There are many great things about the movie 300. The stunning digital cinematography. The slo-mo shots of bloody, epic carnage. Gerard Butler stealing Sean Connery’s trick of playing all his characters with a Scottish accent. Lena Headey’s boobs. But what most people are focused on are the utterly yoked out bodies of the Spartan warriors. Ripped, shredded, ridonkulously pumped, call it what you will, those boys were in wicked good shape. They got that way through a training regimen called, coincidentally, the “300 Reps Workout”. The workout (created by Mark Twight, at his gym Gym Jones) was designed to not just help the actors mimic the bodies of the Spartan warriors, but to actually become them.
This is the workout as it was first reported:
- 25 pull ups
- 50 deadlifts
- 50 push ups (sometimes on gymnastics rings)
- 50 jumps onto a 24-inch box
- 50 tire drags (dragging a huge tire attached to your waist across the room and back)
- 50 single-arm clean-and-presses using a 36-pound kettlebell
- 25 pull ups.
The cast trained to be able to that workout several times a week at heightened levels of speed and intensity. If you can do that workout in under twenty minutes, you are well on your way to looking like King Leonidas.
So everyone is freaking out over this new workout, declaring it to be THE new “in” training method. But little do “they” know that this workout has been around in the top circles of Hollywood for some time now. It’s used for training the manliest of men, but when it was first developed, it was designed for the Young Hollywood tabloid crowd. Yes it’s true; the Spartan training method was first updated to prime the bodies of the dastardliest warriors of our time, the Celebritards. The likes of Paris Hilton, Nicole Ritchie, Lindsay Lohan and former pioneer of the method, Ms. Britney Spears, were the first to successfully complete what has since been dubbed the “300 Clubs Workout”.
TheJay.com was able to uncover the official training regiment needed to become a 300 Celebritard Warrior. If you aspire to be like the most well-known, least respected skazz Hollywood has to offer, simply complete the follow exercises and you will be on your way to suffering from “exhaustion” and gunning over photographers outside of Hyde.
The Official “300 Clubs Workout”:
- 25 Blackberry Thumb Ups
- 50 Melodramatic Sidekick Texts
- 50 Limo Door Bends (sometimes in six-inch heels)
- 50 Jumps Onto A Slippery Club Table
- 50 Papz Drags (dragging an US Weekly paparazzi attached to your Bentley across a parking lot and back)
- 50 Single-Arm Drink Lifts using a Grey Goose Vodka & Red Bull
- 25 Blackberry Thumb Ups
Paris can do the workout in twenty-two minutes flat. Lindsay has been known to complete two sets back-to-back at twenty-five minutes a piece. Nicole can do the circuit in twenty-one minutes, but she substitutes 50 Dry Heaves for the 50 Single-Arm Drink Lifts. And at her peak, Britney could do the “300 Clubs Workout” in under eighteen minutes. She was a true prodigy!
Here are some super secret celebritard testimonials on the merits of the “300 Clubs Workout”.
Nicole Ritchie – The “300 Clubs Workout” helped to finally get rid of those pesky ethics that normal Celebritard workouts just wouldn’t get rid of.
Kim Kardashian – When I first started out in Hollywood, I was a nobody. Sure I slutted around in mini-skirts and banged my share of low-rent Direct-To-Video producers, but I just wasn’t getting the type of exposure I was looking for. But after transforming myself through the “300 Clubs Workout” I went from ineffectual Paris Hilton plus one, to starring in my very own “fake” publicity-garnering sex tape and getting stalked by the best of the B-list paparazzi. The workout was totally worth giving up my sense of self-worth!
Kimberly Stewart – I couldn’t do the workout. I’m not shitty enough to be a Celebritard, I’m just a waste of space.
Sienna Miller – A lot of people think the reason I’m famous is because I dress like a cheap Carrie Bradshaw, show my tits to anyone with a digital camera and pay magazines to hype my never-before-seen reservoirs of acting talent. But the real truth is my utter devotion to the “300 Clubs Workout”. I would never have been able to convince Jude Law to disrespect himself by shacking up with a no name Tard-In-Training if I didn’t have the loose morals and voracious sexual appetite common to coke whores that I gained by completing the “300 Clubs Workout”. If you want to be known forever as merely “a person famous for being in a relationship with a celebrity, and who also happens to be in a bunch of movies where you show your boobs and hump the whiny Darth Vader” than this workout is for you!
Paris Hilton – The “300 Clubs Workout” is the reason I am the most highly-regarded Celebritard in the entire world! That’s hot!
Tara Reid – Oh yeah, I used to do the “300 Clubs Workout”, but then I found something better. I call it the “300 Botched Plastic Surgeries”. It has done wonders for my career. Can you put down that I’m available for Sweet Sixteen’s and Bar Mitzvah’s? But only if they have an open bar. I’m thinking of going back in training. Thanks!
Lindsay Lohan – Celebritard? THIS! IS! FIRECROTCH!
Bangarang!
(Follow me on Twitter @jasonamatthews)
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Hilarious article. You are right, 300 is an old school training method. But it is pretty darn effective…