Things Overheard: Nicole Drives, Eragon Tanks and KT Tunstall Is Totally Tuttle

THINGS THAT NICOLE RITCHIE COULD HAVE DONE THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN WORSE THAN DRIVING STONED, AND THE WRONG WAY, ON THE 134

1. Backing into a police car while freebasing, with one hand tied behind her back.
2. Drop a female deuce in the community pool and then blame it on the Snickers bar she eat at lunch and threw up ten minutes after lunch.
3. Convert to Scientology.
4. Drive Lindsay to her AA meeting, then stand inside the doorway and shotgun Kettle One martini’s while yelling out “Hilary Duff Rules!” when La Lohan’s up to the mike.
5. Join the Celebrivag Flash Club. No one wants to see what a little boy’s skeleton looks like spread eagle and beaver-free.
6. Do a comedy routine, get heckled and call the crowd a bunch of Kramer’s.
7. Eat lunch.

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THINGS I’M PLUGGING FOR A GOOD CAUSE

I’ve been graciously asked to drop some light on a project being cooked up to help support Freedom Writers, the noble-minded new Hilary Swank Teaches Inner City Kids flick (with a seriously eyeroll-inducing title), and since you all know how charitable I can be (after all, I did write a post titled “50 Reasons Why I Like Renee Zellweger“), here’s my movie mitzvah of the week.

“In honor of the film Freedom Writers, a YouTube group called “Be Heard” has been created, featuring brief clips of actors from the film talking about issues affecting youth/teens, such as peer pressure, personal inspiration, motivation, ethics, oppression, morals, tolerance, racism, youth, anti-violence and more. There are also a number of discussions going on within this group around these topics.”

For more information about Freedom Writers, you can go to their official site HERE or their imdb page, HERE.

And to check out the “Be Heard” group on YouTube, please go HERE.

Here’s the trailer:

OK, now that my obligation is out of the way, let me point out that the movie is being released on January 5th, which means two things: 1. Paramount decided not to release it the last week of the year and thereby giving Hilary some potential Oscar consideration, which I have to assume means she’s not that good in it, and 2. January is the dumping ground for shite studio flicks. They release their dogs in the beginning of the year so they can loss lead their books. January crap stays on the 2006 books and doesn’t taint a potentially successful 2007. It’s always better to sneak a turd onto the tail end of a positive ship, where no one will pay it any mind, then to paint it on the bow of a ship’s maiden voyage. This is why Disney made Jerry Bruckheimer tag the month last year with his sports movie wankjob toss off (Glory Road), so it wouldn’t affect the Pirates of the Caribbean stock bump.

A few more salient facts:

1. Hilary Swank, though technically a fine actor, has never made a movie she couldn’t maudlin her way through. And if an in-her-prime Michelle Pfeiffer couldn’t get my git up about inner city kids achieving despite adversity, than Steve Sanders’ ex doesn’t stand a chance.

2. She has actual chiclets for teeth. I’m told Julia Roberts is considering suing her for trademark infringement.

4. Steve Sanders kicked her to the curb. Steve Sanders! This can’t be ignored.

5. Had starred in only one watchable movie in four years (The Core).

6. Paul Haggis is a hack. That really doesn’t relate to the merits or talents of Hilary, but I thought it was worth mentioning.

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THINGS YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE KNOWN

- Did you know that every boxer who has ever appeared in a major motion picture has immediately lost their respective title? Muhammad Ali starred in The Greatest in 1977 and lost his title to Leon Spinks a year later. Tommy Morrison lost his title right after starring in Rocky 5: The One That NEVER Happened. Lennox Lewis lost his title less than a year after cameoing in Ocean’s Eleven. And Antonio Tarver, Stallone’s nemesis enforcer in Rocky Balboa, lost his Middleweight title just a few months ago. Eerie, isn’t it? If I were Oscar De La Hoya I’d turn my ringer off.

- If you already voted for TheJay.com once for Best Culture Blog at the 2006 Weblog Awards, you can vote again. Once a day in fact, until Friday December 15th. So what are you waiting for? You like my jokes, so show The Jay some voter love.

- Chuck Norris turned down the part of Sensei John Kreese in The Karate Kid. Apparently, he doesn’t approve of sweeping the leg, or putting whiny kids from Reseda into a bodybag.

- Also, in regards to Sir Norris, researchers recently discovered the original draft of the Declaration of Independence. It said “Dear King George – Fuck you, we’re leaving. Signed, Chuck Norris.”

- I don’t like Fish. The meal, band or species (though I’ll make an exception for Swedish Fish. Sweet, gummy, kick ass Swedish Fish). Just thought you might want to know.

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THINGS THAT ARE OLD SCHOOL COOL

This is how you make a movie poster. I may not see the movie, but I would definitely put this on my wall (which should be the only rule in deciding if a movie poster is good or not).

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THINGS THAT ARE SAD

- R.I.P. Anita O’Day
- R.I.P. Blood Diamond
- R.I.P. Allen Iverson, Philadelphia 76er
- R.I.P. Eden on Heroes
- R.I.P. Robert Altman

and most of all…

- R.I.P. Clyde Bruckman

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THINGS THAT WILL TANK AT THE BOX OFFICE

Eragon

There has never been a dragon-centered movie that has ever grossed more than $50 million at the box office. Trust me, I looked it up. So why would the makers behind this flick think that just because the book did well, they could override years and years of silver screen dragon ambivalence? If the dulcet tones of Sean Connery couldn’t put ass to seat, then the random blonde-haired Abercrombie model they picked up riding the SAG Financial Core isn’t gonna pull it off. And if you think putting Jeremy Irons in your picture will class the joint up, I’d like to introduce you to Exhibit A: Dungeons & Dragons; yet another dragon movie that was based on a successful source material and ended up a back alley movie abortion. Do yourself a favor, skip the flick, read the book and remember that reading is fundamental.

The more you know…

While we’re on the subject, I was researching the whole dragons suck at the box office phenomenon and found that Dragonheart is the highest grossing flick of the bunch. This surprises me because it stars Dennis Quaid. Long the poor man’s Kurt Russell, The Quaid has never been able to open a movie at the box office, even the blockbusters that were gift-wrapped for him. His Jaws sequel, while kitschy fun (“Overman was killed inside the park. The baby was caught inside the park. It’s mother is inside the park.”), was the lowest grossing Jaws of the bunch, up until Michael Caine realized he had a car payment coming up and poof, Jaws 4: The Revenge. His obligatory disaster movie, The Day After Tomorrow, did very well, but was hardly memorable. In fact, the only thing I really remember about it was Jake Gyllenhaal getting chased by crappy CGI wolves and the recycled ID4 shot of a decimated Statue of Liberty (it’s not a rip off if it’s by the same director. The lesson as always: Roland Emmerich = Creative Genius). He couldn’t open his Cheaper By The Dozen rip off (Yours, Mine and Ours), his Topher Grace breakout dramedy (In Good Company), his classy historical epic (The Alamo), or even his lay-up Hugh Grant comedy (American Dreamz). His only hits were because of someone or something else. The Parent Trap was Lindsay Lohan’s vehicle, Traffic was Soderbergh’s masterpiece, The Rookie was a generic sports hero wankjob, Any Given Sunday was an Al Pacino yells a lot flick, directed by Oliver Stone, and Frequency was a modest hit because he co-starred with Jesus. And yet he continues to get cast in big budget movies.

I get that he’s a name, and I do think he’s a good actor (in fact, I loves me The Quaid), but the fact remains, if you want to open at number one, you’ve got the wrong guy. If you need your movie to gross more than $45 million, you don’t want to be in the Dennis Quaid business.

I think every name actor has their own specific box office ceiling. One or more movies may break the ceiling, but in general, their movies will average whatever their ceiling may be. Dennis Quaid is a $45 millioner. When you make a picture with The Quaid, you’re guaranteed a Dennis Quaid 45. And that’s not too bad. He’s a lot higher than some other stars (like Kevin Costner, Matthew Broderick, or Luke Wilson, to name a few). But studios should bare the numbers in mind when considering who to cast in a big money picture. For example, if you’re making a Dennis Quaid 45, don’t spend more than $60 million, otherwise you’re gonna lose your shirt. If you’ve decided to be in the Hilary Duff business, beware of falling stock prices. That’s a free lesson for all you producers out there. You’re welcome.

Here’s a partial list of some other Box Office Star Ceilings.

- The Denzel 88
- The Jack Black 80
- The Kurt Russell 72
- The Drew Barrymore 55
- The John Cusack 50
- The Richard Gere 42
- The Kate Hudson 35
- The Jude Law 26
- The James Franco 17
- The Katie Holmes 0
- The Madonna -5

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THINGS YOU NEED TO SEE

- If I didn’t already think Kate Winslet was awesome, this clip of her on Ricky Gervais’ show Extras would have put her over the top. Side note: who would have thought that all I needed to get into British Television was Kate Winslet musing about rubbing an Oscar on her fanny. Now why didn’t Monty Python think of that?

- If there’s any truth to Ben Stiller making a Zoolander 2, let me go on record as saying that will be freakin’ sweet. And will go a long way to making me forgive Stiller for making Along Came Polly, Meet The Fockers and Envy. But Ben, a word to the wise, if you do make the sequel remember: “Moisture is the essence of wetness, and wetness is the essence of beauty.” That’s a lesson many sequels would do well to learn.

- The hoax in this clip is not Pauly Shore getting punched in the face (which looked more fake that a Direct-to-Video Seagal flick). The hoax is that the audience is laughing at anything coming out of Pauly Shore’s grody mouth. Seriously, he’s the biggest shit tease in the business. If you’re Pauly Shore (which means you suck), you’re not allowed to make a movie called “Pauly Shore Is Dead” and then not actually kill yourself at the end of it. That’s just getting our hopes up for nothing.

- Here’s just about every TV show ever made, free of charge. (http://tvlinks.voodeedoo.org/)

- Matt Damon is working overtime to make me ignore the fact that he looks like a pig-nosed frat boy, and isn’t nearly as fun to watch has his former hetero life mate, Ben Affleck. And I’ll tell you, I’m starting to turn the corner.

- This article is a fascinating look into what could become the new office time clock of the future. I admire Best Buy’s attempts to blend work life and home life, but have zero confidence they could ever port this idea to their retail stores. Have the Best Buy brass ever actually been to one of their stores? Their employees are about as helpful as a blind man in a garden maze, and about as reliable as asking Nicole Ritchie to drive you to the airport. But still, I’m intrigued how other corporations might embrace this radical idea. (http://biz.yahoo.com/special/allbiz120606_article1.html)

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THINGS THAT ARE TUTTLE

The Lady and I peeped the KT Tunstall concert at the Key Club last Thursday, and it was totally tuttle*. We were fifteen feet from her, and next to one of the speakers, so when she hit the high chords on Miniature Disasters it was like being in the most awesome vibrating bed ever. The opening act got canceled, which was great because I hate going to see a singer I love, but being forced to sit through some dipwad in a pony tale Gavin De Graw-ing his way through a 30 minute set just for the privilege. The show was supposed to start at 8pm, and at 8:10 KT walked on stage, went right into Another Place To Fall, and continued to play for a solid 70 minutes.

She played all the hits off of Eye To The Telescope, my favorite songs off of her new record, Acoustic Extravaganza, and gave us some great inside dirt. Apparently, Other Side of the World is her answer to people who think long distance relationships are a good idea (as in: they’re wrong, which is true). Universe & You is a great song to slip the tongue to. And Black Horse, Cherry Tree is in her words “What it takes to stand next to Christina and Sheryl Crow”. Not exactly sure it takes that much to peer yourself with Xtina, but I respect her for giving respect.

She even did a bunch of the patented Dana Carvey rock concert tricks. She did the “lean back and look into the wings” move. She rocked the “head-to-head guitar playing with her bassist” move. She even did the random audience incorporated clapping. And in a most charming endeavor, she forgot the words to both Black Horse and Suddenly I See (which she closed with) midway through each song, and yet still pulled the mistake off with panache, and kept playing. Female musicians always look great when they’re sheepish. It’s a fact.

If Fiona Apple wasn’t worried before about losing her slot as my favorite female vocalist, then she’s completely out of luck now, because she’s been passed over. KT Tunstall is the goods. I will never miss a KT Tunstall show in Los Angeles ever again, or not buy one of her CD’s. She’s that good.

Here’s a little video education on the Level 5 rock factor of KT Tunstall:

Bangarang!

* Tuttle is a reference to the 2001 movie The Others. Tuttle was the name of the dead gardener who never batted an eye to anything that happened in the movie. He was so chill, so unflappable, so ready to roll his eyes at Nicole Kidman, that when my boy Tim and I saw the flick we were awed by his utter awesomeness. For years after, whenever something was a measure beyond “cool”, we dubbed it “tuttle”. And the KT show was totally tuttle. Thus endeth the lesson.