So you probably noticed the new head bar. You like? I thought it was time to give the site a facelift; one that would help initiate new readers into what TheJay.com really is: mainly making fun of celebrities. While the sunset pic was nice, it doesn’t exactly scream “Reese Witherspoon has a squirrel chin!” which is what I want this site to convey.

Another change to the site is the posting schedule. I realize that my productivity has dropped since the summer (where I was banging out posts like La Lohan crashes Range Rovers). I get that you all don’t exactly know when to expect new content, and as such, probably get frustrated every time you load the site and still see Britney Spears’s ragged carpet burns. It bothers me that I haven’t had the time to write two great columns per week. And it’s been frustrating not having an outlet to comment on the many things that are happening in Hollywood in any given week. So here’s what I’m going to try and do: on Wednesday’s I will post “Things Overheard”, a new column designed to highlight the topics on my mind and in the news. And on Fridays I will post a traditional 2500 word column. So you get double the posts, I get to write about more things, I get to make fun of more stuff, and everyone has a date and reason for coming back to the site.

DISCLAIMER: Barring any unforeseen catastrophe (like my turning into radioactive Peter Petrelli and kablooey-ing downtown LA; which might not be all bad if it means Hayden Panettiere running toward me in her cheerleading outfit), or me just being lazy and spending some quality time with my three chicks (The Lady, the TiVo and the Netflix), I will stick to the schedule. But don’t hold me to it, because let’s not forget this really important fact: I’m lazy. Ok, so now that I’ve covered my lazy ass in the event of inevitable procrastination, let’s say a prayer and jump into a new era of TheJay.com. The Actual Content in Normal Intervals Era.

We’re gonna start off simple to get everyone used to the schedule, so…

Things On My Mind Right Now

• I had my first TiVo crisis the other day. I have a dual tuner, which means I can record two shows at the same time. And there are several times a week that I put this feature to use (most notably Tuesday’s at 9 p.m. where I record House and Veronica Mars). Unfortunately, I’m now watching three shows on Thursday’s at 9 p.m., so the quandary is which show gets the axe. I have to TiVo Grey’s Anatomy or The Lady will make a woman out of me. Scrubs has been my favorite sitcom for six seasons. And lo and behold, despite two seasons of utter mediocrity (at a generous best) and my desperate attempt to not get sucked back into its surface charms (and by surface charms, I mean Rachel Bilson), I am now watching The O.C. again. Three shows, two slots, what’s a TiVo user to do? So I was trying to coordinate which show to drop if it’s a repeat, which show is better to bloop bloop through as opposed to watching straight through; my pop culture consuming brain was on overload. And then The Lady said “Why don’t you just tape the other show on your VCR?” And it took me a second to figure out what she meant. The VCR? Tape a show? … good God, that’s crazy enough to work! I’m amazed at how far we’ve come as a techno-society to the point where I forgot what a VCR is capable of. Either that, or I’m an idiot. It’s really a toss up.

• And btw, if you’re not watching The O.C. (and I completely understand if you’re not as the show was man ass for two years) then you’re missing out. Now that they finally kicked off the cancer that was Mischa Barton, the show is firing on all cheesy cylinders. Autumn Reeser is a gigantic Best Week Ever-like upgrade (addition by subtraction like a mutha fucka), Bilson is still more adorable than a litter of puppies wrasslin’ a gang of baby pandas, Peter Gallagher’s eyebrows have gotten so big they threaten to require their own SAG card, and Julie Cooper is back to doing what she knows best, namely banging young guys and pissing off her bratty daughter. So I’m calling a Rocky 5-style mulligan on seasons 2 and 3, and for the sake of my mental health, believing Mischa died in a bloody bloody car crash at the end of season 1, and it just took everyone two years to get over their shit, turn their radios down and start being gloriously trashy again. Welcome back to the O.C., bitch!

• You can fool me all you want with your kick ass lenticular poster, Ghost Rider movie. You’re still not getting me to believe Captain Correlli as a bad ass superhero, no matter how many Michael Bay fireballs he slo-mo’s away from or planes full of kooky criminals he brings down (even though he gets shot in the arm and doesn’t react to it and has worse hair than the THH). For god sakes, he couldn’t even front Sarah Jessica Parker in that Vegas movie, so why would I ever buy him as a motorcycle riding, head-on-fire, hell blazing vigilante?

• If you haven’t gone out and bought these new DVD’s yet, you’re just wasting my time.

• Dreamgirls will not win Best Picture. It’s not gonna happen. So can we just stop all that noise? It has Eddie Murphy in it. When was the last time an Eddie Murphy movie was nominated for anything that didn’t have “Razzie” in the title? I don’t care how nice Beyonce’s ass looks, or how cool Jamie Foxx “acts”, this is still a musical nobody cares about, but the studios think we do. Rent, anyone? The only reason Chicago won Best Picture is because Catherine Zeta-Jones looks spectacular in tights. And since the CZJ isn’t Dreamgirls, let’s all just get off the grift.

• While we’re on the subject of Oscars, here are my 81 days earlier predictions (subject to change as the season roles on and the world wakes up to the fact that Babel was a muddled ass of a picture), with my predicted winners in bold:

Best Picture

• Babel
• The Departed
• Dreamgirls
• Little Miss Sunshine
• The Queen (upset city, baby!)

Best Director

• Bill Condon – Dreamgirls
• Alejandro González Iñárritu – Babel
• Stephen Frears – The Queen
• Martin Scorsese – The Departed (this reeks of Pacino in Scent of a Woman)
• Oliver Stone – World Trade Center (a reward for calming his shit down)

Best Actor

• George Clooney – The Good German
• Leonardo Di Caprio – The Departed (he was robbed for The Aviator)
• Peter O’Toole – Venus
• Will Smith – Pursuit of Happyness
• Forest Whitaker – Last King of Scotland

NOTE: Ryan Gosling deserves some love from the Academy, but won’t get any this year. He’ll be a two-time winner when all is said and done, trust me.

Best Actress

• “Box Office Poison” Penelope Cruz – Volver
• Judi Dench – Notes on a Scandal
• Helen Mirren – The Queen
• Meryl Streep – The Devil Wears Prada (though she should really be in Best Supporting)
• Kate Winslet – Little Children (now officially the Susan Lucci of the Oscars)

Best Supporting Actor

• Ben Affleck – Hollywoodland (though I really want him to win)
• Eddie Murphy – Dreamgirls
• Jack Nicholson – The Departed (Alec Baldwin or Matt Wahlberg deserve this more)
• Brad Pitt – Babel
• Michael Sheen – The Queen

Best Supporting Actress

• Maria Bello – World Trade Center (somebody give this woman her own movie)
• Cate Blanchett – Notes on a Scandal
• Vera Farmiga – The Departed
• Jennifer Hudson – Dreamgirls
• Rinko Kikuchi – Babel (who was better, if less integral, than Adriana Barraza)

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• THIS is the coolest thing Sly’s done since he jumped through the Holland Tunnel airshaft in Daylight (this doesn’t include his decision to bring Mr. T. and Dolph Lundgren in for cameos in Rocky Balboa. That type of awesomeness is unquantifiable using modern mathematics. Oh, and you suck, Apollo Greed!).

• I just realized that Heroes might be the only hour long show on television where I don’t hate at least one character. That might be a record. Here are a few of the characters I hate on TV:

• Meredith Grey – Grey’s Anatomy
• Dr. McDreamy – Grey’s Anatomy
• Jack – Lost
• Matt and Danny – Studio 60
• Lana Lang – Smallville
• Dr. Wilson – House

• I don’t know why, but for some reason this poster just works for me. I doubt I’ll actually see the movie, but man alive can Hugh Grant sell a romcom.

• Congratulations go out to Aaron Sorkin, who finally put out a decent, not great, but decent episode of his unfunny, un-dramatic, un of an hour long, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. And it only took 10 episodes to get there. Here’s hoping we get at least one actual “good” episode before he airs all 22. And while I’m at it, here’s a random sampling of the things that aren’t working on the show: making Harriet Hayes a stupid person, treating all red state residents like they’re idiots, not having funny sketches on a show about funny sketches yet continuing to try to make us believe that Matthew Perry’s character is a genius writer, making Bradley Whitford’s character diametrically opposed to product placement even though he directs a primetime network television show whose sole purpose is to sell advertisement space (not to make culturally significant unfunny, The Daily Show would have dueced on this commentary on society like they think it is; get off your high horse, Aaron), the entirety of Amanda Peet, Tom Jeter and Simon Stiles delivering the “message of the week”, not having Alec Baldwin in the cast and everything between the opening and closing credits.

• Who would have thought that after August, the list order of Worst Ignorant, Racist Celebrities would look like this? If Danny Glover were Jewish (and gay) (and had sugar tits) I think I might reconsider Lethal Weapon 4.

1. Kramer 2. Andy Dick 3. Mel Gibson

Bangarang!

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