Celebrities just don’t apologize enough. They release statements that try to white wash bad behavior, but no one ever comes outright and admits wrong doing. And that’s a mistake. With all the lying and cheating and paparazzi bashing and internet stalking going on these days, it’s hard to believe anything that comes out of anybody’s mouth. But I bet if someone were accused of something, say Paris Hilton getting accused of hacking into Lindsay Lohan’s cell phone (which actually happened last week), and Paris came out and said “Hell yeah I hacked the Firecrotch. She’s mean and she deserved it,” I bet no one would be mad at her. Heck, I bet she’d probably gain points in most peoples eyes.

You see, we like the truth. And we like the humility that stars must show when they tell the truth. Celebrity scandals would flame out much faster if the stars involved just came right out and admitted their involvement. We know (all) celebrities aren’t perfect. You have to be at least 35% crazy just to want to be in the entertainment industry so it’s no surprise when an actor turns out to be nuts and/or violent and/or sexually deviant and/or pure evil (Loved you in Baretta, Robert Blake!). So it’s a surprise to me that more stars don’t go down this road.

Wouldn’t you like La Lohan better if she just admitted to the coke and the anorexia? Wouldn’t you like Colin Farrell better if he just admitted he bangs anyone that so much as blinks at him (male or female)? Wouldn’t you like George Lucas better if he apologized for Jar Jar and the Star Wars prequels? I know I would.

We need to make this happen. We need to force celebrities to confess to their sins and hone up to the truth. And while we attempt to come up with a way to do just that, here’s a sampling of some of the tearful celebrity apologies I’d like to hear most.

Nicole Ritchie: Paris, I’m sorry I invited all your friends over to watch the video of you getting nailed by that greaser. That was wrong of me (but funny). I’m sorry about that one time when you got so drunk you passed out and I tattooed “Skaz” into your upper thigh. That was mean of me (but again, funny). And I’m sorry that I may have given you herpes. That was a weird night for me (this one’s not so funny); it’s confession time: I’m the real Firecrotch. And I’m very contagious.

Brad Pitt: I’m sorry, Jen. I know it was wrong of me to leave you for Angie, but really, do you blame me? That girl’s body is so perfect, I feel like a “3” whenever I’m around her. She may not be as down home as you. She may not smoke two packs a day like you. And she may not let me stay in Malibu instead of trekking all over Africa helping dirty foreign kids like you. But in the end, she’s still Angelina Jolie and you’re still Jennifer Aniston. Really, I’m not sure what I’m apologizing for.

You, Me and Dupree: I’m sorry I ever claimed to be funny. Everyone was telling me how important I was and how Little Man was gonna kick my ass. What else could I do? I caved to movie peer pressure. But I did learn a valuable lesson: Never cast Kate Hudson in a movie that’s supposed to be funny.

Britney Spears: I’m sorry for becoming all trashy, ya’ll. But there’s only so much a person can do deny her true roots. And like my roots, I’m as backwater as they come. Please continue to fantasize about me when I used to be the hottest tits on legs. One day I’ll make it all up to you guys. Maybe a packed hard, laid down wet Playboy spread when I’m 35 and desperate. Will that make it up to y’all?

Harrison Ford: I’d apologize for Firewall and K19 and Six Days, Seven Nights and pretty much my entire career post-1997, but I’ve been drunk pretty much every day since the Air Force One premiere, so screw all of you. I’m rich, I’m grizzled, I’m dating a troll and I’m never making Indiana Jones 4. Now leave me alone! I’ve got to go fly my airplane and sign onto a mediocre action movie.

Jack Nicholson: I’m sorry I’m so “Jack”. There’s not much I can do about it. So get used to it. I’ve been awesome for a long time now. And I’m going to continue to be awesome for the foreseeable future. So I’d rather you just said thank you and went on your way. Go Lakers!

Rachel McAdams: The Jay just told me I don’t have to apologize for anything. He says I’m perfect just the way I am. What a nice guy. I think maybe I’ll break up with Ryan and go challenge The Lady for the The Jay’s honor. Now where did I put those brass knuckles Lindsay gave me on Mean Girls?

Zach Braff: I’m sorry for appearing like I have absolutely zero interest in being on Scrubs anymore. It’s just that I am so damn kick ass now that Garden State did so well at the box office ($24 Million). I am way above this TV crap. Now if you’ll excuse, I have to go cash my latest Chicken Little residual. Humility doesn’t come cheap you know.

The Entire Cast of The O.C. (Minus the non-dearly departed Mischa Barton) : We’re sorry our show sucks now. But hey, at least we killed off Mischa. That’s something, right? Please watch us. It’s so cold here on Fox.

Orlando Bloom: I’m sorry I’m so bland. There really nothing I can do. I’ll try to be more interesting. Maybe I could date Lindsay Lohan? Would that help? If I killed a guy, would that fix the problem? I don’t know. I guess, maybe I could try acting better… wait, hmmm, I may be on to something here.

Colin Farrell: I’m sorry for denying that I ever knew that crazy bitch who attacked me on Leno and who’s suing me right now. It’s not that I lied so much as that I literally cannot tell all my sluts apart. Who can remember anyone’s name when you’re shit faced off of Yeager and Red Bull and four deep in groupies and playboy bunnies? Whoa, what’s that thing on my penis? Eh, doesn’t matter. Ladies, now serving number forty-seven? 47?

Sylvester Stallone: I’m sorry about Rocky 6. Just thought I’d get that out of the way. You know, save me some time.

Fergie (from the Black Eyed Peas): I’m sorry I keep claiming I’m not a dude. Sometimes I just forget. Then I scratch my balls and I remember.

Suri Cruise: I’ve sorry I haven’t let any of you see what I look like. It’s not what you think. I’m real. I’m not a pod baby. I don’t have three arms, or six toes or any other weird appendage. It’s just, well… I’m embarrassed by my parents. I don’t want to be the kid on the street that everyone points at and goes “That’s Tom Cruise’s kid. Poor thing…” I don’t need your sympathy, ok? I just need some privacy. If people find out what I look like, I’ll never get a fair share. No guy will ever want to bang me. And the only way I’m getting out of here is if I get knocked up the first chance I get. So don’t you fuckers ruin this for me! Go away, let me do my time and when I’m a pregnant, runaway, heroin junkie at 14, I promise I’ll give you all the interviews and pictures you want.

Haley Joel Osment: I’m sorry I got loaded and crashed my Saturn station wagon (!) into a mailbox. I’ll promptly head to rehab where my publicist can stage my ratings-boosting Primetime Live sobriety now/redemption interview. As it turns out I don’t see dead people, but I do see a stint on The Surreal Life.

Emmanuelle Chriqui: I’m sorry I haven’t gotten more naked on Entourage. I know you’d think that after a bunch of hook up scenes with Nicky Hilton’s little boyfriend, a slew of potential nipple slip-favored shirts and good lord, a freaking threesome, that I’d lose my top just once. But it just hasn’t happened yet. I’ll try to rectify this at the earliest possible chance. Maybe this weekend. Especially if The Piven asks me to. I can’t deny him anything.

George Lucas: I don’t apologize for anything! If you don’t like my movies, don’t watch them, I don’t care, I’ve got billions! And I have the precious original, untouched negatives, and you’ll never get to see them. Ha haha hahaha aha (twirls beard hair like a Bond villain). … I suck.

Tom Cruise: Wooo! Apologize? Don’t be glib. You know Scientologists don’t believe in forgiveness. It goes against Xenuian emotional weakness laws. Wooo! Time to go back to “planning” the wedding. Katie, do you want roses or daffodils? Just kidding! Ha! Like you get a choice in the matter. Silly girl, you fall for that every time.

Lindsay Lohan: I’m sorry to all the teen boys of America who weren’t able to whack off to me in good conscience last year. I’m sorry to all the random guys I’ve hooked up with and never returned their calls (especially the ones that start out “Lindsay, I just got my test results back…”). I’m sorry to all the young girls who used to think I was a role model until I started doing mass amounts of coke and banging all of Paris’s ex-boyfriends. I’m sorry to all the movie studios and production companies who’ve lost money because I didn’t show up for work (Exhaustion is a serious disease, people!). But most of all, I’m sorry to my breasts, who did so much for me and my career, and I repaid them by nearly deflating them for an entire year. Girls, it’s great having you back. I’ll never have you surgically removed again!

Bangarang!