Vince Vaughn is arguably the most quotable actor in movie history (with Val Kilmer coming in a close second). In only ten years and fifteen movies (I discount his dramatic movies because, like Rocky 5, they were all a dream and never really happened; especially Domestic Disturbance), he has established himself as the go to star for kick-ass cultural-swinging dialogue. From “You’re so money” to “Earmuffs” to “Lock it up!”, his lines have changed the way we converse, the way we think and the way we speak. He has reached the point in his career where his every line of dialogue is a laugh waiting to happen. Vaughn has garnered such tremendous audience goodwill that as soon as he opens his mouth we are waiting to love what he has to say. No matter if he’s playing a scoundrel (which he was in Wedding Crashers) or a lovable loser (Dodgeball) or even an assassin (Mr. and Mrs. Smith), we cannot help but root for him. When Vince Vaughn speaks, we listen, and we love every word.

It’s almost as if he’s created a new language, one defined by witty quips and cutting rejoinders. Think about this for a second, if you had to create a new language, one that would be accepted across the globe and universally recognized, what would it be? It would be movie quotes. Everyone loves them, there isn’t a person alive that hasn’t adopted a movie line into their own speech (Mine is “You’re killing me Smalls”, and if you don’t know where that’s from than I suggest you press the little red “X” at the top of the window, because you don’t belong here.), and if everyone started talking in movie quotes, the world would be a funnier, more dramatic and more romantic place to live.

Like the English language deriving mostly from Latin, our new movie quote language has to start somewhere. If I were to choose, I would want our Latin to be Vince Vaughn. He’s the only actor alive whose quotes can be used for all spectrums of speech, and are widely recognized as some of the funniest, smartest and coolest in movie history. His quotes would and should be the basis for our new language. Let’s take a look at how we will develop our new movie quote language, Vince Vaughnese.

Most people think his quotes are primarily about scoring chicks, and that’s almost fair. After all, he is the man that brought us these gems:

Vince Vaughn On: Honesty (Swingers)

“There’s nothing wrong with letting the girls know that you’re money and that you want to party.”

Vince Vaughn On: Playing The Odds (Old School)

“Well why don’t you give me your number in case anything happens to my wife.”

Vince Vaughn On: Getting Lucky (Dodgeball)

VV: “There’s someone out there for everybody.”

Owen: “You think?”

VV: “Absolutely. In some cases, there’s two somebody’s for one person. I like to call that “the jackpot”.”

But look past his “Trent from Swingers” personality and you’ll see that the man is a treasure trove for lines about how the world could be made into a better place to live. Take for instance his stance on some of the major social and political problems plaguing the world today.

Vince Vaughn On: Gun Control (Swingers)

“People get carjacked.”

VV: “Who’s gonna carjack your fuckin’ K-Car? He’s right Sue you don’t need to carry a gat!”

Vince Vaughn On: Breaking Stereotypes (Wedding Crashers)

Owen Wilson: “Don’t waste your time on girls with hats. They tend to be very proper.”

VV: “Yeah? Well, the proper girl in the hat just eye-fucked the shit out of me.”

Vince Vaughn On: Exploration (Old School)

“Well, Columbus wasn’t looking for America, my man, but that turned out to be pretty okay for everyone.”

Vince Vaughn On: Spirituality (Wedding Crashers)

VV: “Do you know what that awareness is, Gloria?”

Gloria Cleary: “What?”

VV: “That we’re all one. That separateness is an illusion, and that I’m one with everyone - with the Prime Minister of England, and my cousin Harry, you and me, the fat kid from ‘What’s Happening,’ the Olsen twins, Natalie Portman, the guy who wrote ‘Catcher in the Rye,’ Nat King Cole, Carrot Top, Jay-Z, Weird Al Yankovic, Harry Potter, if he existed, the whore on the street corner, your mother. We’re all one.”

Vince Vaughn On: Acceptance (Be Cool)

“I’m just sayin’ if that’s what this is gonna be, it’s gonna be that.”

Truly, Vince Vaughn is a man who believes in a better world, and our new language should respect his beliefs.

And it’s not just social ills that his quotes can be rallied around. Raising children is an important part of life and Vince is no stranger to Fatherhood. He has spoken out on Family Values on multiple occasions, and those speeches have come to be some of the most influential words of wisdom that this world has ever seen.

Vince Vaughn On: Parenting (Swingers)

“Our baby’s all grown up.”

Vince Vaughn On: Marriage (Old School)

“Alright, let me be the first to say congratulations. You get one vagina for the rest of your life. Real smart, Frank. Way to work it through.”

Vince Vaughn On: Bad Language (Old School)

Luke Wilson: “I’ve had a hell of a day and even worse week. And all I want to do is get some fucking sleep.”

VV: “Whoa. Whoa. Why the F-ing? Why in front of the kid? All ya gotta do is say “earmuffs” to him, and you can say anything, “Fuck, shit, bitch.”

Vince Vaughn On: Family Life (Old School)

“I have a wife and kids. Do I seem like a happy guy to you, Frank?”

Vince Vaughn On: Having Your Mom’s Back (Anchorman)

Champ Kind: “I will smash your face into a car windshield, and then take your mother Dorothy Mantooth out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again!”

VV: “Dorothy Mantooth is a saint! You understand me? Dorothy Mantooth is a saint!”

So we’ve seen that Vince Vaughnese covers Family Life, Socio-political issues and Chicks, but it goes even further still beyond those areas. After doing some research on the subject I have found that Vince’s words can extend to the field of sports:

Vince Vaughn On: Physical Skills (Wedding Crashers)

“You and I both know I’m a phenomenal dancer!”

Vince Vaughn On: Knowing Your Own Skills (Wedding Crashers)

“John, I was first team All-State. I can put the ball anywhere I want to. I’ll make it rain out here.”

Vince Vaughn On: Water Sports (Wedding Crashers)

“Why don’t you try getting jacked off under the table in front of the whole damn family and have some real problems, jackass. Hey, what were they like anyway? They looked pretty good, are they real? Are they built for speed or comfort? What’d you do with them? Motorboat? You play the motorboat? [makes sputtering motorboat noise] You motor boating son of a bitch! You old sailor you! Where is she? She still in the house?”

His words can extend to the field of Physical Development:

Vince Vaughn On: Death (Old School)

“Don’t beat yourself up over this, Mitch. It’s not your fault. Dammit, Blue was old. That’s what old people do. They die.”

Vince Vaughn On: Getting Older (Be Cool)

“Nice ass won’t get you through your whole life. Once you turn thirty you better have a personality.”

Vince Vaughn On: Body Art (Wedding Crashers)

“Tattoo on the lower back? Might as well be a bullseye.”

And the field of Business:

Vince Vaughn On: The Entertainment Industry (Swingers)

“Everybody steals from everybody, that’s Hollywood.”

Vince Vaughn On: Business Tactics (Old School)

“He’s playing hardball. And I got to admit. I’m impressed.”

Vince Vaughn On: Party Planning (Made)

“Here’s what I’m gonna ask of you… We’re going to be spending the night in New York, so it worked out well for all of us. I want you to take it back to the business class, I want you to round up a couple of honeys… At our hotel room we’re gonna have kind of a pool party. California gangster-style, you know what I mean? Kick ass pool party thing.”

But who are we kidding? The basis of any new language is not how we speak about the challenges we face in our daily lives, but in the way we communicate we each other. The way we talk to our friends; the way we treat other people. Even before the birth of Vince Vaughenese, the traditional English language was adopting his quotes to use as definitions for friendship and communication. You in fact may have used one or two in the past. These quotes were the main arbiter in the birth of Vince’s language, the catalyst for the need of a Vince-specific method of speaking, and most of all, why we think he’s so goddamn funny.

Vince Vaughn On: Helping Friends (Wedding Crashers)

“A friend in need is a pest.”

Vince Vaughn On: Being a Good Wingman (Swingers)

“Look at this, OK? I want you to remember this face. This is the guy behind the guy behind the guy.”

Vince Vaughn On: Giving A Friend Some Confidence (Swingers)

“I don’t want you to be the guy in the PG-13 movie everyone’s really hoping makes it happen. I want you to be like the guy in the rated R movie, you know, the guy you’re not sure whether or not you like yet. You’re not sure where he’s coming from. Okay? You’re a bad man. You’re a bad man, Mikey. You’re a bad man, bad man.”

Vince Vaughn On: Betrayal (Wedding Crashers)

“I hope you flip your bike over and knock your two front teeth out! You selfish son of a bitch! You leave me in the trenches taking grenades, John!”

All good languaticians (I just made that word up) know that the specialized words and phrases we make up with our friends are what constitute a real language. Being able to personalize speech and create unique ways of saying ordinary things is what makes a language popular. This is how Vince Vaughnese will truly reach widespread, global popularity. For instance, if you were proud of your friend and wanted to tell him in a cool way how you feel, you could say: “Good job man, way to go. You’re kicking ass.” but that would still be kind of lame. Let’s see that same phrase in Vince Vaughnese:

Vince Vaughn On: Compliments (Swingers)

“You’re so money and you don’t even know it!”

And if you were at a party and somebody asked what you did for a living, you could give some boring answer like “Hi, I’m The Jay, I’m a stock broker”. But c’mon, really, wouldn’t the conversation be so much more fun if you used a Vince Vaughnese-ism, instead?

Vince Vaughn On: Being Who You Are (Clay Pigeons)

“I’m Lester. Lester the uh, molester.”

Moving to the most important part of language, communicating with the opposite sex, we find that this is the area Vince Vaughnese-ism excels at the most. It’s fairly common knowledge that in the last decade Vince has redefined the dating scene and male/female relationships. From changing the time men take to call women (“Six days‿), to what men call women (“beautiful babies”) to even where men go to find women (“All right, all right I’ll ask her. Miss, miss! Do you know where the high school girls hang out around here?”), Vince’s relationship-based movie quotes have established a new set of rules, one’s that will make Vince Vaughnese the linguistic touchstone for which all twenty-something’s will go to pray. Let’s take a lesson from some more of Vince’s views on sex, dating and relationships.

Vince Vaughn On: The Secrets of Flirting (Swingers)

“All I do is stare at their mouths and wrinkle my nose, and I turn out to be a sweetheart.”

Vince Vaughn On: Respecting Women (Made)

“Here’s 50 bucks, take this in case I get drunk and call you a bitch later.”

Vince Vaughn On: Enjoying the Nightlife (Wedding Crashers)

“Go out there and get some strange ass!”

Vince Vaughn On: Getting Over A Breakup (Wedding Crashers)

“She hasn’t answered your calls, she didn’t respond to any of your letters, she didn’t respond to the candygram. God only knows what happened to the kitten you got for her. ‘Cause she didn’t keep it, and I know you’re not raising the goddamn thing. I think it’s very obvious at this juncture that she just flat out does not wanna see you anymore.”

Vince Vaughn On: Obsession (Wedding Crashers)

“I got a stage five. Virgin. Clinger.”

Vince Vaughn On: Dating (Wedding Crashers)

VV: “Janice, I apologize to you if I don’t seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don’t like the feeling. You’re sitting there, you’re wondering do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking enough, am I interested I’m not really interested, should I play like I’m interested but I’m not that interested but I think she might be interested but do I want to be interested but now she’s not interested? So all of the sudden I’m getting, I’m starting to get interested… And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door cause then it’s awkward, it’s like well goodnight. Do you do like that ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and your ass sticks out cause you’re trying not to get too close or do you just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don’t kiss them at all? It’s very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you’re just really wondering are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions? Perhaps play a little game called “just the tip”. Just for a second, just to see how it feels. Or, ouch, ouch you’re on my hair.”

So now you can see that the language of Vince Vaughnese successfully covers all aspects of life, and if used in conversation can make you smarter, wiser, funnier, more confident and just plain cooler. But let’s ask one final question to determine if Vince Vaughn is truly worthy of naming and conceiving a language around. Does it make you a better person? In English I could describe myself in a multitude of ways, all designed to make me feel better about who I am, and more attractive to other people. Can I do that in Vince Vaughnese? Let’s find out…

Vince Vaughn On: Goals (Dodgeball)

“I found that if you have a goal, that you might not reach it. But if you don’t have one, then you are never disappointed. And I gotta tell ya… it feels phenomenal.”

Vince Vaughn On: Discipline (Wedding Crashers)

“Lock it up!”

Vince Vaughn On: Pessimism (Wedding Crashers)

“Please don’t take a turn to negative town.”

Vince Vaughn On: Labels (Wedding Crashers)

“I’m a cocksman!”

Vince Vaughn On: Standing Your Ground (Wedding Crashers)

Owen Wilson: “He lived with his mom till he was forty! She tried to poison his oatmeal!”

VV: “Erroneous! Erroneous! Erroneous on both accounts!”

Vince Vaughn On: Excuses (Wedding Crashers)

“Rule #76: No excuses. Play like a champion!”

I think we can put that question to rest. Truly, the language of Vince Vaughnese can do anything. It can help you find a boyfriend or girlfriend, it can help you raise a family, it can help you live your life smarter and come to accept the course of human events. It can get you laid. It’s the perfect language. In a world where movie quotes are the new social currency, Vince Vaughnese is the Benjamin, the high water mark, the only language you wanna speak. Besides, wouldn’t you rather sound like Vince Vaughn than just about anyone else?

It’s All Deadly!

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If you missed my Mid-Sweeps Network Report Card, CLICK HERE.

Six networks, 25 shows and a stocked TiVo’s worth of snark ahead of us. Let’s jump right into the network grades and show recaps, and I’ll see you at the bottom for a few Official TheJay.com 2006 TV Season Awards.

ABC

• Boston Legal– Too many guest stars, too many cast members, not nearly enough Bergen on Shatner action. And yet even though BL has turned into the new Will & Grace whore king of Cameoville, I cannot in good conscience hate on Spader, Shatner, Bergen or Bowen. And watching James Spader and Parker Posey go at it in the season finale was like geek candy, I could never get enough. Speaking of Posey, her race with Bowen in the finale was just about the funniest piece of physical comedy I’ve seen in years.

Grade: A

• Commander in Chief– How can a show this bad continue to get chances? ABC loves it, then puts it on hiatus, brings it back with a full press barrage, then yanks it after one episode and cancels it. And just when we thought we would never have to think about Charlie Baltimore as our President, ABC decides to bring it back as a two hour movie in the Fall. The show was never that good. It nearly killed Steven Bocho (And in only a couple months. Cop Rock couldn’t even do that!). And the ratings were terrible. At a certain point, say when C-in-C was getting crushed by House, American Idol AND Veronica Mars, you gotta just cut your losses. For the love of God, just cut your losses.

Grade: F

• Desperate Housewives– I just want to say for the record that I called the sophomore slump on this one. Any show that centers on catty women will always do well on initial release (heck, even Charmed was once a hit), and then slowly degrade into nothingness. It also doesn’t help that the show added too many characters too soon, separated the girls for too long and too often, and was never able to capitalize on the buzz or goodwill it generated last year (Also, simmer down Teri. We don’t need to see you in your panties on the cover of Vanity Fair talking about getting molested. Tacky, much?). I give it one more year before ABC pulls the show of Sundays and buries it on Friday nights at ten.

Grade: C-

• Grey’s Anatomy– Katherine Heigl owned that finale, despite the storyline being the very definition of ludicrous. Meredith gets more annoying, selfish and unwatchable by the episode. And Patrick Dempsey has become the unofficial “biggest asshole on TV”, right ahead of Jack from Lost, Leah Remini and Simon Cowell. And despite all of that, the show still brings it well. The writing is crisp and unique, the acting is uniformly excellent (led by the amazing Isaiah Washington), and it makes my Lady cry once a week. Basically, it’s a great show.

Grade: A

• Lost– Terrible for most of the year, downright unwatchable for any episode geared around Charlie, Claire or Ana Lucia, but really REALLY good by season’s end. The finale was the best episode all season, and maybe the best since the beginning of the first season. It was both wildly overhyped (Sure J.J., that really was the best season finale EVER in the history of television EVER! Just like MI:3 was the best spy movie ever. Same thing.), yet oddly satisfying, it that it finally gave us answers to questions we’ve had since Day One, and gave us a brand new set of questions to ponder. They finally admitted they screwed up with the Tailies, and kicked off the trouble girls; they settled the conspiracies behind the button, the plane crash, they showed us more of the Island (a foot statue? WTF, mate?) and best of all, they destroyed the goddamn hatch. For that alone I gotta praise the show.

Grade: A-

ABC’s Overall Network Grade: B-

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CBS

• Two and a Half Men– In the face of a nasty divorce, tabloid thrashing, online sex scandals and general public unrest, Ma-Sheen still takes care of business, making this show the number one comedy on ALL of television. Which basically means one thing… nothing can kill the Ma-Sheen.

Grade: B

• How I Met Your Mother– A surprisingly young, funny CBS sitcom that is perfect to have on either in the background, or watch in closed captions at the gym while you’re on the treadmill. So essentially it’s a funny show as long as you don’t pay too much attention to it. Which is a step up for CBS, so mazel tov to the eye network!

Grade: C

• Ghost Whisperer– They killed off Aisha Tyler! How you gonna go and do that to a former Talk Soup host? What’s next, Queer as Folk giving Hal Sparks AIDS and the TV Guide Channel canning John Henson? Pray for Joel McHale people, pray for him.

Grade: C-

• CSI:Miami– What do you think the over/under is on how many times this season David Caruso ripped off his sunglasses for dramatic effect? 100? 175? He probably has arthritis up and down his arm, after wearing down his “Sunglass Rip-off Bone”. That’s a medical term, by the way.

Grade: B-

CBS’s Overall Network Grade: C+

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FOX

• 24– RIP Pedro Cerrano. Even though you only batted .091 against the curve, you were still the best fictional president since Jed Bartlett, and that goes a long way in my book.

Grade: B

• American Idol– Dude, freaking Prince showed up. That owns! Even though the hated Soul Patrol won, and my McPhee-ver has finally broken, at least I got to see Prince do his thing. As Dave Chappelle would say, “Game, blouses!”

Grade: A

• House– I’ll admit I missed more than half the season (it was on opposite Scrubs and I don’t have TiVo), but what I did see, I loved. I liked that Cameron finally moved on from House, I liked Sela Ward coming in and screwing with House, and I always like to see Lisa Edelstein get screen time. My favorite aspect of the show is seeing actors I’ve liked in other places (John Cho, for example) come on and look like crap for a full hour. There’s no better role on television that playing House’s patient of the week. You get a big sickness scene, one big emotional confession, and seven scenes of you looking ungodly bad. Makes for a nice career boost.

Grade: B+

• The O.C.– My thoughts on this show have already been well documented, so I’ll use this space to list the five things I used to love about The O.C.

1. Bilson in the Wonder Woman costume.

1. Ben McKenzie challenging Ian Ziering as the oldest looking high school student in entertainment history.

2. Waiting for the camera to explode after trying and failing to fit both of Peter Gallagher’s eyebrows in frame.

3. “Welcome to the OC, bitch!”

4. Marissa Cooper dying in a fiery car crash. What? That was awesome, and I’m going to miss seeing it every week.

Grade: C-

• Prison Break– Can you really call your show “Prison Break” if all the characters break out of the prison? Don’t you then have to change it to, I don’t know, “Not Prison Break” or “The Fugitive Rip-off”?

Grade: C+

FOX’s Overall Network Grade: B

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NBC

• The Office– I gotta throw some love The Office’s way because they cast my old acting coach, Melora Hardin, as Steve Carell’s love interest. Also, it’s a show full of geeks about people acting geeky. How can I hate on that? NBC better not screw this one up, or let Carell go.

Grade: A

• My Name is Earl– The show lost some steam after a WAAAAY too over-hyped series premiere. I don’t think it’s strong enough to anchor a night yet, and there’s a better than average chance it gets lost in the Thursday shuffle of CSI, Grey’s Anatomy, Survivor, The OC next year. But one thing remains the same: seeing Jason Lee act every week is a pleasure. One I have no intention of giving up.

Grade: A

• Scrubs– OK, so maybe Zach Braff does want to be there. But for a while he looked more bored than me during my second viewing of Magnolia. And as much as I laughed my ass of at the season finale (Zoom, zoom, zoom!), the show went back to its stupid, futile gimmick of hooking JD up with a guest star. We know Elizabeth Banks isn’t coming on as a series regular, so why should I invest in her character or in their relationship? It didn’t work with Heather Graham, Amy Smart or Mandy Moore, three actresses I dig, so it’s most definitely not going to work here, with an actress I’m indifferent too.

Grade: B

• The West Wing– Here’s what I was happy with: CJ ending up with Danny Concannon, Will going to run for Congress, Charlie getting into Georgetown, Sotckard Channing finally getting her season one haircut back. Here’s what I didn’t like: A wasted penultimate episode of Santos and Vinick, no resolution for Toby and no scenes between Sam and Toby. Here’s what I hated: No resolution to Josh and Donna, Sam getting ad-pimped by The Powers That Be and then getting wasted with three scenes over two episodes, and most of all, that I’ll never get to watch a brand new episode of this show ever again. Oh well, at least there’s Studio 60 in the fall.

Grade: B

NBC’s Overall Network Grade: B-

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The WB

• Gilmore Girls– Don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, Hate Lauren Graham, don’t care. I wish The CW hadn’t decided to bring it back, because without series creator Amy Sherman Palladino, the show’s going down the tubes. Also, did I mention I hate Lauren Graham? (One of these days I really have to write a column about all the hateful celebrities who yelled at me while I was an extra.)

Grade: C-

• Smallville– Lex hooked up with Lana? Spike came in as Braniac? Aquaman didn’t get picked up? They killed Bo Duke? Brandon Routh made Tom Welling irrelevant? Lionel Luther is banging Ma Kent? Erica Durance got another FHM cover? Can I stop asking questions now? Did I even watch this show this season? The answer to the last one is “no”.

Grade: B-

• Supernatural– I’m sure I’ll start watching this show again eventually, but since The WB decided not to market ANY of their shows this season, cut their losses and just lame duck it until the Fall, I decided not to help their final ratings. Also, screw you guys for canceling Everwood. You pissed off my Moms, and you took Treat Williams off of network TV. The man was the Substitute, for god sakes! Show some respect.

Grade: C

The WB’s Overall Network Grade: D (Automatic half grade drop due to The CW stupidly deciding to renew 7th Heaven AFTER they had aired the season finale. You can only say goodbye once, jackasses.)

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UPN

• Veronica Mars– Uh oh… another question barrage coming… can’t stop it…. Here we go! Veronica was raped again? Cordelia was laundering what now? Wallace has a police daddy? Enrico Colantoni can kick people’s asses? Lisa Rinna shot herself on a freeway? Steve Guttenberg is still alive? Series killer Paula Marshall is Veronica’s friend now? Iceman from X-Men got it on with Veronica? Is this the weirdest how on television? Do I need to rewatch the entire season just to make sense of it all? Is Veronica Mars maybe a bit too confusing for it’s own good? The answer to the last one is “yes”.

Grade: A

• Everybody Hates Chris– The CW decided to bury this awesome show on Sundays at 7pm, why now? Do they have that much other content that’s better than this? Did we really need a 37th cycle of America’s Next Top Model? Did Beauty and the Geek need to get re-aired four times? What was it that made them think this show wasn’t good enough for true primetime? Was it the awesome critical reception? Was it the star power of series creator Chris Rock? Was it the fact that it was one of the funniest new shows of the season? Probably all of the above. Way to go, CW. I see you have more UPN in you than I originally thought.

Grade: A

UPN’s Overall Network Grade: B (Automatic one grade drop because these are only two shows on the entire network worth watching at all.)

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So here’s how the final network report card looks: ABC dropped hard with a sophomore dramatic slump, NBC stayed solid with their slew of quality comedies and look to have the most promising fall lineup (Sorkin’s back, Tina Fey’s on the way and the NFL is finally back on NBC). CBS is still old but is trying to get younger, FOX made some traditional bonehead moves (I still can’t believe they canceled Arrested Development), but they did some good to (They renewed The Loop, just like I said they should.). And UPN and The WB got married, killed some of their kids (RIP Everwood), resurrected a beast (You suck, 7th Heaven!) and decided that it was easier to suck as one network, then it would be as two.

I’m awarding the 2005-2006 Network TV Season to FOX, for 24, House, Idol, Family Guy and The Loop. Congratulations to FOX; I can’t wait to see what’s in store for the Fall. And now for some meaningless awards.

The “Official” 2006 TheJay.com TV Season Awards:

Biggest Shocker of the Season: Did they just kick off Chris Daughtry? You mean I get more McPhee? Suh-WEET! Peace out, bald guy! Go have fun fronting Creed.

Worst Shocker of the Season: Oh wait, you mean Henry Gale really WAS an Other? You’re kidding me!

Best New Show: My Name is Earl

Worst New Show: The Book of Daniel

Best Returning Show: Scrubs

Worst Returning Show: Desperate Housewives

Best Reason To Watch TV This Season: Watching Kiefer Sutherland yell at people. “WHERE IS THE FILE?” “TELL ME WHAT I WANT TO KNOW?” “DID YOU LIKE ME IN FLATLINERS?” TELL ME NOW!!!!”

Final Word on the Season: Wait, tell me again why that statue had four toes?

Bangarang!

Last Thursday, millions of The OC fans, thousands of Mischa Barton haters, hundreds of snarky entertainment blogs and a handful of Access Hollywood loyalists were stunned when the TV “newsmagazine” stupidly e-mailed out a press release mid-way through the day detailing the spoiler death of Mischa Barton’s insufferable Marissa Cooper on that evening’s season finale. Here’s what the e-mail subject line said:

ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: MISCHA BARTON CONFIRMS HER CHARACTER ON “THE O.C.‿ DIES AND REVEALS WHAT THE SHOW HAS IN STORE FOR FANS

The blogosphere couldn’t decide whom to hate more, Access Hollywood for blatantly ruining the big finale twist, or Mischa Barton for agreeing to dish the news. Even though she had been trying desperately to get canned from the show, no one could believe that she would actually stoop to the level of undercutting the show itself.

Let’s face it, The OC has been suffering for going on two seasons now. Horrible narrative arcs, badly drawn new characters, stranded story lines and the complete obliteration of the once geeky cool Seth Cohen, all contributed to turning the show from the rightful heir to the thrown of cheesy primetime melodramas (passed down from the ages by Dallas, 90210, Melrose Place, and Dawson’s Creek), to a pathetic mess that TRL-screaming teenage girls would run from. It desperately needed an injection of life to close the season and get people interested in coming back for the Fall. What better way to get one than by killing off a main character.

And if someone had to go, I would bet the cast and crew were in agreement that Mischa Barton was the perfect candidate. Rachel Bilson has become the better actress and the hotter property, and Mischa has turned into a complaining, incessantly late, poorly prepared pain in the ass. Absolutely no one wanted to see her and Ryan keep going at it, and since they ran off Olivia Wilde, Mischa wasn’t gonna go back to the pink. She had nothing else to do on the show, and it was the right choice to kill her off. Too bad Mischa lacked the good grace to let the show deliver its big secret and wow its audience.

She sucks for what she did, but the bigger blame should be placed on Access Hollywood. This went beyond bad form; they blatantly broke the rules of proper journalism by reporting on news that had not happened yet. It’s unethical to report events that the public has not bared witness to. And moreover, things like season finale spoilers mean a lot to a lot of people, and to have those spoilers revealed without given the choice to decide whether or not to hear them, cheats the viewers out of the viewing experience they deserve. Akin to critics revealing The Crying Game secret, or as Gawker pointed out, TIME Magazine spoiling the twist in Million Dollar Baby, Access Hollywood had no regard for the work of the production and creative team behind The OC, or for fans of the show.

It would have been one thing had they teased a potential spoiler earlier in the day, and then revealed the spoiler during their airtime, for it’s likely not a lot of OC fans would be watching, and would be blissfully unaware that AH and Mischa had taken a crap on The OC. But issuing a press release in the middle of the day made it news, so it was inevitable that the bloggers would pick it up, and that the major media outlets would soon follow. By the time the show aired in the east you would have been hard pressed to find anyone that hadn’t been spoiled. Even for a tabloid show, this was low. Hell, even E! News Live would have shown enough restraint to wait for the show to air on the East Coast (West Coast gets no respect. No Respect!).

So this pretty much sets the bar for etiquette and journalistic integrity in not only Access Hollywood, but in any tabloid, whether it be print or media. It’s a season finale spoiler today, a Blockbuster movie spoiler tomorrow, soon anyone that walks by a magazine rack or turns on their TV will be unable to avoid getting their entertainment ruined. That day will come. But until then, we have Access Hollywood, working overtime to spoil pop culture for those care about it.

And they won’t stop just because a few blogs got made at them for ruining The OC. Their days of rude, early spoilers will continue. It doesn’t seem even so far-fetched that one day soon you may open up your e-mail to find an Access Hollywood Press Release with these news bites in the subject line.

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: JUST MY LUCK STAR LINDSAY LOHAN REVEALS SHE DOES NOT HAVE A FIRECROTCH, BUT IN REALITY AN ALL-POWERFUL ICECROTCH, AND LETS US IN ON HER PLANS FOR WORLD DOMINATION
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: BRUCE WILLIS CONFIRMS HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY DIE IN THE UPCOMING SEQUEL DIE HARD 4, AND REVEALS WHAT TOUPEES HE’LL BE USING IN THE FUTURE
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: DAVID SPADE CONFIRMS THAT HE AND HEATHER LOCKLEAR ARE NOT IN FACT DATING, BUT THAT THE RUMOR STILL “KICKS A WHOLE LOT OF ASS‿, SPADE ALSO REVEALS THE PLOT BEHIND THE EAGERLY ANTICIPATED SEQUEL TO BENCHWARMERS
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: DA VINCI CODE STAR TOM HANKS CONFIRMS THAT HIS HAIR IS ACTUALLY A PREVIOUSLY EXTINCT FORM OF SEWER RAT, AND CONFIRMS HIS PLANS TO OPEN A CONSERVATORY TO SHELTER AND BREED THE ANIMAL
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: SAMUEL L. JACKSON REVEALS THE SHOCKER THAT THE MUTHAFUCKIN SNAKES ACTUALLY GET OFF THE MUTHAFUCKIN PLANE IN HIS NEW FILM “SNAKES ON A PLANE”
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: THE JAY CONFIRMS THAT HE NOW DEFINITIVELY LIKES RENEE ZELLWEGER, AND REVEALS PLANS TO CONTINUE HIS HATERATION ON GREASE REESE WITHERSPOON
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: DOMINIC MONAGHAN CONFIRMS HE WILL NOT DIE IN THE SEASON FINALE OF LOST, AND REVEALS THAT HE WILL CONTINUE TO SUCK ON THE SHOW FOR THE FORSEABLE FUTURE
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: WILMER VALDERRAMMA CONFIRMS THAT THE ICECROTCH IS AS DEADLY AS REPORTED AND NOT TO BE TRIFLED WITH, AND REVEALS THAT MANDY MOORE ACTUALLY HAS A CANDYCROTCH FILLED WITH GRANULATED SUGAR
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: JOHHNY DEPP CONFIRMS THAT HE WILL CHANGE HIS NAME TO JOHN DEPP, AND REVEALS HIS PLANS TO NO LONGER BE THE COOLEST GUY OVER 40 STILL NAMED JOHNNY
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: HARRISON FORD CONFIRMS THAT HE’LL HAVE A LOVE INTEREST IN THE NEXT INDIANA JONES MOVIE, AND REVEALS THE LOVE INTEREST WILL BE A HANDLE OF CAPTAIN MORGAN PRIVATE STOCK AND THAT THERE’LL BE A STEAMY LOVE SCENE BETWEEN THE TWO
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: DAVID CARUSO CONFIRMS HE IS LEAVING CSI: MIAMI, AND REVEALS HE WILL NOW IMMEDIATELY ASK FOR HIS JOB BACK BECAUSE HE HAS LEARNED FROM PAST MISTAKES
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: KEVIN SMITH CONFIRMS THAT JAY AND SILENT BOB WILL DIE A HORRIFIC DEATH IN CLERKS 2, AND REVEALS PLANS TO IMMEDIATELY BRING THEM BACK FROM THE GRAVE FOR ANOTHER GODDAMN UNNECESSARY JAY AND SILENT BOB MOVIE
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: BILLY BUSH CONFIRMS HE’S REALLY A LEPRECHAUN, AND REVEALS HIS PLANS TO BE THE NEW SPOKESPERSON FOR LUCKY CHARMS
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: OWEN WILSON CONFIRMS THAT HE IS THE REAL “BUTTERSCOTCH STALLION”, AND REVEALS THAT HE WILL ALSO ANSWER TO THE MONIKER “THE CHOCO-LICKING KITTEN”
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: TOM CRUISE CONFIRMS THAT FIANCEE KATIE HOLMES IS REALLY A SCIENTOLOGY ROBOT THAT WAS GENETICALLY ENGINEERED AT THE CELEBRITY CENTER LAB, AND REVEALS WHAT’S IN THE FUTURE FOR THE KATIEBOT 5000
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: BRYAN SINGER CONFIRMS A STUNNING REPORT… IN THE UPCOMING SUPERMAN RETURNS, SUPERMAN WILL IN FACT SAVE THE DAY, AND REVEALS HIS TRICKS BEHIND DIGITALLY REDUCING SUPERMAN’S GINORMOUS BULGE
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: HUGH JACKMAN CONFIRMS THAT WOLVERINE WILL SURVIVE X-MEN: THE LAST STAND, AND FANBOYS REVEAL THEY CAN NOW STEP DOWN FROM THE LEDGE
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: SOCIALITE PARIS HILTON CONFIRMS SHE IS THE REAL FIRECROTCH, AND REVEALS HER PLANS TO CHALLENGE THE ICECROTCH FOR ALL-TIME SLUTTY CELEBRITY CROTCH SUPREMACY
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: RYAN SEACREST CONFIRMS THAT TAYLOR HICKS WILL WIN AMERICAN IDOL, AND REVEALS PLANS FOR KATHERINE MCPHEE TO IMMEDIATELY CHANGE HER NAME TO KATEY AIKEN AND RELEASE AN ALBUM OF SHOWTUNES
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: SANDRA BULLOCK CONFIRMS REPORTS THAT SHE AND CO-STAR KEANU REEVES DO IN FACT END UP TOGETHER AT THE END OF THEIR NEW ROMANTIC DRAMA THE LAKE HOUSE, AND REVEALS PLANS TO MAKE MISS CONGENIALITY 3: SHAMELESS PAYCHECK MOVIE
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: JAMIE FOXX CONFIRMS THAT HE IS IN FACT RAY CHARLES’S ILLEGITIMITE CHILD AND MIAMI VICE CO-STAR COLLEN FARRELL CONFIRMS THAT HE IS IN FACT PERMA-DRUNK, ALSO THE NATION CONFIRMS THEY DON’T CARE ABOUT MIAMI VICE
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: MEL GIBSON CONFIRMS HE’S ACTUALLY CRAZY, AND REVEALS WHAT THE WORLD HAS IN STORE WHEN THE FORTHCOMING APOCALYPSE HITS. THE EARLY WORD FROM THE BRAVEHEART STAR: LOTS OF BIRD ON THE WIRE SEQUELS
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: GEORGE LUCAS CONFIRMS THAT HE IS THE ANTI-CHRIST AND REVEALS HIS PLANS TO BURN THE NEGATIVES OF THE UNTOUCHED ORIGINAL STAR WARS TRILOGY
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: BLACK EYED PEAS SINGER FERGIE CONFIRMS SHE IS REALLY A MAN, AND THE ENTIRE COUNTRY REVEALS WE ALREADY KNEW THAT ONE
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: PRESIDENT BUSH CONFIRMS THAT HE HAS SURRENDERED THE NATION TO THE ICECROTCH, AND REVEALS PLANS TO RENAME THE COUNTRY THE UNITED STATES OF LOHAN

LET THE REIGN OF THE ICECROTCH COMMENCE!

Bangarang!

When the news broke that Tom Hanks had been cast as Robert Langdon in the film version of Dan Brown’s unbelievably successful book The Da Vinci Code I was less than enthused. I had read both The Da Vinci Code and the far superior first book Angels & Demons, and had never once visualized Tom Hanks in the hero role. Maybe a ruffled Hugh Jackman or a nattily dressed Robert Downey Jr., but never Mr. Nice Guy, Tom Hanks. I could not wrap my head around the idea that he was gonna play an action hero (which the character was in Angels & Demons). Aside from a few battle scenes in Saving Private Ryan, I doubt he’s ever been in one action scene (I’ve never even seen him in a fight. Heck, I’ve never once seen him outrun a fireball, so how is he ever going to pull this off?). But then I remembered that he’s a tremendously gifted actor who’s surprised me time and time again, maybe he can do it; maybe he’s not such a bad choice after all. But then the first pictures from the film showed up on the net and everything changed.

What was that… thing on Tom’s head? That couldn’t be his hair, right? He wouldn’t voluntarily make himself look so ratty and greasy. I don’t believe he’d have such a catastrophic lapse in judgment. But I was wrong. We all were. He was going to play Robert Langdon with the long, ugly, unruly hair, and we would all just have to accept it (but also make fun of it). The internet was abuzz with Tom Hanks Hair jokes. It’s gotten so bad that Tom has spent most of the press junket for the film defending his hair choice instead of talking about the religious implications of the novel or the plagiarism case. Tom claimed that he hired a hairdresser who tells “stories” with hair. Ok Tom, but that doesn’t explain why you have oily doll hair that makes you look like the old guy still trying to pick up freshman at a Frat party. The fact is, the hair is bad, I know it, Tom knows it, we all know it. Excuses are great and all, but in the end, the hair is just bad looking. It’s Snakes on a Plane-goofy.

How could this have happened? How could Tom have stepped so wrong?

I went back and examined his look over the years and stumbled across a weird phenomenon. Tom Hanks has bad hair. Go back and look at his early career and you’ll see he has some of the worst chops this side of evil lesbian Rosie O’Donnell. But then, as if by magic, the hair got better when he started winning Oscars. And then it got wild again after he had got carte blanche as an actor. He’s had a tremendously up and down hair career. It’s as if sometimes his hair is in control of his career and sometimes not. Tom Hanks’s Hair (To which will now be referred to as “THH”.) is its own being, working independent of Tom Hanks the actor, to carve out a place in history for itself. A place where white guy afros are considered high couture, and poofy bangs are beloved.

If you look at just the career of Tom Hanks’s Hair (THH), it’s possible to find an answer for how in God’s name Tom ended up looking so bad in The Da Vinci Code. And I’ve decided to do just that. I present: The Career Report Card of THH.

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Splash

This is the rookie hair; amateur hair. Maybe THH had taken a few classes, learned itself some Meisner, but it was no pro. It’s too puffy, too young, too 80’s. Sure, it makes Tom look like the perfect “schmoopy guy who falls in love with a mermaid played by Elle Driver”, but it’s not the manliest of cuts. But THH was smart, and learned from this misstep. As it is with acting, you learn as you go along and you take what you need from each project. Clearly what THH learned from Splash is that in cheesy studio comedies, the poofy and pompier the better. In any event, it’s a solid hair debut for a rising star actor. Probably up there in the rankings with Tom Cruise’s sort-of mullet debut in Risky Business and Leonardo Di Caprio’s middle part straggly hair-look on Growing Pains.

THH Grade: B

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Man With One Red Shoe

Clearly, THH learned from its debut and utilized its newfound skill, because this movie welcomed the birth of what I like to call “The Hanks Fro”. An off-shoot of the Jew-fro (because Hanks isn’t Jewish), THH launched a full blown assault on the abilities of the widescreen lens. It probably took a 1:85:1 aspect ratio just to fit the whole thing in frame. I like that Tom seems unafraid that the sheer volume of his hair would cripple even the firmest of cowboy hats. And his bravery must be noted, too, as one light drizzle would send The Hanks Fro into a frizz disaster the likes have which have not been seen since the heyday of Adrian Zmed.

Tom used this look for a string of 80’s rise-to-stardom roles, only trimming the glorious mane when he had to play a cop (Dragnet) or when he had to limit the grabbing options of leachy Cheers-escapee Shelley Long (The Money Pit). The Hanks Fro was an interesting career move for THH, but not ultimately a wise one. The film tanked at the box office, though to be fair, not necessarily as a result of The Hanks Fro. But let’s face it, the look’s not doing anybody favors. The lesson here: You can go bigger, but not wider.

THH Grade: C-

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Big

Here’s where THH began to develop a bit of a Diva attitude. The Hanks Fro is gone, but in its place is a pseudo-Flock of Seagulls, kinda wannabe preppy look that is just awful. It may have worked to showcase Tom’s confusion in being a boy in a man’s body, but it did nothing to show off the talents of THH. He comes off looking like a nerd whose trying to be a politician, yet desperately hoping appears hip. It’s not working, and it’s a testament to THH’s belief that stardom was just around the corner. This was hair saying “Hey, look who I’m attached to. We’re going places. So I’m gonna rock the front bang curls, and not only can you do nothing about it. You’re gonna like it.”

Tom may have rode Big into box office success and the acting stratosphere, but THH gets bad reviews and maybe a Razzie award (merely as an ego check).

THH Grade: D

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Joe Versus the Volcano

Now here’s when Tom Hanks took control of THH. He realized that going long was never going to give him the career boost he needed. After all, at the time, Mel Gibson was rocking the long hair, Kurt Russell had the market cornered on action hero mullets, and the yuppies were starting to go shorter. There’s a scene in the movie where Tom goes from depressive-mullet Joe, to happy-short and trim Joe. Cutting his hair on film served two purposes, 1. It was a formal introduction to the new, preppier Tom Hanks, and 2. It was a sign that Tom was in control of his career, not THH. This film was the coming out party for what I like to call “The Signature Tom Hanks Look”. Short on the sides, slightly white guy afro-y on top and a bit of a bang curl effect. He would sport the Signature look throughout the 90’s, coincidentally the same time that he became the biggest star in the world (not to mention a two-time Academy Award winner). The Joe Mullet, the Hanks Fro and the Big Curl were all destroyed the day Joe Versus the Volcano was released. This was the dawn of a new era for THH, one that was presided over by Tom himself. One that would see THH going shorter and shorter until the Castaway rebellion of 2000.

THH Grade For the First Half Mullet: F

THH Grade For the Second Half Signature Tom Hanks Look: A

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Philadelphia

Not surprisingly, the first real case of The Signature Tom Hank Look dominating the screen and it wins Tom Hanks an Academy Award. I think the win was truly a sign that THH is stupid, and had no idea what it was doing in the late 80’s. Bad THH career decisions may have set Tom back a good three years. Who knows what type of business The Burbs and Turner & Hooch would have done had they not been saddled with The Hanks Fro. Tom pulls off the preppy lawyer look here with great aplomb, and then in a stunning follicle twist, goes completely bald and sports some edgy stubble. It’s a great transformation made exceptionally believable due to it being the first time anyone has seen Tom Hanks with his hair so short. It’s always a watershed moment in any actor’s career when we get to see their skull for the first time. Luckily for Tom, just like his on-screen persona, he apparently has the nicest skull in Hollywood. Tom’s skull is so nice it donates money to charities. It’s so nice it feeds the homeless on Thanksgiving. Basically, every part of Tom Hanks is nice (natch).

THH Grade: A

Procedures such as Philadelphia hair transplant should be administered by board-certified plastic surgeons in order to get the best results.

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Forrest Gump

Gun to my head, this is my favorite look for THH. The shaved sides and close cropped army-issue flat top completely alter Tom’s look and physicality. I saw Tom do Forrest on Inside the Actor’s Studio, but it wasn’t believable because he didn’t have the Forrest hair. That’s how good the look is; when the hair is indispensable to the character (much like Julia’s red curly hair in Pretty Woman or Ethan Hawke’s greasy Reality Bites goatee), you’ve got a classic hair character.

This seemed to be a turning point for THH in that it began to work with Tom, and not against him. The success of Philadelphia showed that shorter was better and in Forrest Gump, THH embraced the short. No longer did it resent Tom for the public shearing in Joe Vs. The Volcano; they were now one complete symbiotic persona, working together under a common goal: world box office domination.

THH Grade: A+

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Apollo 13

The Apollo 13 haircut is notable for finally finding a way to straighten Tom’s naturally curly hair. He’s again sporting a government-cut, but unlike in Forrest Gump, he has a lot more hair on top. No believable astronaut would have The Hanks Fro, as it may prove to be a liability in space. Zero-gravity does no favors for The Hanks Fro. So THH found a way to be high on top, but to go straight up, not all over puffy. It would appear that Apollo 13 was the culmination of all that THH had learned. The hair was shorter, satisfying the new Tom Hanks, yet it had the necessary personality that THH used to push so hard for in the 80’s. The film was a tremendous success and Tom again was nominated for an Academy Award. If there was a most improved hair award, in 1995 THH would have been a shoe-in.

THH Grade: B+

Tom and THH would continue to work well together for the next five years, again going military in Saving Private Ryan, going Philadelphia-style in That Thing You Do, and finally coming full circle with the original Signature Tom Hanks Look in You’ve Got Mail. It’s the happiest working period of Tom and THH’s career, book ended nicely by romcom’s with a pre-fish lipped Meg Ryan. Finally getting over their differences, the team set out and attained every goal on their list. Fame, money, acclaim and no frizz hair spray, all through the power of a good actor/hair relationship.

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The Green Mile

This is hair gone stale; gone soft. A toned-down Signature Tom Hanks look, one that would begin to define late-90’s Tom Hanks. We get the return of The Hanks Fro, but this time it’s maintained and horse-collared. It’s a diplomatic fro. While I like the throwback, and am glad to see Tom get out of army haircuts, I still think it’s way too boring. Is it possible that THH mailed this one in? It is possible, because everyone in this movie mailed it in. Wasn’t it supposed to be the quintessential drama of the decade? The biggest star in the world, directed by the man who made Shawshank Redemption, working with a script by the most popular writer in the world (Stephen King), adapted from a book series lauded by critics everywhere. The Green Mile should have been a shoe-in for Best Picture. But everything is curiously muted. All the right notes are hit, all the right emotions are met, but in the end, this is a film no one cares about and no one really remembers. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the first time in a decade that THH fails to bring its “A” game, the film falls to pieces. It just reinforces my theory that the key to the success of Tom Hanks is a harmonious relationship with his hair.

THH Grade: C-

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Castaway

Now this is more like it. Determined to reclaim its thrown as the biggest star hair in Hollywood, THH took control and delivered the best performance of its career. Castaway was THH’s Everest, and THH planted its flag right on top. From the awesome overgrown beard to the curly long hair (!), replete with sun damage and color problems, the whole look is exciting, sexy, dangerous and brilliant. And what a narrative arc for the hair! Starting out with the muted-Signature Look that Tom sported so poorly in The Green Mile, we all thought Castaway would be just another mailed in hair performance. But then the island sequence came, and knocked the hell out of that notion. That was Brando hair, Pacino hair, Liz Taylor Hair; it was hair performing on the top of its game. And then, in one final twist; Tom gets off the island and reverts back to The True Signature Tom Hanks look, cementing this film as having the greatest performance by an actor’s hair in motion picture history (succeeding the long standing champion of Carrie Fisher’s cinnamon buns in Star Wars). On sheer cinematic importance alone, Tom should have donated his beard to the Smithsonian.

Castaway was just what THH needed to revitalize its career and get its fans talking again. And the critics loved it. Tom was almost unrecognizable, and many would agree that because of his all-consuming look, that he did the best work of his career. In fact, so much attention was paid to Tom’s look that one could argue the global box office success of the film was mostly due to his radical hair and bushy beard. Tom’s subtle, powerful acting was a new high for the star, but critics and fans could not get past the hair. It was as if all of Tom’s work was ignored just because he stopped shaving for a couple months.

And like that, the war between actor and hair was reborn.

THH Grade: A+

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Road to Perdition

Another great Tom Hanks performance, another spiteful, arrogant THH performance. Just like in Big, THH thought he was better than Tom. Choosing to go with the high top Hanks Fro and an unfortunate upper lip only mustache (Who does THH think it is, Tom Selleck?), Tom’s Road To Perdition look was ugly American hair, too caught up in its own narcissism to realize how foolish it looks.

And you could see the tension in the film. Tom plays the whole thing dour and awkward; like he’s not sure he doesn’t look completely stupid. I’m not surprised that he was ignored come awards season; his wasn’t even the best mustache of the year (Daniel Day-Lewis owned that one with his mammothly cool ‘stache in Gangs of New York.). It’s entirely evident to anyone that pays attention that whenever Tom and THH are not on the same page, things go wrong. They get it right and its Castaway, they get it wrong and it’s Man With One Red Shoe all over again. Tom can never let his

No, it was time to put an end to THH, and Tom knew just what to do.

THH Grade: C

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Catch Me If You Can

How do you shut up the egotistical rantings of hair on an ego trip? You stick it under a hat and shave your face until the skin goes raw. Tom bottled up THH in this flick and was smart to do so. Finally comfortable again in his own skin, you can see the joy in Tom’s performance from the first frame. Like a shaggy dog that finally got his bangs clipped, Tom ran around in this movie independent of THH, and was back in fine form. This was my favorite Hanks performance of the last decade, partly due to a lack of distraction from THH. The real success in Tom’s career is when he plays a part where his hair has no bearing on the role. Whenever hair becomes an issue, THH manages to screw it up. In Catch Me If You Can there was no screw up. Looking resplendent in his black-brimmed FBI hat, Hanks gave a truly outstanding performance, filled with the type of humor, sensitivity and compassion that made Tom Hanks one of the most beloved actors on the planet. And thankfully, the hair had nothing to do with it.

THH Grade: B+

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The Ladykillers

You know what this is? This is “I’m Keith Hernandez” hair. Remember that Seinfeld episode where Keith Hernandez asks out Elaine and is so brazen about it because, hey, he’s Keith Hernandez? That’s what this hair reminds me of. Tom can grow the mutton chops, goofy beard and Col. Sanders hair because, hey, he’s Tom Hanks. Who’s gonna stop him? Who’s gonna tell him “no”?

And you know, I don’t think Tom foolishly let THH make the call on this one. I think Tom made the choice, which is why it failed so spectacularly. When THH chooses a look and fails, he only screws up Tom’s hair. When Tom chooses a look and fails, he screws up the entire movie. You can’t base a performance around a haircut; it takes the audience out of the story. And combine that with the weird accent and cadence, and Tom was itching for a failure. But he didn’t care. Because he’s Tom Hanks. Recognize!

THH Grade: C+ (for the effort)

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The Da Vinci Code

If you look back at all the major successes of Tom Hanks’s film career, you’ll see a common pattern: a unique haircut. Whether it was the Flock of Seagulls cut in Big, or the Preppy Signature in Philadelphia, the army cut in Forrest Gump or the Caveman in Castaway, the best Tom Hanks movies all have a follicle adventure to them. So why should The Da Vinci Code be any different? Sure, he looks like he’s wearing a wet rat. Sure, he looks like an aging hippy that smoked too much pot and doesn’t realize how out of date he looks. And sure, maybe he should just pull a Bruce Willis and accept the fact that he’s losing his hair. But who are we to say the cut is a bad idea? THH has made some bad decisions, but it rarely fails spectacularly. Maybe THH knows something that we don’t. I never really bought Tom as an action hero or matinee idol, but maybe the long hair is the right touch to make him seem more Indiana Jones and less Guy From Sleepless in Seattle. Tom is a great actor, maybe one of the best we have. In the end, underneath THH, it’s still a fantastic actor in a (supposedly) great movie. If we can buy twenty years of Sean Connery toupees, why can’t we buy Tom’s doll hair? I say give Tom and THH a chance. It may just be the last hurrah of an amazingly successful partnership. One final performance before THH is chopped up and never to be seen from again; the end of a great career servicing the talents (and the head) of Tom Hanks.

THH Grade: C

Bangarang!

1. What does the disappointing box office take for M:I 3 mean for the biggest star in the world, our very own Crazy Cruiser?

It means that the Tom Cruise we have come to know and expect on the big screen is gone forever. He can’t do another Mission movie, he probably can’t justify another action movie, it’s doubtful that we’ll still believe him in a drama (ala The Last Samurai), he’s never really done a horror movie, he’s too old for sports movies now and he definitely can’t do a romantic comedy. And TV is definitely out of the question. So it raises the question, is Tom Cruise’s career over?

We might be getting ahead of ourselves, seeing as how M:I 3 did $120 Million worldwide in its first weekend, which is a success by any stretch of the imagination. But things are definitely going to change. The sad fact is that for the last twenty years he has been a dependable, enjoyable big-screen presence, and now we barely find him believable as a human being. All his real-life craziness aside, the death of Tom the Movie Star is a much bigger blow to Hollywood that the death of Tom the Person. Because really, where does he go from here? He can’t go the indie route, because he costs too much money and he would drag down the merits of the film with all his personal baggage. He can’t direct like Clint or Mel or Kevin Costner (And who would want to see A Film By Tom Cruise, anyway?). Anything he produces that he doesn’t star in, tanks (Without Limits, Ask the Dust, Elizabethtown, Suspect Zero). So what else can he do? He’s got to find a way to keep his acting career going.

I think there’s only one thing he can do to fix his image: go into hiding. Just check out and disappear. Take a year or two off, quietly sign on for a well-written drama and then come back on the merits of his acting abilities. The tabloids are fickle and will happily move onto the next celebrity carcass. In two or three years Tom Cruise going batshit crazy will be as well-remembered as Julia’s marriage to Lyle Lovett, Free Winona or Halle Berry pulling a hit and run. We forget this, but he’s done nothing wrong. He hasn’t killed anyone, stolen anything, done drugs, beaten anyone up or had a huge public meltdown (couch-jumping not withstanding). It’s entirely believable that he’s going through a particularly bad mid-life crisis; an affliction many will forgive him for. And besides, short of him being truly sociopathic, a mid-life crisis is the only possible explanation for his bizarre behavior, anyway.

Nineteen years of good standing and tabloid and audience respect do not just vanish into thin air. The man is merely over-exposed and off the grid. If we can bring him back and dry him out, maybe we can get more movies like A Few Good Men and Jerry Maguire out of him. I still like the Tom Cruise I grew up with. And even though I’m enjoying the batshit craziness he has become, I do still cling to the hope that it’s all just one big joke, or one big, ill-conceived phase. Why couldn’t he have a Travolta in Pulp Fiction-like renaissance? The man used to be Tom freakin’ Cruise. He took down Col. Nathan Jessip. He saved the CIA Noc list. He won the Daytona 500. He flew fighter plans in the Gulf. He found someone that completed him. So who’s to say he can’t find his way back to us. Give him time, he’ll figure it out and in the meantime, we’ll be waiting.

2. They kicked off Chris Daughtry??? How’d that happen?

Easily, actually, as he’s been terrible for weeks, but nobody’s noticed because he doesn’t have any competition in his category. Last year Constantine got the surprise boot because he wasn’t as good a rock star as Bo (also because he sucked and had ugly, greasy hair). Had Bo not been there, Constantine would probably have won the whole damn thing. The fact of the matter is that Chris had been mailing in psuedo-rock performances since day one, never deviated from that genre and coasted mostly on his wicked side-burns and slow-burn delivery. When it was finally time to buck up and show his range, he revealed he didn’t have one. Frankly, I’m glad he’s gone. I was never wowed by him, either as a singer or a personality. I was never going to buy a Chris Daughtry album, whereas I will definitely pick up the McPhee-ver LP (Which should be called Katherine McPhee: All Moves, No Fashion Sense).

So with the favorite getting the boot, Idol getting its suspiciously well-timed publicity boost (hmmm…) and all the fans in a tizzy, who’s gonna win this thing now? I continue to believe that America is just dumb enough to give it to Taylor Hicks. Mark my words, in three weeks the next American Idol will be a spastic, manic, grey-haired twang rocker, who will promptly fall off the face of the Earth and then end up cutting the ribbon on mall openings in five years. Mark my words.

3. Will the Lost season finale be any good, or will it as most suspect, suck just as bad as last season’s finale?

It has the potential to go either way, but my gut says it will be a letdown. This season has been off its rails since the second episode, when the writers decided to repeat the first episode FROM A DIFFERENT ANGLE. They killed off all of the Tailies except Eko, making that entire season-long storyline completely pointless. We all knew Henry Gale was an Other, and got strung along for five episodes waiting for him to attack. Sayid and Charlie might as well be Central Casting extras. Jack is as petulant, selfish and pig-headed as ever. The whole word shrugged their shoulders at the Jack-Kate-Sawyer love triangle. Hurley is starting to grate. Claire won’t stop screaming about her BAY-BE! Jin and Sun have no effect on the main story. And are we really still in that goddamn hatch?

Yes, Mike coming back and wreaking havoc is cool. Yes, having Locke and Eko find another hatch is cool (and exposing the button-pushing as the fraud I always knew it was). And yes, a war with The Others sounds cool in theory. But there are so many problems and dropped storylines that I’m beyond frustrated with the show. The only way I’ll be pleased with the finale is if they do six things:

• Bring Desmond back and explain how he got to the island.

• Have Jack and Sawyer actually fight and kill some of The Others.

• Bring Walt back and explain why Shannon saw him mumbling in the jungle.

• Destroy the button pushing computer and just see what happens when the count ends.

• Have the giant Mechanical Mist Monster (remember the monster?) show up on the beach, terrorize the entire cast at once, and then actually tells us what the deal is.

• Kill off Charlie, just because.

4. Does anyone really believe this Denise Richards-Heather Locklear-Richie Sambora-David Spade nonsense, or is it all just an ill-conceived ruse to garner attention and US Weekly covers?

Ill-conceived ruse. You see, this is what you get when Tom Cruise doesn’t plan your media spin. What publicist in their right mind would cast David Spade as Heather Locklear’s rebound guy? What, was Rob Schneider asking for too much money?

5. Will Indy 4 ever happen?

Yes, unfortunately.

But Lucas, Spielberg and Crankypuss Ford should be vary weary of tarnishing their franchise the way the latest Mission movie did, and the way the beloved-Lethal Weapon series went out. Both of those films came out long overdue, were mediocre in comparison to earlier sequels and fans were no longer interested in the characters. While Indy is a canon character and probably more recognizable than Ethan Hunt or Martin Riggs, the caution still applies. The last Indy film came out 17 years ago. So the demo going to the movies the most right know (18-25) was at best a 7 year-old when Indy finally found the Holy Grail (But in Latin, Jehovah starts with an “I”). It’s entirely possible that audiences have moved on. Firewall tanked, and Harrison Ford has done nothing to endear himself to the movie-going public in the last decade. We all know how the fanboys think of Lucas, and Spielberg has had some tumbles lately (Munich backlash, Tom Cruise ruining the BO take of War of the Worlds). Moreover, despite all participants wanting to make the movie, they’ve still been talking about it for 17 years. I’ve personally read three different versions of Indy 4, with one being about Noah’s Ark and Indy having a son with Marion. We’ve heard reports of Kevin Costner signing on as Indy’s brother, that Indy would be fighting aliens at Roswell, that Harrison-squeeze Calista Flockhart would be playing Indy’s love interest and that the title of Indy 4 would be “Indiana Jones and the Opal of the Mer-Man Prince” (this was a joke made by Harrison to a nosy reporter). By this point, no less than 10 big-time screenwriters have taken their crack at the script (including Frank Darabont, Jeff Nathanson and famously, M. Night Shyamalan. No word yet whether or not the big twist would be that Indiana Jones is really a ghost haunting Shortround.).

With so much time, money, energy and bandwidth wasted on Indy 4, it might be time to consider how necessary the film really is. After all, part 3 was called “The Last Crusade” and ended with Indy finding the freakin’ HOLY GRAIL, re-uniting with his father and riding off into the sunset. How do you top that? Harrison is 64 now, and has long since passed the point of believability as an action hero. And the Nazi’s aren’t an attractive villain anymore (Done in, ironically enough, by Spielberg himself with his masterpiece Schindler’s List). The film is carrying such negative buzz and beyond-heightened expectations that in the end, what might be best for all, is to heed the advice of Dr. Henry Jones Sr.: “Indiana… let it go.”

6. Is there anything better to look forward to this summer than the return of Entourage?

Nope.

7. What will “magician” David Blaine choose as his next publicity stunt?

Let me be plainly clear about one thing, I do mean “stunt”, since Blaine long ago stopped trying to do “real” magic. Since when did unnecessary feats of endurance qualify as magic? I’m not saying I could live in a fishbowl for a week and then hold my breath for ten minutes, but if I did, I wouldn’t pop out and say “Ta Da!” I thought the guy was pretty cool back when he was suckering New Yorkers with card tricks, nailing Josie Maran, talking about it on Howard Stern and freaking out the Dallas Cowboys by fake levitating in their locker room, but now I just want him to go away. His work has been all diminishing returns. Pulling out his heart on the Carson Daly show was kick ass (partly because nobody saw it coming, and because he sold it so well). The coffin trick was sort of interesting in a “been there, seen The Vanishing” kind of way. The trapped in ice trick was fake beyond all get out, made even more stupid by the relentless media hype and subsequent (yet inevitable) anti-climax. But hanging out in a water tank for a week? Is this guy desperate for ideas or what? I thought the idea of sitting on a 22-inch board for a day and a half was thin, but a week of scuba diving? Who cares?

Apparently ABC does, because they not only continue to broadcast and subsidize the TV specials, but have already greenlit the next one. Nobody knows what the trick is going to be, but I have some suggestions if Blaine needs some extra brainstorm power.

• Take an IQ Test, then watch a marathon of every season of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, and then re-take the IQ Test. The trick is to keep your IQ above 40.

• Date the Holy Tabloid Trash Triumvirate of Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Jessica Simpson, then find a way to not contract a venereal disease (can’t be done). For extra bonus difficulty, throw in a one night stand with Tara Reid or a make out session with Natasha Lyonne.

• Climb a 300 foot ladder, reach the top, jump to the other side, and GET OVER YOURSELF!

8. Will any man on earth watch The View, now that Rosie O’Donnell is coming aboard?

Not any man who wants to keep his testicles. I’m not sure if Barbara Walters and the producers of this show are the world’s biggest man-hating lesbians, or if they’re trying to lure all of the most annoying women in showbiz into one room so that they can carpet bomb the set and win the Nobel Prize for Humanitarian Efforts. Either way, the male viewership is hitting negative numbers by October.

Rosie O’Donnell has gone so far off the grid that I’m surprised she’s even still allowed on network television. I mean, the supremely funny Sarah Silverman says “kike” on Conan just once and she’s banned from the Big Five for a decade and a half. Yet Rosie inflicted on us the inexorable “Riding the Bus With My Sister”, and she gets one of the most coveted jobs in daytime entertainment. I’m Jewish, and I’m still more offended by Rosie than I am by another Jew using the “K” word. It just shows to go you that Hollywood is a strange, strange place, filled with too many people that like to hear Tom Cruise called a “cutie patootie” at 11am in the morning. And you wonder why I’m so cynical about entertainment.

Good luck keeping your dignity with this one, Babs. I’m sure Hugh Downs is looking down on you from Heaven, so very, very proud of you.

9. Now that LucasFilm has caved to fan pressure and announced that the original versions of the Star Wars Trilogy will be released this fall, does this mean that George Lucas is no longer the anti-Christ?

Well, ask my friends this question and the resounding answer is a big fat “NO WAY!!” While I don’t think he’s the devil that all the fanboys make him out to be, I do agree that he is one of the most cunning, derisive businessmen in Hollywood. All those years refusing to release the OG version was merely chum to boost the interest level. And now that all six films are on DVD he needs another product to pimp. So what does he do? He finally agrees to release the OG versions. Millions of people will buy them, thank the lord that they can finally see Greedo shoot first on DVD, and Lucas’ll continue to rake in the kaysh. Then, a couple years from now, he’ll release Star Wars on 3-D, and everyone will buy that. Then they’ll complain that he only released the special editions on 3-D and there will be a couple years of him adamantly refusing to the release the untouched OG trilogy on 3-D. And one day he’ll agree to do that, too.

The cycle is never-ending. There is no way for every fan to be appeased in the exact manner they require, and George Lucas knows this. And more to the point, he profits from this. If all those screaming Comic-Con geeks would just calm down, ban together and refuse to be pushed around, maybe Lucas would stop whoring his films out in pieces. Maybe he would finally just release the Mega-Ultra-Definitive-Never Again To Be Touched-Use The Force Special Edition with every incarnation of Star Wars that has ever crossed his mind and ever will, and be done with it. But that won’t happen. And we all know this. Because he is (quite possibly) the anti-Christ.

So enjoy buying the Star Wars saga for the fourth time (and counting).

10. What are the odds that The Jay will make it through the series finale of The West Wing without bawling uncontrollably at the loss of his once-beloved TV show?

Exactly 7%. I love me The West Wing something fierce. It will always rank in my Top 5 Favorite TV Shows of All Time. And I will support the core cast in anything they do for the rest of their careers. I owe the show a proper send-off, and maybe someday when I catch up on all the episodes I missed in the 6th and 7th seasons I’ll do that. But for now, I’ll just say thank you and be on my way. Thank you to the incomparable Aaron Sorkin, Tommy Schlamme, John Wells, Deborah Cahn, Allison Janney, Richard Schiff, Martin Sheen, Bradley Whitford and Rob Lowe for crafting one of the finest pieces of entertainment that this online humorist has ever had the privilege of experiencing.

Bangarang! (And good luck, President Santos.)