1. What does the disappointing box office take for M:I 3 mean for the biggest star in the world, our very own Crazy Cruiser?

It means that the Tom Cruise we have come to know and expect on the big screen is gone forever. He can’t do another Mission movie, he probably can’t justify another action movie, it’s doubtful that we’ll still believe him in a drama (ala The Last Samurai), he’s never really done a horror movie, he’s too old for sports movies now and he definitely can’t do a romantic comedy. And TV is definitely out of the question. So it raises the question, is Tom Cruise’s career over?

We might be getting ahead of ourselves, seeing as how M:I 3 did $120 Million worldwide in its first weekend, which is a success by any stretch of the imagination. But things are definitely going to change. The sad fact is that for the last twenty years he has been a dependable, enjoyable big-screen presence, and now we barely find him believable as a human being. All his real-life craziness aside, the death of Tom the Movie Star is a much bigger blow to Hollywood that the death of Tom the Person. Because really, where does he go from here? He can’t go the indie route, because he costs too much money and he would drag down the merits of the film with all his personal baggage. He can’t direct like Clint or Mel or Kevin Costner (And who would want to see A Film By Tom Cruise, anyway?). Anything he produces that he doesn’t star in, tanks (Without Limits, Ask the Dust, Elizabethtown, Suspect Zero). So what else can he do? He’s got to find a way to keep his acting career going.

I think there’s only one thing he can do to fix his image: go into hiding. Just check out and disappear. Take a year or two off, quietly sign on for a well-written drama and then come back on the merits of his acting abilities. The tabloids are fickle and will happily move onto the next celebrity carcass. In two or three years Tom Cruise going batshit crazy will be as well-remembered as Julia’s marriage to Lyle Lovett, Free Winona or Halle Berry pulling a hit and run. We forget this, but he’s done nothing wrong. He hasn’t killed anyone, stolen anything, done drugs, beaten anyone up or had a huge public meltdown (couch-jumping not withstanding). It’s entirely believable that he’s going through a particularly bad mid-life crisis; an affliction many will forgive him for. And besides, short of him being truly sociopathic, a mid-life crisis is the only possible explanation for his bizarre behavior, anyway.

Nineteen years of good standing and tabloid and audience respect do not just vanish into thin air. The man is merely over-exposed and off the grid. If we can bring him back and dry him out, maybe we can get more movies like A Few Good Men and Jerry Maguire out of him. I still like the Tom Cruise I grew up with. And even though I’m enjoying the batshit craziness he has become, I do still cling to the hope that it’s all just one big joke, or one big, ill-conceived phase. Why couldn’t he have a Travolta in Pulp Fiction-like renaissance? The man used to be Tom freakin’ Cruise. He took down Col. Nathan Jessip. He saved the CIA Noc list. He won the Daytona 500. He flew fighter plans in the Gulf. He found someone that completed him. So who’s to say he can’t find his way back to us. Give him time, he’ll figure it out and in the meantime, we’ll be waiting.

2. They kicked off Chris Daughtry??? How’d that happen?

Easily, actually, as he’s been terrible for weeks, but nobody’s noticed because he doesn’t have any competition in his category. Last year Constantine got the surprise boot because he wasn’t as good a rock star as Bo (also because he sucked and had ugly, greasy hair). Had Bo not been there, Constantine would probably have won the whole damn thing. The fact of the matter is that Chris had been mailing in psuedo-rock performances since day one, never deviated from that genre and coasted mostly on his wicked side-burns and slow-burn delivery. When it was finally time to buck up and show his range, he revealed he didn’t have one. Frankly, I’m glad he’s gone. I was never wowed by him, either as a singer or a personality. I was never going to buy a Chris Daughtry album, whereas I will definitely pick up the McPhee-ver LP (Which should be called Katherine McPhee: All Moves, No Fashion Sense).

So with the favorite getting the boot, Idol getting its suspiciously well-timed publicity boost (hmmm…) and all the fans in a tizzy, who’s gonna win this thing now? I continue to believe that America is just dumb enough to give it to Taylor Hicks. Mark my words, in three weeks the next American Idol will be a spastic, manic, grey-haired twang rocker, who will promptly fall off the face of the Earth and then end up cutting the ribbon on mall openings in five years. Mark my words.

3. Will the Lost season finale be any good, or will it as most suspect, suck just as bad as last season’s finale?

It has the potential to go either way, but my gut says it will be a letdown. This season has been off its rails since the second episode, when the writers decided to repeat the first episode FROM A DIFFERENT ANGLE. They killed off all of the Tailies except Eko, making that entire season-long storyline completely pointless. We all knew Henry Gale was an Other, and got strung along for five episodes waiting for him to attack. Sayid and Charlie might as well be Central Casting extras. Jack is as petulant, selfish and pig-headed as ever. The whole word shrugged their shoulders at the Jack-Kate-Sawyer love triangle. Hurley is starting to grate. Claire won’t stop screaming about her BAY-BE! Jin and Sun have no effect on the main story. And are we really still in that goddamn hatch?

Yes, Mike coming back and wreaking havoc is cool. Yes, having Locke and Eko find another hatch is cool (and exposing the button-pushing as the fraud I always knew it was). And yes, a war with The Others sounds cool in theory. But there are so many problems and dropped storylines that I’m beyond frustrated with the show. The only way I’ll be pleased with the finale is if they do six things:

• Bring Desmond back and explain how he got to the island.

• Have Jack and Sawyer actually fight and kill some of The Others.

• Bring Walt back and explain why Shannon saw him mumbling in the jungle.

• Destroy the button pushing computer and just see what happens when the count ends.

• Have the giant Mechanical Mist Monster (remember the monster?) show up on the beach, terrorize the entire cast at once, and then actually tells us what the deal is.

• Kill off Charlie, just because.

4. Does anyone really believe this Denise Richards-Heather Locklear-Richie Sambora-David Spade nonsense, or is it all just an ill-conceived ruse to garner attention and US Weekly covers?

Ill-conceived ruse. You see, this is what you get when Tom Cruise doesn’t plan your media spin. What publicist in their right mind would cast David Spade as Heather Locklear’s rebound guy? What, was Rob Schneider asking for too much money?

5. Will Indy 4 ever happen?

Yes, unfortunately.

But Lucas, Spielberg and Crankypuss Ford should be vary weary of tarnishing their franchise the way the latest Mission movie did, and the way the beloved-Lethal Weapon series went out. Both of those films came out long overdue, were mediocre in comparison to earlier sequels and fans were no longer interested in the characters. While Indy is a canon character and probably more recognizable than Ethan Hunt or Martin Riggs, the caution still applies. The last Indy film came out 17 years ago. So the demo going to the movies the most right know (18-25) was at best a 7 year-old when Indy finally found the Holy Grail (But in Latin, Jehovah starts with an “I”). It’s entirely possible that audiences have moved on. Firewall tanked, and Harrison Ford has done nothing to endear himself to the movie-going public in the last decade. We all know how the fanboys think of Lucas, and Spielberg has had some tumbles lately (Munich backlash, Tom Cruise ruining the BO take of War of the Worlds). Moreover, despite all participants wanting to make the movie, they’ve still been talking about it for 17 years. I’ve personally read three different versions of Indy 4, with one being about Noah’s Ark and Indy having a son with Marion. We’ve heard reports of Kevin Costner signing on as Indy’s brother, that Indy would be fighting aliens at Roswell, that Harrison-squeeze Calista Flockhart would be playing Indy’s love interest and that the title of Indy 4 would be “Indiana Jones and the Opal of the Mer-Man Prince” (this was a joke made by Harrison to a nosy reporter). By this point, no less than 10 big-time screenwriters have taken their crack at the script (including Frank Darabont, Jeff Nathanson and famously, M. Night Shyamalan. No word yet whether or not the big twist would be that Indiana Jones is really a ghost haunting Shortround.).

With so much time, money, energy and bandwidth wasted on Indy 4, it might be time to consider how necessary the film really is. After all, part 3 was called “The Last Crusade” and ended with Indy finding the freakin’ HOLY GRAIL, re-uniting with his father and riding off into the sunset. How do you top that? Harrison is 64 now, and has long since passed the point of believability as an action hero. And the Nazi’s aren’t an attractive villain anymore (Done in, ironically enough, by Spielberg himself with his masterpiece Schindler’s List). The film is carrying such negative buzz and beyond-heightened expectations that in the end, what might be best for all, is to heed the advice of Dr. Henry Jones Sr.: “Indiana… let it go.”

6. Is there anything better to look forward to this summer than the return of Entourage?

Nope.

7. What will “magician” David Blaine choose as his next publicity stunt?

Let me be plainly clear about one thing, I do mean “stunt”, since Blaine long ago stopped trying to do “real” magic. Since when did unnecessary feats of endurance qualify as magic? I’m not saying I could live in a fishbowl for a week and then hold my breath for ten minutes, but if I did, I wouldn’t pop out and say “Ta Da!” I thought the guy was pretty cool back when he was suckering New Yorkers with card tricks, nailing Josie Maran, talking about it on Howard Stern and freaking out the Dallas Cowboys by fake levitating in their locker room, but now I just want him to go away. His work has been all diminishing returns. Pulling out his heart on the Carson Daly show was kick ass (partly because nobody saw it coming, and because he sold it so well). The coffin trick was sort of interesting in a “been there, seen The Vanishing” kind of way. The trapped in ice trick was fake beyond all get out, made even more stupid by the relentless media hype and subsequent (yet inevitable) anti-climax. But hanging out in a water tank for a week? Is this guy desperate for ideas or what? I thought the idea of sitting on a 22-inch board for a day and a half was thin, but a week of scuba diving? Who cares?

Apparently ABC does, because they not only continue to broadcast and subsidize the TV specials, but have already greenlit the next one. Nobody knows what the trick is going to be, but I have some suggestions if Blaine needs some extra brainstorm power.

• Take an IQ Test, then watch a marathon of every season of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, and then re-take the IQ Test. The trick is to keep your IQ above 40.

• Date the Holy Tabloid Trash Triumvirate of Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Jessica Simpson, then find a way to not contract a venereal disease (can’t be done). For extra bonus difficulty, throw in a one night stand with Tara Reid or a make out session with Natasha Lyonne.

• Climb a 300 foot ladder, reach the top, jump to the other side, and GET OVER YOURSELF!

8. Will any man on earth watch The View, now that Rosie O’Donnell is coming aboard?

Not any man who wants to keep his testicles. I’m not sure if Barbara Walters and the producers of this show are the world’s biggest man-hating lesbians, or if they’re trying to lure all of the most annoying women in showbiz into one room so that they can carpet bomb the set and win the Nobel Prize for Humanitarian Efforts. Either way, the male viewership is hitting negative numbers by October.

Rosie O’Donnell has gone so far off the grid that I’m surprised she’s even still allowed on network television. I mean, the supremely funny Sarah Silverman says “kike” on Conan just once and she’s banned from the Big Five for a decade and a half. Yet Rosie inflicted on us the inexorable “Riding the Bus With My Sister”, and she gets one of the most coveted jobs in daytime entertainment. I’m Jewish, and I’m still more offended by Rosie than I am by another Jew using the “K” word. It just shows to go you that Hollywood is a strange, strange place, filled with too many people that like to hear Tom Cruise called a “cutie patootie” at 11am in the morning. And you wonder why I’m so cynical about entertainment.

Good luck keeping your dignity with this one, Babs. I’m sure Hugh Downs is looking down on you from Heaven, so very, very proud of you.

9. Now that LucasFilm has caved to fan pressure and announced that the original versions of the Star Wars Trilogy will be released this fall, does this mean that George Lucas is no longer the anti-Christ?

Well, ask my friends this question and the resounding answer is a big fat “NO WAY!!” While I don’t think he’s the devil that all the fanboys make him out to be, I do agree that he is one of the most cunning, derisive businessmen in Hollywood. All those years refusing to release the OG version was merely chum to boost the interest level. And now that all six films are on DVD he needs another product to pimp. So what does he do? He finally agrees to release the OG versions. Millions of people will buy them, thank the lord that they can finally see Greedo shoot first on DVD, and Lucas’ll continue to rake in the kaysh. Then, a couple years from now, he’ll release Star Wars on 3-D, and everyone will buy that. Then they’ll complain that he only released the special editions on 3-D and there will be a couple years of him adamantly refusing to the release the untouched OG trilogy on 3-D. And one day he’ll agree to do that, too.

The cycle is never-ending. There is no way for every fan to be appeased in the exact manner they require, and George Lucas knows this. And more to the point, he profits from this. If all those screaming Comic-Con geeks would just calm down, ban together and refuse to be pushed around, maybe Lucas would stop whoring his films out in pieces. Maybe he would finally just release the Mega-Ultra-Definitive-Never Again To Be Touched-Use The Force Special Edition with every incarnation of Star Wars that has ever crossed his mind and ever will, and be done with it. But that won’t happen. And we all know this. Because he is (quite possibly) the anti-Christ.

So enjoy buying the Star Wars saga for the fourth time (and counting).

10. What are the odds that The Jay will make it through the series finale of The West Wing without bawling uncontrollably at the loss of his once-beloved TV show?

Exactly 7%. I love me The West Wing something fierce. It will always rank in my Top 5 Favorite TV Shows of All Time. And I will support the core cast in anything they do for the rest of their careers. I owe the show a proper send-off, and maybe someday when I catch up on all the episodes I missed in the 6th and 7th seasons I’ll do that. But for now, I’ll just say thank you and be on my way. Thank you to the incomparable Aaron Sorkin, Tommy Schlamme, John Wells, Deborah Cahn, Allison Janney, Richard Schiff, Martin Sheen, Bradley Whitford and Rob Lowe for crafting one of the finest pieces of entertainment that this online humorist has ever had the privilege of experiencing.

Bangarang! (And good luck, President Santos.)