Click HERE, to read Part 1 of the Summer Movie Preview Extravaganza!

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July 7th

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest

The Cast: John(ny) Depp, Orlando Bloom, Domino

The Plot: Disneyland needed another reason to remodel their Pirates ride and convince The Jay to waste his paycheck at the happiest place on earth, so now we get a sequel to the hit remake of the theme park ride (my favorite genre of movie). I’ll put a guess in and say the movie revolves around zombie pirates, Keira in a tight corset, Orlando trying to look suave and Johnny Depp kicking ass with his mouth and a sword, all while acting stone drunk. A hearty “Yearrghh” or two is probably involved, as well.

The Good: The trailer looks great, the new additions to the cast are great (Bill Nighy, Stellan Sarsgaard) and everyone in the world liked the first movie. Of all the trailers for the big movies of the summer, this one was easily the best. The shot of Johnny with six eyes and the nighttime shot of the fireflies was enough to give me chills. Is this really what we were missing all those years that Depp refused to do studio movies? We could have had kick ass blockbuster fare for years, but no, Johnny had to be indie and do crap like Chocolat and The Libertine. How important is your indie cred when weighed against your obligation as an awesome performer meant to entertain the world? I say get off your high horse and go star in Hackers 2: Bloggers United!

The Bad: I think I speak for the world when I say that we’re all a little tired of Orlando Bloom. And while I know it’s a bit sacrilegious, but I got a weird feeling that Johnny’s Captain Jack may start grating on people by hour three of this sequel. Here’s hoping he has a lot of 21 Jump Street goodwill still left in him.

The Prediction: $290 Million – Yearrrrgh!

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A Scanner Darkly

The Cast: The Esteemed Mr. Keanu Reeves, “Free” Winona Ryder, Robert Downey Jr. and Woody

The Plot: That movie Waking Life that everyone on drugs says kick ass but that I fell asleep to (twice) bumps into a remake of Total Recall and out pops this soon-to-be Keanu classic. In other news, Winona Ryder is back! And from what I hear, totally stealing the movie (pun intended).

The Good: When Keanu does sci-fi (The Matrix), he does it big. The supporting cast is the best in the business. Especially Robert Downey Jr. who after his superb comeback in the best movie of 2005, is back to doing his “talk crazy fast and make no sense but be interesting to watch” thing, which is always fine by me.

The Bad: When Keanu does bad sci-fi (Johnny Mnemonic), he does it real, real big. As much as I love the man who would be Ted Theodore Logan, the man has a tendency to ah, how do I put this… underact? Also, the Waking Life animation, while an interesting gimmick, was annoying enough for an hour. How will audiences respond to a two hour version of the gimmick, when it most likely detracts from the actual story. And besides, if I wanted to see Winona Ryder look like a cartoon I’d rent Mr. Deeds.

The Prediction: $37 Million – Whoa? Not so much.

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Little Man

The Cast: The (Blechy) Wayans Brothers

The Plot: The Wayans Brothers, in an attempt to turn off The Jay even more than was previously thought possible, manages to offend black people, little people and all the people in the world with this gimmick comedy gone wrong. Marlon Wayans plays a “midget” who pretends to be a baby in order to steal back a big diamond. Along the way are pseudo-hilarious bits where Shawn treats Marlon like a real baby and Marlon beats the crap out of him. Like I said, pseudo-hilarious.

The Good: The Wayans can do subversive comedy (see the original Scary Movie).

The Bad: But they can also do crap like White Girls. Which reminds me, HEY, stop watching White Girls. Why are you encouraging this kind of movie? It’s bad enough The Lady liked it, but the rest of you, pushing it to a $68 Million gross. Unbelievable. It’s people like you that are responsible for crap like Little Man and Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo.

The Prediction: Unfortunately… $57 Million

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July 14th

Pulse

The Cast: Veronica Mars, some other people I don’t care about

The Plot: Veronica Mars and Boone from season one of Lost get terrorized by a evil force that can kill you through video games or cell phones, or pagers or black berry’s or two cans tied with a string, basically any form of electronics. Also, probably, really good-looking teen stars get killed (But since this isn’t a Friday the 13th movie, they don’t even get to have sex before they’re killed.).

The Good: Kristen Bell was in the ultra-awesome Spartan, and for that she has my money for at least her next three movies. Also, if I get to see Boone die again on-screen, all the better for The Jay.

The Bad: Really? Another freaking horror movie? Is this really necessary? The fourteen we’ve already had this year wasn’t enough? Also, Kristen, I love your work and all, but stick with the TV. Don’t tarnish the legacy of Veronica Mars by showing up in crap like this.

The Prediction: $28 Million

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You, Me and Dupree

The Cast: The Butterscotch Stallion, Matt Dillon, Spawn of Goldie Hawn

The Plot: The Butterscotch Stallion, distraught that Vince Vaughn wouldn’t let him co-star in The Break-Up decides to nurse his wounds by shacking up with Matt Dillon and the evil Spawn of Goldie Hawn and make their lives miserable (but hilarious). Serves them right for Crash and The Skeleton Key, respectively.

The Good: Let’s get one thing straight, Owen Wilson is a comedic genius. Let us not forget he is, after all, Hansel (so hot right now). The man knows a thing or two about making people laugh. Even sans-Vaughn he’s still a beacon of funny. Now if we could just get him to stop doing Ben Stiller Buddy Movies.

The Bad: I hate I hate I HATE Kate Hudson. And Matt Dillon stills owes me for that One Night At McCool’s crap I’ve had to sit through on Comedy Central all those nights waiting for Eddie Murphy: Raw to come on.

The Prediction: $75 Million – The Stallion Rides Again

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July 21st

Lady in the Water

The Cast: Paul Giamatti, Ron Howard’s kid, and most likely “Mr. Exposition a.k.a M. Night Shyamalan

The Plot: It goes like this… Paul drinks wine, Paul whines, Opie’s kid shows up, slow second act, more wine drinking, more depressing Paul Giamatti, a kind of cool action scene, more drinking wine, again with more of Opie’s kid, strange sounds in the forest, boring climactic action scene, and then A TWIST!

The Good: Shyamalan can still do good work; that scene of Joaquin and Bryce Dallas on the porch talking about dancing at their wedding, from The Village, was an excellently acted and very well-directed. Plus, despite his pension for crappy twists, he is one of the few proponents of not showing the entire movie in a trailer. And for that small gesture, I’ll forgive him the ending of The Village, and buy my ticket for Lady in the Water.

The Bad: But we can’t entirely forget about the crappy twists. Or Shyamalan’s need to put himself in every one of his movies. Who does this guy think he is, Quentin Tarantino? He needs to tell a linear story that doesn’t cheat the audience at the end. Only when he does that will we truly know if this guy has the goods, or if he’s just cheating his way through Blockbuster Land.

The Prediction: $83 Million

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Monster House

The Cast: The Voices of: Steve Buscemi, Napolean Dynamite and Mr. Kathleen Turner

The Plot: A bunch of CGI pixels, I mean kids, try to break into a house that turns out to be a real live monster. Which is nice, because promoting juvenile breaking and entering is bad, but promoting child abuse is so much better! Good thing it’s only animation, where you can get away with stuff like this.

The Good: Producer Robert Zemeckis is one of the best in the business at creating family friendly entertainment that also has an appeal for older audiences (see Back to the Future, do not see Death Becomes Her). Also, the 3D in this movie is being used as a stepping stone / experiment for the kind of movies that James Cameron is working on. Anything that gets Big Jim back to the movies is OK in my book.

The Bad: This type of animation is still a long way away from becoming a viable alternative to the Pixar model. Zemeckis’s last attempt, The Polar Express, was fun, but the kids looked cree-PEE and not at all life-like. I hear the faces look better here, but it’s gonna take a near perfect pull for me to forget what I saw in Polar.

The Prediction: $117 Million

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My Super Ex-Girlfriend

The Cast: Uma, Luke Wilson and Anna Faris

The Plot: Uma is a superhero (which is actually true in real life), and is dating the uninformed brother of The Butterscotch Stallion. When Uma becomes too needy, Luke dumps her and begins shacking up with hottie (and awesome comedian) Anna Faris. Uma, using her superhero butt-kicking powers, makes his life a living hell. Sounds like every break-up I’ve ever had.

The Good: In case you hadn’t figured it out, The Jay hearts Uma Thurman. I sat the entire way through Prime just because she rules so much (And that was hard because Meryl Streep plays just about the worst and most obnoxious Jewish mother in the history of cinema. Even Lainie Kazan thought she was over the top.).

The Bad: Two problems here- 1. Director Ivan Reitman hasn’t made a good movie in 13 years (Dave), and more to the point, has made truly awful movies in that time (Junior, Evolution, Six Days Seven Nights), and 2. Tell me again why guys will want to see this movie? It’s about a psychotic ex-girlfriend, so who are they marketing this to? The women, who can feel some sort of girl power about destroying an ex’s life, yet who take a blind eye to the fact that they are all psychos? The men, who get to see two blonde hotties, but have to relive past break-ups and then have the whole “tell me about your ex” conversation with their date? I just can’t see where the tone of this movie becomes a positive. Sure, Uma as a superhero is a good idea, and one that is long in the making (heck, she basically played a superhero in Kill Bill). But I just don’t think anybody will cotton to see an overpowering female abusing her powers to destroy a man. Unless the ladies from The View see it, and then it’ll become their trumpet song.

The Prediction: $38 Million – This Superhero falls flat.

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July 28th

Miami Vice

The Cast: Drunken Colin Farrell, The Actor Who Isn’t Ray Charles, Probably Not Don Johnson, Definitely Not Phillip Michael Thomas

The Plot: Michael Mann got into his time-traveling Delorean, juiced up the flux capacitor and gunned it to 88 miles per hour, and is now stuck in 1986, thinking a Miami Vice movie is topical and necessary. But back in 2006, Miami Vice is really a grittier version of Bad Boys, but with a lot more production problems and terrible Colin Farrell facial hair.

The Good: The trailer at least, is unbelievable. And Michael Mann practically invented the “gritty thriller” genre. If the camera work is half as good as it was in Collateral, then the movie may be forgiven for its shoddy story and extreme miscasting.

The Bad: Is this really the best project for Michael Mann? After five seasons of the Miami Vice TV show, he does he really still has a story left to tell? What will be here that we can’t get in the DVD season box sets? I wish he had directed something more original. Collateral, Heat and Last of the Mohicans are such sweet flicks, so why would he waste his time on a sequel to a bad 80’s TV show? I just don’t get the need for this movie.

The Prediction: $95 Million – The vice is nice at the box office.

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John Tucker Must Die

The Cast: The Gardener from Desperate Housewives, Ashanti, The Actress Formerly Known as Mrs. Chad Michael Murray

The Plot: Three hot chicks realize they are all dating the gardener from Desperate Housewives. Angry that they’re getting Eva Longoria sloppy seconds, they convince a fourth hot chick to seduce him then dump and humiliate him. Along the way the fourth hot chick and the gardener fall in High School love (which in reality means until just after Prom).

The Good: Love the title, like a few of the hotties, am a fan of the teen genre. Other than that, yeah, I got nothing here.

The Bad: I’ve seen at the very least, 200 teen comedies. So what are the odds that John Tucker Must Die is gonna crack the top 50? Ain’t no way it’s better than The Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles, Mean Girls or even She’s All That. My thought is, the movie will go the way of Jawbreaker, and I won’t have to think about it until 2009 when it shows up as TBS Sunday matinee movie.

The Prediction: $23 Million

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Scoop

The Cast: Woody Allen, Scarlett Johanssen, Scarlett Johanssen’s breasts, Wolverine and the dude from Deadwood

The Plot: Woody Allen tries to convince the world he isn’t a pervert (again) by going a whole second movie without writing in a sex scene for himself and Scarlett Johanssen. So far Scarlett, though maybe not the world, is buying. Wolverine shows up as a romantic interest for Scarlett, but I bet Woody wins the girl. After all, it is his picture and it is his reality. Apparently in Woodyland, a girl that looks like Scarlett will always fall for a 60 year-old nebbishy Jew over freaking Wolverine!

The Good: Scarlett and Wolverine are enough to get me in the theater. And as much as I rip the Woodster, I enjoyed Match Point and hope this is the next step in a career renaissance for the acclaimed director.

The Bad: I haven’t yet bought into the whole “Scarlett as serious actress” thing, and two Woody Allen movies in a row doesn’t really help the matter. Also, I’m a bit concerned as to how Hugh Jackman will acquit himself. He plays an English lord, and if memory serves me, the last time he did that, it did not go well (Kate & Leopold).

The Prediction: $44 Million – Wolvie and Woody are a potent team.

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August 4th

Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby

The Cast: Ron Burgundy, John C. Reilly, Ali G

The Plot: Will Ferrell says funny things, does some funny stuff and drives a car. What else do you need?

The Good: When Will Ferrell decides to bring the funny, all the world is moved by his generosity. Such is my reverence for his comedy. My crew quotes Anchorman every day (I’m riding a furry tractor!), so we’re all anxiously awaiting the new Talladega material. Not to mention the awesomeness that is John C. Reilly. And the Ali G guy playing the Cary Elwes in Days of Thunder role? It’s like they made the movie just for me and my boys. If this isn’t the funniest movie of the year, than I’m gonna lose all hope in the world of comedy..

The Bad: The understatement of the year is that Will Ferrell as been spread thin these few years. It’s not so much that he’s lost the ability to make me laugh, because I haven’t. The worry is that he’s gone through all this material, and there’s no new shtick left. Two more hours of Anchorman-like comedy sounds great, but what else does he got. Eddie Murphy dropped Beverly Hills Cop, Trading Places, Coming to America and Raw on us. Four different types of comedy. By my count, Will only has three: Papa Burgundy, kooky SNL, and “oh my god why did I sign on to this train wreck of a movie” (Bewitched)

The Prediction: $85 Million

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The Ant Bully

The Cast: The Voices of: Paul Giamatti, Nic Cage, America’s Sweetheart “Julia Roberts”, Meryl Streep (again; Doesn’t she know how to say no?)

The Plot: A kid drowns an ant colony with a squirt gun, then in a plot twist only an animated movie could get away with, is magically shrunken down to the size of ant so that he can see what it’s like to be a strong little insect.

The Good: The voice cast may be the best of this year’s crop of CGI flicks, the poster is fun and relatable, and for some reason, this is the only CGI movie of the year that does not have talking animals in it. For that reason alone I’m on The Ant Bully’s side.

The Bad: Nic Cage voicing an ant? This could either be glorious like a mid-summer’s night sunset, or disastrous as a mid-summer’s day brush fire. The Valley kid in me leans toward the brush fire.

The Prediction: $127 Million

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August 11th

World Trade Center

The Cast: Nic Cage, Maria “Gets Nude A Lot” Bello, Jake Gyllenhaal’s weird sister

The Plot: Nic Cage and Oliver Stone remove themselves even farther from reality and actually belive their movie will be a tasteful, respectful realization of the heroic men and women that dies trying to save the lives of WTC workers. Somewhere in the world, the terrorists just did a small victory dance.

The Good: Stone can deliver an outstanding historical flick (see Platoon). And Nic Cage, when he decides not to be Nic Cage, is one of the best actors we have working today.

The Bad: It’s just too bad that Stone seems only capable of delivering terrible historical movies as of late (Alexander). And that Nic Cage seems unlikely to return to his Leaving Las Vegas potential. The whole shebang reeks of sensationalism, and will be negatively affected by the positive response to the recent United 93. How would you like your movie to be considered the bad 9/11 film? Not good times.

The Prediction: $44 Million – Not the memorial this country was looking for.

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Zoom

The Cast: Buzz Lightyear, Monica Gellar, The Comedian Formerly Known as Chevy Chase, “Kick Ass” Rip Torn

The Plot: Tim Allen grabs Kurt Russell / Sky High sloppy seconds as a burnt-out former superhero who is now a teacher at a superhero academy. Somewhere at the bottom of toybox in a little kid’s room, Buzz Lightyear just rolled over in his grave.

The Good: Tim Allen is not an entirely unappealing big screen performer. I like him in Big Trouble, the first Santa Clause movies, and I have nothing but love for Toy Story.

The Bad: This movie seems like a rip-off of no less than four hit movies from the last few years: Sky High, The Incredibles, Harry Potter, and X-Men, and I’m not the only one who thinks so. The producers have been sued a couple times over claims that they stole the storyline from other movies. That’s a bad stink to have on you at the end of a superhero-heavy summer movie season. Also, and not to be rude, but Courteney Cox is beginning to look like a dried-out Stegosaurus. Not pretty.

The Prediction: $58 Million

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August 18th

Snakes on a (Muthafuckin) Plane

The Cast:“Mr. Bad Mutha Fucka” Samuel L. Jackson, That Nurse From E.R. Seasons 1-4, and a whole bunch of snakes

The Plot: Oh, c’mon! hello, see the title of this movie. No plot description necessary.

The Good: This is almost too easy. Let’s see, there’s Sam “The Man” Jackson, there’s all the reported hardcore gore and blood and CGI, there’s the newly added gratuitous T & A, there’s Sunny Mabrey, and oh yeah, there’s the Snakes. On a Muthafuckin’ Plane!

The Bad: All kidding aside, it’s a movie about snakes on a plane. How good could it possibly be? Though the upside is that it may lead to the terrifically titled porn movie “Snakes on a Porno”, where the girls have to figure out what is really coming at their face, a real snake or trouser snake.

The Prediction: $137 Million

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Clerks II

The Cast: Jay and Silent Bob, Rosario Dawson, Rosario Dawson’s humongous mouth

The Plot: Dante again shows up for work when “He isn’t supposed to be [here] today!” Presumably, Jay and Silent Bob do some drugs, dance a bit and drop an F-bomb or five hundred. And in the background, if you listen hard enough, you can hear director Kevin Smith, quietly pulling the lever on a cash machine. Cha-ching!

The Good: Clerks was a seminal film of the 90’s, helped to shape my decision to be a writer and introduced me to some of the most creative uses of the F-word I have ever heard. Also, Jay and Silent Bob, for all their shenanigans, are still favorites of mine.

The Bad: Clerks 2? Was this really necessary? Didn’t the first one say pretty much all that needed to be said about clerks? And not to be stickler about things, but Kevin Smith needs to stop calling his movies “the last appearance of Jay and Silent Bob” if he’s gonna keep bringing them back. Don’t be a movie tease, it’s not nice.

The Prediction: $27 Million – Who else besides the fans did he make this movie for? He should think about getting some more fans if he ever wants a movie to gross more than $30 Million.

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August 25th

Invincible

The Cast: Mark Wahlberg, Mark Wahlberg’s ginormous maw, the slutty girl from The 40 Year-Old Virgin

The Plot: Mark Wahlberg tries out for the Philadelphia Eagles and ends up walking onto the team. It’s inspirational, as so many Disney marketers will try to convince you.

The Good: Wahlberg created and exec produces Entourage, so he’s ok in my book. Anyone that helped to create the character of Ari Gold earns eternal loyalty from The Jay.

The Bad: Sports movies are almost as played out as horror movies. Didn’t Remember the Titans, Coach Carter, Glory Road, Varsity Blues and Friday Night Lights all pretty much corner the market on inspirational underdog sports movies? Also, how is this not just Rudy done with a better actor?

The Prediction: $47 Million – Not at all invincible at the box office.

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Idlewild

The Cast: The OutKast guys

The Plot: The Outakst guys troll for some movie coin, after already over-powering the music industry with that insufferable “Hey Ya” song. In this attempt to cash in, the boys do what amounts to a two hour music video set in a club in the 1930’s.

The Good: The music will probably be fantastic. And the costumes are sure to impress. Let’s just not say anything about the acting. This movie has been pushed back a couple times now, and I’m sure there are reasons for it. But for now, we’ll stick with good music and nice costumes.

The Bad: This film looks more than a bit like a funkier version of Harlem Nights, a film that very nearly ruined the careers of two other famous African American performers (Richard Pryor and Eddie Murphy). Since those two titans of comedy couldn’t pull off the 1930’s club movie, how much faith should we put into a version done by a couple of funk singers?

The Prediction: $36 Million

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Material Girls

The Cast: Hilary Duff, Hilary Duff’s big ass teeth, Haylie Duff, Haylie Duff’s big ass ego

The Plot: The Duff sisters piss on the grave of Madonna (She’s dead, right? Oh, well, if not her than definitely her talent) by stealing her biggest hit and basing a stupid-ass teen movie around it. Doing everything in their power to out-act each other (which is like trying to watch Ashton Kutcher and Paul Walker out-dude each other), the sisters play make-up moguls that get into wacky shenanigans. The movie may be good, but nobody knows, since Hilary’s huge-normous teeth take up half the screen.

The Good: I get to make “Hilary Duff has some big-ass teeth” jokes for the next three months. Also, I dig the Madonna song, so there’s some nostalgia working here.

The Bad: If Alanis Morrisette and Hilary Duff ever tried to make out, the resounding noise of their teeth mashing together would trigger a 5.7 magnitude earthquake and shatter all the windows in the Capital Records building in Hollywood. It would be like that “LA bites the dust” scene in The Day After Tomorrow. The point is, there would be no survivors. Also, I dig the Madonna song, so Hilary better not fuck it up.

The Prediction: $24 Million – Nobody likes the Duff anymore. Long live La Lohan!

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And that’s a wrap on the The Jay’s official 2006 Summer Movie Preview Extravaganza! Enjoy the summer season folks, and I’ll see you at the movies. Just make sure not to talk in the theater. And turn your freaking cell phones off. Everyone at the AMC Theatres in Burbank, I’m looking right at you.

Bangarang!