Grading the Career of Tom Hanks’s Hair

When the news broke that Tom Hanks had been cast as Robert Langdon in the film version of Dan Brown’s unbelievably successful book The Da Vinci Code I was less than enthused. I had read both The Da Vinci Code and the far superior first book Angels & Demons, and had never once visualized Tom Hanks in the hero role. Maybe a ruffled Hugh Jackman or a nattily dressed Robert Downey Jr., but never Mr. Nice Guy, Tom Hanks. I could not wrap my head around the idea that he was gonna play an action hero (which the character was in Angels & Demons). Aside from a few battle scenes in Saving Private Ryan, I doubt he’s ever been in one action scene (I’ve never even seen him in a fight. Heck, I’ve never once seen him outrun a fireball, so how is he ever going to pull this off?). But then I remembered that he’s a tremendously gifted actor who’s surprised me time and time again, maybe he can do it; maybe he’s not such a bad choice after all. But then the first pictures from the film showed up on the net and everything changed.

What was that… thing on Tom’s head? That couldn’t be his hair, right? He wouldn’t voluntarily make himself look so ratty and greasy. I don’t believe he’d have such a catastrophic lapse in judgment. But I was wrong. We all were. He was going to play Robert Langdon with the long, ugly, unruly hair, and we would all just have to accept it (but also make fun of it). The internet was abuzz with Tom Hanks Hair jokes. It’s gotten so bad that Tom has spent most of the press junket for the film defending his hair choice instead of talking about the religious implications of the novel or the plagiarism case. Tom claimed that he hired a hairdresser who tells “stories” with hair. Ok Tom, but that doesn’t explain why you have oily doll hair that makes you look like the old guy still trying to pick up freshman at a Frat party. The fact is, the hair is bad, I know it, Tom knows it, we all know it. Excuses are great and all, but in the end, the hair is just bad looking. It’s Snakes on a Plane-goofy.

How could this have happened? How could Tom have stepped so wrong?

I went back and examined his look over the years and stumbled across a weird phenomenon. Tom Hanks has bad hair. Go back and look at his early career and you’ll see he has some of the worst chops this side of evil lesbian Rosie O’Donnell. But then, as if by magic, the hair got better when he started winning Oscars. And then it got wild again after he had got carte blanche as an actor. He’s had a tremendously up and down hair career. It’s as if sometimes his hair is in control of his career and sometimes not. Tom Hanks’s Hair (To which will now be referred to as “THH”.) is its own being, working independent of Tom Hanks the actor, to carve out a place in history for itself. A place where white guy afros are considered high couture, and poofy bangs are beloved.

If you look at just the career of Tom Hanks’s Hair (THH), it’s possible to find an answer for how in God’s name Tom ended up looking so bad in The Da Vinci Code. And I’ve decided to do just that. I present: The Career Report Card of THH.

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Splash

This is the rookie hair; amateur hair. Maybe THH had taken a few classes, learned itself some Meisner, but it was no pro. It’s too puffy, too young, too 80’s. Sure, it makes Tom look like the perfect “schmoopy guy who falls in love with a mermaid played by Elle Driver”, but it’s not the manliest of cuts. But THH was smart, and learned from this misstep. As it is with acting, you learn as you go along and you take what you need from each project. Clearly what THH learned from Splash is that in cheesy studio comedies, the poofy and pompier the better. In any event, it’s a solid hair debut for a rising star actor. Probably up there in the rankings with Tom Cruise’s sort-of mullet debut in Risky Business and Leonardo Di Caprio’s middle part straggly hair-look on Growing Pains.

THH Grade: B

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Man With One Red Shoe

Clearly, THH learned from its debut and utilized its newfound skill, because this movie welcomed the birth of what I like to call “The Hanks Fro”. An off-shoot of the Jew-fro (because Hanks isn’t Jewish), THH launched a full blown assault on the abilities of the widescreen lens. It probably took a 1:85:1 aspect ratio just to fit the whole thing in frame. I like that Tom seems unafraid that the sheer volume of his hair would cripple even the firmest of cowboy hats. And his bravery must be noted, too, as one light drizzle would send The Hanks Fro into a frizz disaster the likes have which have not been seen since the heyday of Adrian Zmed.

Tom used this look for a string of 80’s rise-to-stardom roles, only trimming the glorious mane when he had to play a cop (Dragnet) or when he had to limit the grabbing options of leachy Cheers-escapee Shelley Long (The Money Pit). The Hanks Fro was an interesting career move for THH, but not ultimately a wise one. The film tanked at the box office, though to be fair, not necessarily as a result of The Hanks Fro. But let’s face it, the look’s not doing anybody favors. The lesson here: You can go bigger, but not wider.

THH Grade: C-

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Big

Here’s where THH began to develop a bit of a Diva attitude. The Hanks Fro is gone, but in its place is a pseudo-Flock of Seagulls, kinda wannabe preppy look that is just awful. It may have worked to showcase Tom’s confusion in being a boy in a man’s body, but it did nothing to show off the talents of THH. He comes off looking like a nerd whose trying to be a politician, yet desperately hoping appears hip. It’s not working, and it’s a testament to THH’s belief that stardom was just around the corner. This was hair saying “Hey, look who I’m attached to. We’re going places. So I’m gonna rock the front bang curls, and not only can you do nothing about it. You’re gonna like it.”

Tom may have rode Big into box office success and the acting stratosphere, but THH gets bad reviews and maybe a Razzie award (merely as an ego check).

THH Grade: D

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Joe Versus the Volcano

Now here’s when Tom Hanks took control of THH. He realized that going long was never going to give him the career boost he needed. After all, at the time, Mel Gibson was rocking the long hair, Kurt Russell had the market cornered on action hero mullets, and the yuppies were starting to go shorter. There’s a scene in the movie where Tom goes from depressive-mullet Joe, to happy-short and trim Joe. Cutting his hair on film served two purposes, 1. It was a formal introduction to the new, preppier Tom Hanks, and 2. It was a sign that Tom was in control of his career, not THH. This film was the coming out party for what I like to call “The Signature Tom Hanks Look”. Short on the sides, slightly white guy afro-y on top and a bit of a bang curl effect. He would sport the Signature look throughout the 90’s, coincidentally the same time that he became the biggest star in the world (not to mention a two-time Academy Award winner). The Joe Mullet, the Hanks Fro and the Big Curl were all destroyed the day Joe Versus the Volcano was released. This was the dawn of a new era for THH, one that was presided over by Tom himself. One that would see THH going shorter and shorter until the Castaway rebellion of 2000.

THH Grade For the First Half Mullet: F

THH Grade For the Second Half Signature Tom Hanks Look: A

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Philadelphia

Not surprisingly, the first real case of The Signature Tom Hank Look dominating the screen and it wins Tom Hanks an Academy Award. I think the win was truly a sign that THH is stupid, and had no idea what it was doing in the late 80’s. Bad THH career decisions may have set Tom back a good three years. Who knows what type of business The Burbs and Turner & Hooch would have done had they not been saddled with The Hanks Fro. Tom pulls off the preppy lawyer look here with great aplomb, and then in a stunning follicle twist, goes completely bald and sports some edgy stubble. It’s a great transformation made exceptionally believable due to it being the first time anyone has seen Tom Hanks with his hair so short. It’s always a watershed moment in any actor’s career when we get to see their skull for the first time. Luckily for Tom, just like his on-screen persona, he apparently has the nicest skull in Hollywood. Tom’s skull is so nice it donates money to charities. It’s so nice it feeds the homeless on Thanksgiving. Basically, every part of Tom Hanks is nice (natch).

THH Grade: A

Procedures such as Philadelphia hair transplant should be administered by board-certified plastic surgeons in order to get the best results.

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Forrest Gump

Gun to my head, this is my favorite look for THH. The shaved sides and close cropped army-issue flat top completely alter Tom’s look and physicality. I saw Tom do Forrest on Inside the Actor’s Studio, but it wasn’t believable because he didn’t have the Forrest hair. That’s how good the look is; when the hair is indispensable to the character (much like Julia’s red curly hair in Pretty Woman or Ethan Hawke’s greasy Reality Bites goatee), you’ve got a classic hair character.

This seemed to be a turning point for THH in that it began to work with Tom, and not against him. The success of Philadelphia showed that shorter was better and in Forrest Gump, THH embraced the short. No longer did it resent Tom for the public shearing in Joe Vs. The Volcano; they were now one complete symbiotic persona, working together under a common goal: world box office domination.

THH Grade: A+

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Apollo 13

The Apollo 13 haircut is notable for finally finding a way to straighten Tom’s naturally curly hair. He’s again sporting a government-cut, but unlike in Forrest Gump, he has a lot more hair on top. No believable astronaut would have The Hanks Fro, as it may prove to be a liability in space. Zero-gravity does no favors for The Hanks Fro. So THH found a way to be high on top, but to go straight up, not all over puffy. It would appear that Apollo 13 was the culmination of all that THH had learned. The hair was shorter, satisfying the new Tom Hanks, yet it had the necessary personality that THH used to push so hard for in the 80’s. The film was a tremendous success and Tom again was nominated for an Academy Award. If there was a most improved hair award, in 1995 THH would have been a shoe-in.

THH Grade: B+

Tom and THH would continue to work well together for the next five years, again going military in Saving Private Ryan, going Philadelphia-style in That Thing You Do, and finally coming full circle with the original Signature Tom Hanks Look in You’ve Got Mail. It’s the happiest working period of Tom and THH’s career, book ended nicely by romcom’s with a pre-fish lipped Meg Ryan. Finally getting over their differences, the team set out and attained every goal on their list. Fame, money, acclaim and no frizz hair spray, all through the power of a good actor/hair relationship.

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The Green Mile

This is hair gone stale; gone soft. A toned-down Signature Tom Hanks look, one that would begin to define late-90’s Tom Hanks. We get the return of The Hanks Fro, but this time it’s maintained and horse-collared. It’s a diplomatic fro. While I like the throwback, and am glad to see Tom get out of army haircuts, I still think it’s way too boring. Is it possible that THH mailed this one in? It is possible, because everyone in this movie mailed it in. Wasn’t it supposed to be the quintessential drama of the decade? The biggest star in the world, directed by the man who made Shawshank Redemption, working with a script by the most popular writer in the world (Stephen King), adapted from a book series lauded by critics everywhere. The Green Mile should have been a shoe-in for Best Picture. But everything is curiously muted. All the right notes are hit, all the right emotions are met, but in the end, this is a film no one cares about and no one really remembers. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the first time in a decade that THH fails to bring its “A” game, the film falls to pieces. It just reinforces my theory that the key to the success of Tom Hanks is a harmonious relationship with his hair.

THH Grade: C-

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Castaway

Now this is more like it. Determined to reclaim its thrown as the biggest star hair in Hollywood, THH took control and delivered the best performance of its career. Castaway was THH’s Everest, and THH planted its flag right on top. From the awesome overgrown beard to the curly long hair (!), replete with sun damage and color problems, the whole look is exciting, sexy, dangerous and brilliant. And what a narrative arc for the hair! Starting out with the muted-Signature Look that Tom sported so poorly in The Green Mile, we all thought Castaway would be just another mailed in hair performance. But then the island sequence came, and knocked the hell out of that notion. That was Brando hair, Pacino hair, Liz Taylor Hair; it was hair performing on the top of its game. And then, in one final twist; Tom gets off the island and reverts back to The True Signature Tom Hanks look, cementing this film as having the greatest performance by an actor’s hair in motion picture history (succeeding the long standing champion of Carrie Fisher’s cinnamon buns in Star Wars). On sheer cinematic importance alone, Tom should have donated his beard to the Smithsonian.

Castaway was just what THH needed to revitalize its career and get its fans talking again. And the critics loved it. Tom was almost unrecognizable, and many would agree that because of his all-consuming look, that he did the best work of his career. In fact, so much attention was paid to Tom’s look that one could argue the global box office success of the film was mostly due to his radical hair and bushy beard. Tom’s subtle, powerful acting was a new high for the star, but critics and fans could not get past the hair. It was as if all of Tom’s work was ignored just because he stopped shaving for a couple months.

And like that, the war between actor and hair was reborn.

THH Grade: A+

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Road to Perdition

Another great Tom Hanks performance, another spiteful, arrogant THH performance. Just like in Big, THH thought he was better than Tom. Choosing to go with the high top Hanks Fro and an unfortunate upper lip only mustache (Who does THH think it is, Tom Selleck?), Tom’s Road To Perdition look was ugly American hair, too caught up in its own narcissism to realize how foolish it looks.

And you could see the tension in the film. Tom plays the whole thing dour and awkward; like he’s not sure he doesn’t look completely stupid. I’m not surprised that he was ignored come awards season; his wasn’t even the best mustache of the year (Daniel Day-Lewis owned that one with his mammothly cool ‘stache in Gangs of New York.). It’s entirely evident to anyone that pays attention that whenever Tom and THH are not on the same page, things go wrong. They get it right and its Castaway, they get it wrong and it’s Man With One Red Shoe all over again. Tom can never let his

No, it was time to put an end to THH, and Tom knew just what to do.

THH Grade: C

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Catch Me If You Can

How do you shut up the egotistical rantings of hair on an ego trip? You stick it under a hat and shave your face until the skin goes raw. Tom bottled up THH in this flick and was smart to do so. Finally comfortable again in his own skin, you can see the joy in Tom’s performance from the first frame. Like a shaggy dog that finally got his bangs clipped, Tom ran around in this movie independent of THH, and was back in fine form. This was my favorite Hanks performance of the last decade, partly due to a lack of distraction from THH. The real success in Tom’s career is when he plays a part where his hair has no bearing on the role. Whenever hair becomes an issue, THH manages to screw it up. In Catch Me If You Can there was no screw up. Looking resplendent in his black-brimmed FBI hat, Hanks gave a truly outstanding performance, filled with the type of humor, sensitivity and compassion that made Tom Hanks one of the most beloved actors on the planet. And thankfully, the hair had nothing to do with it.

THH Grade: B+

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The Ladykillers

You know what this is? This is “I’m Keith Hernandez” hair. Remember that Seinfeld episode where Keith Hernandez asks out Elaine and is so brazen about it because, hey, he’s Keith Hernandez? That’s what this hair reminds me of. Tom can grow the mutton chops, goofy beard and Col. Sanders hair because, hey, he’s Tom Hanks. Who’s gonna stop him? Who’s gonna tell him “no”?

And you know, I don’t think Tom foolishly let THH make the call on this one. I think Tom made the choice, which is why it failed so spectacularly. When THH chooses a look and fails, he only screws up Tom’s hair. When Tom chooses a look and fails, he screws up the entire movie. You can’t base a performance around a haircut; it takes the audience out of the story. And combine that with the weird accent and cadence, and Tom was itching for a failure. But he didn’t care. Because he’s Tom Hanks. Recognize!

THH Grade: C+ (for the effort)

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The Da Vinci Code

If you look back at all the major successes of Tom Hanks’s film career, you’ll see a common pattern: a unique haircut. Whether it was the Flock of Seagulls cut in Big, or the Preppy Signature in Philadelphia, the army cut in Forrest Gump or the Caveman in Castaway, the best Tom Hanks movies all have a follicle adventure to them. So why should The Da Vinci Code be any different? Sure, he looks like he’s wearing a wet rat. Sure, he looks like an aging hippy that smoked too much pot and doesn’t realize how out of date he looks. And sure, maybe he should just pull a Bruce Willis and accept the fact that he’s losing his hair. But who are we to say the cut is a bad idea? THH has made some bad decisions, but it rarely fails spectacularly. Maybe THH knows something that we don’t. I never really bought Tom as an action hero or matinee idol, but maybe the long hair is the right touch to make him seem more Indiana Jones and less Guy From Sleepless in Seattle. Tom is a great actor, maybe one of the best we have. In the end, underneath THH, it’s still a fantastic actor in a (supposedly) great movie. If we can buy twenty years of Sean Connery toupees, why can’t we buy Tom’s doll hair? I say give Tom and THH a chance. It may just be the last hurrah of an amazingly successful partnership. One final performance before THH is chopped up and never to be seen from again; the end of a great career servicing the talents (and the head) of Tom Hanks.

THH Grade: C

Bangarang!