Let’s be real, there are no superheroes in this world. While it would be nice to have some guy in pansy red booties flying around saving babies and trains, it’s just not happening. There will never be a guy in full black latex tooling around New York City in his batmobile (the traffic alone precludes this); there is no blond-haired Adonis who can breath underwater and talk to the fishes (as much as Entourage would have us believe otherwise). Wolverine just does not exist, as much as every woman alive would like him to. No, there are no real superheroes in this world.

What we do have is as close an approximation as we’re going to get: Movie Stars. Movie Stars are the equivalent of superheroes, there pretty, they’re in peak physical condition, they’re charismatic (most of them anyway) and most of all, we idolize them. Sure their heroics are usually reserved for the silver screen, but for most star struck fans, movie stars are mortal gods. The true believers don’t spend much time discerning the difference between saving the world on DVD, and saving it in real life. When Bruce Willis drops the nukes onto the asteroid, or Dennis Quaid walks from Washington D.C. to New York (in 3 days!), or Nic Cage pops green smoke on Alcatraz, some people really believe they are watching the actions of a superhero.

And you know what? Who am I to tell them otherwise? Really, who’s to say that they AREN’T superheroes? That they don’t have powers beyond mortal imagination? If you think about it chances are good that most movie stars do have super powers; the power to charm millions of people, the power to make men fall in love with them, the power to cure all forms of illness ever invented by humans (Thanks Tom!). I know for a fact that some celebrities have, at the very least, suspicious abilities. For example, Reese Witherspoon, who has the ability to annoy me whenever I see watch her movies. Or Sean Connery who has the ability to keep his Scottish accent no matter where his character is from. Or Samuel L. Jackson who commands the F-Bomb with an almost preternaturally high level of difficulty.

In all seriousness, I know Movie Stars don’t REALLY have superpowers. The closest they come is through CGI and make-up. But wouldn’t it be cool if it were true? If CGI didn’t exist and Tobey Maguire really could shoot spider webs out of his wrists? If Will Smith really could fly a fighter jet into an alien mothership and Jeff Goldblum could take down an advanced alien technology with a simple Apple iMac virus? Yes, things would be a lot cooler if celebrities were mutants with superhuman abilities (as opposed to the regular mutants they are now).

And that thought got me wondering, if Movie Stars really DID have superpowers, what would they be? I thought about it for a while, made some wild assumptions and eventually figured it out. Here’s what I came up with:

Morgan Freeman: Superhuman Narrating Abilities

Tom Cruise: Unlimited Scientology Powers (Do not face him in battle, his powers are LIMITLESS!)

Ben Affleck: Critical Praise Repellent (To stop those pesky good reviews.)

Keanu Reeves: Charisma Boost

Colin Farrell: Superhuman Liver Capacity

Nic Cage: Voice Amplification (to combat the mumbles)

Nicole Kidman: Anti-Wrinkle Powers (concentrated in the forehead region)

Vince Vaughn: Rapid Fire Vocal Capabilities (as well as heightened wit)

Jessica Biel: Stronger than ten men.

Jim Carrey: Elasticity

Hilary Swank: Gender-Changing Abilities

George Clooney: Commitment Shield (natch)

Jim Caviezel: Jesus Powers (Rumors confirmed by respected San Diego anchorman Ron Burgundy)

Sylvester Stallone: Gravity Defying Physique (powers currently fading)

Lindsay Lohan: The ability to turn her crotch into both Fire AND Ice, depending on the situation (or her mood).

Jessica Alba: Can turn pre-pubescent boys into mush.

Sean Connery: Superhumanly Cool Accent

Cameron Diaz: Magical Swirling Ass (Must be contained for fear of inciting Global Thermo-Nuclear War.)

Hayden Christensen: Franchise-killing powers

Diane Lane: Alien beauty that improves with age.

Russell Crowe: Can throw a cell phone faster than a speeding bullet; can also unleash hell on command.

Vin Diesel: Can walk backwards into shadow better than any man on Earth.

Drew Barrymore: Vocal lisp doubles as an all-powerful cuteness generator.

Hilary Duff: Super-Strong Teeth (Attained by accident through an incident involving nuclear waste, a bottle of white-out and an ill-advised horse-tipping.)

Hugh Jackman: Adamantium Endo-Skeleton, Mutant Healing Powers

Anne Hathaway: Hypnotic Yabbos

Samuel L. Jackson: Bad Mutha Fucka!

Paul Walker: Human Wood-Pencil Sharpener

Jennifer Lopez: Impervious Backside.

Jack Nicholson: No actual powers, he’s just that cool.

Al Pacino: Sub-Sonic Vocal Capabilities (In other words, he can yell really loud.)

Brad Pitt: Armor Abs

Julia Roberts: Mega-Watt Smile, ability to power a city with a single lip curl.

The Rock: Raised eyebrow sends out a debilitating energy pulse.

Donald Trump: “Hair” Doubles as Emergency Follicle Parachute

David Schwimmer: Superhuman Caucasian-ness

Winona Ryder: Thrifty

Uma Thurman: Can perform deadly five point palm-exploding heart technique.

Christopher Walken: Heightened Monologue Performance Powers

Emma Watson: Jailbait

Renee Zellwegger: Impenetrable Scrunchy Face

Angelina Jolie: All-Powerful Lips

Tara Reid: Party Monster

Kate Beckinsale: Looks really good in black leather.

Bruce Willis: Unbreakable; also, Dies Hard; also, is really a ghost.

Katie Holmes: Zombie

Robin Williams: Covered in fur; also super-speed (emphasis on “speed”).

Britney Spears: Parenting Powers

Michael Jackson: Putty Nose conceals secret all-powerful young boy magnet.

Derek Zoolander: Really, really ridiculously good-looking.

Chuck Norris: Unparalleled martial arts abilities; also, his tears can cure cancer. Too bad he never cries.

Bangarang!

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