Vince Vaughn is arguably the most quotable actor in movie history (with Val Kilmer coming in a close second). In only ten years and fifteen movies (I discount his dramatic movies because, like Rocky 5, they were all a dream and never really happened; especially Domestic Disturbance), he has established himself as the go to star for kick-ass cultural-swinging dialogue. From “You’re so money” to “Earmuffs” to “Lock it up!”, his lines have changed the way we converse, the way we think and the way we speak. He has reached the point in his career where his every line of dialogue is a laugh waiting to happen. Vaughn has garnered such tremendous audience goodwill that as soon as he opens his mouth we are waiting to love what he has to say. No matter if he’s playing a scoundrel (which he was in Wedding Crashers) or a lovable loser (Dodgeball) or even an assassin (Mr. and Mrs. Smith), we cannot help but root for him. When Vince Vaughn speaks, we listen, and we love every word.
It’s almost as if he’s created a new language, one defined by witty quips and cutting rejoinders. Think about this for a second, if you had to create a new language, one that would be accepted across the globe and universally recognized, what would it be? It would be movie quotes. Everyone loves them, there isn’t a person alive that hasn’t adopted a movie line into their own speech (Mine is “You’re killing me Smalls”, and if you don’t know where that’s from than I suggest you press the little red “X” at the top of the window, because you don’t belong here.), and if everyone started talking in movie quotes, the world would be a funnier, more dramatic and more romantic place to live.
Like the English language deriving mostly from Latin, our new movie quote language has to start somewhere. If I were to choose, I would want our Latin to be Vince Vaughn. He’s the only actor alive whose quotes can be used for all spectrums of speech, and are widely recognized as some of the funniest, smartest and coolest in movie history. His quotes would and should be the basis for our new language. Let’s take a look at how we will develop our new movie quote language, Vince Vaughnese.
Most people think his quotes are primarily about scoring chicks, and that’s almost fair. After all, he is the man that brought us these gems:
Vince Vaughn On: Honesty (Swingers)
“There’s nothing wrong with letting the girls know that you’re money and that you want to party.”
Vince Vaughn On: Playing The Odds (Old School)
“Well why don’t you give me your number in case anything happens to my wife.”
Vince Vaughn On: Getting Lucky (Dodgeball)
VV: “There’s someone out there for everybody.”
Owen: “You think?”
VV: “Absolutely. In some cases, there’s two somebody’s for one person. I like to call that “the jackpot”.”
But look past his “Trent from Swingers” personality and you’ll see that the man is a treasure trove for lines about how the world could be made into a better place to live. Take for instance his stance on some of the major social and political problems plaguing the world today.
Vince Vaughn On: Gun Control (Swingers)
“People get carjacked.”
VV: “Who’s gonna carjack your fuckin’ K-Car? He’s right Sue you don’t need to carry a gat!”
Vince Vaughn On: Breaking Stereotypes (Wedding Crashers)
Owen Wilson: “Don’t waste your time on girls with hats. They tend to be very proper.”
VV: “Yeah? Well, the proper girl in the hat just eye-fucked the shit out of me.”
Vince Vaughn On: Exploration (Old School)
“Well, Columbus wasn’t looking for America, my man, but that turned out to be pretty okay for everyone.”
Vince Vaughn On: Spirituality (Wedding Crashers)
VV: “Do you know what that awareness is, Gloria?”
Gloria Cleary: “What?”
VV: “That we’re all one. That separateness is an illusion, and that I’m one with everyone – with the Prime Minister of England, and my cousin Harry, you and me, the fat kid from ‘What’s Happening,’ the Olsen twins, Natalie Portman, the guy who wrote ‘Catcher in the Rye,’ Nat King Cole, Carrot Top, Jay-Z, Weird Al Yankovic, Harry Potter, if he existed, the whore on the street corner, your mother. We’re all one.”
Vince Vaughn On: Acceptance (Be Cool)
“I’m just sayin’ if that’s what this is gonna be, it’s gonna be that.”
Truly, Vince Vaughn is a man who believes in a better world, and our new language should respect his beliefs.
And it’s not just social ills that his quotes can be rallied around. Raising children is an important part of life and Vince is no stranger to Fatherhood. He has spoken out on Family Values on multiple occasions, and those speeches have come to be some of the most influential words of wisdom that this world has ever seen.
Vince Vaughn On: Parenting (Swingers)
“Our baby’s all grown up.”
Vince Vaughn On: Marriage (Old School)
“Alright, let me be the first to say congratulations. You get one vagina for the rest of your life. Real smart, Frank. Way to work it through.”
Vince Vaughn On: Bad Language (Old School)
Luke Wilson: “I’ve had a hell of a day and even worse week. And all I want to do is get some fucking sleep.”
VV: “Whoa. Whoa. Why the F-ing? Why in front of the kid? All ya gotta do is say “earmuffs” to him, and you can say anything, “Fuck, shit, bitch.”
Vince Vaughn On: Family Life (Old School)
“I have a wife and kids. Do I seem like a happy guy to you, Frank?”
Vince Vaughn On: Having Your Mom’s Back (Anchorman)
Champ Kind: “I will smash your face into a car windshield, and then take your mother Dorothy Mantooth out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again!”
VV: “Dorothy Mantooth is a saint! You understand me? Dorothy Mantooth is a saint!”
So we’ve seen that Vince Vaughnese covers Family Life, Socio-political issues and Chicks, but it goes even further still beyond those areas. After doing some research on the subject I have found that Vince’s words can extend to the field of sports:
Vince Vaughn On: Physical Skills (Wedding Crashers)
“You and I both know I’m a phenomenal dancer!”
Vince Vaughn On: Knowing Your Own Skills (Wedding Crashers)
“John, I was first team All-State. I can put the ball anywhere I want to. I’ll make it rain out here.”
Vince Vaughn On: Water Sports (Wedding Crashers)
“Why don’t you try getting jacked off under the table in front of the whole damn family and have some real problems, jackass. Hey, what were they like anyway? They looked pretty good, are they real? Are they built for speed or comfort? What’d you do with them? Motorboat? You play the motorboat? [makes sputtering motorboat noise] You motor boating son of a bitch! You old sailor you! Where is she? She still in the house?”
His words can extend to the field of Physical Development:
Vince Vaughn On: Death (Old School)
“Don’t beat yourself up over this, Mitch. It’s not your fault. Dammit, Blue was old. That’s what old people do. They die.”
Vince Vaughn On: Getting Older (Be Cool)
“Nice ass won’t get you through your whole life. Once you turn thirty you better have a personality.”
Vince Vaughn On: Body Art (Wedding Crashers)
“Tattoo on the lower back? Might as well be a bullseye.”
And the field of Business:
Vince Vaughn On: The Entertainment Industry (Swingers)
“Everybody steals from everybody, that’s Hollywood.”
Vince Vaughn On: Business Tactics (Old School)
“He’s playing hardball. And I got to admit. I’m impressed.”
Vince Vaughn On: Party Planning (Made)
“Here’s what I’m gonna ask of you… We’re going to be spending the night in New York, so it worked out well for all of us. I want you to take it back to the business class, I want you to round up a couple of honeys… At our hotel room we’re gonna have kind of a pool party. California gangster-style, you know what I mean? Kick ass pool party thing.”
But who are we kidding? The basis of any new language is not how we speak about the challenges we face in our daily lives, but in the way we communicate we each other. The way we talk to our friends; the way we treat other people. Even before the birth of Vince Vaughenese, the traditional English language was adopting his quotes to use as definitions for friendship and communication. You in fact may have used one or two in the past. These quotes were the main arbiter in the birth of Vince’s language, the catalyst for the need of a Vince-specific method of speaking, and most of all, why we think he’s so goddamn funny.
Vince Vaughn On: Helping Friends (Wedding Crashers)
“A friend in need is a pest.”
Vince Vaughn On: Being a Good Wingman (Swingers)
“Look at this, OK? I want you to remember this face. This is the guy behind the guy behind the guy.”
Vince Vaughn On: Giving A Friend Some Confidence (Swingers)
“I don’t want you to be the guy in the PG-13 movie everyone’s really hoping makes it happen. I want you to be like the guy in the rated R movie, you know, the guy you’re not sure whether or not you like yet. You’re not sure where he’s coming from. Okay? You’re a bad man. You’re a bad man, Mikey. You’re a bad man, bad man.”
Vince Vaughn On: Betrayal (Wedding Crashers)
“I hope you flip your bike over and knock your two front teeth out! You selfish son of a bitch! You leave me in the trenches taking grenades, John!”
All good languaticians (I just made that word up) know that the specialized words and phrases we make up with our friends are what constitute a real language. Being able to personalize speech and create unique ways of saying ordinary things is what makes a language popular. This is how Vince Vaughnese will truly reach widespread, global popularity. For instance, if you were proud of your friend and wanted to tell him in a cool way how you feel, you could say: “Good job man, way to go. You’re kicking ass.” but that would still be kind of lame. Let’s see that same phrase in Vince Vaughnese:
Vince Vaughn On: Compliments (Swingers)
“You’re so money and you don’t even know it!”
And if you were at a party and somebody asked what you did for a living, you could give some boring answer like “Hi, I’m The Jay, I’m a stock broker”. But c’mon, really, wouldn’t the conversation be so much more fun if you used a Vince Vaughnese-ism, instead?
Vince Vaughn On: Being Who You Are (Clay Pigeons)
“I’m Lester. Lester the uh, molester.”
Moving to the most important part of language, communicating with the opposite sex, we find that this is the area Vince Vaughnese-ism excels at the most. It’s fairly common knowledge that in the last decade Vince has redefined the dating scene and male/female relationships. From changing the time men take to call women (“Six days‿), to what men call women (“beautiful babies”) to even where men go to find women (“All right, all right I’ll ask her. Miss, miss! Do you know where the high school girls hang out around here?”), Vince’s relationship-based movie quotes have established a new set of rules, one’s that will make Vince Vaughnese the linguistic touchstone for which all twenty-something’s will go to pray. Let’s take a lesson from some more of Vince’s views on sex, dating and relationships.
Vince Vaughn On: The Secrets of Flirting (Swingers)
“All I do is stare at their mouths and wrinkle my nose, and I turn out to be a sweetheart.”
Vince Vaughn On: Respecting Women (Made)
“Here’s 50 bucks, take this in case I get drunk and call you a bitch later.”
Vince Vaughn On: Enjoying the Nightlife (Wedding Crashers)
“Go out there and get some strange ass!”
Vince Vaughn On: Getting Over A Breakup (Wedding Crashers)
“She hasn’t answered your calls, she didn’t respond to any of your letters, she didn’t respond to the candygram. God only knows what happened to the kitten you got for her. ‘Cause she didn’t keep it, and I know you’re not raising the goddamn thing. I think it’s very obvious at this juncture that she just flat out does not wanna see you anymore.”
Vince Vaughn On: Obsession (Wedding Crashers)
“I got a stage five. Virgin. Clinger.”
Vince Vaughn On: Dating (Wedding Crashers)
VV: “Janice, I apologize to you if I don’t seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don’t like the feeling. You’re sitting there, you’re wondering do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking enough, am I interested I’m not really interested, should I play like I’m interested but I’m not that interested but I think she might be interested but do I want to be interested but now she’s not interested? So all of the sudden I’m getting, I’m starting to get interested… And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door cause then it’s awkward, it’s like well goodnight. Do you do like that ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and your ass sticks out cause you’re trying not to get too close or do you just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don’t kiss them at all? It’s very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you’re just really wondering are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions? Perhaps play a little game called “just the tip”. Just for a second, just to see how it feels. Or, ouch, ouch you’re on my hair.”
So now you can see that the language of Vince Vaughnese successfully covers all aspects of life, and if used in conversation can make you smarter, wiser, funnier, more confident and just plain cooler. But let’s ask one final question to determine if Vince Vaughn is truly worthy of naming and conceiving a language around. Does it make you a better person? In English I could describe myself in a multitude of ways, all designed to make me feel better about who I am, and more attractive to other people. Can I do that in Vince Vaughnese? Let’s find out…
Vince Vaughn On: Goals (Dodgeball)
“I found that if you have a goal, that you might not reach it. But if you don’t have one, then you are never disappointed. And I gotta tell ya… it feels phenomenal.”
Vince Vaughn On: Discipline (Wedding Crashers)
“Lock it up!”
Vince Vaughn On: Pessimism (Wedding Crashers)
“Please don’t take a turn to negative town.”
Vince Vaughn On: Labels (Wedding Crashers)
“I’m a cocksman!”
Vince Vaughn On: Standing Your Ground (Wedding Crashers)
Owen Wilson: “He lived with his mom till he was forty! She tried to poison his oatmeal!”
VV: “Erroneous! Erroneous! Erroneous on both accounts!”
Vince Vaughn On: Excuses (Wedding Crashers)
“Rule #76: No excuses. Play like a champion!”
I think we can put that question to rest. Truly, the language of Vince Vaughnese can do anything. It can help you find a boyfriend or girlfriend, it can help you raise a family, it can help you live your life smarter and come to accept the course of human events. It can get you laid. It’s the perfect language. In a world where movie quotes are the new social currency, Vince Vaughnese is the Benjamin, the high water mark, the only language you wanna speak. Besides, wouldn’t you rather sound like Vince Vaughn than just about anyone else?
It’s All Deadly!
ABC 
Biggest Shocker of the Season: Did they just kick off Chris Daughtry? You mean I get more McPhee? Suh-WEET! Peace out, bald guy! Go have fun fronting Creed.
Last Thursday, millions of The OC fans, thousands of Mischa Barton haters, hundreds of snarky entertainment blogs and a handful of Access Hollywood loyalists were stunned when the TV “newsmagazine” stupidly e-mailed out a press release mid-way through the day detailing the spoiler death of Mischa Barton’s insufferable Marissa Cooper on that evening’s season finale. Here’s what the e-mail subject line said:
When the news broke that Tom Hanks had been cast as Robert Langdon in the film version of Dan Brown’s unbelievably successful book The Da Vinci Code I was less than enthused. I had read both The Da Vinci Code and the far superior first book Angels & Demons, and had never once visualized Tom Hanks in the hero role. Maybe a ruffled Hugh Jackman or a nattily dressed Robert Downey Jr., but never Mr. Nice Guy, Tom Hanks. I could not wrap my head around the idea that he was gonna play an action hero (which the character was in Angels & Demons). Aside from a few battle scenes in Saving Private Ryan, I doubt he’s ever been in one action scene (I’ve never even seen him in a fight. Heck, I’ve never once seen him outrun a fireball, so how is he ever going to pull this off?). But then I remembered that he’s a tremendously gifted actor who’s surprised me time and time again, maybe he can do it; maybe he’s not such a bad choice after all. But then the first pictures from the film showed up on the net and everything changed.
This is the rookie hair; amateur hair. Maybe THH had taken a few classes, learned itself some Meisner, but it was no pro. It’s too puffy, too young, too 80’s. Sure, it makes Tom look like the perfect “schmoopy guy who falls in love with a mermaid played by Elle Driver”, but it’s not the manliest of cuts. But THH was smart, and learned from this misstep. As it is with acting, you learn as you go along and you take what you need from each project. Clearly what THH learned from Splash is that in cheesy studio comedies, the poofy and pompier the better. In any event, it’s a solid 
Clearly, THH learned from its debut and utilized its newfound skill, because this movie welcomed the birth of what I like to call “The Hanks Fro”. An off-shoot of the Jew-fro (because Hanks isn’t Jewish), THH launched a full blown assault on the abilities of the widescreen lens. It probably took a 1:85:1 aspect ratio just to fit the whole thing in frame. I like that Tom seems unafraid that the sheer volume of his hair would cripple even the firmest of cowboy hats. And his bravery must be noted, too, as one light drizzle would send The Hanks Fro into a frizz disaster the likes have which have not been seen since the heyday of Adrian Zmed.
Here’s where THH began to develop a bit of a Diva attitude. The Hanks Fro is gone, but in its place is a pseudo-Flock of Seagulls, kinda wannabe preppy look that is just awful. It may have worked to showcase Tom’s confusion in being a boy in a man’s body, but it did nothing to show off the talents of THH. He comes off looking like a nerd whose trying to be a politician, yet desperately hoping appears hip. It’s not working, and it’s a testament to THH’s belief that stardom was just around the corner. This was hair saying “Hey, look who I’m attached to. We’re going places. So I’m gonna rock the front bang curls, and not only can you do nothing about it. You’re gonna like it.” 
Now here’s when Tom Hanks took control of THH. He realized that going long was never going to give him the career boost he needed. After all, at the time, Mel Gibson was rocking the long 
Not surprisingly, the first real case of The Signature Tom Hank Look dominating the screen and it wins Tom Hanks an Academy Award. I think the win was truly a sign that THH is stupid, and had no idea what it was doing in the late 80’s. Bad THH career decisions may have set Tom back a good three years. Who knows what type of business The Burbs and Turner & Hooch would have done had they not been saddled with The Hanks Fro. Tom pulls off the preppy lawyer look here with great aplomb, and then in a stunning follicle twist, goes completely bald and sports some edgy stubble. It’s a great transformation made exceptionally believable due to it being the first time anyone has seen Tom Hanks with his 
Gun to my head, this is my favorite look for THH. The shaved sides and close cropped army-issue flat top completely alter Tom’s look and physicality. I saw Tom do Forrest on Inside the Actor’s Studio, but it wasn’t believable because he didn’t have the Forrest hair. That’s how good the look is; when the hair is indispensable to the character (much like Julia’s red curly hair in Pretty Woman or Ethan Hawke’s greasy Reality Bites goatee), you’ve got a classic hair character. 
This is hair gone stale; gone soft. A toned-down Signature Tom Hanks look, one that would begin to define late-90’s Tom Hanks. We get the return of The Hanks Fro, but this time it’s maintained and horse-collared. It’s a diplomatic fro. While I like the throwback, and am glad to see Tom get out of army haircuts, I still think it’s way too boring. Is it possible that THH mailed this one in? It is possible, because everyone in this movie mailed it in. Wasn’t it supposed to be the quintessential drama of the decade? The biggest star in the world, directed by the man who made Shawshank Redemption, working with a script by the most popular writer in the world (Stephen King), adapted from a book series lauded by critics everywhere. The Green Mile should have been a shoe-in for Best Picture. But everything is curiously muted. All the right notes are hit, all the right emotions are met, but in the end, this is a film no one cares about and no one really remembers. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the first time in a decade that THH fails to bring its “A” game, the film falls to pieces. It just reinforces my theory that the key to the success of Tom Hanks is a harmonious relationship with his hair. 
Now this is more like it. Determined to reclaim its thrown as the biggest star 
How do you shut up the egotistical rantings of hair on an ego trip? You stick it under a hat and shave your face until the skin goes raw. Tom bottled up THH in this flick and was smart to do so. Finally comfortable again in his own skin, you can see the joy in Tom’s performance from the first frame. Like a shaggy dog that finally got his bangs clipped, Tom ran around in this movie independent of THH, and was back in fine form. This was my favorite Hanks performance of the last decade, partly due to a lack of distraction from THH. The real success in Tom’s career is when he plays a part where his 
You know what this is? This is “I’m Keith Hernandez” hair. Remember that Seinfeld episode where Keith Hernandez asks out Elaine and is so brazen about it because, hey, he’s Keith Hernandez? That’s what this hair reminds me of. Tom can grow the mutton chops, goofy beard and Col. Sanders hair because, hey, he’s Tom Hanks. Who’s gonna stop him? Who’s gonna tell him “no”?
If you look back at all the major successes of Tom Hanks’s film career, you’ll see a common pattern: a unique haircut. Whether it was the Flock of Seagulls cut in Big, or the Preppy Signature in Philadelphia, the army cut in Forrest Gump or the Caveman in Castaway, the best Tom Hanks movies all have a follicle adventure to them. So why should The Da Vinci Code be any different? Sure, he looks like he’s wearing a wet rat. Sure, he looks like an aging hippy that smoked too much pot and doesn’t realize how out of date he looks. And sure, maybe he should just pull a Bruce Willis and accept the fact that he’s losing his 
1. What does the disappointing box office take for M:I 3 mean for the biggest star in the world, our very own Crazy Cruiser?
Easily, actually, as he’s been terrible for weeks, but nobody’s noticed because he doesn’t have any competition in his category. Last year Constantine got the surprise boot because he wasn’t as good a rock star as Bo (also because he sucked and had ugly, greasy hair). Had Bo not been there, Constantine would probably have won the whole damn thing. The fact of the matter is that Chris had been mailing in psuedo-rock performances since day one, never deviated from that genre and coasted mostly on his wicked side-burns and slow-burn delivery. When it was finally time to buck up and show his range, he revealed he didn’t have one. Frankly, I’m glad he’s gone. I was never wowed by him, either as a singer or a personality. I was never going to buy a Chris Daughtry album, whereas I will definitely pick up the McPhee-ver LP (Which should be called Katherine McPhee: All Moves, No Fashion Sense). 
It has the potential to go either way, but my gut says it will be a letdown. This season has been off its rails since the second episode, when the writers decided to repeat the first episode FROM A DIFFERENT ANGLE. They killed off all of the Tailies except Eko, making that entire season-long storyline completely pointless. We all knew Henry Gale was an Other, and got strung along for five episodes waiting for him to attack. Sayid and Charlie might as well be Central Casting extras. Jack is as petulant, selfish and pig-headed as ever. The whole word shrugged their shoulders at the Jack-Kate-Sawyer love triangle. Hurley is starting to grate. Claire won’t stop screaming about her BAY-BE! Jin and Sun have no effect on the main story. And are we really still in that goddamn hatch?
But Lucas, Spielberg and Crankypuss Ford should be vary weary of tarnishing their franchise the way the latest Mission movie did, and the way the beloved-Lethal Weapon series went out. Both of those films came out long overdue, were mediocre in comparison to earlier sequels and fans were no longer interested in the characters. While Indy is a canon character and probably more recognizable than Ethan Hunt or Martin Riggs, the caution still applies. The last Indy film came out 17 years ago. So the demo going to the movies the most right know (18-25) was at best a 7 year-old when Indy finally found the Holy Grail (But in Latin, Jehovah starts with an “I”). It’s entirely possible that audiences have moved on. Firewall tanked, and Harrison Ford has done nothing to endear himself to the movie-going public in the last decade. We all know how the fanboys think of Lucas, and Spielberg has had some tumbles lately (Munich backlash, Tom Cruise ruining the BO take of War of the Worlds). Moreover, despite all participants wanting to make the movie, they’ve still been talking about it for 17 years. I’ve personally read three different versions of Indy 4, with one being about Noah’s Ark and Indy having a son with Marion. We’ve heard reports of Kevin Costner signing on as Indy’s brother, that Indy would be fighting aliens at Roswell, that Harrison-squeeze Calista Flockhart would be playing Indy’s love interest and that the title of Indy 4 would be “Indiana Jones and the Opal of the Mer-Man Prince” (this was a joke made by Harrison to a nosy reporter). By this point, no less than 10 big-time screenwriters have taken their crack at the script (including Frank Darabont, Jeff Nathanson and famously, M. Night Shyamalan. No word yet whether or not the big twist would be that Indiana Jones is really a ghost haunting Shortround.). 
Let me be plainly clear about one thing, I do mean “stunt”, since Blaine long ago stopped trying to do “real” magic. Since when did unnecessary feats of endurance qualify as magic? I’m not saying I could live in a fishbowl for a week and then hold my breath for ten minutes, but if I did, I wouldn’t pop out and say “Ta Da!” I thought the guy was pretty cool back when he was suckering New Yorkers with card tricks, nailing Josie Maran, talking about it on Howard Stern and freaking out the Dallas Cowboys by fake levitating in their locker room, but now I just want him to go away. His work has been all diminishing returns. Pulling out his heart on the Carson Daly show was kick ass (partly because nobody saw it coming, and because he sold it so well). The coffin trick was sort of interesting in a “been there, seen The Vanishing” kind of way. The trapped in ice trick was fake beyond all get out, made even more stupid by the relentless media hype and subsequent (yet inevitable) anti-climax. But hanging out in a water tank for a week? Is this guy desperate for ideas or what? I thought the idea of sitting on a 22-inch board for a day and a half was thin, but a week of scuba diving? Who cares?
The Cast: John(ny) Depp, Orlando Bloom, Domino
The Cast: The Esteemed Mr. Keanu Reeves, “Free” Winona Ryder, Robert Downey Jr. and Woody
The Cast: Veronica Mars, some other people I don’t care about
The Cast: The Butterscotch Stallion, Matt Dillon, Spawn of Goldie Hawn
The Cast: Paul Giamatti, Ron Howard’s kid, and most likely “Mr. Exposition a.k.a M. Night Shyamalan
The Cast: Uma, Luke Wilson and Anna Faris
The Cast: Drunken Colin Farrell, The Actor Who Isn’t Ray Charles, Probably Not Don Johnson, Definitely Not Phillip Michael Thomas
The Cast: The Gardener from Desperate Housewives, Ashanti, The Actress Formerly Known as Mrs. Chad Michael Murray
The Cast: Woody Allen, Scarlett Johanssen, Scarlett Johanssen’s breasts, Wolverine and the dude from Deadwood
The Cast: Ron Burgundy, John C. Reilly, Ali G
The Cast: Nic Cage, Maria “Gets Nude A Lot” Bello, Jake Gyllenhaal’s weird sister
The Cast: Buzz Lightyear, Monica Gellar, The Comedian Formerly Known as Chevy Chase, “Kick Ass” Rip Torn
The Cast:“Mr. Bad Mutha Fucka” Samuel L. Jackson, That Nurse From E.R. Seasons 1-4, and a whole bunch of snakes
The Cast: Jay and Silent Bob, Rosario Dawson, Rosario Dawson’s humongous mouth
The Plot: The Outakst guys troll for some movie coin, after already over-powering the music industry with that insufferable “Hey Ya” song. In this attempt to cash in, the boys do what amounts to a two hour music video set in a club in the 1930’s.
The Cast: Hilary Duff, Hilary Duff’s big ass teeth, Haylie Duff, Haylie Duff’s big ass ego
