According to media reports, famed question mark-sexual / crazy person / sometime actress, Anne Heche, has left Coley Lafoon, her husband of five years, and begun shacking up with her Men in Trees co-star James Tupper. Notice something: there’s a lot going on in that sentence.

1. Anne Heche, in her non-infinite non-wisdom broke up her family to bone a fourth billed TV star, adding another to an already long list of reasons her child will need extensive psychotherapy.

2. She continues her crazy streak by leaving her baby daddy to hook up with a co-star who will inevitably drop her on her nutball head the moment ABC gets bored of their show and the cast moves on to other projects.

3. The non-brilliant co-star, James Tupper, knowing all that he must about his new paramour, agreed to this decision. She must be crazy good in bed (pun totally intended), or he’s hoping for some lesbian relapse threesome action for him to feel confident in breaking up a family, even one as potentially nuts as the Heche-Lafoon home.

4. The producers of Men in Trees are doing nothing to stop this eight-car pile up. They have a confirmed crazy person as their star and they’re letting her fuck up her personal life to bone her professional life co-star. Man alive, they need some producing lessons. You don’t let alcoholics go to a bar. You don’t let diabetics go to the jelly bean factory. And you don’t let Anne Heche near the crazy pills.

Am I surprised by any of this? Absolutely not. It’s Anne Heche, after all; she of the sudden lesbianism, and more-sudden heterosexuality sequel. She of the alter ego “Celestia”, the autobiography “Call Me Crazy” (hello!), and the claims of being descended from extraterrestrials. Also, she was in that shitty Harrison Ford island movie.

When you’re dealing with Anne Heche you know what you’re gonna get, and in some respects, that’s kinda nice. You know you’re getting a very pretty, (in a slightly mousy way) above-average actress who at any time may decide to go walking in the desert for a week, speak all of her dialogue in a space language, or bang the script girl or best boy depending on what she had for lunch that day. Basically, you wager all of her talent against the risk of the crazy. A lot of people take that bet and do well. I thought she was great in Wag the Dog, Birth, Donnie Brasco, Volcano, Return to Paradise and Volcano (suck it, Dante’s Peak). But whomever puts their chips down on the Heche line has got to keep in mind what they may potentially lose, should they win (This contradiction is much like the Rosie Perez theory of winning and losing from White Men Can’t Jump, except Anne is infinitely less annoying.).

And this why I have no sympathy for Coley Lafoon.

I mean he married her; it’s like he was asking for it! He married her less than a year after she stopped rug-munching America’s favorite gay day time talk show hostess. He married her after watching her be interviewed by Barbara Walters, where it came out that she had been mentally ill for the first 31 years of her life. He married her after he had met Celestia. With all that knowledge in his head, you have to assume (or hope) that he figured something bad might happen down the road.

This story is just a microcosm for the way we must all treat famous/crazy people. You take all the knowledge gained from seeing their work, their social life and their behavior in the media and you make the conscious decision to accept their bullshit and allow them into your life, or you tell them to sell their crazy someplace else. Coley Lafoon had to expect that Anne Heche would screw him over somehow, at some point. He just had to. I remind you, this was not a stable person. Not even by Robert Downey Jr. standards.

That got me thinking about other people who have no right to complain about their problems. For example, does Jennifer Aniston really have a reason to complain about her marriage falling apart? She married the sexiest man alive and then let him make a movie with the hottest creature on earth. What did she expect was gonna happen? That their respective hotnesses would be repelled like the plus sides of two magnets? She brought this on her self the moment she became Brad Pitt’s lady.

While Anne Heche continues to entertain us with her total psycho-crazery (and not entertain us with her wannabe Northern Exposure dramedy), let’s take a look at some other people with no right to complain (after the jump).

• Britney Spears has no right to complain about her Cheetos. It’s not the Cheetos’s fault she bought Spicy Hot instead of regular Cheese.

• Isaiah Washington had no right to complain about Patrick Dempsey taking too long in hair and makeup. He’s seen Loverboy before; he knows how important the McDreamy coif is to the integrity of the show.

• Dreamworks has no right to complain about getting snubbed for Best Picture. Has any Eddie Murphy movie ever been Oscar-worthy (Vampire in Brooklyn notwithstanding, of course)

• Paris Hilton’s Mom has no right to complain about the myriad sex tapes and scandals her daugher gets into. After all, she did raise a whore for a daughter.

• Kate Bosworth has no right to complain about constantly falling asleep during sex with her boyfriend, Orlando Bloom. Unfortunately, the blandness extends to all aspects of his life.

• Jennifer Garner has no right to complain about getting bored during the Smokin’ Aces premiere, her husband just makes bad movies (but I still love ya, Affleck!).

• Ben Affleck has no right to complain about getting bored during the Catch and Release premiere, his wife just makes bad movies (but I love Kevin Smith doing some acting!).

• Samuel L. Jackson had no right to complain about how lame his fight scene in Revenge of the Sith ended up. It’s not like The Man hadn’t seen Return of the Jedi before. George Lucas just does not know how to properly kill his black people.

• Ryan Phillippe has no reason to complain about Reese being so cold during their marriage. He knew she was a minion of the devil when he married her.

• Katie Holmes has no right to complain about being turned into a zombie. Every actor in Hollywood has made the mistake of taking an audition at the Celebrity Center. She knew better.

• Elijah Wood has no right to complain about Jared Leto choking him during a recent brush-up at the MTVu Woodie Awards. After all, he knows how much he sucks. I’m surprised he doesn’t walk around with a chokeproof neck collar, like 50 Cent and his vest.

• And finally, seriously, no contestant on American Idol EVER has the right to complain about Simon being cruel or honest with them. I know people can be deluded, but they have WATCHED the show before, right?

America needs to get a grip. And not just on Frodo’s neck.

Bangarang!

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