All the best, brightest and most make fun-able celebrities hit the red carpet for the 64th Annual Golden Globes on Monday. As always, I had spies on the scene recording the secret thoughts of the stars. Let’s see out what they had to say.
Sacha Baron Cohen: I swear to G-d I will knife the first sodded person who asks for a high five. Speaking of, where’s that Ryan Seacrest chap.
Patrick Dempsey: How’s my hair?
Jennifer Hudson: And I am telling you… suck my left tit, Bitch-once! American Idol, represent!
Evangeline Lilly: I am so glad I left the hobbit back on the island. Now where’s that McDreamy guy?
Renee Zellweger: Dammit, did I forget to sew my eyes open today? I knew I forgot to do something. Ah well, hopefully no one will notice.
Isaiah Washington: My agent says I need a nicer name for “faggot”, cause all that faggot talk is bad for my nice guy image. So what’s better? Cocksucker? Nah. Dick Licker? Too literal. Pussy Hater? Too negative. Purple-headed Nob Slobber? Yeah, that’s the one. I did not call that faggot T.R. a Purple-Headed Nob Slobber. But I did call Dempsey a pansy. Next question!
George Clooney: Alright Timberlake, here’s the game. First to five starlets wins. And I’ll even give you a two limoncello head start. Ready? Go!
Justin Timberlake: Guess who’s having sex with anyone he wants tonight? This guy!
Cameron Diaz: Cry me a river… cry me a river. Cry me a river, yeah.
Zach Braff: Dammit, I forgot to put on my anti-douche cream. Now I’ll never be able to make out with Jessica Alba and then whine about it on my blog tomorrow. My life sucks. (Cue pompous indie rock song)
Jack Nicholson: What year is it? Seriously, I have no idea. These things all look the same. Maybe I should take my sunglasses off. On second thought, screw that, I’m Jack. I can do whatever I want. And you know what? I’m nailing that Swank person tonight. Is she a boy? Is she a girl? What I’m saying is this: when you’re facing some free ass, what’s the difference?
Geena Davis: Has anyone seen my career? I think I dropped it. It’s about six feet tall, a hundred and forty pounds, used to be the President? Anybody? Please.
Dame Helen Mirren: Oh Streep, I finally have the better of you. Long live the Queen, bitch!
Mel Gibson: The Jews are responsible for all the awards shows in the world. Which is probably why I didn’t get nominated. Oh hey Salma! Say, your sugartits are looking real nice tonight!
Salma Hayek: If you like my Sugar Tits, you should see my Ugly Betty.
Ben Affleck: The name’s Affleck. A-F-F-L-E-C-K. I believe you’ll find I’m on the list. (grins stupidly)
Masi Oka: Golden Globes! Yatta!
The Jay: Stereotypes! Yatta!
Reese Witherspoon: I hope Ryan’s watching. I didn’t work out eight times a week, cut sugar, salt, bread and water from my diet and spray on my human face just to get hit on by Warren Beatty when Annette’s in the bathroom.
Sienna Miller: I am such a train wreck.
Ali Larter: Don’t look at me. My shit’s bangin’ and my show rules! Love and kisses to Jude. Oh wait, forget that…
Patrick Dempsey: Seriously, the hair? Looks good?
Tom Hanks: It looks great. Trust me, I would know.
Patrick Dempsey: I need a mirror! Stat!
Eddie Murphy: Finally, I’m more popular than Charlie. I’m Eddie Murphy, bitch. The Darkness has arrived!
Angelina Jolie: You get one hour Brad, then it’s back to Cambodia. I mean it. The orphaned babies need me.
Brad Pitt: Fine! Can I go play with George now? Pleeeeease?
Angelina Jolie: I miss Billy Bob.
Hugh Grant: I can’t believe I started my career nailing Julianne Moore and Julia Roberts and now I’m trying convincing the world I want to shag Drew Barrymore. Where did it all go wrong?
Drew Barrymore: I can’t believe I started my career nailing Chris O’Donnell and Adam Sandler and now I get to bone Hugh Grant! I must have don’t something right.
Jennifer Lopez: I am still relevant! I’m the face of Latin Entertainment.
America Ferrarra: Sure you are sweetie. Sure you are.
Meryl Streep: Put my Globe in the car, fetch me a martini and get Gyllenhaal boy’s phone number. That’s all.
Hillary Swank: Remember everybody, I’m still a girl. That fact has not changed. And I’m still single. Line it up, boys! Oh, hi Jack! Nice to see you, too…
Bangarang!
Two notes:
Laughing myself silly, per usual. Good work!
I just discovered your site about 2 weeks ago and I love it. This list is great. Can’t wait for the next one.
The Jay: Stereotypes! Yatta!
Kills me! I cry Yatta! everytime I’m excited. I think the people at work are weirded out by it.
Side Note: I can’t wait for Monday just to here Masi Oka talk to “mystery sock” (think about it)
Ahem, Colts win.*
I’ll get back to you on the article you will be writing.
*Jeremy twirls his mustache…
I just reread the comment I posted last and I have to point out that, yes, I do know the difference between ‘here’ and ‘hear’ but for some reason my brain decided I should use the wrong one. My bad…yeah I hate looking like an ignorant idiot. Plain old idiot suits me just fine.
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