The year of “the slump”. The year nobody cared. The year King Kong was a box office disappointment. The year that finally killed the Star Wars Franchise. The year Tom Cruise literally and metaphorically jumped the couch. Whatever you want 2005 to go by, you can’t deny that it was an interesting year at the movies. No, the movies weren’t as good as they should be. But no, this wasn’t the worst year for movies ever. 2004 was just as bad (Anyone remember Van Helsing? Or The Village? Or Garfield?).

So forget about all the tabloid crap that cluttered newsstands and affected how we watched certain celebrities. Forget that a lot of great movies came out under the radar. Forget that some of our best filmmakers slipped up this year (Spielberg, Ridley Scott, Tony Scott, and Cameron Crowe). Forget all the nonsense. In the end, 2005 can be summed us in one long, run-on sentence. We’ll call 2005 the “Year that People Stopped Caring As Much About Crappy Movies That Weren’t Worth Our Time And Money, Except For Fantastic Four and The Pacifier Which Somehow Made A Ton of Money Despite Being The Equivalent of Cinema For Stupid People”. Catchy, ain’t it?

While we wait for award season to end and the countdown to begin on X-Men 3, Superman Returns, Miami Vice, and all the other high profile projects on the horizon. let’s take a look back at the year that was, and hand out some much deserved awards. It’s a little something I like to call “The 2005 TheJay.com Year In Film Awards”. Whatever, I know it’s bland, I’m working on it.

Most Overrated Movie of the Year

Tie: Crash and The 40-Year-Old Virgin. Crash is a series of racial clichés strung together by the recognizable faces that inhabit the movie. It is not engrossing, it breaks no barriers, reveals no new truths and patronizes its audience with a simplistic view on social change. A pretentious mess of a movie, which is all that writer/director Paul Haggis knows how to make (Million Dollar Baby).

As for the Virgin movie… yes, we get it, waxing your body hurts and that’s funny. What else you got? I saw it, I laughed a couple times, but it was no Wedding Crashers. It was no Old School. It was definitely no Zoolander. What was so funny and good about this movie? Did I miss something?

Most Underrated Movie of the Year

Sky High – Just a wonderful piece of cinema that was unfairly overlooked in a heavy summer season. Why Disney didn’t give this a full-press marketing push is beyond me. How did they not see the potential in a movie starring Kurt Russell as a superhero and Bruce freakin’ Campbell as a sadistic gym teacher? That’s gold!

Best use of gratuitous, unnecessary but completely lauded by every geek on the internet nudity by a big name actress that every male under forty has been dying to see naked.

Anne Hathaway – This award is made even better by the news that she’s naked in Brokeback Mountain AND her next movie. I love it when a former Disney actress gets fed up and unleashes the girls in any low-quality indie flick that gets thrown her way. There are definite shades of Christina Ricci in Prozac Nation on this one.

Worst Actor in an Otherwise Crappy Movie

Vin Diesel – The Pacifier. And people say Keanu is a wooden actor. The Vinster makes Keanu look positively Olivier-esque. It’s also worth noting that Vin Diesel has two speeds: walk and kill. Also: When Vin Diesel jumps into a body of water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Vin instead.

Worst Actress in an Otherwise Crappy Movie

Kate Hudson – The Skeleton Key. Why are we still giving this nepotistic, worthless, no talent movies to ruin? Has she ever entertained anyone, ever? She has never had a hit movie on her own right (How To Lose A Guy is so much more McConaughey’s movie, than hers). The Skeleton Key was a pure waste of a good concept, a good setting and a great supporting cast. Pop a Rachel McAdams in this movie and you would have had a huge flick, but wth Hudson you get a lackluster opening weekend, a critical drubbing and a slow fade into the oblivion known as the Blockbuster new release rack. Go away, Kate Hudson; nobody likes you, and now you’re starting to tarnish Goldie’s legacy, which was thin to begin with.

Eighth Sign of the Apocalypse a.k.a Most Surprising Performance of the Year

Heath Ledger – Brokeback Mountain. Who knew he had it in him? I could have sworn that after sitting through his A Knight’s Tale, The Order, The Patriot and that crappy skateboarding movie, that I had seen the length and breadth of his obviously supreme acting talent. Apparently, I was wrong.

The “Who Cares” Award For the Movie Absolutely No One Wanted To See

Serenity – Maybe it’s not a good idea to give $50 million dollars to a franchise that had already failed as a television series. I don’t care how good a writer Joss Whedon is (and he is a good one), the cult fans alone can’t make an opening weekend. Without a big name star, without blue chip special effects, and with a deplorable, faithless marketing campaign, Universal realized a bit too late that you can’t make money on a loser, however rapid the fans may be.

Worst Experience in a Movie Theater

King Kong. I guess I shouldn’t have had that extra large Sprite. I was unbuckled, half-zipped and squirming by an hour in. The bathroom trip after the movie was maybe the highlight of the year for me, just for the sheer sense of relief that I hadn’t blown out my kidneys. Geez Peter Jackson, you think the next one can be under two hours, my bladder can’t take anymore of your overcooked “epics”?

The “Yes, Yes You’re Both Hot, Now Shut Up And Go Away” Award

Into The Blue – It’s a sad day for cinema when two hours of Jessica Alba ass and Paul Walker abs can’t bring in the masses. How am I supposed to go on? Where do I get my drive to make movies, now that this has been taken away from me?

Worst Sequel of the Year, aka The Tainted Memories Award

Batman Begins. Just Kidding! That movie ruled!

Be Cool. What a bloated, unfunny, just for the money, piece of crap this was. I LOVE Get Shorty. I was craving more Chili Palmer for ten years and this is what they give me? Screw you, John Travolta! I used to defend you. I used to go see your crappy movies. Hell, I even rented Battlefield: Earth, just because I liked you. But no more. You are dead to me.

The John Travolta Award For One Time Big Named Actor who is Soooo Over!

Take a bow, Hilary Duff, it was good while it lasted. Jennifer Aniston, you’re officially on deck.

The Been There, Done That Award for Being There and Having Done That

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. I feel like I give the Harry Potter series this award every year. This installment is probably the most deserving, however. Bloated and disjointed, the film played like a three hour clip show of the book, but not as good.

The Official “Janeane Garofalo Please Fire Your Agent Right Now, or At The Very Least, Please Stop Saying Yes To EVERY SINGLE MOVIE OFFER You Get” Award

Nic Cage – Maybe after Lord of War and The Weather Man, Nic will finally learn that naval gazing and somnambulance does not a good performance, or good movie, make.

Most Unfortunate Third Act Flop of the Year

War of the Worlds – A solid first act, and a hyper intense second act, followed by a third act flame out of epic proportions. The first hour and twenty feels like it was made by a master storyteller hitting on all cylinders and the last forty minutes plays like a first time commercial director who slept through the last six weeks of his story classes in film school. War of the Worlds was a shameless attempt to wrap a cool, violent movie in a nice, sweet bow. That’s low-fi Spielberg, and you know better.

Weirdest Movie Couple of the Year

Will Ferrell and Nicole Kidman – Bewitched. Just about the only nice thing I can say about this ludicrous pairing of actors, is that at least Nicole found a co-star that was taller than she was. I was getting kind of tired of seeing her stand two feet behind her co-stars just so she won’t dwarf them in every shot (I’m looking right at you Sean Penn).

Most Disappointing Movie of the Year

Aeon Flux. Casual fans just don’t understand the genius of the original cartoon show. I was a slave to it. I read the script before they went into production and was floored by how awesome it was. And to have that muddled, shrunken, confusing film be the thing that introduces the mainstream to that dazzling world is beyond disappointing.

Best Excuse to Willingly Hand over Ten Dollars

Wedding Crashers – The flat out funniest first hour of a film. Ever. Lock It Up!

The 2005 Film I Will Never Ever Under Any Circumstance See. Ever.

I would have said Stealth, but I rented that. I would have said The Skeleton Key, but The Lady forced me to Netflix that one. No, the winner has to be:

Rent. I actively dislike modern movie musicals (with Moulin Rouge being the only exception), there’s no one on the cast that I love (with not even Rosario Dawson’s ass being an exception), the director was all wrong for the genre, and did I mention I hate musicals? I’m glad the movie tanked so I won’t be forced to sit through it just because it got nominated for some Oscars.

My Favorite Movie Poster of 2005

Memoirs of a Geisha – A beautiful and simple image that tells you nothing and everything all at the same time.

The Jay’s Picks for the Worst Five Films of 2005

1. Be Cool
2. Domino
3. Bewitched
4. The Ring Two
5. The Amityville Horror

The Jay’s Picks for the Best “B” Movies Of 2005

1. The Transporter 2
2. Sky High
3. Red Eye
4. Hostage
5. Zathura

My Official Top Ten List For 2005 will be ready early in January, after I see Munich, Brokeback Mountain, The New World and a few other 2005 stragglers, but until then, Happy New Year and…

Bangarang!