1 Thing I Like About 40 Movies I Hate

I’m a hater. That’s what I am. Try as I might to just sit idly by and let bad movies wash right over me, I just plainly refuse to abide by mediocre, wasteful cinema. Purposefully bad movies are one thing; at least they have sense of camp value to them. But truly bad movies (at least the ones I deem bad) bring nothing to the table, not even unintentional good times. It’s hard to say even one nice thing about them. And most days I don’t even want to try.

Thankfully for you, today is not one of those days. I’m in a giving mood. A positive, I like all movies, even ones with Renee Zellweger in it type moods. Today is the day I take on the challenge of liking truly bad movies. It’s an exercise I do every few years to try and cleanse the hate out of me. Something I do to appease The Lady and my friends, who don’t really cotton to my constant cinematic negativity. So to prove that I don’t like everything about every movie, I offer: “One Thing I Like, About 40 Movies I Hate”.

Why 40 movies? Because fifty is way too many and 30 is too few for a column that’s a week overdue. Also, just so you know, these films are in no particular order. It’s merely a random placement of a random collection of movies I don’t like.

1. Sideways – See, the thing is, wine tasting IS cool. You head up to Solvang or Santa Ynez, drop like six bucks, they pour you six wines (alcohol content: 14%), and you move on. And then you repeat the process at as many tasting places as you can before passing out on the Hans Christian Anderson statue in the middle of Solvang Park. It’s a great way to spend the day with your friends, because you’re getting drunk, but it’s wine, so it’s more intelligent. A mature sloshing. You would think that all this good fun would contribute to my liking this movie, but it doesn’t. I have no sympathy or empathy for sad bastard movies. And though I think Paul Giamatti is a fantastic actor, the fact remains, he plays a lot of sad bastards. Seriously Paul, have a drink and a smile and buck up. You were nailing Virginia Madsen, you’d think cracking a smile wouldn’t be so difficult.

2. A Knight’s Tale - I barely lasted through this craptasticle tribute to Heath Leger in chain mail. The only reason I survived: the really hot chick blacksmith that builds Heath’s armor. She can weld my sword anytime.

3. Mystic River – IS DAT MY DAUGHTER IN THEY-ER! Hee hee! The film may have been overwrought, pretentious and tremendously silly, but at least I can yell Sean Penn’s famous line whenever I see a clip of the movie.

4. Million Dollar Baby – Morgan Freeman has the most soothing voice in film history. When he starts narrating, you just sit back and enjoy his smooth, dulcet tones (and try to imagine you’re watching The Shawshank Redemption, a far, far better movie than this one could ever dream to be).

5. The Stepford Wives – When you watch a trainwreck of a movie like this you can’t help but think what it must have been like on the set. You got Matthew Broderick, Nicole Kidman, Christopher Walken, Glenn Close and director Frank Oz, which between them is three Oscar winners, a Ferris, a Yoda and Cruise escapee. With all that talent they should have breezed through this fluff with ease. Yet you can see the wheels spinning in each scene. They should have printed “cha-ching” on all the walls, because that was the sub-text floating around. The movie sucks, but sometimes I enjoy knowing that well-treated famous people had a bad work experience. Aw, did the poor little millionaire have a frustrating day making pretend?

6. Just Married – Watching Ashton Kutcher get beaned in the head by a heavy metal plate is good times. Pure, unadulterated good times.

7. Kangaroo Jack – Just like above, watching Jerry O’Connell get his ass kicked by a magical talking kangaroo is great. Take that Sliders boy! Serves you right for making me sit through the aborted fetus that was Tomcats.

8. Soldier – You can’t hate any movie that ends with Kurt Russell fighting to the death with the guy who played Bruce Lee in that Dragon movie.

9. The Village – The only good thing about this movie is the scene on the porch with Joaquin Phoenix and Bryce Howard, when he explains why he will dance at their wedding. It’s nice to see two actors be convincing, sincere, touching and captivating, especially when it comes in the middle of what is ostensibly supposed to be a horror film; if only the rest of the movie had been as well-done. But then, the moronic Shyamalan dues ex machina in the police station pretty much ruined any chance of this being a good movie.

10. Freddy vs. Jason – In any useless, stupid, wasteful, exploitative, disgusting horror movie there’s always one saving grace: boobies. And this film had two good sets of them. Also, it never hurts to see my name in a movie title. If only Jason Priestley made more movies… a cynical humorist can dream. Sigh…

11. The Cat in the Hat – Well, if anything, it’s always nice to see Alec Baldwin getting work. And, um, Dakota Fanning is pretty cool. Um… yeah, geez, this movie is pretty crappy.

12. Crash – Hmmm… it’s almost hypocritical of me to say I liked even one thing from this movie after I so thoroughly bashed it in my post-Oscar rant. But I’m a man of my word, so I will say that I did enjoy Terrence Howard, and that’s it’s always nice to see Brendan Fraser act serious. People forget he’s an extremely capable dramatic actor, but then, Monkeybone, Dudley Do-Right and George of the Jungle will do that to you.

13. Alien vs. Predator – RUN! GET TO DA CHOPPA! Hee! At least the memory of a good Predator movie is still with me. And unfortunately, that memory is still running California. RUN, VOTE, GET TO DA ELECTION!

14. Hollywood Homicide – Who knew Harrison Ford was such a great comedian? Psych! The only redeeming thing about this unfunny, buddy cop movie is seeing Lou Diamond Phillips in drag. To Wong Foo Lou, too wong foo.

15. King Kong – You know when you’re watching a dramatic actor do comedy, and you can see it on their face that they are trying real hard to be funny? And even though it’s not working (because they have absolutely no comic timing, ahem, Sean Penn), you still laugh out of pity and maybe a little sympathy because, well, at least they’re trying to be good. That’s how I feel when I watch Jack Black trying to be serious in King Kong. Every time he puts on his “dramatic” voice I keep waiting for him to whip out a guitar and sing a Tenacious D song, or in the case of his upcoming movie Nacho Libre, to put on a Mexican wrestling mask and do some cartwheels. Nachoooooooo! So, you know, I don’t like the movie, but I like pulling for Jack Black to be a good dramatist. It may never happen, but I’m proud of him nonetheless.

16. Ocean’s 12 – The Vincent Cassel capoeira through the beams scene was pretty tight. Though on the list of greatest alarm beam dance sequences it ranks just under the Eliza Dushka / Ali Larter leather body suit flip in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, and of course, under the champion of all alarm beam dance sequences, the Catherine Zeta-Jones “look at my hot butt move around the yarn” scene in Entrapment. Man, she used to be very smoking. Why on earth would she marry the cryptkeeper? She could have been the most desired single actress in the history of the world. And now? I wouldn’t put her in front of Winona Ryder on the “One-Time Hot Actresses in My Top 5″ List.

17. House of Wax – If you think I am so predictable that my answer for this one would be that I enjoyed watching Paris Hilton getting impaled on a spike, well then… you’d be right. If liking watching Paris Hilton die is predictable, I don’t want to be spontaneous.

18. Bad Santa – One these days I’m gonna write a column about my experiences as an extra, and go on an extended rant about how I hate Lauren Graham for being a hateful bitch who yelled at me in front of the entire cast and crew because the 2nd A.D. told me to walk through her eye line and I follow directions. Like, screw you, lady. You’re not that cute, you’re never going to have a movie career, and you’re never going to win an Emmy. So climb a tall ladder and get over yourself. Gosh! … wait, what was I talking about? Oh, one thing I like about Bad Santa? Yeah, uh, hmm, well I did walk out on it, got my money back and bought Coldstone Creamery ice cream. That pretty much ruled. So I’m gonna go with that.

19. Catwoman – Whenever you get to see a movie that kills its man bad guy by slicing up their face and having it then turn into bloody ash, and that bad guy is renowned psycho-actress Sharon Stone, well then, your movie can’t be all bad.

20. Love Actually – I know I was supposed to like this, what with it being a romantic comedy and it starring a way-hot Keira Knightley. But it was also British, with Hugh Grant dancing, and that never goes down well with me. If anything, I enjoyed Colin Firth trying to woo the Spanish girl and the story of the porn stand-ins who flirted with each other. I’ve always wondered how awkward it must be to shoot a porno movie. Here’s this person you met five minutes ago, and now you’re railing her in front of twenty-five sweaty male crew members. I would bet that’s a little bit awkward. So if you can find love in a situation like that, then maybe you deserve a little love from The Jay. And who am I to refuse?

21. Scooby Doo – It pains me to have to say nice things about this movie. It nearly ruined my love for the cartoon, which means it nearly took a piece of my childhood. And I don’t take kindly to that. But I’m a professional, so I’ll get this done. Matthew Lilliard pulled off Shaggy. Well. There. Moving on…

22. Bringing Down the House – Seeing Eugene Levy’s eyebrows become so successful gives my hairy back hope that one day it too will have top billing in a crappy comedy. My back hair can dream…

23. Bewitched – Another crappy Nicole Kidman remake? Page the Cruiser, someone needs a career boost. I mean any movie that can turn my pure love of Will Ferrell into blind rage may just be the cruelest cinematic joke this side of Ben Affleck and Gigli. However, I did enjoy Jason Schwartzman, Shirley MacLaine and Michael Caine, so that’s something.

24. Van Helsing – Great idea, terrible execution. But I’m man enough to say that Hugh Jackman is a good looking man, and one I’d see in anything, no matter what. After all, the man’s Wolverine. Gotta show him some respect.

25. Stepmom – Umm… yeah, I can’t think of anything. Can I get a mulligan on this one?

26. Hide and Seek – I guessed the ending of this movie in about five minutes, and was ready to bail on it in fewer than ten. So what kept me through the credits? Waiting to see Elisabeth Shue get pushed out a window. It serves her right for inflicting Andrew, that no-talent ass clown of a brother, on all those poor, unsuspecting Melrose Place fans.

27. Pay It Forward – Well, it would be wrong to say I liked seeing Haley Joel Osment get shanked. And it would be in poor taste to say that Kevin Spacey deserved his character’s torment for agreeing to make a film so schmaltzy that honey pours out of the DVD case. So let’s just say that Jay Mohr kick ass, and be done with it.

28. Walk the Line – It’s not so much that I hate Walk the Line, than it is my intense dislike for Reese Witherspoon. So this film doesn’t really belong here. I think Joaquin Phoenix is a tremendous actor, and the music in the film, though not my favorite genre of tunes was very good. But beyond that, screw you Reese Witherspoon.

29. Pearl Harbor – The story of the movie is gripping. The beauty and passion displayed in every glorious frame of film is astounding and breathtaking. NOT! It’s all about watching Josh Hartnett get capped.

30. Big Momma’s House 2 – When did we decide that Martin Lawrence is funny? Please stop going to his movies. Don’t encourage him. And by the way, he stole this movie’s gag from the basketball player Larry Johnson, who he played Grandmama in all those Nike commercials. When I watch this movie, I close my eyes, dream of those commercials and smile.

31. Fat Albert – Even though this travesty of a film collectively ruined the childhoods of half the world, I gotta give it props because my childhood friend Summer was in the trailer. Always cool to see your friends in movie trailers.

32. Blade: Trinity – Ryan Reynolds is funny. And Wesley Snipes is a jerkwad. Watching those two things conflict with each other is unintentional comedy at its best. Also, having a hottie Jessica Biel in your movie never hurts.

33. Magnolia – Three hours of my life I will never get back. Oh, Paul Thomas Anderson, you had me with the porn stars, and you lost me with the raining frogs. But pre-crazy Tom Cruise is a delight to watch as Frank T.J. Mackey. And he did give us the phrase “Respect the cock, tame the pussy!” So I gotta give the movie its props, however small.

34. Freddy Got Fingered – I don’t think even Tom Green could come up with one good thing about his movie. And he married Drew Barrymore, so he’s suffered enough. I’ll go easy on him. I rented this movie, so I only had to pay four dollars. I like that.

35. Problem Child – Gilbert Gottfried may be the spawn of the devil, but Michael Richards is creepily awesome as the sadistic killer that becomes the kid’s pen pal.

36. Lost in Translation – You may think the one thing I like about this movie that I hate would be the opening shot of Scarlett’s butt. You’d be wrong. You may think it would be the pseudo-classic Bill Murray karaoke scene. You’d be wrong there, too. No, the one thing I like is the rumor that the Bill Murray character is actually supposed to be Harrison Ford. That type of unsubstantiated movie gossip is what gets me out of bed in the morning. Well that, and those glorious little Hostess chocolate donettes. I got through 8 a.m. College classes with those babies.

37. Elf – Anytime you can see a midget beat the holy hell out of Will Ferrell, you’ve got comedic gold, if only for a few short minutes.

38. The Perfect Storm – It’s a good cast. I especially like watching Mark Wahlberg drown. It’s called payback for making me sit through the abortion that was the Planet of the Apes remake.

39. Pretty Woman – I like the original ending, where Richard Gere dumps her, and she gets AIDS and dies. Does that make me a bad person? I mean c’mon, it’s a movie about Richard Gere buying a whore. Who found this funny?

40. Be Cool – I was really hoping I could end this piece on a positive note. Drop a compliment on a movie I kind of secretly like, despite its badness. I was hoping I wouldn’t have to end this piece on a vengeful, crappy note. But se la vie said the old folks, it goes to show you never can tell. I hate this movie. I hate everything about it. I am so angry at everyone involved in this disaster that my blood boils just trying to think of something positive to say about Be Cool. And I can’t do it. I’m sorry, I just can’t. There was not one thing I liked about this movie that I hate.

So there it is… I truly am a hater. And you know what, in this case, that’s ok by me.

Bangarang!

P.S. WAIT! I remembered that I did like The Rock dressed as a gay cowboy; made me chuckle a bit. Maybe I’m not a hater after all. Maybe there’s hope for me yet. Nah, probably not; I hate pretty much everything.