The action movie is dead, or so goes the current popular theory. They say (and we must believe them, for “they” is never wrong), that in a time of war audiences do not want to see things blow up, bad guys shot to pieces, or good prevailing over evil. And with old school action stars Arnold, Sly and Bruce albeit retired from the genre that made them famous, the silver screen is now devoid of a blue chip action star. Well take note, because “they” are very, very wrong.
There is one man out there who has earned the right to take the mantle of “The New Last Action Hero”. The one that can bring back the old glory days of mindless 80’s action fluff. That has the ability to take on fifteen bad guys at once, dispatch them all and deliver a cutting one-liner, all without breaking a sweat. Someone who actually enjoys being an action hero. And it doesn’t hurt that he shares my first name.
Jason Statham is the new, and the one and only, true action star. Think I’m wrong? Let’s go down the list of potential current action heroes and you’ll see that only Statham has what it takes to make it in action.
The Rock - He hasn’t made a movie that anybody at all even cares about. I’m looking right at you, Gridiron Gang.
Matt Damon – A goofy looking white guy that accidented himself onto this list with the Bourne movies. He’s only pretending to take the throne in between his real job as a “serious actor”.
Paul Walker – Has the abs but not the brains, charisma or acting abilities (and yes, that’s compared to Arnold, Sly and Bruce).
Vin Diesel - Well, let’s just say that Bruce Willis never wrestled a duck in any of his action movies. And if he had, he surely would have won the fight.
Matthew McConaughey – By the day, looks more and more like someone who would much rather hit on chicks, hang with one-balled former bicyclers, grow unruly facial hair and cinematically romance daffy blondes, than make a good action movie. Sahara wasn’t bad, but I bet it’s all we ever get from him. He’s a romcom slave now and forever.
Ryan Reynolds – Would be a good action star so long as he never opened his mouth. If that ever happens look for him to be a solid B-movie action guy.
Hugh Jackman – Odds are good the only time you’ll ever see Hugh in action is either in a pair of tight leather pants on a Broadway stage, or in tight leather jumpsuits in an X-Men movie. The man likes being in tight leather. Not that there’s anything wrong with it…
Josh Lucas – Bland, boring, annoying to look at and loses points for starring in a Reese Witherspoon romcom. All that before we even get into Stealth and Poseidon. Let’s just movie on, shall we?
Orlando Bloom – Please!
No, all the actors vying for the action crown are merely pretenders to the throne, too scared to really go for broke in a genre that can provoke unintentional laughs just as easily as it can adrenaline-pumping thrills. Statham can not only bring the funny (check him in any of the Guy Ritchie flicks, but especially in Snatch), but he also brings the badassary necessary to be an action star. He doesn’t primp or pose or seem at all interested in his appearance. He just cares about kicking ass. That’s what I call an action star.
American audiences require five things out of their actions heroes.
- An inhuman physique
- A goofy accent and/or way of speaking
- A cool name that can be wittled down to either just the first name or just the last.
- Someone who looks cool holding a gun, outrunning a fireball or punching somebody in the face. Basically somebody who looks almost like they could really do all the things they’re doing on-screen.
- A bare minimum of acting ability (i.e. just enough so that they can tune out the dialogue scenes and only remember the gunfights).
Statham satisfies on all accounts. He’s yoked out almost beyond belief. His body has gotten to the point where it’s now written into his contract that he must take off his shirt at least once in each movie, even when no scene really calls for it (an old Sly Stallone trick). And yet in most of his movies he’s curiously over-dressed, which in a way is almost cooler. He knows how ripped he is, yet hides it until just the right moment. An 80’s action hero mindset if there ever was one.
He’s British, so you have the goofy accent right there. And more power to him for overcoming the fact that he is British and yet still convincing as a pure-bred American action hero. We accept foreign action heroes, just look at Arnold or Van Damme, but we’re curiously apathetic towards Brits. Pierce Brosnan got by because of Bond. Nobody thinks Jude Law has what it takes. Irish Colin Farrell is more fun in dramas where he can walk around semi-drunk with a “Did I nail that extra over there, yet?” face on. And Ewan McGregor didn’t even look right in a Michael Bay movie. When Bay can’t make you an action hero, nobody can. And yet, Statham has succeeded with flying colors. I suspect it’s because he talks as minimally as he can, and he kicks ass whenever possible. We’ll forgive anyone so long as he’s willing to sock a dude in the face at the drop of a hat.
Jason Statham is an OK enough name, but I give him extra points because we share a first name. Lord knows Jason Priestley isn’t doing me any favors right now. Jason Biggs only set me back (the idiot piefucker). And Jason Scott Lee was last seen doing roids and begging Harvey Weinstein to let him be Kato in the defunct Green Hornet movie. So I’m in favor of any actor named Jason that makes me seem at all cool in comparison.
It’s pretty much a given that Statham looks the part. Check out the scene where he takes on six guys on an oil slick in The Transporter, where he fights the villain on a crashing airplane in Transporter 2. Or any scene he did in The Italian Job. When a movie bases its entire marketing campaign around you shooting two guns in mid-air (as it was for Transporter 2) you know you’ve reached a point where audiences believe in your action cred.
The last point is a small bonus, as I think he’s a pretty good actor, all things considered. I even endured the “so pretentious it actually stopped being pretentious and just became dumb” Jessica Biel / Chris Evans talkfest London, solely because Statham was in it. And though he reached his requisite one fist fight per movie minimum, he mostly just talked. And I dug the performance. He’s definitely a better actor than Arnold, Seagal, Van Damme and Chuck Norris (even though Chuck Norris puts the “laughter” in “manslaughter”). I’d say he’s on par with Bruce Willis. Think about it, they’re both bald, they both try valiantly to rock a believable hairpiece (see Statham in Revolver), they both like to make the dorky quips, and whenever possible they like to take on roles that people wouldn’t expect (see Willis do sci-fi in The Sixth Sense or 12 Monkeys and see Statham do crappy in the Uwe Boll abortion A Dungeon Siege Tale).
You want one more reason Jason Statham is the new Last Action Hero? He actually likes making action movies. Most male actors today are concerned about typecasting, concerned about who they’re gonna nail at the wrap party, concerned about doing that all-important Oscar bait role. Statham, at least on the outset, doesn’t seem to care about any of that. He knows he’s a bruiser. He knows what got him here. He knows what audiences expect from him. And he gives it to them. It’s an honorable trait for an actor to give the audience what they want. Arnold built an entire career behind it. Sure he dipped his muscled hand into comedy every now and then, but he always came back to blowing shit up. Because that’s what he was good at and that’s what audiences wanted to see him do. I’ll see Arnold in anything so long as he whips out a big gun and says at least one cheesy one-liner (“You’re luggage,” is my favorite.) He could be 60 and I’d go see him in Eraser 6: It’s White Out Time.
Statham is the same way. Transporter 2 opened unexpectedly huge; he could have easily changed things up and done a lame comedy where has to protect a bunch of kids or something. But no, he takes a movie that sounds even crazier than his last one. His new action flick Crank has him running around trying to keep his adrenaline up, because if he doesn’t he’ll die (Basically it’s Speed 3, except he’s the bus). So he robs a liquor store, gets into fights, stands on a moving motorcycle, bones Amy Smart in public and fights a bad guy in an open air helicopter. Sounds like good times to me. It also sounds completely ludicrous, which is a sure sign you’re watching a throwback action flick. Fifteen years ago this would have been a perfect Bruce Willis movie.
Jason Statham is just the right guy to slowly revive the dying action genre. We need someone like him to resuscitate the need for mindless action that’s lying deep inside all of us. To forge ahead, undeterred by years of middling box office returns and apathetic audiences. To remind us all that there’s nothing better to do on a Saturday afternoon than watch a well-ripped guy blow stuff up, shoot some bad guys, say some cheesy dialogue, show no emotion, outrun a fireball and save the girl.
The verdict is in and I find in favor of Jason Statham, the new Last Action Hero.
Bangarang!
Some first impressions you never forget. The first time you saw Rocky facing up Apollo Creed. The first time you saw Christopher Walken dance. The first time you saw Angelina Jolie’s perfect untainted, un-Billy Bob-ed bumblebee lips in Hackers. Those first impressions help to shape our judgments of celebrities. Some first impressions are good (i.e Hugh Jackman kicking ass in the bar fight in X-Men and signaling there was a new badass in town) and some are not so good (It’s hard to take two-time Academy Award winning actress Hilary Swank seriously when the first time I saw her she was being romanced on 90210 by the be-mulleted Ian Ziering). But once you have that first impression, it’s very difficult to change it. 
You see, Mark Wahlberg has a giant mouth. It’s huge. I’m watching Boogie Nights wondering what the big deal is about his schlong, when I just saw him swallow the entire left side of Julianne Moore’s head. The damn thing freaks me out. So whenever I’m watching a Marky Mark movie, be it Three Kings or The Italian Job, I’m enjoying myself and his performance, but I’m always silently waiting for him to open his hugenormous maw and take a T-Rex size chomp out of the guy blocking his close-up.
Talk about first impressions. I’ll always remember her from the pilot episode of Lost where she’s running from the Black Smoke Monster, hides under a tree and starts counting slowly to five. It’s a close-up of her face, with her mouth taking up nearly the entire bottom half of the screen. You needed a wide-screen TV just to stop ABC from having to Pan & Scan. And seriously, why was she so afraid of the monster? She should have just gone out, opened her mouth and growled. Black Smoke Monsters are just like any other fictional animal, you show them dominance and they’ll back down. Either that, or be Mr. Eko. He doesn’t need a big mouth to take down the Black Smoke Monster, he just needs his sweet bible staff, molasses-slow delivery and non-symmetrical facial hair.
I really think Christopher Nolan got it wrong in casting Heath Ledger as The Joker in the next Batman flick. Sure it seems logical to have a one-time gay cowboy / blonde-ringlet sporting jouster / teen heart throb play the most famously sadistic villain in all of comics’ history. But wouldn’t it be more logical to cast someone who actually looks like a cartoon character? I mean, good lord, did Teri Hatcher always look like that, or did she fall into a vat of acid and couldn’t afford a better plastic surgeon? Her smile is literally ear to ear. I’m frankly scared of watching Desperate Housewives now. Who knows when she’ll open her mouth to talk and Eva Longoria will just fall in and disappear. It’ll be like the scene in Hook when the stuffed crocodile eats Dustin Hoffman. “Eva’s gone.” And then all the Wisteria Lane townspeople rejoice.
You know you have a big mouth when a movie bases its entire marketing campaign around it. Rosario Dawson’s mouth is almost legendary now, what with her half-kissing / half saliva face coating of Clive Owen in Sin City. Not to mention nearly decapitating wee little Colin Farrell in Alexander. Their sex scene was one part erotic, one part torture, and two parts snuff film. No wonder Colin turned to booze and pills. Anything to make him forget the time he spent in Rosario’s mouth. And let’s not even go into her work in Clerks 2. Watching her kiss the lipless Brian O’Halleran was more traumatic then the Jason Mewes tuck scene. She should stick to gnashing on A-list stars and espousing on the joys of dry humping like she did in Kids. That’s how I like to remember her.
Seriously, go back and watch Fear. We were a half-inch smaller Reese Witherspoon squirrel chin from losing the future Elle Woods to the gaping maw of Marky Mark. He just should not be doing kissing scenes with petite actresses. What if he misjudges his approach and ends of chewing on their ear, Tyson-style? He needs to stick with the puffy lippers, as we can’t afford to lose anymore thin lipped beauties. Kissing Charlize Theron in The Italian Job was the safest thing he’s ever done. Her puffy lips created a makeshift damn, thereby containing the Marky Mark Maw. Just think of who he could take out: Christina Ricci, Keira Knightley, Lucy Lui, Anna Faris. We need to stop the starlet swallowing while there’s still time. 
I know she’s a singer, but remember, not only was she on You Can’t Do That On Television (where I first was introduced to her), but she also played God. If I’m including Jesus on this list, I gotta include the big man (or woman, as it were). Alanis’s mouth is big beyond belief. Whenever I see her perform live the microphone looks like it was made to scale. When she opened her mouth and screamed to blow up Ben Affleck in Dogma, the ensuing carnage wasn’t even surprising. It just confirmed my fear of what she and all the other big-mouthed stars are capable of, should we ever truly piss them off. Ever wonder why Alanis-fiancée Ryan Reynolds got so buff so quickly? He was making sure that when the made love she’d have a harder time trying to swallow him. His muscles are a just a mere mouth deterrent. These are the measures one must undertake to survive in a world where at any moment the Morissette Mouth could end us all. I would say pray to God, but that won’t work, because Alanis is God!
1. Boy Must Be Loving His Life – Before the Boy meets the Girl it is important to establish that he is a good catch. That he is wealthy and/or good looking and/or has abs for days. He must show how in control of his life he is by performing an elaborate morning pedeconference through his office (where he shows up late and no one cares) and suavely flirt with every female co-worker, slap high fives with the guys, make plans to go to the game on Saturday, eat a donut, schedule his next meeting with a nervous, over eager assistant running alongside him and smile the smile of a Boy who doesn’t need a Girl to complete him, the entire time. Bonus points if he says to the assistant “My life just could not get any better” or “I wonder where I can get a $3000 hooker to be my valet / sex slave for a week”.
4. Boy Must Take Girl On A Movie Date Montage – To show that the relationship is heating up, Boy is required to take Girl on a serious of overly-romantic, exceedingly expensive and needlessly time consuming dates, to show that he loves the Girl. These dates can include: taking her to a ballgame where a baseball will inevitably be hit right to her, taking her shopping and serenely watching her try on everything in the store and then whipping out your American Express card to her cheers of glee, taking her on a ride on his motorcycle and doing a wheelie, which will in no way knock her off the bike and shatter her pelvis, have dinner prepared in a highly unusual place like the top of a mountain or, or take her to a club and dance really, really badly (this one is only necessary if the Boy finds himself in a Ben Stiller movie). 
7. Boy Must Learn Something IMPORTANT – This could range from realizing he should not have suggested a three-way with his best friend to his lesbian girlfriend, that he should not be afraid to love the biggest movie star in the world, that he was an idiot for banging his best friend, not cuddling afterwards and going home to get ready for an “early meeting” or for realizing that it’s OK to be in love with a hooker, so long as she has a heart of gold and fifty billion teeth.
10. Boy Must Surrender His Manhood To Girl –Though they get to live happily ever after, Boy is obligated to disavow, disown or completely abandon his former lifestyle and friends. If he used to be a date doctor, guess what, now he’s not. If he was a down home Southern Gentleman, now he must move to the big city. If he was a borderline manic depressive and needed his medication to regulate his behavior, he must now overcome his chemical imbalance without the use of his medication, for the happiness of the Girl. It doesn’t matter if this is not what he wants, or if this is even healthy for him, or for the relationship. He must focus his entire being on the Girl and shun anything that may serve as a potential future obstacle and/or source of fun for the rest of his life. 
So Mel Gibson hates Jews. Tell me something I don’t know. I’ve been aware of Mad Mel’s rabid anti-Semitism since the menorah-burning scene he snuck into the gag reel on the Braveheart DVD. So I wasn’t too surprised by his drunken outburst last Friday (Though the Sugar Tits comment was pretty kick ass. Guess what The Lady’s new nickname is?). What I was more surprised about was why the media has up till now chosen to ignore this pervasive form of hate-mongering. That being “Celebrities Who Hate A Group Of People”. I did some digging into this rising trend of bigotry and found some surprising results. 
