I finally got around to seeing the new Pirates of the Caribbean flick, and while I didn’t love it (unbelievable special effects, unbelievably annoying script), I found myself inexplicably intrigued by one facet of the movie: Orlando Bloom’s complete and utter blandness. Over the course of a butt-killing two and a half hours I watched him swordfight, romance Keira Knightley, jump around, do some swimming, be dramatic, play some dice and generally be swashbuckling, yet at no time during the entire proceeding was I riveted by his performance. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying he’s a bad actor; he hits all his marks, he commits to the role, he says his lines well, he’s not ugly, but there’s just nothing to him that sparks any interest in me. I mean he’s dashing and all. He’s dashing. But wouldn’t it have been more interesting if that part was played by say… Ewan McGregor? Or Ryan Gosling? Wouldn’t you have rather seen Captain Jack Sparrow tangle with Obi-Wan Kenobi?
Think back through Orlando’s small cinematic resume and you’ll find that he fades into the background of pretty much every movie he takes. Sure, he was cool as Legolas in Fellowship of the Ring, but other than the awesome way he mounted his dewback-like creature in The Two Towers, there was absolutely nothing interesting about him in the final two movies. He was relegated to a bit part, supporting player even though he was IN the freaking Fellowship. In Troy, you’re watching Brad Pitt and Eric Bana be all sorts of bad ass, and Brian Cox is delivering those classic one-liners (“…then every son of Troy shall diiiiiie!!), but what’s Orlando doing? Boning the blond chick from National Treasure? Standing around looking wussy? I would have preferred Vincent Chase. Moving on, Orlando was flat out paint-dryingly boring in Elizabethtown, completely harmless and ineffective in Kingdom of Heaven, and blown off the screen by a fey, rococo Johnny Depp in Pirates.
I can not recall a moment where I’ve been watching Orlando Bloom act in a movie and thought to my self “Man, that guy’s got charisma. I just can’t take my eyes off of him.” What I do remember every time I finish an Orlando flick, however, is saying to myself: “Was Orlando Bloom in that movie? Really? Are you sure it wasn’t, like, Freddie Prinze Jr., or something?”.
So just how bland is Orlando Bloom, really? Blander than brown rice? Blander than Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House? Blander than the color beige? I tried to put his blandness into words, but found myself uncharacteristically speechless. I tried to compare him to more charismatic actors, but that doesn’t seem fair to the other actors. So in need of a way to properly chart Orlando’s total bland-osity, I created the first ever Pop Culture Scale of Bland***. And just like Pirates 2 is storming the box office, good ‘ole Legolas stormed the Bland chart. Let’s see how it all came together.
So according to my remarkably precise Pop Culture Scale of Bland, Orlando Bloom is far blander than Tobey Maguire and vanilla yogurt, just a bit blander than a head of lettuce, and exactly as bland as white bread and the entire CBS primetime line up. That seems about right. So another of life’s most important questions solved here at TheJay.com. It’s all in a day’s work.
Bangarang!
*** If you want to display “The Pop Culture Scale of Bland” on your site please make sure to include a credit and a link to www.TheJay.com. Thank you.
Rock on! Excellent post, Jay!
And about the comments: I am so incredibly sick of seeing Orlando Bloom’s fans (all of whom are still in junior high and high school) pop up on entertainment sites posting rants that defend Bloom’s lack of acting chops on the grounds that “he’s young yet” or “he’s trying” or “anyone who disses Orlando’s (lack of acting skills must be fugly.”
Umm, hello?
On the young tip, Leonardo DiCaprio was freaking brilliant as an actor when he was barely out of his teens. Ditto River Phoenix. So youth is no excuse for suckiness.
What’s more, Mr. Bloom may look like a nineteen year old, but the guy is twenty-nine; he’ll be thirty in 2007. He is not young enough to be able to use youth as an excuse for lack of talent.
But what ticks me off most of all is the “he’s learning” argument (the same rationale, incidentally, that Keira Knightley’s fans used when the BAFTAs — the British equivalent of the Oscars — refused to nominate her for her characteristically piss-poor performance in Pride and Prejudice). This argument has two flaws.
First, the guy received an undergraduate degree from one of the best Drama programs in England (London Guildhall). Why should movie-goers “give a chance” to someone who has received professional training — and has the degree to prove it? He’s had time to gain technique, skill, and the ability to project charisma; he just hasn’t done so because he doesn’t have the talent to do so. Deal with it!
Second, this isn’t pee-wee baseball or the third-grade ballet recital, folks, it’s professional entertainment. The “let Orlando learn on the job” argument is pure hooey in this context: the man is getting paid millions to act, and that’s what people who are critical of his performances are demanding that he learn to do better. If his fans want him to be given room to “learn,” then they should encourage him to start performing at the local community theatre or summer stock program and leave the multi-million dollar roles to hotties who really can act.
Finally, a word about the latter, “hottie” point. I think that many of Bloom’s fans — particularly those of the teenie-bopper variety — fall back a bit too quickly on the “people hate Orlando and refuse to acknowledge his acting skills because he’s so fine” argument. I’m sorry, but this just doesn’t wash. Bloom is incredibly gorgeous (if a little thin); no quibble there. But there are scads of young actors who are both sex-on-a-stick good-looking and able to act. If Bloom’s fans want him to be able to simply stand around looking cute while they ogle him, then they should encourage him to become a model: then y’all would get to see your hottie regularly, and the multi-plex would be safe for those of us who like our eye-candy with a side-order of actual talent.
Yours Sincerely,
American Expatriate in the U.K.
P.S. If you are a young fan of Bloom’s reading this, before you hit the ceiling and start typing a blistering reply, please do me two consecutive favors that will ultimately help you as well. Seriously. STEP 1: Google photos of Johnny Depp and Leonardo DiCaprio from the early 1990s. Drool-worthy hotties, no? STEP 2: Rent What’s Eating Gilbert Grape? on DVD or VHS. Notice an important truth: the same ethereally good-looking guys whose early-1990s hotness you just checked out are in this early-1990s movie — and they are both acting their asses off. They’re young; they’re good-looking; and they are talented: they are not wasting viewers’ time by “learning on the job” or “developing charisma.” Please think about this the next time you are tempted to make the excuses listed above for Orlando.
Omg !! i could not h8 Orlando more !! ma email address is i.luv.johnnydepp!! so u can tell i LUV Johnny !!
DID U KNO
That they are going to cut him out of Pirate of the carribbean! Bcoz his character is not needed~!! haha!! it tru !!
lol add me 2 msn !!
i.luv.johnnydepp@hotmail.com
Eventhough I don’t think he is as bland as you describe him, but I do agree that most of the actors he co-starred with have better acting skills than him. I don’t want to be mean and hurt anybody’s feelings but just listen to his talking. There’s a quiver in his voice when he talks. Sometimes it’s obvious, sometimes it isn’t. I believe he could improve it.
P.S. I’m not a(n) Orlando Bloom / Legolas fan. Just a LOTR fan. But he ain’t my fave character.
[...] In the second installment of MKDC Remembers, I will take a closer look at the movie Troy, starring Brad Pitt and some other people. Orlando Bloom might be one of those people. Anyway, my ownership of this movie comes with quite the story. I was sucked into one of those Columbia House DVD deals where you get a bunch of crap and stuff and some other things, then you give them money, then you get some emails, then you get a few DVDs. This was lame. I realized that I had to buy 11 DVDs before I could cancel my account. ELEVEN! (It took a year for the “We-really-want-you-back!” letters to stop coming. Seriously, never engage in those damn things.) The average DVDis like, 18 dollars, and 11×18 is at least a billion, and I don’t have that kind of money. Anyway, I really wanted the movie A Beautiful Mind and as a free bonus, I could either get Troy or Britney Spears’ Crossroads, a coming of age story about Lucy, a simple girl who wants to make it in the big world. Or something. The choice was pretty clear. [...]
I have noticed this as well in the past few years.
while my sister is enamored by him…I detest how even his accent seems to be fake ( hes british right ) it just seems to be overdone
[...] The Jay Just How Bland Is Orlando Bloom, Really?I finally got around to seeing the new Pirates of the Caribbean flick, and while I didn t love it (unbelievable special effects, unbelievably annoying script), I found myself inexplicably intrigued [...]
how can you say that i mean yea i know you have an opinion but i’d like to see you get your ass up on that screen and perform. you gotta be brave to do that. i agree he might need to perfect his acting a little but give the guy a break. yea there are people that outshine him. thats because they are experience and the movies differ along with their script. i personally think johnny depp is alot better but orlando also can act. johnny is just one of the people that outshine him.
PS i’m not trying to start an arguement i’m just posting my opinion just like you.
[...] The Jay Just How Bland Is Orlando Bloom, Really?I finally got around to seeing the new Pirates of the Caribbean flick, and while I didn t love it (unbelievable special effects, unbelievably annoying script), I found myself inexplicably intrigued [...]
i agree the first was better but you gotta give the actors credit
the second movie was actually kinda weird
so yeah ive got accept that orlando was great in lord of the rings but his other movies arent very great so i guess ill just stick with watching lord of the ring
[...] The Jay Just How Bland Is Orlando Bloom, Really?I finally got around to seeing the new Pirates of the Caribbean flick, and while I didn t love it (unbelievable special effects, unbelievably annoying script), I found myself inexplicably intrigued Permalink TrackBack [...]
[...] It’s not surprising that of the 120 columns I’ve posted on TheJay.com, “Keanu Reeves Does NOT Suck, And I Can Prove It” and “Just How Bland Is Orlando Bloom, Really?” have the most number of comments. The central figures of each post, the unintentionally awesome Keanu Reeves and the (hopefully for his sake) unintentionally bland Orlando Bloom, inspire fierce passion in their fans. On any given day I receive comments calling me all manor of awful things for my lambasting of the man who was Legolas, and an equal number of ego-boosting boot lickings for my loyal defense of the Wyld Stallyn himself, Ted “Theodore” Logan. What it comes down to, I think, is the disparity in how I view each of the actor’s respective talents, and my reader’s contrasting views on the subject. [...]
[...] to eat Luke Perry in Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Jonathan Silverman is the epitome of bland. He rivals Orlando Bloom in his blandosity. Basically, he sucks. But I will give the show a chance for two reasons: Kelly Hu and Lori [...]
[...] Kate Bosworth has no right to complain about constantly falling asleep during sex with her boyfriend, Orlando Bloom. Unfortunately, the blandness extends to all aspects of his life. [...]
[...] Pirates of the Carribean 4 (now with less bland actors!) [...]
Yep, Blandorama, I watched Troy last night and was wondering why Legolas was in it wearing a different wig.
Orlando in Pirates “Ooh, I’m Boring!”
Orlando In Troy “Ooh (same accent) I’m Boring!”
Orlando playing a New York Taxi Driver “Ooh, Do you want to go to the park sir?”
As for all the chicks saying but this but that, shows how shallow they must be if it’s all about looks lol, just my 2 cents, I may get some change
P
I am gobsmacked at the amount of people that think Orlando is bland! I can’t fault a single performance of his – I think he’s fantastic, a great actor, charming individual and he cares about the environment too! very interesting on and off screen.
why does every ugly bitch think she can have someone like that dont u fat fucks know hes a butt pirate
http://www.mostbeautifulman.com/gossip/bloom/orlandobloom2.jpg
[...] “You’d be pissed off to if your big summer blockbuster was tanking, and you were dating the blandest guy in Hollywood.” [...]
[...] Orlando Bloom – Please! [...]
[...] Reason To Get Naked: Wait, he’s not a chick? [...]
[...] Bloom: I’m sorry I’m so bland. There really nothing I can do. I’ll try to be more interesting. Maybe I could date Lindsay [...]
[...] It’s true. 07/25/2006 | Pop Culture, Web Tags: Al Gore, Orlando Bloom [...]
YOU ARE SOOOO RUDE IT’S NOT EVEN FUNNY!!!!!!! U DON’T HAVE TO BE A BITCH TO GET YOUR OPINION OUT! YOUR SAYING SHIT THAT’S RUDE AND DISRESPECTFUL TO ORLY!
I AGREE WITH CARIE! ID LIKE TO SEE YOU GET UR ASS UP THERE AND WORK AS HARD AS HE DOES!!! U KNOW U CAN’T DO IT! SO DON’T BE RUNNING YOUR MOUTH ABOUT BULL SHIT U DON’T EVEN KNOW!!!
“Orly”? Really? Way to undermine your argument, kid. You might as well have signed the post “I’m An Idiot”, for all the good your words were going to do.
Saw the film, dunno what this guy is talking about: Orlando Bloom CAN’T ACT TO SAVE HIS LIFE. Can’t deliver a line, hold a scene, more wooden than the ships themselves. Totally and utterly upstages by Depp, Geoffrey Rush (outstanding) and the tentacled Davy Jones. While we’re on it, Knightley is blooming (get that?) useless too! Christ, I had to sit through her pouting for 3 + hours opposite Bloom pulling the same expression.
I’m not bitter, he looks nice I suppose, so let the girls enjoy, let the guy have his moment. But hollywood is a trickster: behind the special effects, music and gloss, acting still matters. People are tricked into not seeing when actors are simply crap. But if you look real hard, try to see Orlando actually ‘performing’ – then pick your jaw off the floor in disbelief. There is nothing going on.
Oh the humor, the tradgedy, the endless bickering! Let me tell you, this article and all comments following have most absolutely made my day…
Orlando is a great guy. Yes, you heard me, a great guy. Evident proof lies for this in the fact that currently Bloomie boy is a terrible actor, and thus inable to actually NOT be anything other then what he appears to be.
And i find it hillarious that the same people who tell me to quote “get a life” unquote continue to post gazillions of comments. Who was it that didn’t have a life again? Oh right, it was me. Sorry, I forgot.
Oh yes, but i do watch his movies. Let’s face it, the guy is perfect, like a circle, a beautiful, tan, muscular, passionate eyed circle. Am I hypacritical? Sure. But, oh god I’m STRAIGHT, for christ’s sake.
Orlando Bloom is the most amazing actor i ever seen, along with Johnney Depp, Sir Ian McKelken & few others he is my absolute favorite! Because of him i have the courage to become an actress myself. he is amazing in LOTR (wich i watched all extended editions in a row 14hs & 45min & seen all others over 1000xs (prob) he was fantastic in worlds end. the only thing i didn’t like was hoe celipto became a giant person when she complained about being traped in Diadolmas body.over all i loved it, i just wish i didn’t have to pee 30 min into the movie. if orlys mother reads this tell him his fans think he’s great (i know he doesn’t like computers) to all orly & LOTR fans u rule & anyone who dosn’t like either Eas ka qui umnak ta dule (sp) i really can say it. dreamers Estellio Amend 9trust ur heart). byes.**
Maiafay i luff you , luff u 2 orly
however i disagree with the fact that he needs to learn more! actors do need to continue learning, but how he acts now is fanominal. i wish to become an actree & belive me its not going to be easy, but orly is an insparation & helps me through my doubts. hes awsome & any one who thinks otherwise has never acted B4 & they have a stick up their butt ^^ byes have a good day. * Estellio Amend*
i disagree completly i think he is the hottest guy on this planet. when i saw the 3ed
movie i could not fogese on his acting i just saw his adorible face!!!!!*
Personally, people are only sticking up for him because he’s hot period. Seriously people, everyone knows OB is cute but all their looking at IS HIS LOOKS. Got it memorized? L-O-O-K-S. And what’s that is that. He’s bland, get OVER IT!
Ok ,maybe what I said was a little harsh but it’s true. People don’t look on the insides. Just the out. His life is hard. And that’s all I’ll say.
Hit. Nail. Head.
Which is why I was rooting for Liz to end up with Jack Sparrow in the end. Charisma is something you either have or you don’t. And IMO, Bloom doesn’t have that “it” factor.
Or to put it another way – which caused more “buzz”…Jack and Liz kissing or Will and Liz kissing?
They should’ve written Will as Liz’s well-meaning brother. That would have been more suitable for the actor and given the movie a more sizzling romantic angle with Jack and Liz.
Orlando Bloom sucks, he is so wooden
And he isnt even good looking, look at him in Black Hawk Down and the Calcium Kid
He is a total pussy, looks and personality
[...] Orlando Bloom transforms into a bowl of bland brown rice. [...]
yes…his performance may not be as good as you say… but its because that is how the characters are suposed to be…. if they needed a more stron man..he woul do it.. its becuase he is an ACTOR AND ACTOR ge it? he INTERPRETATES persons…its not him in real life.. he is just a CHaracter…..get it?? HE IS SOOO CUTE LOVE HIM
naturally, i wouldn’t look up OB at all, but this is a good site. Sure its true that OB needs a tad bit more of talent but does that change his ways? No way Jose!! he’ll still be the same cute guy that you wouldn’t see every day but one day he will finally be good like how the others are and you’ll all be impressed. but-hey- maybe I’m wrong. Just give him a little faith and I’m sure he’ll get it right someday.
[...] Bloom – Bland as an episode of Seventh Heaven. And with the same acting range, too! Moted, Will Turner! [...]
[...] e-mail the webmaster of that person’s fansite. Instant comment flaming. It did wonders for my Orlando Bloom Is Bland [...]
i think orlando is great.. he looks beautiful and he is kind.. i saw him once in a cafe and he smiled at me for no reason. i dont like his movies but i would still like to have him in my bed though lol
This man has made it. He has like a billion fans all over the world. His salary is way to high now.
[...] who watch Orlando Bloom act and find him to be bland have sufficient reason for feeling so. Fact is he’s bland; there is a void of charisma when [...]
[...] as I am a fan of the Bend It Like Beckham star, always support survivors of the Orlando Bloom Blandness Plague, and am still trying to show appreciation for making Pride and Prejudice exceedingly watchable, I [...]
[...] Why It’s Terrible: If you’re picking characters to be from Troy and you choose Orlando Bloom, you deserve the beating you’re inevitably going to get. But don’t bother going to the cops, this might be the only acceptable hate crime we have in this country. After all, there’s no law against punching a bland actor in the face for making Pirates of the Caribbean 2 so freakin’ boring. [...]
STUPIDDDDDDD ASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS !!!!
ORLANDO BLOOM HAS NO CHARISMA?
where the fuckin shit did u get that?
He’s amazin n ur jst a jealous ass hole
no offence rlly but he’d kick ur rotten ass any day of ur worthless borin empty life !!!
C ya l8r C**T
Oh, Orlando has charisma (sometimes) but I think he’s just way too GREEN. Fame happened way to fast for him, LOTR and POTC cast the spot light on him and fangurls went nuts, but he has not really earned it yet, he’s still too green and was’nt ready for leading roles. If he wants to last he needs to hire new reps and do smaller films, be the costar and study more. He does have potential to earn great stardom if he does’nt blow himself out too quickly.
No one goes there nowadays, it’s too crowded.