The other night I sat down to write a new piece that was about anything but the Oscars (finally). So I checked my usual sites, looking for a subject, looking for inspiration. As it turns out, inspiration is hard to come by on the Internet. I checked sports sites, trivia sites, gossip sites, movie and TV sites, book sites, blogs, news sites, myspace, and anywhere else I could think to go to. But I found nothing. At the risk of writing in hyperbole, but right now, there is absolutely nothing going on of any interest.

The Oscars are over, TV is mostly in reruns and midseason pick-up ads, sports is failing miserably with the WBC and those pathetic Olympics, the gossip scene is thin and besides, who cares to read anymore about the Lohan’s, Paris’s and Brangelina’s of the world. And worse yet, there hasn’t been a single decent movie to come out this year, with very little to look forward to on the horizon. Yes, it’s a light time right now. In other words, it’s hard out here for a blogger…

I’m going to spend the next few days brainstorming good column ideas and watching as much entertainment as I can, in my search for inspiration (I have the Crispin Glover movie Willard going on in the background right now, so you know, the search is starting out pretty poorly). But until the divine hits me, or I grow impatient and bang out another “Crash sucks” piece, I did want to post SOMETHING. So I started coming up with lists of things to write about, and just as quickly, an idea came.

Lists.

And so I started listing things, pop culture-like things. And it should due for now. I promise thicker, funnier content as the ides of March roll on, but until then, please enjoy my Top 5 lists.

Top 5 Upcoming Films I Am Dying To See

1. Miami Vice
2. A Scanner Darkly
3. Nacho Libre
4. Snakes on a (Muthafuckin) Plane
5. Clerks 2

Top 5 Potentially Awesome Future Oscar Hosts

1. Jim Carrey
2. Conan O’Brien
3. George Clooney
4. Bonnie Hunt
5. Tom Cruise (Just Kidding!)

Top 5 Favorite Random Facts About Chuck Norris

1. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
2. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
3. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.
4. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
5. In the beginning there was nothing…then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said “Get a job”. That is the story of the universe.

Top 5 Sequels I Never Want To See

1. Crash 2: Revenge of the Fender Bender
2. King Kong 2: Less Monkey, More Adrien Brody
3. Duece Bigalow 3: Stop Employing Rob Schneider
4. Rumor Has It… This Sequel Sucks
5. The Revenge of the Christ

The Top 5 Worst Films Released So Far This Year

1. Hostel
2. Freedomland
3. Underworld: Evolution
4. Big Momma’s House 2
5. When A Stranger Calls

Top 5 Discarded TheJay.com Post Ideas

1. The Case For: King Kong, Best Picture Winner
2. Dolph Lundgren: The Greatest Action Star Ever (Actually this would be kind of cool.)
3. Why Paris Hilton Will One Day Win An Oscar
4. 50 Reasons Why I Like Renee Zellweger
5. Keanu Reeves: Misunderstood Genius, A Five Part Series (Actually I am doing this one, but it will be called “Keanu Reeves is my Favorite Actor. Seriously.”)

Top 5 Summer Films That Will Suck. Trust Me.

1. Little Man
2. The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (Wouldn’t a better subtitle be: “3rd Gear”?)
3. Garfield 2
4. Superman Returns
5. Poseidon

Top 5 TV Shows That Just Need To End Already. It’s Time.

1. The West Wing
2. Scrubs
3. The O.C.
4. Charmed
5. Will & Grace

Top 5 Pieces of Entertainment I Have Recently Enjoyed

1. She’s The Man – Who knew I’d like an Amanda Bynes movie?
2. Elroy Nights – A wonderful, lyrical book by the famed Southern writer Frederick Barthelme.
3. Poolhall Junkies – It’s not Shakespeare, but it is a cool little indie starring a trove of excellent actors, led by the inimitable Christopher Walken (He has a monologue about lions that is tremendous, and vintage-Walken. He should be required to show up in every movie and recite some crazy speech, just to make it better; no film could not be improved by more Chirstopher Walken.).
4. Pros vs. Joes – I like this show so much that I can’t do it justice with a one-liner. As The Sports Guy would say, this definitely deserves it’s own column at some point.
5. Gilbert Gottfried: Dirty Jokes – I hate Gilbert Gottfried and I still loved this CD. It’s raunchy, it’s offensive and it made me laugh harder than anything I can remember lately.

Top 5 Most Overrated Current TV Shows

1. Desperate Housewives
2. Lost
3. Grey’s Anatomy
4. The Sopranos
5. 24

Top 5 Most Underrated Current TV Shows

1. Boston Legal
2. Battlestar: Galactica
3. Veronica Mars
4. Smallville
5. Out of Practice

Top 5 Funniest Wedding Crashers Movie Quotes

1. “I’m a cocksman!”
2. “Just the tip. Just for a second. Just to see how it feels.”
3. “Rule #76: No excuses. Play like a champion!”
4. “You shut your mouth when you’re talking to me.”
5. “I’d like to be cowboys from Arizona or pimps from Oakland but it’s not Halloween. Grow up.”

Top 5 Worst Bruce Willis Action Movies

1. Mercury Rising
2. Striking Distance
3. The Jackal
4. The Siege
5. Tears of the Sun

Top 5 Reasons Lost has Gone Off Its Rails

1. Michelle Rodriguez
2. Kate and her pretty pony
3. Way Too Much Tailies, Way Too Little Sayid, Hurley and Mr. Eko
4. Enough with the hatch, tell me more about the Others, already!
5. Seriously, a freakin pony?

Top 5 Most Annoying Things About MySpace

1. People Who Overuse the Bulletins To Post Useless, Annoying Crap That Nobody Cares About.
2. Friend Requests from people I don’t know. Go away, whores!
3. People With More Than 150 Friends. Dude, seriously, you don’t know that many people.
4. Clicking on a friend’s page and getting assaulted with a design for their page where you can’t see anything.
5. People bugging you about why they aren’t in your “Top Eight”. You’re not there, because I don’t like you. Climb a ladder and get over yourself.

Top 5 Celebrities Couples That Must Be Stopped

1. Brangelina
2. Britney and Kevin
3. TomKat
4. Lindsay Lohan and Cocaine
5. Vaughniston

The Top 5 Saddest Things in Entertainment So Far This Year

1. The decline of Scrubs (Damn you Zach Braff, can’t you at least try to act like you want to be there?)
2. The sad realization that Harrison Ford as we know him (believable action hero) is gone forever.
3. The look on Brad Pitt’s face every time Angelina drags him to another United Nations event.
4. Paul Giamatti losing out on a much-deserved Oscar… again.
5. The sad realization that Katie Holmes will never be “that hot girl from Dawsons Creek who got naked in the Gift” ever again.

Top 5 Most Embarassing DVD’s That I Own

1. Godzilla: Special Edition
2. Best of the Best 2 (Not nearly as cool as the original. James Earl Jones ruled in that one!)
3. Oscar (But at least I don’t own Stop, or My Mom Will Shoot!)
4. The O.C. – Season One
5. Practical Magic (Not only have I unwrapped it, it’s gotten a lot of play time.)

Bangarang!