Well, this is MUCH better! Can we please get a petition going to save the “Die Hard 4.0″ title? Die Hard is one of my top five favorite action franchises, and I won’t allow so great a series to be devalued by so bad a sequel title as “Live Free or Die Hard”. It’s been hard enough getting over Bruce Willis not sporting his customary John McClaine toupee. Not to mention the Justin Long involvement. Or bland Timothy Olyphant trying to living up to the tradition of the Gruber boys. Was it too much to ask for a suitably creepy eurasian actor to play the villain? Was Peter Sarsgaard to busy with his new Gyllenhaal spawn? Did Jason Isaacs ask for too much money? Somebody really screwed up here.

Yikes. Great poster, but I still have my fingers crossed. A lot of people are worried about Michael Bay botching the Transformers movie. I sweat it out over Bruce making a lame Die Hard 4. Please let this me a sign of good things to come…

Bangarang!

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As a fun little endcap to all the pro-Oscars, pro-creativity, yay! Hollywood nonsense, here’s a little look at the flipside of awards season. It’s the Golden Raspberry Awards; the only award that no one in Hollywood ever wants, but so many TOTALLY deserve. I figured turnabout is fair game, so here’s a little something I like to call:

Things Overheard on the Razzies Red Carpet…

Marlon Wayans: I suck!

Shawn Wayans: Double-down on the Wayans Brothers suckage!

Hilary and Haylie Duff: Ditto all of that, but replace Wayans Brothers with Duff Sisters.

Carmen Electra: I’m hot! …and sucky.

Kristanna Loken: You’re telling me!

M. Night Shyamalan: I make like I’m smart and creative, but there’s a twist! I secretly SUCK!

Danny DeVito: I’m tiny and I suck.

Martin Short: I’m short, but not tiny. Though I do also suck.

Lindsay Lohan: Not only do I suck, I suck HARD.

Rob Schneider: Do I even need to say it?

Tim Allen: I am a really bad actor. You might even call my work in Zoom suck-worthy.

The Jay: Ok then, it was suck-worthy.

Tim Allen: I walked right into that one.

The Jay: Yeah, well, I’m sure you’ll redeem yourself in Wild Hogs.

Tim Allen: Oh ye of little faith…

Nicolas Cage: What’s happening over here? A suckfest? Can I come? I’ll bring my Wicker Man!

Jessica Simpson: I suck too, ya’ll!

Kate Bosworth: I’m too hungry to suck.

Jenny McCarthy: Well as long as there’s sucking involved, count me in!

Uwe Boll: Me too!

Larry the Cable Guy: Total suckage right here!

Sharon Stone: Don’t worry everyone, for as we all know, I suck the most.

Sylvester Stallone: Here here!

Bangarang!

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I really need to be hired as an official Oscar prognosticator by some reputable news source. I went eight for eight in the big races, and also nailed Best Documentary, Editing, Animated Feature, Cinematography, and Makeup. I’m especially proud of picking the Alan Arkin upset. My only real lapses were Foreign Film (I was banking on a Pan’s Labryinth sweep of the minor categories), and underestimating the tremendous Dreamgirls backlash. Somebody powerful really hates Bill Condon (but likes Jennifer Hudson).

Check any of the other eight million entertainment websites for a detailed recap of everything Oscar, because you’re not getting one here. I wasn’t overly impressed by the show, as I suspected I wouldn’t be, and don’t really want to spend any more time dissecting just how unnecessary the Michael Mann America montage was, or just how lame and unfunny the “Ellen giving Martin Scorsese” a script bit was. Instead, I’m giving you what I always give you. A look at what was on the minds of the celebrities as the walked the red carpet for the biggest night in Hollywood. It’s a little something I like to call…

Things Overheard on the Oscars Red Carpet…

Nicole Kidman: I should never have made out with Charlize Theron’s dress last year. I knew I was gonna catch something.

Jessica Biel: I can’t wait for the day when I’m nominated for Best Actor, um, I mean Best Actress. Dammit! Why do I keep doing that? I really need to lay off the bench press.

George Lucas: Wait, did I ever have a chin? I don’t think so. Maybe I can digitally insert one in post?

Beyonce: I knew I should have had Dakota Fanning kill Jennifer. I don’t know what it would have cost, but it would have been worth it.

Ryan Gosling: This is all so beneath me. I’m going home to Rachel McAdams, like I care if the dude from Battlefield: Earth beats me?

Elisabeth Shue: Wait, why am I here? Am I being belatedly honored for my work in Hide & Seek?

Kate Winslet: Well, this is gonna be an uneventful night for me. Again. Good thing I brought my iPod. (singing to herself) My humps, my humps, my lovely lady lumps…

Jackie Earl Haley: Danny Bonaduce WISHES he looked as good as me.

Forrest Whitaker: This all just goes to show that the key to success in this business is starting your career in Jean Claude Van Damme movies. Maybe if Peter O’Toole had played Tong Po in Kickboxer he’d have won one by now.

Meryl Streep: I love that everyone points out all my nominations but doesn’t mention the fact that I haven’t actually won one since 1983.

Ben Affleck: So I gained all the weight and did the respectable actor part everyone told me I needed to do to earn respect and salvage my career and not only didn’t I get nominated but I STILL get crap for Gigli? Fuck this noise! I’m going home to bang my duck-beaked wife and greenlight Surviving Christmas 2: Attack of the Hanukkah.

Jodie Foster: Wait a second, why does everyone look so pretty and heterosexual? I thought the theme was “Gay Chic”? I wore my Tuesday clothes! So embarrassing…

Jack Nicholson: My head looks like a Trader Joes AA-size egg and I’m still getting the best tang tonight! Who wants to bet me I can nail Helen Mirren without taking my pants off?

Reese Witherspoon: And the “Eat It, Ryan Phillippe! I Look HOT!” Tour keeps rolling on.

The Jay: As does the “Shut UP, Squirrel Chin!” Tour. See you in Woodstock!

Peter O’Toole: Where am I? Who are all you people? Wot’s all dis, then? Are we shooting King Ralph 2? … I am old.

Sherry Lansing: Now, I, Skeletor Sherry, am Master of the Universe! Kneel before your master, Tom Cruise! KNEEL BEFORE ME!!!

Tom Cruise: I will never kneel to you! By the Power of L. Ron, I have the power!

Will Smith: Just keep smiling and laughing and no one will see your pain. It’s ok Will, one day we’ll convince them. One day. Oh HA HA HA! That’s a funny joke, Mr. Scorsese. … love me.

Gwyneth Paltrow: As long I keep putting the attention on the girls, no one will remember that I’ve been a vapid suck whole of talent for the last eight years. Yes, that’s it people, stare at my ugly boobs. STARE!

Samuel L. Jackson: Muthafuckin’ Academy not nominated me for Snakes on a Muthafuckin’ Plane! Shiiiitt. We’ll see how they like it when I toss around a half-naked white woman. Fucking Christina Ricci gets you places in this town, just look at Charlize Theron. … muthafucka!

Helen Mirren: I am a right hot bitch. Who wants to bet me I can nail George Clooney during my acceptance speech and still look classy?

Martin Scorsese: Oy! I got schpielkis in my genectikizoid! Look at Clint over there, looking all smug. I hate him. I HATE HIM! I swear to God, if he beats me again I’m dialing Dakota during the commercial break.

Cameron Diaz: I really can’t be mad at Justin. I mean look at me. Even I know I’m a wreck. Jessica Biel, even with her manly arms and overwhelming aura of butch dykeyness, is still hotter than me. Hell, he’d probably bang bald Britney again before me. I must stop letting myself look like the bad end of a three day coke bender. If Robert Downey Jr. can do it, so can I!

Eddie Murphy: No matter what, at least I look better in a fat suit than Martin Lawrence.

Abigail Breslin: OMG! Was that Dakota? Is she here? Oh no! Oh no! Steven Spielberg’s coming up to me. What if she’s reprogrammed him to be her own personal ninja assassin? I’m young and ever so adorable. I don’t want to die.

Dakota Fanning: Don’t fuck with the Fanning.

Steven Spielberg: Just do what she says and everything will be just fine. … I hope.

Bangarang!

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Best Picture

• BABEL
• THE DEPARTED
• LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA
• LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE
• THE QUEEN

Will Win: The Departed - It’s the only film everyone can agree on. Well, at the very least, it’s the only one most people have even seen. This is the weakest crop of Oscar nominees, in terms of box office, in decades. In cases like this, I say go with the movie that has the biggest stars in it. You don’t get any bigger than Nicholson, DiCaprio, Damon and Scorsese.

Should Win: The Queen - Little Miss Sunshine is a cute indie flick, but is in NO way an Oscar movie. Especially not a Best Picture. Please, we learned our lesson with American Beauty. Once burned, twice learned (that Kevin Spacey makes bad movies). Letters From Iwo Jima is a pedigree pick, only here because of the man who directed. Know how I know that? Only twenty people have even seen the damn thing. Babel is a muddled mess of an ensemble film that wasn’t even powerful enough to get Brad Pitt a gimme Best Supporting nomination. Don’t be fooled by pundits who say this could be like Crash. Even Brad is hoping The Departed wins. As for that film, been there done that. With the same director I might add. He should have won for Goodfellas; it’s not The Queen’s fault that people liked Kevin Costner in 1990. The Queen, however, was the best film I saw all year. The most emotional film I saw all year. I learned about things I was unaware of, saw a world I’m not accustomed to seeing, it showcased the best acting performance of the year in Helen Mirren’s titular monarch (more on this later), and it managed to be captivating despite being a story EVERYONE knows. I would be proud to call The Queen the Best Picture of the year.

Best Actor in a Leading Role

• Leonardo DiCaprio, BLOOD DIAMOND
• Ryan Gosling, HALF NELSON
• Peter O’Toole, VENUS
• Will Smith, THE PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS
• Forest Whitaker, THE LAST KING OF SCOTLAND

Will Win: Forest Whitaker - The Academy tends to toe the line for the Best Actor race, and Forest has the most amount of shiny plaques. Though don’t be surprised if the Academy decides to follow the Be Old rule and give a goodbye award to Peter O’Toole. He was nominated on name recognition, so who’s to say what people actually seeing the movie could do for his chances.

Should Win: Leonardo DiCaprio, but for The Departed. I don’t know who’s brilliant idea it was to play both Leo films down the middle. He was never going to win for a movie he has to do an accent for. No one gets Oscars for accents, they get them for performances. Leo may be brilliant in Blood Diamond, but I bet the only thing people paid attention to was how well he did the South African accent. But he was brilliant in The Departed, without the help of an Oscar bait accent. The Departed was the first time I truly looked at Leo as a man, not a boy. He not only held his own in the scenes with Jack, I thought he was better. Go back and watch the scenes with Vera Farmiga to see the emotion, intensity and desperation in his eyes and words. If that’s not Best Acting, I don’t know what is. Just a monumental blunder by whoever decided to go with Blood Diamond.

Best Actress in a Leading Role

• Penelope Cruz, VOLVER
• Judi Dench, NOTES ON A SCANDAL
• Helen Mirren, THE QUEEN
• Meryl Streep, THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA
• Kate Winslet, LITTLE CHILDREN

Will Win: Helen Mirren - She gave the undisputed best performance of the year. End of discussion.

Should Win: Helen Mirren - Everyone else is playing for second place.

Best Director

• Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, BABEL
• Martin Scorsese, THE DEPARTED
• Clint Eastwood, LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA
• Stephen Frears, THE QUEEN
• Paul Greengrass, UNITED 93

Will Win: Martin Scorsese - The Departed is his Scent of a Woman, so to speak. It’s not his best work, but we screwed up by not honoring him for those movies, so this is the consolation. The Departed was his most accessible film in years, his highest grossing, and was a welcome return to the mobster-genre he defined over the last few decades. And it’s also what might be the last chance to give him an Oscar. It’s a weak year, with even Clint not bringing his best work to the table. In any other year Marty wouldn’t stand a chance. It’s his time. And if he loses to Eastwood again I will never watch the Oscars again. It’ll be a joke. Martin Scorsese is not Susuan Lucci. He’s Martin fucking Scorsese. Somebody better show him some goddamn respect.

Should Win: Martin Scorsese - Do I even need to explain why?

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Tonight marks the end of a show I was once lived and died for. The OC was a series that helped shape my vocabulary (“Ginormous!”), my Wednesday nights (and now Thursdays), my hatred for Mischa Barton, my drink of choice (The 7 and 7, thank you Ryan Atwood), my nighttime locked door viewing choices (thank you, Rachel Bilson), and was the catalyst for my very own Chrismukkah party.

It also perfectly satisfied by neverending need to always be watching a cheesy nighttime soap opera (preferrably of the irascible teen variety). From Beverly Hills, 90210 to Dawson’s Creek to The O.C., I’ve always been able to get my fix for pretty people melodramatically doing melodramatic things while looking and acting pretty. To honor the final episode of my former favorite show (Where have you gone The O.C. Season One, The Jay turns its lonely eyes to you. Ooh Ooh Ooh!), I am attempting my first foray into the potentially unfunny (and overdone) world of liveblogging. Let’s get right to it.

8:58 - Punk off, Rudy Cardenas! My night takes a bittersweet jump-off, as I completely agreed with three of the four people kicked of Idol. Ya’ll probably guessed my thoughts on Rudy. I was put off by Paul Kim since the start; put some shoes on, dork ass. And Nicole Tranquillo sent me to the double bloop faster than a mid-season episode of Smallville. As for Amy Krebs, she will be missed by me if only because she was the spitting image of my ex-girlfriend and I enjoyed how morbidly hilarious it was to “root for my ex” in a national singing competition. Riisa, if you’re reading this, I don’t think you sing like a candle. Simon was wrong about that. If I had to choose, I would say you sing much like an armoire. So to speak.

9:01 - Hello, final episode of The O.C.! I’m rocking the Atwood wifebeater, got my honorary glass of 7 and 7 by my side, and have Death Cab cued up on iTunes. I am officially ready to liveblog.

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