Here’s how it went down…

Had the gang over for Lost night (where they finally put together a good, cohesive episode, despite Michelle Rodriguez’s best attempts to screw it up), when out of nowhere my friend Dimo goes “So I’m going to see Fiona Apple at the Wiltern on Saturday”. And my response was: “Za? …what about me???” He couldn’t believe I wanted to go. I couldn’t believe he hadn’t already asked me. My love for the Crazy Fruit is well documented, as well, not a month earlier we had debated the merits of her new album. The funny thing is, he wasn’t even looking for company, he was just saying it to say it. But no matter how the information got to me, I’m glad it did. Cause now nothing was stopping me from seeing my favorite schizo singer live.

It’s weird to me that I haven’t seen her in concert. I’m not an avid concert-goer per se; I’m more like the guy who only goes to see artists that he loves. I definitely wouldn’t go to see someone I was only casually interested in, because lord knows how expensive concerts have begun. In my life I have seen: Madonna, Dave Matthews Band, The Strokes, Coldplay, The Killers, Kanye West, Avril Lavigne, some other forgettable bands back when I worked on the concert show Pepsi Smash, and now Fiona Apple.

As you can tell from the list, I’m a very picky concert chooser, which is why I was so glad to hear that Fiona was coming to town. She’s one of the few remaining musical acts that I am still dying to see live (including: U2, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Green Day and Britney Spears, though with her it’s only for funsies). Dimo told me the tickets were only $40, which rocks, because that’s on the way low end of the price spectrum. As well, with Fiona having disappeared on a five year heroin bin- I mean hiatus- she could have charged practically anything and her fans would have come running. So Dimo and I hit the net to grab our tix, again reminding me that the internet is and always will be “A Tool For Good”!

Problem. To buy the tickets on Ticketmaster, we had to provide a password, with which we could only attain if we were American Express Gold Card members? What the hell is that? I will never understand how the music business survives, when they pull this type of crap on the fans (especially the casual, fickle ones). Do you mean to tell me that the only way I can buy tickets to a concert is if I own a particular type of credit card? Man, the Wiltern has gone disgustingly corporate. However, I don’t believe for a second that Fiona has anything to do with this, as her music has never been licensed for promotional use, and her whole image as an artist is antithetical to this procedure. Anyway, after a couple hours of searching the net, we gave up trying to find a code, and thus began to doubt that we would ever be seeing Fiona anywhere, let alone on Saturday. Could it be… the internet as “A Tool For Evil”?

The days passed quickly, as we were distracted by Thanksgiving and all the good eats. I got a call on Friday night -as my confidence had just hit an all-time low where Fiona Apple concerts were concerned- Dimo was on the other line. He was determined to go, and you know what, so was I. We found out when the box office was opening and decided to brave the potentially lengthy lines. We were getting in, no matter what.

Dimo called the Wiltern on Saturday morning and was told by a real live person that the box office would open that day at 4pm, with any possible remaining tickets given out at that time. We parked on a side street (with a failed meter no less… a very good sign), and walked the half block to the Wiltern, only to be surprised by the lack of people. There were maybe ten people there and they already had tickets. Apparently the real live person had lied to us and the box office didn’t actually open for another hour. Seeing as how it was freezing beyond belief, we decided to book it to the nearest Starbucks, drink up some of that Blackberry Izzo soda I dig so much, and wait the wind out.

So true story: as were walking to Starbucks we had to dive out of the way of a fallen street sign that was being flung through the air at a speed of more than 30mph. Don’t tell me that the weather in LA isn’t weird as hell. We went from so sunny it burns the eyes to the sequel of Twister (except minues the giant Helen Hunt forehead) in just under two hours. God bless Southern California.

Starbucks was uneventful, so we headed back to the Wiltern a bit early. We got back at 4:30pm only to find a real line this time. We were about twenty or so people in, and our prospects were bleak. The whole line was pessimistic, and we were all in an outrage over the American Express crap. I talked to one guy who owned the right credit card, got the password and Ticketmaster STILL wouldn’t sell him a ticket! At this point I was thinking that it was entirely possible that they hadn’t sold any tickets at all, if even the qualified buyers couldn’t do their thing.

Long story short, half an hour later we found ourselves at the ticket window being handed to two tickets to the show(seats no less, no standing for The Jay), with nary a service charge in site. As a Fiona fan I was ecstatic about the seats and the show, as a consumer I was over the moon about the cost savings. This was shaping up to be a great night.

With a few hours to kill before the show, Dimo and I went back to The 209 for some cookies and some Madden. He played the 91 Bills, I was the 85 Dolphins. It was down to the wire, but I pulled out a seven point victory. Small consolation for Dan Marino never winning a Super Bowl, but I’ll take what I can get. At 6:30pm it was time to go, as Fiona was waiting. We grabbed our stuff, I now with a thicker jacket, and headed out the door.

Getting some grub before the show, we both realized that we happened to be on a straight date. You know what I’m talking about. This is where two guys go out together and enjoy a good time, but without the overt sexual undertones. Needless to say, it was a top shelf awkward moment, and we both took some time to retreat to our minds where doubtless we thought about such high quality man topics as naked celebrities, football and going to the bathroom for an hour.

We resigned ourselves to the fact that we were two heterosexual males going to a Fiona Apple concert together, and headed for the Wiltern. Not even a little HoYay could stop us from enjoying our Fiona.

We grabbed a spot on the street about a block and a half away (Take that concert parking prices!) and jetted into the concert hall. The Wiltern is a gorgeous, old-Hollywood theatre, with brilliant high ceilings and exquisite wall design. The whole place was humming with excitement. We were so excited that we headed straight for the bar. We lit it up, 7 and 7 style, and let me tell you, the bartenders at the Wiltern are your friend. My drink was so strong, that I turned my phone off after three sips, less I be tempted to drunk dial Fiona-fans and laugh at their misfortune. So we enjoyed our drinks and scoped the room. Caught Chris Gore from Film Threat holding court and looking his age. Caught the immortal Christine Elise of Beverly Hills, 90210 fame (she was the psychotic Emily Valentine), where we immediately launched into Jason Priestley jokes. Always good times. But the best sighting of the night was easily The Spader, who arrived arm-in-arm with who I think was Leslie Stefanson (The General’s Daughter). Spader looked like he was still in his Alan Shore costume, and was gracious to all around him. He seemed totally cool, and I couldn’t be happier to know that the guy that helped OD Robert Downey Jr. in Less Than Zero was actually a cool dude.

But all of this is who cares, because the lights went down and it was time for the show. We found our seats, and they were just dynamite. Right in the front row of one of the sections, nobody’s heads in front of us, I had nobody sitting next to me, and we even had a railing in front of us to lean forward on. Dimo was stoked (he was on his third 7 and 7), and I was just relieved not to feel claustrophobic. So fifteen hundred words later, Fiona walked on stage.

And she rocked. No bones about it, she tore the roof down. She blazed through more than fifteen songs, from all three albums, playing the hits and the personal favorites. She opened with two songs from the new CD, then launched immediately into Shadowboxer, which brought the house down. She unleashed the big guns early, and we were all grateful.

I was surprised to see how good she looked. She was put together well in a classy blue dress, her hair was done, she even had make-up on. I’ve always thought she was gorgeous, but in person she’s stunning. Though still crazy. Right off the bat she told the crowd that she wouldn’t be talking all that much, because she always screws it up. And sure enough, when she tried to introduce her band near the end of the show, she botched it. Crazy Fiona is definitely still in existence, as she kicked, screamed, clawed, jerked and tourettesed her way through the set. Everything was calm when she was at the piano, but whenever she went to center stage to sing, all emotional hell broke loose. Which in her case is not necessarily a bad thing. I certainly enjoy watching a good emotional breakdown, now and again.

She is a very visceral performer. You can read the emotions on her face. This is great, because it’s so easy to tell which songs of hers she likes the most. She was dying during Sleep To Dream, so caught up in the lyrics, but she seemed bored (and off key) during Criminal. She definitely likes playing her new stuff, and exploring different beats, and she especially dug encore-ing with the title track of her new album, Extraordinary Machine. That was the only time in her set that she seemed truly relaxed and happy. The rest of the time she either stalked the stage nervously, or hid in the shadows.

The set list was about as good as I could have hoped for. Dimo and I both heard the songs we wanted, and we both missed out on the one we really wanted to hear, but that’s ok. I was just happy she sang Shadowboxer, Limp, Paper Bag and Get Gone. The set was diverse, tactical and entertaining. Here’s the breakdown of songs she sang, album to album:

Tidal

• Sleep to Dream
• Shadowboxer
• Criminal

When the Pawn…

• On the Bound
• To Your Love
• Limp
• Paper Bag
• Fast As You Can
• Get Gone

Extraordinary Machine

• Extraordinary Machine
• Get Him Back
• Better Version of Me
• Tymps
• Parting Gift
• Oh Well
• Red Red Red

So you can see it was a great cross-section of her music. The crowd loved every minute of it, and the energy in the air was entirely positive. Dimo and I rocked out for the entire show (even threw in some “white guy” dancing), and we both totally heterosexually sang along to Criminal, Shadowboxer and pretty much all the songs from When the Pawn.

Downsides: what’s with the people who feel the need to scream at the band every time there’s a music break? Moreover, you know Fiona is unstable, so would you think yelling at her would be a good idea. Fiona kept on getting rattled by the adoration, and seemed to shrink from the pressure of being a beloved artist.

Also, to that beyond annoying woman sitting next to me who insisted on singing loudly to all of Fiona’s quiet songs, you can go to hell, you can go to hell and die. I paid to hear the professional sing, not you, so cram it! Realistically, I understand that we as fans want to sing along, and that’s fine. If I was at a Dashboard Confessional’s concert I would expect the crowd to sing 30-45% of the songs, because that’s how they role. If I was seeing U2, I would expect to fans to sing during “One”. But I just don’t get why you would sing along out loud to a Fiona Apple song that isn’t named “Criminal”. Her music is about her voice, and the emotions you can hear in it. This experience is devalued if I can’t hear her over the crap ass singing from two seats over. And I thought people talking at the movies was annoying!

Aside from stupid fan singing and scaring the talent, the show went off without a hitch. Fiona was an on-point and assured performer, and she commanded the stage with an almost predatory presence. When the lights finally went up, I was nearly exhausted by it all. Fiona had rocked, and I was duly blown away. It was a truly great show, worth all the wind and the cold and the money. The night was flawless, from the good dinner (Tommy’s), to the excellent drinks, to the great company (A really cool straight date, Dimo, but let’s never do that again without women.). Seeing Fiona Apple in concert was easily one of the highlights of the year for me, and I’m stoked I got the chance to do it.

Sometimes it’s just great to be alive.

Bangarang!