A while back, before I met The Lady, I used to belong to a bunch of those online dating services (eHarmony, JDate, Match.com, et al). I never went on a date with anyone from those sites, mostly because I found the whole thing somewhat icky. But I did get a good bit of enjoyment out of reading the profiles. People try so hard to look good, but most of the time they come off looking desperate, slightly crazy and totally, unintentionally hilarious. I’ve been thinking a lot about those online profiles this summer, especially when I go to see superhero/ comic book movies. Superheroes aren’t doing too well in the love department these days. Superman can’t get it right with Lois, Wolverine keeps striking out with Jean Grey. Batman lost Katie Holmes to evil villain The Cruiser and his death ray, Scientology. And Spider-Man has to deal with Kirsten Dunst, which is a lose/lose situation no matter how you look at it.

It got me thinking about how hard it must be for superheroes and comic book characters to have real relationships. They have to keep up the secret identity, there’s always a risk their arch-nemesis will go on a killing spree, and on and on. Meeting people in bars is out of the question, as spandex isn’t usually on the dress code. So where do they go to meet other singles? They probably have to go online. And if they did, I wonder what they’re profiles would look like. Would they reveal who they really are? Would they advertise their powers? So many intriguing questions abound, that I had to see for myself. So here’s what I think a few superhero online dating profiles would like (Assuming of course that these people really existed.).

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Superman

Username: KalEl1

Headline: Looking For a Super Girl

Vitals: Male, early 30’s, Metropolis

About Me: Sometimes I feel like I come from another world; I have a hard time connecting with people. But I’m strong, courageous, truthful, patriotic, and I love to fly. Helping people makes me feel good. And so does a nice pair of red boots.

What I’m Looking For: Someone who is not afraid to fly. My perfect mate would be plucky, smart and mischievous. Interest in journalism a BIG plus.

My Idea of Our Perfect First Date: Soaring over the Metropolis skyline, maybe a quick trip to the Eiffel Tower, than back to my place in Antarctica where we’d chill out (literally).

What I’ve Learned from Past Relationships: Don’t leave them for five years to fly to your home planet and not tell her you’re leaving or how long you’ll be gone, and then when you get back you find she has a kid, she’s dating Cyclops from X-Men, she wrote a trashy bitchfest about you and is getting an award for it, and worst of all, now looks like a little surfer pixie and not at all like Teri Hatcher.

I won’t do that again.

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Wonder Woman

Username: PrincessLyndaC

Headline: Come lasso me…

Vitals: Female, age unknown, The O.C (?)

About Me: I’m Greek. Well, Greek mythology, anyway. I’m Amazonian. I’m somewhat of a Feminist (but I still love watching The Bachelor). I look great in blue stars underoos. I like to wear gold bracelets. I can astral project into mythic lands. I demand honesty from people. And I like to spin in circles sometimes.

What I’m Looking For: Someone who will respect me both as a woman and as a creature of this earth. Someone who can match my strength and intelligence, yet will appreciate my softer side. I need someone undaunted by my prowess as a fighter, and not intimidated by my connection to the Gods or my ability to stand toe-to-toe with Superman. That or that cute guy from The O.C. who likes Death Cab For Cutie. He’s way dreamy.

My Idea of Our Perfect First Date: We’d go flying in my invisible jet, obviously. There’s no better fun than that. Maybe we’d crank call Batman. Or tap the glass at a sushi restaurant, to piss of Aquaman. It’s all in good fun. Besides, what’s he gonna do, sick a Great White shark on me? I’m freaking Wonder Woman! I’ll gut that shark like the old chick in Jaws 4.

What I’ve Learned from Past Relationships: Do not use the lasso of truth on a guy when you ask him if you look fat in those jeans. He will invariably tell the truth. And the truth hurts (But you know what? I really did look fat in those jeans.).

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Spider-Man

Username: WebSlingerGuy

Headline: Must Love Bugs

Vitals: Male, 20’s, New York City

About Me: I’m just your average guy. I like the city. I like to go to school. I’m a pretty good photographer. Sometimes I shoot spider webs out of my wrists. It’s, you know, normal stuff. Also, I’m pretty strong. I do pilates.

What I’m Looking For: I’m looking for someone who isn’t afraid of the unknown. And by unknown I pretty much mean bugs. Spiders, more specifically. Spiders are people too, you know. They get a bad rap, but I like them.

My Idea of Our Perfect First Date: Well you’d want to meet up and go to the theater, but I’m gonna get there late. There was a mugging I had to stop. You’ll be pretty pissed at me for missing our date, but I’ll make it up to you my saving your life when a car drives through the window of the coffee shop we’re at. Then I’ll spin a big web and we can lay in it. I’m quite the romantic.

What I’ve Learned from Past Relationships: Don’t let them get to know your best friend. He’s a lot richer than you, and with much better cheekbones. Next time, only introduce girls to your ugly friends, so that you look more attractive by comparison. Also, no actresses.

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Mystique

Username: BlueBaby2006

Headline: I could be anybody, but I wanna be yours…

Vitals: (Very Blue) Female, early 30’s, USA

About Me: Who I am is irrelevant. Who I could be is much, much more important. One day a blond, one day a redhead, one day the guy that runs the counter at 7-11; whatever keeps me interested. Also, I’m very bendy.

What I’m Looking For: Someone who doesn’t mind me looking different every time they see me. Someone who gives as good as he gets. Someone who really likes the color blue. Mutant healing powers are a plus, as I can get a little… um, aggressive.

My Idea of Our Perfect First Date: You’d pick me up from my boss’s secret lair, we’d go to a high security compound and I’d break out some criminals. Afterwards I’d beat up some hapless security guards and steal the password to the Pentagon mainframe. And if you’re really good, at the end of the night we’ll go back to my place and I’ll shape shift into Jessica Alba.

What I’ve Learned from Past Relationships: Moody guys with a lot of body hair just aren’t right for me, as much as I love the type. Also, don’t sacrifice yourself for a guy if you know he’s kinda crazily fanatical about his cause and will abandon you the moment you become different from him.

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Hulk

Username: HULK!

Headline: HULK WANT GIRL!

Vitals: (Very Big) Male, 30’s, San Francisco

About Me: HULK BIG! HULK GREEN! HULK LIKE GIRLS! HULK LIKE BUBBLEGUM ICE CREAM ON WARM SUMMER NIGHTS! HULK LIKE LONG WALKS ON BEACH AND SMASHING ARMY HELICOPTERS!

What I’m Looking For: HULK WANT BRUNETTES! HULK WANT SENSE OF HUMOR! HULK WANT GIRL WHO LIKES THE COLOR GREEN! HULK NEEDS GIRL NOT SCARED OF BIG MUSCLES!

My Idea of Our Perfect First Date: HULK GO TO STARBUCKS! HULK TAKE YOU TO SEE NEW PIRATE MOVIE! HULK FAN OF JOHNNY DEPP’S WORK! HULK FAKE THAT HE’S TIRED AND PUT ARM AROUND GIRL! HULK A SMOOTH OPERATOR!

What I’ve Learned from Past Relationships: HULK LEARN NOT TO GET ANGRY! YOU WOULDN’T LIKE HULK WHEN HE ANGRY!

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Wolverine

Username: LoganXXX

Headline: Wanna do this, bub?

Vitals: Male, age unknown, Wherever I damn well please

About Me: I couldn’t say much about myself. I don’t know my parents. I don’t know how old I am or when my birthday is. I don’t even know where I come from (but I’m pretty sure I spent some time in a lab). But here’s the thing I do know: I’m strong, I’m unbreakable, I’m surly as all get out, I smoke like a chimney. My personal motto: I’m the best there is at what I do, and what I do isn’t very nice.

What I’m Looking For: Someone who likes body hair. Someone who is perhaps telekinetic and looks like a hot dutch actress. Someone who does not have the ability to shape shift (and who hates the color blue). Moody chicks are ok, too.

My Idea of Our Perfect First Date: I don’t go on dates, bub.

What I’ve Learned from Past Relationships: If her father is a member of the Yakuza, probably not a good idea to date her. If her boyfriend can shoot optic blasts out of his eyes, probably not a good idea to hit on her. If she’s blue, can shape shift and is friends with Magneto, avoid her at all costs.

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Batman

Username: PointyEars

Headline: Brooding Guy Seeks Gothic Girl

Vitals: Male, late 30’s, Gotham City

About Me: As a man I’m flesh and blood. I can be ignored, I can be destroyed. But as a symbol, as a symbol I can be incorruptible, I can be everlasting. Also, you know, I’m Batman!

What I’m Looking For: A girl looking to date me must have no fear. No fear of bats. No fear of random supervillians kidnapping you and bringing you to their secret lairs as bait so I’ll come and rescue you. And they must not be allergic to black latex.

My Idea of Our Perfect First Date: First I would be on the roof of a tenement, watching you walk home. Some criminal would accost you, try to steal your purse, or something. Then I would shoot a batarang at him, fly down and kick his ass. Thoroughly impressed and totally turned on, you’d want to go back to my place. So I’d put you in my car, drug you so you didn’t know where we were going and poof! We’d be back at my place ready to let the night take us where it will.

What I’ve Learned from Past Relationships: No reporters. Nobody who likes cats. Nobody who has an affinity towards plants. Nobody named Robin. And no psychologists! I’m serious about that one. I know I’m messed up, that’s why I watch Dr. Phil.

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Storm

Username: QueenOroro

Headline: Wanna Weather the Storm With Me?

Vitals: Female, 30’s, Upstate NY

About Me: I’m African royalty. I know a lot of girls think they’re princesses (When all they really are, are those American princesses who get Range Rovers for their Super Sweet Sixteenth birthdays.), but I really am royalty. You don’t have to bow to me, and I don’t have rose metals dropped at my feet like in that Eddie Murphy movie, but you do have to show me some respect. Because if you don’t respect me, I will make life very cold for you (Or very hot. Or very cloudy. Really it’s whatever I’m feeling like that day.).

What I’m Looking For: Someone who is prepared for any extreme, because you never know when the winds could change (Or if I’m the one whose changing them. I am quite sneaky. You’d never know it to look at me. Unless you looked right at me and noticed my eyes had gone pure white. Other than that, absolutely no tell-tale signs.).

My Idea of Our Perfect First Date: We’d take a walk on the beach at sunset, and I’d make it extra beautiful by clearing the clouds from the sky. Then just when the sun was almost gone I’ll make it start raining and we can have an ultra-steamy make out session in the rain. And the kiss will be so good that the wind would pick us up and we’d do it while flying over the city. And all that could be yours, so long as you don’t pick me up in a small car. I don’t do well in confined spaces.

What I’ve Learned from Past Relationships: Some toads don’t turn into princes. But do you know what happens to toads when they’re hit by lightning? The same thing that happens to everything else!

Bangarang!