From The Desk of The Jay

To: Jon Heder

Re: The rapidly declining state of your career and apparent inability to realize your skill level, celebrity importance or place in the industry. Also, did I mention you make bad movies?

Jon,

Let’s get one thing out of the way. Napoleon Dynamite was a tour-de-force performance. You carried that movie, made it what it is and are wholly responsible for the commercial, critical and merchandising success of the film. If it weren’t for you, the film would never have gotten out of Sundance, no one would ever care about Pedro and Idaho would be 8% less socially relevant. So, you know, you did a lot of good.

Alright, now let’s get down to the real point of this letter. After the success of Napoleon, Hollywood embraced you as some kind of comedic wunderkind; a performer that kids could love, teens could relate to, young adults could quote endlessly when drunk at bars and college parties, and parents could approve of. On the outset, you were a four quadrant star. Aces across the board. We all believed in you, and many (including me) thought you’d become the next Jim Carrey (or at least the next Adam Sandler). But something went wrong. I’m not sure if it was the agent you chose, the scripts you were sent, some sort of pressure you felt to appeal to a certain demographic or fanbase, but when all the studios were throwing themselves at you and the industry was giving you a pass on your next movie and a free ride for four more, you picked the wrong movie. Let’s not count Just Like Heaven, because you were in it for all of four seconds, you were basically playing Napoleon without the costume, and that drek of a Reese Witherspoon romcom is about as relevant to cinema as your average beat off DVD. No, I’m talking about the blight on humanity known as The Benchwarmers.

You were the star of a fantastically successful, critically acclaimed indie movie. And for your big follow up you chose to be the third banana in an undercooked Rob Schneider vehicle. Tell me again what you were thinking there? I guess I can see the appeal of working with David Spade, after all he’s pretty snarky on Comedy Central, was the “Buh Bye” guy on SNL and is currently nailing Heather Locklear. Maybe you were hoping he could teach you how to make a career out of being annoying, obnoxious and dirty looking (Seriously Spade, cut the hair. It wasn’t even funny when you were pretending to be a Hanson brother. Hanson is gone. Heed their call.). But Rob Schneider? I just can’t abide by that. He’s been in showbiz for twenty years, headlined a handful of major movies, co-starred in several high-grossing comedies, and was a primetime player on SNL, and all that’s good for him, except you did one small movie and instantly vaulted ahead of him. Nobody has ever cared, liked or needed a Rob Schneider movie. Everyone was waiting for you to make your next flick. So you can guess how disappointed we were in your choice.

I can understand the allure of a big money studio paycheck, far more famous actors have voluntarily surrendered their talent merely to pad their bank account (cough, Eddie Murphy, cough). There were plenty of reasons for you to have taken whatever pathetic project was first thrown at you. Maybe it was the opportunity to make out with Rachel Hunter in a car, or play catch with Reggie Jackson, or wear a helmet on screen for two hours. Or maybe it was the first time you’d been on a set with craft services (always a big hit your first day on a set), and always secretly wished you could eat free goldfish till you puked. Like I said, we’re not mad, just disappointed.

Here’s the thing, with some comedians, you instantly know what to expect. If Ben Stiller has a movie coming out, there’s a better than average chance he’s playing a nebbish who woos a hot girl despite being so neurotic that Woody Allen’s telling him to relax. With Jim Carrey I know I’m getting an a-ton of facial expressions, a Shatner’s worth of scenery chewing and just an ounce of Oscar begging. And with Will Ferrell I know I’m gonna see him take all his clothes off and run around like an idiot. But you’re tougher to read. You’re not pretty enough to be a leading man, and not nearly nebbishy enough for us to want you to get the girl (especially Jacinda Barrett). You do character really well, but don’t seem to have a clue how to do broad or subtle comedy. Just Like Heaven and The Benchwarmers told us nothing about what you can offer the viewing public. And I doubt School For Scoundrels is going to help. So how can we pinpoint your talent? What are we supposed to think about and expect when he see a trailer for a new movie starring Jon Heder?

Co-starring with washed up actors isn’t working. You’re not a part of The Frat Pack. And you’re not yet big enough to carry your own tentpole comedy. So what to do? It’s an awkward phase, one you seem to be having trouble with. But I can help. There are definite things you can do to improve not just your movies, but also your perception in the media and in the minds of American audiences. I’ve compiled a list of suggestions for how to stop the career bleeding, and start making people laugh again.

• Beg Ben Stiller for Wes Anderson’s phone number. Do not stop calling until he offers you a part in his next movie. Pay him money if you have to.

• You do angry really well, so why are you always smiling now? Work the sourpuss, Sean Penn-style. Do a movie where you drop a few Utahian F-Bombs (frickin) and play a stone cold bad ass. Napoleon Dynamite meets Seth Gecko.

• Hit the gym. Look at what a little bit of muscle did for Seann William Scott. He went from drinking The Rookie Of The Year’s jism to fighting side by side with Chow-Yun Fat. That’s a definite upgrade.

• Why are you playing idiots? The Frat Pack don’t do idiot roles (except Will Ferrell), they play lovably simple slackers. Never morons or simpletons. There’s a difference. Man alive, Spade must have been a worse influence on you than we thought.

• Renounce your faith. Do it at a press conference. If at all possible, break a chair over the head of someone famous for being religious (I hear Mel Gibson has time on his hands, and he could use the victim publicity), or bring out that guy who played Pedro and sucker punch him in the face. Pay an announcer to shout “Oh my God! This is madness! What started out a press conference has ended in tragedy!” over and over again. Then team up with The Undertaker to win the WWE Tag Team Championship. Everybody likes a villainous pro wrestler. Everyone. Plus, it’s not like you can’t un-renounce your faith later on. That’s what all my Mormon girlfriends use to do back in high school after we finished making out (Mormon girls are the easiest girls I know. This is a fact).

• Date Paris Hilton. Lord knows that seemed to help the ones that do. Plus, you’d stay sharp with your Napoleon accent, cause you’d be calling her a “frickin idiot” All. The. Time.

• You are fluent in Japanese. Go exploit that by being in one of those ultra-gory Japanese horror movies, where they have freaky little kids sticking needles in people’s eyes and shit. Dying on-screen is always good for boosting your rep. As is doing indecipherable foreign films. Nobody knows what the hell is going on so they just assume its quality (David Lynch has been getting away with this trick for years.).

• Keep doing animation. It’s good to have something to fall back on for when people realize how one-dimensional you really are.

• You completely botched that fake death story. When someone reports that you’re dead, and it’s not true, you immediately exploit it for publicity. Lie low for a couple weeks, pop up in random small towns, have your image show up in some hick’s sweat stained t-shirt. Did you learn nothing from Elvis? The next time someone asks if you’re dead, you say YES!

• Not to be cruel, but you kind of suck at acting. ND might have been lightning in a bottle, it might have been a character so close to who you really are that you weren’t really acting, but the bottom line is that you do in fact suck balls. So maybe try an acting class or two (or five).

• Know this: you will never be as relevant as you were when Napoleon broke, so don’t try to recapture it. That moment is gone. You will always be cool because of it, so let go and take some chances. We’re always going to forgive you. After all, you introduced the world to ligers, taught everyone that women like guys with skills, and gave us this gem: “I see you’re drinking 1%. Is that cause you think you’re fat? Cause you’re not. You could be drinking whole if you wanted to.”

Jon, it’s officially time for you to start thinking ahead. When someone breaks overnight they generally get three chances to prove that they’re worth keeping around. By my count (which assumes School For Scoundrels is the Cleveland Steamer it appears to be), you’re all out of chances. You’ve got to hit the next one out of the park. Teaming up with Will Ferrell is a solid play, so you might be safe. But get that shit right or you’ll be dreaming of doing Rob Schneider vehicles like they’re manna from career heaven. And you don’t want that, just ask John Lovitz.

Someone has got to help you make better script decisions. Someone should be telling you to return to your roots and start doing characters again. You have what it takes to be the next Mike Myers. He’s just another boring, bad-haired actor when he plays a regular guy (like you do in School For Scoundrels), but he’s brilliant when in disguise (see Wayne Campbell, Austin Powers, Dr. Evil, the fucked up guy from Studio 54), just like you. Stop trying to be bland, because you’re way too good at it. We don’t like bland people (unless they have big boobs). Put on a wig, bust an accent out and start delivering again.

We all want you to succeed. We all think you’re funny. When I saw Napoleon Dynamite in theatres the guy sitting next to me was laughing so hard his friends had to carry him out of the theater halfway thru (Which reminds me, you suck Pacific Sherman Oaks Galleria 16! I pay you to keep people quiet, so how much is it gonna cost me to get you shut them up for real? Yeah, go sell another eight dollar icee and blow me.). Do some bit parts in ensemble films. Go play the science geek in a Tony Scott action movie. Play the cool guy that gets all the chicks like Ryan Reynolds. Do something! But don’t keep doing what you’re doing. You were terrible in Just Like Heaven, you were “shaking-our-heads-in-shame” disappointing in The Benchwarmers, and School For Scoundrels looks like another Billy Bob Bad Santa lame-o comedy that nobody wants to see. You’re doing it all wrong. Follow my advice and get your career back on track. Because seriously, if all you’re going to play are boring losers, Justin Long does it better, and is a whole lot cheaper.

And if you’re not gonna follow my advice, at least do the smart move and cash out for a Napoleon Dynamite sequel. If you don’t make Napoleon Dynamite 2: Idaho Boogaloo, you’re just wasting our time.

Love,

The Jay

P.S. Would it kill you to help out the guy who played Kip? He had the best line in the movie. “Your mother goes to college!” Genius.

Let’s do an exercise together. Imagine you’re looking at a big board, and on that board are the primetime lineups of all five major television networks. You can see all their shows, from Monday to Sunday. Scan over the names, making sure to take a moment to refresh yourself with the history of each. Done? OK, now, tell me if you can name just one hour long drama that’s past its fourth year of existence right now, and that doesn’t involve a CSI, NCIS, L&O or Keifer Sutherland. Take your time, I’ll wait. Still thinking? Alright stop, I’m going to save you the time. There’s only three of them, and they’re all on The CW: 7th Heaven, Gilmore Girls and Smallville. One stole a timeslot from a far superior show (Everwood), one needs to be put down like a sick goat (suck on that, Lorelai!) and the other is only still on because Kristin Kreuk is really REALLY pretty. Basically, none of them remain on television because of some undying loyalty to quality; the CW needed a few flagships for their underwhelming puke green-infused launch, end of story.

Here’s the point of the exercise: don’t believe the hype that television has gotten exceedingly better. It hasn’t.

Reality shows ravaged the industry. The immediate and intense success of a slew of cheap to produce reality shows (The Bachelor, Survivor, Joe Millionaire, et al) caused the premature and merciless cancellation of countless network primetime shows. When the networks saw they could retain their ratings and shares but at nearly half the cost they didn’t think twice about axing the clever, yet rating challenged budget behemoth on Tuesday nights at 9pm. And while the dumber parts of the American viewing public made away like bandits in this arrangement, the people that hope and pray for just a few hours of quality television each week were slapped in the face and made to look elsewhere. I was one of those slapees.

I tried Spike and The Shield. I watched FX and Nip/Tuck (though not Rescue Me. I can’t watch Denis Leary as a serious actor. He will always be Edgar Friendly from Demolition Man to me. Which reminds me, mmmm ratburger!). I attempted to sit through the Comedy Central rotation of mediocrity (Hey Drawn Together! What’s up? Cool. Later. P.S. You suck.). I slogged my way through the “high brow” reality crapola (basically anything on Bravo). Nothing I watched was ever as good as the top of the heap primetime dramas that reigned in the pre-Reality era. I’m talking Clooney and Goose-era ER, Franz’s ass-era NYPD Blue, Sorkin-era West Wing, anything David E. Kelly made before Calista Flockhart turned to stone, Buffy before UPN got their mitts on it, hell, even Dawson’s Creek for a little while. Good shows were all over the place back then.

And they stayed on long enough to build their worlds and attract an audience. Shows premiering today get two episodes tops before the networks pull the plug. This last spring, you couldn’t trip over a tranny on Santa Monica Blvd. without seeing Heather Graham’s smiling face blonding back at you. I didn’t even see her show and I love me some Rollergirl. Why didn’t I watch it? Cause ABC canceled it after one airing. One! Pilots suck in general. By design they’re not meant to be the best episode of the series. So how can you judge a show based on its rookie twenty-two minutes? I’m tired of getting hyped up all summer only to tune in and have my time wasted when Wonderfalls, The Inside, Karen Sisco, Surface, Threshold, Jack and Bobby, Skin, Night Stalker, Miss Match, Miracles, Lyon’s Den, Line of Fire, Life As We Know It, John Doe, Boomtown, etc get yanked almost immediately.

Yes, there is a lot of good television. HBO still makes great stuff. Two out of the three Law and Order’s are quality. House, 24, Veronica Mars, Lost, and Boston Legal all get my attention week in and week out. The networks are too gun shy right now. Remember, ABC originally gave Grey’s Anatomy a midseason nine episode run, and it’s only because they followed the first season Desperate Housewives phenomenon that the show even attracted an audience. Veronica Mars was the best show on television two years ago. Today they have a thirteen episode commitment from a network that has absolutely NOTHING to run its place should it be canceled. House is fading, nobody likes Desperate Housewives anymore, 24 is only on for half the season, NBC relegated the flagship L&O to the wasteland of Friday’s (where they’re not sure the show can even compete with Rob Morrow and the menschy jewish kid from Addams Family Values), The Sopranos is done, and ER is a mess that won’t go away.

Gone are the days when a Third Watch can survive on Mondays for six seasons. Felicity would never last today. Double that for Boston Public, Angel, Providence, Judging Amy, Charmed and Alias. The current best shows on television are in their third seasons at best. We’re only now seeing a rebirth in series loyalty and longevity. While this fall has the best new slate of shows in nearly a decade, let’s hold off announcing the awesomeness of network television until at least one of them makes it past Christmas. I refuse to get attached to another show only to see it go weakly into the May sweeps night, fading into network obscurity like so many I’ve loved before (R.I.P Undeclared).

But I think I have a solution to my problem…

I’m going to watch everything. Every single new show. I’m going to try them all once. If it doesn’t make me throw up a little in my mouth, it gets a second chance. If it never gets better I won’t watch past the third episode (peace out Justice, Happy Hour, Vanished and Til Death). But I will watch everything. And by watching everything I’ll truly know what’s worth spending my time on. The goal is to catch all 26 new shows and do a sweep of all 55 returning shows and then eventually whittle it down by quality until I’m only watching 10 on a weekly basis. Ten would seem like a lot, but I have presets built in - I’m required to watch Lost, Grey’s, House, Veronica Mars, How I Met Your Mother and in the Spring, Scrubs - so I’m really only looking to five slots. By loyalty to Aaron Sorkin I will follow Studio 60 (even though it hasn’t yet risen above the level of average). Now I’m down to four slots. I’m combining My Name Is Earl and The Office into one big mega-sitcom, so now I’m only down to three slots. Three new shows out of seventy-five choices. My TiVo is gonna get a run for its money.

It’s time for the new fall TV season and I couldn’t be more excited to crap on all the new shows. As the NPH might say on my favorite CBS sitcom How I Met Your Mother: “Suit Up!” Here are twenty thoughts on how I’m going to navigate my three show search.

1. When choosing which of two shows to watch that are on opposite each other, always choose the serial over the procedural (i.e. Grey’s over CSI). You don’t want to fall behind on a Lost or a Prison Break or a Veronica Mars just so you can watch William Petersen shine a mini-flashlight on an overly lit, green-lens tinted dead body.

2. If you just HAVE to watch Lost, do so with a large group of people. That way, when the show ends up being predictably frustrating and disappointing (Oh, did they not explain the black smoke monster? Tell me again what the Other are up to? Did Kate not choose a boyfriend yet? They didn’t tell you anything? Well, at least we got to see another flashback of Jack’s life as a doctor. New information there.), at least you’re hanging out with cool people. So start drinking to dull the pain.

3. Any pilot that features Amy Smart ripping open her blouse and tasering a helpless woman deserves your viewing attention for at least a couple episodes (regardless of how creepy and unentertaining it is to watch Ray Liotta for forty-two minutes each week).

4. Tape or TiVo Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. It’s going to be much easier to sit through all the fast paced, oh so precious Sorkinese if you can bloop bloop through the commercials.

5. Just because Qualen from Cliffhanger and Hank Kingsley from The Larry Sander Show decide to do a sitcom together, doesn’t mean it’s going to be funny. And in this case, it means the opposite.

6. Stay away from My Network TV. A shitty soap opera is stilll a shitty soap opera, even if it has Bo Derek fighting in a public fountain (who, by the way, hasn’t been worth watching since she banged Jeff Fahey on a motorcycle in the Skinemax classic “Woman Of Desire”).

7. Remember, it may seem like a cool casting choice but NOBODY likes James Woods. He’s made a career out of playing sleazy douche bags; “lovable scoundrel” isn’t exactly in his wheelhouse. Unless he’s trying to convince Louis Gossett Jr. to fight ten guys in one night, menacing Sly Stallone, or slapping Michael J. Fox around, he’s not giving me the good times.

8. There’s nothing wrong with the philosophy of “one and done”. If you don’t like a show, stop watching immediately. There’s far too much interesting television on this fall for you to get hooked into finishing a suck ass installment of Vanished or Till Death (Hey Brad Garrett, Michael Richards is on the line, he wants me to deliver a message: “Welcome to TV Hell. Hope the house is paid off.”).

9. Ali Larter is the next big TV hottie, so make sure you’re watching Heroes. There’s always a better than average chance that an enterprising staff writer got wasted and watched Varsity Blues and the next thing we know Larter’s in a whipped cream bikini and strutting all over NBC. Unfortunately, the potential ramifications of this might be a cameo from asshat James Van Der Beek. Although if the producers decide to invent a character named Giant Forehead Boy, the Beek would be perfect casting.

10. It is OK for men to watch Grey’s Anatomy, so long as they’re doing it for one of two reasons. 1. Katherine’s giant Heigl’s, and 2. They’ve been supporting Patrick Dempsey since he nailed Carrie Fisher in Loverboy, and want to remain loyal.

11. Great shows always have a great opening credits sequence, so choosing what to watch based solely on the credits may be a better bet than banking on the acting ability of Skeet Ulrich.

12. Speaking of Skeet, if TV isn’t the most redemptive medium on the planet than nothing is. Keven Federline is guesting on CSI after ruining a beloved underage sex icon. Jon Cryer has the most popular sitcom on the planet, and he was profit poison for twenty years. Hell, Ally McBeal gave Robert Downey Jr. a job before his first parole hearing. He was still showering with clenched cheeks when he got the role. You gotta love how forgiving a medium television is. After all, the following actors are now carrying their own primetime television shows: Charlie “Bullshit! Cause I wasn’t with a hooker today! Ha Ha!” Sheen, Skeet Ulrich, Erica “Swimfan” Christensen, Taye “Kevin Hill can not come to the phone right now, on account of he sucks and his show is canceled” Diggs, Joey Lawrence, and “Don’t Call Me Celestia” Anne Heche. So if you don’t think Paris Hilton is getting her own sitcom sometime in the next two years, you’re insane. At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if Michael Jackson did a six episode arc on The O.C.

13. Just as a reminder, Alabama Worley still has her own show on NBC (Medium). I think, after all the wonderful things she’s done for us (getting naked in Lost Highway, fighting James Gandolfini in True Romance, dumping Nicolas Cage, sweetly romancing Dule Hill in Holes), we owe her a viewing or two.

14. Another reminder: in accordance with the national vote taken this summer, we are all to ignore ER until it finally gets the point and goes away.

15. For pure cheesy terrificness, nothing beats The Shatner, The Spader and Murphy Brown fighting for scenery scraps on Boston Legal. NOTHING!

16. When an actor made famous from a now cancelled TV show decides to star in a new series your allegiance should depend solely on how much you liked their previous show. For example, Bradley Whitford ruled on The West Wing, therefore we should give Studio 60 a fair shot. Or take Scott Wolf, who gave us hours of unintentional comedy as Bailey on Party of Five (and also gave rise to the awesomeness that is the Jennifer Love Hewitt chestal region), and as such, we should do the honorable thing and tune in for his new show The Nine. However, by the end of Ally McBeal’s torturous run Calista Flockhart had become about as appealing as a penis eating banshee, so no, we’re not required to watch her new show Brothers and Sisters. In fact, as retribution for having to endure Vonda Sheppard closing out each episode, we should all avoid Brothers and Sister like a spinach-based plague.

17. Protesting 7th Heaven because its renewal caused the cancellation of Everwood and the further employment of Haylie Duff isn’t just allowed, it’s strongly encouraged.

18. Jamie Pressley has gotten naked in over three movies, did a sweet layout in Playboy, made out on camera with Tiffani Amber-Thiessen in a hot tub, viciously spoofed Kirsten Dunst in Not Another Teen Movie, AND once described Howard Stern’s looks by saying “You got slapped with a yarmulke”. I think it’s high time we reward her for her unending public service and start tuning in to My Name Is Earl (Not to mention she’s actually really funny).

19. J.J. Abrams’ name does not necessarily equal quality. Alias declined RAPIDLY in quality after a promising post-Super Bowl episode. Felicity was on The WB, so nuff said there. And he doesn’t, has not, and will never run Lost. My point here is this: Be very wary of Six Degrees. Just because Campbell Scott and the Swimfan star, it does not mean the show doesn’t royally blow (which it kinda does).

20. Trust the NPH. He won’t let you down. And on that note, the only sitcom truly worth your time is How I Met Your Mother (at least until Scrubs comes back in January). Snap a doo!

My early bet on the three shows that will round on my slate is: The Class, Heroes and Shark.

Bangarang!

And now for a humiliating confession: I have watched every episode of Dawson’s Creek.

Yes, yes, I know this means I suck, and that my opinion is now a bit devalued in the minds of my readers. What’s worse, I can only defend my viewing decision up to a point. You see, I’ve wanted to make movies since I was thirteen, when I watched Pulp Fiction at the (now defunct) Peppertree Cinemas in The Valley. From the moment my eyes saw sunlight again, I aggressively pursued a non-formal filmic education. I read the books, I watched the important movies, I trolled the IMDB, and on and on. And for the most part, people supported my decision, even if they at times did not understand it.

The WB launched in 1995, just over a year after my life decision. One of the shows they premiered with was a slight teen angst drama about a couple of kids in a North Carolina port town. This wouldn’t have necessarily caused much of a stir with me, though I was on the lookout for a new soap to watch as 90210 had been steadily declining in quality ever since David Silver started working at a car wash and Steve Saunders started dating what we later found out was two-time Oscar winner and next Karate Kid herself, Hilary Swank. What did make waves, however, was the news that the main character of the show, (soon to be douchebag) Dawson Leery, was an aspiring filmmaker, and that at least part of the show would be devoted to his (crappy) attempts at filmmaking. I initially liked the idea of having a TV character mirror my own life (albeit only in a small part, seeing as how my forehead is less than an 1/8th as big as James Van Der Beek’s Helen Hunt-normous size forehead). And then I watched the show.

While I kinda dug the pseudo-intellectual dialogue and completely loved Michelle Williams (You must remember she had just come off playing the young- Natasha Henstridge in Species, a seminal nudity movie of the mid-90’s, and was easily the hottest young actress this side of Natalie Portman.), I started to hate how lame he made it look to be a young filmmaker. The way JVDB played it, we we’re all pretentious, pathetic movie-obsessed dweboids who talk way too much about camera angles, Spielberg movies and the art of the mis en scene, without any understanding of what it really means (Though in the interest of full disclosure, I went to film school for four years and I still have no idea what it means. I think it might be French, but who knows, I slept through most of my classes. What? You know I fall asleep during any movie made before 1975.). And what’s worse, since this was the first time a lot people had seen a young filmmaker portrayed on screen, I immediately had to endure daily comparisons to “Dawson”. Thus my hatred for the Beek began.

I continued to watch the show for a number of reasons. One, it was the watercooler show of my high school, which meant if you were anybody at all, you had to watch it. Two, knowing what was happening and being able to shut people up made dealing with the comparisons to Dawson a lot easier. Three, I support any actor that appeared in The Mighty Ducks (And let me take this opportunity to plug the inevitably forthcoming Emilio Estevez piece. One I’m sure will be absurdly littered with Young Guns II and Men At Work quotes.). And four, people forget this now, but pre-Cruiser Katie Holmes was unbelievably hot. Like crazy hot. Like Jean Reno can have Natalie Portman, cause we have Joey Potter, hot. But as the show dragged on, it became readily apparent that the show wasn’t nearly as good as the hype it was getting. And worst of all, the main character was so unbelievably obnoxious that it actually physically pained people to set their eyes on him (Unfortunately, an offshoot of this was that it started a trend in television where the lead character of an ensemble show was completely hateful, which made the A-plot of any episode extremely difficult to sit through. For a prime example, see: “Vampire Slayer. Buffy the”). I should have stopped watching, but either because I was fifteen and impressionable, or that the girls were just too hot to turn away, I continued to follow the show until its welcome demise five years later.

That experience is very similar to a lot of the ones I had with the programming on The WB network. Insanely hot girls on crappy shows packed with just enough cool dialogue and/or interesting stories to keep me watching, despite hateable lead characters, and my better judgment. Thankfully, as I grew older, wiser and out of the demographic, I got better at cutting their crappy shows out of my life. No longer did The WB’s potent combination of “Good Looking Actors + Teen Angst = Drah-MA!” hold any sway over me. By the time I was nineteen the network had lost me for good. And not a moment too soon. If I had to sit through another episode of Felicity just to ogle Keri Russell, I don’t know what I would have done, but it wouldn’t have been good (And besides, she was hotter, more near-nude, and available on home video in the never seen classic “Eight Days A Week”. Buy it now. Seriously. If not for the funny script, then for the unbelievable scene where Keri walks through a set of sprinklers wearing cutoffs and a flimsy white tank top. To all my male readers: you’re welcome.).

I’ll always appreciate The WB, as it was the first network to openly embrace teens, and cater their primetime programming to what we really wanted to see (i.e. Alyssa Milano in many, many, MANY cleavage-baring tops). As they signed off the air for good this weekend, I found myself getting a bit misty-eyed that the network of my adolescence was disappearing. So many hours in high school spent discussing the shows. So many recaps read on TWoP. So much bile brought up by the inane and often times reprehensibly bad dialogue (and thank you for that, Kevin Williamson). So many jpegs of Jessica Biel and Katherine Heigl illegally downloaded on AOL. I will always remember The WB, despite its poor quality, and tonight I will honor its memory by simultaneously ogling a Smallville season one promo shot of Kristin Kreuk and rolling my eyes at the thought of everything Dawson Leery ever said or did.

And now, as a further tribute to my love/hate relationship to the now-defunct The WB Network, I present “The Ten Things I Learned From The WB”.

1. Treat Williams + Beard = Kick Ass TV Dad. I wasn’t a regular watcher of this show, but I can tell you this: don’t screw with the “Trick Or” Treat. He’s be-bearded, he’s no-nonsense, and he was the bad guy in The Phantom. The man deserves your respect.

2. If you cut your hair, nobody will like you anymore. This relates to the funniest excuse for a show’s decline in both ratings and quality in the history of television, when Keri Russell cut off her wall of hair between the first and second seasons of Felicity, and half the show’s audience promptly disappeared. Granted, she was like 27% less smoking hot than before, but still, c’mon, it was Keri Russell! You were in good hands. Couldn’t this have had more to do with the fact that the scripts started to suck? No? Anybody? Bueller? This is akin to saying 90210’s ratings went into the toilet after Tori Spelling’s third boob job made her look like she was carrying around a slab of ground beef with a big thumbprint pressed into the center. Sure it was unattractive, but c’mon, no one was watching that show for Tori disgrossting rack. They were watching to see who Valerie was going to bang that week.

3. If 2.2 million people agree to casually watch you once a week at the same time, The WB will agree to televise it (see: Every WB sitcom, ever).

4. Christian television cannot be stopped (Not even by be-bearded kick ass TV Dads). Also, while not bad people per se, they’re really boring to watch (except if your name happens to rhyme with Yessica Schmiel).

5. If you’re really, really, REALLY pretty, you will always have a home on The WB, despite how bad you are at your job (see: Kreuk, Kristin). For further proof, see the following pretty/crappy (or “pretty crappy”) actors: Alexis Bledel, Sophia Bush, Kaley Cuoco, Jason Behr, Brendan Fehr, Tom Welling (in seasons 1-3), Ashley Scott, Shiri Appleby, Carly Pope, Lindsay Price, Kate Bosworth, Travis Fimmel, and the incomparably bad Chad Michael Murray.

6. Not only can vampires have sex (despite not having working organs) and get pregnant (despite not having proper reproduction systems), but if you want to save time during labor, all you have to do is slay the Mommy-to-be and the vampire baby will magically appear on the bed (albeit lying in a pool of their dead mother’s ashes). This was easily the coolest and most disturbing scene in the entire run of Angel.

7. You can still be a beloved TV icon despite being a heinous bitch, a terrible friend, a poor role model for young girls, an awful dresser and an all around unfriendly person, so long as you occasionally throw around a few well-timed female empowerment metaphors. One guess as to who I’m talking about. OK, I’ll just tell you. Everyone that ever starred in a WB show who wasn’t a complete banshee to the cast, crew, production company and anyone else even tangentially related to their show, take one step forward. Not so fast, Sarah Michelle.

8. Alyssa Milano is still very, VERY hot (warrants mentioning).

9. In case I didn’t make my point clear enough before, James Van Der Beek is an asshat. If you need any more proof, please see the following linked evidence: HERE, HERE, HERE, and HERE.

10. If you talk really fast, people will find you endearing (even if you happen to be either a space cadet or a raging bitch in real life). This is a total smackdown on Gilmore Girls, a show that has been using rapid fire dialogue as a substitute for good writing and real storytelling since day one. And since I have nothing else to say about the show, and this may be the most apropos time for it, I will now tell you the infamous story of the time Lauren Graham yelled at me.

• Back when I was working as an extra, I got booked for Gilmore Girls as a Yale student / townsperson (shows tend to double up your role so they can use you in multiple scenes). So we were shooting a scene in Sars Hollow, where Luke and Lorelai are having a discussion in the street. Before I go on, it should be pointed out that Lauren stayed on her cell phone the entire time they rehearsed the scene. You could see the hatred dripping off the other cast members. The extras were gobsmacked at her rudeness, but the AD’s didn’t look surprised at all. Which is telling.

• So… the shot they did first was a close-up on Lauren. My job was to cross the camera at a specific moment, so as to make it seem like this is a functional town with real people living their lives and yada yada yada. This was made somewhat difficult by the elaborate light rig they had surrounding Lauren and the camera. So as a crosser, I had to step over the rig, cross the camera, and then step over the other side of the rig. Not the toughest thing I had to do as an extra (hello, shitty American Dreams set), but not the easiest thing either. I could trip and ruin the shot, I could go to slow and cause an extras traffic jam, or I could speed through too fast and ruin the camera focus. But I was a kick ass extra so I didn’t worry.

• The director called action, the AD waved me over and I crossed the camera. And it went fine. But the moment I had cleared the camera Lauren yells “CUT”, turns right to me and says “You extras need to do your fucking crosses faster when it’s my close up!” and storms away. I was not only humiliated from being yelled at, but worried that I was gonna get kicked off the set (which happens quite a bit if you manage to bug the star). So there I am, red faced and embarrassed, when the AD walks over to me and says “Don’t worry about it. You did nothing wrong. She does that all the time. Go back to your mark and ignore her.” It was a really nice to thing to say, and it put me completely at ease. Except for the part where I now think she’s a raging egotistical bitch (Who thanks to the wonders of karma, will never be nominated for an Emmy. In your face, Lauren! That’s what you get for fucking with The Jay). Thus endeth the story.

Vaya con dios, The WB. May you forever hold your place in television history as the best network for showcasing talentless, yet hot actors and for airing aesthetically pleasing, yet soul-suckingly bad television shows. You will be missed.

Bangarang!

One year ago today I posted the first article on the re-launched TheJay.com (You can read that first post HERE). It’s been a wild twelve months; a ride that has seen its shares of highs (TheJay.com linked on the IMDB!) and it’s lows (Crash winning the Oscar comes to mind). I have made some great friends through the site (Craig Beilinson for one, who writes the best press junket reports on the net. Or the guys over at Matt Kreiger). I have made some fun enemies (basically any Orlando Bloom, Reese Witherspoon and Renee Zellweger fan). But mostly I’ve had a blast writing about entertainment, and an even greater pleasure of interacting with my readers. I don’t usually do personal posts because this is not that type of blog, but I thought today I’d take you behind the scenes of TheJay.com to show you what the year was like for me.

I launched with a completely different attitude, style and direction than I have today. At the time I was hoping to post 4-5 small posts per week, or about one a day. They were going to be more news-based, similar to the 5,000 other gossip sites that cover the latest La Lohan shenanigans (And while we’re on the subject, seriously Lindsay, put some underwear on. There hasn’t been a celebrity whose cootata we wanted to see less at this point.). So I’d cover the happenings of entertainment, but also intersperse non-time sensitive pieces about whatever I was passionate about that day. This all worked well and good for about a month, when I realized I didn’t have the time to write 1,000 words a day on topics that are being covered more thoroughly and with better pictures, elsewhere (egotastic, defamer and the superficial come to mind). So over the course of the next few months I slowly moved the site to being less news-oriented and more feature-based. I liked the topics more, I had more time to devote to the individual pieces, and I felt like the site became more unique.

The problem was that my post count dropped dramatically. I went from writing 11 posts in September to writing just 5 in October and 7 in November. Over the last year I’ve had to come to grips with the fact that I will never be as prolific as other bloggers. I have too many other things going on in my life to pump out more than 8 posts a month. On the other hand, those eight posts average 2200 words each, so my content volume is probably the same as your average 25 post per month blog. Also, the topics I cover are fresher, and the pieces themselves are deeper in their examination. Basically, you get more by getting less. Unless this site starts paying for my entire life (which I doubt it ever will), you can expect two posts per week at best.

In January I made what some would consider an ill-fated decision to cover the Oscars for a straight month. Eight posts all devoted to the Academy Awards. I even posted a schedule. Bad idea. My computer crashed, I was in a job search and the last thing I wanted to do was talk more about Reese Witherspoon winning an Oscar (shudder). So lesson learned: I will never again post a post schedule. I may allude to things I’ll be writing about (i.e. everyone in the world knew I’d write a Keanu Reeves piece this summer, and you bet you’ll be getting an Emilio Estevez piece when his movie Bobby comes out), but I will never outright tell you when to expect them. Because I will never come through; I abhor deadlines, and they hate me too.

After the Oscars the site faltered for a while as I tried to figure out my next move. My numbers were slowly increasing (they doubled from March to April), but I couldn’t figure out what you all wanted to read. I was picking up the fact that you preferred celebs over movies and movies over TV, but I couldn’t seem to deduce what it was about my writing about movies and celebs that you liked. I wrote some ill-advised pieces about more time-oriented subjects (shudder, Siberia Season, shudder). And I wrote some funny ones that turned out better then I deserved (Ten Sequels I’d Like To See). But ironically, it was my first celebrity target than helped me to move the site in the right direction.

The third post I ever wrote was called “Kenny Chesney Immune To Bitchface”, where I railed on the “fake” marriage between Chesney and Renee Zellweger. A lot of people got upset at me for calling her names and being so mean and hateful. Those people are obviously wrong. As my boy A-Train likes to say “What’s the internet for, if not to slander people anonymously?” In response to the backlash I wrote a piece called “Renee Zellweger Doesn’t REALLY Have a Bitchface”. And over the first seven months of TheJay.com Renee became my target du jour. I slammed her every chance I got. But then in March my Mom asked me to write her a Mother’s Day piece where I was nice to Renee, and I took the challenge. The piece turned out pretty good (read it HERE), but what was better was the reaction from my readers. My numbers went up after I posted the piece. And from that I learned this: highlight a celebrity and talk about something that makes them unique. And from that point on I tried to focus my posts on someone or something, specific.

That practice culminated in early May when I was on the treadmill and was trying to come up with ideas for what I wanted to say about The Da Vinci Code. I don’t care about religion, I didn’t really like the book, and the controversy had been covered ad nauseam by the mainstream press. What I kept thinking about was Tom Hanks’s Hair, specifically how much it sucked. And it got me to thinking about his hair over the years, and I realized that it has always sucked. And thus “Grading the Career of Tom Hanks’s Hair” was born.

Up until that point I hadn’t tried to market or advertise the site. For one reason or another I didn’t think I had written anything worth making a fuss over. But the Tom Hanks piece turned out really good. I happened to chance on the blog site for Vh1’s Best Week Ever and sent the editors a link to my piece. They liked it and suggested I submit it using their “Drop It” feature. A day later Best Week Ever wrote an entry on their main page about my piece and TheJay.com got it’s very first shout out. That was the last time my site was anonymous. Less than a day later the piece has been picked up by more than ten other blogs. A day after that I signed on to my stat program to see that I had jumped more than 18 GB in over a day! And since the most bandwith I had ever done in a single day before that was 200MB, that was a HUGENORMOUS boost in traffic. As it turns out, Ebaum’s World had put my piece as one of their Daily main page links, AND College Humor listed in their Hot Links section. Those two links started a wildfire of hotlinking, and before I knew it I had done 80GB in traffic in just over two weeks, had more than 60,000 new readers, and saw my site get listed on the Alexa Rankings for the first time (at number 1,300,000). I had sites in a dozen foreign languages reprint my post. I had 100 comments before I even knew it (when my previous high had been 9). The traffic request crashed my server; I had to upgrade the size of my hosting plan five times in a week (Big thanks to Greg Swaney at Nexcess.net for his patience, understanding and awesome deal making. To this day, I’m glad to be a Nexcess customer). This post had put my site on the map. What was I going to do for a follow up?

The answer, in short, was Keanu Reeves. I had long since been a fan of The One, and had been defending him to my friends and family for years. After seeing the success of writing about a quirk of a celebrity near the time of the release of their new movie, I knew it was time to write a Keanu piece, in time for his new (quality draining) Sandra Bullock weepfest The Lake House. So on June 6, 2006, late in the evening I posted “Keanu Reeves Does NOT Suck, And I Can Prove It”. It was a great piece that highlighted the forty reasons why Keanu was cool, and I was extremely proud of how it came out. I went to bed a happy man, and with a feeling like this post was going to do good things for TheJay.com. Boy, was I right. By the time I checked my stats the next morning, I had already done more than 5GB of traffic (in less than 10 hours). Apparently, an enterprising reader put a link to the post on Reddit, which prompted an outpouring of support for the two time Ted “Theodore” Logan. The piece shot to the top of their most liked chart, landing it on prime real estate for browsers. And just like the Tom Hanks piece before it, the Keanu piece started a wildfire. I got posted on Keanu fan sites, got picked up on Gorilla Mask, on MSNBC.com, on USA Today and Whitney Matheson’s Pop Candy, and on a bevy of smaller personal blogs. Now, I was not only on the map, I was also a destination reading spot.

Over the next two months, this story got repeated multiple times. From “What’s Hiding In Owen Wilson’s Shag” (which was linked on the front page of the IMDB) to “A Press Release From Anne Hathaway’s Breasts” (which almost got me in trouble from the Associated Press) to “Just How Bland Is Orlando Bloom, Really?” (which nearly got me crucified by ignorant fangirls), the readers and the links kept coming. Less than four months after the Tom Hanks’s Hair piece, I have welcomed more than 250,000 people to my site, and seen my Alexa ranking soar from 1.3 million to 100,000 (I’m now rolling with the big boys of the Top 100k). Last September I had less than 500 unique visitors in the entire month. This year I expect to receive more than 50,000. And I hope to make at least a third of them laugh just once.

I want to thank everyone that has been such a great help to me over the last year: A-Train, The Lady, Tim, the family (but especially my Mom for giving me several much needed guilt trips about not posting enough), Greg Swaney, Attu, Spencer Sloan, John Walkenbach, the guys at Best Week Ever, College Humor and Gorilla Mask, and most of all myself, for being such a witty, witty bitch. I have a lot of great new stuff coming over the next year, including:

1. A redesign (Pimp the new in-development logo up at the top of the post. Let me know what you think in the comments section.)
2. Merchandise (t-shirts, hoodies and underoos coming soon…)
3. An official MySpace page, where you can be my friend (tempting, I know).
4. Podcasts (TheJay, coming soon in Stereo!)
5. Much, much more (I don’t really have a fifth thing planned, I’m just anal about having a nice round number.)

So stick around and enjoy the sarcasm and Reese Witherspoon insults. You won’t be disappointed. For your reading pleasure I’ve provided a breakdown of the site below. It’s everything you eve wanted to know (or probably didn’t care) about TheJay.com. Enjoy!

TheJay.com: A Stat Breakdown

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Total # of Visits: More than 375,000

Total # of Unique Visitors: More than 265,000

Total Bandwidth: More than 300GB

Average # of Readers Per Month: More than 22,000

Average # of Readers Since May: More than 52,000

Biggest Month: July 2006 – 75,000 Unique Visitors, 1,430,000 Hits, 60GB

Biggest Day: August 24, 2006 – 17,000 Unique Visitors, 310,000 Hits, 18GB

Alexa Ranking on May 1, 2006: 1,300,000

Alexa Ranking on September 13, 2006: 100,856 (A 1,300% jump in just four months)

Total Number of Posts: 77 (An average of 6 posts per month. Who says I’m not prolific?)

Total Number of Words Written: More than 160,000 (Good lord, I could have written a book in 160,000 words. And you know what the title would have been? “Tonight at The Jay: Everyone Gets Laid”. It’s tasteless, disgusting, offensive, and the best PCU quote.)

Total Number of Comments: 840

Total Number of Links: 373 links (and counting) from 166 blogs

Best / Coolest Links: IMDB, EW, Pop Candy, Ebaum’s World, College Humor, Gorilla Mask

Most Popular Post: Grading the Career of Tom Hanks’s Hair

Most Controversial Post: Keanu Reeves Does NOT Suck, And I Can Prove It

Most Overlooked Post: Tie:

• Ten Sequels I Would Love To See
• Recasting a Classic: Princess Bride

Worst Post: Tie:

• Siberia Season
• Crash?????????????????!!!?????!?!?!?!???????????!!!?!??!?!?

My Favorite Post: Tie:

• Rachel McAdams Is The Next
• 50 Reasons Why I Like Renee Zellweger
• Future Access Hollywood Spoilers
• Keanu Reeves Does NOT Suck, And I Can Prove It
• A Press Release From Anne Hathaway’s Breasts

My Least Favorite Post: Crash?????????????????!!!?????!?!?!?!???????????!!!?!??!?!?

Funniest Post (per capita): Tie:

• Tearful Celebrity Apologies
• Future Access Hollywood Spoilers

Longest Post: The Jay’s 2006 Summer Movie Preview Extravaganza!!!

My Favorite Posted Picture: The Jake Gyllenhaal Salute

Most Commented On Post: Keanu Reeves Does NOT Suck, And I Can Prove It – 291 Comments (and counting)

Biggest “The Jay Is An Idiot (more than normal)” Post: The Case For: Brokeback Mountain, Best Picture Oscar Winner

Biggest “The Jay Is So Smart He Might Actually Be A Prescient Being” (aka The “In Your Face, I Was So Right!” Award) Post: The time I told everyone I knew that King Kong would disappoint at the box office (but neglected to write it down as proof of my awesome forecasting powers).

Number of Swipes at Reese Witherspoon: More than 12 (don’t worry, I’ll get this higher next year)

Biggest “Friend of TheJay.com”: Robot Hand Is The Future, who has taken to linking every post I do, despite it’s quality. Thanks man!

Worst “Friend of TheJay.com”: Defamer - Would it kill you to link to me just once? Selfish, link-hoarding bastards (said completely out of love)!

Number of Unwarranted Cracks at Innocent Celebrities: Trick question, nothing I say about celebs is unwarranted. I’m harsh, but I’m right.

“Smartest” Post: Tie

• Breaking the Release Bubble Of Hollywood
• Royal Rumble: Movies vs. Marketing

Meanest Post: Just How Bland Is Orlando Bloom, Really?

Most Kiss Assy Post: I Saw Fiona Apple At The Wiltern And You Didn’t (I had to acid burn my nose just to get the smell of freaky musician ass of my nose.) (P.S. Your welcome for that visual.) (P.P.S.S. Fiona, your awesome; you too KT Tunstall, while we’re at it!)

Most Annoying Reader (s): The ten people or so who keep stealing my columns and reprinting them in their MySpace blogs without my permission. Screw you, thieving jackasses. Respect the Creative Commons liscense, bitches!

Most Awesome Hate Comments:

1. From the Tom Hanks Piece: rougy: Are you serious? Are you for real? Are you that petty and superficial? Here’s my grade for snarky diva websites who blow the miniscule out of proportion: F–

2. From the Tom Hanks Piece: The Dominator: Suck my dick this is horrible the guy is a complete shmuck fuck u and tom hanks get a life douche bag.

3. From the Tom Hanks Piece: Amy: You’re a moron. Plain and simple.

4. From the Owen Wilson Piece: shaia: ok, first off, this is the lamest thing i have ever read….Are people really that jealous of a star? do you NOT have anything better to do?? Did you truly get paid to write this? it is a waste of time, a waste of space, and a waste of probably someone brilliant talent of working for a newspaper (The Jay’s note: My readers are so eloquent. And have the best grammar.)

5. From the Orlando Bloom Piece: Victoria: Ok, I am an Orlando Bloom fan & I thought what you said was very rude, mean & Arrogant. If you don’t like his movies then don’t watch them or are you too stupid to do that because from your article it kind of sounds like your (sic) a complete moron anyway. You’re free to express your opinion but doesn’t make it right now does it. I so happend (sic) to like Pirates of the Caribiean (sic) Dead man’s chest, I didn’t like it, in fact I LOVED IT. You should quit your day job because you don’t know what you’re talking about by the way Troy too was a good movie, I liked it so much I bought the DVD. I think he is a a very talented actor. so all I have to say is nobody likes Jerks, it’s not a good trait. You’re just a jealous hater who has nothing better to do then to put down someone that’s doing better then you. Have a Great day! (The Jay’s Note: Again, let me call out how intelligent and well-written my readers are.)

Most Awesome Fan Mail Comment:

From Tearful Celebrity Apologies: Tony: Hey dude, dis is sum funny shit.

(Ed note: This is all I hope to hear from my readers. I’ve had more effusive fan mail, but this one sums it up best. Keep it coming, Tony. If you keep reading my funny shit, I’ll keep writing it.)

Thank you everybody, for reading and supporting this tiny, sarcastic, uber-witty, ultra-insightful, totally relevant, exceedingly important, humble website. It is much appreciated.

Bangarang!