The question has always been: what decides the best show on Television? Is it the show with the highest ratings, or the show with the most critical acclaim? Few would argue that some combination of The Sopranos, Deadwood, 24 and Lost are the all-around “best” dramatic shows, with maybe Scrubs, The Office, the now defunct Arrested Development and Desperate Housewives as the “best” comedies. But of those eight, which is the king? I would argue that none of them holds the crown.

The best show on television has got to be the one that appeals to and entertains the most number of people. With that logic, there is only one real choice: American Idol.

Idol has been the highest rated show on network television for the last five years (or in other words, since the day the show premiered). It has set ratings records on every night that it has aired, and has helped propel Fox from the network basement to the top of the ratings heap (They jumped from a #4 network to a #2 network, trailing only CSI- I mean, CBS.) Moreover, American Idol affects more people in this country than any other produced piece of entertainment, be it TV or film. The average number of contestant votes for a single episode is more than 35 Million people (in only two hours time). Over the course of the entire season the show will receive more than 400 Million votes. To put that into perspective, on average, 120 Million people vote in the Presidential election. Heck, the bigger debate here could be what’s more important to the people of this nation, voting for President or voting for the next American Idol (Bo Bice for President!).

People live and breathe American Idol. Sure, there are Lost parties and group viewings of Desperate Housewives, but none of that rivals the intensity of Idol fans. My friend Carrie refuses to get a better cell phone because she has the crappy one designed to vote for Idol, and upgrading would mean she couldn’t vote anymore. I know Doctors and nurses who bring TV’s into hospitals in order not to miss watching who gets voted off. I know people who have cell phone bills bigger than rent bills, because they couldn’t stop making sure Scott freakin’ Sabol made it into the Final Five (and you wonder why I am so cynical about entertainment).

No one is immune to this show. Both of my parents watch. My Mom is a new convert, but in only two weeks of her watching the show she already has her favorite Idol and the one she wants to see get kicked off (She likes Ace, so obviously we aren’t on speaking terms right now. Cause I got the McPhee-ver!). Even my friends who hate the show and yell at me for turning to it during the commercials of Lost, they know all the names of the people in the Top 10. It is fair to say that this show has consumed us all.

American Idol is no longer just a television show; it has become a cultural touchstone, a real life event straight out of The Running Man. In much the same way that America was riveted by the first season of Survivor (Go Colleen) and the ungodly awful (but imminently watchable) first season of Joe Millionaire, American Idol has become the watercooler show du jour. In five years, when Teri Hatcher and her housewife cronies have gone the way of the botoxed dung beetle, Ryan Seacrest will still be pleading with us to stay tuned after the break to find out who’s getting voted off. Randy Jackson will still be signing people up for his Dawg Pound, Paula Abdul will still be drunk, medicated, chasing male contestants and botoxed, within an inch of her batshit crazy life. And Simon will still be Simon, creepy flat top and all.

So how is this stupid little talent show so successful? Why is it so beloved?

The answer is simple: deep down we all want to be rock stars. Forget movie stars or athletes or even Presidents, anyone who has ever been to a concert or bought a CD or enjoyed music in any way, shape or form, they all want to be the one holding the microphone. They all want to walk onto that stage with a hundred thousand screaming fans chanting their name, and let out their golden voice to the delight of the world. American Idol, however vicarious, gives people that thrill. And the thrill is attainable because, as the show consistently demonstrates, anybody could be a contestant. There is no requirement for height, weight, age or beauty. Some of the freakiest looking people walking the planet today have been on the show, and gained a huge fan support. (Scott Sabol, the Chicken Little guy from this season, Fantasia, et al). The combination of freak show, talent show and train wreck makes American Idol destination viewing for any true masochistic pop culture lover. It’s the ultimate burning car on the side of the road, the nirvana for rubberneckers.

And it is not humiliating. Every reality show puts their contestants through a degrading, pride-reducing, dignity-stealing obstacle course of some sort, and no one, the show or the contestants, ends up looking or smelling good on the other side. We watch those shows (Fear Factor, The Bachelor, et al) to see people get humiliated, and the people that go on the show know they are being manipulated and look all the more pathetic for towing the line. American Idol has no malevolent force behind it. They are not interesting in making their contestants look bad; in fact it is to their best interest that the Top 12 looks good in the eyes of viewers. They are not trying to abuse these kids, or bleed them dry of humanity or personality. They are simply looking for the person with the best chance of being a successful pop singer. And somewhere between our wanting to be them, and our wanting to tell them to just shut up and get off the stage, lies the reason for the show’s success.

Don’t get me wrong, I know the show is a business, I just admire it for the way it conducts its business. Say what you want about the voting conspiracies, and I have. I like the current myth that the bottom three is chosen at random by the Producers. The one actually getting kicked off is legit, but the other two are arbitrary, and in there to boost the drama. After all, why would you waste the time combing through 35 Million votes to see who placed second? Say what you want about the judges shaky allegiances to bad but popular singers (To the point where Paula sung Chicken Little’s praises, while Simon had to give the kid reverse juju just to get him voted off). And say what you want about the eventual winners (cause like Seacrest says, America did pick ‘em). This is a brilliant production, from the cheesy Ford pimpomercials, to the down home B Roll of idols playing with their families, the Idol producers/writers make better characters out of real people than most television shows do out of fictional ones. After all, what would you rather watch, Katherine McPhee singing or Teri Hatcher pratfalling (Seacrest may be a bit biased on this one)?

To this end, American Idol is much like its own sports league, but with the added bonus that you get to pick a new favorite team every year. And as much as I am a loyal Miami Dolphins fan, I am now equally as loyal to my man Bo Bice (Losing to Carrie Underwood was a good thing, though. His career will be better because of it. Maybe the only time I was happy that my team lost the big game.). Idol breeds loyalty, both good and bad. How else can you explain the inexplicable success of the muppet-like Clay Aiken, or the mop-topped grease ball Justin Guarini? On the other hand, I like that I’m gonna hate some of the contestants. It wouldn’t be as much fun if I couldn’t yell at the screen and hurl obscenities at Constantine. I probably wouldn’t watch the show if it weren’t for all the terrible singers that do so well. You get so engrossed in the impossibility of this no-talent ass clown getting to live their dream on national television (and cashing in as a result of it, ahem Guarini, ahem) that you couldn’t look away if you tried.

And the most brilliant part of it all? The show actually produces talented people out this ridiculous talent show. Bo Bice is stellar, Clay Aiken does have a good voice (and may become the next Barry Manilow, not that we even needed one) and my money is on Carrie Underwood becoming a solid country presence. And best of them all: Kelly Clarkson. Dismissed when she first came out as the lucky winner of a national phenomenon, she has grown to become one of the best pop singers on the market today. I didn’t think much of her when she first came out, but now when I hear her music on the radio I’m singing along like a blonde-haired, gum chewing Valley girl. Since you’ve been gooooone….

American Idol may not receive the type of critical praise that a Lost or a Desperate Housewives gets, but who cares, really? Does any other show bring more people more happiness and satisfaction? Not a chance. So what if it never wins an Emmy, in the course of human events history is written by the winner, and right now (and for the foreseeable future) American Idol is the winner. Make no mistake, American Idol is the best show on television, and you know what, it’s not even close.

Here are my rankings for the current crop of Idol-wannabees, with my prediction for the winner at the end.

1. Katherine McPhee – She has the best voice, appears to have a good head on her shoulders, is gracious in the limelight, and is extremely comfortable on stage. She is pleasant in all the ways you want your pop stars to be pleasant. Too bad she’s gonna lose (Because America is stupid and will probably give it to Ace or some other moron, like Taylor freakin’ Hicks).

2. Chris Daughtry – Call him Bo Bice-lite. I dig the energy, the freaky-ass side burns and the fact that he could care less about being a pop star. He’s probably pushing the hard rock thing just a touch too much, but at least he isn’t singing country music.

3. Mandisa – She’s the Aretha of the group, a great singer with a surprising popularity despite pop music’s pension for making every one into a stick figure. She better hope that her voice and personality can keep her sailing past the Kellie’s and Ace’s that usually get to the finals.

4. Kellie Pickler – She’s dumb as rocks but proud of it. How can you not like a stupid girl that makes no apologies for her lack of intelligence? She’s nowhere near as good as Carrie Underwood, but she is the best eye candy left on the show, which means she’s a shoo-in for the final five.

5. Paris Bennett – Weird, scrunchy face, but a beautiful smile and a top notch pedigree. I’m on the side of Simon regarding her baby doll Beyoncé performance, but I still like her. Probably the best trained singer in the group.

6. Ace – His falsetto is uncomfortable, his hair is kinda creepy and he should have never sung a Train song if he really wanted my vote. But he’s gonna be with us for a while because the girls think he’s cute. Have I mentioned yet how much I hate America for voting for scuzzballs like this?

7. Elliot Yamin – Who let a hobbit onto American Idol?

8. Bucky Covington – I can’t understand a word that is coming out of his mouth. Not that it matters, he’ll be gone in two weeks and I’ll never have to think about him again.

9. Taylor Hicks – Shut! Up! Taylor! Hicks! I don’t like your graying Steve Martin-wannabe 29 year-old hair, I don’t like your cheesy dancing or your Joe Cocker-wannabe act and I don’t like your voice. You’re barely getting by on charisma alone, and trust me, it won’t be enough. Sooner or later you’re gonna have to calm down with all your OCD mannerism crap and just give it to us straight. And if you think I’m wrong, well then I got two words for you: Constantine Maroulis.

My Prediction for the Next American Idol: Katherine McPhee

I got a McPhee-ver and the only prescription is….

Bangarang!

I’m a hater. That’s what I am. Try as I might to just sit idly by and let bad movies wash right over me, I just plainly refuse to abide by mediocre, wasteful cinema. Purposefully bad movies are one thing; at least they have sense of camp value to them. But truly bad movies (at least the ones I deem bad) bring nothing to the table, not even unintentional good times. It’s hard to say even one nice thing about them. And most days I don’t even want to try.

Thankfully for you, today is not one of those days. I’m in a giving mood. A positive, I like all movies, even ones with Renee Zellweger in it type moods. Today is the day I take on the challenge of liking truly bad movies. It’s an exercise I do every few years to try and cleanse the hate out of me. Something I do to appease The Lady and my friends, who don’t really cotton to my constant cinematic negativity. So to prove that I don’t like everything about every movie, I offer: “One Thing I Like, About 40 Movies I Hate”.

Why 40 movies? Because fifty is way too many and 30 is too few for a column that’s a week overdue. Also, just so you know, these films are in no particular order. It’s merely a random placement of a random collection of movies I don’t like.

1. Sideways – See, the thing is, wine tasting IS cool. You head up to Solvang or Santa Ynez, drop like six bucks, they pour you six wines (alcohol content: 14%), and you move on. And then you repeat the process at as many tasting places as you can before passing out on the Hans Christian Anderson statue in the middle of Solvang Park. It’s a great way to spend the day with your friends, because you’re getting drunk, but it’s wine, so it’s more intelligent. A mature sloshing. You would think that all this good fun would contribute to my liking this movie, but it doesn’t. I have no sympathy or empathy for sad bastard movies. And though I think Paul Giamatti is a fantastic actor, the fact remains, he plays a lot of sad bastards. Seriously Paul, have a drink and a smile and buck up. You were nailing Virginia Madsen, you’d think cracking a smile wouldn’t be so difficult.

2. A Knight’s Tale - I barely lasted through this craptasticle tribute to Heath Leger in chain mail. The only reason I survived: the really hot chick blacksmith that builds Heath’s armor. She can weld my sword anytime.

3. Mystic River – IS DAT MY DAUGHTER IN THEY-ER! Hee hee! The film may have been overwrought, pretentious and tremendously silly, but at least I can yell Sean Penn’s famous line whenever I see a clip of the movie.

4. Million Dollar Baby - Morgan Freeman has the most soothing voice in film history. When he starts narrating, you just sit back and enjoy his smooth, dulcet tones (and try to imagine you’re watching The Shawshank Redemption, a far, far better movie than this one could ever dream to be).

5. The Stepford Wives – When you watch a trainwreck of a movie like this you can’t help but think what it must have been like on the set. You got Matthew Broderick, Nicole Kidman, Christopher Walken, Glenn Close and director Frank Oz, which between them is three Oscar winners, a Ferris, a Yoda and Cruise escapee. With all that talent they should have breezed through this fluff with ease. Yet you can see the wheels spinning in each scene. They should have printed “cha-ching” on all the walls, because that was the sub-text floating around. The movie sucks, but sometimes I enjoy knowing that well-treated famous people had a bad work experience. Aw, did the poor little millionaire have a frustrating day making pretend?

6. Just Married - Watching Ashton Kutcher get beaned in the head by a heavy metal plate is good times. Pure, unadulterated good times.

7. Kangaroo Jack - Just like above, watching Jerry O’Connell get his ass kicked by a magical talking kangaroo is great. Take that Sliders boy! Serves you right for making me sit through the aborted fetus that was Tomcats.

8. Soldier - You can’t hate any movie that ends with Kurt Russell fighting to the death with the guy who played Bruce Lee in that Dragon movie.

9. The Village – The only good thing about this movie is the scene on the porch with Joaquin Phoenix and Bryce Howard, when he explains why he will dance at their wedding. It’s nice to see two actors be convincing, sincere, touching and captivating, especially when it comes in the middle of what is ostensibly supposed to be a horror film; if only the rest of the movie had been as well-done. But then, the moronic Shyamalan dues ex machina in the police station pretty much ruined any chance of this being a good movie.

10. Freddy vs. Jason – In any useless, stupid, wasteful, exploitative, disgusting horror movie there’s always one saving grace: boobies. And this film had two good sets of them. Also, it never hurts to see my name in a movie title. If only Jason Priestley made more movies… a cynical humorist can dream. Sigh…

11. The Cat in the Hat – Well, if anything, it’s always nice to see Alec Baldwin getting work. And, um, Dakota Fanning is pretty cool. Um… yeah, geez, this movie is pretty crappy.

12. Crash – Hmmm… it’s almost hypocritical of me to say I liked even one thing from this movie after I so thoroughly bashed it in my post-Oscar rant. But I’m a man of my word, so I will say that I did enjoy Terrence Howard, and that’s it’s always nice to see Brendan Fraser act serious. People forget he’s an extremely capable dramatic actor, but then, Monkeybone, Dudley Do-Right and George of the Jungle will do that to you.

13. Alien vs. Predator – RUN! GET TO DA CHOPPA! Hee! At least the memory of a good Predator movie is still with me. And unfortunately, that memory is still running California. RUN, VOTE, GET TO DA ELECTION!

14. Hollywood Homicide – Who knew Harrison Ford was such a great comedian? Psych! The only redeeming thing about this unfunny, buddy cop movie is seeing Lou Diamond Phillips in drag. To Wong Foo Lou, too wong foo.

15. King Kong – You know when you’re watching a dramatic actor do comedy, and you can see it on their face that they are trying real hard to be funny? And even though it’s not working (because they have absolutely no comic timing, ahem, Sean Penn), you still laugh out of pity and maybe a little sympathy because, well, at least they’re trying to be good. That’s how I feel when I watch Jack Black trying to be serious in King Kong. Every time he puts on his “dramatic” voice I keep waiting for him to whip out a guitar and sing a Tenacious D song, or in the case of his upcoming movie Nacho Libre, to put on a Mexican wrestling mask and do some cartwheels. Nachoooooooo! So, you know, I don’t like the movie, but I like pulling for Jack Black to be a good dramatist. It may never happen, but I’m proud of him nonetheless.

16. Ocean’s 12 – The Vincent Cassel capoeira through the beams scene was pretty tight. Though on the list of greatest alarm beam dance sequences it ranks just under the Eliza Dushka / Ali Larter leather body suit flip in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, and of course, under the champion of all alarm beam dance sequences, the Catherine Zeta-Jones “look at my hot butt move around the yarn” scene in Entrapment. Man, she used to be very smoking. Why on earth would she marry the cryptkeeper? She could have been the most desired single actress in the history of the world. And now? I wouldn’t put her in front of Winona Ryder on the “One-Time Hot Actresses in My Top 5″ List.

17. House of Wax – If you think I am so predictable that my answer for this one would be that I enjoyed watching Paris Hilton getting impaled on a spike, well then… you’d be right. If liking watching Paris Hilton die is predictable, I don’t want to be spontaneous.

18. Bad Santa – One these days I’m gonna write a column about my experiences as an extra, and go on an extended rant about how I hate Lauren Graham for being a hateful bitch who yelled at me in front of the entire cast and crew because the 2nd A.D. told me to walk through her eye line and I follow directions. Like, screw you, lady. You’re not that cute, you’re never going to have a movie career, and you’re never going to win an Emmy. So climb a tall ladder and get over yourself. Gosh! … wait, what was I talking about? Oh, one thing I like about Bad Santa? Yeah, uh, hmm, well I did walk out on it, got my money back and bought Coldstone Creamery ice cream. That pretty much ruled. So I’m gonna go with that.

19. Catwoman – Whenever you get to see a movie that kills its man bad guy by slicing up their face and having it then turn into bloody ash, and that bad guy is renowned psycho-actress Sharon Stone, well then, your movie can’t be all bad.

20. Love Actually – I know I was supposed to like this, what with it being a romantic comedy and it starring a way-hot Keira Knightley. But it was also British, with Hugh Grant dancing, and that never goes down well with me. If anything, I enjoyed Colin Firth trying to woo the Spanish girl and the story of the porn stand-ins who flirted with each other. I’ve always wondered how awkward it must be to shoot a porno movie. Here’s this person you met five minutes ago, and now you’re railing her in front of twenty-five sweaty male crew members. I would bet that’s a little bit awkward. So if you can find love in a situation like that, then maybe you deserve a little love from The Jay. And who am I to refuse?

21. Scooby Doo - It pains me to have to say nice things about this movie. It nearly ruined my love for the cartoon, which means it nearly took a piece of my childhood. And I don’t take kindly to that. But I’m a professional, so I’ll get this done. Matthew Lilliard pulled off Shaggy. Well. There. Moving on…

22. Bringing Down the House – Seeing Eugene Levy’s eyebrows become so successful gives my hairy back hope that one day it too will have top billing in a crappy comedy. My back hair can dream…

23. Bewitched – Another crappy Nicole Kidman remake? Page the Cruiser, someone needs a career boost. I mean any movie that can turn my pure love of Will Ferrell into blind rage may just be the cruelest cinematic joke this side of Ben Affleck and Gigli. However, I did enjoy Jason Schwartzman, Shirley MacLaine and Michael Caine, so that’s something.

24. Van Helsing – Great idea, terrible execution. But I’m man enough to say that Hugh Jackman is a good looking man, and one I’d see in anything, no matter what. After all, the man’s Wolverine. Gotta show him some respect.

25. Stepmom - Umm… yeah, I can’t think of anything. Can I get a mulligan on this one?

26. Hide and Seek – I guessed the ending of this movie in about five minutes, and was ready to bail on it in fewer than ten. So what kept me through the credits? Waiting to see Elisabeth Shue get pushed out a window. It serves her right for inflicting Andrew, that no-talent ass clown of a brother, on all those poor, unsuspecting Melrose Place fans.

27. Pay It Forward - Well, it would be wrong to say I liked seeing Haley Joel Osment get shanked. And it would be in poor taste to say that Kevin Spacey deserved his character’s torment for agreeing to make a film so schmaltzy that honey pours out of the DVD case. So let’s just say that Jay Mohr kick ass, and be done with it.

28. Walk the Line – It’s not so much that I hate Walk the Line, than it is my intense dislike for Reese Witherspoon. So this film doesn’t really belong here. I think Joaquin Phoenix is a tremendous actor, and the music in the film, though not my favorite genre of tunes was very good. But beyond that, screw you Reese Witherspoon.

29. Pearl Harbor - The story of the movie is gripping. The beauty and passion displayed in every glorious frame of film is astounding and breathtaking. NOT! It’s all about watching Josh Hartnett get capped.

30. Big Momma’s House 2 - When did we decide that Martin Lawrence is funny? Please stop going to his movies. Don’t encourage him. And by the way, he stole this movie’s gag from the basketball player Larry Johnson, who he played Grandmama in all those Nike commercials. When I watch this movie, I close my eyes, dream of those commercials and smile.

31. Fat Albert – Even though this travesty of a film collectively ruined the childhoods of half the world, I gotta give it props because my childhood friend Summer was in the trailer. Always cool to see your friends in movie trailers.

32. Blade: Trinity – Ryan Reynolds is funny. And Wesley Snipes is a jerkwad. Watching those two things conflict with each other is unintentional comedy at its best. Also, having a hottie Jessica Biel in your movie never hurts.

33. Magnolia - Three hours of my life I will never get back. Oh, Paul Thomas Anderson, you had me with the porn stars, and you lost me with the raining frogs. But pre-crazy Tom Cruise is a delight to watch as Frank T.J. Mackey. And he did give us the phrase “Respect the cock, tame the pussy!” So I gotta give the movie its props, however small.

34. Freddy Got Fingered - I don’t think even Tom Green could come up with one good thing about his movie. And he married Drew Barrymore, so he’s suffered enough. I’ll go easy on him. I rented this movie, so I only had to pay four dollars. I like that.

35. Problem Child - Gilbert Gottfried may be the spawn of the devil, but Michael Richards is creepily awesome as the sadistic killer that becomes the kid’s pen pal.

36. Lost in Translation – You may think the one thing I like about this movie that I hate would be the opening shot of Scarlett’s butt. You’d be wrong. You may think it would be the pseudo-classic Bill Murray karaoke scene. You’d be wrong there, too. No, the one thing I like is the rumor that the Bill Murray character is actually supposed to be Harrison Ford. That type of unsubstantiated movie gossip is what gets me out of bed in the morning. Well that, and those glorious little Hostess chocolate donettes. I got through 8 a.m. College classes with those babies.

37. Elf – Anytime you can see a midget beat the holy hell out of Will Ferrell, you’ve got comedic gold, if only for a few short minutes.

38. The Perfect Storm - It’s a good cast. I especially like watching Mark Wahlberg drown. It’s called payback for making me sit through the abortion that was the Planet of the Apes remake.

39. Pretty Woman - I like the original ending, where Richard Gere dumps her, and she gets AIDS and dies. Does that make me a bad person? I mean c’mon, it’s a movie about Richard Gere buying a whore. Who found this funny?

40. Be Cool – I was really hoping I could end this piece on a positive note. Drop a compliment on a movie I kind of secretly like, despite its badness. I was hoping I wouldn’t have to end this piece on a vengeful, crappy note. But se la vie said the old folks, it goes to show you never can tell. I hate this movie. I hate everything about it. I am so angry at everyone involved in this disaster that my blood boils just trying to think of something positive to say about Be Cool. And I can’t do it. I’m sorry, I just can’t. There was not one thing I liked about this movie that I hate.

So there it is… I truly am a hater. And you know what, in this case, that’s ok by me.

Bangarang!

P.S. WAIT! I remembered that I did like The Rock dressed as a gay cowboy; made me chuckle a bit. Maybe I’m not a hater after all. Maybe there’s hope for me yet. Nah, probably not; I hate pretty much everything.

The other night I sat down to write a new piece that was about anything but the Oscars (finally). So I checked my usual sites, looking for a subject, looking for inspiration. As it turns out, inspiration is hard to come by on the Internet. I checked sports sites, trivia sites, gossip sites, movie and TV sites, book sites, blogs, news sites, myspace, and anywhere else I could think to go to. But I found nothing. At the risk of writing in hyperbole, but right now, there is absolutely nothing going on of any interest.

The Oscars are over, TV is mostly in reruns and midseason pick-up ads, sports is failing miserably with the WBC and those pathetic Olympics, the gossip scene is thin and besides, who cares to read anymore about the Lohan’s, Paris’s and Brangelina’s of the world. And worse yet, there hasn’t been a single decent movie to come out this year, with very little to look forward to on the horizon. Yes, it’s a light time right now. In other words, it’s hard out here for a blogger…

I’m going to spend the next few days brainstorming good column ideas and watching as much entertainment as I can, in my search for inspiration (I have the Crispin Glover movie Willard going on in the background right now, so you know, the search is starting out pretty poorly). But until the divine hits me, or I grow impatient and bang out another “Crash sucks” piece, I did want to post SOMETHING. So I started coming up with lists of things to write about, and just as quickly, an idea came.

Lists.

And so I started listing things, pop culture-like things. And it should due for now. I promise thicker, funnier content as the ides of March roll on, but until then, please enjoy my Top 5 lists.

Top 5 Upcoming Films I Am Dying To See

1. Miami Vice
2. A Scanner Darkly
3. Nacho Libre
4. Snakes on a (Muthafuckin) Plane
5. Clerks 2

Top 5 Potentially Awesome Future Oscar Hosts

1. Jim Carrey
2. Conan O’Brien
3. George Clooney
4. Bonnie Hunt
5. Tom Cruise (Just Kidding!)

Top 5 Favorite Random Facts About Chuck Norris

1. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
2. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
3. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.
4. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
5. In the beginning there was nothing…then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said “Get a job”. That is the story of the universe.

Top 5 Sequels I Never Want To See

1. Crash 2: Revenge of the Fender Bender
2. King Kong 2: Less Monkey, More Adrien Brody
3. Duece Bigalow 3: Stop Employing Rob Schneider
4. Rumor Has It… This Sequel Sucks
5. The Revenge of the Christ

The Top 5 Worst Films Released So Far This Year

1. Hostel
2. Freedomland
3. Underworld: Evolution
4. Big Momma’s House 2
5. When A Stranger Calls

Top 5 Discarded TheJay.com Post Ideas

1. The Case For: King Kong, Best Picture Winner
2. Dolph Lundgren: The Greatest Action Star Ever (Actually this would be kind of cool.)
3. Why Paris Hilton Will One Day Win An Oscar
4. 50 Reasons Why I Like Renee Zellweger
5. Keanu Reeves: Misunderstood Genius, A Five Part Series (Actually I am doing this one, but it will be called “Keanu Reeves is my Favorite Actor. Seriously.”)

Top 5 Summer Films That Will Suck. Trust Me.

1. Little Man
2. The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (Wouldn’t a better subtitle be: “3rd Gear”?)
3. Garfield 2
4. Superman Returns
5. Poseidon

Top 5 TV Shows That Just Need To End Already. It’s Time.

1. The West Wing
2. Scrubs
3. The O.C.
4. Charmed
5. Will & Grace

Top 5 Pieces of Entertainment I Have Recently Enjoyed

1. She’s The Man – Who knew I’d like an Amanda Bynes movie?
2. Elroy Nights – A wonderful, lyrical book by the famed Southern writer Frederick Barthelme.
3. Poolhall Junkies – It’s not Shakespeare, but it is a cool little indie starring a trove of excellent actors, led by the inimitable Christopher Walken (He has a monologue about lions that is tremendous, and vintage-Walken. He should be required to show up in every movie and recite some crazy speech, just to make it better; no film could not be improved by more Chirstopher Walken.).
4. Pros vs. Joes – I like this show so much that I can’t do it justice with a one-liner. As The Sports Guy would say, this definitely deserves it’s own column at some point.
5. Gilbert Gottfried: Dirty Jokes – I hate Gilbert Gottfried and I still loved this CD. It’s raunchy, it’s offensive and it made me laugh harder than anything I can remember lately.

Top 5 Most Overrated Current TV Shows

1. Desperate Housewives
2. Lost
3. Grey’s Anatomy
4. The Sopranos
5. 24

Top 5 Most Underrated Current TV Shows

1. Boston Legal
2. Battlestar: Galactica
3. Veronica Mars
4. Smallville
5. Out of Practice

Top 5 Funniest Wedding Crashers Movie Quotes

1. “I’m a cocksman!”
2. “Just the tip. Just for a second. Just to see how it feels.”
3. “Rule #76: No excuses. Play like a champion!”
4. “You shut your mouth when you’re talking to me.”
5. “I’d like to be cowboys from Arizona or pimps from Oakland but it’s not Halloween. Grow up.”

Top 5 Worst Bruce Willis Action Movies

1. Mercury Rising
2. Striking Distance
3. The Jackal
4. The Siege
5. Tears of the Sun

Top 5 Reasons Lost has Gone Off Its Rails

1. Michelle Rodriguez
2. Kate and her pretty pony
3. Way Too Much Tailies, Way Too Little Sayid, Hurley and Mr. Eko
4. Enough with the hatch, tell me more about the Others, already!
5. Seriously, a freakin pony?

Top 5 Most Annoying Things About MySpace

1. People Who Overuse the Bulletins To Post Useless, Annoying Crap That Nobody Cares About.
2. Friend Requests from people I don’t know. Go away, whores!
3. People With More Than 150 Friends. Dude, seriously, you don’t know that many people.
4. Clicking on a friend’s page and getting assaulted with a design for their page where you can’t see anything.
5. People bugging you about why they aren’t in your “Top Eight”. You’re not there, because I don’t like you. Climb a ladder and get over yourself.

Top 5 Celebrities Couples That Must Be Stopped

1. Brangelina
2. Britney and Kevin
3. TomKat
4. Lindsay Lohan and Cocaine
5. Vaughniston

The Top 5 Saddest Things in Entertainment So Far This Year

1. The decline of Scrubs (Damn you Zach Braff, can’t you at least try to act like you want to be there?)
2. The sad realization that Harrison Ford as we know him (believable action hero) is gone forever.
3. The look on Brad Pitt’s face every time Angelina drags him to another United Nations event.
4. Paul Giamatti losing out on a much-deserved Oscar… again.
5. The sad realization that Katie Holmes will never be “that hot girl from Dawsons Creek who got naked in the Gift” ever again.

Top 5 Most Embarassing DVD’s That I Own

1. Godzilla: Special Edition
2. Best of the Best 2 (Not nearly as cool as the original. James Earl Jones ruled in that one!)
3. Oscar (But at least I don’t own Stop, or My Mom Will Shoot!)
4. The O.C. – Season One
5. Practical Magic (Not only have I unwrapped it, it’s gotten a lot of play time.)

Bangarang!

Alright, so here’s the deal… a day after the Oscars I got bad dash of stomach flu. Up until this afternoon, I hadn’t been out of bed since Monday night. And it sucked. If you think for a second it may be fun to hang out in bed for two days, I welcome you to try it, but you’re gonna hate it, because it sucks. First off, there’s absolutely nothing on TV during the days. Aside from the always reliable PTI on ESPN there might be an above average SNL on E!, but mostly there’s a big ball of nothing (Man, there were a lot of abbreviations in that sentence. LOL!).

Also, lying down for an extended period of time is not fun; your legs lock up and get sore, you get nasty full body cramps and you get a raging cotton sheets-induced headache. So now I’m a couple pounds lighter, a couple Netflix mailed back and two days behind on my final Oscar recap. Unfortunately, I’m apparently the only one on the net that hasn’t done one yet. Seriously, who knew that Oscar coverage would be so widespread on the net? Since when was it about anything else but porn?

So you’re not getting a big slam bang Oscar recap filled with best and worst lists and cheap shots at the expense of Reese Witherspoon (well maybe you’ll still get one or two). I’m done with the Oscars, done with my mammothly over thought-out Oscar coverage and done with my blinding anger over the Crash win. And I would bet most of you would like to see me writing about something else. But before I do, I will give you one last Oscar treat.

Every year I like to write what I think some celebrities were thinking as they walked down the Oscar red carpet. A-Train personally requested I do this, and since he’s throwing what will be an awesome St. Patrick’s Day party down at his Manhattan Beach pad next week (Irish Car Bombs here I come…), I am inclined to acquiesce to his request… means “yes”.

So…

Things Overheard… On The Oscar Red Carpet

Paul Giamatti – I would have shaved for this thing, but I know they’re giving it to Clooney. Why even make me come down? You screwed me last year and now you’re giving me a pity nod? Screw it, I’m gonna go find Russell Crowe, get drunk and throw stuff.

George Clooney – I wonder… if I win, could I get as many chicks as Jack? Probably not, but damn if I’m not gonna give it my best shot.

Keira Knightley – I left Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom on a beautiful Caribbean island to fly halfway around the world, and get all crazy hotted up just so I can lose graciously to that squirrel chin, Reese Witherspoon? The things I gotta do to make up for Domino!

Heath Ledger – And to think, I was this close to signing up for A Knight’s Tale 2: Revenge of the Joust.

Scarlet Johansson – You mean I suffered through three months of Woody Allen ogling my ass and Isaac Mizrahi grabbing my tits and I didn’t even get nominated? Damn! Well, at least I look like a pornstar. That should get me some respect.

Hillary Swank – Remember everybody, I’m still a girl. That fact has not changed. And now I’m single. Line it up, boys!

Charlize Theron – Man, what is that thing on my shoulder? Was I high when I picked this dress, or am I just high now? Eh, probably both.

Martin Scorsese – Hey, what do you guys have going on here? Oh, the Oscars? That’s cool. Yeah, I stopped going ten years ago when I realized I’d never win. You reap what you sow. I probably should never of whacked Gil Cates’s wife after I lost out on Goodfellas to Kevin freakin’ Costner! Eh, what can you do?

Lindsay Lohan – It’s five o’clock, did I miss the free coke giveaway?

Harrison Ford – What? They don’t serve alcohol at this thing? Fuck it, I’m going back to my ranch.

Tom Hanks – My hair looks fantastic. So much good product in it. Look at that wave. Two-time Oscar winner, box office champion, and now, hair model. And I don’t at all look like an idiot.

Jake Gyllenhaal – I gotta go kiss some more girls to prove I’m not gay. Where did Hilary Swank go?

Reese Witherspoon – It’s too bad that famous online humorist The Jay doesn’t like me. Maybe If I win the Oscar he’ll finally forgive me for that face I made in Cruel Intentions, and for generally acting snotty and above it all.

Renee Zellweger – I wouldn’t count on it. Trust me, I know.

The Jay – Bitchface is right, sorry. The hate-on continues!

Nicole Kidman – Can someone blink my eyeballs for me? Seriously, I can’t move them. It’s possible I may have botoxed my eyes permanently open. This can’t be good. Well, on the bright side, at least I’m not still married to Tom.

Steven Spielberg – Stop asking me about Indy 4. We’ll make it as soon as Harrison dries out.

Samuel L. Jackson – Next year it’s all me. Best Actor for Snakes on a Muthafuckin’ Plane! Yes I deserve the Oscar and I hope they burn in hell!

Jennifer Garner – That’s Mrs. Affleck if you’re nasty!

Jack Nicholson – You know what? Whatever it says on that envelope, I’m saying something else. Just for funsies. I mean, what are they gonna do? I’m Jack.

Michelle Williams – Let’s see, Pacey fell off the face of the earth, Dawson is stuck doing failed sitcom pilots, Katie got sold into slavery, and I’m here, nominated for an Oscar and married to Heath Ledger. Yeah, we’re gonna call that a win for me. Michelle’s Creek in the house!

Peter Jackson – Walloping wallabies and crickey, you mean you buggers didn’t love me Kong movie? I don’t blimey get it. Should I not have made it three hours? Was that dreadful first hour where you don’t even see Kong too much? Should I have put in some gay hobbit sex just to make it topical? Cause I have me some of that. I got Elijah drunk one night on the set of The Two Towers.

Jennifer Aniston – What? Did you say Brad’s here? Cause I coulda sworn you said Brad’s here. No? Oh, ok. Breath, Jen, just breathe. It’s gonna be ok. He’ll come back. He’ll forget all about that skank Angelina and come back to me, Leathersk-er, I mean, Jennifer.

William H. Macy – Did you see the dick on my wife in her movie? Yeah, that’s right people! I take her home EVERY NIGHT.

Matthew McConaughey – You what I say about the Oscars? I keep getting older, they never nominate me.

Katie Holmes – Please god, somebody just kill him. I had no idea it would be like this. He’s so creepy. If I don’t smile and call him amazing every five minutes he’ll force me spend the night in the Scientology Center. I’m so scared.

Tom Cruise – Woo hoo! Yeah! I’m so in love. She is not at all a beard! Did you see how pregnant I have made her! Woo! Katie, it’s been five minutes. Smile and call me amazing, it’s time for a sound bite and a way heterosexual photo-op kiss. Bend down. Lower…. lower… c’mon, you afraid to ruin your dress? I’m like, 3’4, get on your knees and open wide. I am so not nuts!

Mel Gibson – That ok, cause I am! Go see my psychotic new Mayan adventure movie“Apocalypto”, coming this summer to a theatre near you. Best Picture 2006, here I come! Praise Jesus!

Bangarang!

As my impeachable moral code dictates, I am the first to admit when I’m wrong. So… I was wrong. Despite overwhelming evidence that Brokeback Mountain was the best picture of the year (Golden Globe, DGA, PGA, WGA, dozens of critics prizes, plus, you know, popular freakin’ opinion!), the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts & Sciences, in their infinite wisdom, decided to forgo this groundbreaking, progressive and socially relevant film in order to bestow the highest prize in all of cinema to a hackneyed, cluttered ensemble piece whose central message was that, surprise, people still don’t like other people. Like, whoa, you’re telling me there are still bigots, racists, narrow-minded fools and rampant global-ignorance? I am stunned that it took Matt Dillon to teach me about the evils of isolationism.

Wow…

The biggest upset in Oscar history. Bigger than John Wayne robbing Dustin Hoffman back in 1968. Bigger that Shakespeare in Love buying a Best Picture win over Saving Private Ryan. Bigger than Marisa Tomei and all the conspiracy theories surrounding the way she won. It’s not often you get to watch history literally unfold, but boy, we got that chance last night. What was up until that point a relatively predictable Oscar telecast (I was right about the Clooney win), became the most exciting Oscar ceremony in nearly a decade. It reminded me of the Rams/Titans Super Bowl back in 2000. That last play was so amazing that the entire attitude toward that game was changed. I remember a boring Super Bowl with an exciting final few minutes, everyone else remembers the greatest Super Bowl in the history of the NFL. In ten years people will remember this Oscar show as tense, surprising and exciting. They will say it was the funniest Oscar show they have ever seen. I’m telling you, don’t believe them. This was a boring, tepid Oscars, overrun with silly clip montages, poorly choreographed Best Song numbers and unfunny, dull acceptance speeches. This was a mild show with an unbelievable climax. Memorable television, that does not make.

So here I am, recapping the second Oscars in a row where Paul Haggis fooled us all. I hated his Million Dollar Baby, calling it unsubtle, manipulative and pretentious. I couldn’t have dreamed that he could write a more on the nose film. Again, I was wrong.

You know, it’s not so much that I was so in love with Brokeback Mountain and desperately wanted it to win, as it is that I so vehemently disliked Crash. I am befuddled by the critics that lavished praise on Crash, calling in a searing examination of modern day racism. I don’t understand the people who were touched by the “redemption” of the Matt Dillon character, and who were moved by the scene where the little girl is “shot”. What I saw was a bunch of well-known actors saying words that were designed to manipulate and provoke preset emotions and not intended to decipher the problem and attempt a resolution. Where some saw subtlety, I saw a weak, unconfident narrative. You know what you do when you want to write about racism but don’t have any answers to the problem? You have people talk openly about racism, then show them being racist, albeit with moral consequences.

I don’t need to be told there are racists still alive today. I don’t need to see obvious racism in action. And I especially don’t need to be told that I should feel bad that there is racism. Of course I feel bad. It’s but one of many things about life that I feel bad about. Racism, poverty, anti-Semitism, homophobia, genocide, ignorance, bad education, drugs, sexual and physical assault, abuse in any form, child molestation, violence in schools, gangs… and so on; there are bad things happening in this world, and having Thandie Newton and Terrence Howard complain about it is not the way to make me reach into my heart and open the floodgates.

And furthermore, what side was that movie on, anyway? Did it even take a side? Sure, they fell on the “racism is bad” side, but you know, of course they did. What I’m saying is, I know everything they showed me, and I wanted to see something more. I wanted to walk out of that movie thinking that the film tried to do something about the effects of racism, that the filmmakers took some time to examine the problem and attempt to visualize a solution. I wanted to see that they had more on their mind than giving Sandra Bullock a chance to gain some indie cred.

Crash was a bad social studies lesson with no central plot. What was the movie about? Don’t tell me that all there was was a group of characters that coincidentally crossed each other’s paths. Don’t tell me that the writers of the movie had no roadmap to the end credits, that they didn’t create a traditional (and necessary) three-act story structure, or that I am expected to marvel at a screenplay about ten little stories woven together with character bumpers. Because if I’m being told these things it is because Crash was weak, that it had no spine. You know what you do when you don’t have the talent to write a single story so powerful that it deserves its two-hour length? You write several moderately powerful stories and modulate the major emotional scenes so that you have one slam dunk after another. Sure, it’s seems powerful and heart-rending, but in reality it’s just manipulative, small filmmaking. I didn’t need to see ten different B-plots about gay men in society because Brokeback Mountain had a central story strong enough to propel in an entire film.

And let me change gears a bit and talk about the Academy, a group of people so blind to the world that they couldn’t recognize social change if Paul Haggis wrote a three-part epic about it. I think they were afraid of the mid-west. I think they were afraid of what it may look like to conservative Americans if they gave their highest honor to a “gay cowboy” movie. That if someone in the Heartland was watching the Oscars and complaining about how “nebbishy” Jon Stewart is (Like, way to bring the Yiddish, Heartland), and when Jack opened the envelope and said Brokeback Mountain they would have swelled with homophobia and at that moment absolutely refuse ever to go to the movies again. How bad would it really have been to name Brokeback Mountain our Best Picture of the year? What was so wrong and scary about saying that the film that touched hearts, opened lines of dialogue and that informed people about a subject that had previously been ignored, that it is the best representation of what cinema offered in the year 2005?

The Academy has always like being a proponent of social change. They awarded Driving Miss Daisy, an intimate look on race relations in the south. They awarded Rain Man, a optimistic look about overcoming mental retardation. They awarded Kramer vs. Kramer when divorce was beginning to become a real problem in society. They awarded Gandhi, Schindler’s List, Midnight Cowboy and The Bridge Over the River Kwai. So am I to understand that the Academy is more than willing to award film that explore social change, as long as it isn’t homosexuality? In fifty years Brokeback Mountain will still be an important film. It will still be a glowing example of how film can change society’s way of thinking. Crash will just be another ensemble movie, a footnote in Oscar history. The way we will forget Chicago, Out of Africa and Around the World in 80 Days. I want my Academy to be a place where they value daring cinema, and who cares if certain people don’t like it.

Coke, GM and whoever else bought airtime would not have refused to sponsor the Oscars if Brokeback had won. It’s the Oscars; nothing will stop people from watching. They could have set a strong message. They could have set a daring precedent. They could have done some good. I need the Best Picture of the year to blow my socks off. I need to feel like when my son goes to film school that he’ll come home from class one day, call me up and go “Dad, they showed me Braveheart today. Man alive, that was a great film.‿ I want the Best Picture to inspire kids to want to be filmmakers. I don’t need the Best Picture to be a bargain-rate social studies class. That’s what we have high school for. The Oscars are supposed to be about something more. And last night they let me down.

In time I will get over this. I will grudgingly accept that the last two Best Pictures have been films that I loathed. I will hope against hope that I fall head over heels in love with the next five Best Pictures. That maybe the Academy will climb a ladder, get over their selves and give Martin Scorsese a freaking Oscar already. That maybe Paul Giamatti will eventually get this Oscar (As will Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone, Ed Norton and Tom Cruise). In time I hope that my Oscar parties only get better and better (Though last night was a ton of fun. Thank you to everyone that came.). I hope that they bring back Jon Stewart and let him grow into the national stage; he was not bad, but not great (Though I did love the Keira Knightley crazy-hotness commercial).

I hope… I hope that one day I will catch Crash on TNT and be surprised to find that I was wrong. That I just missed it the first time around. That I fall in love with the film and regret all the things I just wrote about the film. I hope all these things happen, but do I think they will? No… probably not.

Congratulations to all the winners; congratulations to Paul Haggis, may he strive to do better work so that I may start respecting him and respecting his films, his Best Pictures.

Bangarang!