As always here at The Jay, we like to take the time to honor and celebrate the birth of celebrity off-spring. And there’s no better way to do that then by supposing what some other big name celebrities might be saying to the proud, new parents. Assuming of course that Namibia even has postal service. Or electricity to read the letters once they arrive. Or, you know, if Brad and Angie’s aren’t too busy hiding from lions, or keeping Shiloh away from hungry Hyena’s. Or establishing democracy. Something charitable that Angie loves so much and Brad tolerates because she’s Angelina Jolie.
Know what? We’ll just assume they’ll read the well-wishes when they return to Malibu to raise they’re new family in Tabloidland. Congratulations to Brangelina and Shiloh-Nouvel, on behalf of TheJay.com and the following celebrities.
Vince Vaughn – Alright, let me be the first to say congratulations. You get one vagina for the rest of your life. And three kids now, too. Real smart, Brad. Way to work it through. But seriously, as far as being a father, I don’t want you to be the guy in the PG-13 movie everyone’s really hoping makes it happen. I want you to be like the guy in the rated R movie, you know, the guy you’re not sure whether or not you like yet. You’re not sure where he’s coming from. Okay? You’re a bad man. You’re a bad man, Brad. You’re a bad man, bad man. Say hi to the baby for me, I’ll be over here, not at all balling your ex-wife. Also, go see The Break-Up, now in theatres.
George Clooney – I guess this means I’m gonna win the Most Groupies Banged On Set Award when we go shoot Oceans Thirteen. Clooney, with the win!
Catherine Zeta-Jones – Brad darling, I’m just gonna ask you, cause I’m curious, the English can be curious from time to time. If Ocean’s Twelve had done better, would you have picked me? Darling, I’m not saying I would have gone for it, I’m just saying the Cryptkeeper can’t possibly last much longer, if you catch my sweet drift. Did you see his last movie? It was like an ad for geritol. Bratherine? Catherad? BradZeta? Catherine Zeta-Jones-Douglas-Pitt! Hmm… Oh Michael dear!
Tom Cruise – Wooo!! Fatherhoood!!! It’s so great huh, buddy? Been a long time since our vampire movie. You wouldn’t let me talk you into coming down to the center, and I respect that. But I’m proud of you for staying strong. But how about we get together and talk about the kid coming down. We can do wonders for child development; getting rid of infantile disease, infantile drug use, we can manipulate her DNA. Heck, I’ll even let her play with little Suri. That kid can – (SIRENS BLARE IN THE BACKGROUND) Ah, dammit. Brad, I gotta go, the KatieBot’s trying to escape again. The fourth time this week. You’d think she’d have learned by know. KAAATIIIIE!
James Haven (Angelina’s Brother) – How about a kiss for the new mother?
Tyler Durden – Shiloh was the beginning, now it’s moved out of the basement, it’s called Project Mayhem.
Edward Norton – I just wanted to say congrats for bagging Angelina, cause that means that I really bagged Angelina, right? Wait, if you’re in Namibia, does that mean that I’m in Namibia? Oh shit. I am Jack’s West Nile virus.
Gwyneth Paltrow – Just by the by, I would have never made you move to Africa. London, maybe, but at least they have running water and yoga mats. As a gift for your new child, I had my husband write you a song. You know my husband, right? Kind of successful, kind of cool. In a little band called COLDPLAY? Enjoy Africa, Brad. I hear Namibia is for lovers. And THE PLAGUE!
Suri Cruise – Brad, Angelina, it’s me, little Suri. I tripped the alarm to get him out of here for a minute. You’ve gotta help us. Please, we’ll do anything. It’s worse than you know. The tests they make me take. Do you watch Lost? You know the Others? These guys are worse. Please, my Mom is a good person. At least I think she is, I don’t get to see her much, they keep her in the tank most of the day. He’s coming back, I don’t have much time. Help me Brangelina, you’re our only hope.
Julia Roberts – I wish I had the time to say a few nice words to your new family, but I’m just so busy, what with my blinding success on Broadway. Those Tony Awards commitments are pretty strict. Wait, what, I didn’t get nominated for a Tony Award? And no one is coming to see my show? Not even if I unleash the mega-watt chiclets? And now no one wants me in their movie? Not even Clooney? … well then. Seems I have some time on my hands. Congratulations on the new baby! I hope it’s more of a success than The Mexican.
Billy Bob Thornton – Can I just say how glad I am I never knocked you up, Angie. Could you imagine trying to talk my redneck ass into moving to Namibia? Seriously? Do they even have Orange food over there? I would have starved to death! Enjoy Africa, the plague, the kid and your vacant-eyed boytoy, but remember, I still have the pictures, I still have the blood vials, I still have the knives and I still have the contract for your soul. That lease don’t run out for quite some time. I’ll be waiting…
Jennifer Aniston – I don’t want to talk about the past, and all that stuff that happened. I’m beyond it, I’ve moved on, I’ve got a number one movie, I am good. Wait, what, People Magazine wants to do a cover story? … Brad hurt me! I am in so much pain! I don’t think I’ll ever get over our relationship! Also, go see The Break-Up, now in theatres.
Robert Redford – You’re a lucky man, Brad. They say you’re the new Redford, but I don’t know, I kind of wish it were the other way around. In my time, there were no tens. I had to nail Barbra Streisand; there was no one else! And here, you get Angelina Jolie. It’s just not fair. You got the money, the girl and the abs and I’ll I have is pockmarks and an over hyped film festival. Maybe Newman will agree to the Butch Cassidy sequel and I can cast Scarlet Johansson. An old guy can dream…
Colin Farrell – Shiloh, I congratulate you and I envy you. Angie was my Mom for a time, and let me tell you, fucking fantastic, man! Sponge baths, cuddling, fucking breast feeding like there was no tomorrow! It was fucking wild man! Woo, miss that girl. She still have that little mole on her- well, heh, you’ll find out. When you get the chance, tell her little Colin says “goo goo”, she’ll know what it means.
Jon Voight – Shiloh, it’s your Grandpa. I don’t think I’ll be seeing you anytime soon, so make Mommy put on the first Tomb Raider movie so you’ll know what I look like. Or turn on any of the talk shows, chances are I’ll be on pimping your birth and trying to get some publicity for myself. I love you, kid, even if your hot Mother doesn’t think so.
God – With parents like that, I didn’t have to lift a finger. I just sat back and watched reruns of Laguna Beach. That’s how the G-O-D rolls.
Sean Preston Spears – Hey Shiloh, what up, it’s me, little Sean P. What say you, me and Suri hook up for a little kiddie three-way. Think about it. I got mad baby pleasing skills. My Dad’s been teaching me some tricks. Holla atcha boy, playgirl!
Bangarang!
Funny, funny stuff. If I may be so bold:
Katie Holmes – Congratulations to you both. Motherhood is wonderful, much more fulfilling than a career making movies and being famous. I hope you look forward – as I do – to long days and nights of quiet solitude with your baby as the years tick by. (all of the above spoken while she blinks out distress messages in Morse Code)
And excellent use of that $4.1 million “exclusive” picture! :)
Well, if you’re not gonna shank a tabloid out of their exclusive, than what’s the internet good for?