I finally got around to seeing The Departed, and I agree with just about every person who ever wrote: “Insert Movie Title Here sucks,” and called themselves a film critic, that it’s the first truly good film we’ve had all year, and the first real potential Best Picture nominee (though I’m loathe to begin talking about awards season, lest the powers that be deem to start even earlier. I hear Ellen’s pushing for a December Oscars, so that she can wear her stylish, yet practical, holiday-themed red and green pantsuit.). But while Scorsese was kicking ass with his smash edits, iris wipes and generally awesome direction of cinematic violence, I couldn’t help but be distracted by the ultra all-star cast. Nicholson, DiCaprio, Damon, Wahlberg, Sheen, Baldwin. That could be a tenth of the EW Power list in any given year. We never get casts this loaded; which is unfortunate, because one of my favorite things about the movies is seeing big stars together on screen.

In fact, one of my absolute favorite things is looking back at old movies that have an uber-stacked, before-they-were-famous cast, and consider if it would be possible to bring that same cast back today. Could a Taps, with a pre-star Tom Cruise, Sean Penn and Timothy Hutton, be made today with post-crazy Tom, perennial a-hole Penn and unfortunate future canceled TV star Hutton? What would it take, in dollars, to redo Young Guns, now that Kiefer is Jack Bauer, or Crimson Tide, now that Viggo Mortensen is Aragorn?

It’s fun to look back in hindsight and consider whether the filmmakers knew they had stars on their hands. When Eddie Murphy was making Coming To America, do you think he realized that he had Samuel L. Jackson and Cuba Gooding Jr, in his movie? My guess is no, he was probably just killing time between takes, thinking about what type of tranny to “give a ride to” on Santa Monica Blvd. that night. If Coming To America were made to today, with Eddie, Sam, Cuba, James Earl Jones, a newly Soul-Glo’d Eric La Salle and an extremely thankful Arsenio Hall, it would make Meet The Parents money.

Of course you could never make Coming To America today, because the cost of the cast alone would make Bill Gates weak at the knees. And therein lies the rub in my fun game of “All Star Cast Hindsight Hijinks”. The reason those films were made in the first place was because those actors weren’t stars at the time, or they were semi-famous and potentially costly, but were desperate to work with a particular director and took a pay cut. So if you’re trying to pin down the films that could NEVER be made again, based solely on the cast, you can not include movies made by big-time directors.

Also, I’m not talking about star-studded, big-Hollywood movies like Ocean’s Eleven. Every now and then the stars align (no pun intended) and a slew of big name actors do a movie together. That’s not what we’re talking about here. Back in 1995, director Barbet Schroeder made Kiss of Death, which had Nic Cage, Sam Jackson, a then hot David Caruso, a then also hot and high-foreheaded Helen Hunt, not to mention, Ving Rhames, Michael Rapaport and the Tucci. Definitely a great cast, loaded with huge stars, and that’s the thing, they were all stars. You can’t count the film as one of those great hindsight flicks because the film marketed its stars. I want to look at movies that couldn’t sell its stars then, but could shoot the moon on them now.

I’m talking about films like School Ties, with a pre-famous Matt and Ben, or a True Romance, which is filthy with now big-time actors, but back then just had an above-average supporting cast. So let’s take a look at the films that could never be made again, based solely on the cast, with my above-mentioned caveats in mind.

TRUE ROMANCE

Before They Were Famous (And Annoying) Cast: Brad Pitt, Samuel L. Jackson, James Gandolfini, Patricia Arquette, Michael Rappaport, Tom “Sleazy” Sizemore, Jack Black (scenes mercifully deleted), as well as a semi-famous Christian Slater, Christopher Walken, Val Kilmer and Dennis Hopper

Cost To Bring Them Back Today: $65 Million (And all the pot Brad could smoke, all the coke Sizemore could snort, all the snakes Sam could kick off the muthafuckin set, and all the random people Christian Slater could bite in the ass)

Cast Member Most Willing To Come Back For Cheap: Tom Sizemore – Who’s trying to raise the cash for his next porno flick, “Sleazy Sizemore 2: Humpings from the guy in Saving Private Ryan not named Hanks, Damon or Diesel”. Should be a solid flick.

Biggest Current Star of the Cast: Brad Pitt – Who hasn’t moved too far from his Floyd persona. He’s still a bit slow, as evidenced by his choices in the mid 90’s: Seven Years in Tibet, The Devil’s Own, Sleepers, Juliette Lewis, as well as his recent choices: Ocean’s Twelve, The Mexican, not trying to get Jen in on a Pitt-Jolie ménage, and you know she’s just co-dependent enough to do it. I out and out guarantee she used that same tactic on Vince Vaughn, though apparently to no avail. Getting dumped by Brad Pitt is one thing. But getting dropped by an overweight, failed dramatic actor with vomit mouth tendencies is something entirely different. Man, how far the once hot, but now leathery ones fall. So, yeah, uh, Brad, he’s pretty famous now. Just to recap.

Biggest Cast Bust: Sizemore (natch) – When you go from being quality-era Oliver Stone’s go-to psycho, to making porn with girls that Jack Horner and the Colonel wouldn’t have touched with Dirk Diggler’s dick (not to mention trying to slug onto the Paris Hilton open door gravy train, like dude, you might want to aim higher if you want to get back into the fray.), you know you’re at a career low. At this point, VH1’s Surreal Life may be too exclusive a gig. Just a sad state of affairs.

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THE QUICK AND THE DEAD

Before They Were Famous (And Annoying) Cast: Russell Crowe, Leonardo DiCaprio, as well as already famous people Sharon “Batshit Crazy before there were bats” Stone, Gene Hackman, Lance Henrickson, Gary Sinise, Keith “Not David Keith” David, the bad guy from Saw, and Bruce “The Chin” Campbell (scenes unfortunately deleted)

Cost To Bring Them Back Today: The GDP of Ghana (or like $50 million)

Cast Member Most Willing To Come Back For Cheap: Something tells me convincing Sharon to come back won’t be too hard. However, convincing Russell to come back may be a bit tougher, seeing as he’s in some sort of self-imposed pansy phase. Who let him make a movie about running a winery? How does he go from unleashing hell to innocently growing grapes and wooing a native girl? I thought it was a rule that Crowe had to get into at least one bloody fight per movie. Did the Governator overrule this? What happened here? You throw one cell phone at an opportunistic bellboy and they take your balls away.

Biggest Current Star of the Cast: You could argue for any of the three male leads, but I’m going with DiCaprio here. He may be our only true movie star left these days. He has no political aspirations, is never in legal trouble, has toned down his public profile (How do you dump Giselle and not get Brangelina ink?), and spends all his time making good movies. Seriously, when was his last misstep? Dumping Giselle? Like he’ll have a problem finding a hot girl to date. I’m telling you, he’s all we got. Who’s gonna take his spot? Matt Damon? Tobey Maguire? Please.

Biggest Cast Bust: Sharon Stone – This is going to sound like a generalization, and maybe even a tad chauvinistic, but Hollywood does not like or want, strong, abrasive women. Sharon Stone, Demi Moore, Jennifer Lopez. All three were once at the head of the class. They were toplining big movies and garnering big paydays. Now? You can’t cast them in anything more than a big budget Lifetime movie (unless Ashton is willing to front the cost for a Demi vanity picture). I think strong women intimidate male audiences. The hardness diminishes their sex appeal, and demolishes their approachability factor. Softer, “nicer” women tend to have longer, though less flashy, careers (see: Heather Graham, Julia Roberts, Meg Ryan, Reese Witherspoon). It also didn’t help that Sharon invented the Batshit Crazy Celebrity Syndrome. That might have had something to do with it.

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DAZED AND CONFUSED

Before They Were Famous (And Annoying) Cast: Big Bad Ben Affleck, Matthew “Deodorant?” McConaughey, Renee “Reformed Bitchface” Zellweger, Parker Posey, Milla Jovovich, Cole Hauser, Nicky Katt, Adam Goldberg and Joey Lauren Adams

Cost To Bring Them Back Today: $45 Million (and a set large enough to contain their baggage)

Cast Member Most Willing To Come Back For Cheap: Even a month ago I would have said Affleck every day of the week and twice on Sundays. But with the well-deserved buzz for his turn as Superman in Hollywoodland, and his potential Oscar nomination (take that, Gigli!), it would seem he’s finally back on the right career track. No, I’m going with McConaughey, whose stubborn determination to remain in his Wooderson character for the better part of a decade and a half, is truly astonishing. He’s practically begging Linklater for a sequel. And frankly, there’s still time.

Biggest Current Star of the Cast: Affleck probably has the biggest worldwide profile. McConaughey probably has more heat in the US right now (even though it’s due to a string of ever more annoying romcoms. Seriously, can we give Russell’s balls to McConaughey so he can go back to making action movies like U-571). But as far as being the biggest “star”, I think Renee squeaks through. She’s the only one with a franchise (Bridget Jones), has more Oscar nods than the entire cast combined, gets better reviews and makes better movies (Chicago, notwithstanding). Plus, she’s at the top of the female A-list, right behind Nicole, Angelina, Reese and Julia (with Rachel McAdams nipping at her heels).

Biggest Cast Bust: Michelle Burke – She’s not on the above cast list because no one knows who she is, but trust me when I say she should be big right now (like Rachel Weisz big). She was the hottest girl in this movie, and was also Dan Aykroyd’s hottie daughter in The Coneheads. She hasn’t done much since, which is a complete shame. Not sure what happened here. Bad agent? Not enough studio asskissing? McConaughey gave her herpes on the set and she never recovered? We may never know. But if someone like Claire Forlani can get a second chance, maybe there’s hope for Michelle Burke yet.

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PEGGY SUE GOT MARRIED

Before They Were Famous (And Annoying) Cast: Jim Carrey, Nicolas Cage, Helen Hunt, Joan Allen, Kathleen Turner

Cost To Bring Them Back Today: $47 Million (though I hear Jim’s price tag is coming down considerably, payback for the weepy atrocity that was The Majestic)

Cast Member Most Willing To Come Back For Cheap: Turner’s got a nice career on Broadway, Nic’s doing just fine for himself making unwatchable big budget movies and Joan Allen is American Cinema Royalty at this point. So I’m going with Helen Hunt, who despite having won an Oscar, what seems like a gajillion Emmy’s and parts in a handful of hugely successful movies, seems to be as castable as Robert Blake these days. Why is this, you ask? I’ll give you a hint, it rhymes with “Fay it Porward.”

Biggest Current Star of the Cast: Easily Jim Carrey. Nic Cage is a solid second. And Kathleen Turner’s hoping those recent Nip/Tuck residuals will get her over the SAG insurance hump. Everybody’s working for the weekend.

Biggest Cast Bust: Kathleen Turner - Speaking of the former V.I. Warshawski… You have to understand, back in the early 80’s she might have been a top five all time screen hottie, and now she looks so much like a Santa Monica Blvd. tranny that she actually got cast to be a tranny on Friends. But go and rent Body Heat. Skip to the scene where William Hurt is desperately trying to find a way into the locked house, while Turner just stands there, fondling herself in a skin tight white blouse, looking like a cat in heat. Watch that scene, remember she was also the voice of Jessica Rabbit, have some alone time with yourself, and then try not to shed a tear at what might have been.

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SCHOOL TIES

Before They Were Famous (And Annoying) Cast: Big Bad Ben Affleck (again), “Little Mattie” Damon, Brendan Fraser, Chris “McVet” O’Donnell, Cole Hauser, “Rent’s” Anthony Rapp, Amy “Career R.I.P.” Locane

Cost To Bring Them Back Today: $43 Million, plus another $5 mil each to Affleck and Fraser to stop them from mugging their way through the entire picture.

Cast Member Most Willing To Come Back For Cheap: Cole Hauser’s making a name for himself toplining crummy B-movies. O’Donnell’s finally learning that his appeal lies on the small screen (and on that note: let’s hope he kicks McDreamy’s ass one of these days. I dig the Dempsey, but brother’s a right douchebag on the show, maybe even more so than Meredith Grey herself.). We know Affleck and Damon’s story, so that leaves Brendan Fraser. More on him in a minute…

Biggest Current Star of the Cast: Matt Damon – And it’s not even close. When Affleck and Damon first broke I kept saying to anyone who would listen that Damon would have the longer (and more critically acclaimed) career, but that Affleck would be the bigger star. And lo and behold, all these years later, I was right. Affleck is arguably the bigger name (though granted it’s due more to his private and professional flops, then it is to his box office success or acting ability), but Damon is having the better career, and is poised to cement his cinematic legacy, assuming he doesn’t come up snake eyes with the next Bourne movie. If only Affleck had befriended Clooney, the way Damon did, things might be different. It might have been Affleck in the Mark Wahlberg role in The Departed (which would have been cool to see).

Biggest Cast Bust: Brendan Fraser – Brendan Fraser should be an A-list star. He has those meathead good looks that are so appealing in Hollywood, he has a good voice, he’s admittedly a good actor, and from what I hear, he’s one of the nicest guys in the business. The reason he’s not an A-list star: he likes to play idiots. And what’s worse, he’s not fun to watch as an idiot. I’ve never seen a star so two-faced with their talent. When Brendan stops mugging he’s an extremely engaging, charismatic actor. But when some poor first-time director lets him unleash the doof, Brendan is about as fun to watch as a rectal cavity search. I can’t believe he hasn’t figured this out yet. What’s more, I can’t believe his agent hasn’t told him yet. Yes, he was fun in Encino Man and Airheads, but those movies are long gone. And audiences only liked him in George of the Jungle because he had 2% body fat. If he stuck to action movies and high-brow dramas, I guarantee he’d have been Oscar nominated by now.

If you took out all the crappy comedies he’s made (which basically means all of them), his resume would be as loaded as Sean Penn or at least a Dennis Quaid. Take away the comedies and this is what his resume would look like:

1. Crash (2004)
2. The Quiet American (2002)
3. The Mummy Returns (2001)
4. The Mummy (1999)
5. Gods and Monsters (1998)
6. Still Breathing (1997)
7. Now and Then (1995) (uncredited)
8. The Passion of Darkly Noon (1995)
9. With Honors (1994)
10. School Ties (1992)

That’s one Best Picture, two critically-acclaimed dramas, two huge blockbusters and a group of well-received movies. It’s a great line-up. And if it weren’t for his comedic resume looking like this:

1. Looney Tunes: Back in Action (2003)
2. Monkeybone (2001)
3. Bedazzled (2000)
4. Dudley Do-Right (1999)
5. Blast from the Past (1999)
6. George of the Jungle (1997)
7. Mrs. Winterbourne (1996)
8. The Scout (1994)
9. Airheads (1994)
10. Encino Man (1992)

He’d probably be one the most well-respected actors in Hollywood. I just can’t wrap my head around these two lists. I’ve never seen a star so two-faced with their talent. One face is a respected thespian that does great work in ensemble dramas and holds his own against acting heavyweights (Ian McKellan, Michael Caine). And the other is a dimwitted buffoon who likes to make poop noises and share the screen with Chris Kattan and Ricki Lake. I watch School Ties, specifically the powerful scene where he stands in the rain waiting for the fight that’s never going to come, and I wonder why he isn’t in The Departed.

I wonder why the best thing going in his career is a two-bit action franchise and a recurring role on Scrubs. I watch him opposite Patrick Dempsey in With Honors and shake my head that PD is a huge TV star now and Brendan is readying a third Mummy movie that Rachel Weisz wants nothing to do with. If only he could stop acting like an idiot half the time, we might get one of our best, and most interesting actors back. Heck, if he stuck to the dramas and stopped inflicting shit like Monkeybone on me, I might even forgive him for ruining Alicia Silverstone’s romantic comedy career.

But then again, if he hadn’t done that, I never would have done extra work on her comeback TV show and gotten to see her up close in a cleavage-revealing ball gown. So I guess I can’t be entirely mad at him.

Bangarang!