Things Overheard At A Vanity Fair Cover Meeting

The Scene: A confidential meeting to pitch potential cover ideas for next month’s issue of Vanity Fair.

The Players: Three Vanity Fair editors (VF Editor 1-3), and one Random Hot Blonde (aka RHB)

INT. VANITY FAIR BOARDROOM – DAY

Three Vanity Fair Editors sit around a table discussing potential cover ideas. Pictures of hot young starlets and passed their prime male actors litter the table.

VF Editor 1: So what do we got for next month? What’s the hot happenings?

VF Editor 2: How about Darfur?

VF Editor 3: God bless you.

VF Editor 2: I didn’t sneeze.

VF Editor 3: …

VF Editor 1: Darfur, eh? Pretty popular, but there’s nobody good looking running that campaign. I need someone hot. I can’t put hard nipples on Darfur. I damn sure can’t put hard nipples in a wet T-shirt on Darfur. And I need those hard nipples people!

VF Editor 3: I like boobies.

VF Editor 2: American Idol? Put the judges on the cover.

VF Editor 1: I meant chick nipples, you idiot. If I wanted man boob on my cover I’d call Al Gore and do another stupid Green issue. What else?

VF Editor 2: Britney Spears, the rise and fall of a popstar?

VF Editor 3: Oops, she did it again!

VF Editor 1: Not bad, not bad. Kinda dig the bald look. Annie Leibowitz could reflect some lights off of her bald head, make her look like a pop star Gandhi.

VF Editor 2: America likes a tragic figure.

VF Editor 1: Yes, but she’s also a Mom. You know what that means.

VF Editor 3: Saggy mom boobs?

VF Editor 1: That’s right! I can’t put saggy nipples on my cover, this is Vanity Fair! The magazine that made Gretchen Mol’s rack famous. And proudly displayed Demi Moore’s painted cans. We won’t settle for anything less than headlights to the sky! Bald Britney is out. What else you got?

VF Editor 2: Umm…. Uh…. Well, The Sopranos is ending soon.

VF Editor 1: A Gangster issue? This could work. I love it. What’s on the cover?

VF Editor 2: A three page gatefold of the entire cast. With, uh, James Gandolfini on the front fold?

VF Editor 1: I like it. But it’s missing something….

VF Editor 3: Boobies!

VF Editor 1: Exactly. I like the way you think, kid. Ok, so we need skin with the Sopranos. Is there a hot chick on the show?

VF Editor 2: Not really. Lorraine Bracco’s kinda over the hill. Edie Falco might be a man. And Drea De Mateo is mostly a road rager.

VF Editor 1: Yeah, trucker nips are not classy. This is not good people. I need those nips!

VF Editor 2: Well, James Gandolfini has some nice boobs. For a dude.

VF Editor 1: Don’t be an idiot! He has nice boobs for anyone, but that’s beside the point.

VF Editor 3: Zing?

VF Editor 2: Why don’t we just use a hot celebrity that’s unrelated to the show? Like Carmen Electra?

VF Editor 1: No, I can’t use Carmen. I tried to grab her boob at an Oscars after party and she slapped me so hard I lost a cap on my back molar.

VF Editor 2: Pamela Anderson?

VF Editor 1: Won’t do it. I gave her herpes once.

VF Editor 2: Giselle?

VF Editor 1: Fuck Giselle. Fuck Tom Brady. Go Jets.

VF Editor 2: I like Peyton Manning.

VF Editor 1: Let’s see. Time to be creative. Gandolfini’s a big guy, right?

VF Editor 3: Orca fat!

VF Editor 1: So we need a slightly bigger girl on the cover so he doesn’t look even bigger. Is there a hot, slighty bigger girl we can find? Preferably famous?

VF Editor 2: Tyra Banks?

VF Editor 1: Do you want me to fire you?

VF Editor 2: Jennifer Hudson?

VF Editor 1: Vanity Fair doesn’t put black people on the cover. Unless Halle wants to do a Swordfish redux.

VF Editor 2: Kate Winslet

VF Editor 1: British girls frighten me.

VF Editor 2: Salma Hayek?

VF Editor 1: I owe her money.

VF Editor 3: Anna Nicole Smith?

VF Editor 1: …

VF Editor 2: …

VF Editor 3: Too soon?

VF Editor 1: C’mon people! This is Vanity Fair! We’ll put any random girl on the cover. And if I’m gonna go with a sausage fest for a whole month I’d like some ham flaps with my sausage. Wait, I got it! Remember that hot girl I groped at the Anna Wintour tribute last month? Let’s use her! She had a great ass! And she wasn’t that tiny either. It’s perfect. And I bet she remembers me.

He calls her. She picks up.

RHB: Hello?

VF Editor 1: Baby, it’s me! From the Anna Wintour tribute.

RHB: I’m sorry?

VF Editor 1: You called me “handsy”? I said you were fleshy, but in a good way. Not like a Bridget Jones kind of way. I was coked out of my mind?

RHB: Oh… right, the guy that gave me the rash. Uh, hey. What’s up?

VF Editor 1: So you know how I said I was an editor for Vanity Fair?

RHB: Yeah. That’s why I let you grope my ass.

VF Editor 2: We want to put you on the cover.

RHB: WHAT??? Are you kidding me?

VF Editor 2: No, actually we’re not.

RHB: Just so you know, I’m not gonna fuck you for this.

VF Editor 1: Baby, I wouldn’t dream of it. Is a beej out of the question?

RHB: So you’re doing a whole piece on me? Wow! Wait till I call my agent! Just when I thought my guest starring role on Las Vegas was gonna be the highlight of my career; this almost makes up for having sex with James Caan in his trailer. I couldn’t have nailed Duhamel? Like Fergie’s any real competition. She’s a dude who wets herself.

VF Editor 1: Yeah, here’s the thing babe. We’re not doing a story on you.

RHB: You’re not? But I’m so charming and full of gumption. And I’m a hot, struggling actress. That story is universal.

VF Editor 2: The cover story this month is on The Sopranos.

RHB: Then why am I on the cover?

VF Editor 1: Because the main Soprano guy is ugly and fat and we need your pretty ass to attract the guys at the magazine stands.

RHB: Well, I’ve always wanted to be on The Sopranos. What am I doing on the cover? Do I get to hold a gun?

VF Editor 1: You’ll be sitting on Gandolfini’s lap, caressing his chest, and he looks bored.

RHB: Why does he look bored?

VF Editor 2: Because he owns a strip club on the show and is unfazed by a naked stripper.

VF Editor 3: Strippers make me tingly in my pants area.

RHB: I have to be a stripper?

VF Editor 1: Hey, it was good enough for that boring chick from Saved By The Bell. P.S., I nailed her at the after party for Shrek 2. She was so excited, so excited, so… scared?

RHB: What will I be wearing? Some really fashionable couture swim suit from Vera Wang?

VF Editor 2: No, you’re a stripper. So you know, think accordingly.

RHB: I’m naked on the cover? Like Demi Moore?

VF Editor 1: Nah, you’re not that talented. We’ll put you in something skimpy. Gotta tease them on the cover. But in the article spread…

RHB: So I’m in a thong, sitting on James Gandolfini’s lap, and he looks bored?

VF Editor 1: This is your big shot, kid! The one that makes you a star. And don’t forget who gave you the shot.

RHB: I’m still not fucking you. You gave herpes to my roommate at Joel Silver’s birthday party.

VF Editor 1: Oh yeah, she was pretty hot. Like a Fresno 8. Say, is she still teaching special ed kids?

VF Editor 3: Retards are funny!

VF Editor 2: So are you in?

RHB: Yes. I’m not thrilled about being half naked. But at least my face will be on the cover of a national magazine.

VF Editor 1: Yeah, about that, we’re not gonna show your face. Your head will be turned.

RHB: So all you’ll see of me are my tits and ass?

VF Editor 1: Nah, you’re nipples aren’t VF worthy. We just need your perfect ass.

VF Editor 2: It’ll be your Scarlet Johansson moment.

RHB: The only thing people will see is my butt? That’s not classy.

VF Editor 1: But you got a great ass. It’s so good, we’re gonna put one of the other mooks from the show next to you, and he’ll be ogling your ass. It’ll be dynamite.

VF Editor 3: Dynamite Ass is a good movie. I’ve seen it twice. Alone. At night. In a locked room.

RHB: I don’t know about this…

VF Editor 2: We’d really like you to do this. It’s going to be a great photo. And we’ll make sure you look fantastic.

VF Editor 1: And you won’t need to do a thing. You’re perfect just the way you are.

RHB: So just my naked ass and thighs, while an old guy ogles me and another old guy is bored of me touching him?

VF Editor 3: Another classic Vanity Fair cover!

RHB: It’s a living. I’m in.

VF Editor 1: Now, is that beej out of the question?

RHB: Not a chance.

VF Editor 1: We’ll need you to lose ten pounds.

FADE OUT

Bangarang!

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