Turkey Day Movie Choices: 2005

It is a TheJay.com annual tradition to go see a movie on Thanksgiving. Nothing goes better with the best meal of the year than a big, honking, totally entertaining blockbuster. In the past there have been some great choices (Toy Story 2, Unbreakable), some not so good (101 Dalmations) and some that never, ever existed (Rocky V). But I will always go to the movies on Turkey Day.

So I was surfing the IMDB today, trying to decide what to see on Thursday and noticed that no less that six movies are coming out this week, a veritable summer season-like glut of entertainment. How is one to decide where to spend their Turkey Day money? So in the effort of generating some good karma, I broke down the Thanksgiving holiday movie choices for you, my loyal readers. Enjoy.

New Releases – Wednesday

Rent – Movie musicals… sigh. On the one hand, I loved Moulin Rouge. On the other, I couldn’t stand Chicago (save for CZJ). I’m sort of on the fence on this one. So many of my acting friends are in love with the play, have the soundtrack CD and already have their tickets for opening night. But I think I may have missed my window. I dig Taye Diggs (no pun intended) and Jesse L. Martin and, of course, insanely hot Rosario Dawson, but this just does not rate very high on my must see list.

Since I don’t have much more to say about this, here are a few things that have always bugged me about Rent director Chris Columbus:

1. Back in the mid-90’s, when Chris had a string of high-profile duds (Nine Months, Stepmom, Bicentennial Man), how in the world did he convince Warner Brothers to hand over the Harry Potter franchise? Granted, he didn’t screw it up, but good lord, why risk giving you’re potential franchise of the millennium to the guy that made a movie called Stepmom (Which wasn’t even about a homicidal maniac torturing her new husbands kids. Craziness!). You know, it’s a good thing Brett Ratner wasn’t available, or we might have seen Jackie Chan playing Dumbledore and Chris Tucker cameo-ing as Dobby the House Elf.

2. Do you think it ever bothers Chris that Macauley Culkin became a Michael Jackson disciple? I totally believe that Chris thought this kid was his career meal ticket that he would ride into the ground with a string of well-intentioned, but otherwise completely soulless comedies a la Sandra Bullock and that guy who wrote Miss Congeniality. And since Macauley never amounted to anything, and Chris went on to have a great career, don’t you think he watches Home Alone reruns on TBS and shakes his head at what might have been?

3. Where was the Adventures in Babysitting sequel? How could you leave Elisabeth Shue out to dry like that?

4. Why did he executive produce the Brendan Fraser stink-fest Monkeybone? Seriously, this is the same guy that gave us Goonies and The Gremlins, so what, did he turn the genius switch off just long enough to get pitched the idea of a live action / animated movie where the main character is an annoying, hateful monkey, with a cast toplined by Brendan Fraser, Bridget Fonda, Chris Kattan and Whoopi Goldberg, and think it was brilliant? When the switch kicked back in, you just know he threw up, then proceeded to cry himself to sleep every night until he signed the Harry Potter deal.

Pride and Prejudice – I suppose I kind of have to see this. The reviews are off the charts good. Keira is slipping nips on the red carpet and getting real, honest-to-G-d Oscar buzz, if you can believe it. All signs point to this being a good movie, and yet… I don’t care. I’m sorry, I just don’t. I’ve never been a big period movie fan, I don’t like British movies, and I have no interest in the book or in Jane Austen. This is not a movie for guys, or for movie geeks. This is a chick flick, par excellence. And it’s reading so high on the chick flick radar that The Lady isn’t even asking me to go, she intuitively knows I won’t enjoy it. Yes, this movie will probably get nominated for a ton of Oscars, but no, I am not seeing this movie.

Just Friends – Man alive, does that poster bother the hell out of me. I want to like this movie. I’m one of the few people who agree that Ryan Reynolds should be an above the title star. And I’m always on Amy Smart’s side. But nothing about this movie screams “Original” or “Funny” or “Not at all like that crappy Eddie Murphy fat guy remake”.

Yours, Mine and Ours – The Quaid and The Russo? How can this miss? … oh, well, I mean, yeah, now that you’ve shown me the trailer. I guess I see your point.

The Ice Harvest – Give me John Cusack and Harold Ramis making me laugh and I’m a happy camper. Not even the presence of Billy Bob Thornton doing his third Bad Santa-character in a row can keep me away.

Limited Release

Syrianna – Finally, we get a well-made, high-minded film, that doesn’t star a cast of British people. This movie is gonna be big. Traffic big. Clooney is rocking the “I gained a lot weight for this role, so you know I’m good in it” press, and every bus I see is sporting the cool, retro poster. Even Matt Damon is rocking the “NO! I did not break up with Ben to be with George!” press. This movie is firing on all cylinders, and I can’t wait to see it. Not even the presence of the equine-esque Amanda Peet can keep me away.

In The Mix – Let’s put it this way, up until two weeks ago when the studio decided to release this turkey at the end of the year so as not to screw the 2006 books, the film was called “Dying For Dolly”. Why would you ever want to see a movie with that title? Don’t be fooled by the hip-hop shake up, this movie is crap.

The Libertine – Are we done worshipping at the altar of Johnny Depp yet? Can’t we give it a rest until the Pirates sequel comes out? Not everything he does is great. Did nobody see Don Juan DeMarco? Or Nick of Time? Or From Hell? Or Secret Window?

Already In Theatres

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire – Great movie, super fantastic ending. The graveyard scene alone was worth the price of admission. I won’t spoil it for you, but let me tell you, as an avid reader of the series, I’ve been waiting to see that scene on screen for a few years now and I was not disappointed. Ralph Fiennes is a perfect Lord Voldemort.

Walk the Line – You can’t hide Reese behind a brunette wig. I know it’s her, and I’m still not interested. I vowed to never again see her movies willingly, and not even the excessive Ray-like media blitz will change my mind.

Little known fact: I have never listened to a Johnny Cash record. Does that make me a bad person? Wait, don’t answer that.

Chicken Little – Well, at least the Scrubs Season Two box set finally came out. I can’t shake my head at Zach Braff too much.

So here’s how it all breaks down, The Jay style: Syrianna is the ticket for drama, Ice Harvest is your best bet for comedy, Harry Potter will not disappoint and by no means should you go anywhere near the Usher movie. Back again later this week to wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving, but until then…

Bangarang!