was freezing beyond belief, we decided to book it to the nearest Starbucks, drink up some of that Blackberry Izzo soda I dig so much, and wait the wind out.

So true story: as were walking to Starbucks we had to dive out of the way of a fallen street sign that was being flung through the air at a speed of more than 30mph. Don’t tell me that the weather in LA isn’t weird as hell. We went from so sunny it burns the eyes to the sequel of Twister (except minues the giant Helen Hunt forehead) in just under two hours. God bless Southern California.

Starbucks was uneventful, so we headed back to the Wiltern a bit early. We got back at 4:30pm only to find a real line this time. We were about twenty or so people in, and our prospects were bleak. The whole line was pessimistic, and we were all in an outrage over the American Express crap. I talked to one guy who owned the right credit card, got the password and Ticketmaster STILL wouldn’t sell him a ticket! At this point I was thinking that it was entirely possible that they hadn’t sold any tickets at all, if even the qualified buyers couldn’t do their thing.

Long story short, half an hour later we found ourselves at the ticket window being handed to two tickets to the show(seats no less, no standing for The Jay), with nary a service charge in site. As a Fiona fan I was ecstatic about the seats and the show, as a consumer I was over the moon about the cost savings. This was shaping up to be a great night.

With a few hours to kill before the show, Dimo and I went back to The 209 for some cookies and some Madden. He played the 91 Bills, I was the 85 Dolphins. It was down to the wire, but I pulled out a seven point victory. Small consolation for Dan Marino never winning a Super Bowl, but I’ll take what I can get. At 6:30pm it was time to go, as Fiona was waiting. We grabbed our stuff, I now with a thicker jacket, and headed out the door.

Getting some grub before the show, we both realized that we happened to be on a straight date. You know what I’m talking about. This is where two guys go out together and enjoy a good time, but without the overt sexual undertones. Needless to say, it was a top shelf awkward moment, and we both took some time to retreat to our minds where doubtless we thought about such high quality man topics as naked celebrities, football and going to the bathroom for an hour.

We resigned ourselves to the fact that we were two heterosexual males going to a Fiona Apple concert together, and headed for the Wiltern. Not even a little HoYay could stop us from enjoying our Fiona.

We grabbed a spot on the street about a block and a half away (Take that concert parking prices!) and jetted into the concert hall. The Wiltern is a gorgeous, old-Hollywood theatre, with brilliant high ceilings and exquisite wall design. The whole place was humming with excitement. We were so excited that we headed straight for the bar. We lit it up, 7 and 7 style, and let me tell you, the bartenders at the Wiltern are your friend. My drink was so strong, that I turned my phone off after three sips, less I be tempted to drunk dial Fiona-fans and laugh at their misfortune. So we enjoyed our drinks and scoped the room. Caught Chris Gore from Film Threat holding court and looking his age. Caught the immortal Christine Elise of Beverly Hills, 90210 fame (she was the psychotic Emily Valentine), where we immediately launched into Jason Priestley jokes. Always good times. But the best sighting of the night was easily The Spader, who arrived arm-in-arm with who I think was Leslie Stefanson (The General’s Daughter). Spader looked like he was still in his Alan Shore costume, and was gracious to all around him. He seemed totally cool, and I couldn’t be happier to know that the guy that helped OD Robert Downey Jr. in Less Than Zero was actually a cool dude.

But all of this is who cares, because the lights went down and it was time for the show. We found our seats, and they were just dynamite. Right in the front row of one of the sections, nobody’s heads in front of us, I had nobody sitting next to me, and we even had a railing in front of us to lean forward on. Dimo was stoked (he was on his third 7 and 7), and I was just relieved not to feel claustrophobic. So fifteen hundred words later, Fiona walked on stage.

And she rocked. No bones about it, she tore the roof down. She blazed through more than fifteen songs, from all three albums, playing the hits and the personal favorites. She opened with two songs from the new CD, then launched immediately into Shadowboxer, which brought the house down. She unleashed the big guns early, and we were all grateful.

I was surprised to see how good she looked. She was put together well in a classy blue dress, her hair was done, she even had make-up on. I’ve always thought she was gorgeous, but in person she’s stunning. Though still crazy. Right off the bat she told the crowd that she wouldn’t be talking all that much, because she always screws it up. And sure enough, when she tried to introduce her band near the end of the show, she botched it. Crazy Fiona is definitely still in existence, as she kicked, screamed, clawed, jerked and tourettesed her way through the set. Everything was calm when she was at the piano, but whenever she went to center stage to sing, all emotional hell broke loose. Which in her case is not necessarily a bad thing. I certainly enjoy watching a good emotional breakdown, now and again.

She is a very visceral performer. You can read the emotions on her face. This is great, because it’s so easy to tell which songs of hers she likes the most. She was dying during Sleep To Dream, so caught up in the lyrics, but she seemed bored (and off key) during Criminal. She definitely likes playing her new stuff, and exploring different beats, and she especially dug encore-ing with the title track of her new album, Extraordinary Machine. That was the only time in her set that she seemed truly relaxed and happy. The rest of the time she either stalked the stage nervously, or hid in the shadows.

The set list was about as good as I could have hoped for. Dimo and I both heard the songs we wanted, and we both missed out on the one we really wanted to hear, but that’s ok. I was just happy she sang Shadowboxer, Limp, Paper Bag and Get Gone. The set was diverse, tactical and entertaining. Here’s the breakdown of songs she sang, album to album:

Tidal

• Sleep to Dream
• Shadowboxer
• Criminal

When the Pawn…

• On the Bound
• To Your Love
• Limp
• Paper Bag
• Fast As You Can
• Get Gone

Extraordinary Machine

• Extraordinary Machine
• Get Him Back
• Better Version of Me
• Tymps
• Parting Gift
• Oh Well
• Red Red Red

So you can see it was a great cross-section of her music. The crowd loved every minute of it, and the energy in the air was entirely positive. Dimo and I rocked out for the entire show (even threw in some “white guy” dancing), and we both totally heterosexually sang along to Criminal, Shadowboxer and pretty much all the songs from When the Pawn.

Downsides: what’s with the people who feel the need to scream at the band every time there’s a music break? Moreover, you know Fiona is unstable, so would you think yelling at her would be a good idea. Fiona kept on getting rattled by the adoration, and seemed to shrink from the pressure of being a beloved artist.

Also, to that beyond annoying woman sitting next to me who insisted on singing loudly to all of Fiona’s quiet songs, you can go to hell, you can go to hell and die. I paid to hear the professional sing, not you, so cram it! Realistically, I understand that we as fans want to sing along, and that’s fine. If I was at a Dashboard Confessional’s concert I would expect the crowd to sing 30-45% of the songs, because that’s how they role. If I was seeing U2, I would expect to fans to sing during “One”. But I just don’t get why you would sing along out loud to a Fiona Apple song that isn’t named “Criminal”. Her music is about her voice, and the emotions you can hear in it. This experience is devalued if I can’t hear her over the crap ass singing from two seats over. And I thought people talking at the movies was annoying!

Aside from stupid fan singing and scaring the talent, the show went off without a hitch. Fiona was an on-point and assured performer, and she commanded the stage with an almost predatory presence. When the lights finally went up, I was nearly exhausted by it all. Fiona had rocked, and I was duly blown away. It was a truly great show, worth all the wind and the cold and the money. The night was flawless, from the good dinner (Tommy’s), to the excellent drinks, to the great company (A really cool straight date, Dimo, but let’s never do that again without women.). Seeing Fiona Apple in concert was easily one of the highlights of the year for me, and I’m stoked I got the chance to do it.

Sometimes it’s just great to be alive.

Bangarang!

It is a TheJay.com annual tradition to go see a movie on Thanksgiving. Nothing goes better with the best meal of the year than a big, honking, totally entertaining blockbuster. In the past there have been some great choices (Toy Story 2, Unbreakable), some not so good (101 Dalmations) and some that never, ever existed (Rocky V). But I will always go to the movies on Turkey Day.

So I was surfing the IMDB today, trying to decide what to see on Thursday and noticed that no less that six movies are coming out this week, a veritable summer season-like glut of entertainment. How is one to decide where to spend their Turkey Day money? So in the effort of generating some good karma, I broke down the Thanksgiving holiday movie choices for you, my loyal readers. Enjoy.

New Releases - Wednesday

Rent – Movie musicals… sigh. On the one hand, I loved Moulin Rouge. On the other, I couldn’t stand Chicago (save for CZJ). I’m sort of on the fence on this one. So many of my acting friends are in love with the play, have the soundtrack CD and already have their tickets for opening night. But I think I may have missed my window. I dig Taye Diggs (no pun intended) and Jesse L. Martin and, of course, insanely hot Rosario Dawson, but this just does not rate very high on my must see list.

Since I don’t have much more to say about this, here are a few things that have always bugged me about Rent director Chris Columbus:

1. Back in the mid-90’s, when Chris had a string of high-profile duds (Nine Months, Stepmom, Bicentennial Man), how in the world did he convince Warner Brothers to hand over the Harry Potter franchise? Granted, he didn’t screw it up, but good lord, why risk giving you’re potential franchise of the millennium to the guy that made a movie called Stepmom (Which wasn’t even about a homicidal maniac torturing her new husbands kids. Craziness!). You know, it’s a good thing Brett Ratner wasn’t available, or we might have seen Jackie Chan playing Dumbledore and Chris Tucker cameo-ing as Dobby the House Elf.

2. Do you think it ever bothers Chris that Macauley Culkin became a Michael Jackson disciple? I totally believe that Chris thought this kid was his career meal ticket that he would ride into the ground with a string of well-intentioned, but otherwise completely soulless comedies a la Sandra Bullock and that guy who wrote Miss Congeniality. And since Macauley never amounted to anything, and Chris went on to have a great career, don’t you think he watches Home Alone reruns on TBS and shakes his head at what might have been?

3. Where was the Adventures in Babysitting sequel? How could you leave Elisabeth Shue out to dry like that?

4. Why did he executive produce the Brendan Fraser stink-fest Monkeybone? Seriously, this is the same guy that gave us Goonies and The Gremlins, so what, did he turn the genius switch off just long enough to get pitched the idea of a live action / animated movie where the main character is an annoying, hateful monkey, with a cast toplined by Brendan Fraser, Bridget Fonda, Chris Kattan and Whoopi Goldberg, and think it was brilliant? When the switch kicked back in, you just know he threw up, then proceeded to cry himself to sleep every night until he signed the Harry Potter deal.

Pride and Prejudice – I suppose I kind of have to see this. The reviews are off the charts good. Keira is slipping nips on the red carpet and getting real, honest-to-G-d Oscar buzz, if you can believe it. All signs point to this being a good movie, and yet… I don’t care. I’m sorry, I just don’t. I’ve never been a big period movie fan, I don’t like British movies, and I have no interest in the book or in Jane Austen. This is not a movie for guys, or for movie geeks. This is a chick flick, par excellence. And it’s reading so high on the chick flick radar that The Lady isn’t even asking me to go, she intuitively knows I won’t enjoy it. Yes, this movie will probably get nominated for a ton of Oscars, but no, I am not seeing this movie.

Just Friends – Man alive, does that poster bother the hell out of me. I want to like this movie. I’m one of the few people who agree that Ryan Reynolds should be an above the title star. And I’m always on Amy Smart’s side. But nothing about this movie screams “Original” or “Funny” or “Not at all like that crappy Eddie Murphy fat guy remake”.

Yours, Mine and Ours – The Quaid and The Russo? How can this miss? … oh, well, I mean, yeah, now that you’ve shown me the trailer. I guess I see your point.

The Ice Harvest – Give me John Cusack and Harold Ramis making me laugh and I’m a happy camper. Not even the presence of Billy Bob Thornton doing his third Bad Santa-character in a row can keep me away.

Limited Release

Syrianna – Finally, we get a well-made, high-minded film, that doesn’t star a cast of British people. This movie is gonna be big. Traffic big. Clooney is rocking the “I gained a lot weight for this role, so you know I’m good in it” press, and every bus I see is sporting the cool, retro poster. Even Matt Damon is rocking the “NO! I did not break up with Ben to be with George!” press. This movie is firing on all cylinders, and I can’t wait to see it. Not even the presence of the equine-esque Amanda Peet can keep me away.

In The Mix – Let’s put it this way, up until two weeks ago when the studio decided to release this turkey at the end of the year so as not to screw the 2006 books, the film was called “Dying For Dolly”. Why would you ever want to see a movie with that title? Don’t be fooled by the hip-hop shake up, this movie is crap.

The Libertine – Are we done worshipping at the altar of Johnny Depp yet? Can’t we give it a rest until the Pirates sequel comes out? Not everything he does is great. Did nobody see Don Juan DeMarco? Or Nick of Time? Or From Hell? Or Secret Window?

Already In Theatres

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire – Great movie, super fantastic ending. The graveyard scene alone was worth the price of admission. I won’t spoil it for you, but let me tell you, as an avid reader of the series, I’ve been waiting to see that scene on screen for a few years now and I was not disappointed. Ralph Fiennes is a perfect Lord Voldemort.

Walk the Line – You can’t hide Reese behind a brunette wig. I know it’s her, and I’m still not interested. I vowed to never again see her movies willingly, and not even the excessive Ray-like media blitz will change my mind.

Little known fact: I have never listened to a Johnny Cash record. Does that make me a bad person? Wait, don’t answer that.

Chicken Little – Well, at least the Scrubs Season Two box set finally came out. I can’t shake my head at Zach Braff too much.

So here’s how it all breaks down, The Jay style: Syrianna is the ticket for drama, Ice Harvest is your best bet for comedy, Harry Potter will not disappoint and by no means should you go anywhere near the Usher movie. Back again later this week to wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving, but until then…

Bangarang!

We’re now officially two months into the new TV season, and halfway through November sweeps, so it’s time to start taking stock. Networks are making their moves, canceling, rescheduling, and retooling, and viewers have started making their firm decisions. There have been a slew of quality rookie shows that are connecting with audiences (Bones, Everybody Hates Chris), as well as a group of veteran shows that are frustrating (Lost, Desperate Housewives) and confounding (The West Wing) loyal viewers. With so much to watch and so much going on, I decided to grade all the shows that I watch (probably around 40% of all primetime network shows), and give each network its own report card.

The grades are in and the big boys have been put on notice. It’s time to start studying for midterms, and they’re gonna be a bitch (especially you, Lost).

ABC

• Boston Legal– It may be fighting a losing ratings battle to SVU, but damn if it doesn’t bring me such enjoyment. Love Denny Crane, love The Spader, love me some Candice Bergen. This is the funniest drama on television. Grade: A

• Commander in Chief– Boring. Even the Species chick can’t hold my interest. The only possible way I’ll tune back in is if I see Species girl stick her tongue through the back of Donald Sutherland’s throat. And even then I may not stay past the first commercial. Grade: F

• Desperate Housewives – Still don’t watch the show, still could care less about any of it. But I have been reading all the articles on how “off” the show is. I’m no expert, but when you’re frustrating viewers in your second year, it doesn’t bode well for the future. Grade: B-

• Freddie – I don’t always catch the show, but I find myself wanting to, which I guess counts for something. The show is watchable, I laugh a good laugh at least twice each episode and the Brian Austin Green career revival is my favorite out of the blue trend of the fall. Grade:C+

• Grey’s Anatomy – The biggest bright spot of the fall. I missed the boat in the first season, but am eagerly catching up to it now. Great, neurotic writing, with personality and character to spare. I’m glad the show is breaking out of the Desperate-shadow and winning ratings battles on its own merit. Grade:A

• Invasion – I gave the pilot a shot, and have tried to break into the impenetrable plot, but find myself continually bored and put off. I like me some William Fichtner, but I’m officially giving up on it. I’ll check back in if the show makes it to next season, or if somebody starts telling me what the hell is in the water. Grade: C-

• Lost– Frustrating to say the least, agonizing to say more, this is easily my biggest disappointment of the new season. I don’t think they’ve put together a great episode from start to finish, all season. And if I have to watch another episode about what happened in the previous episode, BUT FROM A DIFFERENT ANGLE, I may give up altogether. Seriously Lost, nobody cares about these new cast members, so just tell us more about the Hatch, show us some more Evangeline T & A, lose Michelle Rodriguez, and stop killing off all the pretty people. Grade:B-

• Night Stalker – Solid pilot, great cast (who knew Mr. Charlize Theron was such a promising TV lead), and a much needed jolt of scary television… too bad nobody is watching. Grade: B

ABC’s Overall Network Grade: B+

CBS

• Ghost Whisperer – Jennifer Love Hewitt has a successful television show. Verily, the apocalypse is nigh upon us, make haste to spare the women and children. Grade: C

• Out of Practice – I like this show. I’ve watched more episodes that I’ve missed, and I laugh more often that I roll my eyes. Like the cast, like the concept, like the whole thing. Grade: B+

• Threshold – Totally dug the pilot, but now I find myself surprisingly apathetic to the show. I don’t try to seek it out, and I never remember to tape it. I still love Carla Gugino, but I think I’m over this show. Grade: C

CBS’s Overall Network Grade: C+

FOX

• Arrested Development – A FANtastic show. Top notch writing, stellar cast, subtly brilliant camera work and set design. Aside from the fact that they can’t attract viewers to save their lives, this is the most perfectly constructed television show currently on the air. The fact that FOX would even think about considering canceling this show makes me insane. There has to be a line drawn in the sand where the networks side with quality over money. I just wish I knew where that line would be. Grade: A

• Bones – Aside from the glorious cheesiness that is David Boreananas (sp?), this show bores me to tears (…or Boreanazas’ me to tears! Thank you, thank you, I’ll be here all week). And yet, people like it. If this show can be a hit, than procedural shows have truly become the defining genre of the new millennium. Grade: C+

• House – I like the character, but I’m not wild on the show itself. Unless a supporting cast member steps up to the plate, I predict a slow decline over the next season and a half, until the inevitable FOX third year cancellation syndrome goes into effect. Grade: B

• The O.C. – This show has gone to the dogs. I don’t even recognize it anymore, and they haven’t changed the cast since the pilot. This is now just another great first year FOX show that turns out to be a flash in the pain. Eighteen months ago I was swearing at the altar of Josh Schwartz, and now I think they should just put the show down like a sick puppy. Grade: D

• Prison Break – This, like Desperate Housewives, is a success despite my understanding or enjoyment of it. I tried to like the overly complicated pilot. I even tried to appreciate the awesomeness that is Robin Tunney. But I just can’t. There’s far better TV out there for me to waste my time on the likes of this, a classic first year FOX phenomenon (see above) if there ever was one. Grade: C-

• Reunion – Probably the most interesting new concept of the fall, but completely ruined by a cast that has a combined acting IQ of 85. What a waste of that hottie from The O.C. Grade: D

• The War at Home – Cheap, Married With Children knock off. And Michael Rappaport, I know Al Bundy. I’m friends with Al Bundy. And you sir, are no Al Bundy. Grade: F

FOX’s Overall Network Grade: D (Automatic half grade drop for the boneheaded decision to cancel Arrested Development.)

NBC

• Joey – The most expensive mistake on television. The first season didn’t work, so they retooled. Newsflash: The second season doesn’t work any better. NBC needs to do a gut check, swallow the bill, and abort this albatross. At this point, it’s doing less harm to the network, and more harm to the legacy of Friends. Grade: F

• Law & Order: SVU – A solid, consistently compelling hour of television. You can always count on this show to give you the goods. It’s just too bad I completely ignore it to watch Boston Legal. Grade: A

• Medium – The Lady turned me on to this, and I’m eternally grateful. I didn’t give the show a chance last season, but now that I have, I’m hooked. Creator Glen Gordon Caron is a brilliant writer, and I’m so glad he now has a second classic show on his resume (after Moonlighting). Grade: A

• My Name is Earl – A funny show that’s not nearly “funny” enough. I’m always a fan of Jason Lee, so his success is earned in my book, I just hope they can keep the level of quality up throughout the run of the show, and that this doesn’t become a first season fluke. Grade: B+

• Scrubs – NBC loses points for keeping my favorite show of the air. Give me back my J.D. and my Dr. Cox! Grade: Incomplete

• Surface – Every season needs some goofy, campy fun and this show is it. I doubt it has the drawing power to keep me interested for the long haul, but I do find myself intrigued every time I pass it on the dial. Grade: B-

• The West Wing – I came back for the debate, and was not amused. I stand by my decision to leave this show, and have signed and dated the divorce papers. It was good while it lasted, but I’m glad it’s over. Grade: D

• Will & Grace – Go away. Grade: D-

NBC’s Overall Network Grade: C-

The WB

• Smallville – How is this show still on? I caught the Lois Lane-as-stripper episode, and shook my head at it the entire time. Clark is a jackass, Lex still isn’t evil, and they’ve resorted to bringing in Aquaman to boost ratings. And the scary part? Its working. Smallville consistently beats Joey in the ratings. I just don’t understand this country. This you watch, but not Arrested Development? Grade: C

• Supernatural – A great, eerie pilot, with two very likeable leads. It won’t be the next X-Files, but it can expect a long run on a grateful network desperate for a new franchise hit. Grade: B

The WB’s Overall Network Grade: C- (Automatic half grade drop due to The WB still putting 7th Heaven on the air)

UPN

• Everybody Hates Chris – The buzz was earned, and the hype is deserved. This is a funny show. Too bad it’s on UPN and nobody watches it. Grade: A

• Veronica Mars – The show has dipped a bit in quality, but still remains one of the best shows on television. I love that it doesn’t follow any traditional story structure, and that it shows up like it belongs on some alien version of television, where the networks let the shows figure themselves out, and don’t kill them off with the first sign of ratings trouble (I’m looking right at you, FOX.). If the show can keep up the cool cameos (Kevin Smith, Joss Whedon) and the quality writing, it has the makings of becoming UPN’s first signature show. -Grade: A

UPN’s Overall Network Grade: B (Automatic one grade drop because these are only two shows on the entire network worth watching at all.)

So this is how it all breaks down: For my money, ABC has the best all around group of shows, UPN is beginning a rise to greatness, the WB is stuck in the mud, CBS can’t be bothered to try something new, too busy they are counting their CSI money, NBC is growing a nice stable of shows, but has a long way to go, and FOX should be taken out back and shot.

It’s a fairly open season so far… the big guns are firing hard, the expected duds, well, dud-ed, and the mid-range shows are trying hard to be as unique as possible. Yes, there is much to like, much to loathe and much too look forward to. The new fall season of television, gotta love it.

Bangarang!

A quick update to clear some things off the docket…

• Last week, in a historic moment in the world of The Jay, I actually enjoyed a product of entertainment that came from the Mother Country. My extreme disdain for all things British Comedy is well documented, in places far more prestigious than here. In fact, my hate-on for the U.K. is like a reputation that precedes me. I often meet friends of friends and are greeted with a “Hey, aren’t you the guy who hates British people? What’s up with that? How can you not like Monty Python; didn’t you go to film school?” Yeah, well, I can not like it just fine, thank you very much. Much like sushi, I’m not abhorrent to the idea of it, I just don’t care for it. I keep trying it in small doses, but have never found myself liking a British comedy. However, that all changed last week when The Lady forced me to watch the pilot episode of Coupling; grudgingly, I said yes, and even more grudgingly (or what, grudginger?), I started laughing. And I laughed all the way through it. This may be a fluke, but for the time being, the count stands at The Jay 463, British Comedy 1.

• The last four movies I saw: Shopgirl, Zathura, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, Jarhead. And they were all good. This may yet be a salvageable year for film.

• I don’t really watch the show, but I respect what it does, so let me take a moment to wish Arrested Development a fond farewell and adieu. You did a lot of good, whether the viewing audience recognized it or not.

• There’s been some confusion about this, so let me clear it up: this site is not a blog. It is structured like a blog, yes, but this is done only for ease of use on my part. TheJay.com is an entertainment humor site. Much like Bill Simmons, I am columnist and a journalist, not a blogger. This is why my posts tend to be longer than the average internet “writer”. If it helps your perspective on my writing, please reconsider how you observe this site. Thank you.

• We’ve officially reached the boiling point for celebrity gossip. When the Paris Hilton car crash was on the net within twenty minutes of the fender bender, I knew we had hit critical mass. I can only hope that we are now beginning the eventual descent back to normality. So soon celebrities will still be screwed up, but hopefully, we won’t know about it. A boy can dream…

• Hope you all caught the link update this week. I added a link to Broke and Lonely, a new web animation by a friend of mine, Jon Dabach. Do him a favor, click over, watch the first episode, and let him impress the hell out of you.

• So I’m trying to come up with a suitable tag line for the site, and find myself coming up with very little. The only thing I got is: “If the internet were the Star Wars galaxy, The Jay would be its Yoda”. Yeah, I know, it’s slight. I’m looking for good ideas here people, so if you have one, please post it, or shoot me an e-mail and I’ll give a big ole shout out the to the one who gives me the funniest tag line.

• On that note, there’s been some confusion on how to post comments on the site. Right under the title of each post is a clickable link that tells you how many comments have been made about the post, whether it be one, none, fifteen, etc. Click that link to open the individual post page. Once there, you should see a box on the right side of the screen that offers you the ability to “leave a response”, or in other words, to post a comment. So now that you know, I better be seeing lots of feedback from all of you out there. Let me know if you like what you read, if you hate it, or whatever. The Jay has thick skin, he can take it. Well, actually, I have really thin skin, so chances are if you flame me on my own site, I will retaliate. I’m a vindictive little bitch like that, deal with it.

Bangarang!

Let me set one thing straight, hoping or aspiring or attempting or even partially succeeding at being an actor, writer, producer, director, or whatever in Hollywood, is not a job. It involves work, yes, but it is not a job. A job is something you do during the day to finance the things you do at night. A job gives you health benefits. A job gives you a stable affiliation to something, be it a store, restaurant, company or corporation. A job is something you can clock out of. No, the entertainment industry is not a job, it’s a way of life.

You see, in The Industry, there is no clocking out. Building your life around the industry is a 24 hour a day (yes, sleep included… when you get it), seven days a week trek through the depths of your will and fortitude. To quote Jerry Maguire, working in The Industry is a pride-swallowing siege for which I will never fully tell you. Even though The Cruiser may be crazy now, he was dead on then. But instead of keeping it from you, I’m going to try and elaborate on what it’s like to chase your dream in Hollywood.

There’s a great scene in Robert Altman’s The Player where Tim Robbins is at lunch with all his industry buddies, and while he is lost in thought the rest of the group is busily gossiping about movies, celebs and other things that might show up in the pages of In Touch Weekly. So the group is jawing away and suddenly Tim jolts back in to reality and asks that for once they not talk about the movies, and instead talk about something, anything else. Everyone is quiet for a few seconds, completely thunderstruck that he made the request. The camera slowly zooms into Tim and with a withering smirk, relieves the table of his request. He laughs, shrugging the thought off, and the rest of the table breathes a sigh of relief. And in a nutshell, that’s what it’s like to live and work in Hollywood. Your entire being is consumed by this… thing, and you can’t look away, you can’t punch out, and you so can not stop talking about it.

I was with a group of industry friends the other day and we started talking about how hard it is to date outside of the industry. We all agreed that it is nearly impossible. Actors don’t necessarily have to date actors, or writers with writers, sound guys with sound girls, but you can not make your life with someone who isn’t involved in the industry in some capacity. It seems arrogantly exclusionistic, but it’s true, if you aren’t in it you just don’t understand. And you never will. I used to date this girl who only wearily supported my decision to be an actor. And when I would tell her about my dinky student film audition that I took the day off work to go to, that wouldn’t pay me anything and probably wouldn’t advance my career in any way, she would scoff at it and tell me I was nuts. But she just didn’t get it. It’s about the audition, not about the rest of it.

You must give the entirety of yourself to your dream. Anything less and it’s just not worth it (and probably not going to happen). There is too much to do, too many people to meet, parties to attend, e-mails to send, packets to put together, movies to see, scripts to read, and on and on, that if you don’t go at max speed then you’re kidding yourself. And this isn’t a singular thing; whatever you want to be doing, if you are serious about attaining it, then your schedule will and must be, full.

Let’s assume you want to produce. For all those who don’t know, this is what a fledgling producer must be doing to even get close to the shot at the opportunity to prove that he is worthy of the chance to produce something, anything. An aspiring producer must be: taking lunches with writers, and reading every script (optioned or not) that he or she can get their hands on. They need to be attending showcases, looking for potential talent. They should be attending every PGA event in the catalog, as well as every Arclight screening and Q & A that the majestic theater offers. They should be a member of JHRTS, and attend their panels. They need to make sure they are TiVoing every major network and cable show to keep up on current trends. They should also be watching every movie that gets released, and keeping an eye on what type of films each studio is releasing so they can get a bead on what type of movie they could pitch to them. They should be scanning the event boards on Planet Shark Productions to see what events might bring good networking opportunities. They should be at each of the major film festivals (Sundance, Toronto, Cannes, AFI Fest, LA Film Fest, SB Film Fest, AFM, et al), trying to pitch something, anything. As well, they need to be there to be seen. They need to be doing all that every single day. Oh, and they should have a full time day job so that they can pay for this life style.

Man, I’m tired just from writing that.

If you think I’m kidding, I’m not. I have very few connections in this business, have no projects in the pipeline, am not on a show right now, and my days are STILL full. Take my Monday for example. Here’s how it went down: I wake up at 8am, shower and shave, and am out the door by 9:15am, on my way to work. During the forty minute commute to my entertainment market research day job I am listening to Howard Stern and Kevin and Bean, I’m going over my day, cycling through potential blog post ideas to decide what I’m gonna write next, and at every stop light on Vine I was trying to solve a second act problem in the adventure script I’m writing. So I get to work, do my thing there until 12:30pm, then book it to AFM in Santa Monica to troll the two major floors and get a lowdown on what’s for sale, what’s been bought and what properties have the biggest buzz. I peep the wicked Rambo IV teaser poster, sift through the massive AFM-focused Variety, and then take in a panel about movie testing. On my way back to the office I do a phone meeting with fellow Grunt Talker Timmy so that we can do a post-mortem review of Sunday night’s podcast, and set up a dinner to go over the format for the next episode.

I’m back at the office by 3:30pm, do my thing for a bit, then have to jet to the CityWalk to handle some problems with a focus group, and see if I can catch the new IMAX 3D. I catch that and the Chicken Little 3D, and find to my surprise that Disney blows IMAX away. From there I head to my friends Bert and Jen’s place for dinner and a pitch meeting. Bert is pitching a sitcom to a money-man and needs to practice. I listen to his schpiel, and then we work on the concept and pilot script for two hours or so.

I finally get home around 8:30pm, wherein I catch the last twenty minutes of Monday Night Football, slap on my workout clothes, swing by the Mom’s house to pick up a care package and plan a family outing and then I head to the gym. I do a solid 45 minutes there, race back home, catch the last half of Medium, shower and eat. I pop in last week’s Smallville, West Wing and Grey’s Anatomy to catch myself up on TV, all the while answering e-mails, working on the site and reading the latest entertainment headlights from the fifteen news and gossip sites I check every day. All caught up from every angle I go over my tomorrow, make a mental to-do list and finally, with great effort, drag myself into bed. I fall asleep at 2:30am, dream about things I may use in future scripts, have a few happy dreams, snooze eight times and am back up at 8 am to start my Tuesday. And that is a day in the life of a fledgling writer/producer that has no projects in the pipeline and is doing little to advance this side of his career. Imagine if I actually had something real to work on.

And so it goes for someone trying to follow their dream in Hollywood.

Now let me be clear, I’m not writing this to show off, or to say that people in other industry’s don’t work hard, because they do. The point of this piece is try and explain why we do what we do. There are many reasons, motives and causes but basically it all boils down to two things, fame and money. There is a desert full of money to be made in this business if you know what you are doing, and further, it’s the type of money that has no stopping point. Hollywood money keeps on coming in residual checks until the day you die. And fame, well… everyone wants to be a star.

I do this because I love movies. And I imagine my reason is similar to many other people. When I was growing up I was shaped by many things and many people, but nothing more powerful than the silver screen. The images that flashed before my eyes caused an indelible impression on my ravenously creative mind. I wasn’t sure what it took to do it, but I knew I had to be a part of it. So I saw any movie I could get my hands on, watched countless hours of TV, read all the books, spent tons of time on the IMDB, and ultimately decided to spend my college time pursuing a degree in Film. All that is pretty standard stuff, knowledge easily attainable and executable.

But then you graduate from college, yours eyes big as saucers at the possibilities that lie ahead, and slowly but surely you realize that you have absolutely no idea how to go about being in the movies. So you just try everything. I was a PA, an extra, I did a stint in development, am now in market research, I review movies for magazines, I meet screenwriters, directors, producers and actors all the time, I go to panels and screenings and shows and festivals. I still read the books, still watch the shows and see the movies and spend the time online. I do these things, sometimes not even knowing why. I have no clue if it is helping, but I know I can’t stop. Because who knows? That’s the dirty rub about this business. You never know where the opportunity will arise; if that sleazy guy in the corner of the party is actually a successful producer with enough connections to get you your dream job.

Lightning can and will strike anytime and anyplace, so you better be ready. There are hundreds, probably thousands of people all competing for the same jobs, the same parts, the same dreams, so what makes you so special that you should be the one given the chance? My drive to succeed stems from my inability to answer that question. I know I am talented, but who cares, because so are many, many other people. I know I’m not better looking than all my peers, I don’t have a six-pack, don’t have connections from Daddy, I don’t drive a fancy car and I don’t have an Armani wardrobe. What I have is determination, and pride, and dignity, and fortitude, and the will to go the distance.

Why do we go through such hell for this dream? Because it’s the only dream we have. It’s the only thing we know how to do. And we’ll be damned if someone is gonna take that away from us.

What makes The Jay run? It is the endless possibilities, probabilities and opportunities that lie ahead of me every time I start a new day. It is that indefinable something that lies in the pit of my stomach that knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I belong in this business. That I have what it takes to do what I love, and to do it better than anyone has ever seen before. It is the honor in knowing that I had a dream, that I followed it and I pursued it with all that was in me, and finally, at long last, attained it.

Bangarang!