Some first impressions you never forget. The first time you saw Rocky facing up Apollo Creed. The first time you saw Christopher Walken dance. The first time you saw Angelina Jolie’s perfect untainted, un-Billy Bob-ed bumblebee lips in Hackers. Those first impressions help to shape our judgments of celebrities. Some first impressions are good (i.e Hugh Jackman kicking ass in the bar fight in X-Men and signaling there was a new badass in town) and some are not so good (It’s hard to take two-time Academy Award winning actress Hilary Swank seriously when the first time I saw her she was being romanced on 90210 by the be-mulleted Ian Ziering). But once you have that first impression, it’s very difficult to change it.
For me, there has always been one particular first impression that I have never been able to get over. And even though I like the guy a lot (I see his movies, I support his TV show), I can never look at him and not think of one scene from his first major movie.
The guy: Mark Wahlberg
The movie: Fear
The scene: The Rollercoaster Scene
I was fairly young when Fear came out, so besides a passing remembrance of Wahlberg in The Basketball Diaries, the Reese Witherspoon co-starring thriller was my introduction to the man that would be Dirk Diggler. Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch was before my time, so I never met him as Marky Mark (though that didn’t stop me from calling him that), and I didn’t read fashion magazines so I never knew he was an underwear model. Basically, this guy was nobody to me.
So the movie is going along just fine, Reese is being cute (before she got imminently hateable), Alyssa Milano is rocking her slutty phase and the guy who shot Emilio Estevez in the back in Young Guns 2 is doing a fine job as the over-protective dad. Then Wahlberg shows up, hits on Reese and they go to a carnival. And that’s where things go downhill. I’m sure you all remember the scene. Wahlberg and Reese are strapped into the rollercoaster, things get steamy, and he puts his hand on her leg, works north, and then practically mauls her like a starving rabid dog. And that’s when I thought to myself “Wait a minute, am I really watching Marky Mark fingerblast the chick from Man in the Moon? And also, why he is eating her face?” I was honestly afraid for her life. (NOTE: Movie Title edited as per the many comments pointing out my typo. Always remember, I suck at copy editing.)
You see, Mark Wahlberg has a giant mouth. It’s huge. I’m watching Boogie Nights wondering what the big deal is about his schlong, when I just saw him swallow the entire left side of Julianne Moore’s head. The damn thing freaks me out. So whenever I’m watching a Marky Mark movie, be it Three Kings or The Italian Job, I’m enjoying myself and his performance, but I’m always silently waiting for him to open his hugenormous maw and take a T-Rex size chomp out of the guy blocking his close-up.
And you know what? He’s not the only one. There are a slew of big-mouthed actors out there who freak me out. Watching them do kissing scenes is like watching an “Extreme Animal Mating Ritual” documentary on Animal Planet. Like Minnie Driver hoovering John Cusack in Grosse Pointe Blank, or Jim Carrey planting a full-jawed mauling on Lauren Holly in Dumb and Dumber. It’s the only time I live in fear of an on-screen sex scene. There just so many times you can watch Julia Roberts black out half the screen when she opens her mouth before you start praying Hugh Grant just makes it out of there alive.
In an effort to expose the big-mouthed stars of my nightmares, I have compiled a list of the ten biggest-mouthed stars. But before I unveil the list, let me provide three rules for how I compiled the group:
1. There are no singers on the list. Divas have big-mouths by nature (the bigger to carry that much air, though Jessica Simpson keeps a good lot of hers in her head, too). So you won’t see pre or post-Dirrty Christina, or (famous Lifetime actress and Idol winner) Fantasia Barrino, or Mrs. Lachey, or Steven Tyler. Though you will see one singer, it’s important to note she was an actress before she was a singer (which is how I was introduced to her) and therefore qualifies.
2. I made a distinction between big lips and big mouths. Angelina has the biggest lips in the history of history, but her mouth as a whole isn’t that big, circumference-wise. I’m looking for true diameter here, people! So you won’t see Scarlett Johansson either. Or LL Cool J. Or Mick Jagger.
3. Same goes for stars with big teeth. Teeth have no relation to mouth size. So while the two Hilary’s (Swank and Duff) look like they’re smuggling giant size peppermint chicklets in their mouth, they’re not smuggling them onto this list.
The Ten Biggest Mouths In Hollywood
Honorable Mention: Maria Menounos
Mouth Size: Impossible
Had she starred in a movie or done a few more guest spots on TV I could have justified putting her on the list. I’m going to let my boy A-Train describe the size of the Menounos Mouth: “Her mouth is actually bigger than her head. It extends beyond the sides of her face like a lippy muffin top. I don’t know how it’s physically possible, but it’s true”.
10. Evangeline Lilly
Mouth Size: Big
Talk about first impressions. I’ll always remember her from the pilot episode of Lost where she’s running from the Black Smoke Monster, hides under a tree and starts counting slowly to five. It’s a close-up of her face, with her mouth taking up nearly the entire bottom half of the screen. You needed a wide-screen TV just to stop ABC from having to Pan & Scan. And seriously, why was she so afraid of the monster? She should have just gone out, opened her mouth and growled. Black Smoke Monsters are just like any other fictional animal, you show them dominance and they’ll back down. Either that, or be Mr. Eko. He doesn’t need a big mouth to take down the Black Smoke Monster, he just needs his sweet bible staff, molasses-slow delivery and non-symmetrical facial hair.
9. Marlon Wayans
Mouth Size: Quite Large
He makes a creepy white girl, a creepy baby, and most of all, a generally creepy looking dude. Some comedic actors are famous for being long-limbed and elastic (think Jim Carrey), but Marlon seems almost excessively stretchy. If you think I’m wrong, check out the scene in his first big movie, Senseless, where the camera catches a reverse POV shot of his mouth in one of those fish-eye lens filters that were so prevalent in every rap video in the mid-90′s. It’s like a blue whale sucking in baleen. All plankton (and co-stars) gets sucked into the mouth of Marlon. You’ll never think of him the same way again. Not that you thought terribly well of him before. After all, he did make Dungeons & Dragons.
8. Teri Hatcher
Mouth Size: Huge
I really think Christopher Nolan got it wrong in casting Heath Ledger as The Joker in the next Batman flick. Sure it seems logical to have a one-time gay cowboy / blonde-ringlet sporting jouster / teen heart throb play the most famously sadistic villain in all of comics’ history. But wouldn’t it be more logical to cast someone who actually looks like a cartoon character? I mean, good lord, did Teri Hatcher always look like that, or did she fall into a vat of acid and couldn’t afford a better plastic surgeon? Her smile is literally ear to ear. I’m frankly scared of watching Desperate Housewives now. Who knows when she’ll open her mouth to talk and Eva Longoria will just fall in and disappear. It’ll be like the scene in Hook when the stuffed crocodile eats Dustin Hoffman. “Eva’s gone.” And then all the Wisteria Lane townspeople rejoice.
7. Ryan Seacrest
Mouth Size: Gigantic
When the pictures came out of Mr. Metro and The Teri-Joker making out on a beach in Malibu everyone tripped over each other to call bullshit. He’s gay, this was staged, it was all to pump up his image and get her on the cover of US Magazine (it’s worth noting that he broke the ship off the second the press died down). Me? I could care less about all that stuff. I was more worried that the sounds of their huge-normous jaws clanging together would rupture the earth and we’d have another Northridge Earthquake on our hands. This might be the only time two big-mouthed actors made out and both survived with no collateral damage. Which is more than I can say for that guy Julia mauled in Sleeping With The Enemy. I’m pretty sure he’s dead now. Let’s make sure we keep Seacrest off the set of Lost and away from Evangeline Lilly, or Hawaii may be in for some Godzilla-like trouble.
6. Willem Dafoe
Mouth Size: Enormous
Who knew Jesus had such a large maw? Not only is his mouth quite, quite big, but it’s also freaky scary to boot. I don’t even think he used makeup in that Nosferatu movie he did. They just threw a bald cap on him and said “Go for it!” I’m a big fan of the Dafoe, whether he’s helping out Harrison Ford in Clear and Present Danger, putting leaches on his chest and terrorizing Sandra Bullock in Speed 2, getting a candle wax blowjob and parking garage sushi bar run in Body Of Evidence, or giving a beat down to pansy-ass Tobey Maguire in Spider-Man. The Dafoe is cool. I just wish looking at him didn’t give me stomach convulsions.
5. Samuel L. Jackson
Mouth Size: Gi-Normous
You can’t fault the man for having a big mouth, it’s all the better for sucking enough air in to say all those kick ass 11-letter curse words. Telling someone that “…they deserve to die and hope they burn in hell” is far more terrifying when you see that the mouth alone could probably eat them whole and spit them into their graves. Jackson’s got a great smile, and it’s enhanced by how wide and how long and how diagonal the smile goes. When Sam Jackson laughs you know it, because the area around his body gets 60% darker. When The Man drops a laugh, he creates his own shade. And while you bask in that shade, he calls you a motherfucker. That’s how The Big-Mouthed Man rolls.
4. Rosario Dawson
Mouth Size: Huge-Mongous
You know you have a big mouth when a movie bases its entire marketing campaign around it. Rosario Dawson’s mouth is almost legendary now, what with her half-kissing / half saliva face coating of Clive Owen in Sin City. Not to mention nearly decapitating wee little Colin Farrell in Alexander. Their sex scene was one part erotic, one part torture, and two parts snuff film. No wonder Colin turned to booze and pills. Anything to make him forget the time he spent in Rosario’s mouth. And let’s not even go into her work in Clerks 2. Watching her kiss the lipless Brian O’Halleran was more traumatic then the Jason Mewes tuck scene. She should stick to gnashing on A-list stars and espousing on the joys of dry humping like she did in Kids. That’s how I like to remember her.
3. Mark Wahlberg
Mouth Size: Quite Enor-Huge
Seriously, go back and watch Fear. We were a half-inch smaller Reese Witherspoon squirrel chin from losing the future Elle Woods to the gaping maw of Marky Mark. He just should not be doing kissing scenes with petite actresses. What if he misjudges his approach and ends of chewing on their ear, Tyson-style? He needs to stick with the puffy lippers, as we can’t afford to lose anymore thin lipped beauties. Kissing Charlize Theron in The Italian Job was the safest thing he’s ever done. Her puffy lips created a makeshift damn, thereby containing the Marky Mark Maw. Just think of who he could take out: Christina Ricci, Keira Knightley, Lucy Lui, Anna Faris. We need to stop the starlet swallowing while there’s still time.
2. Alanis Morissette
Mouth Size: Awesomely Huge-Normous
I know she’s a singer, but remember, not only was she on You Can’t Do That On Television (where I first was introduced to her), but she also played God. If I’m including Jesus on this list, I gotta include the big man (or woman, as it were). Alanis’s mouth is big beyond belief. Whenever I see her perform live the microphone looks like it was made to scale. When she opened her mouth and screamed to blow up Ben Affleck in Dogma, the ensuing carnage wasn’t even surprising. It just confirmed my fear of what she and all the other big-mouthed stars are capable of, should we ever truly piss them off. Ever wonder why Alanis-fiancée Ryan Reynolds got so buff so quickly? He was making sure that when the made love she’d have a harder time trying to swallow him. His muscles are a just a mere mouth deterrent. These are the measures one must undertake to survive in a world where at any moment the Morissette Mouth could end us all. I would say pray to God, but that won’t work, because Alanis is God!
1. Julia Roberts
Mouth Size: Gi-Hugenormous-Mongus
You know what the scariest scene in Pretty Woman is? It’s not when George Costanza tries to force himself on Julia. It’s not when Richard Gere picks her up and you think “Wow, Richard Gere just picked up a hooker. I hope this ends up with them falling in love and not him sitting in a free clinic waiting to get treated for genital warts”. No, it’s the scene where Gere gives her the necklace, she goes to touch it and he closes the box on her hand, sending her into a fit of epileptic, giant mouthed laughter. I can’t even watch that scene without my hand over my eyes. The mouth is just so, so big. I’m pretty sure I read somewhere that it’s in her contract that she can only be shot with a 70mm widescreen lens, so as not to distort the size of her giant beak. Ever notice that a Julia close-up is never as close up as other actors? It’s because there’s only one Cinerama Dome in the entire world that could fit her mouth on-screen. Ever notice that she only seems to do one kissing scene per movie? It’s because her co-stars are too afraid to shoot a second one. During America’s Sweethearts I was actively begging the screen not to have her kiss John Cusack. He is notoriously small-mouthed, and I feared that one over-exuberant Julia jump would be the end of him. Lloyd Dobler can not fall in the jaws of a hooker with a heart of gold. It just wouldn’t be right.
She will forever be the gold standard for big-mouthed celebrities. Let’s just hope she never makes a movie with anyone on this list, especially Marky Mark. The resulting collision could wipe us all out. Who knew celebrity mouths could be so dangerous?
I did, that’s who.
Bangarang!
(Follow me on Twitter @jasonamatthews)
you are a fucking moronic dicknose. reese witherspoon was never even in man on the moon. get your facts straight you fucking dipshit.
Cant believe Steven Tyler didnt make the list at all…at all.
Billy Brown: Not the Jim Carrey movie, you idiot! The other moon movie called “Man in the Moon”.
Why do I have such ignorant readers?
Bigombre: I told you why Steven Tyler didn’t make the list. Go back and read the rules for creating the list.
what about Gina Gershon? she could fit three or four ‘ginas in that mouth.
Actually the movie is called Man in the Moon but i and o are right next to each other on the keyboard so it’s an understandable typo. But if you’re going to include Alanis Morissette for acting I think you’d have to add Whitney Houston b/c that woman has a big mouth and was in the Body Guard. She didn’t play God though so i guess it’s understandable
WTF? No Jessica Simpson? See could blow a watermelon.
My bad I didn’t read the prereq’s.
maybe we should check imdb before we start calling people moronic dicknoses….
there’s a reason why god created imdb.com
I’m afraid the Brown is right – the movie with Witherspoon is “The man in the moon.”
Anyway, good call on number 1 – that mouth is large and frightening.
Great job, ignoramous. Yeah, Mark Wahlberg has a HUGE mouth. But it’s not as big as your anus.
and 2. Steven Tyler should definitely be on the list. He dabbled in acting if you take a look on imdb.com He played himself in BE COOL but there was also Clubland and the Polar Express in 2004.
just cuz alanis plays a 5-minute non-speaking role doesn’t mean she should be on the list. why not mick jagger then? his mouth is huge and he played himself on The Simpsons. just a thought.
Where the hell is Cameron Diaz?
She looks like Ike from South Park in the mouthal area.
Finally someone said it..Cameron Diaz has a collossally huge, incredibly horrible looking mammoth mouth. Julia Roberts may have an incredibly large mouth, but she wears it well. Cameron Diaz looks terrible.
You are a fucking douche
it’s Man in the Moon idiots
yeah this is kind of lame. It would have been alright without the “Mouth-size” phrases…
what about cameron diaz?
The movie is Man IN the Moon, not Man ON the Moon. Ignorant readers?
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0102388/
Note to all commentators: I have changed the typo for Man IN the Moon, and put a note into the piece telling readers of the change.
As far as calling my readers ignorant, there are nice ways of doing things and not nice ways of doing things. Everyone that merely pointed out my typo (which is what it was. thank you, copy editors) was cool, the first guy that called me “a fucking moronic dicknose” is an ignorant asshole.
Someone types an i instead of an o and everybody starts calling each other dumbasses and douchebags. Relax a little fucking bit. I’m sure none of you have ever typed something incorrectly or remembered a name wrong. For fucks sake. The Internet is like a proctologist’s dream….Wall to wall assholes.
Square is my most favorite person, ever.
The long wait for an update was killing me. Thank you, though. You delivered, as always.
Holy shit. One day and already 22 comments. Bangarang indeed.
It helps to get linked by Gorilla Mask and a bunch of other high-trafficked establishment of blogitude.
But yes, quite bangarang. It’s definitely nice to know I can take a small layoff and the readers will come back.
I immediately thought of Fairuza Balk when I read this list. Definitely needs to be on it.
You’re right, Faruiza has quite the massive mouth cavity. But I’m pretty sure, and correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t she fall of the face of the Earth?
Or maybe into her own mouth? LOL I just happened to come across The Craft on cable last weekend, and now that I think about it, GODDAMN I know it was about witches, but that mouth looks like something out of a horror movie….BTW, me, i found the ever-increasing ridiculousness of the descriptions hysterical, but I’m a first timer, so what I think probably don’t mean sh!t :)
“Who knows when she’ll open her mouth to talk and Eva Longoria will just fall in and disappear”.
that one had me rolling. ;0)
how do you not include jaws
This article was not funny
Man I could not watch Mona Lisa’s Smile last night without staring at Julia Robberts’ Gianormous mouth.
Although it did make the perfectly boring movie a bit more interesting to watch.
I did put Jaws on the list. Go back and look at #1.
If you never saw “Man in the Moon” with Reese Witherspoon, you are a fuck face. I cried my eyes out when that boy got run over with the tractor.
Best scene from Fear was when Marky Mark put the dog’s head through the door. Second was Alissa Milano coked up and lap dancing. Both were hot!
Disagree with “you are not funny”
I thought the article was very well written and very very funny
Good job…..made me laugh
It’s Man In the Moon, not Man on the Moon…
just thought I’d put post it since everone else and their mother did.
What about Grace Jones, she has a mouth to make a crocodile jealous.
Alanis did a lot of dancy style music early in her career here in Canada….just wondering if anyone knew that or did they think that Jagged Little Pill was her first album……
Matty
What about angelina Jolie she has a huge Mouth
Where the hell was Gary Busey? Or his son for that matter?
Wow, everybody goes nuts after you make on little typo … even after you fix and state in a reply that you fixed the error people still insist on being dicks and pointing it out.
I enjoyed it for the most part. Some of them I, personally, don’t look at as having big mouths, but I guess it’s all a matter of perception. But when I first started reading I was thinking, “If Julia Roberts isn’t number 1, that’s going to piss me off,” so congrats on that. Everybody thinks she’s hot, I think that mouth makes her look hideous.
Damn good list Jay, I laughed my arse off. Some good choices.
take a look at a Carrottop. ear to ear lips.
Angelina Jolie has big lips.
The Crazy Busey Family has big teeth.
Both fail to meet the requirements of the list. Now, if the list was “The Biggest Crazy People In Hollywood” then they’d be right at the top.
You forgot about Dolly Parton’s clown mouth and Carly Simon’s canyon mouth.
Remember, no singers. Dolly did some acting, but no one would call her an actress before they called her a singer. Or a flotation device.
Don’t forget Jessica Simpson?
Don’t forget Jack Nicholson – aka The Joker?
Random Man was right in asking why Jessica Simpson wasn’t wasn’t on the list, seeing as she’s more of an actress than Alannis. Need I remind you of the Dukes!!
daaaaaaamn, but yall forgot about fantasia
Okay..getting a little out of control now……Jack Nicholson as the joker….does make up count now ???
The singer thing is getting a little loose…..but then again Jay started that with allowing Alanis on the list…..:)))
Matt
I can’t stress this enough, Alanis started out as an actor, and has continued to do guest spots and small roles. Jessica Simpson is a singer. No, Dukes does not count. No, her crappy Dane Cook “comedy” doesn’t count.
LOL…Alanis is known as a singer….did anyone know she did acting?…That’s amazing…I didn’t even know that…How old was she when she started acting?…..was it before she became a singer…..Just curious
Matt
Ummm, I’m not sure why everyone is debating and suggesting so fiercely when this is clearly an opinion piece… Take a chill pill.
Whether or not Miss Alanis is an actress or a singer, it doesn’t change the fact her mouth is big enough to eat a small baby.
As I would say if I was from the hood, props to you The Jay. You’d been gone far too long.
Agreed, Jay, my first exposure to Alanis was as an actor. Doesn’t anybody remember Nickelodeon’s ‘You Can’t Do That On Television’? Ally?
Yes…..it’s just for fun….I was just trying to open up a can of worms…successfully, I might add. Because Jay made an exception for Alanis because of her earlier days of acting it just spread to people wondering why this singer isn’t including or this singer, etc. I’m pretty sure Jay said he hoped his comment section would grow a little, so this one seems to be getting that attention.
Matt
I have no problems with people starting fights on my board. And yes, I did say I wanted more comments. Bring it on, I’ll defend all of my decisions, even the ones that don’t make any sense. Like how I didn’t include Cameron Diaz. Egregious oversight on my part. She was on my initial list, but I took her off in favor of Teri Hatcher. I wanted to make the Female Joker joke, all too much it seems. Rest assured, I do think the girl has a big ass mouthed (to go along with her big assed annoyingness).
Thanks for trying to help, Matty. Keep on, keep on trucking.
People do get easily offended don’t they?…My posts certainly were not intended to cause a ruckus that way….just to open up the conversation. I usually don’t post on any board…but your article was so damn funny and cleverly written. It is a board full of opinions and all of them are valid.
Keep it up Jay…I’m glad I came across your site and love they way you write.
Matty
Oh yeah that’s right…Cameron Diaz does have a big mouth….Oh well, she could of been number 11 if the list was a little longer…..or maybe number 10 if Alanis didn’t take up room by being number 2 !!!!
Now nobody get offended or I’m just gonna have to leave a disclaimer on all of my posts.
Thanks again for the site Jay
Matty
Your welcome for the site. Glad you like it. Got a redesign coming soon that should make this place even more fun to hang out.
Stay tuned…
sure their mouths are big but this site is worthless and stupid.Whoever created it is an artard
Great post. I’ve had a good laugh with this, but I thing you’ve missed the biggest mouth of all times: Mr. Brian Blessed. Go check him out in Flash Gordon, and you’ll agree with me.
Cheers!
lol
Highlarious.
So where’s the mature version of this thread, discussing who can use that big mouth best?
[...] hope 50’s flak jacket has reinforcements. Looks like Sam didn’t get fed this [...]
King Kong had rather a large oral orifice didn’t he ?
Some of those people had big mouths, others….you’re imagining things. I think what your problem is, you have a fear of big mouths because they make your already insufficient penis look even smaller.
[...] Some sites live off of uncovering who’s playing the next James Bond, I like to deduce who has the biggest mouth in Hollywood (literally). While others post reviews of test screenings, I create charts to measure Orlando Bloom’s [...]
[...] Julia Roberts transforms into a king-size box of Peppermint Chiclets. [...]
[...] so hence did not win. Also, layout artists for the mag were worried they wouldn’t be able to fit his gihugenormous maw on the cover and no one wanted to fit the bill for a double fold. However, if his M. Night [...]
[...] She’s just doing whatever she can to avoid being put on The Jay’s list of The Biggest Mouths In Hollywood. [...]
Oh My God Man!!How can Steven Tyler Not be on this list?!!?!?! I mean hes got to have a Huge mouth I mean Damn why isn’t he on this list?!
Oh I just LOVE Rosario Dawson’s BIG Mouth!!…..its just SO PERFECT TO ME AND I WISH THAT I COULD SOME HOW AND SOMEWAY GET SOME PART OF MY BODY INTO IT TO FEEL JUST HOW IT FEELS TO BE INSIDE OF IT TO SEE HOW SHE WORKS HE GREAT PERFECT MOUTH/LIPS/TOUNGE WHEN SOMETHING IS INSIDE OF IT!
How about next time, instead of seeing the first picture, locking your door and turning pervy, you actually READ the post. I say fairly early on that there are NO singers on the list.
Turn your mindgrapes on, dude.