Alternate (Sarcastic) Movie Taglines

The tagline.

Wikipedia describes it as “a memorable phrase that [sums] up the tone and premise of a film”. It’s usually a quick phrase, nothing more than a trifling of words. A slogan. A jingle in word form. A ploy to get you to remember where to spend your money. But done right, created with verve and passion and used with precision, it can set the movie world afire and enter the pop culture lexicon.

In space, no one can hear you scream.

Who you gonna call?

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water.

His whole life was a million to one shot.

Look closer.

Those are arguably the most memorable taglines in modern movie history. They sold their respective movies, did their job and they became something else. You say any one of those taglines and people know what you’re talking about, even if they haven’t seen the movie. When DVD has gone the way of Beta and BluRay has given over to NanoHD or whatever nonsense platform they try to foist on us to make more money, “In space, no one can hear you scream” will still be around, and will still be making you remember that alien egg cracked open, light spilling out, with something terrible lying within.

I’m a geek for movie marketing. I analyze the posters, critique the trailers, judge the stills. I whole-heartedly believe that the campaign for a film is more important than the film itself. No matter how good a film is, without the proper advertising no one will go and see it. Sell a film well and it grosses a hundy before anyone even realizes it was terrible. Advertise your film unlike any other that came before it and The Blair Witch Project grosses $140 Million and has people throwing up in the aisles and believing the film is real.

This is why it’s so important to come up with the right tagline. Unfortunately, the last five years have produced some of the worst taglines this side of Roger Corman cheapies. Nonsense like: “Prepare for bottle.” (The Pacifier) and “Want to see a really killer website? It’s the last site you’ll ever see.” (FearDotCom). And I just cannot abide by crap like that. So in the interest of satisfying my need for niftier taglines, and in the service of being sarcastic and bitchy, I have compiled a bunch of official movie taglines and come up with a few alternate ideas. I think they better describe the movie as a whole and make a stronger impact with the audience. Also, they totally make fun of their movies. Enjoy.

Click: What If You Had A Universal Remote… That Controlled Your Universe?

- Alternate Tagline: What If You Had An Adam Sandler Movie… That Was Worse Than Mr. Deeds?

Firewall: Nothing Is More Dangerous Than A Man With Everything To Lose.

- Alternate Tagline: Nothing Is More Dangerous Than Harrison Ford With A High Speed Modem.

Da Vinci Code: Seek The Truth

- Alternate Tagline: Seek The Barbershop

War of the Worlds: This Summer, the last war on Earth won’t be started by humans.

- Alternate Tagline: This Summer, the last war on Earth won’t be started by humans. But it will be started by Scientologists.

Basic Instinct 2: Everything interesting begins in the mind.

- Alternate Tagline: Everything interesting begins in Sharon Stone’s dusty minge.

Brokeback Mountain: Love Is A Force Of Nature

- Alternate Tagline: Anal Sex on a Mountain is A Force Of Nature

Anchorman: His news is bigger than your news.

- Alternate Tagline: You’ll Be Stuck in a Glass Movie Theater of Hilarity

Failure to Launch: To leave the nest, some men just need a little push.

- Alternate Tagline: To make out with Sarah Jessica Parker, some men just need a little push (and a big paycheck)

Fantastic Four: Prepare for the fantastic.

- Alternate Tagline: Prepare for angry comic book geeks.

V For Vendetta: People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people.

- Alternate Tagline: Natalie should not be afraid of Star Wars geeks. Star Wars geeks should be afraid of Natalie.

Fun With Dick and Jane: See Dick Run

- Alternate Tagline: See Dick go Straight to Video

When A Stranger Calls: Whatever You Do, Don’t Answer The Phone.

- Alternate Tagline: Whatever You Do, Check Out the Hot Jailbait Actress

Ocean’s Twelve: Twelve is the new eleven

- Alternate Tagline: Crappy is the new good

The Benchwarmers: It’s Never Too Late Too Take A Stand.

- Alternate Tagline: It’s Never Too Late Too Turn Around and Rent Napoleon Dynamite.

You, Me and Dupree: Two’s company. Dupree’s a crowd.

- Alternate Tagline: Owen Wilson could not be creepier in this movie. Seriously. We tried to do it, but you cannot improve on creepy perfection. He’s creeptastic!

Sin City: Walk down the right back alley in Sin City and you can find anything.

- Alternate Tagline: Walk down the right back alley in Sin City and you can see Carla Gugino’s boobies.

Just My Luck: Everything changed in the wink of an eye.

- Alternate Tagline: Everything changed in the wink of an Icecrotch.

American Pie: There’s something about your first piece

- Alternate Tagline: Piefucking is hi-larious!

The Last Samurai: In the face of an enemy, in the Heart of One Man, Lies the Soul of a Warrior.

- Alternate Tagline: In the face of Scientology, in a room at the Celebrity Center, Lies the Soul of the KatieBot.

The Shaggy Dog: Tim Allen Living in a Dog’s Life

- Alternate Tagline: Because Tim Allen Can’t Just Do Those Santa Movies All the Time

Minority Report: Everybody Runs

- Alternate Tagline: Everybody Runs… From Tom Cruise

Troy: For Honor. For Love. For Victory.

- Alternate Tagline: For Money. For CGI War Scenes. For One Good Fight Scene.

Revenge of the Sith: The saga is complete.

- Alternate Tagline: The saga has raped your childhood.

Rumor Has It…: Based on a true rumor.

- Alternate Tagline: Based on a true-ly bad screenplay.

Syrianna: Everything is connected

- Alternate Tagline: Everything is confusing

Match Point: Passion Temptation Obsession

- Alternate Tagline: Scarlet Johansson Breast

AVP: Whoever wins… We lose.

- Alternate Tagline: Whoever sees this movie… You Lose

King Kong: The eighth wonder of the world.

- Alternate Tagline: Ladies and gentlemen, this is Chewbacca. Chewbacca is a Wookiee from the planet Kashyyyk. But Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor. Now think about it; that does not make sense! Why would a Wookiee, an eight-foot tall Wookiee, want to live on Endor, with a bunch of two-foot tall Ewoks? That does not make sense! But more important, you have to ask yourself: What does this have to do with this alternate movie tag lines? Nothing. Ladies and gentlemen, it has nothing to do with this post! It does not make sense! If Chewbacca lives on Endor, you must see King Kong! Here, look at the monkey. Look at the silly monkey!

Bangarang!

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8 Comments

  1. Nola says:

    I personally think they should just do away with individual taglines altogether in favor of one generic, universally distributed tagline that reads something like this:

    ‘One more movie that’s been pumped out as quickly as possible, with as little attention to actual quality of content as a generic twinkie, to allow us to take the money of the lowest common denominator in massive amounts and live in the manner to which we have become accustomed.’

    That sounds about right.

  2. Pmm32183 says:

    “You’re just wasting your time and money going to see this movie.”

  3. The Jay says:

    Pete, what movie is that quote supposed to be aping?

  4. Pmm32183 says:

    It’s for all movies. They just need one generic quote.

  5. sup says:

    HERES A TAG LINE: STFU

  6. mmee says:

    Here’s a tagline for this website.

    “He went for humor. He failed.”

  7. allie says:

    lol, movies are a part of peoples lives, taglines if there or not wont stop people from seeing the movie

  8. [...] header just below the site title), and I wanted a place to archive them for future reference. …Alternate (Sarcastic) Movie Taglines The Jay Fresh and …Those are arguably the most memorable taglines in modern movie history. … So in the interest of [...]

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