Well, I did not see this coming. But maybe it’s just me. The other day I was walking down the street when suddenly I had a panic attack because the whole sky started turning black. Where was the sun going? Then later that night I couldn’t understand why I was so tired at the end of a day. And then my stomach starting hurting, but I’m not sure why I was hungry, after all, I ate once already that day. Why do these things always happen to me? Why do celebrity marriages always end in tragedy? I’m so confused, and scared.

Except, you know, not.

The only surprising piece of news that accompanied the announcement that Britney was finally dropping Kevin on his wife-beatering, bad-rapping, overly virulent sperm-having, lame, dumb-ass was that it took so freaking long to happen. I was astonished it took two years, two poor kids, six tons of Cheetos and stock options in Marlboro Lights for the former pop star hottie to realize she had made a mistake. And how ironic that it was a CD, his to be specific, that turned out to be the final clue that Federline was a heffalump. If we had known his musical “styling” would have led to her immediately dropping her baby weight, finally shampooing her hair, putting on some shoes in public and getting back on the market, I bet America would have taken up a collection plate to pay for some Rick Rubin studio time not six hours after they got back from their honeymoon.

This whole union was, for lack of a better word, inevitable. I would venture that not a soul that follows pop culture would have suspecting these kids would be the next Newman and Woodward. Or even the next Tori Spelling and that first guy she married and then divorced to be with the guy she’s with now who knocked her up and convinced her to bail on Lifetime movies to run a bed and breakfast in NoCal, even though Lifetime residuals were the only thing keeping her from selling her stuff on eBay, and oops, too late (I think his name is Tom, or something). The Spears-Federline dissolution was so inevitable, I had refused to write about it. I’ll make jokes about Reese Witherspoon having talent before I spend brain power and typing time on the thought that this match made in trailer-trash Hostess Heaven would last beyond the release of her next album (which, by the way, is due out early next year). I just didn’t want to waste my time.

Because some things, like Britney filing for divorce from Kevin, are too inevitable, and thus don’t need to be dealt with. They can just sit there, stinking in there inevitability, until inevitably, they explode and all us entertainment humorists can write our bits on how we knew this would inevitably happen and oh yeah, while we’re at it, as expected Federline’s CD sucks balls and no one wants to buy it. This is why I don’t write gossip. It’s just too, say it with me now, inevitable. But what I do write are celebrity insults, and as this is such a prime opportunity to indulge in just that, here is my inevitable list of other things besides Britney divorcing Kevin that were, umm, inevitable (also you suck Federline, just like your crappy “CD”. Good luck trying to sell out the courtyard of whatever dingy Valley apartment complex your lucky enough to pass the credit check for. Zing!)

OTHER THINGS THAT ARE INEVITABLE:

• Keanu saying “whoa” in a movie.

• The Star Wars prequels sucking ass.

• President Bush making an ass out of himself in a news conference.

• Being frustrated by an episode of Lost.

• Die Hard 4

• Paris Hilton admitting she’s stupid.

• Aaron Sorkin writing a patronizing female character.

• Keith Urban relapsing (he is married to an expression-less ice queen, after all).

• Vince Vaughn finding Jennifer Aniston “too clingy”.

• Nick and Jessica

• Jon Heder turning out to be one-dimensional.

• Courtney Love botoxing her way to Crazy-ville.

• Rocky 6

• The cancellation of Joey.

• Kobe Bryant trying the back door.

• Scientology turning Tom Cruise insane.

• Anna Nicole Smith having a baby in the Bahamas, then having her son drop dead a few days later, waiting two months to bury him while in the meantime getting married to her sleazy lawyer and getting pneumonia. I mean, really, who didn’t see that coming?

• A Julian McMahon ass shot on Nip/Tuck.

• Whitney and Bobby

• Paul Walker finding a way to take off his shirt in every movie (even the ones set in Antarctica).

• Jim Carrey movies getting put into turnaround.

• Mischa Barton leaving The O.C.

• Death and Taxes

• Nicole Ritchie getting famous and then immediately vomiting off 50lbs.

• The triumphant return of Ben Affleck (you can’t keep a good ham-fisted actor down).

• Pirates of the Carribean 4 (now with less bland actors!)

• Ashlee Simpson’s nose job.

• Haley Joel Osment becoming a Saturn station wagon-crashing drunk (he did work with Helen Fore-Hunt, after all).

• Snakes on a Plane crapping the bed.

• The complete and total reversal of audience love for Desperate Housewives.

• Eddie Murphy returning to stand-up comedy (this one’s more wish fulfillment, but you gotta think it’s gonna happen some day).

• Britney getting knocked up twice before the age of 25.

• Seeing 2000+ people dressed as Borat on Halloween this year.

• The spectacular box office disappointment of Peter Jackson’s King Kong.

• Lindsay Lohan spending time in the hospital last year “recovering” after she got crack whore skinny.

• Shrek 4

• Peyton Manning tanking in the playoffs.

• Pamela Anderson contracting Hepatitis C (or alternately, Tommy Lee having Hepatitis C).

• Paula Abdul making a pathetic, drunken spectacle of herself on any episode of American Idol.

• The Jay insulting Reese Witherspoon in a post.

Bangarang!

P.S. Reese sucks!

P.P.S.S - The Jay vs. MKdC - It’s the rumble in the sarcastic online humorist jungle!