Alright, so here’s the deal… a day after the Oscars I got bad dash of stomach flu. Up until this afternoon, I hadn’t been out of bed since Monday night. And it sucked. If you think for a second it may be fun to hang out in bed for two days, I welcome you to try it, but you’re gonna hate it, because it sucks. First off, there’s absolutely nothing on TV during the days. Aside from the always reliable PTI on ESPN there might be an above average SNL on E!, but mostly there’s a big ball of nothing (Man, there were a lot of abbreviations in that sentence. LOL!).

Also, lying down for an extended period of time is not fun; your legs lock up and get sore, you get nasty full body cramps and you get a raging cotton sheets-induced headache. So now I’m a couple pounds lighter, a couple Netflix mailed back and two days behind on my final Oscar recap. Unfortunately, I’m apparently the only one on the net that hasn’t done one yet. Seriously, who knew that Oscar coverage would be so widespread on the net? Since when was it about anything else but porn?

So you’re not getting a big slam bang Oscar recap filled with best and worst lists and cheap shots at the expense of Reese Witherspoon (well maybe you’ll still get one or two). I’m done with the Oscars, done with my mammothly over thought-out Oscar coverage and done with my blinding anger over the Crash win. And I would bet most of you would like to see me writing about something else. But before I do, I will give you one last Oscar treat.

Every year I like to write what I think some celebrities were thinking as they walked down the Oscar red carpet. A-Train personally requested I do this, and since he’s throwing what will be an awesome St. Patrick’s Day party down at his Manhattan Beach pad next week (Irish Car Bombs here I come…), I am inclined to acquiesce to his request… means “yes”.

So…

Things Overheard… On The Oscar Red Carpet

Paul Giamatti – I would have shaved for this thing, but I know they’re giving it to Clooney. Why even make me come down? You screwed me last year and now you’re giving me a pity nod? Screw it, I’m gonna go find Russell Crowe, get drunk and throw stuff.

George Clooney – I wonder… if I win, could I get as many chicks as Jack? Probably not, but damn if I’m not gonna give it my best shot.

Keira Knightley – I left Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom on a beautiful Caribbean island to fly halfway around the world, and get all crazy hotted up just so I can lose graciously to that squirrel chin, Reese Witherspoon? The things I gotta do to make up for Domino!

Heath Ledger – And to think, I was this close to signing up for A Knight’s Tale 2: Revenge of the Joust.

Scarlet Johansson – You mean I suffered through three months of Woody Allen ogling my ass and Isaac Mizrahi grabbing my tits and I didn’t even get nominated? Damn! Well, at least I look like a pornstar. That should get me some respect.

Hillary Swank – Remember everybody, I’m still a girl. That fact has not changed. And now I’m single. Line it up, boys!

Charlize Theron – Man, what is that thing on my shoulder? Was I high when I picked this dress, or am I just high now? Eh, probably both.

Martin Scorsese – Hey, what do you guys have going on here? Oh, the Oscars? That’s cool. Yeah, I stopped going ten years ago when I realized I’d never win. You reap what you sow. I probably should never of whacked Gil Cates’s wife after I lost out on Goodfellas to Kevin freakin’ Costner! Eh, what can you do?

Lindsay Lohan – It’s five o’clock, did I miss the free coke giveaway?

Harrison Ford – What? They don’t serve alcohol at this thing? Fuck it, I’m going back to my ranch.

Tom Hanks – My hair looks fantastic. So much good product in it. Look at that wave. Two-time Oscar winner, box office champion, and now, hair model. And I don’t at all look like an idiot.

Jake Gyllenhaal – I gotta go kiss some more girls to prove I’m not gay. Where did Hilary Swank go?

Reese Witherspoon – It’s too bad that famous online humorist The Jay doesn’t like me. Maybe If I win the Oscar he’ll finally forgive me for that face I made in Cruel Intentions, and for generally acting snotty and above it all.

Renee Zellweger – I wouldn’t count on it. Trust me, I know.

The Jay – Bitchface is right, sorry. The hate-on continues!

Nicole Kidman – Can someone blink my eyeballs for me? Seriously, I can’t move them. It’s possible I may have botoxed my eyes permanently open. This can’t be good. Well, on the bright side, at least I’m not still married to Tom.

Steven Spielberg – Stop asking me about Indy 4. We’ll make it as soon as Harrison dries out.

Samuel L. Jackson – Next year it’s all me. Best Actor for Snakes on a Muthafuckin’ Plane! Yes I deserve the Oscar and I hope they burn in hell!

Jennifer Garner – That’s Mrs. Affleck if you’re nasty!

Jack Nicholson – You know what? Whatever it says on that envelope, I’m saying something else. Just for funsies. I mean, what are they gonna do? I’m Jack.

Michelle Williams – Let’s see, Pacey fell off the face of the earth, Dawson is stuck doing failed sitcom pilots, Katie got sold into slavery, and I’m here, nominated for an Oscar and married to Heath Ledger. Yeah, we’re gonna call that a win for me. Michelle’s Creek in the house!

Peter Jackson – Walloping wallabies and crickey, you mean you buggers didn’t love me Kong movie? I don’t blimey get it. Should I not have made it three hours? Was that dreadful first hour where you don’t even see Kong too much? Should I have put in some gay hobbit sex just to make it topical? Cause I have me some of that. I got Elijah drunk one night on the set of The Two Towers.

Jennifer Aniston – What? Did you say Brad’s here? Cause I coulda sworn you said Brad’s here. No? Oh, ok. Breath, Jen, just breathe. It’s gonna be ok. He’ll come back. He’ll forget all about that skank Angelina and come back to me, Leathersk-er, I mean, Jennifer.

William H. Macy – Did you see the dick on my wife in her movie? Yeah, that’s right people! I take her home EVERY NIGHT.

Matthew McConaughey – You what I say about the Oscars? I keep getting older, they never nominate me.

Katie Holmes – Please god, somebody just kill him. I had no idea it would be like this. He’s so creepy. If I don’t smile and call him amazing every five minutes he’ll force me spend the night in the Scientology Center. I’m so scared.

Tom Cruise – Woo hoo! Yeah! I’m so in love. She is not at all a beard! Did you see how pregnant I have made her! Woo! Katie, it’s been five minutes. Smile and call me amazing, it’s time for a sound bite and a way heterosexual photo-op kiss. Bend down. Lower…. lower… c’mon, you afraid to ruin your dress? I’m like, 3’4, get on your knees and open wide. I am so not nuts!

Mel Gibson – That ok, cause I am! Go see my psychotic new Mayan adventure movie“Apocalypto”, coming this summer to a theatre near you. Best Picture 2006, here I come! Praise Jesus!

Bangarang!


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About Jason Matthews

Jason Matthews is the head writer for TheJay.com. The site has been nominated for two Weblog Awards (Best Culture Blog, 2006 & 2007), and has been featured on more than 100 websites, including the IMDB, Defamer, College Humor, USA Today’s Pop Candy (Written by Whitney Matheson), Entertainment Weekly’s PopWatch, BestWeekEver.tv, Gorilla Mask and eBaum’s World. Jason is also an accomplished playwright. He is currently the Writer-in-Residence at the Ruskin Group Theatre, where through their showcase “Café Plays”, he has written and produced forty-five one-act plays, and premiered his full-length debut comedy ‘Four Night Stand’ to a sold out six-week run in Spring 2010. In addition to his work online and in theatre, Jason was the host of PopLoad on NowLive.com from January – May 2007, and was the Editor-in-Chief of the popular Santa Barbara-based arts magazine CampusPOINT from June 2000 – June 2002. He has a Bachelor’s Degree in Film Studies from UC Santa Barbara, and an intense love for Ben Affleck and Keanu Reeves. Find Jason Matthews on Twitter @ www.Twitter.com/jasonamatthews
This entry was posted in 2006 Academy Awards, Charlize Theron, Lindsay Lohan, Oscars, Reese Witherspoon, Renee Zellweger, Samuel L. Jackson, Scarlett Johansson, Tom Cruise, TomKat. Bookmark the permalink.

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  1. Pingback: The Jay » Things Overheard on the Oscars Red Carpet, 2007

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