We’re now officially two months into the new TV season, and halfway through November sweeps, so it’s time to start taking stock. Networks are making their moves, canceling, rescheduling, and retooling, and viewers have started making their firm decisions. There have been a slew of quality rookie shows that are connecting with audiences (Bones, Everybody Hates Chris), as well as a group of veteran shows that are frustrating (Lost, Desperate Housewives) and confounding (The West Wing) loyal viewers. With so much to watch and so much going on, I decided to grade all the shows that I watch (probably around 40% of all primetime network shows), and give each network its own report card.

The grades are in and the big boys have been put on notice. It’s time to start studying for midterms, and they’re gonna be a bitch (especially you, Lost).

ABC

• Boston Legal– It may be fighting a losing ratings battle to SVU, but damn if it doesn’t bring me such enjoyment. Love Denny Crane, love The Spader, love me some Candice Bergen. This is the funniest drama on television. Grade: A

• Commander in Chief– Boring. Even the Species chick can’t hold my interest. The only possible way I’ll tune back in is if I see Species girl stick her tongue through the back of Donald Sutherland’s throat. And even then I may not stay past the first commercial. Grade: F

• Desperate Housewives – Still don’t watch the show, still could care less about any of it. But I have been reading all the articles on how “off” the show is. I’m no expert, but when you’re frustrating viewers in your second year, it doesn’t bode well for the future. Grade: B-

• Freddie – I don’t always catch the show, but I find myself wanting to, which I guess counts for something. The show is watchable, I laugh a good laugh at least twice each episode and the Brian Austin Green career revival is my favorite out of the blue trend of the fall. Grade:C+

• Grey’s Anatomy – The biggest bright spot of the fall. I missed the boat in the first season, but am eagerly catching up to it now. Great, neurotic writing, with personality and character to spare. I’m glad the show is breaking out of the Desperate-shadow and winning ratings battles on its own merit. Grade:A

• Invasion – I gave the pilot a shot, and have tried to break into the impenetrable plot, but find myself continually bored and put off. I like me some William Fichtner, but I’m officially giving up on it. I’ll check back in if the show makes it to next season, or if somebody starts telling me what the hell is in the water. Grade: C-

• Lost– Frustrating to say the least, agonizing to say more, this is easily my biggest disappointment of the new season. I don’t think they’ve put together a great episode from start to finish, all season. And if I have to watch another episode about what happened in the previous episode, BUT FROM A DIFFERENT ANGLE, I may give up altogether. Seriously Lost, nobody cares about these new cast members, so just tell us more about the Hatch, show us some more Evangeline T & A, lose Michelle Rodriguez, and stop killing off all the pretty people. Grade:B-

• Night Stalker – Solid pilot, great cast (who knew Mr. Charlize Theron was such a promising TV lead), and a much needed jolt of scary television… too bad nobody is watching. Grade: B

ABC’s Overall Network Grade: B+

CBS

• Ghost Whisperer – Jennifer Love Hewitt has a successful television show. Verily, the apocalypse is nigh upon us, make haste to spare the women and children. Grade: C

• Out of Practice – I like this show. I’ve watched more episodes that I’ve missed, and I laugh more often that I roll my eyes. Like the cast, like the concept, like the whole thing. Grade: B+

• Threshold – Totally dug the pilot, but now I find myself surprisingly apathetic to the show. I don’t try to seek it out, and I never remember to tape it. I still love Carla Gugino, but I think I’m over this show. Grade: C

CBS’s Overall Network Grade: C+

FOX

• Arrested Development – A FANtastic show. Top notch writing, stellar cast, subtly brilliant camera work and set design. Aside from the fact that they can’t attract viewers to save their lives, this is the most perfectly constructed television show currently on the air. The fact that FOX would even think about considering canceling this show makes me insane. There has to be a line drawn in the sand where the networks side with quality over money. I just wish I knew where that line would be. Grade: A

• Bones – Aside from the glorious cheesiness that is David Boreananas (sp?), this show bores me to tears (…or Boreanazas’ me to tears! Thank you, thank you, I’ll be here all week). And yet, people like it. If this show can be a hit, than procedural shows have truly become the defining genre of the new millennium. Grade: C+

• House – I like the character, but I’m not wild on the show itself. Unless a supporting cast member steps up to the plate, I predict a slow decline over the next season and a half, until the inevitable FOX third year cancellation syndrome goes into effect. Grade: B

• The O.C. – This show has gone to the dogs. I don’t even recognize it anymore, and they haven’t changed the cast since the pilot. This is now just another great first year FOX show that turns out to be a flash in the pain. Eighteen months ago I was swearing at the altar of Josh Schwartz, and now I think they should just put the show down like a sick puppy. Grade: D

• Prison Break – This, like Desperate Housewives, is a success despite my understanding or enjoyment of it. I tried to like the overly complicated pilot. I even tried to appreciate the awesomeness that is Robin Tunney. But I just can’t. There’s far better TV out there for me to waste my time on the likes of this, a classic first year FOX phenomenon (see above) if there ever was one. Grade: C-

• Reunion – Probably the most interesting new concept of the fall, but completely ruined by a cast that has a combined acting IQ of 85. What a waste of that hottie from The O.C. Grade: D

• The War at Home – Cheap, Married With Children knock off. And Michael Rappaport, I know Al Bundy. I’m friends with Al Bundy. And you sir, are no Al Bundy. Grade: F

FOX’s Overall Network Grade: D (Automatic half grade drop for the boneheaded decision to cancel Arrested Development.)

NBC

• Joey – The most expensive mistake on television. The first season didn’t work, so they retooled. Newsflash: The second season doesn’t work any better. NBC needs to do a gut check, swallow the bill, and abort this albatross. At this point, it’s doing less harm to the network, and more harm to the legacy of Friends. Grade: F

• Law & Order: SVU – A solid, consistently compelling hour of television. You can always count on this show to give you the goods. It’s just too bad I completely ignore it to watch Boston Legal. Grade: A

• Medium – The Lady turned me on to this, and I’m eternally grateful. I didn’t give the show a chance last season, but now that I have, I’m hooked. Creator Glen Gordon Caron is a brilliant writer, and I’m so glad he now has a second classic show on his resume (after Moonlighting). Grade: A

• My Name is Earl – A funny show that’s not nearly “funny” enough. I’m always a fan of Jason Lee, so his success is earned in my book, I just hope they can keep the level of quality up throughout the run of the show, and that this doesn’t become a first season fluke. Grade: B+

• Scrubs – NBC loses points for keeping my favorite show of the air. Give me back my J.D. and my Dr. Cox! Grade: Incomplete

• Surface – Every season needs some goofy, campy fun and this show is it. I doubt it has the drawing power to keep me interested for the long haul, but I do find myself intrigued every time I pass it on the dial. Grade: B-

• The West Wing – I came back for the debate, and was not amused. I stand by my decision to leave this show, and have signed and dated the divorce papers. It was good while it lasted, but I’m glad it’s over. Grade: D

• Will & Grace – Go away. Grade: D-

NBC’s Overall Network Grade: C-

The WB

• Smallville – How is this show still on? I caught the Lois Lane-as-stripper episode, and shook my head at it the entire time. Clark is a jackass, Lex still isn’t evil, and they’ve resorted to bringing in Aquaman to boost ratings. And the scary part? Its working. Smallville consistently beats Joey in the ratings. I just don’t understand this country. This you watch, but not Arrested Development? Grade: C

• Supernatural – A great, eerie pilot, with two very likeable leads. It won’t be the next X-Files, but it can expect a long run on a grateful network desperate for a new franchise hit. Grade: B

The WB’s Overall Network Grade: C- (Automatic half grade drop due to The WB still putting 7th Heaven on the air)

UPN

• Everybody Hates Chris – The buzz was earned, and the hype is deserved. This is a funny show. Too bad it’s on UPN and nobody watches it. Grade: A

• Veronica Mars – The show has dipped a bit in quality, but still remains one of the best shows on television. I love that it doesn’t follow any traditional story structure, and that it shows up like it belongs on some alien version of television, where the networks let the shows figure themselves out, and don’t kill them off with the first sign of ratings trouble (I’m looking right at you, FOX.). If the show can keep up the cool cameos (Kevin Smith, Joss Whedon) and the quality writing, it has the makings of becoming UPN’s first signature show. -Grade: A

UPN’s Overall Network Grade: B (Automatic one grade drop because these are only two shows on the entire network worth watching at all.)

So this is how it all breaks down: For my money, ABC has the best all around group of shows, UPN is beginning a rise to greatness, the WB is stuck in the mud, CBS can’t be bothered to try something new, too busy they are counting their CSI money, NBC is growing a nice stable of shows, but has a long way to go, and FOX should be taken out back and shot.

It’s a fairly open season so far… the big guns are firing hard, the expected duds, well, dud-ed, and the mid-range shows are trying hard to be as unique as possible. Yes, there is much to like, much to loathe and much too look forward to. The new fall season of television, gotta love it.

Bangarang!