Last week Newsweek magazine came out with a cover story called “15 People Who Make America Great“. This is all well and good except for one thing: Brad Pitt excluded, I don’t know who the hell any of them are. How exactly do they make America great if the average American (and I proudly consider myself average) has no earthly idea they even exist? As intrigued as I am by the idea that there is an easily corralled group of people that are doing real, altruistic good for this country on a day to day basis, I couldn’t get around the fact that I couldn’t relate to anyone in the group. Not a one of them, Papa Pitt included, affect my life on a day-to-day basis. And further more, none of them affect any type of change that echoes in my personal world.

And then there’s the question of what defines “making America great”. What America are we talking about here? Are we talking about a specific segment of people like the homeless community living in every major city? The GLBT community currently being repressed and marginalized? The affluent white people living in the hilltop mansions in Malibu and the Hamptons? The undereducated Midwest? Or are we talking about all Americans rolled up into one big, multi-cultural, very rank USA Ball? Just how exactly are we defining the America that these 15 people are supposedly improving?

Those two problems have stuck with me since I first read about the article online more than five days ago. Now I’m going to tell you a secret, one that I don’t often like to share because it engenders odd looks in whoever I tell it to. I am apathetic to pretty much anything that doesn’t affect me on a day-to-day basis. I don’t read the newspaper, I get my news from the Daily Show (when I even watch it, which is barely occasionally), I live in LA, which means my world view pretty much begins and ends with US Weekly, and I don’t have an opinion about the war in Iraq. More pointedly, while I have a good friend who is the Associate Producer for the new documentary “Who Killed the Electric Car”, and have another friend who is campaigning to put a Hybrid in every driveway in the country, I desperately want to buy an SVU. And again, I proudly consider myself an average American. So color me surprised that nearly a week later I am left irritated by a self-serving human interest story in a magazine I would never even pick up in a grocery store if it didn’t have an A-List celebrity on the cover.

I spent some time thinking about it and came to a conclusion: I am still bothered by the piece because I do have pride for this country, but that my pride is directly related to the America that I create in my own life. One of the great things about this country is our ability to create the environment we want and to not have to deviate that environment for anything short of an earthquake. Or whatever natural disaster that tends to befall your area of the country. I live in Los Angeles, so my environment is one of entertainment. My brother lives in Boston and goes to a musical school, so his environment is collegiate and musical and he loves it. And on and on. What I’m getting at is that the Newsweek piece is an intriguing concept, but has a misguided execution. They really should have called the piece “15 Random People Who Make America Great”, so as to unify readers behind their selections. But by claiming that these 15 people are THE 15 people for everyone in the country is ignorant and oft putting.

This is a concept that screams for personalization. Which would solve both of the problems I posited earlier. Creating my own list would not only define my personal environment, but also what America I believe in. Those 15 people would be the real “15 People Who Make America Great”, but specifically for me. And not ten minutes after I decided to make the list, I was done. They came so quickly I surprised myself. Merely off the top of my head I was able to name the group of people that most affect my life in a positive way. And that’s when I realized I’m not as apathetic as I thought. I’m just selfish. But that’s OK, because being selfish is a wholly American quality. Told you I was an average American.

So here’s my list of “The 15 People Who Make MY America Great” (in no particular order).

1. Steve Jobs – From the iPod I use to listen to music, to the iBook I’m typing this post on, to the trailers I watch on Quicktime, to the chat program I use to talk to friends, Steve Jobs is responsible, directly or indirectly for all of them. As my friend Tim puts it, he brings large scale technology to the masses, and does it in a positive way. I couldn’t agree more. It also helps his case that he funds Pixar, currently the best production company on the planet. He is also now essentially running Disney, which gives me assurance that the company who owns my childhood may continue to bring joy to kids around the world, for decades to come, instead of continuing to sell corporate greed the way they’ve been doing for the last decade. If I was watching that Pirates of Silicon Valley movie when it first came out I would have so been rooting for Anthony Michael Hall / Bill Gates (and not just because Hall is Farmer Ted). But now, if it showed up on TNT at three in the morning, I’d be all about Noah Wyle.

2. Marc Cuban – Despite knowing nothing about the film industry, having no creative spark of any kind, and being a pretty big blowhard, he is doing more good for the world of entertainment that almost anyone not named George Lucas. He bought the Landmark Cinema chain, and is restoring each theater. As well, he is exhibiting indie movies that would never have gotten theatrical distribution under any circumstances. Through his 2929 Entertainment production label he is funding interesting, experimental cinema like: Goodnight, and Good Luck, Bubble, Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room, and the underrated John C. Reilly movie Criminal. He is one of the leading proponents of digital cinema. He runs a highly entertaining basketball team. And he’s a complete blowhard. He rules.

3. Reed Hastings – Is on this list for one simple, beautiful reason: He created Netflix.

4. Aaron Sorkin – Beyond creating, writing and producing two of my favorite television shows in the world, his work has most inspired me as a writer. His masterful grasp of dialogue drives me to work harder. And his ability to write complex, adult stories that appeal to people who don’t even understand them (Let’s face it, The West Wing was a pretty Byzantine show even when it was talking about simple stuff.) is a marvel in today’s dumb-down entertainment. But moreover, he’s on my list because for a time in 2000-2001 Sorkin made me care about politics, and take an active interest in the things that were going on around me. I didn’t think I’d like that, but I was wrong. He taught me more about civic duty, domestic policy and the ways and means of modern government than any half rate college course ever could.

And really, how can I not include him when he gave me lines of dialogue like this: “I gotta tell ya, at this point the length of this conversation is way out of proportion to my interest in it.”

5. Jenna Jameson – Brought porn to the mainstream. Runs an excellent MySpace page. Has given me hours of, um, nighttime good times. Was the only reason to see the Howard Stern movie. Did I mention she helped legitimize porn? Which is good if you have a girlfriend and want to keep your, um collection. Who doesn’t love Jenna Jameson?

6. Kevin Smith – For his accessibility and for the way he inspired average slackers to cling to their dreams of becoming filmmakers. For giving us Jay and Silent Bob and for being the real reason Good Will Hunting was made (and subsequently the career of Ben Affleck). For being sharp, smart and funny and making no apologies for it. For Clerks: The Cartoon Series and An Evening With Kevin Smith. For stopping Jon Peters from putting a giant metal spider in the new Superman movie and for refusing to do the new Fletch movie without Jason Lee. Hell, for giving us Jason Lee. He makes me want to be a better writer. And he’s living proof that you can get by on your wits and wit alone.

7. My MySpace Top 12 – This one’s a no-brainer. Everyone should have friends and family on their list of 15 People. Log on to MySpace, bring up my profile and take a look at My Top 12 friends. Those are the immediate people in my life that matter to me and make my America great. My Mom, Dad and brothers are not on MySpace, otherwise they’d be there too. But them, Nina, Andy, Tim, Lena, Dimo, Galvez and all the rest deserve to be on this list. Also, they would have killed me if I put, like, Dan Marino on the list instead of them.

8. Zach Braff – The soundtrack for Garden State alone makes him worthy of this list. But he’s also responsible for the best Natalie Portman role she will ever have. He’s the star of my favorite sitcom (Scrubs). And his next movie looks like a continuation of the themes of Garden State, and not a cheap cash-in he so easily could have done. His career is one I’d like to emulate. Especially the part where he made out with Natalie Portman in the rain.

9. The Gossip Bloggers – They bring joy to my life by taking the joy away from celebrities. I read Defamer, Egotastic and The Superficial every day. They inform me of the goings on of Britney, Paris, TomKat and all the rest, and they remind me that the goal isn’t to be a celebrity, cause those people suck, but to be someone who actually works and does good work. Plus, they show pictures of hot actresses in bikinis. I’m a simple man; it doesn’t take much to make me a happy American man. But Jessica Alba beach pictures will do it.

10. Jon Stewart – I really want to be sincere about putting him on this list, but I just can’t. I watch his show, I learn about current events, but I don’t really care. Secretly, if no one ever read this list, number 10 would actually look like this:

10. Ryan Seacrest – For making it OK for me to like being clean, like wearing clothes that match, like having stuff in my hair, like rocking the three day stubble and like crappy pop music. Sure he may be a national joke, and he certainly isn’t as important a public figure as Jon Stewart, but dammit, he brings me American Idol. At a certain point you have to give up your pretension and just say thank you for that!

11. Tom – He helped create MySpace, which has made communicating with friends and random hot girls so much easier. I have found old friends, reconnected with people I long since wrote off, and read the innermost personal thoughts of people I had no interest in learning more about. I get to see pictures of friends, I get to say I have Jenna Jameson and Kevin Smith as friends, I get to spy on ex-girlfriends and I get to pimp my website. It’s a good service, and if it didn’t exist I don’t know how I’d keep all my friends.

12. Bill Simmons – If there’s one person that has influenced me the most in my career, it would be Bill Simmons. His work as The Sports Guy on Digital City Boston and now on ESPN.com made me realize that I could be successful as a humorist; that I could reach an audience of people who were clamoring for like-minded content. And he also taught me about sports. Which for a guy who has watched fifteen years of football but couldn’t tell you what a 4-3 Defense is to save his life, is definitely a good thing. He got me excited about following baseball and basketball. He taught me how to gamble on Football. He clued me in on how to do Las Vegas the real way (lots of gambling, lots of Jack and Cokes, very little strippers). But mostly he taught me that my voice is all that matters. And that if my voice was strong enough, like James Earl Jones would say, “People will come”. More than 150,000 people have read my work since I launched TheJay.com, and in it’s core form, that accomplishment belongs to Bill Simmons.

13. Tom Cruise – You have to laugh at something, and for me, Tom Cruise is that something. I don’t know why he decided to go off the reservation, but I’m grateful for it. Whenever I start envying those jackass millionaire actors who seemingly have it all, The Cruiser reminds me that they’re all nuts and married to zombies, and I start liking my life a little better. Also Jerry Maguire, Collateral, A Few Good Men, Minority Report and Risky Business kick ass.

14. Lance Armstrong – He’s inspirational in a way that seems completely irrational. No one in this country cared about cycling (even the people who do the sport) until Lance Armstrong lost a ball and started winning the Tour de France. His resiliency and determination to beat his illness has helped people draw strength in their own fights against disease. Also, nailed Sheryl Crow and invented those bracelet. That bracelet that I see on every other person, yet I have no idea to get for myself. And whenever I ask someone, “Hey, where’d you get the Livestrong bracelet?”, none of them can tell me. It’s the strangest phenomenon. It’s as if Armstrong created the little yellow rubber thing, flew up into the atmosphere like Superman, dropped a half ton of them and people started finding them in the street. It’s inexplicable, but then again, so is finding inspiration in a guy that rides a bicycle (and wasn’t in the movie Rad).

15. Steven Spielberg – Aside from creating the childhood fantasies of 80% of the kids in the 80’s, he also grows a sweet beard. Aside from continuing to further the technological advancement of film and digital cinema, he also makes small, non-CGI based personal movies. Aside from all the charities he donates to, he also has adopted five children, all from impoverished areas (suck on that Brangelina!). And aside from the fact that he is our greatest living movie director, he’s also apparently a heck of a nice guy. And seriously, he’s Steven freaking Spielberg. If he doesn’t make mine and everyone else’s America great, then I don’t know how does.

Bangarang!

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ANNE HATHAWAY’S BREASTS SIGN DEVELOPMENT DEAL

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

LOS ANGELES, CA – Paramount Pictures, a subsidiary of Viacom Inc. announced today that Anne Hathaway’s breasts, collectively known as “The Hathaway Twins,” have signed a three-picture first look development deal. The Hathaway Twins, individually credited as Princess Lefty McGee and Jenny Moon-Unit Zappa, are the stars of the currently in release fashion pic, “The Devil Wears Prada”. They recently signed with Hollywood super-agent Ari Emmanuel of the Endeavor Agency for representation in all areas.

Fresh off a star-making performance in the Academy Award-winning drama Brokeback Mountain, The Hathaway Twins have seen their popularity explode almost overnight, culminating in their lucrative development deal. Their revealing performance wowed critics and audiences alike, and started an intense bidding war amongst the major studios. The spring release of their much delayed debut film, the spicy teen drama “Havoc”, brought them instant Internet credibility and a fan base loyal enough to compete with any other star in today’s market. The decision to break away from actress Anne Hathaway and start their own career was risky, but their deal with Paramount cements their place in the industry and positions them well for higher visibility projects. Upcoming roles prove The Hathaway Twins are a diverse, wide-ranging talent whose future in the industry looks bright.

Upcoming projects include:

• Signed as the September cover model for Maxim Magazine. Hugh Hefner said to be personally offended that the Twins rejected his offer to pose for Playboy.

• As a favor to The Devil Wears Prada co-star Adrian Grenier, The Hathaway Twins will guest star on the next episode of Entourage, playing the first-act love interest of rising start Vincent Chase. They also share the screen with series scene stealer Jeremy Piven, who sources say personally requested that he be able to “hug it out” with his vivacious co-stars.

• In discussions to be the Winter Catalog Spokesperson for Victoria’s Secret.

• Will host the 2006 Cable Ace Awards.

The Hathaway Twins are actively pursuing projects for their newly finalized deal, and rumors persist that the first film out of the gate will be a big-budget remake of the camp classic “Beyond the Valley of the Dolls”. Beyond the potential remake, the Twins look to return to their dramatic roots and are in discussions with director Curtis Hanson about an historical epic. Brokeback Mountain co-star Jake Gyllenhaal had this to say about talents of The Hathaway Twins: “They were terrific to work with. Just terrific. When you have performers of that caliber working with you, it just makes your job that much easier. To be honest, the biggest challenge for me on Brokeback wasn’t exploring a forbidden love with Heath or our sex scene together, it was my scene with The Hathaway Twins in the car after the rodeo. They were so fierce and so determined, I was blown away. When I think back on my experiences making that movie, the Twins are what I remember the most. Late at night. When I do my thinking and such.”

Exact details of the deal are confidential, however one crucial element of the deal has been released, a so-called “Breast Indemnity Clause”. Supposedly created in response to the death of the Lindsay’s Lohans deal, The Hathaway Twins are required to maintain strict size and weight requirements in order to satisfy the terms of the contract. Should the Twins fall prey to the Lindsay Lohan magical rack disappearing phenomenon, they will have thirty days to make weight. If the weight is not met the deal becomes null and void. A similar rack incentive plan is being considered for Scarlet Johansson’s Breasts’ potential four-picture deal at 20th Century Fox.

The Hathaway Twins were the true stars of the red carpet premiere of The Devil Wears Prada. Star Anne Hathaway dazzled the tabloids with a story about The Hathaway Twins’ experiences on the set with co-star Stanley Tucci:

“There was this one day where he kept elbowing me in the breast. He wasn’t doing it to be like a dirty old man, but if we were doing a scene or I was just crossing to get to my mark (on the set) he would just smack me in my boob and elbow me.

“If you’re a girl you know that hurts. So, after about the fourth time, I finally turned to him and said, ‘Stanley can you please stay away from my tits?’

“Stanley got really flustered and he said, ‘What do you expect, you’re flinging those melons around like it’s harvest season!’”

With a hot film due out soon, a new development deal with Paramount Pictures and an exciting slate of projects in the future, Hollywood insiders are hopeful that The Hathaway Twins could become as big as Angelina’s Jolies, and as profitable as Lindsay’s Lohans.

Career Highlights:

• In the fall, People Magazine will list The Hathaway Twins as two of the “50 Most Beautiful People in the World”.

• Have been insured by Lloyd’s of London for $6.2 Million apiece.

• In Disney’s “Ella Enchanted, were the first breasts filmed in Bullet Time.

• Was the breast double for Scarlett Johansson in “A Love Song For Bobby Long”

• Did all their own stunts in Havoc.

About Paramount Pictures: Paramount Pictures is part of the entertainment operations of Viacom, Inc., one of the world’s largest entertainment and media companies and a leader in the production, promotion and distribution of entertainment, news, sports and music.

About Anne Hathaway’s Breasts: They are very nice.

                                  ###

Since arriving on the scene in 2001, The Hathaway Twins have been downloaded more than 34 Million times, making them the most downloaded rack since Katie Holmes’s KatieBots in The Gift. For more information on The Hathaway Twins, please contact Ari Emmanuel of the Endeavor Agency, or log on to www.TheJay.com.

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The tagline.

Wikipedia describes it as “a memorable phrase that [sums] up the tone and premise of a film”. It’s usually a quick phrase, nothing more than a trifling of words. A slogan. A jingle in word form. A ploy to get you to remember where to spend your money. But done right, created with verve and passion and used with precision, it can set the movie world afire and enter the pop culture lexicon.

In space, no one can hear you scream.

Who you gonna call?

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water.

His whole life was a million to one shot.

Look closer.

Those are arguably the most memorable taglines in modern movie history. They sold their respective movies, did their job and they became something else. You say any one of those taglines and people know what you’re talking about, even if they haven’t seen the movie. When DVD has gone the way of Beta and BluRay has given over to NanoHD or whatever nonsense platform they try to foist on us to make more money, “In space, no one can hear you scream” will still be around, and will still be making you remember that alien egg cracked open, light spilling out, with something terrible lying within.

I’m a geek for movie marketing. I analyze the posters, critique the trailers, judge the stills. I whole-heartedly believe that the campaign for a film is more important than the film itself. No matter how good a film is, without the proper advertising no one will go and see it. Sell a film well and it grosses a hundy before anyone even realizes it was terrible. Advertise your film unlike any other that came before it and The Blair Witch Project grosses $140 Million and has people throwing up in the aisles and believing the film is real.

This is why it’s so important to come up with the right tagline. Unfortunately, the last five years have produced some of the worst taglines this side of Roger Corman cheapies. Nonsense like: “Prepare for bottle.” (The Pacifier) and “Want to see a really killer website? It’s the last site you’ll ever see.” (FearDotCom). And I just cannot abide by crap like that. So in the interest of satisfying my need for niftier taglines, and in the service of being sarcastic and bitchy, I have compiled a bunch of official movie taglines and come up with a few alternate ideas. I think they better describe the movie as a whole and make a stronger impact with the audience. Also, they totally make fun of their movies. Enjoy.

Click: What If You Had A Universal Remote… That Controlled Your Universe?

• Alternate Tagline: What If You Had An Adam Sandler Movie… That Was Worse Than Mr. Deeds?

Firewall: Nothing Is More Dangerous Than A Man With Everything To Lose.

• Alternate Tagline: Nothing Is More Dangerous Than Harrison Ford With A High Speed Modem.

Da Vinci Code: Seek The Truth

• Alternate Tagline: Seek The Barbershop

War of the Worlds: This Summer, the last war on Earth won’t be started by humans.

• Alternate Tagline: This Summer, the last war on Earth won’t be started by humans. But it will be started by Scientologists.

Basic Instinct 2: Everything interesting begins in the mind.

• Alternate Tagline: Everything interesting begins in Sharon Stone’s dusty minge.

Brokeback Mountain: Love Is A Force Of Nature

• Alternate Tagline: Anal Sex on a Mountain is A Force Of Nature

Anchorman: His news is bigger than your news.

• Alternate Tagline: You’ll Be Stuck in a Glass Movie Theater of Hilarity

Failure to Launch: To leave the nest, some men just need a little push.

• Alternate Tagline: To make out with Sarah Jessica Parker, some men just need a little push (and a big paycheck)

Fantastic Four: Prepare for the fantastic.

• Alternate Tagline: Prepare for angry comic book geeks.

V For Vendetta: People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people.

• Alternate Tagline: Natalie should not be afraid of Star Wars geeks. Star Wars geeks should be afraid of Natalie.

Fun With Dick and Jane: See Dick Run

• Alternate Tagline: See Dick go Straight to Video

When A Stranger Calls: Whatever You Do, Don’t Answer The Phone.

• Alternate Tagline: Whatever You Do, Check Out the Hot Jailbait Actress

Ocean’s Twelve: Twelve is the new eleven

• Alternate Tagline: Crappy is the new good

The Benchwarmers: It’s Never Too Late Too Take A Stand.

• Alternate Tagline: It’s Never Too Late Too Turn Around and Rent Napoleon Dynamite.

You, Me and Dupree: Two’s company. Dupree’s a crowd.

• Alternate Tagline: Owen Wilson could not be creepier in this movie. Seriously. We tried to do it, but you cannot improve on creepy perfection. He’s creeptastic!

Sin City: Walk down the right back alley in Sin City and you can find anything.

• Alternate Tagline: Walk down the right back alley in Sin City and you can see Carla Gugino’s boobies.

Just My Luck: Everything changed in the wink of an eye.

• Alternate Tagline: Everything changed in the wink of an Icecrotch.

American Pie: There’s something about your first piece

• Alternate Tagline: Piefucking is hi-larious!

The Last Samurai: In the face of an enemy, in the Heart of One Man, Lies the Soul of a Warrior.

• Alternate Tagline: In the face of Scientology, in a room at the Celebrity Center, Lies the Soul of the KatieBot.

The Shaggy Dog: Tim Allen Living in a Dog’s Life

• Alternate Tagline: Because Tim Allen Can’t Just Do Those Santa Movies All the Time

Minority Report: Everybody Runs

• Alternate Tagline: Everybody Runs… From Tom Cruise

Troy: For Honor. For Love. For Victory.

• Alternate Tagline: For Money. For CGI War Scenes. For One Good Fight Scene.

Revenge of the Sith: The saga is complete.

• Alternate Tagline: The saga has raped your childhood.

Rumor Has It…: Based on a true rumor.

• Alternate Tagline: Based on a true-ly bad screenplay.

Syrianna: Everything is connected

• Alternate Tagline: Everything is confusing

Match Point: Passion Temptation Obsession

• Alternate Tagline: Scarlet Johansson Breast

AVP: Whoever wins… We lose.

• Alternate Tagline: Whoever sees this movie… You Lose

King Kong: The eighth wonder of the world.

• Alternate Tagline: Ladies and gentlemen, this is Chewbacca. Chewbacca is a Wookiee from the planet Kashyyyk. But Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor. Now think about it; that does not make sense! Why would a Wookiee, an eight-foot tall Wookiee, want to live on Endor, with a bunch of two-foot tall Ewoks? That does not make sense! But more important, you have to ask yourself: What does this have to do with this alternate movie tag lines? Nothing. Ladies and gentlemen, it has nothing to do with this post! It does not make sense! If Chewbacca lives on Endor, you must see King Kong! Here, look at the monkey. Look at the silly monkey!

Bangarang!

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Let’s be real, there are no superheroes in this world. While it would be nice to have some guy in pansy red booties flying around saving babies and trains, it’s just not happening. There will never be a guy in full black latex tooling around New York City in his batmobile (the traffic alone precludes this); there is no blond-haired Adonis who can breath underwater and talk to the fishes (as much as Entourage would have us believe otherwise). Wolverine just does not exist, as much as every woman alive would like him to. No, there are no real superheroes in this world.

What we do have is as close an approximation as we’re going to get: Movie Stars. Movie Stars are the equivalent of superheroes, there pretty, they’re in peak physical condition, they’re charismatic (most of them anyway) and most of all, we idolize them. Sure their heroics are usually reserved for the silver screen, but for most star struck fans, movie stars are mortal gods. The true believers don’t spend much time discerning the difference between saving the world on DVD, and saving it in real life. When Bruce Willis drops the nukes onto the asteroid, or Dennis Quaid walks from Washington D.C. to New York (in 3 days!), or Nic Cage pops green smoke on Alcatraz, some people really believe they are watching the actions of a superhero.

And you know what? Who am I to tell them otherwise? Really, who’s to say that they AREN’T superheroes? That they don’t have powers beyond mortal imagination? If you think about it chances are good that most movie stars do have super powers; the power to charm millions of people, the power to make men fall in love with them, the power to cure all forms of illness ever invented by humans (Thanks Tom!). I know for a fact that some celebrities have, at the very least, suspicious abilities. For example, Reese Witherspoon, who has the ability to annoy me whenever I see watch her movies. Or Sean Connery who has the ability to keep his Scottish accent no matter where his character is from. Or Samuel L. Jackson who commands the F-Bomb with an almost preternaturally high level of difficulty.

In all seriousness, I know Movie Stars don’t REALLY have superpowers. The closest they come is through CGI and make-up. But wouldn’t it be cool if it were true? If CGI didn’t exist and Tobey Maguire really could shoot spider webs out of his wrists? If Will Smith really could fly a fighter jet into an alien mothership and Jeff Goldblum could take down an advanced alien technology with a simple Apple iMac virus? Yes, things would be a lot cooler if celebrities were mutants with superhuman abilities (as opposed to the regular mutants they are now).

And that thought got me wondering, if Movie Stars really DID have superpowers, what would they be? I thought about it for a while, made some wild assumptions and eventually figured it out. Here’s what I came up with:

Morgan Freeman: Superhuman Narrating Abilities

Tom Cruise: Unlimited Scientology Powers (Do not face him in battle, his powers are LIMITLESS!)

Ben Affleck: Critical Praise Repellent (To stop those pesky good reviews.)

Keanu Reeves: Charisma Boost

Colin Farrell: Superhuman Liver Capacity

Nic Cage: Voice Amplification (to combat the mumbles)

Nicole Kidman: Anti-Wrinkle Powers (concentrated in the forehead region)

Vince Vaughn: Rapid Fire Vocal Capabilities (as well as heightened wit)

Jessica Biel: Stronger than ten men.

Jim Carrey: Elasticity

Hilary Swank: Gender-Changing Abilities

George Clooney: Commitment Shield (natch)

Jim Caviezel: Jesus Powers (Rumors confirmed by respected San Diego anchorman Ron Burgundy)

Sylvester Stallone: Gravity Defying Physique (powers currently fading)

Lindsay Lohan: The ability to turn her crotch into both Fire AND Ice, depending on the situation (or her mood).

Jessica Alba: Can turn pre-pubescent boys into mush.

Sean Connery: Superhumanly Cool Accent

Cameron Diaz: Magical Swirling Ass (Must be contained for fear of inciting Global Thermo-Nuclear War.)

Hayden Christensen: Franchise-killing powers

Diane Lane: Alien beauty that improves with age.

Russell Crowe: Can throw a cell phone faster than a speeding bullet; can also unleash hell on command.

Vin Diesel: Can walk backwards into shadow better than any man on Earth.

Drew Barrymore: Vocal lisp doubles as an all-powerful cuteness generator.

Hilary Duff: Super-Strong Teeth (Attained by accident through an incident involving nuclear waste, a bottle of white-out and an ill-advised horse-tipping.)

Hugh Jackman: Adamantium Endo-Skeleton, Mutant Healing Powers

Anne Hathaway: Hypnotic Yabbos

Samuel L. Jackson: Bad Mutha Fucka!

Paul Walker: Human Wood-Pencil Sharpener

Jennifer Lopez: Impervious Backside.

Jack Nicholson: No actual powers, he’s just that cool.

Al Pacino: Sub-Sonic Vocal Capabilities (In other words, he can yell really loud.)

Brad Pitt: Armor Abs

Julia Roberts: Mega-Watt Smile, ability to power a city with a single lip curl.

The Rock: Raised eyebrow sends out a debilitating energy pulse.

Donald Trump: “Hair” Doubles as Emergency Follicle Parachute

David Schwimmer: Superhuman Caucasian-ness

Winona Ryder: Thrifty

Uma Thurman: Can perform deadly five point palm-exploding heart technique.

Christopher Walken: Heightened Monologue Performance Powers

Emma Watson: Jailbait

Renee Zellwegger: Impenetrable Scrunchy Face

Angelina Jolie: All-Powerful Lips

Tara Reid: Party Monster

Kate Beckinsale: Looks really good in black leather.

Bruce Willis: Unbreakable; also, Dies Hard; also, is really a ghost.

Katie Holmes: Zombie

Robin Williams: Covered in fur; also super-speed (emphasis on “speed”).

Britney Spears: Parenting Powers

Michael Jackson: Putty Nose conceals secret all-powerful young boy magnet.

Derek Zoolander: Really, really ridiculously good-looking.

Chuck Norris: Unparalleled martial arts abilities; also, his tears can cure cancer. Too bad he never cries.

Bangarang!

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If I were to tell you about an actor that has worked consistently in major Hollywood movies for over two decades, has worked often with Academy-Award winning writers, actors and directors and who has a legion of fans that follow him in all his movies no matter the genre or story, what would your immediate reaction to this person be? Would you think “Wow, this guy must be great. Twenty years of studio movies, he must be talented?” Based solely on the description of the actor written above, with no names attached, would you ever in your right mind assume that the person was bad at his craft; that he sucked? Chances are you wouldn’t. And yet, if after giving you that description I told you the actor was Keanu Reeves, I bet I know what your reaction would be. “He sucks!”

I just don’t get it. In every interview he gives he comes across as an insightful, cerebral, well-rounded person who doesn’t mire himself in the vagaries of stardom and never asks for more than he needs. His co-stars glow about him, and quality directors line up to put him in their movies. And yet, for some inexplicable reason, he is plagued by this notion that he is dumb. And that he is untalented. And I just don’t get it.

How can he suck if he’s still making big movies twenty years into his career? The majority of his early peers are gone and forgotten; actors like Christian Slater, Judd Nelson, Emilio Estevez, Andrew McCarthy, et al, and yet here he is coming out with a huge new movie this Friday (The Lake House). He has survived critical drubbings more severe than he deserves. He has been heckled and flamed and deplored because he has good looks, but a vacant affectation. He is perceived as a flat actor, devoid of charisma, empty of emotional depth. And yet, he’s still here making big movies. So you explain it to me.

I have been a fan of Keanu since his Bill & Ted days. I have defended my love for the man who would be Neo to every one of my friends and family. I have gotten into screaming matches with people I barely know, just because I heard them bash the man. And I have never lost an argument about him, because no one can prove that he isn’t a gifted, talented performer. They lose, because I can prove that he is.

But my arguing stops now. Once and for all I am going to prove to the world that Keanu Reeves does NOT suck. And I will prove it to you in 40 point list format. I promise you that when you finish reading this piece you will respect, admire and appreciate the talent that is Keanu Reeves.

Let the proving begin…

1. If you weren’t impressed by Keanu’s mean, Southern Redneck in The Gift or at least agree he was impressively intense, well then we have nothing to talk about. Just click the “X” and leave this site immediately.

2. Contrary to popular belief, has never won a Razzie Award. Which is more than I can say for these actors: Halle Berry, Charlton Heston, John Travolta, Bruce Willis, Kevin Costner, Demi Moore, Marlon Brando, Dennis Hopper, Sylvester Stallone, Sharon Stone, Faye Dunaway, Woody Harrelson and Madonna

3. Without being asked, gave $38 Million dollars to The Wachowski Brothers so that they could properly finish the Matrix sequels. $38 Million! Let’s see Tom Cruise drop that much for one of his clunkers.

4. Has worked with the following critically acclaimed directors: Francis Ford Coppola, Ron Howard, Bernardo Bertolucci, Gus Van Sant, Sam Raimi, Taylor Hackford, Lawrence Kasdan, Stephen Frears, Richard Linklater

5. “Whoa”

6. Keanu’s name means “cool breeze over the mountains” in Hawaiian, which is pretty cool. Compare that to Jean Claude Van Damme, which is loosely translated in German as “giant douchebag”.

7. The night before he was to shoot his kissing-heavy love scene for A Walk in the Clouds, Keanu took a hockey puck to his mouth, which required six stitches. He still showed up the next day for work and shot the scene over the course of six hours. Let’s see a pussyboy like Orlando Bloom do that! Keanu is hardcore.
   

8. Showing extreme foresight and good judgment (which is more than I can say for Sandra Bullock), passed on an easy $10 million payday to star in Speed 2, because he didn’t think the script was any good. And he was right. Tell me again why people think he’s stupid?

9. Deferred part of his salary on The Replacements (2000) so Gene Hackman could be cast. Obviously, the man knows what makes a movie great. And that would be the Hack Man.

10. Has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. They don’t just give those out, you know.

11. A personal quote: “I’m a meathead, man. You’ve got smart people, and you’ve got dumb people. I just happen to be dumb.” At least the man is brave enough to admit who he is.

12. Is not nearly as stiff, wooden or stupid as Paul Walker.

13. Has starred in six $100 Million grossing movies. Which is more than the following actors who many claim are “better” than Keanu: Johnny Depp, George Clooney, Russell Crowe, Leonardo DiCaprio, Colin Farrell, Richard Gere, Hugh Grant, Ethan Hawke, Val Kilmer, Jude Law, Matthew McConaughey, Sean Penn, Joaquin Phoenix, Tim Robbins, Kevin Spacey, Vince Vaughn, Dennis Quiad and Al freakin’ Pacino!

14. Almost never shows up in tabloids, an extremely welcome quality considering the glut of media whores we have today (ahem, TomKat!).

15. Yeah it gave people the impression he’s an idiot, and no, it’s not Shakespeare, but c’mon, who doesn’t love Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure!

16. “I am an F-B-I Agent!” That line rules.

17. Decided to leave his band “Dogstar” so that the rest of the group would not be held back by his celebrity or by his busy schedule. Which is more than I can say for a few other jackass actors/wannabe rockers (ahem, Russell Crowe).

18. Managed to keep a straight face all the way through the abysmally crappy Sweet November. That takes talent people.

19. Has worked with the following Academy Award winning actors: Al Pacino, Gene Hackman, Rachel Weisz, Charlize Theron, Jack Nicholson, Diane Keaton, Marisa Tomei, Morgan Freeman, Anthony Hopkins, Emma Thompson, Denzel Washington, Anthony Quinn, Kevin Kline, William Hurt, and then guy who played Bill in Bill & Ted’s. I’m pretty sure he’s won a couple Oscars by now.

20. Is “The One”. Warrants mentioning.

21. Knows his acting limitations and in doing so, does not try to overextend himself in roles he couldn’t do; which means not only that his movies are better, but so is every movie he turns down. He’s making movies he’s NOT in better, someone give it up for this man.

22. Does not own a computer. So you know what that means… is not a MySpace whore.

23. In his review for Speed, Roger Ebert had this to say about Keanu: “Keanu Reeves has never had a role like this before. In fact, in his previous film, he played the mystical Prince Siddhartha, and generally he tends toward dreamy, sensitive characters. That’s why it’s sort of amazing to see him so cool and focused here, a completely convincing action hero who is as centered and resourceful as a Clint Eastwood or Harrison Ford in similar situations.”

24. Has made movies in every single genre.

25. He played Buddha. No, I’m serious, “the” Buddha. Between playing the freaking Buddha and playing a stoner in Bill & Ted’s, why do people think he has no range?

26. Back in the 80’s, he taught stoners of the world something about history (and brought Napoleon to Waterlube). Also, I’d be remiss if I didn’t add that he’s totally non, non non, non non, non, non heinous.

27. And despite being viewed as a “stoner”, has never been pigeonholed on screen. In his various film roles, he has played: an FBI agent, a cop, a serial killer, a lawyer, a doctor, a dentist, the One, a Quarterback, a musician, an ad exec, a nuclear physicist (hello!), a redneck, a soldier, the freakin’ Buddha, a gay hustler, and a Dog Boy.

28. He knows kung fu. So, you know, don’t screw with him.

29. When Keanu decides to do a sequel: Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey. When Keanu decides not to do a sequel: Speed 2. Can this guy pick winners, or what?

30. Is none of the following: a Scientologist (Tom Cruise), a john (Hugh Grant), a drug addict (Robert Downey Jr.), a cheat (Jude Law), a phone-thrower (Russell Crowe), hard to work with (Val Kilmer) or a mean bastard (Sean Penn)

31. Besides his obvious acting talents, Keanu also: surfs, rides motorcycles, was a good enough hockey goalie to earn the nickname “The Wall”, performs Shakespeare, reads philosophy, plays guitar in a slew of rock bands, ballroom dances, horseback rides, and “knows” kung fu. Is there anything he can’t do?

32. His name is actually pronounced “kay-ah-nu”, not “key-ah-nu”, and yet never makes a fuss out of it (ahem, DEMI!).

33. Has romanced on-screen: Charlize Theron (twice), Sandra Bullock (twice), Monica Bellucci (twice), Rachel Weisz (twice), Carrie-Anne Moss (thrice), Diane Lane, Connie Nielson, Dina Meyer and Uma Thurman. This does not necessarily prove his specific level of suckage, but it does prove that hot actresses want to bang him on-screen, which is an important quality in today’s movie stars. For example, nobody wants to nail Adam Sandler, and he’s not nearly as good an actor as Keanu, even if you count Punch-Drunk Love twice.

34. Was in the Pilot episode of the awesome short-lived Jay Mohr show, Action. And since that show ruled all, he in turn, receives a percentage of the ruling. Let’s say 17%.

35. To his everlasting credit, never made a cameo appearance on Will & Grace, which makes him only one of five movie stars in the world never to have done so.

36. Was the host for a documentary show called “Children Remember the Holocaust.” He supports the faith, I support him.

37. Has a college class based around his movies. “The Films of Keanu Reeves” at the Art Center College of Design in Pasadena, CA. Name another supposedly “sucky” actor that has a college class named after him? That’s right, you can’t, because Keanu’s the only one. Because he kicks ass AND educates the youth of tomorrow.

38. Turned down the Val Kilmer role in Heat to do a production of Hamlet in Canada. If I haven’t said it before, let me say it now, the man is devoted to his craft. He works on it, he tries new things. He keeps working. Even if you think he’s not getting better, at least he’s trying. How many movie stars keep pushing themselves after they hit it big? How many just coast along on generic roles and unspectacular performances? Keanu pushes himself. Fuck all to his limitations, he pushes himself and I respect him for it.

39. British theater critic Roger Lewis of the Sunday Times in London (who knows something about Shakespeare, after all he is British) had this to say about Keanu’s Winnipeg-based performance of The Prince of Denmark in Hamlet: “He quite embodied the innocence, the splendid fury, the animal grace of the leaps and bounds, the emotional violence, that form the Prince of Denmark. He is one of the top three Hamlets I have seen, for a simple reason: he ‘is’ Hamlet.”

40. Brought unto the world the phrase “Bogus, dude”, for which we are all eternally grateful.

Now tell me, after reading this piece, do you still think he sucks?

I didn’t think so.

Bangarang!

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