I’d like to direct everyone to the uber-inventive folks over at AOL Moviefone, who put together a “helpful” list of last-minute, Halloween inspired movie costumes for anyone with no creativity and indecision problems. And though there are a few selections I guffawed at (Snakes on a Plane still cracks me up), most of them are dull, stupid, inane, or all of the above. Sure, it might be somewhat clever to dress up as Pierce Brosnan from The Matador, but who wants to be Miami Vice Colin Farell for Halloween? This isn’t Colin from a few years ago, who was bedding pre-Federline Britney and being generally kick ass in all his movies. This is Colin from right now, who is bloated, in rehab, overweight, a few weeks from full-blown alcohol induced blindness and probably couldn’t even nail Franken-titted Tara Reid if he put his game face on.
Other than getting to bed grumpy Jennifer Connelly, why would you ever want to be Paul Bettany for Halloween, least of all in his albino duds from The DaVinci Code? Borat will be more over-repped than Napoleon Dynamite was two years ago, absolutely no one even remembers Brokeback Mountain at this point (did that have a Gyllenhaal in it?), and the Ricky Bobby costume is lame unless you get a cougar to attack you every five minutes, while you exclaim the virtues of the dear lord baby Jesus (your costume will obviously be sponsored by Powerade, which, by the way, is so good, it cools you off, and we look forward to them coming out with Purple Mystic Mountain Blueberry). Basically, they took a few notable movie characters from the last couple years and called it a day. Seriously, how hard is it to suggest Nacho Libre? This is a sham list.
So I’m taking the list, throwing it out on its ass and creating an ever greater one. One that triumphs the values of those movie characters that never get a fair share come late-October. The movie character-inspired costumes that when worn, scream “I have bad taste in movies. Also, I smell a little funky. It’s not me, it’s the leather. Halle Berry Catwoman costumes aren’t supposed to be worn by men. Who wants to party?” I offer to you, dear readers, a collection of terrible Halloween costumes inspired by the movies.
To begin the list, I offer you the immortal words of that bitchy little creepy kid from Searching For Bobby Fischer, “Trick or Treat”.
Terl (John Travolta), Battlefield: Earth
What You’ll Need: Dreadlocks, a ridiculous nose piercing, a cod piece that even Joel Schumacher would call shenanigans on, ham-fisted acting and an eternal allegiance to Xenu and L. Ron
What You’ll Need: Dirty mental hospital rags, an irrationally perverted psyche, a soap bucket full of jism
Why It’s Terrible: I’m not necessarily against dressing up as a character whose sole purpose is to torment Jodie Foster by flinging dick junk at her, per se, but let’s just say it’s not exactly a costume that screams “Come and talk to me ladies, I’m not disgusting AT ALL”. Though I do think its fun for the whole family. Just imagine, your kid knocks on a door, a nice lady answers, he shouts the proverbial “Trick or Treat!”, she gives him an apple (which no kid ever likes) and in angered response, he flicks some jizz at her. That’ll teach her to give out fucking fruit on Halloween, and not have fun size Three Musketeer bars instead.
Mutant Tranny (aka Arclight), X-Men: The Last Stand
What You’ll Need: Clichéd gothic outfit, tons of late-90’s wannabe death metal piercings, a haircut Rosie O’Donnell would be offended by, a sensibility and attitude most often found on Santa Monica Blvd., and if you’re a girl you’ll obviously need a fake penis (boys can just tuck theirs back)
Why It’s Terrible: If your group is going as characters from the X-Men movies, why would you pick the worst, most lame, trashy one? Boils On My Penis Guy would have to be taken before I strapped on the mutant tranny costume.
What You’ll Need: Burn makeup, some glue, and a barrel of anti-Semitism
Why It’s Terrible: Well, as you know, the Jews are responsible for all the fires in the world. If it weren’t for Jews nobody would ever get burned. So dressing up in this costume brings with you the unbearable burden of having to hide your anti-Semitic thoughts by drowning them in alcohol and calling all women police officers “Sugar Tits”. This is an atrocity I don’t think our kids should have to deal with so soon in life. They’ll learn it enough on their own after watching Bird on a Wire and What Women Want.
What You’ll Need: Shaggy hair, goofy He-Men like chest protector, incurable blandness, and a vagina
Why It’s Terrible: If you’re picking characters to be from Troy and you choose Orlando Bloom, you deserve the beating you’re inevitably going to get. But don’t bother going to the cops, this might be the only acceptable hate crime we have in this country. After all, there’s no law against punching a bland actor in the face for making Pirates of the Caribbean 2 so freakin’ boring.
What You’ll Need: Ass-less leather chaps, a Zorro mask, a quick wit, a really slutty Donkey, and a penchant for rampant bestiality
Why It’s Terrible: Of all the animals you could choose to bang, why a donkey? They’re dirty, crude and ugly animals. Why not try to throw a shot into a flamingo, or a gazelle? You know, something pretty. Like say, a cute monkey perhaps; or Amanda Peet? Of all the places to stick your wiener, a jackass just doesn’t seem like the best idea. Plus, it’s quite frowned upon. How are you gonna go trick or treating while you’re having sex with a donkey? That’s just not practical.
Freakshow (Chris Meloni), Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
What You’ll Need: Lots of puss-filled boils, a Gonzo-like nose, an obsession with the dear Lord baby Jesus and an insatiable, crazy hot blonde wife
Why It’s Terrible: When you look the way Freakshow looks, your insatiable, crazy-hot blonde wife is always gonna throw herself at the stupid potheads you bring home. Plus, you have to put plastic down on everything in case one of your errant boils decides to go Dante’s Peak on your leather couch. Better to get a chemical peal and a nose job and save your marriage.
Maggie Fitzgerald-post boxing match accident (Hillary Swank), Million Dollar Baby
What You’ll Need: Huge horse like front teeth, boxer-like face bruises, a neck brace, an amputated left leg and a never ending supply of heavy handed dialogue (courtesy of Paul Haggis)
Why It’s Terrible: Hee hee, I actually don’t have a reason here. This costume would be “Crocodile Hunter with a stingray barb in the chest” awesome. I implore someone to do this.
What You’ll Need: An a-ton of yellow paint, a big ass knife, and an anatomically correct bathing suit area
Why It’s Terrible: Playing a big bird-colored rapist and killer doesn’t exactly scream “nice guy”. I mean you’re not getting laid at any Halloween party. You won’t even get action at the WeHo Halloween parade. So unless you’re prepared to go method with this costume and illegally violate a nubile coed, you might want to skip the Yellow Bastard costume and suit up in your emergency Jedi costume.
What You’ll Need: Lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of poop
Why It’s Terrible: Despite what you may think, your deuce does not smell like a winter spring. In reality, and it’s a sad fact, your shit stinks.
Why It’s Terrible:You all know of my love for The One, but even I have to admit how bad he is in this movie. I’d rather be Sweet November Keanu than Dracula Keanu. Heck, I’d rather be Johnny Mnemonic Keanu and face down a computerized dolphin, a rabid Ice-T and a totally insane Dolph Lundgren, before I strapped on my Transylvania boots and went out as Bad Acting Dracula Keanu.
What You’ll Need: Pocked, pasty skin, stringy blonde hair, teeth that even Kirsten Dunst would have fixed, a FUPA, latent homosexual tendencies, and an undying bloodlust for dirty truckers
Why It’s Terrible: They say that putting the word “sexy” in front of any costume makes it a good one. I beg to differ. “Sexy” Aileen Wurmos doesn’t work for me. Because “sexy” Aileen will still cut off my balls just to watch me bleed, then steal all my money to buy fried chicken for Christina Ricci, only she’ll do it in a halter top. The only association Aileen Wurmos has had with the word “sexy” is when Charlize Theron did publicity for the movie by posing near-nude on the cover of Harper’s Bazaar. Ladies, if you want to get some action on Halloween, try putting “sexy” in front of a different female movie character. Can I recommend something in a Slave Leia? Or in a Denise Richards from Wild Things?
What You’ll Need: A costume made either of tinfoil or cheap gypsy rags, an inability to say words at a volume heard by actual people, a bad free throw percentage, and an intense loathing for Kobe Bryant
Why It’s Terrible: Because if you’re going to dress up as a character made famous by a professional athlete and you don’t choose Kareem from that Bruce Willis movie or Andre the Giant from The Princess Bride, well then you’re just an idiot.
Why It’s Terrible: Because of all the roles where America’s Sweetheart has played either a bitch or a whore (and there have been quite a few, cough My Best Friend’s Wedding cough), this one was her worst. Clive Owen eviscerated her on-screen, Natalie Portman was sexier, more intelligent and far more likeable, even Jude Law was making us forget how much we hate him. But Julia on the other hand, aside from giving us the moment where Clive tells her to fuck off and die, brought nothing to the table. She ruined every relationship in the picture, and looked and acted ugly doing it. Tell me again why America loves her so much?
What You’ll Need: Goofy 80’s mustache, flight suit, penchant for Volleyball and Meg Ryan, a broken parachute, lots of blood and a “so close to crying but won’t let the tears out because he’s trying to be manly” Tom Cruise hovering around you at all times
Why It’s Terrible: I feel bad for Goose. He wasn’t as unintentionally funny as Slider, he wasn’t as kick ass as Ice Man, and he wasn’t banging a dude like Maverick. He had a hot wife, a cool job, a wonderfully cheesy mustache, and one time he gave the bird to a MIG. Sure, every once in a while he had to sing The Temptations to tranny’s in pilot bars, but all in all, his life was a pretty charmed one. Goose got a bad rap.
What You’ll Need: Undersized colored tank top, TIGHT blue jeans, stringy red hair, freckles for days, a look on your face that says “I wish the internet were around so I could stalk underage boys on MySpace (add me!)”, and an unhealthy obsession with Marky Mark’s penis.
Why It’s Terrible: I’m not saying Phillip Seymour Hoffman is a pederast, but he sure does play a lot of those types of roles (Happiness, 25th Hour). This is his most slimy, shifty, uncomfortable, and ugly of characters, and it guarantees that whoever wears this costume will not only be avoided all night like a Mariah Carrey movie, but may proactively be shunned by his social community. Take a look at the picture on the right. Would you ever want to look like that? I mean, ever? Sure, Marky Mark has a great penis and everything, but is it really worth looking like this, to get a piece of his Funky Bunch? Halloween is supposed to be fun and slutty, just not like this.
This month brings us The Prestige, a flick about dueling magicians, as well as being yet another in a string of movies released this year to star the dewy blonde fleshpot, Scarlett Johansson. And while many people will be going to see Batman and Wolverine duke it out to see who gets to kill David Blaine’s great-great grandfather, an even greater number of people will be going for one simple reason: to see if Scarlett finally, at long last, gets naked. Well, I’ll save you all some time. She doesn’t. And she won’t in any movie for the foreseeable future. And that sucks. Because as the reigning sex symbol in Hollywood she sells herself as the personification of adolescent male fantasy, yet seemingly refuses to bestow us the honor of showing us the chest pillows we men dream of laying our heads on. What kind of modern sex symbol would be so selfish?
Pam Anderson barely needs a wolf whistle to drop top (not that we want to see it anymore). Heather Graham gave us the duel kindness of showing some skin and promoting proper rollerskate use (she’s quite the humanitarian). Angelina practically has it written into her contract that she gets to unleash her Jolie’s on a grateful nation (as well as kissing girls that now appear on Lost. Which now, come to think about it, Jack really needs to rethink his shitty attitude towards Elizabeth Mitchell. If Gia is any indication, he has a better than average chance of convincing her and Kate to get into a little communal island love. Beat that, fish biscuit-eating Sawyer.). Even Marilyn Monroe, more than forty years ago, gave herself unto us with multiple nude layouts. And she would have done it on-screen if censors hadn’t been such a-holes back then (yet another reason why I don’t watch movies made before 1975. No nudity.). All these confirmed movie hotties were gracious enough to show us the goods, yet Scarlett won’t deign to provide us even a fleeting glimpse of her hugemongous knockers. And I for one am offended.
I think the idea of onscreen nudity has gotten muddled by the existence of the Maxim’s and FHM’s of the world. Aspiring actresses can slut it up in print and still keep their innocence (after all, Allison Hannigan did a 12 page spread in Maxim and she’s the picturesque image of milquetoast dorky Americana). And while we enjoy seeing all the nubile flesh and peek-a-boo hairflips of the third billed lead in the latest lame sport movie, the magazines have robbed us the opportunity to peer pressure hotties into some most excellent gratuitous movie nudity. Girls like Scarlett can say they’ve gotten near nude in various fashion and print layouts, so why do they need to show that extra inch or so of skin, onscreen. What difference would it make? Oh, let me tell you, it makes a difference.
Getting naked doesn’t hold the same stigma it once did. It used to be that if you stripped onscreen you were branded, or typecast, as someone cheap enough to disgrace the acting profession with their evil jumblies. Case in point, Meryl Streep has never been naked in a movie (not that we’d want to see it). But now we don’t think poorly of someone who exposes her blouse bunnies. In fact, we commend them. We applaud their willingness to give their all, to bare their entirety, to us, the little people. That they grace us with their nude presence makes them heroes to a nation of men so overloaded with sexual imagery in advertising and pop culture as a whole, that the only thing that really holds weight anymore is classic movie nudity. Trust me, internet porn is all well and good, but it doesn’t compare to being pleasantly surprised by Katie Holmes’s Cruise-less boobies in the third act of The Gift. That’s Joey from Dawson’s Creek, those are her boobies, and the screen is sixty feet big! Tell me how you top that with a low res jpeg on your Apple iBook? You can’t! Movie Nudity has become the classiest smut on the market. It’s almost high class. And as anyone who’s seen Charlize Theron’s nude work in Two Days in the Valley can attest, it may even be art.
Further, and more to the point, getting naked in a movie can help your career. Look at Halle Berry; she was an above average cutie with female lead potential, but no true star power, until she bribed the producers of Swordfish to give her half a million to introduce her little Bond girls to the world. Six months later she’s crying her eyes out on the Oscar stage. And now she’s an internationally-known movie star with a huge comic book franchise, above the title billing and industry-wide acceptance. Coincidence? I think not.
Or take Alyssa Milano, patron saint of the nude arts, whose hardwork, dedication and unyielding willingness to expose herself in countless low budget Skinemax flicks over the years has turned her into a small screen leading lady, a household name that any show can build an audience on (ditto Jamie Pressly here).
Or follow the example set by Kate Winslet, whose brave decision to get drawn in the buff in Titanic led directly to the film becoming the highest grossing movie of all time (sure, it may have had something to do with emotions, the special effects and grandeur and all that, but for the sake of serving my point, let’s just say it was her ta-ta’s that did it, and call it a day). Think about that. Her British Betties prompted the sale of more than $1.5 billion dollars worth of tickets, worldwide. Those are truly some business booming bazoomers.
When an actress comes on to the scene, and is even remotely attractive, men across the world start an unofficial clock in their heads, that counts down to the moment they get naked onscreen. It’s why we buy those magazines like Stuff and FHM; we’re hoping to catch a preview of future naked goods to come. And when they finally do get naked, we rejoice and thank the girl for her generosity. And we become lifelong fans. Do you think the Cruise-Holmes ship would be so frenetic if she was merely the lead female in a crappy, now-canceled WB teen drama? I think not. But when you give like she gave, we give back. So you see nudity can help build a loyal fanbase. Nudity can help make you seem vulnerable in the eyes of critics and Academy voters. Nudity can buy you a house in Malibu (assuming you are as shrewd an extortionist as Halle). From where I, and rest of the male population stand, nudity has no downside.
Which is why I’m going to give some career advice to a handful of female actors out there, who I think could improve their careers with a little “T” (we’ll save “A” for another column). Hopefully these fine ladies will heed my words and do what they can find an opportunity to display their breasasists in such a manner that it improves the quality of life for them and for us, be it professionally or awesomely, respectively. Ladies, listen close…
KIRSTEN DUNST
Reason To Get Naked: Anything to get me to stop staring in horror at her ugly vampire teeth.
THE OLSEN TWINS
Reason To Get Naked: To prove they’re not really aliens disguised as humans (and if they are, man alive those aliens have bad human disguise making machines. I’ve seen better trickery in Amanda Bynes tranny comedies.).
HILARY DUFF
Reason To Get Naked: To prove she wants more than just a career of Lizzie McGuire movies and vapid TRL appearances. And seriously, with all the work she’s had done, she’s gotten mere minutes until the nation of men collectively start to shudder at her appearance (something Tara Reid knows all about). She needs a reason for us to like her, and that reason is boobies.
WINONA RYDER
Reason To Get Naked: Because we’ve stood by her for all these years, from her still funny performances in Heathers and Beetlejuice to the insufferable Little Women, from the craptacular Autumn in New York to her inglorious shoplifting trial. We’ve watched her bounce from one low-life musician to the next and never judged her choices (Adam Duritz, really?). I think we men have earned the right to get a little unobstructed areola action. So I say “Free Winona (‘s boobies)”!
JENNIFER CONNELLY
Reason To Get Naked: Unless she’s planning on ever cracking a smile on film again, I’m gonna need another reason to drop $14 bucks on her depressing ass movies.
SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR
Reason To Get Naked: Showing her little slayer girls may have a Halle Berry effect of finally getting her out of genre movie hell, and onto the A-list (not to mention making my friend Galvez very happy).
SANDRA BULLOCK
Reason To Get Naked: To finally, at long last, replace all those crappy post-Speed, fake nude pics that every guy under 25 downloaded on AOL back in the mid-90’s, with something real.
DENISE RICHARDS
Reason To Get Naked: To remind us all why we began paying attention to her in the first place (because it certainly wasn’t her non-bravura Bond girl performance as a nuclear scientist in The World Is Not Enough).
JESSICA BIEL
Reason To Get Naked: If she ever wants to stop the talk of her looking more and more like a dude with every passing day, she’s gonna have to show us her female naughty bits (note to Biel: please stop working out. No guy wants to look at a girl and think she could kick their ass. It’s not sexy. Just ask Demi Moore.)
WILLA FORD
Reason To Get Naked: It would give America another reason to sit up and go “Who’s Willa Ford?”
ASHLEE SIMPSON
Reason To Get Naked: There’s really only one way to atone for lip-synching her way to a pop career and deceiving millions of people who were forced to listen to her “Pieces Of Me” song, and not be able to get the damn thing out of their head for like two weeks. And that way is boobies.
DAKOTA FANNING
Reason To Get Naked: Just Kidding! (Now Emma Watson on the other hand…)
ELISHA CUTHBERT
Reason To Get Naked: As penance to all the men who paid to see her play a pornstar in The Girl Next Door, only for it not to be worth it because she never got nude. How can you play a pornstar and not put your mammoth mammory glands on grand display? That’s like playing a lasso-wielding stripper in a graphic R-rated movie who doesn’t get gloriously topless even though we paid good money to support her career, to the point where we watched Idle Hands and all we got was two hours of Devon Sawa mugging for the camera. Just pure insanity!
KATE BOSWORTH
Reason To Get Naked: To show the world that her nipples are not multi-colored like her eyes (Though wouldn’t it be cool if they were? Like one pink one, one blue one? Now that would be a Blue Crush I’d be interested in seeing.).
TARA REID
Reason To Get Naked: Because horror shows are in right now.
BRITTANY MURPHY
Reason To Get Naked: There’s nothing hotter than B-list, anorexic, bat shit crazy cokehead boobies (I think I just threw up in my mouth a little).
PENELOPE CRUZ
Reason To Get Naked: There’s only one real way to cure her Box Office Poison disease: (say it with me now) boobies.
ALICIA SILVERSTONE
Reason To Get Naked: Anything to help us forget the one-two shit punch of Excess Baggage and Batman & Robin, and help us remember why she was the ultimate fantasy of millions of guys who religiously watched Mtv ten years ago in the vein hopes they’d replay the Aerosmith “Crazy” video (where she strips down with Liv Tyler and throws money at her), before the next episode of The Real World: San Francisco.
BEA ARTHUR
Reason To Get Naked: Dude, it’s Bea Arthur!
NICOLE RITCHIE
Reason To Get Naked: Little boys take their shirts off all the time.
I finally got around to seeing The Departed, and I agree with just about every person who ever wrote: “Insert Movie Title Here sucks,” and called themselves a film critic, that it’s the first truly good film we’ve had all year, and the first real potential Best Picture nominee (though I’m loathe to begin talking about awards season, lest the powers that be deem to start even earlier. I hear Ellen’s pushing for a December Oscars, so that she can wear her stylish, yet practical, holiday-themed red and green pantsuit.). But while Scorsese was kicking ass with his smash edits, iris wipes and generally awesome direction of cinematic violence, I couldn’t help but be distracted by the ultra all-star cast. Nicholson, DiCaprio, Damon, Wahlberg, Sheen, Baldwin. That could be a tenth of the EW Power list in any given year. We never get casts this loaded; which is unfortunate, because one of my favorite things about the movies is seeing big stars together on screen.
In fact, one of my absolute favorite things is looking back at old movies that have an uber-stacked, before-they-were-famous cast, and consider if it would be possible to bring that same cast back today. Could a Taps, with a pre-star Tom Cruise, Sean Penn and Timothy Hutton, be made today with post-crazy Tom, perennial a-hole Penn and unfortunate future canceled TV star Hutton? What would it take, in dollars, to redo Young Guns, now that Kiefer is Jack Bauer, or Crimson Tide, now that Viggo Mortensen is Aragorn?
It’s fun to look back in hindsight and consider whether the filmmakers knew they had stars on their hands. When Eddie Murphy was making Coming To America, do you think he realized that he had Samuel L. Jackson and Cuba Gooding Jr, in his movie? My guess is no, he was probably just killing time between takes, thinking about what type of tranny to “give a ride to” on Santa Monica Blvd. that night. If Coming To America were made to today, with Eddie, Sam, Cuba, James Earl Jones, a newly Soul-Glo’d Eric La Salle and an extremely thankful Arsenio Hall, it would make Meet The Parents money.
Of course you could never make Coming To America today, because the cost of the cast alone would make Bill Gates weak at the knees. And therein lies the rub in my fun game of “All Star Cast Hindsight Hijinks”. The reason those films were made in the first place was because those actors weren’t stars at the time, or they were semi-famous and potentially costly, but were desperate to work with a particular director and took a pay cut. So if you’re trying to pin down the films that could NEVER be made again, based solely on the cast, you can not include movies made by big-time directors.
Also, I’m not talking about star-studded, big-Hollywood movies like Ocean’s Eleven. Every now and then the stars align (no pun intended) and a slew of big name actors do a movie together. That’s not what we’re talking about here. Back in 1995, director Barbet Schroeder made Kiss of Death, which had Nic Cage, Sam Jackson, a then hot David Caruso, a then also hot and high-foreheaded Helen Hunt, not to mention, Ving Rhames, Michael Rapaport and the Tucci. Definitely a great cast, loaded with huge stars, and that’s the thing, they were all stars. You can’t count the film as one of those great hindsight flicks because the film marketed its stars. I want to look at movies that couldn’t sell its stars then, but could shoot the moon on them now.
I’m talking about films like School Ties, with a pre-famous Matt and Ben, or a True Romance, which is filthy with now big-time actors, but back then just had an above-average supporting cast. So let’s take a look at the films that could never be made again, based solely on the cast, with my above-mentioned caveats in mind.
TRUE ROMANCE
Before They Were Famous (And Annoying) Cast: Brad Pitt, Samuel L. Jackson, James Gandolfini, Patricia Arquette, Michael Rappaport, Tom “Sleazy” Sizemore, Jack Black (scenes mercifully deleted), as well as a semi-famous Christian Slater, Christopher Walken, Val Kilmer and Dennis Hopper
Cost To Bring Them Back Today: $65 Million (And all the pot Brad could smoke, all the coke Sizemore could snort, all the snakes Sam could kick off the muthafuckin set, and all the random people Christian Slater could bite in the ass)
Cast Member Most Willing To Come Back For Cheap: Tom Sizemore – Who’s trying to raise the cash for his next porno flick, “Sleazy Sizemore 2: Humpings from the guy in Saving Private Ryan not named Hanks, Damon or Diesel”. Should be a solid flick.
Biggest Current Star of the Cast: Brad Pitt – Who hasn’t moved too far from his Floyd persona. He’s still a bit slow, as evidenced by his choices in the mid 90’s: Seven Years in Tibet, The Devil’s Own, Sleepers, Juliette Lewis, as well as his recent choices: Ocean’s Twelve, The Mexican, not trying to get Jen in on a Pitt-Jolie ménage, and you know she’s just co-dependent enough to do it. I out and out guarantee she used that same tactic on Vince Vaughn, though apparently to no avail. Getting dumped by Brad Pitt is one thing. But getting dropped by an overweight, failed dramatic actor with vomit mouth tendencies is something entirely different. Man, how far the once hot, but now leathery ones fall. So, yeah, uh, Brad, he’s pretty famous now. Just to recap.
Biggest Cast Bust: Sizemore (natch) – When you go from being quality-era Oliver Stone’s go-to psycho, to making porn with girls that Jack Horner and the Colonel wouldn’t have touched with Dirk Diggler’s dick (not to mention trying to slug onto the Paris Hilton open door gravy train, like dude, you might want to aim higher if you want to get back into the fray.), you know you’re at a career low. At this point, VH1’s Surreal Life may be too exclusive a gig. Just a sad state of affairs.
Before They Were Famous (And Annoying) Cast: Russell Crowe, Leonardo DiCaprio, as well as already famous people Sharon “Batshit Crazy before there were bats” Stone, Gene Hackman, Lance Henrickson, Gary Sinise, Keith “Not David Keith” David, the bad guy from Saw, and Bruce “The Chin” Campbell (scenes unfortunately deleted)
Cost To Bring Them Back Today: The GDP of Ghana (or like $50 million)
Cast Member Most Willing To Come Back For Cheap: Something tells me convincing Sharon to come back won’t be too hard. However, convincing Russell to come back may be a bit tougher, seeing as he’s in some sort of self-imposed pansy phase. Who let him make a movie about running a winery? How does he go from unleashing hell to innocently growing grapes and wooing a native girl? I thought it was a rule that Crowe had to get into at least one bloody fight per movie. Did the Governator overrule this? What happened here? You throw one cell phone at an opportunistic bellboy and they take your balls away.
Biggest Current Star of the Cast: You could argue for any of the three male leads, but I’m going with DiCaprio here. He may be our only true movie star left these days. He has no political aspirations, is never in legal trouble, has toned down his public profile (How do you dump Giselle and not get Brangelina ink?), and spends all his time making good movies. Seriously, when was his last misstep? Dumping Giselle? Like he’ll have a problem finding a hot girl to date. I’m telling you, he’s all we got. Who’s gonna take his spot? Matt Damon? Tobey Maguire? Please.
Biggest Cast Bust: Sharon Stone – This is going to sound like a generalization, and maybe even a tad chauvinistic, but Hollywood does not like or want, strong, abrasive women. Sharon Stone, Demi Moore, Jennifer Lopez. All three were once at the head of the class. They were toplining big movies and garnering big paydays. Now? You can’t cast them in anything more than a big budget Lifetime movie (unless Ashton is willing to front the cost for a Demi vanity picture). I think strong women intimidate male audiences. The hardness diminishes their sex appeal, and demolishes their approachability factor. Softer, “nicer” women tend to have longer, though less flashy, careers (see: Heather Graham, Julia Roberts, Meg Ryan, Reese Witherspoon). It also didn’t help that Sharon invented the Batshit Crazy Celebrity Syndrome. That might have had something to do with it.
Before They Were Famous (And Annoying) Cast: Big Bad Ben Affleck, Matthew “Deodorant?” McConaughey, Renee “Reformed Bitchface” Zellweger, Parker Posey, Milla Jovovich, Cole Hauser, Nicky Katt, Adam Goldberg and Joey Lauren Adams
Cost To Bring Them Back Today: $45 Million (and a set large enough to contain their baggage)
Cast Member Most Willing To Come Back For Cheap: Even a month ago I would have said Affleck every day of the week and twice on Sundays. But with the well-deserved buzz for his turn as Superman in Hollywoodland, and his potential Oscar nomination (take that, Gigli!), it would seem he’s finally back on the right career track. No, I’m going with McConaughey, whose stubborn determination to remain in his Wooderson character for the better part of a decade and a half, is truly astonishing. He’s practically begging Linklater for a sequel. And frankly, there’s still time.
Biggest Current Star of the Cast: Affleck probably has the biggest worldwide profile. McConaughey probably has more heat in the US right now (even though it’s due to a string of ever more annoying romcoms. Seriously, can we give Russell’s balls to McConaughey so he can go back to making action movies like U-571). But as far as being the biggest “star”, I think Renee squeaks through. She’s the only one with a franchise (Bridget Jones), has more Oscar nods than the entire cast combined, gets better reviews and makes better movies (Chicago, notwithstanding). Plus, she’s at the top of the female A-list, right behind Nicole, Angelina, Reese and Julia (with Rachel McAdams nipping at her heels).
Biggest Cast Bust:Michelle Burke – She’s not on the above cast list because no one knows who she is, but trust me when I say she should be big right now (like Rachel Weisz big). She was the hottest girl in this movie, and was also Dan Aykroyd’s hottie daughter in The Coneheads. She hasn’t done much since, which is a complete shame. Not sure what happened here. Bad agent? Not enough studio asskissing? McConaughey gave her herpes on the set and she never recovered? We may never know. But if someone like Claire Forlani can get a second chance, maybe there’s hope for Michelle Burke yet.
Before They Were Famous (And Annoying) Cast: Jim Carrey, Nicolas Cage, Helen Hunt, Joan Allen, Kathleen Turner
Cost To Bring Them Back Today: $47 Million (though I hear Jim’s price tag is coming down considerably, payback for the weepy atrocity that was The Majestic)
Cast Member Most Willing To Come Back For Cheap: Turner’s got a nice career on Broadway, Nic’s doing just fine for himself making unwatchable big budget movies and Joan Allen is American Cinema Royalty at this point. So I’m going with Helen Hunt, who despite having won an Oscar, what seems like a gajillion Emmy’s and parts in a handful of hugely successful movies, seems to be as castable as Robert Blake these days. Why is this, you ask? I’ll give you a hint, it rhymes with “Fay it Porward.”
Biggest Current Star of the Cast: Easily Jim Carrey. Nic Cage is a solid second. And Kathleen Turner’s hoping those recent Nip/Tuck residuals will get her over the SAG insurance hump. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Biggest Cast Bust: Kathleen Turner - Speaking of the former V.I. Warshawski… You have to understand, back in the early 80’s she might have been a top five all time screen hottie, and now she looks so much like a Santa Monica Blvd. tranny that she actually got cast to be a tranny on Friends. But go and rent Body Heat. Skip to the scene where William Hurt is desperately trying to find a way into the locked house, while Turner just stands there, fondling herself in a skin tight white blouse, looking like a cat in heat. Watch that scene, remember she was also the voice of Jessica Rabbit, have some alone time with yourself, and then try not to shed a tear at what might have been.
Before They Were Famous (And Annoying) Cast: Big Bad Ben Affleck (again), “Little Mattie” Damon, Brendan Fraser, Chris “McVet” O’Donnell, Cole Hauser, “Rent’s” Anthony Rapp, Amy “Career R.I.P.” Locane
Cost To Bring Them Back Today: $43 Million, plus another $5 mil each to Affleck and Fraser to stop them from mugging their way through the entire picture.
Cast Member Most Willing To Come Back For Cheap: Cole Hauser’s making a name for himself toplining crummy B-movies. O’Donnell’s finally learning that his appeal lies on the small screen (and on that note: let’s hope he kicks McDreamy’s ass one of these days. I dig the Dempsey, but brother’s a right douchebag on the show, maybe even more so than Meredith Grey herself.). We know Affleck and Damon’s story, so that leaves Brendan Fraser. More on him in a minute…
Biggest Current Star of the Cast: Matt Damon – And it’s not even close. When Affleck and Damon first broke I kept saying to anyone who would listen that Damon would have the longer (and more critically acclaimed) career, but that Affleck would be the bigger star. And lo and behold, all these years later, I was right. Affleck is arguably the bigger name (though granted it’s due more to his private and professional flops, then it is to his box office success or acting ability), but Damon is having the better career, and is poised to cement his cinematic legacy, assuming he doesn’t come up snake eyes with the next Bourne movie. If only Affleck had befriended Clooney, the way Damon did, things might be different. It might have been Affleck in the Mark Wahlberg role in The Departed (which would have been cool to see).
Biggest Cast Bust: Brendan Fraser – Brendan Fraser should be an A-list star. He has those meathead good looks that are so appealing in Hollywood, he has a good voice, he’s admittedly a good actor, and from what I hear, he’s one of the nicest guys in the business. The reason he’s not an A-list star: he likes to play idiots. And what’s worse, he’s not fun to watch as an idiot. I’ve never seen a star so two-faced with their talent. When Brendan stops mugging he’s an extremely engaging, charismatic actor. But when some poor first-time director lets him unleash the doof, Brendan is about as fun to watch as a rectal cavity search. I can’t believe he hasn’t figured this out yet. What’s more, I can’t believe his agent hasn’t told him yet. Yes, he was fun in Encino Man and Airheads, but those movies are long gone. And audiences only liked him in George of the Jungle because he had 2% body fat. If he stuck to action movies and high-brow dramas, I guarantee he’d have been Oscar nominated by now.
If you took out all the crappy comedies he’s made (which basically means all of them), his resume would be as loaded as Sean Penn or at least a Dennis Quaid. Take away the comedies and this is what his resume would look like:
Crash (2004)
The Quiet American (2002)
The Mummy Returns (2001)
The Mummy (1999)
Gods and Monsters (1998)
Still Breathing (1997)
Now and Then (1995) (uncredited)
The Passion of Darkly Noon (1995)
With Honors (1994)
School Ties (1992)
That’s one Best Picture, two critically-acclaimed dramas, two huge blockbusters and a group of well-received movies. It’s a great line-up. And if it weren’t for his comedic resume looking like this:
Looney Tunes: Back in Action (2003)
Monkeybone (2001)
Bedazzled (2000)
Dudley Do-Right (1999)
Blast from the Past (1999)
George of the Jungle (1997)
Mrs. Winterbourne (1996)
The Scout (1994)
Airheads (1994)
Encino Man (1992)
He’d probably be one the most well-respected actors in Hollywood. I just can’t wrap my head around these two lists. I’ve never seen a star so two-faced with their talent. One face is a respected thespian that does great work in ensemble dramas and holds his own against acting heavyweights (Ian McKellan, Michael Caine). And the other is a dimwitted buffoon who likes to make poop noises and share the screen with Chris Kattan and Ricki Lake. I watch School Ties, specifically the powerful scene where he stands in the rain waiting for the fight that’s never going to come, and I wonder why he isn’t in The Departed.
I wonder why the best thing going in his career is a two-bit action franchise and a recurring role on Scrubs. I watch him opposite Patrick Dempsey in With Honors and shake my head that PD is a huge TV star now and Brendan is readying a third Mummy movie that Rachel Weisz wants nothing to do with. If only he could stop acting like an idiot half the time, we might get one of our best, and most interesting actors back. Heck, if he stuck to the dramas and stopped inflicting shit like Monkeybone on me, I might even forgive him for ruining Alicia Silverstone’s romantic comedy career.
But then again, if he hadn’t done that, I never would have done extra work on her comeback TV show and gotten to see her up close in a cleavage-revealing ball gown. So I guess I can’t be entirely mad at him.
I’ll be the first to admit, today’s post is not the true intention of this website. As much as I admire what they do, I’m not, nor will I ever be, Harry, Berge, Garth, Trent or any of the other sites that focus on early looks at movies. Posting exclusive pictures from movie sets is their domain. I bash celebrities. That’s where I live. Some sites live off of uncovering who’s playing the next James Bond, I like to deduce who has the biggest mouth in Hollywood (literally). While others post reviews of test screenings, I create charts to measure Orlando Bloom’s blandness. And while on other sites you’ll find trashy pictures of Lindsay Lohan walking around in a bikini, denying/doing coke or going into her umpteenth Hollywood club, or doing all of them at the same time, here you’ll find me grading the career of Tom Hanks’s hair. You get the point. I don’t usually post exclusive pictures (unless they make Reese Witherspoon look bad, then I’m all over it). But what I am is an opportunist. So when a friend called and told me he had pictures and video taken from the set of Michael Bay’s upcoming Big Fucking Machines adaptation abomination, Transformers, I was intrigued to say the least.
So why run them? Why not just send them in to Ain’t It Cool like a normal obedient geek? Well, it’s simple really. I like bringing the sarcasm. It’s what gets me up in the morning (that and my TiVo). So I figured, why not post the pictures myself and take the opportunity to make cynically sarcastic, yet coldly incisive comments about the movie and the man behind it. After all, what kind of snarky online entertainment humorist would I be if I didn’t take every chance to throw a zinger Michael Bay’s deserving way? So without further ado I present to you a collection of pictures taken from the recent downtown LA set of Michael “Edit” Bay’s Transformers.
Click any of the pictures to see larger versions.
This is not intended to be a metaphor for the way Michael Bay is handling a beloved 80’s cartoon icon. But it could be argued it’s a metaphor for how we should look at his last movie (i.e. as “Garbage”).
Why does Bumblebee look depressed in every picture we see of him? Does he know something we don’t? Did Bay finally break his spirit? What was the final straw? Did Bay threaten to bring in Josh Hartnett to do his voice?
Here’s Michael Bay standing in front of the tow truck presumably manned by Even Stevens’ Shia LeBouf. No word on whether or not Shia is still traumatized from his last middling robot action movie.
My guess for what Bay’s saying here: “Dammit! Where’s my 360 cam? How am I supposed to catch the intimacy of this scene if I can’t do a 360 around the car! Don’t you people know anything about mis en scene?”
Is that Sam Jackson in the purple shirt? “I want these muthafuckin Decepticons off this muthafuckin Earth!”
What’s ironic is that this street hasn’t been dressed. The production just drove into Downtown LA and came upon this. It’s pretty standard street faire down there.
Does anyone else see a big whole in the ground with cars sticking out and immediately think of Ghostbusters? “The next time someone asks if you’re an Autobot, you say YES!”
This is kinda cool. I don’t have a joke here, I just like the picture.
Moving on…
I see the Governator decided to visit the set. (All kidding aside, here’s some real info: this is supposed to be the Decepticon Infiltrator aka Devastator.)
Meanwhile, Bumblebee is still sulking by his trailer. Bay told him he wasn’t emotionally connected in the last explosion scene, and Bumblebee broke down and ran offset. Fortunately, Shia had some experience comforting emotionally stunted actors, having co-starred in Constantine, and knew just what to say to cheer the Autobot up (just kidding Keanu, I still think you rule).
But nothing the well-intentioned actor said could truly lift the depressed Autobot’s spirit. He’ll just never be able to get beyond the fact that SAG doesn’t include machine-based actors (The Governator not withstanding) in their organization, and as such, will do nothing to protect him from the evil machinations and harsh working conditions of the big bad Michael Bay. Maybe when the shoot is over he can get an audition as the black smoke monster on Lost. I hear that’s a much calmer set.
Here are all the rest of the pics:
And if I’m not mistaken, I promised you video. And since The Jay is a man of his word, here are two exclusive videos shot from an office window overlooking the set of Transformers (I’ll save you some time and let you know now that there are no actual Transformers in the videos, but there still cool, nonetheless.)
Peep the camera car that follows the tow truck. Very cool stuff.
And here’s the video coup de grace. If you ever wanted to hear Michael Bay yell at extras, than your day has come (Note: this is a little on the longish side, but still pretty cool).
Hope you liked my little exclusive. In the effort of full disclosure, let me say that I’m looking forward to the movie, and hope Michael Bay pulls it off. I tend to like his movies, despite the fact they gave rise to the age of Nicolas Cage, Action Star (which culminated in its ludicrousosity when Cage Baywatched from a fireball in Con Air, hair extensions, body oil and Soul Glo flinging helplessly in every direction. The ugliness of that image will haunt my dreams forever.). I have liked everything I’ve seen so far, from the teaser, to the posters, to the cast, to the set reports I’ve been reading online; I even support the new look of Optimus Prime and the decision to hold off using Grimlock (my favorite Transformer) until the sequels. So despite my having a little fun with the movie and it’s malevolently benevolent director, count me in as an eager fanboy, giddy with anticipation in seeing the Transformers come to life on the silver screen (minus the above-mentioned Josh Hartnett voice work, of course).
If you want to steal the pictures you may do so, just do me a favor and throw a link my way. I respect internet thievery, as long as it’s honorable.
All images courtesy of first time spy, long time TheJay.com reader, C-Mack B.
I’d like to direct everyone to the uber-inventive folks over at AOL Moviefone, who put together a “helpful” list of last-minute, Halloween inspired movie costumes for anyone with no creativity and indecision problems. And though there are a few selections I guffawed at (Snakes on a Plane still cracks me up), most of them are dull, stupid, inane, or all of the above. Sure, it might be somewhat clever to dress up as Pierce Brosnan from The Matador, but who wants to be Miami Vice Colin Farell for Halloween? This isn’t Colin from a few years ago, who was bedding pre-Federline Britney and being generally kick ass in all his movies. This is Colin from right now, who is bloated, in rehab, overweight, a few weeks from full-blown alcohol induced blindness and probably couldn’t even nail Franken-titted Tara Reid if he put his game face on. 
So I’m taking the list, throwing it out on its ass and creating an ever greater one. One that triumphs the values of those movie characters that never get a fair share come late-October. The movie character-inspired costumes that when worn, scream “I have bad taste in movies. Also, I smell a little funky. It’s not me, it’s the leather. Halle Berry Catwoman costumes aren’t supposed to be worn by men. Who wants to party?” I offer to you, dear readers, a collection of terrible Halloween costumes inspired by the movies. 
Justin McLeod (Mel Gibson), Man Without A Face
Freakshow (Chris Meloni), Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
Yellow Bastard (Nick Stahl), Sin City
Aileen Wurmos (Charlize Theron), Monster
Anna (Julia Roberts), Closer
Scotty J (Phillip Seymour Hoffman), Boogie Nights
This month brings us The Prestige, a flick about dueling magicians, as well as being yet another in a string of movies released this year to star the dewy blonde fleshpot, Scarlett Johansson. And while many people will be going to see Batman and Wolverine duke it out to see who gets to kill David Blaine’s great-great grandfather, an even greater number of people will be going for one simple reason: to see if Scarlett finally, at long last, gets naked. Well, I’ll save you all some time. She doesn’t. And she won’t in any movie for the foreseeable future. And that sucks. Because as the reigning sex symbol in Hollywood she sells herself as the personification of adolescent male fantasy, yet seemingly refuses to bestow us the honor of showing us the chest pillows we men dream of laying our heads on. What kind of modern sex symbol would be so selfish? 
Getting naked doesn’t hold the same stigma it once did. It used to be that if you stripped onscreen you were branded, or typecast, as someone cheap enough to disgrace the acting profession with their evil jumblies. Case in point, Meryl Streep has never been naked in a movie (not that we’d want to see it). But now we don’t think poorly of someone who exposes her blouse bunnies. In fact, we commend them. We applaud their willingness to give their all, to bare their entirety, to us, the little people. That they grace us with their nude presence makes them heroes to a nation of men so overloaded with sexual imagery in advertising and pop culture as a whole, that the only thing that really holds weight anymore is classic movie nudity. Trust me, internet porn is all well and good, but it doesn’t compare to being pleasantly surprised by Katie Holmes’s Cruise-less boobies in the third act of The Gift. That’s Joey from Dawson’s Creek, those are her boobies, and the screen is sixty feet big! Tell me how you top that with a low res jpeg on your Apple iBook? You can’t! Movie Nudity has become the classiest smut on the market. It’s almost high class. And as anyone who’s seen Charlize Theron’s nude work in Two Days in the Valley can attest, it may even be art.
When an actress comes on to the scene, and is even remotely attractive, men across the world start an unofficial clock in their heads, that counts down to the moment they get naked onscreen. It’s why we buy those magazines like Stuff and FHM; we’re hoping to catch a preview of future naked goods to come. And when they finally do get naked, we rejoice and thank the girl for her generosity. And we become lifelong fans. Do you think the Cruise-Holmes ship would be so frenetic if she was merely the lead female in a crappy, now-canceled WB teen drama? I think not. But when you give like she gave, we give back. So you see nudity can help build a loyal fanbase. Nudity can help make you seem vulnerable in the eyes of critics and Academy voters. Nudity can buy you a house in Malibu (assuming you are as shrewd an extortionist as Halle). From where I, and rest of the male population stand, nudity has no downside.
WINONA RYDER
JESSICA BIEL
KATE BOSWORTH
BEA ARTHUR
I finally got around to seeing The Departed, and I agree with just about every person who ever wrote: “Insert Movie Title Here sucks,” and called themselves a film critic, that it’s the first truly good film we’ve had all year, and the first real potential Best Picture nominee (though I’m loathe to begin talking about awards season, lest the powers that be deem to start even earlier. I hear Ellen’s pushing for a December Oscars, so that she can wear her stylish, yet practical, holiday-themed red and green pantsuit.). But while Scorsese was kicking ass with his smash edits, iris wipes and generally awesome direction of cinematic violence, I couldn’t help but be distracted by the ultra all-star cast. Nicholson, DiCaprio, Damon, Wahlberg, Sheen, Baldwin. That could be a tenth of the EW Power list in any given year. We never get casts this loaded; which is unfortunate, because one of my favorite things about the movies is seeing big stars together on screen. 
TRUE ROMANCE
THE QUICK AND THE DEAD
DAZED AND CONFUSED
PEGGY SUE GOT MARRIED
SCHOOL TIES
