Last night, capped as always with a hearty “Mahalo”, Adam Carolla signed off as host of Loveline, the revolutionary late night radio show on KROQ. His exit marks the end of the most successful era for the show, which reached its heights during its lengthy run as a live show on MTV. Carolla left behind a legacy of blue collar humor, off the wall rants, and quality sex and dating advice to thousands of listeners and callers who swear by the show to help navigate the terrain of love. He was not the best DJ, nor the best talk radio host, or even the funniest, but in the end he proved to be the most important favorite of all… mine.

I survived adolescence by listening to Loveline. My intro to the show came through my older brother back in the way early 90’s, when Dr. Drew co-hosted with Poorman. Poorman was funny, dirty, knew nothing of how to give advice, and I have a feeling that Drew hated him. In fact, the only quality thing he brought to the table was his signature catchphrase for a ladies, well, her stuff, calling it “The Sushi Bar”. But for a wide-eyed thirteen year old Valley boy, this was akin to Obi-Wan telling Luke about the force.

Poorman left to do his own afternoon show for KIIS FM, and KROQ replaced him with Ricky Rachman, of Headbangers Ball fame. I never liked Ricky, don’t even know why. It might have been his voice or his disdain for the callers and their problems, or even the way he related to Drew, but something just wasn’t clicking. Thankfully, he punched some guy out at KLSX and was thrown off the radio by both stations. So in 1994, with Drew needing a replacement, KROQ gave a shot to a (very) little known comedian named Adam Carolla.

I vaguely remember pre-Loveline Adam Carolla as the sports guy for the KROQ morning show “Kevin and Bean”. He had this gravel and nails voice that was so not for radio, but his personality was what made him fun (and funny). He also did this great skit as Mr. Birchum, a Vietnam Vet cum Shop Teacher who was always angry at the slacker kids he had to teach. So he’s doing his thing in the morning and Drew happens to catch the show, and out of nowhere decides that this is his man. They made an odd pairing to say the least. Dr. Drew is a board certified physician, very uptight, academic-based, and somewhat clinical with the callers. Adam was light, punchy, quick-witted, loved to talk to his type of people, and didn’t suffer fools gladly. They shouldn’t have worked well together, but somehow they did. And we were all the better for it.

I was just getting into high school at the time, which means my bedtime was whenever I fell asleep, and since this was pre-Internet, and pre-me having cable in my room, the radio was my only source of late night entertainment. And Loveline was my center point. I felt cool because I knew about the show, while very few of my friends even had a clue. So I had the cool knowledge cache, looked trendy because I was listening to something cutting edge, and what’s more, I was learning about sex. The type of things you don’t learn in class, or from your parents, or even from the pages of Playboy. Adam and Drew gave real advice about pregnancy, STD’s, sexual problems, dating problems, mental problems, and just for funsies, Adam would give out construction tips.

After only a few months of being together, the show went national. Two years later, MTV came a calling. The hour-long show was a watershed event for two reasons: 1. It brought us hottie Diane Farr, and 2. We finally saw what Adam looked like, and were appropriately repelled and then intrigued. And thus began the era of Adam as TV Star. We endured the 1-800 Collect Ads, but barely. Despite his obvious charms, he was only barely less reprehensible than Carrot Top. The grody taste of those ads was washed away, however, with the stunning debut of a little piece of television heaven I like to call The Man Show.

What was not to like: Porn Star home decorating tips, lots of drinking on the set, vulgarity, crude jokes and best of all, freakin’ GIRLS ON TRAMPOLINES. This was an invention on par with plastic beer bottles, creamy peanut butter and high speed cable modems. Adam and Jimmy were pitch perfect mirrors for the American everyman, saying the things we were thinking, and doing the things we only we wished we could. Oh, and did I mention girls on trampolines?

Adam hit a second straight homerun with the irreverent Muppet prank call show “Crank Yankers”. The show had a murderer’s row of comedians performing as the Muppets, and Adam even brought Mr. Birchum back, which hello, ruled! So he’s got two successful shows going on (with Drawn Together in pre-production), commercial residuals rolling in twice weekly, and yet he still finds the time to do a two hour radio show every night, four nights a week. His dedication to the show that made him famous has always been a silver lining to me in this world of lost loyalty. Athletes leave teams, actors walk away from TV shows, bands break up, but for ten great years Adam and Drew signed on every night at ten o’clock.

I can’t hate the man for leaving, it’s time. The Man Show is long gone, Crankyankers has faded into the Comedy Central graveyard, and those commercials have finally been taken off my television, it was time to look towards new horizons. And though we lose him on Loveline, we gain him in so many other places. Apparently, everyone in Hollywood loves him, because he has a second act chalk full of projects. He now has a nightly show on Comedy Central, his own construction show on TLC, and finally, the reason he left Loveline, his own west-coast syndicated morning radio show, which he takes over from Howard Stern. I can’t say this is a quarter for two dimes trade, but I’m gonna reserve complaint until I get a taste of the new Loveline host.

I like that I get a good Stern replacement, I like that Carolla gets to still make me laugh during my day (albeit now in the morning), though I don’t like what this does for my night time radio choices. I may still listen to the show, but Dr. Drew gets boring real quick. And will they still do Germany or Florida? Where will I hear Ace Rockolla doing weather reports? Who’s gonna berate all the junior college callers? If the show becomes strict sex advice and no humor I can’t say I’ll stick around. I may have to resort to listening to that cheap Loveline knock off over on Star. I don’t know, I guess for every season, turn turn turn, you know what I mean?

I learned what I needed to learn, laughed when I needed to laugh, and appreciated it all with a sly, knowing smile. And yeah, maybe I took it all for granted. They announced the Carolla morning show a couple weeks ago, but it never even occurred to me that he would leave Loveline. I was driving home from work yesterday and heard the ad for his last show (that night!) and was absolutely floored. Why wasn’t more made of this? Defamer ignored it, the KROQ website was helpless (what you guys couldn’t have thrown up a thank you on the main page, insensitive morons). Had I not stopped flipping to hear the new Coldplay single I would have never known. That would have been awful. Like not knowing a good friend had died until two weeks after the funeral. At least now I get to sit shivah for the show, and honor it in the manner that it deserves.

I’ll leave you with a couple of my favorite Carolla quotes, and will touch back in a couple months on what Loveline becomes. Until then, in honor of the break up of Adam and Drew, I will sign off just this once with a hearty…

Mahalo, Loveline!

Talking to a pregnant teen caller who was reluctant to get an abortion because it cost $365, which she thought was too much:

ADAM: Listen, as I’ve said many times on this show, the $365 for the abortion–how much did my dad spend raising me, Drew?

DREW: $1,280?

ADAM: Uh, he didn’t break a thousand. But it was in the high nines, high nines.

“When I’m at the porn store–I’m not there all the time, maybe about five hours a day–I’m walking through the sections, making my way, making my way–and then I get to the gay section. And it always takes a second to process, because it all just looks like a ball of flesh, and everything’s kind of shiny, you know? So I’m like, ‘Huh? Hey, that chick’s got a moustache…Awwww!’”

Referring to his hairy ass: “I braided my ass shut once. It was part of a bet.”

“I love a mirror during sex! I like to look at myself and say, ‘hey, look who’s getting laid!’ Then I hi-five my reflection and break the glass.”

To a female caller who is choosing horrible boyfriends because her dad neglected her:

“Listen to me. Your dad screwed with you, so now all guys sort of become daddy to you, whether you know it or not. You have two choices. You can blindly follow that; or, you can stop, ask what you’re doing, examine your life a little, get some therapy, straighten out a couple of issues, and then be freed from these shackles and go on and make your own decisions. All you idiots out there, you think your making your own decisions, but you’re really on autopilot. I can predict where every single one of you is going. It’s so predictable. I sit here night after night, I listen to people, and I know exactly where they were, where they are, and where they’re going. It’s the easiest thing to figure out. It’s like I’m looking at a blueprint, and I can tell you what the outcome is. And it’s not good. You gotta get some counseling and some therapy, and you need to stop acting out. I’m not saying that you’re not gonna solve all your problems this weekend. But at least don’t get pregnant, don’t get into abusive relationships, don’t get herpes, don’t get AIDS, and don’t get hooked on heroin. Just stop all the acting out! And don’t hatch out a couple of kids and screw them up, just like you got screwed up. Then I’ll be paying a ton in tax money to bail everyone out, and keep people incarcerated, and keep the whole cycle going. That’s what’s gonna happen unless you stop acting out. I don’t know why no one else seems to want to talk about this, and I don’t know why the government doesn’t talk about it. I don’t think it’s the government’s job, but on the other hand, you gotta run this country like a business. Figure this stuff out. It’s a no-brainer.”

Bangarang!