While watching the ads for You, Me and Dupree this week I couldn’t help at marvel how big Owen Wilson’s shag haircut has become. It was pretty manageable in Starsky & Hutch, a little ungainly in Wedding Crashers and full on out of control in Zoolander, but it’s become something out of this world, now. The shag has become so glorious it reminds me of Marge Simpson, who sometimes hides things in her big blue beehive doo. And that got me wondering what types of things Owen Wilson could hide in his hair, if he were so inclined. So I made a list.

Here are some things I think are hiding in the majestic blond locks of Owen “The Butterscotch Stallion” Wilson’s shag cut:

  • Change for the bus

  • Deleted scenes from I Spy that make the movie good (Well, not good, but maybe less bad).

  • A map to the location of Jimmy Hoffa’s body.

  • The box office grosses for Superman Returns.

  • The thimble from my Monopoly game.

  • The long in development (but secretly completed) Guns N’ Roses album “Chinese Democracy”.

  • The original prints of Episodes IV, V and VI. George Lucas leaves them there for safe keeping. Also because he’ll never need them.

  • Naked pictures of Bea Arthur (it helps to keep him centered).

  • His car keys

  • The Playboy Magazine that had Kristy Swanson in it (Owen is a huge fan of Mannequin 2: On The Move.).

  • Nuclear launch codes (He’s hiding them from Bush. The Butterscotch Stallion is a devout pacifist.)

  • Extra cartilage for his nose.

  • Two perfect, white calla lilies (And they in no way make him appear at all less manly.)

  • Jared from Subway’s lost 100 pounds of body fat (It keeps the Stallion’s head warm in the winter.).

  • All the socks that have ever been in lost in a washing machine ever.

  • A printout of his imdb page. The Stallion is nothing if not career driven.

  • Rosebud

  • The secret password used by members of The Frat Pack (He’ll give you a hint, it rhymes with “coop tokes are honey”.).

  • More shag

  • A list of e-mail passwords for all his ex-girlfriends (The Butterscotch Stallion is sneaky sneaky.).

  • Pam Anderson’s first set of implants (Owen collects whore memorabilia.).

  • Emergency butterscotch

  • Ben Stiller jism (Kept in a protective container with an unbroken seal and a seven-digit anti-decryption password. It must not get into the hands of the Russians!).

  • 17 No. 3 Pencils (Little known fact: Owen does not know how to operate a pen. He’s tried several times, even attended a Learning Annex course, but it never took. He just can’t do it.)

  • Suri Cruise

  • The first draft of the Warren Report (the one that said Kennedy was killed by a drunk driver).

  • Fourteen empty peanut shells. Many have mistaken the shag for a trashcan.

  • Seven returned engagement rings. The women all loved him, but they weren’t IN LOVE with him.

  • The island on Lost (Owen is a secret benefactor of the Hanso foundation.).

  • Elvis, but only on Tuesday’s (The King rotates daily between famous celebrity hairdos. Word has it he stays in Lenny Kravitz’s fro on Thursdays, Paul Giamatti’s beard on Sundays, and Oprah’s minge on all Jewish holidays.).

  • Three baby parakeets. The mama mistook the shag for its bird nest and Owen hasn’t had the heart to tell her it isn’t. The Stallion is nothing if not compassionate to all God’s creatures.

  • The answers to a sophomore year math quiz that he forgot about, and as a result, failed miserably (The Butterscotch Stallion can not add.).

  • A helipad, though he rarely allows choppers to land. It’s only for extreme emergencies.

  • Peter Pan’s shadow

  • The legendary 40,000 Atari cartridges of the E.T.: The Extra Terrestrial videogame (He’d go ahead and play the game, but alas, Owen does not own an Atari. His Mom got him a Sega Genesis for Christmas by mistake, and Owen subsequently became obsessed with Sonic the Hedgehog and shunned all things Atari.).

  • A list of 10 reasons why Kate Hudson is so famous (And either he won’t show them to anyone, or they secretly all begin with, “Her Mom is Goldie Hawn.”).

  • Dandruff

Bangarang!

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