Ah, the summer movie season… a time for giant big head posters, eight character poster sets and every once in a while, an iconic image or two. My love for movie posters is well documented (HERE, HEREAND HERE), and that love ramps up to 11 come summer time. This is the one time of year when marketing is the main agenda of Hollywood. It doesn’t matter if the movie sucks, just get the people into the theater. And the only way to do that is with a slick trailer and an eye-catching poster. Drive down any street right now and you’ll probably be flooded with movie posters, promoting Da Vinci Code or MI:3, or maybe a few smaller films like Hoot and Over the Hedge. Get used to the flood, because it’s not going away. Over the course of the next three and a half months over 75 major movies will be released, and all will be vying for your attention and your money.

The major blockbusters of the season rarely get the best looking posters because you’re gonna go the movie regardless of what Tom Hanks’ ugly hair looks like. Movies likes Superman, X-Men 3, Pirates of the Caribbean, Da Vinci Code and MI:3 sell because they are a brand, they have big money behind them and they all have kick ass trailers. So with the top five films of the summer taken care of, how do you rank the bottom 70? I say judge by the quality of the poster. You can tell how good a studio thinks their movie is by the quality of the poster. Crappy films get ugly big head posters, good movies get an average looking one sheet, and great films have a unique look that makes you automatically think “cool”.

So for this poster review I’m going to ignore the blockbusters and focus on the summer movie B-Team in an attempt to find which smaller films will be the hidden gems of the summer. I picked 14 midrange summer films and graded their potential worthiness based on the awesomeness (or lack there of it) of their poster. Let’s see how they did…

Talladega Nights

I have this theory that you can tell how much Will Ferrell likes the movie he’s in based on how funny his facial expression on the poster is. Check out the Anchorman poster, with that smug smirk sitting behind his glorious mustache, he knows his movie kicks ass (It’s also a look that says: “I wanna say something. I’m gonna put it out there; if you like it, you can take it, if you don’t, send it right back. I want to be on you.”). Now check out the Bewitched poster, he looks constipated. And he knows how shrewish Nicole was on set, and frankly, he looks mortified about the whole affair; like he’s thinking about calling Lorne Michaels and begging for his old job back. And now Talladega Nights. That’s a look that says: “I play a guy named Ricky Bobby. You know that’s funny. And I’m playing an idiot, and I’m the best in the business and playing dumb. Even Chris Klein doesn’t have me beat. John C. Reilly’s my co-star, oh yeah. You like that? Well guess what else, I love wonder bread. Time to smile.‿ Suffice it to say, that look speaks the truth.

Grade: B+

My Super Ex Girlfriend

Is it me, or does Uma Thurman look beat? Like she’s been packed hard and laid down wet. Like at one time she was this fresh faced ingénue with miles of potential and stunning ethereal beauty, but then she shacked up with Ethan Hawke and got in bed with Quentin Tarantino and now she’s kinda regretting all those long nights on the set of Kill Bill watching bad kung fu movies for inspiration? I usually dig her something fierce, but I don’t know, something’s just not right here. And if there’s one gimmick I hate about movie posters it’s that awful Photoshop trick where you have two completely separate elements and try to make it look like you shot the picture with them both in it. At no time does this poster look real. And for the sake of space, we’ll just ignore for now how unappealing Luke Wilson looks. But I will say this, when the tag line on your poster reads “He broke her heart. She broke his everything.”, you might want to consider making Luke look a little more put out. Because that’s the cleanest I’ve ever seen him look. What did Uma do? Make him sit through Prime?

Grade: C-

Pulse

A sweet, sweet poster. Now this is a gimmick I can get behind. I know they probably did the whole thing in Photoshop, and that probably isn’t even star Kristen Bell in the shot there, but damn, I don’t even want to think about what that cover shoot was like. Hands lying everywhere, some poor Central Casting photo double lying under a bunch of dudes who are bored, pissed off and hot under the lights. I’m thinking they got a little gropey and mean. If this whole affair doesn’t creep you out, I don’t know what will. A perfect horror movie poster. I can’t wait to let The Lady go see this without me.

Grade: A

The Omen

Don’t you get the feeling like they’re trying too hard with this one? Isn’t a creepy kid enough for The Omen (a movie about a creepy kid)? Do we really need all the fog and the weird, spooky forest and the creaky swing and the evil dog? It’s a bit of an overkill. Like, I GET IT, the movie is scary. So what? All I get from this poster is another reason to not want kids for a long, long time. Basically, The Omen poster is a perfect advertisement for birth control. Which, now that I think about it, makes it not have bad.

Grade: D (But a solid “B” if it buys me some time from The Lady)

The Lake House

Alright, let’s just get this out of the way. I’m seeing this movie no matter what the poster, trailer and reviews are like. If you put Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves in a movie together, I will go. I don’t care if they’re remaking Casablanca and Keanu is pulling a Bogey, I’ll be there. I don’t care if they’re remaking Speed, but this time Keanu is the plucky bus driver and Sandra is the gung ho SWAT guy, they got my money. Now, that being said, what the hell is happening here? The Lake House is the only romantic drama of the summer; it has the whole season to itself. If they can manage not to trip over themselves, the movie will gross $80 Million without blinking. But this is a step in the wrong direction. Why put Keanu in black and white? He looks a corpse posing at a bad angle. And this may just be me, but if you call your movie The Lake House, you might want to consider putting a lake house on the poster. Or maybe a speeding bus, just for old times sake. Just a thought.

Grade: C

Just My Luck

From one “boy meets girl” gimmick movie to another, this time with even more disastrous results. How could any art director ever approve this poster? I wouldn’t wish this poster on my least favorite Police Academy sequel. Lohan looks like a rat, the guy is non one I care about and it tells me nothing of what the movie is about. Also, Lohan tried the winking thing on a poster before and it didn’t work all that well then, so why bring it back now? This is exactly what I was talking about when I said that studios show their level of commitment to a movie by the quality of the poster they give it. I think it’s safe to say that Fox hates Just My Luck. And you will too (Trust me, I’ve seen it already.)

Grade: D

The Devil Wears Prada

An average poster, with a mildly interesting concept, but it seems way too much like a teaser poster. I would bet the final official poster is a traditional “big head” poster of a doe-eyed Anne Hathaway and en evil looking Meryl Streep. This one does tell you what you need to know about the movie, though it fails to spark any interest in me. If they really want to cross over and get the men, all they really have to do is put Anne Hathaway front and center, and in something revealing. We’ve seen the girls twice in the last year and we’re still hungry for more. You want guys to come see a movie about Meryl Streep and the fashion world? Then compromise and show us the little Anne’s.

Grade: C

Nacho Libre

NACHOOOOOOOOOO! How could anyone night like this poster? If seeing a pudgy Jack Black in spandex tights, a cape, a curly white guy fro and a cheesy mustache doesn’t make you at least smile, then you have absolutely no sense of humor whatsoever. Black is another actor who tends to have great posters for his good movies and terrible posters for his crappy movies. Based on the evidence here, I’d say we have a hit on our hands. And maybe even a potential nominee for poster of the year.

Grade: A+

Click

Boring. That’s the best way to describe it. It looks like bad DVD cover art. I know that Adam Sandler doesn’t need a good poster to sell his movies (Lord knows he’s had some bad ones in the past: HERE, HERE and HERE), but couldn’t he at least try. That Anger Management poster with him and Jack screaming at each other was brilliant and probably gave the film a $5 million dollar boost in box office. But here, I got nothing to like. And besides, one of the cardinal rules in movie posters is never to center a gimmick on us having to read anything, especially if it’s written in small print. I know this movie is about a magical remote control, but I don’t need to read the buttons to get the point. Couldn’t they have come up with something better? You’re telling me that you have a movie about a remote that can control your life, co-starring hottie Kate Beckinsale and the ever-awesome Christopher Walken and your best poster idea was a giant mug shot of Adam Sandler? To quote Sandler from back in his SNL days: “Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one?”

Grade: D

Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift

I guess I should appreciate that the poster seems more like an international one sheet and less like a boring domestic one. And I get that they need to play up the hot cars and play down the fact that the stars of the franchise keep refusing to come back. But as a whole, I’m a bit underwhelmed. The first two flicks grossed more than $300 Million domestic, so why is Universal so scared of this one? Don’t they get that the cars sell the movie and not Paul Walker? They could put Gilbert Gottfried behind one of those cars and still have a $20 Million opening weekend. I’m going to assume this is also just a teaser and wait to see what else they come up with, because this is not the right way to go.

Grade: B-

World Trade Center

This one’s tough, because on the one hand putting the towers in any form of advertisement is just a reminder that they aren’t there anymore. But on the other hand, it really is a breathtaking image. The sky is gorgeous, the towers are given the right amount of respect and the two cops walking between them is a wonderful, ominous image. I like this poster, though I don’t know yet where I stand on the movie itself. But I will say this, I’m glad the posters have been good for the two 9/11 movies. The United 93 poster, with the plane flying through the crown of the statue of liberty is both inspired and symbolic. I get the feeling that neither one of the 9/11 movies are cheap or exploitative. The posters have been respectful, restrained and hauntingly beautiful. Let’s hope the movies follow suit. But then again, World Trade Center is an Oliver Stone movie starring Nic Cage, so I wouldn’t really count on it.

Grade: A

Ant Bully

What is this? A movie for ants? (Sorry, bad Zoolander joke.)

This is a great poster because the concept is utterly ludicrous. You can’t smush an ant (trust me, I was a little boy once, I’ve tried). They move to darn fast to catch them, and if you do try and bust a squish they just side step you and start climbing up your hand. So now you’re trying to shake it off, but ants have arms like glue so they hold on and now you’re in public and flailing around like an idiot because you were dumb enough to try and stomp an ant. Ants are evil. Always making me look like a fool. Oh, I’ll get them all. One little bugger at a time.

Grade: B+

Cars

If there’s one thing you can always count on in Hollywood, it’s that Pixar will put out a good movie. You may not always like the concept. You may not always be wowed by the trailers. But the movie will always be good. At least, that’s what I keep telling myself every time I look at this poster. It’s not that it isn’t cool, because it is. It’s just, well, it’s about cars. Cars aren’t cute like fish, and they don’t make you feel like a kid again like toys and they’re not as foreign and interesting as bugs and they’re not as special as superheroes. They’re hard to get behind, is what I’m saying. I trust the Pixar gang to give me a good time, but I’m weary. And despite how intricate this poster is, I don’t fully support the cluster approach. Whenever a movie isn’t sure of it’s merits, it clutters it’s poster with everything it can think of, as if a shock and awe campaign would sway to you come see it (Or sway you to ignore that truly awful teaser trailer they put out last year). Like I said, I trust Pixar more than any other group in the business; but I have my doubts, about the movie and about this poster.

Grade: C+

The Break Up

Now this is how you do a romantic comedy movie poster. There are so many levels working here, and all of them are good. The tape down the center, dividing the room in two is a classic bad roommate hook. Anyone who ever hated their roommate or a sibling they shared a room with can relate to that. You have Jennifer Aniston looking tousled and cute (extending her streak of looking good on movie posters), and rocking that annoyed look, one I’m sure she gave Brad quite a bit of while he was shooting Mr. and Mrs. Smith. And you have Vince Vaughn, normally so gregarious and confident, hiding under the pillows. You know they’re getting together in the end, but this poster makes you want to see how they do it. One simple movie poster makes you temporarily forget that Aniston just won’t go away with her personal life, and makes you actually want to see her onscreen. If that isn’t the very definition of a good one sheet, than I don’t know what is.

Grade: A

Overall, a fine crop of B-team movie posters. I get the feeling that no matter how the big guns end up this summer, that there at least a handful of smaller films that everyone can get behind. And if this crop of quality movie posters is any indication, we’re in for a great year of movie art. I can’t wait to see Hollywood top this in the fall.

Bangarang!

filmposters.com has a wide selection of movie posters ranging from the classics to the new releases.  Their vintage posters selection is particularly thorough.  Besides film posters, they also have lobby cards from old movies.  So next time you need a poster check out filmposters.com for all your classic movie poster and new movie poster needs

With the summer movie season fast approaching TheJay.com will be going into blockbuster movie critique mode for a while. But before I do, I wanted to touch base in the world of television. May sweeps are just around the corner; the TV playoffs, where each show makes the final push for ratings gold. It’s also the time when networks begin announcing which shows will get renewed, and which get the axe. Right now there are slightly more than twenty shows that are on the bubble; they could go either way, depending on what type of mood Jeff Zucker or Les Moonves is in. I want to examine those bubble shows and decide whether or not they are worthy. After all, the networks don’t choose which shows to bring back, the viewers do. So let’s dive right in…

The Case Against: 25 Shows on the Bubble (in alphabetical order):

American Dad

I know FOX likes their animation domination block so much, but American Dad is not worthy enough to follow in the tradition of The Simpsons, Family Guy and King of the Hill. The jokes are more derivative than Family Guy, but not nearly as funny. And moreover, why do we need this when we have the far superior Family Guy? Dump it, and bring back Futurama.

Verdict: BIG FAT CANCEL

Arrested Development

This is just frustrating. Showtime was ready to do the deal and then creator Mitch Hurwitz says no and cancels the show. I don’t understand. You create what is widely considered the best show on television, you generate a rapid, ultra-loyal fanbase and then just when the show was going to get the home it needed to be a sensation, you pull the plug. Why? Why walk away from greatness? There better be something more to this than money. Hurwitz better have a good reason, or the next time he develops a TV show none of his Arrested fans will watch.

Verdict: SOMEBODY CONVINCE HURWITZ TO LET SHOWTIME HAVE IT!

Commander in Chief

At some point you just have to shoot the dying horse. You can’t keep watching it twitch on the ground, helplessly clinging to a life it can’t lead. Commander has already lost two show runners, most of its writing staff and the majority of it’s audience. It was a good concept, but with bad execution and even worse show management. ABC, please, cut your losses, cancel the show and give the timeslot to a worthy pilot.

Verdict: CANCEL (and merciful death)

Courting Alex

CBS took this off the air after only a few airings, but have not yet dropped the official axe. Jenna Elfman is a mediocre comedienne at best, but makes a fine TV actor for people who like their sitcoms stale, predictable and safe as a Mormon girl on prom night. The Eye tends to stick with safe sitcoms, as evidenced by their awkward faith in that horrible new Elaine Benes show, and the unbelievable six-year run of The King of Queens. I say give it the boot and give the time to another CSI show. Maybe this one gets set in, like, Wisconsin, and headlined by Jeff Daniels or Dylan McDermott.

Verdict: CANCEL

Everwood

This is the only real unfortunate casualty of the WB / UPN merger. Everwood is a good, wholesome drama that appeals to the family demographic that the WB was able to pull in by pairing it with the departing 7th Heaven. Unfortunately, The CW is pushing for a teen and urban demographic and has no desire to push the fam angle. The show’s only hope is to nail the finale, pray for a ratings bump and hope Treat Williams has enough goodwill to last through the launch of the new network. Although I doubt it, after all, he was in Deep Rising.

Verdict: CANCEL

E-Ring

Why keep this troubled show when The Unit is so much better and has a network that actually supports it. NBC beat the hell out of E-Ring, continually moving the timeslot, giving it a short-shrift marketing push and allowing the producers to call the show E-Ring (Just an awful title. Even something as stupid as Pentagon Wars would have been better). This was a botched operation from the beginning; a major blunder by NBC who needs to keep Benjamin Bratt in their stable. He will crush a TV series eventually, so you gotta keep him around until he finds his House or Medium. Also, don’t cast Dennis Hopper unless you’re going to let him be a villain. Any other role and you’re just kidding yourself.

Verdict: CANCEL

Four Kings

I like this show. Having Seth Green on my television is always a treat and it was cool to see a “guys” show that let their characters be real “guys”. Yes the three-camera sitcom is a dying art, but Four Kings could have been a last gasp of greatness. NBC used to make their money with the three-camera, so it’s sad to see them abandoning it just because My Name is Earl is popular right now. They better develop something better or the premature axe for this show will seem doubly stupid.

Verdict: RENEW

Freddie

Heck if I don’t want to see this show get renewed. Everything in me says not to endorse Freddie Prinze Jr., and yet I like this show. Brian Austin Green rules all and you know I support my 90210 alumni. Freddie works for me because the five minutes I catch while waiting for Lost to start are always filled with two things: a consistent hearty laugh and good times remembering Brian back when he was deflowering Donna Martin. And that’s always good times.

Verdict: RENEW

Free Ride

Never watched it, don’t care about it. I could go either way. But since they have a similar themed sitcom on the air that I do watch (see below), my feeling is to get rid of this one, stop splitting their audience base and throw all the support onto the more promising The Loop.

Verdict: CANCEL

Gilmore Girls

With creator Amy Palladino leaving it doesn’t seem that smart to bring the show back. Like Sorkin leaving The West Wing, Palladino was the heart of the writing staff, creating the language of the show and the voice of the characters. Her departure will mark a period of confusion, exasperated by the move to a new network and the likely understanding that the show will have one farewell season left. So what’s better, having your farewell season tempered by the needs of a network launch, or to go off the air in style, going down with The WB ship, so to speak? If it were me, I’d go out in a blaze of glory.

Verdict: CANCELLATION BY CHOICE

How I Met Your Mother

The buzz is strong on renewal for this one, and frankly CBS would be stupid not to bring it back. It’s the only Monday night sitcom that appeals to people under 30, with the bonus attraction of the show starring both Doogie Howser M.D. and Willow, the nerdy / lesbian / computer whiz / evil supreme witch from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. The show has great potential, a solid cast and consistent laughs. Bring it back and let Doogie loose. The Doogie will not disappoint.

Verdict: RENEW

Invasion

Boring. That’s the problem with this show. I watched the pilot, was not wowed and decided to check out. But now the plot has become so impenetrable that new viewers have to actively campaign for story information. It’s too insular, not dynamic enough and the only reason the show is still around is because Lost is its lead-in. Put on any other night and this show falls faster than Lohan after Mean Girls.

Verdict: CANCEL

The Loop

I don’t know why I like it, but I do. Maybe it’s because the Supertroopers team has their fingerprints all over it. Maybe it’s because Eric Christian Olsen is funny as hell. Maybe it’s because the girls on the show are crazy hot. Or maybe it’s because the show is just flat out funny. This could be the next Scrubs, if only FOX would give it the chance. I got a feeling a cancellation is imminent; after all, this is the same network that canceled the superb Undeclared and the even more superb Parker Lewis Can’t Lose. I say give it one more season to grow and then make a decision. What else does FOX have to put on? They already canceled Arrested Development.

Verdict: RENEW

Love Monkey

The forecast is grim for this Tom-Cavanaugh music dramedy. I think it’s a shame that Jason Priestley is getting canceled twice in two years (this and Tru Calling). I need regular doses of the man who would be Brandon Walsh, or the cheesy drama show lover in me might die. He’s all I have left, and Tori’s antics aren’t making things any better. I only got to see the show a few times (Mostly when I was on the treadmill at the gym. TV is hard to watch on mute. Closed captioning is sorely lacking in comedic timing.), but what I saw I liked. Tom is a worthy TV actor who deserves a good vehicle. The occasional Scrubs guest spot is not enough (especially if Scrubs gets yanked due to Zach Braff’s burgeoning film career). I say bring it back for one last chance, but give the show a time slot it may have a chance to win.

Verdict: RENEW (On the condition of only a 5 episode trial run in a good timeslot.)

Malcolm in the Middle

The show is going off the air, the decision has been made, I just wanted to say my goodbyes to the show. Malcolm ushered in the age of the one camera sitcom, paving the way for the success of Scrubs, My Name is Earl and The Office. I will always be grateful to the show, no matter how infrequent I watched it. Congratulations on a great run.

Verdict: ETERNAL LIFE IN RERUNS

The O.C.

I tried to watch this show a couple weeks ago and not even the awesomeness of Rachel Bilson could keep me interested. No show in recent history has fallen as far creatively as The O.C. I was a rabid fan of the first season and a good chunk of the second season, but now I don’t even recognize it. Ben McKenzie is the most unbelievable high school student since Steve Sanders enrolled in West Beverly High. Adam Brody has become his own self parody. Don’t even get me started on the travesty that is Mischa Barton. And Bilson is headed for big screen stardom, and as such, does not deserve to have her time wasted on the likes of this. I know the show still has their fans, but the best thing executive producer Josh Schwartz can do is not continue to destroy the legacy of the first season and just kill his baby now. It was fun while it lasted, but now it’s just sad.

Verdict: WELCOME TO CANCELLATION, BITCH!

Out of Practice

This is the ultimate CBS sitcom: the cast is somewhat appealing in a plain vanilla way, the writing is only mildly edgy (just enough to keep the median age above 50), and whenever you watch it, you find yourself inexplicably laughing out loud at least once an episode. Plus, any show that gainfully employs Jennifer Tilly can’t be all bad. Let The Fonz and The First Lady have their day in the sun.

Verdict: RENEW

Pepper Dennis

On paper, casting Rebecca Romijn-Stamos-O’Connell and Brooke Burns as sisters is a good idea. On screen, it just looks odd. The producers did realize that Rebecca is a toehead and Brooke is latin, right? Well, if only that were the least of the show’s problems. I watched two minutes and turned it off. I wasn’t the only one. A huge marketing push for this turkey of a show makes me feel like the WB was cutting its losses and clearing its docket for the CW launch.

Verdict: CANCEL

Scrubs

Word has been that Scrubs was going off the air not because Zach had gotten bigger than his TV bridges, but because their deal with NBC was coming to an end and the network has been notoriously fickle about the most excellent comedy. But ABC is apparently coming to the rescue, offering to pick the show up for multiple years and promising to give the show the type of support it has earned over the last five years. And all that is nice and dandy, assuming Zach decides to come back. I think they only have him for one more season before the features finally take hold of him (he has two films due out by the end of the year), so they should cash in while the ante is so low. But whatever they do, they better fix the writing, which has gotten thin and shallow this season. The goofy dream sequences have gotten old, and as much as I love John C. McGinley, I’ve been tuning out his Dr. Cox rants since season three. They got me for one more year, so they better make it good.

Verdict: RENEW (On ABC, with an improved writing staff)

Sons & Daughters

Never seen an episode, but I support it nonetheless. Primetime needs to have an improv show somewhere on the schedule, and producers should rally to support all the fantastic comedians on the show. There’s nothing else like this on television, so canceling it and replacing it with a repeat of Extreme Makeover or some other gratuitous reality show is akin to admitting that ABC wants nothing to do with comedy, and gives it’s support only to mediocre dramas that pull in great publicity because its stars are figurative whores (ahem, Desperate Housewives).

Verdict: RENEW

Stacked

It just never seemed right setting a Pamela Anderson sitcom in a bookstore. Yeah, it’s campy and all, but really, even at 40, wouldn’t you rather see her running down a beach in slow motion? The girl’s gone to seed, but she’s still Pamela Anderson for god sakes! Even a Pam at 7 is still like a 9.2 on regular girl’s terms. Also, she can’t act, so asking her to deliver jokes seems like an exercise in futility.

Verdict: CANCEL

Supernatural

This show is not going anywhere, trust me. It’s a perfect show for The CW’s demographic, it stars two attractive, popular leads and it’s the only sci-fi show on television. Sure it’s a little amateurish, but then again, so was The X-Files in it’s first season. I’m not saying Supernatural is even a bump on the road to The X-Files, but it’s definitely got promise.

Verdict: RENEW

The Unit

David Mamet writing, Pedro Cerrano starring and a timeslot to beat the band… this is how you launch a new drama. The cast rocks, the action is first rate (for TV) and it’s a breath of fresh air from all the boring procedural shows that have infected primetime lately. Also, I feel bad for Scott Foley. He lost Jennifer Garner to Michael Vartan, then Felicity ended, his own sitcom was canceled, Scrubs wrote his character off and the movies scripts aren’t getting sent his way. He deserves a break and I’m inclined to give him one.

Verdict: RENEW

The West Wing

This one isn’t real because NBC already decided not to bring the show back, but I wanted to drop some knowledge on it nonetheless. Bringing back Rob Lowe was a bit underwhelming, yet at the same time evoked memories of the glory days of seasons one and two. I’m intrigued by what the show would become if it followed the Santos administration, and have a feeling the show would probably return to its roots and focus on the staff instead of on the President and global affairs. Like I said, this is all meaningless, but I started watching the show again a few weeks ago after a two season lay-off and I’m all bummed that my formerly favorite show is going off the air. Deep down I’d like to see the show continue in any form, just to know that it was still there. Kinda like not wanting your ex’s to ever get married, just so you can know the door hasn’t closed, regardless if you ever want to open the door again or not. My only consolation is that Bradley Whitford just signed on to do Sorkin’s new show, so I know I’ll be taken care of in the fall. The Wing may be coming to an end, but the era of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip has just begun.

Verdict: KEEP AIRING THE RERUNS

What About Brian

This show is like a master class in how NOT to launch a drama at the end of a bad TV season. The cast is uniformly bland, led by the super-bland Barry Watson (who has Helen Hunt head going on). The plot is trite, cliché and wholly unoriginal, but moreover, it was boring. I’ll forgive a show that it trite and clichéd as long as it’s fun to watch (Heck, I do own the first season of The O.C.), but What About Brian has nothing to keep me coming back. Not even good TV-style nudity. Which is the ultimate save for a bad show. You show me the backside of a hot TV actress and you got my TiVo time for at least four episodes.

Verdict: CANCEL

Bangarang!

We here at TheJay.com (and by we I mean “me“) would like to extend our deepest congratulations to Suri Cruise, the newest member of the Church of Scientology. May her rise of the levels of Thetan be quick and clean, and long may she wave her Xenuian flag, proud to be free of prescription narcotics, psychiatry, dyslexia, bulimia, athlete’s foot, genital warts, Icee-induced brain freeze and all the other things that the Church claims their religion can cure. L Ron would sure be proud to know that his teachings have helped to inspire a generation of celebrities to donate ten percent of their gross yearly income in order to learn a new way of life that is violently opposed to the natural order. And that those same celebrities have rallied around one celebrity icon, leading the charge for societal acceptance. And that his efforts have resulted in the first celebrity baby Scientologist. Yes, there’s nothing better than forced religion, especially a weird one. No doubt the other kids in the playground will have little ammunition to pick on Suri with, what with her uber-famous father, her uber-zombie mother, her family’s vast fortune, general public ridicule, the expectations of an entire religion, and finally, her not-at-all freaky first name.

Oh yeah, and congratulations to the Mom and Dad, Mr. and Mrs. Batshit Crazy Tom Cruise. They must be so proud to have brought their hoax / beard / religious icon / robot / pod baby into this world. I’m sure they will make fine parents some day. Or at least hire a competent Scientologist nanny. Cigars for everyone! But don’t get addicted to nicotine. The Church doesn’t have a cure yet for the sweet, deathly weed.

It’s ironic (in that Alanis Morissette kinda way) that a devout Scientologist and a formerly devote Catholic would name their baby after a Hebrew word. I guess it’s anything you can do to get back in the good graces of Papa Spielberg, eh Cruise?

But don’t listen to me, I’m quite cynical (No, it’s true. But thanks for coming to my defense.). I have compiled a group of congratulations comments from friends and acquaintances of the Cruise family. Take a read on what some of Hollywood’s most famous people are saying about the baby of the year (At least until Brangelina pops out their Namibian freakshow golden baby, sometime in mid-June.).

John Travolta: Tommy, from one Level Three Thetan to another, congratulations. He will make a fine Xenuian descendant of L. Ron. Wanna make out?

Renee Zellweger: Whatever you do Katie, just make sure the lawyers put a Fraud clause in the pre-nup. Trust me on this one.

Brad Pitt: Seriously, Tom, how do you get Katie to stay so quiet? I can’t get Angie to shut her trap for five minutes; always going on and on about starving Africans and poor Cambodian mine fields. I don’t care. I’m from Missouri, Tom! The most I want to say to a girl is “Where’s my bud?” And now we’re having the kid, who to be honest may not even be mine, in some country called Namibia. I don’t even know where that is. Where am I? Can’t I just go home? Is this really my punishment for leaving Jennifer. She wasn’t even that great to begin with. Always had this slight stench of… Ross on her. Help me Tom, you’re my only hope.

Josh Hartnett: Katie, I’ll admit, when you left me for Tom without so much as a Blackberry text, I was pretty bummed. But now, the way I see it, you have at best traded sideways. Where as I, most definitely traded, UP. So, you know, no hard feelings.

Nicole Kidman: I guess my lawyer is just better than yours, Katie. We adopted. Best of luck with your new, small baby. And I do mean small. Troll spawn don’t often reach the heights of giants. Or even of normal people.

Chris Klein: Yeah, I know, I’m a jerk and a world-class, world-renowned sleazeball. But at least when I was dating Katie I let her say more than two words at a time AND let her get naked on-screen. So the way I see it, I’m probably square with the big guy up stairs. And with most of the fifteen year-olds who saw The Gift not knowing Katie was gonna unleash the wonder twins. Booyah, I tapped that hard, good and great. I rule.

Steven Spielberg: Congratulations, Tom. A baby is a wonderful thing to bring into the world. I would know, Kate and I have adopted seventeen of them. You know, I also like to consider my films to be my babies. Which I think makes it so hard to deal with the fact that you gave our War of the Worlds the equivalent of the black death. It may not last a decade in the minds of the audiences. So thanks Tom, for killing our baby. Hopefully you won’t do the same to yours. Now if you’ll excuse me, the Master must tend to his new reality show. Coming this fall on FOX!

Scarlet Johansson: Poor Katie. I am so glad that isn’t me.

Jessica Alba: You’re telling me!

Cuba Gooding Jr.: SHOW ME THE BABY! Sorry Tom, thought it might convince you to do Jerry Maguire 2. I really need the work. Nobody’s returning my calls. And they gave my Snow Dogs sequel to that cracker from the car-racing movie. Maybe I can pawn my Oscar. Nah, it hasn’t been worth anything since I made Chill Factor.

Michelle Williams: I wish I had done more on the Creek, Katie. I know we had our differences, what with you being more famous than me at the time, but if I had known what you would be going though now, I would have done things differently. We’re mothers now. Well, I mean, I’m a mother. You’re more of a surrogate to a Miracle Baby, but the point remains the same. Girls who used to work together, who also gave birth to the babies of pampered, slightly loopy actors must stick together. It’s all we have. Me, you and that little Asian girl Nicolas Cage bought in The Valley.

Britney Spears: Wow, ya’ll! Suri, that’s a cute name. I didn’t know you had an Indian baby. That’s so cool, Tom. If I could have chosen, I would have had a black baby, but Kevin and I don’t know how to do that. Kids are hard, ya’ll. There always falling off things when you’re not looking, and trying to drive your car without a car seat or seat belt. Kids are out of control. The real problem is the parents. So you be good to your little Indian girl. Ya hear?

Jack Nicholson: You want well wishes? You want well wishes? YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE WELL WISHES! Son, we live in a world that has real religions. And those religions need to be guarded. Guarded against scientologists. Whose gonna do it? You Tom? You, zombie girl with the rack? I didn’t think so. I’d rather you just said I’m sorry, and went on your way. Best to Paula Wagner and the kids. Love Jack.

Val Kilmer: You can be my son’s play date anytime.

Jamie Foxx: HEEEEY!! HOOOO!!! You made it do what it do. HEEEYYY!! HOOOO!!! Here’s a gift for little baby. My CD, Unpredictable, in stores now. Love you, Big Cruisey. Holla atcha boy!

Brooke Shields: Born on the same day, huh? Man Tom, you are just so good at publicity. Stealing the spotlight of the birth of MY baby by having your own? What did you do? When you heard I was giving birth did you start stepping on Katie’s stomach? Did you inject her with some mutant Scientology not-drug that pushes the kid out faster, cures her of heroine and depression and cleanses her of dyslexia? Because I know you can do that.

Sean Penn: IS THAT YOUR BABY IN THERE? IS THAT YOUR BABY IN THERE? No seriously, in the crib, is that your baby in there? She’s cute. Good job, Tom.

Penelope Cruz: Garble, garble. Unintelligible accent, garble, Matthew’s abs are better, garble, Spanish curse word, control freak, deadly Spanish curse word, garble, garble. Como se dice? Congratulations Tommy. I’m glad it wasn’t me.

Stanley Kubrick: Don’t look at me, I’m dead. I make fifteen classic movies, and our goddamn sex movie gave me a heart attack. It took two years and a real live, honest-to-god sex doctor to make you believable having sex with your OWN wife, who I might add, was Nicole freakin Kidman. So, pardon me if I roll around in my grave a bit at the thought you knocked up that poor little girl within days of meeting her.

Sean Preston Spears: Stick with me, Suri. I know a great therapist. Been seeing him since I was born. We’ll keep it a secret from your pops.

Julia Roberts: Congratulations, Tom. You know it’s funny. I distinctly remember doing this movie where a rich guy paid my character a large sum of money to pretend I was his girlfriend, and to disguise who I really was. But we never had a baby together. I guess this is the sequel, huh? Hope she settled for more than I did. Inflation’s gone up since 1991.

L.Ron Hubbard: Tom, Katherine, Little Baby Zort, I mean Suri, warmest wishes from your beyond the grave Thetan leader. Now I have a bedtime story for little Suri. Many, many years ago there was a writer named Herman Melville, who wrote a book called Moby Dick. When the book was released it was a huge success, a bestseller for its age. Some time after the release of the book Oxford University invited Melville to speak at a roundtable discussion of the themes and elements of his book. The discussion was led by a slew of the finest minds in all of England. They instantly began peppering the writer with in-depth questions about the philosophical and metaphysical elements of Moby Dick. They wanted to know if the journey of Ahab was a meta-reference to the downward spiral of western intelligence. They asked if the color of the whale was a sub-textual representation of the ills of Mother England. And so on. The questions kept coming, and kept getting more deep and complex. After a time Melville raised his hand and silenced the panel. He gave a little smile, looked up and told the geniuses of the world: “Guys, it’s just a book about a guy chasing a whale.”

Congratulations on the newest addition to your family. And remember Tom, sometimes it really is just a book.

Bangarang!

People don’t like to play trivia games with me. I don’t know if it’s my lightning quick reflexes (The answer is Joanie Loves Chachi. Oh, it was your turn? Eh, you didn’t have the answer anyway. My role…). I don’t know if it’s my encyclopedic knowledge of the cast list of every studio film for the last fifteen years (The imdb ain’t got nothing. ON. ME.). Or if it’s my rain man-like ability to remember exceedingly useless movie trivia; for example, did you know that throughout the 80’s Bill Paxton campaigned to replace Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones? Yeah, I know. Useless. (Also hilarious, because could you imagine Bill Paxton as Indiana Jones? The wimp from Aliens taking on the Nazi’s and uncovering the holy grail? How delusional must he be to think that Spielberg would actually fire Harrison Ford and give the most important adventure role in movie history to the guy that couldn’t close the deal with Jamie Lee Curtis in True Lies? It’s useless to you but stuff like that keeps me awake at nights. God bless crazy actors.)

I own Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. It’s to the point where you can’t just give me a random actor to do, I need a condition added to make the challenge worthy of my time. For example, you can’t just say: “Rachel McAdams”, because I’ll blink once and fire back: Rachel was in The Family Stone with Diane Keaton who was in Something’s Gotta Give with Jack who was in A Few Good Men with Kevin Bacon. But saying “Rachel McAdams” but that I have to go through Demi Moore and I can’t use A Few Good Men, now that makes it interesting. (If you really want to know the answer to that one, here it is: Rachel McAdams was in The Family Stone with Luke Wilson who was in Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle with Demi Moore was in Disclosure with Donald Sutherland who was in Animal House with Kevin Bacon, baby! I love this game.)

So basically I’m a movie geek with nobody to play movie geek games with. Sure I get into the sporadic “What If?” scenario or the occasional “Who Wins in a Fight?” debate, Rocky or Rambo (The answer is Rambo, Rocky can punch, but Rambo is a freaking Navy Seal. Though to Rocky’s credit, he did single-handedly end the cold war), but I don’t ever get to really strut myself in competition with friends. What’s the point of being the Michael Jordan of Trivial Pursuit Pop Culture Edition if nobody steps on the court? It’s not like I can retire and take up Monopoly. I don’t have that type of time.

However, there is one game that I do get to play, where my exceedingly Jordanesque movie trivia skills doesn’t preclude other, lesser people from doing well. It’s called “Recasting a Classic”. It’s a subjective game where you get to remake a classic and cast the picture in any way you see fit. And then I tear your choices to shreds.

Here are the official rules of the game:

You are a big time movie director; on top of the world (except not nearly as arrogant or dickish as James Cameron when he won the Oscar for Titanic). Every executive in town is throwing movie offers at you. You are approached about one specific project, and for one reason or another, you cannot turn it down. You are making this movie. You are asked to remake “The Princess Bride”. You can take the film in any direction you want, with any actors you want, so long as none of them have appeared in the original film. Who’s your cast?

It’s a great game because it relies on your knowledge of film history (who’s been in what?), challenges your awareness of today’s acting landscape and best of all, offers an endless debate over who has the best cast. You can’t change the core concept of the movie, Westley still has to become Dread Pirate Roberts, Buttercup still has to shack up with Humperdink, Inigo still has to kill the six fingered man, and this all still has to take place in a fantasy land where a wiry Jewish actor is believable as an expert Latin swordsmen. But the cast you choose can shape your vision. For example, if you were recasting The Godfather, and you pick Chris Evans to play Michael Corleone, we would get a good understanding of the type of fake movie you’d make (A bad one from where I’m standing. The Human Torch from that crappy Fantastic Four movie as the head of the Corleone family? What type of people do I have in my life that would choose a teen heartthrob to play a mob boss?)

I first played the game with Star Wars as the movie in question. You can see my choices HERE, and you can see my boy A-Train’s cast HERE. Yes, I agree, my choices ARE better. The mute guy from A Few Good Men playing Luke Skywalker? How bland can you get? Why not just cast Chris O’Donnell and be done with it? We had a good time with it, arguing the merits of Leonardo DiCaprio taking the reins of Han Solo, approaching fisticuffs over whether or not my choosing a “nobody” to play Luke was a cop out or not (I think not. If Lucas can do it, I can do it. After all, he’s the master at casting the right actor for the right role. Wait… uh yeah, let’s just move on.). Over time we’ve tried out Jaws (Matthew McConaughey as Brody), E.T. (The creepy kid from Birth as Elliot, Wilder Valderrama as the E.T.), and Animal House (Jack Black as John Belushi, natch).

Today’s challenge is The Princess Bride. This is a tough one because the movie is not only beloved, but almost perfectly cast. Every actor was spot on, so it’s hard to imagine anyone else in there place. Each character is so iconic (You don’t do much better than Inigo Montoya and his infamous greeting) that picking the wrong actor might turn off half my readership. So I realized that to do this one right I’d have to go a little wild. I had to stray from picking an obvious choice (Orlando Bloom as Westley) and go in a completely different direction. This way my choices would be valid based on a logical design and it wouldn’t bring to mind comparisons to the original classic. So where to start? Here’s how I decided on my cast…

The movie starts out with a kind, old grandfather coming to read a story to his sick grandson. And that seemed like a perfect place to start the casting. They are the foundation for the entire movie, and the casting will set the tone for my remake. As it turns out, these two characters were easy to recast. There’s only one man perfect enough to narrate the greatest true love story of all time.

The Grandfather – Morgan Freeman

He’s like the perfect grandpa, he’s rich so you know you’re getting an awesome birthday check, he’s cool so you know when your parents drop you off at his house that you’re having a good time. And best of all, when it’s time for bed, he pulls out a book, unleashes those perfect dulcet tones and takes you into a world of pure imagination.

So logically, if Morgan Freeman is the Grandfather, then I can’t just get one of those Culkin kids to play the sick Grandson. I would have to pick an African American.

The Grandson – That Kid From Lost

If Lost isn’t going to use him, then I will. He’s cute enough, has good acting chops (so he could handle Morgan) and when he gets bored he can telepathically summon a polar bear to attack Inigo (And if he did, you just know Morgan would have to pull the best Grandpa line from the movie: “Yes, yes, you’re very smart. Now shut up!).

So here’s where things get tricky. I can’t in good conscience write that Morgan Freeman would read his grandson a story about two white people falling in love. I mean it’s possible, as Morgan has been known to narrate stories about white people before (And he apparently likes doing it). But if he’s trying to convince his sick, spoiled, bratty Xbox playing grandson that he should turn off Call of Duty and listen to a love story, then he should at least be able to relate to the story he’s listening to. Therefore, Wesley and Buttercup have to be black. And if they are black that means Humperdink must be black. Which would make other cast members black as well. I’m going to make my movie color blind, which means that no one even brings up the fact that black people wouldn’t be living in the world of The Princess Bride. I refuse to modernize the story and set it in a city or something stupid like that, so you’ll have to suspend your disbelief. In a world of six-fingered men, albino torturers and rodents of unusual size, it’s not inconceivable that there would be black people in all the major roles of the story.

So I guess I’m making an urban not urban redo of The Princess Bride. Would that mean a title change? Possibly calling it: “Da Princess Bride”? Or would it be “The Princess Brizzle”? I don’t know, I’m very white (and from The Valley); I’m practically clear. I’m so clear (and such a Valley boy) that I should probably not attempt to bring the slang if I can’t back it up with something. We’ll stay with “The Princess Bride” for safety’s sake. Anyway, here’s the rest of my imaginary cast:

Westley – Michael Ealy

Who, you ask? Exactly. The key to most of the lead roles in The Princess Bride is that you had never seen them before. Sure, they may have had some bit parts here and there, but nothing so major that they bring baggage into the movie. Cary Elwes was brilliant in part because we hadn’t yet seen him as the evil race car driver in Days Of Thunder.

(And let me just say, quite a crappy career there, Cary. You star in one classic, then play the bad guy for The Cruiser, show up in one Mel Brooks spoof, a couple of Ashley Judd women-in-peril movies and then nothing. You call it a day? Next thing we know you’re playing some British guy in Saw, and nobody can believe how bad you are in it. And you’re British! People were laughing at you in the theater. What happened? You’re the freakin’ Dread Pirate Roberts. You should be getting better parts than the “other man” to Jim Carrey in Liar Liar. Do a TV show or something. Get yourself one of those CSI shows that are all the rage with onetime successful middle-aged actors. Show some self-respect.)

Michael Ealy is a rising star who you may have seen in those Barbershop movies as the guy who was trying to nail Eve. He’s perfect for the farmboy Wesley because we’ve seen him convincingly play poor before. He did action in that Chris Rock-Anthony Hopkins debacle Bad Company (Who thought pairing Hannibal Lecter and the guy from Pootie Tang would be a good idea?). And he did romance in Their Eyes Were Watching God. And if there’s any doubt that he would be convincing as a romantic lead, let me put you at rest with this: he dated (and very nearly impregnated) a post-Die Another Day Halle Berry.

Halle Berry: Boyfriend, fetch me some water. Michael Ealy: As you wish.

Yeah, he’ll do just fine.

Buttercup – Zoe Saldana

For my money, the hottest young black actress in Hollywood. You can take Gabrielle Union and Nia Long and Joy Bryant, I’ll take the spicy ballet dancer from Center Stage. I know she could pull off the period gowns; and she was very likable and charismatic in The Terminal so I know Humperdink’s kingdom would fall for her. And if she can makes us believe she did anything more than tolerate Ashton Kutcher in Guess Who, then she can most definitely convince Humperdink that she’ll marry him if Wesley doesn’t come for her.

Inigo Montoya – Jesse Bradford

This was the toughest part to cast. Where do I find a sexy, dashing, adventuresome Jewish actor that can also pull off being a Latino swordsman? It’s not like they have a rush of them over at the Temple Bnai Casting Office. If only Mandy Patinkin had any kids who were actors, I’d love to keep this role in the family. But since I can’t, I’m gonna go with the guy from Clockstoppers. He’s Jewish, he played a jock in Swimfan, he played a romantic in Bring It On, and he grew some good facial hair in that awful indie flick Happy Endings. And, did I mention he was in Bring It On? Cause around here that carries a lot of weight. It’s basically, star in Bring It On, get whatever you want and have a pass on any crappy movies you make (unless you’re Kirsten Dunst and then all bets are off).

Favorite Inigo Quote:

Vizzini: HE DIDN’T FALL? INCONCEIVABLE!

Inigo Montoya: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Fezzik – Shaquille O’Neal

He’s as tall as André the Giant. During most off-seasons he weighs as much as André the Giant. He’s familiar with martial arts. And best of all, just like André the Giant, nobody can understand a goddamn word he’s saying.

(Fun bit of trivia courtesy of the imdb: While rehearsing for the film, André the Giant’s thick accent prevented many of his lines from being understood. To remedy this, actor Mandy Patinkin slapped André in the face to get him to concentrate harder.)

Vizzinni – Paul Giamatti

This was the easiest role to re-cast. No offense to the brilliant Wallace Shawn, but who else in Hollywood plays a better short, bald, angry intellectual who’s believably creepy? The Sideways guys pretty much has that niche filled. He’s easily exasperable (I think I just made up that word), so the rhyming scene would be perfectly funny (Anybody want a peanut?). And the battle of wits would be become that much more difficult for Westley. Vizzini now knows not just to never get into a land war in Asia, but he also the perfect wine to go with bread and a battle of wits. He will sniff, swish, reflect, swallow, laugh at Westley and then keel over dead. Westley may have won the battle and gotten the girl, but at least Vizzini wouldn’t have died drinking Merlot. Little victories.

Prince Humperdink – Wayne Brady

Smarm: that’s what you need to be a great Prince Humperdink. Sure, you have to look kingly and like you could be a great hunter. But most of all, you have to look and act like a smug, smarmy son of a bitch. Wayne Brady fits the bill. He always looked just a bit to fidgety on Who’s Line Is It Anyway, like it was all he could do to stop himself from reaching across the stage and choking Drew Carey. And as anyone who’s seen Chappelle’s Show can attest, Wayne Brady is scarily convincing as a villain. Watching Brady torture Dave Chappelle, it’s easy to imagine him in the Pit of Despair, pushing the lever to fifty (Not Fifty!).

“Is Prince Humperdink gonna have to choke a bitch?”

Count Rugen – Peter Sarsgaard

A creepy, creepy actor to play a creepy, creepy character. I used to think Sarsgaard was John Malkovich’s illegitimate child; they sound alike, they act alike, and they both play sociopaths. But Sarsgaard has overtaken him. If the two met in a dark alley, my money’s on Malkovich blinking first (He’s lost the edge after one too many Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy convention signing’s.). I was afraid for Jake Gyllenhaal’s life in Jarhead. Didn’t you just assume that at one point Sarsgaard was gonna snap, find a way to quit him, and it would be all over for poor Jake? It’s an effortless thing to imagine Sarsgaard asking Inigo’s father for a sword, then running him through once the guy had done the job (I’ve always believed it was Count Rugen’s intention from the beginning not to pay. Like he couldn’t believe how gullible Sr. Montoya was that he would just make this perfect sword without a deposit. Those Montoya’s are great swordsmen, but not so much with the business sense.).

Hell, it’s a coin flip that Sarsgaard doesn’t already have six fingers on his right hand. I wouldn’t even be surprised. It’s just one more thing to add to his creepiness factor.

Miracle Max – Dave Chappelle

Well if Wayne Brady’s playing Humperdink there can really only be one man suited for the job as the bitter, Humperdink-hating miracle man. Dave Chappelle. Brady gave him LSD, shot him in the leg, took his sandwich and left him for dead in the streets, and that was just in a comedy sketch. Imagine what Brady would have done if he was running an entire kingdom.

There’s no question Dave would be a great miracle man. He produced the greatest sketch comedy show in the last twenty years. He invented the most awesome signature catch phrase since Jerry Maguire. And it’s a 50/50 chance he’s actually a raging crack head in real life (Which, really, is totally just like Billy Crystal. Zing!). And if Inigo ever questioned Chappelle’s abilities as a miracle man, Chappelle would just lay it down for him. Give him a dose of truth. He’d put down his joint, smile, and say:

“I’m Miracle Max, bitch! What’s Humperdink gonna do?”

So that’s the cast of my remake of The Princess Bride. It’s still a classic movie, except now it appeals to the one group of people that the original did not. It can’t fail. After all, if the Wayans Brothers can have a hit with White Chicks, then I can have a blockbuster with The Princess Brizzle.

Bangarang!

So anyone that reads this site regularly knows that I have a more than average size hate-on for “beloved” actress Renee Zellweger. For whatever reason (and there are many), she just gets under my skin. I don’t know if it’s her squinty eyes, her “bitchy face” or her generally snooty attitude. And on more than one occasion I’ve taken her to task. You can read my rants about Renee HERE, HERE, HERE and HERE.

Flash back to the middle of March, I posted a column called “My Top 5“, wherein I wrote a little list of the “Top 5 Discarded TheJay.com Post Ideas”, and number two on the list was “50 Reasons Why I Like Renee Zellweger”. Now, never in a million years would I have ever really considered writing that piece. It’s tough for me to find fifty things about people I actually do like, so finding even half that about someone I seriously despise is like my Everest. A couple days after I posted the piece I asked my Mom what she thought. Her only comment was that she would have loved to read a post about fifty things I like about Renee. Being a Renee fan herself, she hasn’t been thrilled about my very public non-devotion to the Chicago star. I agreed it would probably be a funny post, but (not) regretfully informed her that it would never, EVER happen.

So then, you may ask, why the column title?

Today is my Mother’s birthday. And among the things she wanted for her birthday, one was a special column written just for her, so that she can read it during her birthday lunch. Since I like to be the good son (Suck it older and younger brother!), I was only too happy to oblige. Originally I was going to do a piece on the Best Movie Couples That Never Happened. Basically a piece on how it sucks we never got to see Arnold and Sly on-screen together, or Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts (Though this is happening next year in Aaron Sorkin’s film Charlie Wilson’s War.), or the ultimate never-happened couple, Rachel McAdams and The Jay. It’s a nice enough idea, but doesn’t really afford me the opportunity to be the sarcastic, cynical dick that I love to be. So I went back to the drawing board.

Then I thought maybe I could do a piece on Baby Boom, which is one of my Mom’s favorite comfort movies. The problem is I’ve never seen it. About the only thing I know of Diane Keaton is that she was great in The Family Stone, once was really great in Annie Hall and flashed a surprisingly nice rack for old chick in that Jack Nicholson movie. Maybe I could write about Hope Floats, but insulting that movie would get me excommunicated and I like my Mom, so no dice there. Maybe a piece on leading men that my Mom had crushes on, who now are either bat shit crazy (Mel Gibson) or just really old and cranky (Harrison Ford)? I liked that idea… a whole piece on cool male stars that have aged badly in the public eye, both mentally and physically. Jokes about Val Kilmer getting puffy, Geena Davis getting too bulky in the neck region (What? She’s a guy, right?), and a serious of biting remarks about “cutie patootie‿ Jon Stewart getting a little annoying and full of himself (Mom loved him in Playing By Heart.). It would be a perfect TheJay.com article replete with all the things I like to have in my work: celebrity insults, bad celebrity pictures and me not ever taking the high road. I was set, except for one thing.

My Mom doesn’t it like it when I’m negative. She still thinks it’s funny, she just prefers it when I do it in a non-hurtful manner. And that’s fair. There’s more to comedy than just calling Tom Cruise bat shit crazy. I’m not sure what it is, but I’ll do some research on it and get back to you. So I had to find a Plan C; something that would be funny, special to her and not negative. And then it hit me. Renee Zellweger.

So I celebrated Passover, ate myself full of brisket and chocolate-covered Matzoh and sat down to climb my Everest. What follows is my (often hellish) journey into my very own heart of darkness, my secret, evil love (shudder) for the Oscar winning actress known as Renee Zellweger. I hope you guys like it, because it sucked to write. Well, I guess there’s one positive thing to come out of this column. At least no one can say I’m not a good son (Again, in your face older and younger brother!).

(NOTE: These entries are in no particular order.)

1. Seemed genuinely grateful for her Best Supporting Oscar, despite having lost in the Best Actress category two years in a row.

2. I like anyone who is in any way linked to the movie Dazed and Confused (Renee had a bit part).

3. Looked great as a Doris Day clone in Down With Love.

4. Does not currently live in Los Angeles, which is great because it means less of a chance of me running into her and her punching me in the face for calling her “bitchface”.

5. Despite being the star of the movie, let Catherine Zeta-Jones steal Chicago right out from under her. Then went on to support her win for Best Supporting Actress, while she lost out to a barely-deserving Nicole Kidman in The Hours.

6. Was partially responsible for killing the career of Chris O’Donnell, after starring with him in the flop The Bachelor. Have I mentioned I don’t like Chris O’Donnell? Meredith deserves him on Grey’s Anatomy; two obnoxious people, making each other happy. I just wish they didn’t have to do it on my television.

7. I like that she doesn’t give people hell for forgetting to put the tilde in her first name, which is great because I refuse to do it. I mean give me a break, she’s from Texas, she’s ain’t French.

8. Gave me the opportunity to put the word “Bitchface” in the title of a column. You gotta love any celebrity that gives me an open invitation to drop a well-deserved B-bomb on my website.

9. Has really good hair (Look, 50 is a big number, I gotta start out slow).

10. Has never done a cheesy, irredeemable romantic comedy. Warrants mentioning.

11. Refuses to get naked on film, which is a conviction I respect in actresses. Especially in ones I have no desire to see naked. Preach on, Renee!

12. Eloped to the tropics with Kenny Chesney, thus sparing us the tabloid wedding crap that most celebrities usually foist upon us (ahem, Tom!).

13. Once called Bridget Jones’s Diary co-star Hugh Grant a fat ass. Which is eight kinds of awesome right there.

14. Is famous despite having the most diabolically spelled last name this side of Gyllenhaal. It takes talent to overcome bad etymology. Just ask our Governator.

15. Gave the world this dialogue jem from Empire Records: “Shock me shock me shock me with that deviant behavior.”

16. In an interview for Cinderella Man, called Russell Crowe out on all his tough guy shit. I’m glad somebody finally did. The man is talented, but that’s no excuse for being an asshole.

17. Doesn’t tan well, which as a fellow Casper-skinned person myself, I can relate and sympathize with.

18. Was the love interest for Morgan Freeman in Nurse Betty and for Will Smith in Shark Tale. I dig that she is so cool with promoting and showcasing interracial relationships. It’s a small stride in a still racially stunted Hollywood, but definitely a worthy cause for her celebrity. Now compare that to Julia Roberts, who sings Denzel’s praises in the press, yet didn’t push to have a relationship with him in The Pelican Brief (when she easily could have). One comes out looking like an open, tolerant, progressive person and the other looks like a fake. And with a slightly horsy-looking face.

19. Looks great in a ball gown. Assuming you like seeing skeletons in formal wear.

20. Got herself a piece of George Clooney and never once tried to push him into marriage (Krista Allen) or use it to further her career (Teri Hatcher).
    

21. Not afraid to look really ugly on film (see Bridget Jones 2).

22. Also not afraid to look ugly in person (see any red carpet picture of her).

23. Is the other half of the only great actress rivalry we have today; Renee and her Cold Mountain co-star Nicole Kidman. Kidman beat her out for the lead in Moulin Rouge, and then beat her for the Best Actress Oscar in 2002. But Renee bounced back by stealing Cold Mountain from Nicole and winning an Oscar while Nicole wasn’t even nominated! That was a BURN.

24. Is not nearly as snooty as Reese Witherspoon.

25. Beat out Cameron Diaz for the role of Dorothy Boyd in Jerry Maguire. And let me just say, THANK G-D!

26. When she came out wearing only an apron at the end of Empire Records. Hot. Girl used to have a crazy acceptable body, too bad she became a star and vomited her hotness away. Sorry, I know, I’m supposed to be trying to stay positive.

27. Has never tried to pass herself off as a classical actress, and then turned around and appeared in a cheesy, for-the-paycheck action movie (ahem, Nicole Kidman – The Peacemaker).

28. Actually graduated from college (University of Texas at Austin) thereby proving that not all actors are stupid. Just most of them.

29. Divorced Kenny Chesney and called him a fraud. Suck on THAT, country music!

30. Is my favorite of all Jim Carrey’s former girlfriends. I think they made a cool couple.

31. Her nickname is “Zelly”, which rules, because now I can give her the even more awesome nickname of “Zelly Bean”. Jelly beans rule!

32. Looks better when she puts on weight. Not a bad trait to have when you get older.

33. Too her enormous credit and unlike some of her contemporaries, Renee does not act with her mouth (Naomi Watts), is not Botoxed beyond recognition (Nicole Kidman), has not put out dreck (Sandra Bullock), and is not trying to cling to her youth by dating a pop star (Cameron Diaz).

34. Jerry Maguire.

35. Bares more than a passing resemblance to indie actress Joey Lauren Adams. And I love me some Joey Lauren Adams.

36. Once worked as a waitress in a strip club, which is cool because if you were dating her she probably wouldn’t mind if you got a lap dance.

37. Played a believable Jew in A Price Above Rubies, making her the best unbelievably Aryan-looking actress to support the faith since Melanie Griffith in A Stranger Among Us.

38. Has a great singing voice. And I don’t mean from Chicago. She rocked the mike way back in 1995 in Empire Records, that long ago era when my love for Renee was pure and sincere. Those were simpler times.

39. Was a cooler Mom than Michelle Pfeiffer in White Oleander. Not an easy task to pull off.

40. Was also very subtle and extremely likable in White Oleander, making her the sole redeeming factor in an almost unwatchable chick flick.

41. Because my Mom told me to like her. And she has impeccable taste. After all, she likes Hope Floats. Crap! Now I’m getting kicked out of the family. There go my Hanukkah presents.

42. Co-starred with the immortal Luke Perry in the bull-riding non-classic 8 Seconds. I praise anybody that will help extend the career of Dylan McKay.

43. Does a really good British accent. It’s about time we start doing the Brits well, because most of the time they prove to be better at doing us than we do.

44. Turned down (a then huge) one million dollars to star in Godzilla, opposite Matthew Broderick. What did I tell you? This is a smart girl.

45. Nurse Betty kinda rules.

46. Was Morgan Freeman’s first on-screen kiss. How cool is that? I wonder if he was narrating the kiss in his head?

47. Helped to ruin the life of obnoxious child actor Jonathan Lipnicki. Warrants mentioning.

48. Was in a great Jerry Maguire parody sketch on SNL a few years ago, which sparked a brief return affair of me liking her again. It all stopped five minutes later when the sketch ended, but for those 300 seconds there was no hate whatsoever.

49. The girl’s got great taste. She dated Damien Rice after all, which means she can’t be all bad. Damien Rice freaking rules!

50. “Shut up. Just shut up. You had me at hello.”

I don’t care if it makes me look like a girl, but whenever I hear her say that line, I tear up. It’s almost uncontrollable. And in the end, I think, that’s where my hate-on for Renee really begins. I LOVED her in Jerry Maguire. And in just about everything she made before it. But I’ve been dissatisfied, or openly disliked her in just about everything since then. I don’t know what it is; maybe the stardom went to her head. Maybe Tom Cruise brainwashed her with his Scientology and like a succubus, stole all her charm. Or maybe it’s that she always looks just a bit too desperate for everyone to like her. But I am angry at her for making me dislike her. For making me turn my back on her. She was one of my girls, and now I look back at Empire Records and it’s all just tainted memories.

I don’t want to call her “bitch face”. I don’t want to shake my head in disappointment every time Jerry Maguire comes on TNT (Though that would happen anyway since Tom Cruise is still the star of the movie.). I don’t want to have to hate another talented actor, lord knows I already hate enough of them. I just want to go back to liking her. I just want her to go back to being likeable. And if nothing else, I just want her to stop squinting all the time. Is that too much to ask.

So there, HA HA, I have climbed my Everest. I can now scratch that off my list of “Things To Do Before I Die”, where it sat right behind “Shake Jack Nicholson’s hand” and “Touch Jenna Jameson’s boobs”. Next up on my list: “Convincing the world that Keanu Reeves is the best actor on the planet.” That’s my new Everest. Time to start climbing…

Happy Birthday, Mom!

Bangarang!