“Boy was I lucky my anti-aging cream came in time for this premiere. Who would have thought that the same orphans I’m adopting could also be used as pulp for my unholy Immortal Hotness potion.”
“American Airlines announces it’s hiring of the hottest flight attendant EVER. In the event of a plane crash, please hope you are an empath. If so, please touch the flight attendant for safety.”
“The new nose should keep Justin around a few more weeks. Maybe I should schedule a ham flap lift for the Spring. Surfing season is just around the corner…”
“Good god, is that Jennifer Garner? Whose soul did she suck to get hot again? I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again, Ben Affleck is a lucky, lucky man.”
“Oh, you like that smile? You forgot how hot I am when I smile, didn’t you? Never forget how many times you whacked off to my nude scene in Mulholland Falls. NEVER!”
Stay by your devices for instant messaging and internet porn this Thursday at 4pm, be they Mac or PC, as I guest host the live podcast “PopLoad” for NowInLa.com. It’s a pop culture show designed to drop a smelly wet one on the celeb shenanigans of the day. Basically, it’s like reading one of my posts out loud. The show is live, so if you want to ask me a question you can call in or text message. I’ll be premiering some stuff from this Friday’s Year in Film Awards post, and maybe even throwing out some trivia questions to the listeners. It’s gonna be fun.
If you miss the show I’m pretty sure you can download the episode afterwards. For more info on the show, click the banner on the sidebar or go through this LINK.
I went in to the worst video store EVER the other day to rent a few inane, distraction comedies (I needed something on in the background while I wrapped gifts, and wouldn’t you know it, Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson are absolutely perfect to ignore), perused the oddly spaced New Release wall - why was there an entire section set aside for Americn Pie 5, but only four copies of Brick? - and scored my Butterscotch Stallion fix, then braved the absurdly long line. I ignored the inexplicably slow service and sat patiently while the half asleep guy behind the counter ineffectually went about ringing me up. I drove all the way home, laid out the gifts and wrapping paper, went to put in the movie, only to find that the moron behind the counter forgot to take the security locks off of the tapes, so I couldn’t open either box!
So now I’m in a quandary. Do I get dressed and drive all the way back to Blockbuster just to get the locks pulled off, have a credit put on my account, throw some condescension at a minimum wage tape slag and then drive all the way back home, or do I just say screw it and watch TV instead?
Ten minutes later I was at the store.
I tell the guy he made the mistake, and his response? “Ah, my bad! I’m such a dumbass.” At least he owned up to it. I want a credit for the hassle and he tells me I have to ask for the manager. The manager (a hugemongous beyotch of a woman) makes me wait for nearly ten minutes (which wouldn’t be that big a deal, but I’m on crutches these days, so I only have one foot to stand on, and I’ve been putting it to use for the better part of a day), and when she finally deigns to help me she gives the shit eyes. Like I’m putting her out because her CSR is an idiot? In the immortal words of Erin Brockovich, bite my ass, Krispy Kreme! Don’t give me grief because you people suck at your monkey job; I’m not the thirty year-old working the late shift at a Sherman Oaks Blockbuster Video.
I don’t understand why the entire world hasn’t switched to Netflix, yet. Then again, I’m the same guy who’s astounded that the world rejected the Champagne Punch jellybean, so what do I know? However, I do know one thing: the next time I need a fix of inane Butterscotch Stallion jokery I’ll just pop in my well-worn copy of Zoolander on DVD and save myself the trouble (“You is talking loco and I like it!”).
Also…
Dear Blockbuster Video,
I hope Netflix socks you in the face like the crappy corporate suckhole you are.
Dan Marino is nothing if not intense. Just too bad he didn’t bring that same passion to Ace Ventura, or he might have had some Oscar talk. Well, probably not, but it might have helped stop all the Razzie talk.
If you enjoy shuddering at the thought of Chris Berman picking up chicks, today’s your lucky day. Expect “you’re with me, leather” to become a permanent reference here at TheJay.com.
Here’s my Holiday gift to all my wrestling fan readers out there. Here’s the entire match of Hulk Hogan vs. Andre the Giant from the legendary Wrestlemania 3. Enjoy not getting any work done for the next ten minutes.
This piece makes me hardcore pissed that HoopsTV.com folded. That was a sick sports blog, before blogs became the norm.
Birthday wishes go out to Steven Spielberg, my all-time favorite director, who celebrated his 60th birthday on Monday. He may not always make the coolest movies, or even the smartest movies, but his movies are always exceedingly watchable, expertly made and laced with the type of magic seldom seen on-screen. In other words, he makes the best movies.
There isn’t a person in this country who doesn’t love at least one of his flicks, be it Jaws, Raiders, E.T., Jurassic Park, or one of the other twenty-one. His films touch our hearts, excite our minds and dazzle our eyes. He is responsible for millions of kids wanting to be film directors; and the conductor of an even higher number of childhood playtime fantasies. He was my first inspiration as a writer and budding director. And he remains my favorite creator of movie magic. Even when he makes a movie I don’t like ( like The Terminal) I still find great things in it, like the amazing airport set, which I got to walk through when I worked as an extra on the film (which means I might just love it because I’m visible in two shots of the movie).
To honor the bearded great one, here are ten Spielberg movie moments I love:
Two moments stand out for me from Jaws: 1. The entire USS Indianapolis speech (“..thing about a shark. He’s got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll’s eyes…”). 2. When the shark drags the first barrel underwater and Hooper loses him in a chase; I love the quiet moment when Quint stands on the end of the starboard walk ramp, holding his rifle and shaking his head, while the sun sets beautifully around him. It was a look that spoke volumes. We’re gonna need a bigger boat, indeed.
The over the shoulder pull back to reveal the government base at Devil’s Mountain, in Close Encounters. The first use of what is now known as “The Spielberg Shot”. Often imitated, never topped, it is still the best way to do a reveal on film.
The scenes of kids trick-or-treating in E.T. As a boy who grew up in The Valley, watching a movie about a young boy and his alien best friend who lived, essentially, around the corner from me (I used to play in the same park as Elliot), brought me countless fever dreams and daytime pretend adventures. The moon shot is still a stunning image, and easily makes for the best production company logo EVER.
The climax in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, when Indy is hanging off the ledge, desperately trying to reach the grail cup, while Henry tries to pull him to safety. Henry can’t get Indy’s attention, and their grip is starting to falter. Indy’s got mad glory in his eyes, but Henry realizes what’s truly important and gives Indy the lesson our intrepid archeologist has been looking for since we saw him run from the boulder in Raiders.
Henry: Indiana. Indiana, let it go.
That line gets me more than any other moment in the series. A perfect encapsulation of the life these men lead. Man alive, can Spielberg make a movie!
The trailer over the cliff sequence in The Lost World. So well-choreographed and executed, it comes off like a Gene Kelly dance, as interpreted by Wes Craven. I love the look on Julianne Moore’s face when she realizes what’s about to happen. “Oh shit” never looked cooler on a girl.
The epic 20 minute storming the beach scene in Saving Private Ryan, specifically the extended sequences done in silence as Tom, slightly deafened from a blast, takes in the violence happening all around him. Arguably the most realistic depiction of war ever committed to celluloid. And the fact that this film lost to a Gwyneth Paltrow romantic comedy makes me sick at both ends.
The opening credits of Catch Me If You Can, with the Pink Panther-like animation and the John Williams jazz riff. It was a signal that we were not about to see a typical Steven Spielberg fantasy, but instead something far more playful and sophisticated. And it is easily my favorite Spielberg movie of the last ten years.
“Oh, there you are, Peter!”
The spider sequence in Minority Report. The creepy mechanical crawlers search the entire building looking for Tom Cruise’s John Anderton (the last time The Cruiser was effortlessly cool on-screen). They can’t detect Cruise because he’s lying motionless in an ice cold bathtub. The last spider is walking away when Cruise lets one tiny air bubble slip out of his mouth. And the spider hears it. The delicate double take of the CGI creature is so smooth, so graceful as to be almost unnoticeable. But let there be no mistake, it is a sly stroke of genius. And serves as yet another reminder why Spielberg uses CGI better than anyone else on the planet. Michael Bay better learn himself an education by next summer. A BIG FUCKING ROBOTS movie needs all the subtlety it can get.
The first dinosaur reveal in Jurassic Park. Maybe the single best reveal shot of the last half decade. Ellie is going on and on about some indigenous wildlife and Grant turns her head to see what he was looking at and all we see are her eyes go wide. Ellie rises out of the jeep and then BAM, we cut to the most perfectly realized depiction of a prehistoric animal ever put on film. I can still see my Dad shaking in the theater, awestruck by what he was seeing. That’s the type of reaction Spielberg elicits in audiences. He leaves them awestruck; my favorite emotion to have while watching a movie.
And I thank him for giving that to me so many times. Happy Birthday, Sir. We honor you here at TheJay.com. May you continue to create wonder on the silver screen for many more years to come.
For an absolutely fantastic retrospective of Steven Spielberg’s career, CLICK HERE.
Keeping in mind film history and tradition, what was the most important film of the year?
If you say anything other than Rocky Balboa you are lying to yourself.
What else would it be? Pirates 2? In ten years no one will care how many box office records an effete Johnny Depp broke. Casino Royale? We switch Bonds every ten years. No matter how blond, buff, grizzled the new one is or how many kicks to the junk he can absorb (like the coach in Beavis and Butthead), Casino Royale doesn’t warrant that much attention. Borat? The movie itself isn’t nearly as fun as the character, who by the way is starting to wear thinner than my 1987 AYSO windbreaker.
The answer is Rocky Balboa. The final chapter in an illustrious film franchise. The return of a cinema icon. The 30th anniversary of a scrappy boxing movie winning the Oscar for Best Picture (and not to get mushy, but also our hearts). The final shot of glory for one of film history’s most successful screen heroes. Even if the film is terrible, you must admit that Rocky Balboa brings more to the table than any other film released this year.
For this, and for the following reasons, Rocky Balboa should win the Oscar for Best Picture. Now I’ll admit out of the gate, that as of this writing I have not seen the movie. So this is all conjecture. If the film is terrible, this post will look pretty stupid. But I don’t think it will be (and critics seem to agree). I think it’s going to be the perfect final chapter in one of my favorite film franchises of all time. I think it’s going to be a great last shot from one of my favorite actors. And I doubt that I will love any film more this year, than Rocky Balboa.
More reasons why Rocky should win:
The original Rocky won the Oscar for Best Picture. Many critics are saying that Rocky Balboa is a spiritual brother to that first film. That it’s a personal movie, not merely a ramp up to a big fight. If it’s being considered a partner to the original film, and the original film won the Oscar, shouldn’t this film at least get a NOMINATION?
Rocky is an enduring cinematic tradition. And why wouldn’t we honor tradition? The series has been beloved for decades, has entertained millions, brought fathers and sons together, united an ever-broken sports city (Philadelphia), practically invented the formula for the modern day sports movie, and introduced the world to the 2nd most important action hero of the last half decade (the first being Arnold).
We watch the films with friends. We watch them on Independence Day, Thanksgiving and Christmas with our families. We watch the random TNT Sunday marathons from end to end. We listen to the soundtrack to get pumped for the gym, for a meeting, for a big date, or for anything else that requires that extra bit of push only Survivor’s “Eye of the Tiger” can provide - who doesn’t want to shadowbox after seeing a Rocky movie? For all the things the Rocky movies have brought us, doesn’t this new one deserve some awards consideration?
Rocky Balboa is the best active movie icon in cinema. He’s like the Brett Farve of the movies. Sure, he may throw a lot more interceptions than he used to. Sure, the young players may look at him like a dinosaur. Sure his cameo in There’s Something About Mary was more awkward than my last Chrismukkah party. But on any given Sunday, he can make you believe.
Rocky, like Brett, can transport you back in time; to 1985 when you watched him defeat Ivan Drago (”You see? You see? He’s not a machine, he’s a man!”) and single-handedly ended the cold war. To 1982, when you first watched him fight Thunderlips (the ultimate male), and you thought for the first time “Hey, wrestling. That’s cool. I’m gonna go body slam my little brother!” To all the other times you watched the movies over and over again, just to cheer yourself up.
And besides, he’s all we have left of the old movie icons. Arnold has Governatored himself out of the movies, so you can kiss a T4 goodbye. Mel Gibson has sugartitted himself out of any shot at returning to Martin Riggs. Indy 4 is NEVER going to happen. Eddie Murphy hasn’t said “fuck” onscreen in 15 years, so there’s zero interest in seeing him lace up for another Beverly Hills Cop movie. And as for Bruce Willis? Live Free or Die Hard looks like any other mediocre action movie Bruce has put out in the last decade. And any Die Hard where Bruce doesn’t rock the toupee is not a Die Hard I’m interested in. But Rocky is back doing what we love, and he doesn’t look stupid doing it. It actually looks like a movie that respects the traditions of the character we’ve grown to love so much. It actually looks like a movie made for passion, not another paycheck. Hell, it actually looks like a good idea. So why aren’t we celebrating Sylvester for this triumph? He should get the Oscar simply for not screwing it up.
Rocky is an enduring metaphor of America and its values. Not to be jingoistic or overly patriotic, but don’t we want to honor a movie like that in a time like this? Isn’t it important to remember the old American ways of grit, determination, hard work and triumph of the will that Rocky so clearly demonstrates? Wouldn’t Rocky Balboa be the perfect film to unite our country, if only for two hours? The Best Picture winner is, if nothing else, supposed to be the most important movie of the year. I argue that for this country, Rocky Balboa is our most important movie.
Sylvester Stallone wrote, starred in and directed the movie. The Academy loves to see actors multi-task. Here’s a partial list of the movies directed by actors that have won Best Picture: Braveheart, A Beautiful Mind, Million Dollar Baby, Dances With Wolves, Unforgiven, Ordinary People. And another list of films that were nominated for Best Picture: Goodnight And Good Luck, Lost in Translation, Mystic River, In The Bedroom, Life Is Beautiful, Apollo 13, Quiz Show, A Few Good Men, Bugsy, Prince of Tides.
Stallone is an aging star looking for one final send-off. The Academy, like audiences, eats that stuff up. Look at Clint Eastwood. He was a fading star who decided to go behind the camera, made Unforgiven, and the Academy jumped at the chance to honor a man who had entertained them for so long. Why aren’t we looking at Stallone the same way? Sure, Stallone and Eastwood are not the same. Clint has directed many more well-received movies, and appeared in a great many more. But Stallone has entertained us just the same. I can count at least 10 movies of his that are action classics (the first four Rocky’s, the first two Rambo’s, Cliffhanger, Victory, Demolition Man and most important of all, Over the Top). And don’t forget that Stallone wrote all six Rocky’s and directed four of them, and wrote the majority of his action movies. I think we could be seeing the beginning of Stallone’s Eastwood-phase; all the more reason to honor him the same way.
The Rocky franchise is fun. Watching Rocky Balboa is going to be fun. When was the last time you had any fun watching a Best Picture Winner? Crash made me want to punch a homeless guy on the street. Million Dollar Baby was a like a two hour wrist cutting. Return of the King was an exercise in ass torture (and felt much more like something we needed to watch, as opposed to something we actually wanted to). Chicago was…well, Chicago. And A Beautiful Mind may have been more depressing than Schindler’s List, but I wouldn’t know because I hanged myself from the balcony of the Cinerama Dome just to avoid watching the third act. The last time the Academy gave its prize to a movie that was actually “fun to watch” was Gladiator in 2000. And before that, was Braveheart in 1996. That’s two out of the last eleven! We’re due for a crowd pleaser. The last thing the Academy wants is to send the message that only dour films have a shot on the grand prize. The winner this year needs to be an uplifting film. And the Rocky movies are, if nothing else, uplifting.
You can’t watch this trailer, with the incomparable Bill Conti score, the hint of the training montage, Rocky punching the meat, running up the steps and stepping into the ring, and not be excited. To not feel pumped up and ready to go? It’s just not possible.
Seriously, what else is out there that is really worth getting behind? Best Picture winners have a passionate support group behind them. I’m not sure there’s a single movie in contention that everyone uniformly loves, or has any real, undying passion towards. Let’s go through the list:
Babel: Too muddled, too international, too much of a love/hate movie.
Bobby: Directed by Emilio Estevez? Please…
The Departed: Too violent and not nearly as good as Scorsese’s past work (which it is unfortunately being compared to). Marty will finally get his Best Director Oscar, and that will be the film’s prize.
Dreamgirls: Does anyone really want this film to win? If it does, in five years, won’t we all look at the film the way we do Chicago and not remember a single standout thing about it? And there’s also way too much in-fighting going on between the cast. The Academy does not see kindly to that.
Letters From Iwo Jima: Suffers from the baggage of Eastwood’s failed Flags of Our Fathers.
Little Miss Sunshine: The reviews and the box office are the prize for this indie darling.
Pursuit of Happyness: Not even the absurdly likeable Will Smith can drag this schmaltzfest to Oscar glory.
The Queen: A remarkable film, but when was the last time a “British” movie won the Oscar? I’ll save you the time. It was Chariots of Fire in 1981 (which is considered one of the lowest-quality winners of all time).
United 93: Impersonal, not spectacular enough, and trades too much on the inherent emotions of the material.
World Trade Center: We’re all glad Oliver Stone calmed down, but there isn’t a chance in hell the Academy gives the Oscar to a member of the 1st bunch of 9/11 flicks, especially one directed by Stone. A 9/11 film will win the award one day, but not for another ten or fifteen years.
So really, how inconceivable is it that Rocky deserves to AT LEAST stand alongside four of these movies? If the film is good, which a lot of critics are starting to say it is, and audiences fall in love they way they have with the character before, then the film should absolutely be considered for the Oscar. Secretly, if you were watching the Oscars, and saw Rocky Balboa up there with four other movies, wouldn’t you be secretly rooting for it to win? Wouldn’t that be kind of cool? Wouldn’t you rather see a crowd-pleasing movie like Rocky Balboa win, than a Babel? Or a Dreamgirls. I know I would.
Think about how great it would be to see Stallone up there accepting the Oscar for Best Picture. To see his determination to make this movie rewarded. To hear him say stuff like: “This is the greatest moment in my entire career. I’ll cherish this honor. Thank you for supporting me and supporting Rocky for all these years. It means the world to me.” While he tries not to cry? You’re telling me you wouldn’t want to see that? I don’t know about you, but I watch the Oscars for the moments. And the chance to see a moment like that is too great to pass up.
But in reality, the film doesn’t stand a chance. I know that. Academy voters would never seriously consider nominating a sequel to a franchise that has degraded in quality to such a degree (i.e. Rocky V), let alone a fifth sequel.
But they’re kidding themselves.
Imagine you’re an Academy voter. You come home from a long day at the office, and a pile of Academy screeners are waiting for you. You decide to watch one, so you start skimming through them. Here’s what I’m guessing you’d be thinking: “Ok, let’s see, gotta a multi-story drama about isolation, disappointment and Cate Blanchett dying on the floor of an Indian village. Pass. Got a musical starring Jamie Foxx and Beyonce. What else? A two-hour tour inside the minds of the British royal family. No thank you. Whoa, wait, Rocky Balboa? Really? Sweet!! I am SO watching that!”
And you know that’s exactly what would happen. You’d put it in and two hours later you’d be smiling ear to ear and rooting for Rocky to pull it out one last time. And then you’d take out your ballot and vote for Babel, because you suck, and you don’t want to be the guy who voted for Rocky 6.
And that’s just not fair.
If people like the movie, if critics like the movie, if it does well at the box office, why wouldn’t it be thought of as one of the best films of the year? It’s ROCKY for god sakes! Show some respect. I am going to be there on opening day. I’m gonna cheer on Stallone and his last shot at glory. I’m gonna be proud to like the movie. And I will defend its merits till my they pry the bandwith from my cold, dead hands.
Rocky Balboa should win the Oscar for Best Picture. And I defy you to prove me wrong.
THINGS THAT NICOLE RITCHIE COULD HAVE DONE THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN WORSE THAN DRIVING STONED, AND THE WRONG WAY, ON THE 134
Backing into a police car while freebasing, with one hand tied behind her back.
Drop a female deuce in the community pool and then blame it on the Snickers bar she eat at lunch and threw up ten minutes after lunch.
Convert to Scientology.
Drive Lindsay to her AA meeting, then stand inside the doorway and shotgun Kettle One martini’s while yelling out “Hilary Duff Rules!” when La Lohan’s up to the mike.
Join the Celebrivag Flash Club. No one wants to see what a little boy’s skeleton looks like spread eagle and beaver-free.
Do a comedy routine, get heckled and call the crowd a bunch of Kramer’s.
I’ve been graciously asked to drop some light on a project being cooked up to help support Freedom Writers, the noble-minded new Hilary Swank Teaches Inner City Kids flick (with a seriously eyeroll-inducing title), and since you all know how charitable I can be (after all, I did write a post titled “50 Reasons Why I Like Renee Zellweger“), here’s my movie mitzvah of the week.
“In honor of the film Freedom Writers, a YouTube group called “Be Heard” has been created, featuring brief clips of actors from the film talking about issues affecting youth/teens, such as peer pressure, personal inspiration, motivation, ethics, oppression, morals, tolerance, racism, youth, anti-violence and more. There are also a number of discussions going on within this group around these topics.”
For more information about Freedom Writers, you can go to their official site HERE or their imdb page, HERE.
And to check out the “Be Heard” group on YouTube, please go HERE.
Here’s the trailer:
OK, now that my obligation is out of the way, let me point out that the movie is being released on January 5th, which means two things: 1. Paramount decided not to release it the last week of the year and thereby giving Hilary some potential Oscar consideration, which I have to assume means she’s not that good in it, and 2. January is the dumping ground for shite studio flicks. They release their dogs in the beginning of the year so they can loss lead their books. January crap stays on the 2006 books and doesn’t taint a potentially successful 2007. It’s always better to sneak a turd onto the tail end of a positive ship, where no one will pay it any mind, then to paint it on the bow of a ship’s maiden voyage. This is why Disney made Jerry Bruckheimer tag the month last year with his sports movie wankjob toss off (Glory Road), so it wouldn’t affect the Pirates of the Caribbean stock bump.
A few more salient facts:
Hilary Swank, though technically a fine actor, has never made a movie she couldn’t maudlin her way through. And if an in-her-prime Michelle Pfeiffer couldn’t get my git up about inner city kids achieving despite adversity, than Steve Sanders’ ex doesn’t stand a chance.
She has actual chiclets for teeth. I’m told Julia Roberts is considering suing her for trademark infringement.
Steve Sanders kicked her to the curb. Steve Sanders! This can’t be ignored.
Had starred in only one watchable movie in four years (The Core).
Paul Haggis is a hack. That really doesn’t relate to the merits or talents of Hilary, but I thought it was worth mentioning.
Did you know that every boxer who has ever appeared in a major motion picture has immediately lost their respective title? Muhammad Ali starred in The Greatest in 1977 and lost his title to Leon Spinks a year later. Tommy Morrison lost his title right after starring in Rocky 5: The One That NEVER Happened. Lennox Lewis lost his title less than a year after cameoing in Ocean’s Eleven. And Antonio Tarver, Stallone’s nemesis enforcer in Rocky Balboa, lost his Middleweight title just a few months ago. Eerie, isn’t it? If I were Oscar De La Hoya I’d turn my ringer off.
If you already voted for TheJay.com once for Best Culture Blog at the 2006 Weblog Awards, you can vote again. Once a day in fact, until Friday December 15th. So what are you waiting for? You like my jokes, so show The Jay some voter love.
Chuck Norris turned down the part of Sensei John Kreese in The Karate Kid. Apparently, he doesn’t approve of sweeping the leg, or putting whiny kids from Reseda into a bodybag.
Also, in regards to Sir Norris, researchers recently discovered the original draft of the Declaration of Independence. It said “Dear King George - Fuck you, we’re leaving. Signed, Chuck Norris.”
I don’t like Fish. The meal, band or species (though I’ll make an exception for Swedish Fish. Sweet, gummy, kick ass Swedish Fish). Just thought you might want to know.
This is how you make a movie poster. I may not see the movie, but I would definitely put this on my wall (which should be the only rule in deciding if a movie poster is good or not).
There has never been a dragon-centered movie that has ever grossed more than $50 million at the box office. Trust me, I looked it up. So why would the makers behind this flick think that just because the book did well, they could override years and years of silver screen dragon ambivalence? If the dulcet tones of Sean Connery couldn’t put ass to seat, then the random blonde-haired Abercrombie model they picked up riding the SAG Financial Core isn’t gonna pull it off. And if you think putting Jeremy Irons in your picture will class the joint up, I’d like to introduce you to Exhibit A: Dungeons & Dragons; yet another dragon movie that was based on a successful source material and ended up a back alley movie abortion. Do yourself a favor, skip the flick, read the book and remember that reading is fundamental.
The more you know…
While we’re on the subject, I was researching the whole dragons suck at the box office phenomenon and found that Dragonheart is the highest grossing flick of the bunch. This surprises me because it stars Dennis Quaid. Long the poor man’s Kurt Russell, The Quaid has never been able to open a movie at the box office, even the blockbusters that were gift-wrapped for him. His Jaws sequel, while kitschy fun (“Overman was killed inside the park. The baby was caught inside the park. It’s mother is inside the park.”), was the lowest grossing Jaws of the bunch, up until Michael Caine realized he had a car payment coming up and poof, Jaws 4: The Revenge. His obligatory disaster movie, The Day After Tomorrow, did very well, but was hardly memorable. In fact, the only thing I really remember about it was Jake Gyllenhaal getting chased by crappy CGI wolves and the recycled ID4 shot of a decimated Statue of Liberty (it’s not a rip off if it’s by the same director. The lesson as always: Roland Emmerich = Creative Genius). He couldn’t open his Cheaper By The Dozen rip off (Yours, Mine and Ours), his Topher Grace breakout dramedy (In Good Company), his classy historical epic (The Alamo), or even his lay-up Hugh Grant comedy (American Dreamz). His only hits were because of someone or something else. The Parent Trap was Lindsay Lohan’s vehicle, Traffic was Soderbergh’s masterpiece, The Rookie was a generic sports hero wankjob, Any Given Sunday was an Al Pacino yells a lot flick, directed by Oliver Stone, and Frequency was a modest hit because he co-starred with Jesus. And yet he continues to get cast in big budget movies.
I get that he’s a name, and I do think he’s a good actor (in fact, I loves me The Quaid), but the fact remains, if you want to open at number one, you’ve got the wrong guy. If you need your movie to gross more than $45 million, you don’t want to be in the Dennis Quaid business.
I think every name actor has their own specific box office ceiling. One or more movies may break the ceiling, but in general, their movies will average whatever their ceiling may be. Dennis Quaid is a $45 millioner. When you make a picture with The Quaid, you’re guaranteed a Dennis Quaid 45. And that’s not too bad. He’s a lot higher than some other stars (like Kevin Costner, Matthew Broderick, or Luke Wilson, to name a few). But studios should bare the numbers in mind when considering who to cast in a big money picture. For example, if you’re making a Dennis Quaid 45, don’t spend more than $60 million, otherwise you’re gonna lose your shirt. If you’ve decided to be in the Hilary Duff business, beware of falling stock prices. That’s a free lesson for all you producers out there. You’re welcome.
Here’s a partial list of some other Box Office Star Ceilings.
If I didn’t already think Kate Winslet was awesome, this clip of her on Ricky Gervais’ show Extras would have put her over the top. Side note: who would have thought that all I needed to get into British Television was Kate Winslet musing about rubbing an Oscar on her fanny. Now why didn’t Monty Python think of that?
If there’s any truth to Ben Stiller making a Zoolander 2, let me go on record as saying that will be freakin’ sweet. And will go a long way to making me forgive Stiller for making Along Came Polly, Meet The Fockers and Envy. But Ben, a word to the wise, if you do make the sequel remember: “Moisture is the essence of wetness, and wetness is the essence of beauty.” That’s a lesson many sequels would do well to learn.
The hoax in this clip is not Pauly Shore getting punched in the face (which looked more fake that a Direct-to-Video Seagal flick). The hoax is that the audience is laughing at anything coming out of Pauly Shore’s grody mouth. Seriously, he’s the biggest shit tease in the business. If you’re Pauly Shore (which means you suck), you’re not allowed to make a movie called “Pauly Shore Is Dead” and then not actually kill yourself at the end of it. That’s just getting our hopes up for nothing.
Matt Damon is working overtime to make me ignore the fact that he looks like a pig-nosed frat boy, and isn’t nearly as fun to watch has his former hetero life mate, Ben Affleck. And I’ll tell you, I’m starting to turn the corner.
This article is a fascinating look into what could become the new office time clock of the future. I admire Best Buy’s attempts to blend work life and home life, but have zero confidence they could ever port this idea to their retail stores. Have the Best Buy brass ever actually been to one of their stores? Their employees are about as helpful as a blind man in a garden maze, and about as reliable as asking Nicole Ritchie to drive you to the airport. But still, I’m intrigued how other corporations might embrace this radical idea. (http://biz.yahoo.com/special/allbiz120606_article1.html)
The Lady and I peeped the KT Tunstall concert at the Key Club last Thursday, and it was totally tuttle*. We were fifteen feet from her, and next to one of the speakers, so when she hit the high chords on Miniature Disasters it was like being in the most awesome vibrating bed ever. The opening act got canceled, which was great because I hate going to see a singer I love, but being forced to sit through some dipwad in a pony tale Gavin De Graw-ing his way through a 30 minute set just for the privilege. The show was supposed to start at 8pm, and at 8:10 KT walked on stage, went right into Another Place To Fall, and continued to play for a solid 70 minutes.
She played all the hits off of Eye To The Telescope, my favorite songs off of her new record, Acoustic Extravaganza, and gave us some great inside dirt. Apparently, Other Side of the World is her answer to people who think long distance relationships are a good idea (as in: they’re wrong, which is true). Universe & You is a great song to slip the tongue to. And Black Horse, Cherry Tree is in her words “What it takes to stand next to Christina and Sheryl Crow”. Not exactly sure it takes that much to peer yourself with Xtina, but I respect her for giving respect.
She even did a bunch of the patented Dana Carvey rock concert tricks. She did the “lean back and look into the wings” move. She rocked the “head-to-head guitar playing with her bassist” move. She even did the random audience incorporated clapping. And in a most charming endeavor, she forgot the words to both Black Horse and Suddenly I See (which she closed with) midway through each song, and yet still pulled the mistake off with panache, and kept playing. Female musicians always look great when they’re sheepish. It’s a fact.
If Fiona Apple wasn’t worried before about losing her slot as my favorite female vocalist, then she’s completely out of luck now, because she’s been passed over. KT Tunstall is the goods. I will never miss a KT Tunstall show in Los Angeles ever again, or not buy one of her CD’s. She’s that good.
Here’s a little video education on the Level 5 rock factor of KT Tunstall:
Bangarang!
Tuttle is a reference to the 2001 movie The Others. Tuttle was the name of the dead gardener who never batted an eye to anything that happened in the movie. He was so chill, so unflappable, so ready to roll his eyes at Nicole Kidman, that when my boy Tim and I saw the flick we were awed by his utter awesomeness. For years after, whenever something was a measure beyond “cool”, we dubbed it “tuttle”. And the KT show was totally tuttle. Thus endeth the lesson.
Nearly two years ago to the day, I was sitting with my group of friends, having just watched the “fall finale” of Lost, then a freshman sci-fi drama we’d all gotten hooked on. Jack, self-righteous beyond all repair, and newcomer hottie Kate (who at the time still looked like a trashier Kate Beckinsale, not that there’s anything wrong with that) had just magically brought Dominic Monaghan’s character back to life, a move I strenuously objected to. To make matters worse, Locke (before he went button crazy and lame) and soon-to-be-dead Boone had just stumbled upon the infamous hatch. While my friends were wowed by the twist and mused on what may lay inside, I remember turning to them and saying “Man, this show just went off its rails”.
And I was right.
By the end of the season, everyone, Locke especially, had gone hatch crazy, a plot device that essentially flipped off the original concept of the show and nearly caused a mass ABC exodus of Lost-devotees after we were forced to wait till the next season just to see what was inside the damn thing (oh look, an Irishman with his own condo… um, ok?). All those things that had originally gotten me interested in the show: how the group would survive, when are they gonna violently kill off the hobbit, what the deal was with the mysterious metal smoke monster, and of course, the um, prominent display of Evangeline Lilly’s assorted naughty bits, were dropped in favor of Locke’s show-crippling hatch-capades. The metal monster was neglected, the polar bear that randomly attacked them was forgotten, nobody seemed to be sharing crucial information, and the stench of hero worship on Jack was threatening to overpower a small country.
Since I vehemently disagreed with the change and now find myself increasingly hateful towards a show I once threw a party each week to watch, I found myself open to the possibility this fall of finding a new show to slavishly devote all my TV geek energy to.
And lo and behold, I found one on Monday nights.
When the pitch on Heroes first crossed media lines, the buzz was unkind. It was immediately deemed a Lost rip off, which at the time seemed spot on. The two shows have a lot more in common than you might suspect.
They both have:
A plot revolving around a group of strangers coming together to figure out how to cope with their new situation in life.
A one-named title with a double meaning
A multi-racial, multi-ethnic cast of beautiful people.
A slew of the same type of characters: self-righteous male lead, mysterious older white guy that has all the answers, resident slamming hottie, seemingly unnecessary blonde bombshell, middle eastern guy with emotional baggage, Asian couple with translation problems, kid with special powers and a bad dad, long-haired bearded rebels and of course, an all-important set of numbers.
I went to the broadcast upfronts back in May and saw the extended preview NBC put together. I was impressed by the production value and the scope of the pilot, but was convinced there was no way the show could continue at such a high level for an entire season. I dug the girl from Remember the Titans Groundhog Day-ing herself off a bridge. I was amused by the tiny Asian guy who could jump through time. And I was thoroughly thrilled to see Ali Larter returning to her scantily-clad hottie days. As a whole I was pleased to find the early negative buzz had been premature and was intrigued to see what the show would look like when it premiered in the fall.
So I tuned in and was… fine with it. I wasn’t amazed, but I didn’t hate it. They shot their load in the previews with the flying Gilmore Guy money shot; aside from the extremely welcome re-introduction to Ali Larter’s gyrating backside, nothing about the pilot wowed me the way the extended plane crash scene did in Lost (a sequence whose sheer kickassness that series has never been able to replicate). But little by little the show started growing on me. It was a neat twist to find out it wasn’t Gilmore Guy/Peter Petrelli that could fly, but actually his magnificent bastard of a brother, Nathan. Hiro, the aforementioned amusing Asian guy, was a breath of fresh stereotypical TV character air. For a landscape that had seen its fair share navel-gazing comic heroes (Angel!), Hiro’s super-excited take on his new-found powers was fantastic. Claire, the indestructible cheerleader, was a nice cross between real teenager and post-Mean Girls fictional teen. And then a little ways into the first act of episode five, a moment happened on the show that made me fall completely Cruise-on-the-couch in love.
Nathan Petrelli flew.
He didn’t just fall of a building and figure out his power. He stood with his feet on the ground and out of nowhere, SCREAMED into the sky! And then a second later there was a sonic boom and Nathan had taken off, leaving a ring of smoke in his wake. It was literally the most awesome thing I had seen on a network show since Jack started racing through the wreckage in the Lost pilot. From that point on I was hooked.
However, once burned twice learned, so I’m a little hesitant to drop-kick Lost to the curb after having followed it for two and a half seasons, only to find myself let down by a “the cheerleader is safe, now what” Heroes. So I’m gonna break down the two shows, sticking as much as possible to just the first season of Lost (for fairness sake), to see if Heroes really has what it takes to be the premiere science fiction drama on TV, and my TV geek salvation.
Better Central Concept
On Lost, no matter what happens with The Others, or the hatch, or the metal smoke monster, the central premise of the show is always going to be “How do we get off this island?” A lot of people think the point is to figure out the purpose of the island, but that’s naïve, because the intention of the characters is merely to stay alive long enough to be rescued. They may focus their attention on other things (like wooing pregnant Australian girls, saying “dude” a lot, and pushing goddamn hatch buttons), or on their immediate situation, but the long-term goal is to be rescued. That makes the show decidedly closed-ended. There’s no such limitation on Heroes. Their central concept is fluid and adaptable. How do these people cope with their newfound powers, what to they do with them, what does it mean that they have them while others don’t, what forces may align to try and hurt them because of their powers? These are concepts that can applied towards just about any plotline. And since they aren’t bound by the limits of an island, the characters can literally go anywhere. I’m gonna take the show whose endpoint is juicily uncertain to the show whose endpoint is mostly predetermined (and inevitably frustrating).
Least Annoyingly Self-righteous Male Lead with a Background in Medicine and Emotionally Unavailable Fathers
If Dawson Leery were a doctor, his name would have been Dr. Jack Shepherd. Jack’s righteousness is so profound that even the tertiary characters started commenting on it. Everything in the first season was “Where’s Jack?” “I need Jack” “Jack will know what to do?” “Jack is smelly!” Ok, I added that last one, but you take my point. Jack is selfish, pig-headed, emotionally crippled by self-doubt, and seriously, kind of an ass (even to Kate). And while Peter can sometimes grate with his “I must save the Cheerleader, I can fly, I’m special” blabbity blabbity importantcakes, at least he’s a nice guy. He welcomes group interaction, he actually cares for the people he gives care to, and seems to generally like his bastard of a brother. He’d have to maim Claire, spit in Hiro’s face and take a crap on one of Isaac’s future paintings before he even begins to reach the levels of assholishness that Jack reaches week to week.
This isn’t a tough one, as the winner is clearly Evangeline Lilly. No disrespect to Claire, who is not only an awesomely pre-approved hottie, can work a cheerleader outfit like nobody’s business, and can repair her own gaping chest cavity, but she is, after all, still jailbait. As much as I joke about fronting Hermione, I do still like to keep it on the legal tip. So until Hayden Panettiere (Claire) becomes legal, Evangeline’s wonderfully dewy lips tragically deflate or the metal smoke monster chews her up like a Swedish fish, I’m going with the legal hottie. But trust me, all things being equal, this would have been close.
People forget now because he’s become such a nag, but when Lost first aired, Locke was a top notch bad ass. He threw knives around, hunted boar, took on the metal smoke monster and lived, and had a secret that turned out to be the best episode of the season (where we found out he used to be in a wheelchair). He was my favorite character on the show. But a season of hatch worshipping and button pushing effectively neutered him, and now I doubt it would be believable seeing him wield any weapon, least of all the Rambo-like one he used to sport. H.R.G. (otherwise known as Claire’s overly-touchy Father) is very similar to first season Locke. We don’t really know his intentions, as he seems to do both good things and bad, but he knows more than us, and he doesn’t hesitate to get messy should the situation call for it (like shooting up a detoxing Isaac to save his daughter). I dig him a lot. Even more so now that it appears he may have some sort of power-dampening ability. But in the end Locke is the cooler cat, because while HRG needs the silent Haitian guy to do his dirty work, Locke only has his magical working legs and a big ass knife.
In the first 45 days of being on the island, Sawyer survived the following things: the plane crash, a Sayid torture session, several beatings, a bullet to his shoulder, a boat exploding next to him, more beatings, Kate’s level five cock teasing, more shots to his face, probably some wicked beard itch and finally Jack’s holier-than-thou attitude. And despite the varied traumas, he still had the sense to trick Kate into a hot snog, steal all the plane supplies and barter them for his own benefit, and dole out nicknames like “Freckles”, “Mr. Clean” and “Captain Falafel”. Wake me up when Isaac does anything more than pine away for drugs and paint cartoon bombs on his oh so perfectly art-directed loft floor.
Sylar likes to open people’s skulls and dissect and/or eat their brains. Henry Gale/Ben likes to fuck with Jack. Man alive, this is a tough one. We know just about the same amount of info for each guy, give or take. We’ve seen them both be equally evil, creepy and clever. I really want to root for the guy who tortures Jack and was indirectly responsible for Ana-Lucia’s death, but the Others are a major source of Lost-frustration for me. And Sylar looks just a touch too much like Clark Kent for my tastes. I don’t know… I think they both kinda rock.
As much as I like Hiro, I must admit that his “I no speaka any engrish” has gotten pretty tired. He vacillates between speaking full, understandable sentences and muttering phrases that would have made Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany’s embarrassed. The show better decide how much English he can actually speak, and right quick. He’ll still be just as cute yelling “Yatta!” if he follows it up with a pronoun or two. Meanwhile, I have to praise Abrams and Lindelof for having two Korean characters, one of which speaks not a world of English. Their first flashback episode was the first time I could remember a major network drama spending so much time telling a story about two Asians characters, who didn’t end up as the defendants on a Law & Order, or were played by David Carradine. That’s pop culture progress I can respect.
Lost has “4 8 15 16 23 42”, a set of numbers I could care less about, despite how powerful Hurley, Locke or Damon Lindelof would like me to believe they are. On the other hand, Heroes has “8/21/07” the date of Hayden Panettiere’s 18th birthday, which is a set of numbers I’m sure we can all agree are far more exciting.
Let’s get this out of the way: Mohinder is boring. He’s probably the weakest part of the show. On the other hand, he might be the first Indian character on TV not working a cab or rocking a Quickie Mart register, in the last decade. And the fact that he doesn’t do these things is cause for praise. But still, the boring. Now the same can not be said about Sayid, the former Iraqi National Guardsman who fashions himself the island torturer. He fixes radios, hunts down crazy French woman and woos hottie towheads. And yet, for reasons that have yet to be explained in three seasons, the extent of his back story boils down to “Iraq, Torture, Iraq, Caroline in the City and Iraq”. Ok, not so much with the Lea Thompson cartoonist vehicle, but you take my point. I can’t get around the fact that while Moyawnder is a highly educated Professor with a multi-layered work, family and life back story, Sayid can’t get passed how much sticking knives in Sawyer’s fingernails makes him hard up for his dysfunctional homeland. Can we get the man an order of daddy issues?
I’m reaching into the second season here, but I like the exception because it means I can talk about how awesome both Mr. Eko and The Haitian (a.k.a. Mindblower) are on their respective shows. While other characters are blowharding their way to my anti-heart, these two guys are playing it cool, calm and collected. When we first meet Eko he’s deep into a self-imposed 40-day silence, a welcome change to the jaw-flapping Michelle Rodriguez was inflicting upon us. And The Haitian’s had only one line in the first eleven episodes, despite quietly climbing the charts as one of the most important characters on the show. But man, what a line! His one sentence, said to Claire, propelled the show straight into the spring, a teaser far more interesting than “Are you on the list?” Put these two in head-to-head competition, I’d have to take The Haitian and his mindblower powers, but Eko and his Jesus stick would put up a hard fight. However, for their awesome silent contributions in the face of blubbery, overacting co-stars, I salute them equally.
Better Young Black Kid With Special Powers and Bad Dad’s
The title pretty much says it all. The boys line up pretty square, with each excelling at certain things (Micah being a better technical actor, and Walt rocking the emotions), but neither doing so at such a high level as knock the other out. So in a case like this I must defer to the hate, as in which kid has done something to make me hate their respective show. And Walt did the worst thing of all, he got himself kidnapped, which lead to an interminable plotline where his bad Dad Michael spent an entire season yelling “WALT!!!!!!!!!11!!!” until the audience’s collective ears bled. Yeah, Mike, I get you want your boy back, but Abrams sent the kid away until May sweeps, so can you please turn your radio down? Thanks!
Better Audience Desirability a.k.a. Which show would you rather be a character on?
If you were a character on Lost you’d get the benefit of spending some quality time with Kate, but suffer the downside of watching her mack down on the two assiest guys on the island. You also stuck on an island with no real food, water or hygiene products, and have a better than average chance of getting mauled by the metal smoke monster should you need to hit the jungle for a mid-morning deuce. Suddenly, Evangeline Lilly ain’t looking so good. But if you’re a character on Heroes, you get to have a freaking superpower! Sure, Sylar might come after you to cut your skull open and eat your brain, but did I mention you have a freaking superpower? You could walk through walls, or fly, or have extendo-junk, or be invisible, or have the power to immobilize and silence people who talk during movies (the one I’d want). I think it’s worth the risk.
Better Blonde Femme Fatale / Least Useless Eye Candy
Heroes made a clever change three episodes into their run; they had Ali Larter keep her clothes on. Up until that point I had assumed her role on the show was as a pure skin show, akin to the role Shannon used to play on Lost (before they killed her and replaced her with Cynthia Watros, who may be a fine actress, but is not nearly as qualified in the ways of sweater puppetry). But once she pulled a “Cerrado” on her online stripper ways, she turned into the de facto femme fatale of the show. Alternating between her submissive Niki and her (far more awesome) Angelus-like alter ego Jessica, Larter spends her time either throwing her husband into walls, ripping gamblers apart or bedding Adrian Pasdar. I’m not sure yet what her role is on the show, but I’m intrigued to find out. As for Shannon, well, she may not have served much purpose, but she sure looked good in a bikini.
Hurley’s got “Dude”, Hiro’s got “Yatta”. One is a word that many movies and characters have used in far more funny and quotable ways (Hell, Keanu’s practically made it an art form). And the other is a new piece of slang that’s barely scratched the surface of its potential awesomeness. You can use it during sex, at the moment you splooge (Yatta, orgasm!). You can use it when you score the digits of a fine-looking 310 fox (Yatta, digits!). You can use it when you unexpectedly find money in the back pocket of your jeans (Yatta, cash!). Hell, you could use it when ordering waffles, just like Hiro. We are on the forefront of a new era in one word lingo, and Heroes is leading the charge.
This is a sham category because there’s no way any character on Heroes could ever conceive of the hope to dream to be as annoying as Charlie. Loud, nagging, weak, obnoxious, lame, exasperating, feckless, grody, and unfunny, Charlie is easily the least helpful, least likeable and least interesting characters in the never-ending Lost ensemble. His only contribution to the show has been his pilot teaser line “Guys, where are we?”. I hated him in LotR, and I can’t stand him on the show; every time I have to sit through another of his “Woe is me, I need me drugs, my band was a one-hit non-wonder” episodes, I wanna commit suicide by lethal Scientology purification. Seriously, go away and DIE, Charlie!
Here’s a partial list of the day one answers we are still yet to receive on Lost:
What is the metal smoke monster?
Who controls the metal smoke monster?
Why have no planes ever flown over the island?
How is Locke able to use his legs on the island?
How did Sawyer’s hair magically grow seven inches over the course of 45 days?
Who are they really, what are the true intentions of the Others? (It can’t seriously be to have Jack remove Ben’s spinal tumor. All the killing and kidnapping and violence for a procedure Jack would have volunteered to do if it made him 1/800th more like a hero? Seriously, lame.)
Meanwhile, over on “AnswerFest 2006” aka Heroes, we’ve already found out each main character’s power (to the exclusion of Ali Larter, mostly) and seen each hero use their power, we are starting to learn how the Heroes found out about their powers, we know who the villain is and what his agenda entails, and we’ve already seen the show cycle through one major plotline (plus on this show we get, like, 117% fewer red herrings). Further, when Lost answers questions, it answers them with even more frustrating questions. When Heroes answers questions with questions, the questions themselves are inevitably cooler (i.e. How does Sylar get other people’s powers? He opens their heads. But what does he do then? Does he go Hannibal Lecter on them, or does he put their brains under the microscope and break ‘em down? Who knows, but either way, it’s awesome.).
That’s called audience satisfaction, Lost. Take a memo.
So you probably noticed the new head bar. You like? I thought it was time to give the site a facelift; one that would help initiate new readers into what TheJay.com really is: mainly making fun of celebrities. While the sunset pic was nice, it doesn’t exactly scream “Reese Witherspoon has a squirrel chin!” which is what I want this site to convey.
Another change to the site is the posting schedule. I realize that my productivity has dropped since the summer (where I was banging out posts like La Lohan crashes Range Rovers). I get that you all don’t exactly know when to expect new content, and as such, probably get frustrated every time you load the site and still see Britney Spears’s ragged carpet burns. It bothers me that I haven’t had the time to write two great columns per week. And it’s been frustrating not having an outlet to comment on the many things that are happening in Hollywood in any given week. So here’s what I’m going to try and do: on Wednesday’s I will post “Things Overheard”, a new column designed to highlight the topics on my mind and in the news. And on Fridays I will post a traditional 2500 word column. So you get double the posts, I get to write about more things, I get to make fun of more stuff, and everyone has a date and reason for coming back to the site.
DISCLAIMER: Barring any unforeseen catastrophe (like my turning into radioactive Peter Petrelli and kablooey-ing downtown LA; which might not be all bad if it means Hayden Panettiere running toward me in her cheerleading outfit), or me just being lazy and spending some quality time with my three chicks (The Lady, the TiVo and the Netflix), I will stick to the schedule. But don’t hold me to it, because let’s not forget this really important fact: I’m lazy. Ok, so now that I’ve covered my lazy ass in the event of inevitable procrastination, let’s say a prayer and jump into a new era of TheJay.com. The Actual Content in Normal Intervals Era.
We’re gonna start off simple to get everyone used to the schedule, so…
Things On My Mind Right Now
I had my first TiVo crisis the other day. I have a dual tuner, which means I can record two shows at the same time. And there are several times a week that I put this feature to use (most notably Tuesday’s at 9 p.m. where I record House and Veronica Mars). Unfortunately, I’m now watching three shows on Thursday’s at 9 p.m., so the quandary is which show gets the axe. I have to TiVo Grey’s Anatomy or The Lady will make a woman out of me. Scrubs has been my favorite sitcom for six seasons. And lo and behold, despite two seasons of utter mediocrity (at a generous best) and my desperate attempt to not get sucked back into its surface charms (and by surface charms, I mean Rachel Bilson), I am now watching The O.C. again. Three shows, two slots, what’s a TiVo user to do? So I was trying to coordinate which show to drop if it’s a repeat, which show is better to bloop bloop through as opposed to watching straight through; my pop culture consuming brain was on overload. And then The Lady said “Why don’t you just tape the other show on your VCR?” And it took me a second to figure out what she meant. The VCR? Tape a show? … good God, that’s crazy enough to work! I’m amazed at how far we’ve come as a techno-society to the point where I forgot what a VCR is capable of. Either that, or I’m an idiot. It’s really a toss up.
And btw, if you’re not watching The O.C. (and I completely understand if you’re not as the show was man ass for two years) then you’re missing out. Now that they finally kicked off the cancer that was Mischa Barton, the show is firing on all cheesy cylinders. Autumn Reeser is a gigantic Best Week Ever-like upgrade (addition by subtraction like a mutha fucka), Bilson is still more adorable than a litter of puppies wrasslin’ a gang of baby pandas, Peter Gallagher’s eyebrows have gotten so big they threaten to require their own SAG card, and Julie Cooper is back to doing what she knows best, namely banging young guys and pissing off her bratty daughter. So I’m calling a Rocky 5-style mulligan on seasons 2 and 3, and for the sake of my mental health, believing Mischa died in a bloody bloody car crash at the end of season 1, and it just took everyone two years to get over their shit, turn their radios down and start being gloriously trashy again. Welcome back to the O.C., bitch!
You can fool me all you want with your kick ass lenticular poster, Ghost Rider movie. You’re still not getting me to believe Captain Correlli as a bad ass superhero, no matter how many Michael Bay fireballs he slo-mo’s away from or planes full of kooky criminals he brings down (even though he gets shot in the arm and doesn’t react to it and has worse hair than the THH). For god sakes, he couldn’t even front Sarah Jessica Parker in that Vegas movie, so why would I ever buy him as a motorcycle riding, head-on-fire, hell blazing vigilante?
If you haven’t gone out and bought these new DVD’s yet, you’re just wasting my time.
Dreamgirls will not win Best Picture. It’s not gonna happen. So can we just stop all that noise? It has Eddie Murphy in it. When was the last time an Eddie Murphy movie was nominated for anything that didn’t have “Razzie” in the title? I don’t care how nice Beyonce’s ass looks, or how cool Jamie Foxx “acts”, this is still a musical nobody cares about, but the studios think we do. Rent, anyone? The only reason Chicago won Best Picture is because Catherine Zeta-Jones looks spectacular in tights. And since the CZJ isn’t Dreamgirls, let’s all just get off the grift.
While we’re on the subject of Oscars, here are my 81 days earlier predictions (subject to change as the season roles on and the world wakes up to the fact that Babel was a muddled ass of a picture), with my predicted winners in bold:
Best Picture
Babel
The Departed
Dreamgirls
Little Miss Sunshine
The Queen (upset city, baby!)
Best Director
Bill Condon – Dreamgirls
Alejandro González Iñárritu – Babel
Stephen Frears – The Queen
Martin Scorsese – The Departed (this reeks of Pacino in Scent of a Woman)
Oliver Stone – World Trade Center (a reward for calming his shit down)
Best Actor
George Clooney – The Good German
Leonardo Di Caprio – The Departed (he was robbed for The Aviator)
Peter O’Toole – Venus
Will Smith – Pursuit of Happyness
Forest Whitaker – Last King of Scotland
NOTE: Ryan Gosling deserves some love from the Academy, but won’t get any this year. He’ll be a two-time winner when all is said and done, trust me.
Best Actress
“Box Office Poison” Penelope Cruz – Volver
Judi Dench – Notes on a Scandal
Helen Mirren – The Queen
Meryl Streep – The Devil Wears Prada (though she should really be in Best Supporting)
Kate Winslet – Little Children (now officially the Susan Lucci of the Oscars)
Best Supporting Actor
Ben Affleck – Hollywoodland (though I really want him to win)
Eddie Murphy – Dreamgirls
Jack Nicholson – The Departed (Alec Baldwin or Matt Wahlberg deserve this more)
Brad Pitt – Babel
Michael Sheen – The Queen
Best Supporting Actress
Maria Bello – World Trade Center (somebody give this woman her own movie)
Cate Blanchett – Notes on a Scandal
Vera Farmiga – The Departed
Jennifer Hudson – Dreamgirls
Rinko Kikuchi – Babel (who was better, if less integral, than Adriana Barraza)
THIS is the coolest thing Sly’s done since he jumped through the Holland Tunnel airshaft in Daylight (this doesn’t include his decision to bring Mr. T. and Dolph Lundgren in for cameos in Rocky Balboa. That type of awesomeness is unquantifiable using modern mathematics. Oh, and you suck, Apollo Greed!).
I just realized that Heroes might be the only hour long show on television where I don’t hate at least one character. That might be a record. Here are a few of the characters I hate on TV:
Meredith Grey – Grey’s Anatomy
Dr. McDreamy – Grey’s Anatomy
Jack – Lost
Matt and Danny – Studio 60
Lana Lang – Smallville
Dr. Wilson – House
I don’t know why, but for some reason this poster just works for me. I doubt I’ll actually see the movie, but man alive can Hugh Grant sell a romcom.
Congratulations go out to Aaron Sorkin, who finally put out a decent, not great, but decent episode of his unfunny, un-dramatic, un of an hour long, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. And it only took 10 episodes to get there. Here’s hoping we get at least one actual “good” episode before he airs all 22. And while I’m at it, here’s a random sampling of the things that aren’t working on the show: making Harriet Hayes a stupid person, treating all red state residents like they’re idiots, not having funny sketches on a show about funny sketches yet continuing to try to make us believe that Matthew Perry’s character is a genius writer, making Bradley Whitford’s character diametrically opposed to product placement even though he directs a primetime network television show whose sole purpose is to sell advertisement space (not to make culturally significant unfunny, The Daily Show would have dueced on this commentary on society like they think it is; get off your high horse, Aaron), the entirety of Amanda Peet, Tom Jeter and Simon Stiles delivering the “message of the week”, not having Alec Baldwin in the cast and everything between the opening and closing credits.
Who would have thought that after August, the list order of Worst Ignorant, Racist Celebrities would look like this? If Danny Glover were Jewish (and gay) (and had sugar tits) I think I might reconsider Lethal Weapon 4.
Birthday wishes go out to Steven Spielberg, my all-time favorite director, who celebrated his 60th birthday on Monday. He may not always make the coolest movies, or even the smartest movies, but his movies are always exceedingly watchable, expertly made and laced with the type of magic seldom seen on-screen. In other words, he makes the best movies.
Consider this…
Think about how great it would be to see Stallone up there accepting the Oscar for Best Picture. To see his determination to make this movie rewarded. To hear him say stuff like: “This is the greatest moment in my entire career. I’ll cherish this honor. Thank you for supporting me and supporting Rocky for all these years. It means the world to me.” While he tries not to cry? You’re telling me you wouldn’t want to see that? I don’t know about you, but I watch the Oscars for the moments. And the chance to see a moment like that is too great to pass up.
A few more salient facts:
While we’re on the subject, I was researching the whole dragons suck at the box office phenomenon and found that Dragonheart is the highest grossing flick of the bunch. This surprises me because it stars Dennis Quaid. Long the poor man’s Kurt Russell, The Quaid has never been able to open a movie at the box office, even the blockbusters that were gift-wrapped for him. His Jaws sequel, while kitschy fun (“Overman was killed inside the park. The baby was caught inside the park. It’s mother is inside the park.”), was 
So you probably noticed the new head bar. You like? I thought it was time to give the site a facelift; one that would help initiate new readers into what TheJay.com really is: mainly making fun of celebrities. While the sunset pic was nice, it doesn’t exactly scream “Reese Witherspoon has a squirrel chin!” which is what I want this site to convey. 
