Jim Carrey’s new thriller The Number 23 looks about as appealing as your average Joel Schumacher-directed film. This is to say, it looks mediocre. As a public service, I have compiled a coincidentally numbered list of reasons why you should save your money and not go.
1. Directed by Joel Schumacher.
2. Jim’s hair looks like a wig from the bottom of Tom Hanks’ Da Vinci Code reject pile.
3. Jim plays a dogcatcher in the movie. Is that still a job? What, was VCR repairman taken? I call shenanigans on this script!
4. If you thought chain letters were annoying, then you’re gonna hate the viral marketing campaign for The Number 23. Find out why HERE.
5. There are exactly 23 letters in the phrase: “This movie is complete shit.” Coincidence? I think not.
6. Don’t encourage Jenny McCarthy. It only makes things worse.
7. The official MySpace page for the movie does not have a modified Top 23 friends list. That’s a total lack of branded marketing support, if you ask me.
8. Why do I think about drinking Dr. Pepper (23 ingredients in each can!) when I see commercials for this movie? Everyone knows I Do The Dew!
9. Giving this movie your money is more incentive for Jim Carrey to never talk out of his ass again. I think we can all agree that that would be a bad thing.
10. Since she’s now become a respectable actress, there’s a -2.3% chance former-schlock-horror movie screamer Virginia Madsen will get naked. A scary movie with no boobies? Uh, no thank you.
11. Jim apparently pulled his dick out and peed on the set during an especially flat take. Peeing on set? That’s bush league. You don’t pull that kind of noise on a Schumacher set! That’s amateur hour! And besides, peeing is nothing to Joel. This is the man who directed St. Elmo’s Fire. You think Judd Nelson didn’t pull his dick out during the Ally Sheedy scenes? Hell, Demi Moore took a crap on Andrew McCarthy’s face during one scene and Joel printed the take! You gotta do a lot more than simple micturition to earn the director of Lost Boys’s respect.
12. Need I remind you of what happened the last time Joel Schumacher and Jim Carrey got paid for the same movie? A little something I like to call “Why Does Everyone Hate Val Kilmer?” aka Batman Forever.
13. “23” is one of the infamous numbers on Lost. Like Hurley says, the numbers are bad.
14. I don’t like math, and that’s what this POS looks like it’s all about. I didn’t like math in high school or college and I don’t like it now. Why would I want to sit through two hours of Jim Carrey learning fucking algebra? 2X + 3Y = Suck Off, The Number 23!
15. Unfortunately, this movie has nothing to do with Michael Jordan.
16. When it comes down it, if you only see one number-related movie this Spring, isn’t it going to be “300”? I know Jim Carrey’s cool, but he isn’t as cool as a million digital Persian warriors attacking the city of Sparta.
17. There are 23 letters in the phrase: “Britney Spears Shaved Bald”, which is a clear sign of the apocalypse.
18. Presumably, if you see the movie you’re gonna go around saying stupid shit like the phrase above. If that’s not enough of a deterrent, I don’t know what is?
19. Sideways ruined the Santa Ynez Valley for me. It’s so overloaded with stupid fucking non-wine drinking tourists that someone who actually collects wine, like me, can’t get a good seat at Buttonwood anymore. So screw you, Virginia Madsen. I liked you in Candyman, and for being the hotter of the two Madsen siblings, but for being indirectly related to decreasing my SB wine tasting enjoyment by a good 43%, I’m gonna have to boycott your stupid thriller. Call me when you’re doing something better than encouraging Jim Carrey’s laugh-avoidance or sobering up Harrison Ford.
20. The Number 23 will be released on February 23rd. Movies with gimmicky release dates never turn out to be any good. See: Omen 666, The
21. There’s an approximately 2.3% chance that Jim will be funny at any point in the movie (and that’s being generous).
22. Did I mention it was directed by Joel Schumacher? I did? Well, it’s worth reiterating.
23. The movie is so worthless I can’t even come up with a 23rd reason not to see it. So I’m just gonna go home, watch Ace Ventura: Pet Detective for the 47 time, and call it a day. I urge you to do the same.
Bangarang!
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I’m upset because the trailer states the axial tilt of the Earth is 23 degrees.
Do they really think we’re that stupid?
EVERYONE knows the Earth is actually tilted 23.5 degrees. Sheesh!
They’re just gearing us up for the sequel.
This is not the first scary movie Jim Carrey has ever done.
They are all scary. Not funny, not moving, not bittersweet or poignant. SCARY.
Be gone, evil demon. Take you millions and your minions and your bendy face and your various vacuous blond girlfriends and go.
[...] D making the Top 3 and Sanjaya becoming a crazy-haired phenomenon. There were more than 23 reasons not to see The Number 23, but I like a good cliche as much as the next online humor writer. I liveblogged the cheesy [...]
I liked it. I don’t like math either, because math is boring and because I can’t do it…but who can deny that 23 is what lots of disasters equal to…like Julius Caeser being stabbed 23 times, the titanic, etc. The numerologist on the DVD said that its not necessarily bad, it’s just how you use it. The root to 23 is 5, which are my numerological numbers and they’re not silly – they actually describe your character very well.