The question has always been: what decides the best show on Television? Is it the show with the highest ratings, or the show with the most critical acclaim? Few would argue that some combination of The Sopranos, Deadwood, 24 and Lost are the all-around “best” dramatic shows, with maybe Scrubs, The Office, the now defunct Arrested Development and Desperate Housewives as the “best” comedies. But of those eight, which is the king? I would argue that none of them holds the crown.

The best show on television has got to be the one that appeals to and entertains the most number of people. With that logic, there is only one real choice: American Idol.

Idol has been the highest rated show on network television for the last five years (or in other words, since the day the show premiered). It has set ratings records on every night that it has aired, and has helped propel Fox from the network basement to the top of the ratings heap (They jumped from a #4 network to a #2 network, trailing only CSI- I mean, CBS.) Moreover, American Idol affects more people in this country than any other produced piece of entertainment, be it TV or film. The average number of contestant votes for a single episode is more than 35 Million people (in only two hours time). Over the course of the entire season the show will receive more than 400 Million votes. To put that into perspective, on average, 120 Million people vote in the Presidential election. Heck, the bigger debate here could be what’s more important to the people of this nation, voting for President or voting for the next American Idol (Bo Bice for President!).

People live and breathe American Idol. Sure, there are Lost parties and group viewings of Desperate Housewives, but none of that rivals the intensity of Idol fans. My friend Carrie refuses to get a better cell phone because she has the crappy one designed to vote for Idol, and upgrading would mean she couldn’t vote anymore. I know Doctors and nurses who bring TV’s into hospitals in order not to miss watching who gets voted off. I know people who have cell phone bills bigger than rent bills, because they couldn’t stop making sure Scott freakin’ Sabol made it into the Final Five (and you wonder why I am so cynical about entertainment).

No one is immune to this show. Both of my parents watch. My Mom is a new convert, but in only two weeks of her watching the show she already has her favorite Idol and the one she wants to see get kicked off (She likes Ace, so obviously we aren’t on speaking terms right now. Cause I got the McPhee-ver!). Even my friends who hate the show and yell at me for turning to it during the commercials of Lost, they know all the names of the people in the Top 10. It is fair to say that this show has consumed us all.

American Idol is no longer just a television show; it has become a cultural touchstone, a real life event straight out of The Running Man. In much the same way that America was riveted by the first season of Survivor (Go Colleen) and the ungodly awful (but imminently watchable) first season of Joe Millionaire, American Idol has become the watercooler show du jour. In five years, when Teri Hatcher and her housewife cronies have gone the way of the botoxed dung beetle, Ryan Seacrest will still be pleading with us to stay tuned after the break to find out who’s getting voted off. Randy Jackson will still be signing people up for his Dawg Pound, Paula Abdul will still be drunk, medicated, chasing male contestants and botoxed, within an inch of her batshit crazy life. And Simon will still be Simon, creepy flat top and all.

So how is this stupid little talent show so successful? Why is it so beloved?

The answer is simple: deep down we all want to be rock stars. Forget movie stars or athletes or even Presidents, anyone who has ever been to a concert or bought a CD or enjoyed music in any way, shape or form, they all want to be the one holding the microphone. They all want to walk onto that stage with a hundred thousand screaming fans chanting their name, and let out their golden voice to the delight of the world. American Idol, however vicarious, gives people that thrill. And the thrill is attainable because, as the show consistently demonstrates, anybody could be a contestant. There is no requirement for height, weight, age or beauty. Some of the freakiest looking people walking the planet today have been on the show, and gained a huge fan support. (Scott Sabol, the Chicken Little guy from this season, Fantasia, et al). The combination of freak show, talent show and train wreck makes American Idol destination viewing for any true masochistic pop culture lover. It’s the ultimate burning car on the side of the road, the nirvana for rubberneckers.

And it is not humiliating. Every reality show puts their contestants through a degrading, pride-reducing, dignity-stealing obstacle course of some sort, and no one, the show or the contestants, ends up looking or smelling good on the other side. We watch those shows (Fear Factor, The Bachelor, et al) to see people get humiliated, and the people that go on the show know they are being manipulated and look all the more pathetic for towing the line. American Idol has no malevolent force behind it. They are not interesting in making their contestants look bad; in fact it is to their best interest that the Top 12 looks good in the eyes of viewers. They are not trying to abuse these kids, or bleed them dry of humanity or personality. They are simply looking for the person with the best chance of being a successful pop singer. And somewhere between our wanting to be them, and our wanting to tell them to just shut up and get off the stage, lies the reason for the show’s success.

Don’t get me wrong, I know the show is a business, I just admire it for the way it conducts its business. Say what you want about the voting conspiracies, and I have. I like the current myth that the bottom three is chosen at random by the Producers. The one actually getting kicked off is legit, but the other two are arbitrary, and in there to boost the drama. After all, why would you waste the time combing through 35 Million votes to see who placed second? Say what you want about the judges shaky allegiances to bad but popular singers (To the point where Paula sung Chicken Little’s praises, while Simon had to give the kid reverse juju just to get him voted off). And say what you want about the eventual winners (cause like Seacrest says, America did pick ‘em). This is a brilliant production, from the cheesy Ford pimpomercials, to the down home B Roll of idols playing with their families, the Idol producers/writers make better characters out of real people than most television shows do out of fictional ones. After all, what would you rather watch, Katherine McPhee singing or Teri Hatcher pratfalling (Seacrest may be a bit biased on this one)?

To this end, American Idol is much like its own sports league, but with the added bonus that you get to pick a new favorite team every year. And as much as I am a loyal Miami Dolphins fan, I am now equally as loyal to my man Bo Bice (Losing to Carrie Underwood was a good thing, though. His career will be better because of it. Maybe the only time I was happy that my team lost the big game.). Idol breeds loyalty, both good and bad. How else can you explain the inexplicable success of the muppet-like Clay Aiken, or the mop-topped grease ball Justin Guarini? On the other hand, I like that I’m gonna hate some of the contestants. It wouldn’t be as much fun if I couldn’t yell at the screen and hurl obscenities at Constantine. I probably wouldn’t watch the show if it weren’t for all the terrible singers that do so well. You get so engrossed in the impossibility of this no-talent ass clown getting to live their dream on national television (and cashing in as a result of it, ahem Guarini, ahem) that you couldn’t look away if you tried.

And the most brilliant part of it all? The show actually produces talented people out this ridiculous talent show. Bo Bice is stellar, Clay Aiken does have a good voice (and may become the next Barry Manilow, not that we even needed one) and my money is on Carrie Underwood becoming a solid country presence. And best of them all: Kelly Clarkson. Dismissed when she first came out as the lucky winner of a national phenomenon, she has grown to become one of the best pop singers on the market today. I didn’t think much of her when she first came out, but now when I hear her music on the radio I’m singing along like a blonde-haired, gum chewing Valley girl. Since you’ve been gooooone….

American Idol may not receive the type of critical praise that a Lost or a Desperate Housewives gets, but who cares, really? Does any other show bring more people more happiness and satisfaction? Not a chance. So what if it never wins an Emmy, in the course of human events history is written by the winner, and right now (and for the foreseeable future) American Idol is the winner. Make no mistake, American Idol is the best show on television, and you know what, it’s not even close.

Here are my rankings for the current crop of Idol-wannabees, with my prediction for the winner at the end.

1. Katherine McPhee – She has the best voice, appears to have a good head on her shoulders, is gracious in the limelight, and is extremely comfortable on stage. She is pleasant in all the ways you want your pop stars to be pleasant. Too bad she’s gonna lose (Because America is stupid and will probably give it to Ace or some other moron, like Taylor freakin’ Hicks).

2. Chris Daughtry – Call him Bo Bice-lite. I dig the energy, the freaky-ass side burns and the fact that he could care less about being a pop star. He’s probably pushing the hard rock thing just a touch too much, but at least he isn’t singing country music.

3. Mandisa – She’s the Aretha of the group, a great singer with a surprising popularity despite pop music’s pension for making every one into a stick figure. She better hope that her voice and personality can keep her sailing past the Kellie’s and Ace’s that usually get to the finals.

4. Kellie Pickler – She’s dumb as rocks but proud of it. How can you not like a stupid girl that makes no apologies for her lack of intelligence? She’s nowhere near as good as Carrie Underwood, but she is the best eye candy left on the show, which means she’s a shoo-in for the final five.

5. Paris Bennett – Weird, scrunchy face, but a beautiful smile and a top notch pedigree. I’m on the side of Simon regarding her baby doll Beyoncé performance, but I still like her. Probably the best trained singer in the group.

6. Ace – His falsetto is uncomfortable, his hair is kinda creepy and he should have never sung a Train song if he really wanted my vote. But he’s gonna be with us for a while because the girls think he’s cute. Have I mentioned yet how much I hate America for voting for scuzzballs like this?

7. Elliot Yamin – Who let a hobbit onto American Idol?

8. Bucky Covington – I can’t understand a word that is coming out of his mouth. Not that it matters, he’ll be gone in two weeks and I’ll never have to think about him again.

9. Taylor Hicks – Shut! Up! Taylor! Hicks! I don’t like your graying Steve Martin-wannabe 29 year-old hair, I don’t like your cheesy dancing or your Joe Cocker-wannabe act and I don’t like your voice. You’re barely getting by on charisma alone, and trust me, it won’t be enough. Sooner or later you’re gonna have to calm down with all your OCD mannerism crap and just give it to us straight. And if you think I’m wrong, well then I got two words for you: Constantine Maroulis.

My Prediction for the Next American Idol: Katherine McPhee

I got a McPhee-ver and the only prescription is….

Bangarang!