Celebrity Well Wishes For Tom, Katie and Suri the TomKitten

We here at TheJay.com (and by we I mean “me“) would like to extend our deepest congratulations to Suri Cruise, the newest member of the Church of Scientology. May her rise of the levels of Thetan be quick and clean, and long may she wave her Xenuian flag, proud to be free of prescription narcotics, psychiatry, dyslexia, bulimia, athlete’s foot, genital warts, Icee-induced brain freeze and all the other things that the Church claims their religion can cure. L Ron would sure be proud to know that his teachings have helped to inspire a generation of celebrities to donate ten percent of their gross yearly income in order to learn a new way of life that is violently opposed to the natural order. And that those same celebrities have rallied around one celebrity icon, leading the charge for societal acceptance. And that his efforts have resulted in the first celebrity baby Scientologist. Yes, there’s nothing better than forced religion, especially a weird one. No doubt the other kids in the playground will have little ammunition to pick on Suri with, what with her uber-famous father, her uber-zombie mother, her family’s vast fortune, general public ridicule, the expectations of an entire religion, and finally, her not-at-all freaky first name.

Oh yeah, and congratulations to the Mom and Dad, Mr. and Mrs. Batshit Crazy Tom Cruise. They must be so proud to have brought their hoax / beard / religious icon / robot / pod baby into this world. I’m sure they will make fine parents some day. Or at least hire a competent Scientologist nanny. Cigars for everyone! But don’t get addicted to nicotine. The Church doesn’t have a cure yet for the sweet, deathly weed.

It’s ironic (in that Alanis Morissette kinda way) that a devout Scientologist and a formerly devote Catholic would name their baby after a Hebrew word. I guess it’s anything you can do to get back in the good graces of Papa Spielberg, eh Cruise?

But don’t listen to me, I’m quite cynical (No, it’s true. But thanks for coming to my defense.). I have compiled a group of congratulations comments from friends and acquaintances of the Cruise family. Take a read on what some of Hollywood’s most famous people are saying about the baby of the year (At least until Brangelina pops out their Namibian freakshow golden baby, sometime in mid-June.).

John Travolta: Tommy, from one Level Three Thetan to another, congratulations. He will make a fine Xenuian descendant of L. Ron. Wanna make out?

Renee Zellweger: Whatever you do Katie, just make sure the lawyers put a Fraud clause in the pre-nup. Trust me on this one.

Brad Pitt: Seriously, Tom, how do you get Katie to stay so quiet? I can’t get Angie to shut her trap for five minutes; always going on and on about starving Africans and poor Cambodian mine fields. I don’t care. I’m from Missouri, Tom! The most I want to say to a girl is “Where’s my bud?” And now we’re having the kid, who to be honest may not even be mine, in some country called Namibia. I don’t even know where that is. Where am I? Can’t I just go home? Is this really my punishment for leaving Jennifer. She wasn’t even that great to begin with. Always had this slight stench of… Ross on her. Help me Tom, you’re my only hope.

Josh Hartnett: Katie, I’ll admit, when you left me for Tom without so much as a Blackberry text, I was pretty bummed. But now, the way I see it, you have at best traded sideways. Where as I, most definitely traded, UP. So, you know, no hard feelings.

Nicole Kidman: I guess my lawyer is just better than yours, Katie. We adopted. Best of luck with your new, small baby. And I do mean small. Troll spawn don’t often reach the heights of giants. Or even of normal people.

Chris Klein: Yeah, I know, I’m a jerk and a world-class, world-renowned sleazeball. But at least when I was dating Katie I let her say more than two words at a time AND let her get naked on-screen. So the way I see it, I’m probably square with the big guy up stairs. And with most of the fifteen year-olds who saw The Gift not knowing Katie was gonna unleash the wonder twins. Booyah, I tapped that hard, good and great. I rule.

Steven Spielberg: Congratulations, Tom. A baby is a wonderful thing to bring into the world. I would know, Kate and I have adopted seventeen of them. You know, I also like to consider my films to be my babies. Which I think makes it so hard to deal with the fact that you gave our War of the Worlds the equivalent of the black death. It may not last a decade in the minds of the audiences. So thanks Tom, for killing our baby. Hopefully you won’t do the same to yours. Now if you’ll excuse me, the Master must tend to his new reality show. Coming this fall on FOX!

Scarlet Johansson: Poor Katie. I am so glad that isn’t me.

Jessica Alba: You’re telling me!

Cuba Gooding Jr.: SHOW ME THE BABY! Sorry Tom, thought it might convince you to do Jerry Maguire 2. I really need the work. Nobody’s returning my calls. And they gave my Snow Dogs sequel to that cracker from the car-racing movie. Maybe I can pawn my Oscar. Nah, it hasn’t been worth anything since I made Chill Factor.

Michelle Williams: I wish I had done more on the Creek, Katie. I know we had our differences, what with you being more famous than me at the time, but if I had known what you would be going though now, I would have done things differently. We’re mothers now. Well, I mean, I’m a mother. You’re more of a surrogate to a Miracle Baby, but the point remains the same. Girls who used to work together, who also gave birth to the babies of pampered, slightly loopy actors must stick together. It’s all we have. Me, you and that little Asian girl Nicolas Cage bought in The Valley.

Britney Spears: Wow, ya’ll! Suri, that’s a cute name. I didn’t know you had an Indian baby. That’s so cool, Tom. If I could have chosen, I would have had a black baby, but Kevin and I don’t know how to do that. Kids are hard, ya’ll. There always falling off things when you’re not looking, and trying to drive your car without a car seat or seat belt. Kids are out of control. The real problem is the parents. So you be good to your little Indian girl. Ya hear?

Jack Nicholson: You want well wishes? You want well wishes? YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE WELL WISHES! Son, we live in a world that has real religions. And those religions need to be guarded. Guarded against scientologists. Whose gonna do it? You Tom? You, zombie girl with the rack? I didn’t think so. I’d rather you just said I’m sorry, and went on your way. Best to Paula Wagner and the kids. Love Jack.

Val Kilmer: You can be my son’s play date anytime.

Jamie Foxx: HEEEEY!! HOOOO!!! You made it do what it do. HEEEYYY!! HOOOO!!! Here’s a gift for little baby. My CD, Unpredictable, in stores now. Love you, Big Cruisey. Holla atcha boy!

Brooke Shields: Born on the same day, huh? Man Tom, you are just so good at publicity. Stealing the spotlight of the birth of MY baby by having your own? What did you do? When you heard I was giving birth did you start stepping on Katie’s stomach? Did you inject her with some mutant Scientology not-drug that pushes the kid out faster, cures her of heroine and depression and cleanses her of dyslexia? Because I know you can do that.

Sean Penn: IS THAT YOUR BABY IN THERE? IS THAT YOUR BABY IN THERE? No seriously, in the crib, is that your baby in there? She’s cute. Good job, Tom.

Penelope Cruz: Garble, garble. Unintelligible accent, garble, Matthew’s abs are better, garble, Spanish curse word, control freak, deadly Spanish curse word, garble, garble. Como se dice? Congratulations Tommy. I’m glad it wasn’t me.

Stanley Kubrick: Don’t look at me, I’m dead. I make fifteen classic movies, and our goddamn sex movie gave me a heart attack. It took two years and a real live, honest-to-god sex doctor to make you believable having sex with your OWN wife, who I might add, was Nicole freakin Kidman. So, pardon me if I roll around in my grave a bit at the thought you knocked up that poor little girl within days of meeting her.

Sean Preston Spears: Stick with me, Suri. I know a great therapist. Been seeing him since I was born. We’ll keep it a secret from your pops.

Julia Roberts: Congratulations, Tom. You know it’s funny. I distinctly remember doing this movie where a rich guy paid my character a large sum of money to pretend I was his girlfriend, and to disguise who I really was. But we never had a baby together. I guess this is the sequel, huh? Hope she settled for more than I did. Inflation’s gone up since 1991.

L.Ron Hubbard: Tom, Katherine, Little Baby Zort, I mean Suri, warmest wishes from your beyond the grave Thetan leader. Now I have a bedtime story for little Suri. Many, many years ago there was a writer named Herman Melville, who wrote a book called Moby Dick. When the book was released it was a huge success, a bestseller for its age. Some time after the release of the book Oxford University invited Melville to speak at a roundtable discussion of the themes and elements of his book. The discussion was led by a slew of the finest minds in all of England. They instantly began peppering the writer with in-depth questions about the philosophical and metaphysical elements of Moby Dick. They wanted to know if the journey of Ahab was a meta-reference to the downward spiral of western intelligence. They asked if the color of the whale was a sub-textual representation of the ills of Mother England. And so on. The questions kept coming, and kept getting more deep and complex. After a time Melville raised his hand and silenced the panel. He gave a little smile, looked up and told the geniuses of the world: “Guys, it’s just a book about a guy chasing a whale.”

Congratulations on the newest addition to your family. And remember Tom, sometimes it really is just a book.

Bangarang!