While watching the ads for You, Me and Dupree this week I couldn’t help at marvel how big Owen Wilson’s shag haircut has become. It was pretty manageable in Starsky & Hutch, a little ungainly in Wedding Crashers and full on out of control in Zoolander, but it’s become something out of this world, now. The shag has become so glorious it reminds me of Marge Simpson, who sometimes hides things in her big blue beehive doo. And that got me wondering what types of things Owen Wilson could hide in his hair, if he were so inclined. So I made a list.
Here are some things I think are hiding in the majestic blond locks of Owen “The Butterscotch Stallion” Wilson’s shag cut:
- Change for the bus
- Deleted scenes from I Spy that make the movie good (Well, not good, but maybe less bad).
- A map to the location of Jimmy Hoffa’s body.
- The box office grosses for Superman Returns.
- The thimble from my Monopoly game.
- The long in development (but secretly completed) Guns N’ Roses album “Chinese Democracy”.
- The original prints of Episodes IV, V and VI. George Lucas leaves them there for safe keeping. Also because he’ll never need them.
- Naked pictures of Bea Arthur (it helps to keep him centered).
- His car keys
- The Playboy Magazine that had Kristy Swanson in it (Owen is a huge fan of Mannequin 2: On The Move.).
- Nuclear launch codes (He’s hiding them from Bush. The Butterscotch Stallion is a devout pacifist.)
- Extra cartilage for his nose.
- Two perfect, white calla lilies (And they in no way make him appear at all less manly.)
- Jared from Subway’s lost 100 pounds of body fat (It keeps the Stallion’s head warm in the winter.).
- All the socks that have ever been in lost in a washing machine ever.
- A printout of his imdb page. The Stallion is nothing if not career driven.
- Rosebud
- The secret password used by members of The Frat Pack (He’ll give you a hint, it rhymes with “coop tokes are honey”.).
- More shag
- A list of e-mail passwords for all his ex-girlfriends (The Butterscotch Stallion is sneaky sneaky.).
- Pam Anderson’s first set of implants (Owen collects whore memorabilia.).
- Emergency butterscotch
- Ben Stiller jism (Kept in a protective container with an unbroken seal and a seven-digit anti-decryption password. It must not get into the hands of the Russians!).
- 17 No. 3 Pencils (Little known fact: Owen does not know how to operate a pen. He’s tried several times, even attended a Learning Annex course, but it never took. He just can’t do it.)
- Suri Cruise
- The first draft of the Warren Report (the one that said Kennedy was killed by a drunk driver).
- Fourteen empty peanut shells. Many have mistaken the shag for a trashcan.
- Seven returned engagement rings. The women all loved him, but they weren’t IN LOVE with him.
- The island on Lost (Owen is a secret benefactor of the Hanso foundation.).
- Elvis, but only on Tuesday’s (The King rotates daily between famous celebrity hairdos. Word has it he stays in Lenny Kravitz’s fro on Thursdays, Paul Giamatti’s beard on Sundays, and Oprah’s minge on all Jewish holidays.).
- Three baby parakeets. The mama mistook the shag for its bird nest and Owen hasn’t had the heart to tell her it isn’t. The Stallion is nothing if not compassionate to all God’s creatures.
- The answers to a sophomore year math quiz that he forgot about, and as a result, failed miserably (The Butterscotch Stallion can not add.).
- A helipad, though he rarely allows choppers to land. It’s only for extreme emergencies.
- Peter Pan’s shadow
- The legendary 40,000 Atari cartridges of the E.T.: The Extra Terrestrial videogame (He’d go ahead and play the game, but alas, Owen does not own an Atari. His Mom got him a Sega Genesis for Christmas by mistake, and Owen subsequently became obsessed with Sonic the Hedgehog and shunned all things Atari.).
- A list of 10 reasons why Kate Hudson is so famous (And either he won’t show them to anyone, or they secretly all begin with, “Her Mom is Goldie Hawn.”).
- Dandruff
Bangarang!
this is stupid… his hair isn’t that big, let alone big at all.
That is one of the funniest things I have read lately. Especially since I am a bit of a Shagman myself.
oh yeah, liz? well, you’re stupid!
best article ever
uh.. the ATARI game E.T. was for Atari, not Nintendo.
The internet has reached an all time low. Congrats.
The E.T. cartridges weren’t for the nintendo, they were for the atari 2600, released years before the NES.
I agree. His hair isnt big/long at all. Almost every guy in Hollywood is clean cut, so if guys have something other than short hair, everyone freaks out. Its rather stupid really
Re: The Nintendo mention
You guys are right, thank you. It was a typo. I’ve changed it to read Atari, so now you’re comments don’t make sense. But at least your voices were heard. Long live the internet (and all its beatiful porn)!
Dear Bangarang!,
I agree with Liz. This is quite silly. His hair his isn’t big. And as Liz has put above, certainly not big at all. If I were Owen Wilson I would sue you for slander. You spread nothing but lies Bangarang!.
Also, nobody should have a name that is always an exclamation. Although I suppose the desired affect might have been for me to think you were screaming your name at me.
Yours Etc…,
Arthur Megapode the III
(deceased)
You guys who are saying this article is stupid obviously have no sense of humor and therefore should not have read it in the first place. It was funny and that’s the way you should leave it. Boring old funsuckers.
A better question is what is he hiding in that nose ass cleft.
To Irritated…..mentioning the exclamation in his moninker serves no point. Entertainment is the name of the game here. I was also touched by the folks who pointed out the flaws inthe genealogy of the home game entertainment systems. I suppose if his list was all about Owen’s nose, we would have Jimmy Durante fans all in a tizzy….that or Karl Malden faithful. Bangarang! you have done a swell job here in your list!
So some of the people who posted here think this is stupid. But they read it, and isn’t that the point? This is awesome.
The Jay resents that. Slander is spoken. In print, it’s libel. (Haven’t you seen Spiderman?)
your mother is hiding in owen wilson’s shag. it was a tight fit, but the butterscotch stallion had pity on her elephant hips and made room with a little extra feathering during his afternoon re-styling.
Irritated: Could you be less observant? What’s the name of this site? What does it say under each post? Wh odo you think I am? Bangarang is my closing send-off, not my name, bro. Don’t you get that?
You gotta come correct (and with some good eyes) if you wanna comment on my site.
Bangarang!
man what’s with all you people…if you don’t like what The Jay has to say then get the f over it and go read something else.
No, no, this isn’t funny at all. Tabi, we have a sense of humor, and I’m sorry Jay didn’t deliver humor. I’m not saying he should watch Dane Cook (who is very funny) and steal all of his material, but just keep writing. One horrible article easily can be made up for by one half-good article (or better, don’t set your standards low, Jay) and the one that got bad reviews will just cease to be noticed.
I like!
Hilarious! I was wondering where baby Suri has been…
OK jeez…his hair isn’t even that bad. Ever heard of RESPECT!! If your hair looked as good as that you wouldn’t be saying anything. This article is just stupid.
I have the nicest readers. With, oooh, the best sense of humor.
This isn’t disrespectful to Owen Wilson. C’mon! It’s a light-hearted piece. I didn’t say one bad thing about him.
I agree with those who say it is stupid. Makes it worse how long it is. ‘Grating.’ Another word.
I don’t think that his hair is long enough but if I have to say something…a very good script for a film in the line of The Royal Tenembauns!
Stupid! Tries to be clever and fails miserably. A map to Jimmy Hoffa in Owen Wilson’s hair? Keep your day job.
he’s hiding the fact that he’s balding. plain and simple.
Now that the hair and nose are covered,how about the ‘pout’.He and Keira make a nice pouting couple.
Brilliant! Is it typically feminine to NOT like this piece?
Eh, I’m a guy, it wasn’t that funny. Here’s a tip, if you have to explain half of the “jokes”… it’s not a joke.
Wow you guys are really defensive about his hair. Get a life. Its a joke!
I need to tackle him – I’m DYING to hear the new Guns ‘n Roses album!
And YES, his hair is strangly BIG. I just watched “Wedding Crashers” last night and in several scenes it seems out of control. Is he hiding going bald or something?
That being said, I LOVE the guy…
This is bit pointless, but still funny.
I’m a fan of Owen anyhow.
He’s a Texan, big hair is in his genes or is it jeans.
What is in there one of the lost cities of gold the Spanish were looking for.
You forgot Sheryl Crow’s collection of dildos, and her career. Sorry Sheryl, but if you’ve slept with 2 guests that are sitting on Leno’s couch, you are a whore!
Jeebus that’s harsh, Dimo. Warranted yes, but harsh.
The first cut really IS the deepest.
That was so damn funny! The shag has been a subject of constant fascination for some time now. This should have it’s own Wikipedia page under “Awesome”. I was wondering where Jared’s extra weight went.
LOL
I like this. It appeals to my bizarre sense of humor!
Wow. This wasn’t remotely funny. Kinda like Owen Wilson himself.
I write, so I loved this piece. It’s an off handed slap at a lack of talent actor getting big bucks and accolades for being… Luke’s brother???? Of course, Owen supported Luke getting into the biz as said on the Comedy Central news slap. This piece does a nice job for satire on this level without taking the ez way out… Owen’s nose if you did catch the drift… his hair is hardly the point, I hope.
People that don’t find this funny, must not uderstand that this blog is mostly (if not ALL) satire. Keep up the great work Jay!
ok, first off, this is the lamest thing i have ever read….Are people really that jealous of a star? do you NOT have anything better to do?? Did you truely get paid to write this? it is a waste of time, a waste of space, and a waste of probably someone brilliant talent of working for a newspaper.
The Jay – you are insane, and I adore that about you! Ignore these wackos who lack a sense of humor. This was incredibly funny, and highly entertaining.
This is really an example of someone with too much time and celeb jealousy on their hands.
Go read a book.
sounds like someone is jealous of that gorgeous hair
Oh for the love of irish what is wrong with all you nay saying people? No one is jealous of the beautiful Owen’s success and people probably do have better things to do but come on–it’s entertaining! Very funny and I’m sure Owen himself would love it.
very funny and brillant. I guess there’s Owen Wilson’s fans here who don’t understand humour.
I’m not sure what’s hiding in his shag, lots of hair products maybe? And, has anyone noticed his resemblance(sp)to a young Dennis Hopper?
I haven’t see all of Wilson’s films, but did like The Minus Man.
I agree with you clerkgirl. My goodness people – if you don’t think it’s funny that’s one thing but to get soooo defensive when Owen himself has built his career on comedy (both good and bad, mind you) is ridiculous. Owen has a sense of humour and I think he’d appreciate it.
“A printout of his imdb page.
Muhaha! Brilliant. And of course the box office grosses for Superman Returns.
Haha. This is great.