Scholastic has released the art for the cover of the zealously anticipated final book from the Harry Potter series, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. It’s cool, it’s gorgeous to look at, and like a frustratingly well-written episode of Lost, it begs more questions than answers. Why is Harry in a Coliseum with shadowy people watching him (is this a knock off of Best of the Best 2?)? Where is his wand? Is the arms spread pose an homage to Daniel Radcliffe’s now infamous onstage nude work? What is the necklace around his neck? Where are Ron and Hermione? If they cast only British actors in the movies, when are they going to get to uber-hot septuagenarian Queen, Helen Mirren?
Those questions all have intriguing answers, to be sure, but none of them concern me. What I want to know is, what is he reaching for? It would seem from the context of the picture that Harry is in the middle of a fight. And if you’ve seen the full wraparound cover (available HERE, and here’s the UK version), you’ll know he’s facing off against Voldemort (holla, Ralph Fiennes, you aeronautical pervert!). So is this a snapshot from the final battle between the two? Are they fighting to the pain, instead of to the death? Are the “Deathly Hallows” merely the name of the place where wizards bear out their final, murderous duel? Or is it just the pet name for Paris Hilton’s vagina? Hopefully, the answers to these questions will be revealed on July 21st when the book hits stores. But until then we can only prognosticate.
I’m going to assume that Harry and Voldemort are both reaching for a wand and that this moment is the crucial turning point in their climactic battle. But for the sake of argument and good fun, I came up with some other possibilities for what Harry might be reaching for. J.K. Rowling is a fine novelist and shrewd intellect, but I bet she’s not clever or daring enough to put a few of these things in ole Harry’s hands.
Things Harry Might Be Reaching For on the Cover of “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows”:
- He’s reaching for a calendar to double check when pre-approved hottie Emma Watson FINALLY turns eighteen (4/15/2008, for all those interested).
- He’s actually checking to see if it’s raining. His hair goes frizzy like Monica Gellar in Jamaica when it rains.
- It’s a boomerang. Ron put on Crocodile Dundee the other day and Harry can’t get Australian culture out of his head. That’s not a wand, THAT’S a wand!
- He’s clearly practicing holding a server tray for his future career. Harry Potter is destined to be a waiter. Probably at Shenanigans, or some such other Office Space-like place that requires their servers to wear 26 pieces of flair.
“Hi, I’m Harry, I’ll be your server tonight. Would you like some water? Accio! There you go.”
“Let me clear these plates for you. Evanesco!”
“A five dollar tip on a $60 dollar bill? Are you kidding me? Avada Kedavra! Dammit, not again…”
- Harry’s doing his best Darth Vader from Empire imitation. “You will never know the power of the Dark Arts!”
- He’s in a Coliseum, so obviously he’s busting out some Shakespeare in the Hogwarts school play. “To be in the sequel, or not to be. That is the question… for my agent.”
- What reaching? He’s just trying to get his Lotus Pose on! (This all started because Harry is a rapid Madonna fan (fav song: “Live To Tell”); ever since the Brit-con Material Girl started taking up yoga, HP’s been doing all he can to look trendy.)
- He’s just showing his frustration over Sanjaya not getting kicked off American Idol. Harry’s a closet Phil Stacey fan (I know!).
- Harry is secretly obsessive compulsive and can’t stand to see the two “T’s” in the title look different. He’s reaching out to try and fix it. Related note: Harry’s favorite muggle TV show: Monk (he secretly prefers Sharona over Natalie. What can you do, he’s British?).
- VOLDEMOOOOORT! (Think Star Trek 2.)
- He’s holding his hand up as a perch for his owl, Hedwig (natch). Side question: If J.K. Rowling had called the owl Hootie, do you think it would have prevented Hootie and the Blowfish singer Darius Rucker from making a horrible second album? Because I was really waiting for him to write another great song about how the Miami Dolphins always suck.
P.S. Screw you, Darius! I get enough headaches trying to root for Ricky Williams to accidentally lose the number of his pot dealer and remember he’s good at football. Not mention the atrocity that is Daunte Culpepper. So I don’t need you making it any worse with your easy listening light rock and affable Southern demeanor.
- He’s reaching for his customized platinum snitch, which is emblazoned with the words “Seeker 4 Life” on it. Harry is nothing if not a big baller.
- Again, not reaching for anything, Harry just can’t stand negative space on book covers, so he put his arm up to create a proper spacial relationship.
- He’s holding up his invisible cell phone, trying to get reception. Unfortunately, there’s no spell powerful enough to overcome Cingular’s shoddy service.
- He’s recreating his favorite moment from Gladiator. “My name is Harry James Potter, commander of Dumbledore’s Army, Student of Hogwarts, loyal servant to the true grand wizard, Albus Dumbledore. Son to a murdered Father, pupil to a murdered Principal. And I will have my vengeance, in this book or the next.”
Bangarang!
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I don’t think preferring Sharona to Natalie has anything to do with being British; it’s more to do with Natalie not being fit to eat Sharona’s toenails, even if she doesn’t come with a son.
And I’m not entirely sure about the whole Emma Watson thing – remember, for every Alyssa Milano and Hayden Panettiere there’s an Olsen twin and Staci Keanan…
You do know that the age of consent in Britain’s sixteen right? :)
I’m just saying…
I do know. I live here. But still.
I’ve got a new one: He’s trying to show the world how Hermione Granger’s “vagine hang like robe of wizard.”
I’m going to assume that Harry and Voldemort are both reaching for a wand and that this moment is the crucial turning point in their climactic battle. But for the sake of argument and good fun, I came up with some other possibilities for what Harry might be reaching for. J.K. Rowling is a fine novelist and shrewd intellect, but I bet she’s not clever or daring enough to put a few of these things in ole Harry’s hands.
Idiot. JK already revealed that since both Harry and Voldemort’s wands are brother wands that share the same core, they can not be used in a duel together. Hence, the whole wands connecting and the golden sphere in the graveyard duel in HP 4. Harry is not reaching for anything on the final book’s cover. He’s summoning wandless magic.
[...] start to finish. As a fan I’m both happy and sad to the see how it ends. And as a movie lover I can’t wait to see what Deathly Hollows will look like on-screen (not to mention Half-Blood Prince). But most of all I am thankful to have had Harry [...]
I’ve read the book and I don’t even know what he’s reaching for. :S
I knows.
Reads the last bit of the book again, childrens.
No, not that last bit. The last interesting bit. …Well, the last important bit, then!
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