Requiem For A Teen Soap Opera: Liveblogging the Series Finale of The O.C.

Tonight marks the end of a show I was once lived and died for. The OC was a series that helped shape my vocabulary (“Ginormous!”), my Wednesday nights (and now Thursdays), my hatred for Mischa Barton, my drink of choice (The 7 and 7, thank you Ryan Atwood), my nighttime locked door viewing choices (thank you, Rachel Bilson), and was the catalyst for my very own Chrismukkah party.

It also perfectly satisfied by neverending need to always be watching a cheesy nighttime soap opera (preferrably of the irascible teen variety). From Beverly Hills, 90210 to Dawson’s Creek to The O.C., I’ve always been able to get my fix for pretty people melodramatically doing melodramatic things while looking and acting pretty. To honor the final episode of my former favorite show (Where have you gone The O.C. Season One, The Jay turns its lonely eyes to you. Ooh Ooh Ooh!), I am attempting my first foray into the potentially unfunny (and overdone) world of liveblogging. Let’s get right to it.

8:58 – Punk off, Rudy Cardenas! My night takes a bittersweet jump-off, as I completely agreed with three of the four people kicked of Idol. Ya’ll probably guessed my thoughts on Rudy. I was put off by Paul Kim since the start; put some shoes on, dork ass. And Nicole Tranquillo sent me to the double bloop faster than a mid-season episode of Smallville. As for Amy Krebs, she will be missed by me if only because she was the spitting image of my ex-girlfriend and I enjoyed how morbidly hilarious it was to “root for my ex” in a national singing competition. Riisa, if you’re reading this, I don’t think you sing like a candle. Simon was wrong about that. If I had to choose, I would say you sing much like an armoire. So to speak.

9:01 – Hello, final episode of The O.C.! I’m rocking the Atwood wifebeater, got my honorary glass of 7 and 7 by my side, and have Death Cab cued up on iTunes. I am officially ready to liveblog.

9:02 – Damn, I’m gonna miss me some Kaitlin Cooper. Summer makes for a hot, trashy Britney-with-hair like lazy girlfriend. I wonder if she’ll be bald by Act 3? This episode is showing some promise.

9:03 – Wait, so it’s six months later and the ENTIRE cast is living in Dr. Roberts’s house? And we don’t get to see any of those wacky sitcom-esque hijinks? Denied!

9:04 – Caaaaaalllllliiiifffooornia!! One last time… my favorite singalong theme song since I used to knock two on the head to start every episode of 90210. Duh nu nu nu, Duh nu nu CHI CHI!

9:05 – Just watched the excorable Wild Hogs TV spot. I will now go burn my copy of Broken Arrow. Ain’t it cool? No, Johnny T, it’s not. It hasn’t been cool in many, many years. Also, go run into some traffic again, Martin Lawrence. How does he keep getting chances? When was the last time he made anyone laugh? I want to punch him in his Shanaynay. And let’s not even go into what the hell Bill Macy is doing here. Let’s just pray he had a surprise mortgage payment or something drastic like that. I just can’t handle Bill Macy slumming.

9:07 – Peter Gallagher’s looking a little paunchy. We’re WAY far from Center Stage right now.

9:08 – One of my favorite ongoing themes of the show was Ryan and Summer never calling each other by their first names. I do that with certain people; very good real world piece of dialogue. Well done, The O.C.

9:10 – Sip.

9:10 – “A buffet of Bullets to love.” That’s the tagline to every third Tera Patrick movie (you could easily replace Tera with Michael Bay if you so desire).

9:12 – Never title your movie anything that even remotely reminds people of a toilet. “Flushed Away”? Don’t make it that easy for the critics. Also, don’t make it shitty. Pun intended… kinda.

9:16 – Are they trying to make us think about how Ho!Yay! Ryan and Seth are supposed to be? I guess I have to respect that they’re showing a healthy homosexual relationship between the guys that own the Berkeley house, but all it really does is point out that Seth is a little… fey?

9:17 – The Bullit is awesome. BANG!

9:18 – Meta jokes about their own cancellation. Fantastic. Don’t remind me I have no teen soap opera to move onto. It’ll just drive me to old Dawson’s Creek reruns on TBS. And nobody wants that.

9:18 – Sip. Sip. Slurp.

9:20 – Taylor gave Summer lye to bath with? Awesome. I am Jack’s TiVo season pass.

9:22 – Julie Cooper has a baby Atwood growing inside of her? If this were two seasons ago I’d be afraid Julie would jump into a ball of fire, Ripley-style. Now? I just shake my head at the plot machinations. Yeah, this show needs to end.

9:24 – Commercials. Trailer for Adam Brody’s attempt to break into movies. Keep trying, Seth. OMG! A bass fish fused itself onto Meg Ryan’s face! Disgrossting.

9:24 – If you had told me when Panic Room came out that the boy/girl trapped in with Jodie Foster would turn into a totally pre-approved hottie, I would have called you crazy. Like Britney taking an umbrella to K-Fed’s car, crazy. And yet, she’s kinda gourmet. I’m looking forward to the Maxim spread this summer.

9:28 – Why does Kelly Rowan look anorexic even when nine months pregnant? I blame Mischa barton for this.

9:29 – Hercules should never be in a suit. That’s like K-Fed holding down a steady job. It’s just not right.

9:30 – Thirty minutes of disgusting godawful teen soap opera left. Time for a refill.

9:32 – What’s the timeline for Autumn Reeser getting her own show? Two months? Next week? I hope her agent works for their 10% this pilot season.

9:33 – “Don’t settle for comfortable.” That’s really good advice. And it came from Julie Cooper. God bless this stupid show.

9:34 – A locket with a picture of Barton in it? If I didn’t loathe that girl to the core, I might have shed a fake tear. Too bad… Also, wouldn’t it have been hilarious if the other side of the locket had a picture of Cisco Adler’s hugemongous junk on it. I would have ruptured a disc laughing at the sight of Mischa getting locket-style tea-bagged on The O.C. finale. I hate missed opportunities.

9:37 – Sex! Break-Ups! Babies! Weddings! The Graduate-ripoffs! This is how a soap opera series finale is done!

9:38 – Julie Cooper is going to be Ryan’s stepmom? Which would make Mischa Barton’s corpse his dead step-sister. Are we sure there’s no way the show can apply for an extension? The CW doesn’t want this show? Who’s running Hollywood, seriously? How is King of Queens on it’s 9th season and we’re losing The O.C. after four years? I blame Mischa Barton.

9:40 – The Cohens are moving to Berkeley! That was predictable like Ross ending up with Rachel, but still just as satisfying. I always approve of shows that end EXACTLY as their fans want it. Now if they’d only have someone cockpunch Seth off a cliff, I’d be calling this the Best. Finale. Ever.

9:41 – Starting to get a little buzzed. Love that 7 and 7.

9:44 – Julie pulled a Kelly Taylor! 90210 and The OC have become one. My head is officially spinning! Where’s Ian Ziering when you really need him?

9:45 – Picture montage. Starting to get a little dusty in The 209.

9:46 – Summer leaving town is a perfect metaphor for this show. Bilson’s the only one that has an actual future, so driving away from these, ahem, “lesser” “stars”, seems apropo. Let’s just hope there aren’t any more The Last Kiss’s anytime soon. And while we’re at it, stuff it Zach Braff!

9:47 – Damn is that Bilson beautiful. Me thinks there is a locked door and a trip to MrSkin.com in my immediate future.

9:50 – Sip. Gulp.

9:51 – Just kiss alread, Ryan and Seth!

9:52 – Just checked… yep, still have my balls. Not a 14 year-old girl yet.

9:52 – Flashback time. I hope we get a good “Welcome to the O.C., bitch” reference.

9:53 – No dice on the choice quote refresh. Ah well… I totally dig that Ryan’s closing out the show. It was always about his journey, not the Cohens. And as much I hated the fact that his scenes meant more Mischa screen-time, I always dug his character and am glad to see the writers give him a proper send-off.

9:55 – Team Julie, indeed.

9:55 – Seth and Summer, man and wife. Cheesy, but awesome.

9:56 – Great way to end the series. Julie finally overcomes her trailer-park roots and graduates college. Kaitlin becomes Lindsay Lohan at the end of Mean Girls. The Coopers are one big Bullit and Frank-included family, the Cohen rents are happy in Berkeley with a beautiful little girl. Seth and Summer are together (and Jewish) for the long haul (L’chaim!). Ryan and Taylor are on their way to coupledom again. And Ryan brings the show full circle to offer help to a mini-Atwood clone. Color The Jay touched. A classy, classy way to end a gloriously trashy TV show. I can’t wait to buy the Season 4 DVD. Which is the best thing I can say about the show, considering how terrible it was for two seasons. If only the quality of it’s first and last season was the quality of it’s second and third. Then we might not be about to say goodbye to the Cohens forever. What might have been… I blame Mischa Barton.

9:56 – The 7 and 7 is gone. Symbolism, much?

9:57 – Goodbye Cohens. Goodbye Chino. Goodbye Bait Shop. Goodbye Summer’s Rage Blackouts. Goodbye Taylor Townsend’s Neverending Nervous Rants. Goodbye Kaitlin’s “Oh, crap!”. Goodbye scheming Julie Cooper. Goodbye shifty, Worst Parent Ever Jimmy Cooper. Goodbye Captain Oats and Princess Sparkle. Goodbye Anna Stern. Goodbye Luke’s gay Dad. Goodbye Peter Gallagher’s luscious Jewish eyebrows. Goodbye Kirstin Cohen’s alcoholism and general gratuitousness. Goodbye clunky dialogue. Goodbye Chrismukkah. Goodbye occasionally cool indie music soundtrack. Goodbye Olivia Wilde as a lesbian. Goodbye Bullit. Goodbye Oliver (and burn in hell). Goodbye rotted, festering corpse of Marissa Cooper. Goodbye unfunny meta jokes. Goodbye Russell Crowe knock-offs. Goodbye to it all.

9:57 – Peace out from The OC, bitch!

9:58 – And now to start my long journey to find the next great teen soap opera. Paging Kevin Williamson…

Bangarang!

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