Some opportunities you just can’t say no to. Like seven years ago when I ran into Samuel L. Jackson at the San Francisco Airport at 7:30 in the morning on a Tuesday; I just couldn’t pass up the chance to tell him he was robbed for an Oscar for his performance in A Time To Kill. Or that Phantom Menace was, um, not so much (and yes, in case you were wondering, he was wearing a Kangol hat. And black leather pants and jacket. At 7:30 in the morning. What do you want? He’s Sam Muthafuckin’ Jackson!). Or when I had the chance to interview Billy Zabka for PopLoad, and I totally took the opportunity to get him to say Daniel-San was a pussy. There are just some things in life you must do.

One of those things presented itself to me earlier this week. I heard about a marketing stunt being done by MSN TV where they were hosting a Dear Abbey style column featuring the Coreys. Yes, those Coreys. Haim and Feldman. Stars of the international acclaimed films Liscense to Drive, Dream a Little Dream, Michael Jackson Takes A Lover, Drugs Are Bad Mmkay and the TNT not classic National Lampoon’s Scuba School. The stunt is a promotional gimmick to support what appears to be the greatest reality show in the history of human existence, A & E’s “The Coreys: Return of the Lost Boys”, coming this summer to blow our minds. MSN TV is asking people to submit questions to the boys and they will answer them on the site. Getting a chance to drop some Q’s on the Coreys? How could a cynical internet humorist resist? I can’t. It’s just one of things in life you must do.

I’m breaking this questions column up into two parts, one for each Corey (because the stars of Blown Away deserve double billing). These are the questions I submitted for Corey Haim.

To read my questions for Corey Feldman, go HERE.

Ten Questions For Corey Haim

I always liked you better. The Affleck to Feldman’s Damon, you were always more fun to watch (druggies are infinitely more interesting than douchebags). Your movies were cheesier (which is a good thing). Your “acting” was lacking in a way even seminal master of the craft Keanu Reeves could make fun of (an even better trait - gotta support my boy Keanu!). You were the quintessential tragic example of celebrity gone wrong (your E! True Hollywood Story should be taught in acting schools nation-wide. It should be required viewing for every Celebritard than has ever spent anytime at Hyde. Lindsay Lohan should list it as her favorite movie on her MySpace page. Truly you are a sage purveyor of important non-wisdom.). And you were so much easier to look at than Feldman. I’m not saying I wish you were still around, because really, what would we do with you, but I do kind of miss you on-screen. Your direct-to-video work was exemplary; I must have seen Fast Getaway twenty times when I was a kid (I appreciate anyone who gives work to Cynthia Rothrock). Let this be our little secret… I was more stoked for Fast Getaway 2, than I was for Jurassic Park 2. That’s how much I dug the movie. And let’s not even get started on Prayer for the Rollerboys. Half of the reason I was a blader in high school was because of that movie (I really wanted an opportunity to take off Patty Arquette’s panties at a post-apocalyptic Venice Beach rollerblading rave. You lucky bastard. Look what you threw away!). Man, I just don’t know how you screwed it all up so bad. Why didn’t you turn out like Robert Downey Jr. He had to have taken as many drugs as you, but twenty years later he’s still kicking ass as an A-list actor, while you’re jonesing for your second dose of Methadone at the Toronto Free Clinic, desperately hoping someone rented The Lost Boys so you could get the .84 cent residual check and buy some Hostess Zingers. Why didn’t you star opposite Val Kilmer in Kiss Kiss Bang Bang? Why didn’t you woo famed leprechaun actor Calista Flockhart in the unwatchable final seasons of Ally McBeal? Why haven’t you at least considered Prayer of the Rollerboys 2: Pray Harder?

So many questions… I truly hope you can right the ship, Corey. And I’ll be keeping an eye on the cable stations every so often, hoping I catch your scragged out face underacting opposite Jeff Fahey or some other such washed up B-lister in a grade-Z DTV flick just like old times. I know why Feldman didn’t survive (he sucks), but one of these days I hope to find out why you didn’t (my early suspicion? You suck too.).

To the questions!

1. What happened to your face man? Did you go to the same plastic surgeon as Mark Hamill? Or Tara Reid? Maybe The Joker? Gosh. Even Courtney Love is like “Dang, what happened to Lucas?”

2. Who nailed Nicole Eggert more on Blown Away, you or Feldman? Yeah, it was you! Baywatch babes don’t bump uglies with pug-looking a-holes. Follow up question: How bummed were you that you cast Eggert before she got breast implants? The movie would have made at least $80 bucks more if you had some Charles in Charge plastic boobage on display. It also would have made more money if it was any good at all. Just, you know, by the by.

3. You once got to pull the panties off noted television psychic and former Alabama Worley, Patricia Arquette, in your (secretly kick ass) rollerblading movie Prayer of the Rollerboys. Tell me, did she ever use her psychic powers to predict that you’d go so bonkers with drugs and ruin your (not really) promising acting career to the point where you’d be begging COREY FELDMAN for some direct-to-DVD cameo love? And if she did, dude, why did you not heed her psychic words? Alabama Worley is never wrong!

4. Cynthia Rothrock. Did you hit it? Did she hit you?

5. Do you ever watch Grey’s Anatomy and think how much you want to violently destroy Patrick Dempsey for stealing the big comeback you so richly don’t deserve? Follow up question: if you were on Grey’s Anatomy, what do you think your “Mc” nickname would be? Dr. McDruggy? Dr. McDouchebag? No, it would be Dr. McUgly, wouldn’t it? Yeah, that’s the one.

6. Why haven’t you called in a favor from Keifer Sutherland and gotten yourself a role on 24? After all, he helped out C.Thomas Howell, and that guy sucks almost as much as you (Side Out, notwithstanding)!

7. Heather Graham. Please tell me you hit that. And, if so, did she wear rollerskates to bed?

8. Who’d you piss off not to get invited onto The Surreal Life? Even stupid Balki Bartokomus got on there and he’s done even less to benefit cinema than you (Meego, notwithstanding).

9. What do these numbers have in common? “24” “62.87” “0” “14.50” and “-7.49”? They’re the grosses of your last five movies. Just thought you might want to know. Yeah, the moneymen for Snowboard Academy might be looking to get a refund from you.

10. How much do you remember from the 90’s? Eight days? A combined four months? Do you even know what The Matrix is? Maybe your former colleague, global megastar Keanu Reeves can explain it to you.

Whoa.

Bangarang!

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Some opportunities you just can’t say no to. Like seven years ago when I ran into Samuel L. Jackson at the San Francisco Airport at 7:30 in the morning on a Tuesday; I just couldn’t pass up the chance to tell him he was robbed for an Oscar for his performance in A Time To Kill. Or that Phantom Menace was, um, not so much (and yes, in case you were wondering, he was wearing a Kangol hat. And black leather pants and jacket. At 7:30 in the morning. What do you want? He’s Sam Muthafuckin’ Jackson!). Or when I had the chance to interview Billy Zabka for PopLoad, , and I totally took the opportunity to get him to say Daniel-San was a pussy. There are just some things in life you must do.

One of those things presented itself to me earlier this week. I heard about a marketing stunt being done by MSN TV where they were hosting a Dear Abbey style column featuring the Coreys. Yes, those Coreys. Haim and Feldman. Stars of the international acclaimed films Liscense to Drive, Dream a Little Dream, Michael Jackson Takes A Lover, Drugs Are Bad Mmkay and the TNT not classic National Lampoon’s Scuba School. The stunt is a promotional gimmick to support what appears to be the greatest reality show in the history of human existence, A & E’s “The Coreys: Return of the Lost Boys”, coming this summer to blow our minds. MSN TV is asking people to submit questions to the boys and they will answer them on the site. Getting a chance to drop some Q’s on the Coreys? How could a cynical internet humorist resist? I can’t. It’s just one of things in life you must do.

I’m breaking this questions column up into two parts, one for each Corey (because the stars of Blown Away deserve double billing). These are the questions I submitted for Corey Feldman.

To read my questions for Corey Haim, go HERE.

Ten Questions For Corey Feldman

Oh, Corey Feldman, how long I’ve waiting to grill you on your career. The rise, the fall, the MJ period, your inexplicable hookup with Vanessa Marcil, a girl so out of your league they haven’t even invented the sport she plays, your legendary assholish stint on The Surreal Life, why you seem intent on running into me at random locations in The Valley wearing only flannel pajama pants and a ripped t-shirt, and most of all, how someone so pug-faced, obnoxious and patently unlikeable could have had such an illustrious career (assuming you can consider Meatballs 4, The burbs and Lipstick Camera, illustrious). Thank you for taking the time to answer my questions. I hope your comeback is gratifying, financially successful and most of all, extremely short-lived. You suck, Corey Feldman. You truly, truly suck.

To the questions!

1. Who was more stoned on the set of “Dream A Little Dream”, you, Haim or the writer? Because that shit made no sense!

2. How was the airtime divided between you and Haim for your joint E! True Hollywood Story? Did you do best of seven rock, paper, scissors? Did you flip a coin? Was there a hair-gel off? Or, like, first to not O.D. on illegal Mexican horse tranquilizers gets the right of first refusal on the lead segment? Inquiring minds want to know.

3. How bummed were you that Chris O’Donnell stole the role of Robin in Batman Forever from you? Did you have to add nipples to your Michael Jackson suit just to calm your bruised ego?

4. Speaking of the king of pop, do you and Macauley Culkin ever meet to have a good cry together?

5. Does Jerry O’Connell ever call you up and just start laughing? Don’t fret though, maybe he can get you a part on his hit primetime network drama. Or as the stunt double for the kangaroo in Kangaroo Jack 2. Or maybe his bangin’ supermodel fiancée can set you up with a heavyset girlfriend with a great personality. The O’Connell’s are known for their generosity (and skeeviness).

6. Do you remember an incident about ten years ago where you almost got hit by a car in the parking lot of Ralph’s off of Reseda and Devonshire in Northridge, CA? And then someone stuck his head out the window and yelled “Wassup, Dinger?” And you practically recoiled in disgust and bolted off? Yeah, that was me. Sorry about almost killing you. And for mistaking your character name from Dream A Little Dream. Next time I try to cripple you with my two-ton automobile I’ll be sure to reference one of your actual roles. Maybe Mouth from The Goonies? Or you could choose.

7. What’s it like to be thought of as the most obnoxious has been celebrity in the history of The Surreal Life? And seriously dude, I know you suck and all, but how is that even possible? You were up against the likes of pantheon douchebags Vanilla Ice, Tawny Kitaen, Jose Canseco and Dave Coulier. Truly this must be a career low for you. Even lower than playing second fiddle to Marc fraking Dascascos in the maligned Crow TV show.

8. How can someone so ugly have such a long career? The 80’s were a strange, awful time for aesthetics.

9. You were the lamest Ninja Turtle. That’s not a question, I just wanted you to know. Even dumbass Michelangelo was cooler than you. Seriously. I can’t stress enough how bad an actor you are. Like Sanjaya bad.

10. What color is Michael Jackson’s penis? Is it taupe? It has to be taupe, right?

Goonies never say die!

Bangarang!

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Sometimes it’s OK to be wrong. Those times are when you thought someone didn’t like you and it turns out they did. Or when you assumed a movie would be terrible and you actually ended up enjoying it. Or when you don’t think you’ll find the right type of internet porn for your particular mood and then BAM, the internet comes through like a perverted champ. Or, in the case of American Idol, when the collective stupidity and hostility of the American voting public awakens to their own absurdity and end the reign of the long national nightmare named Sanjaya Malakar. If I had to be wrong AGAIN, I was glad to be wrong last week. It’s not ironic when I say this: Sanjaya out!

I’m not an insensitive person. I can appreciate people trying to do good. But something just rings a touch… false about Idol Gives Back. Maybe it’s the thunderous corporate sponsorship whoring. Or that the show itself is so superficial that the mere idea of them striving for depth and meaning is patently ludicrous. Or that we were a wacky water cooler hairdo from Sanjaya playing a part in this farce gala. But I just can’t seem to get behind the hoopla. It all seems so… fake. Ryan Seacrest is not Anderson Cooper, as much he wants so badly to be. And Paula and Randy don’t exactly strike me as people who care about anything beyond their wardrobe and residual rate. Simon comes across as the only real sincere person up there, and that’s because his frigid public persona has more emotional places to go than a former pop star and the bassist for Journey. But seeing Simon marvel at a food bank only goes so far. I hope I’m awed by the charity of the stars in tomorrow’s big benefit concert, but I’m leery. Here’s hoping I don’t throw up in my mouth the first time Ryan mugs for the cameras with some poor starving African child. This is American Idol, indeed. (blech)

But ANYWAY…. On to the bloop bloop review.

I liked that there was no mentor, as it would only have dragged down the pace of the show. Not to mention seeming quite tacky. However, I was really hoping to see Blake work with Bono. The level of potential awesomeness would be nearly unparalleled (the only thing that could top it would be Melinda dueting with Aretha, which I still think may happen in the finale). Hopefully I’ll get my wish tomorrow night. I enjoyed all the performances for then most part. The theme helps calm the Idol contestants down. They tone down the theatrics and just sing, which is a welcome reprieve after the vocal rollercoasters that were Latin and Country week. If we get solid performance nights for the rest of the season, this may go down as the best season of American Idol ever. Despite the Universe of Sanjaya.

As stated before, I’ve decided to recap the show week-to-week and grade the singers on a sliding scale of how much I wanted to, or did, TiVo-bloop through the song. At the end of each recap I’ll make my pick for who should (and hopefully will) get the axe on the Wednesday night results show.

Let’s break it down, bloop bloop style!

1. Melinda Doolittle – She’s not even competing on the show anymore. She’s on such a different level of the rest of the singers that it’s not even funny. She looked like she’s been ruling the stage for twenty years. That was a pro doing a pro’s work. Absolutely flawless, powerful, emotional, STRONG performance. Compliments don’t do her justice. If she isn’t making records twenty-five years from now something went horribly wrong. This girl will be THE voice for some time. She’s putting on a clinic and her skills are free. Did I bloop her? Sha, right!

2. Jordin Sparks – Blake may have been officially penciled out of the finale with that performance. I wasn’t as over the moon as the judges (really Randy, the best in six seasons? Carrie and Fantasia are gonna bitch slap you for that shit.), but I was impressed. I liked her tone, her control, her fantastic final note, and thought she looked beautiful. The package may not be as polished as Melinda, but what’s inside is just as rich. Aside from Melinda, who at this point is really just warming up for her World Domination Tour, Jordin is the only Idol contestant actually gunning for the win. She seems to be getting better, where as Blake seems to be hitting a plateau. If she can keep up these bloop free performances I think she has a real shot at the finale.

3. Blake Lewis – Blake must really be the chosen one if the Idol producers went out on got him a John Lennon song. Too bad it wasn’t really worth the money. Simon was completely on the nose with his criticisms; “Imagine” is canon, and Lennon is to male Idol contestants and Mariah and Celine are to female Idol contestants. Blake was never going to compare favorably to the ex-Beatle, so his only recourse was to be as sincere and schmoopy as possible. And he succeeded in that regard. But I found the performance bland, boring and flat. And I was slightly offended by his outfit. You want to sing a song of that caliber on a theme night like that, you have to dress to impress. Blake looked like he was going to the club, instead of performing on a benefit show. Tacky, son. One-bloop’s worth of tacky. And I wouldn’t even mention this but I took Chris to task for it, what was with Blake looking down after every line? Is that his “sincere” pose? Is it just a bad performance habit? Why aren’t these kids learning to control their amateur bullshit? We’re four months into the competition!

4. Phil Stacey – The show was called Idol Gives Back tonight. And yet Phil declines to give back by covering his ginormous alien noggin. Stingy bastard. Phil Stacey hates poor people. True story. He also hates our eardrums, because there he goes again slaughtering a bunch of defenseless low notes. A week after he got praised for going country and he botches a Garth Brooks song. Unbelievable. Send the Bat Boy home. Or at the very least, double bloop his draggy, sludge-filled vocal. Simon is right, Phil doesn’t have a bad voice, per se, he has bad tone. If he had song the way he sang last week he’d be rubbing shoulders with Melinda up top. But the tone choice he went with sounded like a second-rate Michael Bolton. And Michael Bolton is a no-talent ass clown, so Phil wasn’t exactly starting from a great place.

5. LaKisha Jones – Again with Lakisha yoinking an Idol’s song? This type of musical thievery is punishable by death in certain cultures. I’m just saying (Did you notice that even Randy and Paula pointed this out? When you can’t bank on Randy and Paula for support, it’s time to change tactics.). Well, at least the song was in her wheelhouse. She still doesn’t look connected to the show, but she did sound better than she has in the last month. The right wardrobe, nice hair, classy performance, if a touch shouty (just saying…). And I still wanted to bloop the hell out of her.

6. Chris Richardson – Stop bopping your head! That better be an unconscious nervous tick, because if it’s not, then dude, you need to get right. Everytime you tic away from the mic it only serves to show pull you out of the emotions of the song. And when you’re taking on a voice of the emotional magnitude of Eric Clapton, you have to focus hard. Let me put it this way, if Chris had sung Layla the way he sang Change the World he would have been booed off the stage. And I think the judges let all this crap slide because of the brouhaha that went down last week, vis-à-vis Virginia Tech. That was a double-bloop performance. I don’t care if Simon, Paula and Randy want to gift him some slack, Chris needs to do much better because once we kick off Bat Boy, were coming for his nasally, buzz-cut head.

Bottom Three: LaKisha Jones, Chris Richardson, Phil Stacey

My prediction for who gets the axe: Chris Richardson

The Jay’s Prediction Record: 2 for 6 (a measly 33% - I gotta right my prediction ship)

Bangarang!

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As former President Franklin Delano Roosevelt once said, “Today is a day that will live in infamy”. April 20th has become a sacred day for many “arboreal-minded” peoples. While they have the option of partaking in the fine art of… doobeying on any day, today is the day that it is required; the only mandatory session of the year. It’s the one day of the year that potheads will bend to the iron fist of capitalism. It’s a day for fun and hijinks and Hostess overload and worshipping at the altar of the Domino’s Pizza Delivery guy. Unfortunately, it’s also a day of watching lame “pot” movies. I wouldn’t have the day any other way except for the last part.

I’m not offended as someone who occasionally enjoys his share of herbal refreshment. I’m offended by someone who loves movies. For whatever reason, an unofficial list of stoner approved movies has passed through the generations. A list of titles that you are obligated to choose from should you be in a “right” state of mind. Here’s a portion of that list: A Clockwork Orange, Wizard of Oz, Old School, Half Baked, Dazed and Confused, The Big Lebowski, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, anything with Jessica Alba in it (who knows why on this one). While that’s a fine group of flicks, I don’t know why any rational pothead would want to enjoy their high while watching any of them.

There are ten rules for determining what makes a truly great 4/20-worthy movie. Every movie on the list of traditional stoner movies violates at one least one or more rule. I’ve just gotten fed up with poser stoners trying to dictate what we should watch. So I decided to post the ten rules in an attempt to end this charade of bad situational-entertainment. After writing the ten rules and analyzing every movie ever made against these rules, I discovered that there is only one move that passes muster. Only one movie that can truly stand up as the Best Movie To Watch When You’re High.

I will reveal that movie at the end of this post.

So for all you wannabe bandwagon 4/20-ers, all you Ethan Hawke in Reality Bites hangers-on, all you Wooderson clones, and for anyone else who has ever gotten baked and picked up the DVD remote, shut your lips and learn. Cause I’m about to take you to stoner film school. I’m putting on a clinic, and my high times are free.

The Ten Rules For Picking The Best Movie To Watch On 4/20

Rule #1: No Action Movies

While it’s fun to look at the pretty orange explosions, and completely nonsensical to watch two grown men with their shirts off punching each other in the face, most stoners will tell you that action = violence and violence = paranoia. And NOBODY wants to be paranoid when they’re high. Especially if you’re watching one of those “The Government is out to get Will Smith and the only way he can save himself is to blow shit up and run through a tunnel in a bathrobe while the camera shakes around like the DP for Blair Witch Project got a lucky break. And oh yeah, is that Earl Hickey getting creamed by a bus? I knew that karma stuff was bogus.” Or any action movie starring Jason Statham (British people are hard enough to understand when you’re sober. Also, Crank might be the absolute WORST movie to watch high. Not even Amy Smart’s tits could make that jerky, frenzy-fuck of a movie easy to sit through. Peace brother, indeed.).

Rule #2: No Science-Fiction or Fantasy, Those Movies Are Crazy Enough Without The Weed

Watching a sci-fi movie while high will lead to one of two distinct possibilities. 1. You get really confused as to why a fey, gold-painted robot is paling around with a light-up trash can that can hack super computers, and you’re head starts to hurt, or 2. You start to believe that whatever is happening on screen could really happen or IS actually happening right now and you immediately run outside to see if Jennifer Lopez is wearing a red licorice body suit and is trying to hack into your mind so she can pet your scary brain-horse (that movie is MESSED up, no matter what state of mind you are in).

Rule #3: High Comedy Is Only Funny When It’s Your High Comedy

When you’re high, nothing is as funny as what’s coming out of your mouth, so how could you truly appreciate a movie like Old School or Van Wilder. “Stoner” comedies are especially poor choices as the humor from those movies is derived by people acting like they’re high, but since YOU are high those actions seem normal and therefore are not funny.

Rule #4: Foreign Movies Are A More Intense Experience

Have you ever tried to read when you’re high? It’s nigh on impossible. Which makes having to read sub-titles that much more intense an experience. As well, people talking a language you don’t know are trippy. Confusion leads to you feeling like you are higher than you actually are, which makes you feel that much happier about your decision to be high.

Rule #5: No Movies About Mistreated Food

Why would you want to watch a movie that speaks ill of the very thing you want most in the world at that moment? How is American Pie fun to watch when all you feel is sadness that they destroyed a perfectly good apple pie? Other movies that won’t work: Waiting, Fast Food Nation, the foodfight scene in Hook, Super Size Me, or anything with Rosie O’Donnell.

Rule #6: Unfortunately, T & A Are Not Your Friends Here

Looking at boobs when you’re high only serves to remind you that there are no boobs in the room with you. Instead of going out and finding boobs, you are stuck on your couch trying to put your hand through the TV. Don’t watch anything that will remind you of what you don’t have. Also, I’ve been told that pot leads to ED, which means masturbation is out of the question when you’re high. Why limit your options, or make you depressed that even if you had real boobs in front of you, that you couldn’t do anything about it? Sorry Porn, you’re staying on the internet where you belong.

Rule #7: The Movie Has To Be Pseudo-Philosophical

Every stoner thinks they’re secretly a genius and that everything out of their mouth is on the level of Socrates speaking of sands pouring through an hourglass (such are the days of our lives…). Watching a movie that has philosophical elements is the perfect way to placate a stoner’s delusions of intellectual grandeur. If a movie makes a pothead do what Kuato pleads Arnold to do in Total Recall (that would be to “open your mind”; but I would add to that “open your mind… and go hit on the chick with three boobs”), then it’s on course to becoming The Best Movie To Watch On 4/20.

Rule #8: No Sports

When has any stoner ever thought about playing sports, EVER (other than Michael Vick)? That’s what I thought. So skip McConaughey in We Are Marshall and cue up something like Failure To Launch instead (at least then you can make “Sarah Jessica Parker is a horsey” jokes.

Rule #9: Swords Are Cool, Don’t Forget That

True story. If swords play an integral part in the movie, then all the better. Plus it gives you the opportunity to stage a full on recreation of the SNL Sean Connery Celebrity Jeopardy skit. I’ll take “Swords” for 5,000!

Rule #10: Any Movie About Law Enforcement, Prison, Addiction, Or Parental Guilt Is Off-Limits

The Shawshank Redemption is all kinds of awesome, but not on 4/20. Watching a movie about jail only serves to remind you that pot is illegal and you could very easily be switching places with Tim Robbins should some opportunistic cop try to get the jump on his monthly misdemeanor quota. And as much as we may enjoy movies where parents disprove of the hero’s life choices only to come around at the end and accept the fact that Adam Sandler really is a good father for that untalented munchkin who currently infects the Disney Channel, why watch a movie that reminds you that you’re parents would probably not like what you’re doing right now. Guilt is the worst emotion a stoner can feel.

So, after careful consideration of all these rules, and a thorough examination of the entirety of the known world’s film catalog, I have come to the determination that the one film that stands above the rest as The Best Movie To Watch On 4/20 is…

The Joy Luck Club!

You got a foreign language, sub-titles, swords, enticing Asian food, Ming-Na Wen at her most pre-Mulan coolest, discussions about living life under a communist regime and breaking away to pursue democracy, no sports whatsoever, a random Andrew McCarthy reference and best of all, an open invitation to discuss Pat Morita’s rightful place in the pantheon of pop culture. Plus, the movie is nearly impossible to sit through when you’re sober, so this is the perfect time to bang out one of those “great movies” you’re always putting off because you have better things to do than take the two hours to watch the generational struggle of four women from China who come to America to give their daughters a better way of life (and let one of them bang Andrew McCarthy).

So today, as you honor this absurd national holiday and sit down to enjoy a quality stoner flick, I implore you to heed the rules of choice and watch the only right movie for this day, The Joy Luck Club.

Happy 4/20!

Bangarang!

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Well I guess I know nothing. Yes, Haley was the least talented of all the contestants, but I never thought she’d be kicked off on Latin week. I guess it just goes to show that America would rather watch creepy bald aliens dreary there way through B-list Santana joints than ogle a pretty cool who tries hard. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a Canadian citizenship test to study for.

A solid singing show overall last night. Country Week always goes over well because the songs don’t require much extra energy. You just go out there and belt. For the most part the songs are easy to sing (no big notes for small voices or vice versa), you know the Idols are only choosing well-known songs, so the crowd and the audience at home are always into it. And the fact of the matter is that the primary audience for this show is country music fans. That’s why Carrie Underwood is a franchise, Bo Bice will have a career till he weeds himself to death, and why Kelli Pickler is paid handsomely to look stupid, sound OK, and keep her deliriously fake boobs as high on her chest as she can. Country music sells in this country and Idols are an easy sell to the Country Music crowd.

The irony of the week is that Phil sounded great. Probably the most pitch-perfect male vocal of the night (not that he had much competition other than Blake). Had he done ANYTHING to dampen the alien head I would have put green money down that he’d be safe tonight. But since Chris reached out to the Virginia Tech kids and America loves a penitent man, he’ll be safe. Sanjaya was obviously the worst of the night (everything the judges said about him was true, despite him being so clever), but his crapiness will be overshadowed by the bitchfest between Simon and Ryan. People will keep Sanjaya around just to see more in-fighting between the talent. And as for Blake, well, forget it, it’s Blake! He’s not going anywhere.

As for the Mentor of the Week, Martina McBride, watching her I couldn’t get that one Rocky IV quote out of my head. “He doesn’t know it’s an exhibition. He thinks it’s a damn fight.” Could she have BEEN more serious about her role? I thought she gave some fairly sage advice, but was way too humorless about it. She’s dealing with Sanjaya Malakar, the girl has GOT to lighten up! Maybe her dog died and her boyfriend cheated on her and her pick up truck just broke down and she’s halfway through writing her next hit record and she’s just feeling that pain. Or I’ve watching too many bad country music videos. Either way, she did nothing to endear me to her talent or to her music.

But ANYWAY…. On to the bloop review.

As stated before, I’ve decided to recap the show week-to-week and grade the singers on a sliding scale of how much I wanted to, or did, TiVo-bloop through the song. At the end of each recap I’ll make my pick for who should (and hopefully will) get the axe on the Wednesday night results show.

Let’s break it down, bloop bloop style!

1. Melinda Doolittle – That’s how an American Idol takes care of business. Vibrant, wildly entertaining, fun, gorgeous and technically perfect; pick one or all of them, it doesn’t matter because Melinda was all those things and more. She might even have been sexy. I’m not sure, but those hair extensions and the halter top we’re doing some confusing things to my bathing suit area. I feel like Randy Jackson a bit, because that was hot! I didn’t even LOOK at my remote during that performance.

2. Jordin Sparks – I love it when an Idol chooses to sing a sung originally done by the mentor of the week, and you can see on the mentors face how much they hate it. Martina McBride may be a great singer, but she’s a horrible actress. Girl cannot hide the hate. Unfortunately for Martina, Jordin rocks the eff out of the song. Whoever took her backstage and told her to pick it up deserves a large cash reward. Jordin finally looked interested and passionate again. Great song choice, wonderful vocal, she looked beautiful, and the performance itself was poised, controlled and thoroughly enjoyable to watch. No bloops for Jordin Sparks tonight. If she sings like this for the rest of the competition Melinda and Blake are gonna have some serious problems.

3. Blake Lewis – First things first, I LOVE the song “When the Stars Go Blue”. I love the Corrs version (with Bono) and I love the Ryan Adams version I recently found online. Added to that, I’m a huge Blake Lewis fan. So I had HIGH expectations for this performance. They were not entirely met. I didn’t hate it and I didn’t love it. I think he struggled with the editing in the beginning and was only really comfortable when he took the mic off the stand and moved around a little. I liked the chorus (but then again the chorus is so good, even Sanjaya couldn’t fuck it up.), but wasn’t loving the intervening verses. However, he looked great, he sounded better than nearly everyone else, the stage itself looked great with all the stars on the floor, and really, he sang one of my favorite songs. He’s not getting anything more than one-bloop for singing “When the Stars Go Blue”, I just wished he had done something more with it.

4. Phil Stacey – Alright, who let the alien back onto the stage? If ever there was a way to make me hate country music more, the return of Alien Phil Head would do the trick. NOT a good way to begin the Idol week. The genre itself actually does good things for Phil’s voice. All the notes are in a medium register, which means Phil’s isn’t dipping into his creepy range. He sounds even, on pitch and exactly like every other male country singer I have ever heard. Which is to say, it was technically OK, but I still felt nothing. The problem for Phil is that the herd has been thinned and he’s the only one that can’t keep up anymore. For the vocal, it was merely a one-bloop, but even that upswing in quality won’t be enough to save him. On his best week, he gets the boot. Idol is a cruel, cruel beast. (Oh, and just a note to whomever it was in the audience that had the sign “Hats Off, Phil!” Unless you come from the planet Quarthos, or some other distant race of non-Earthlings, do not ever, EVER (!), encourage Phil to go out in public without a hat. This country has survived enough horrors lately.)

5. Chris Richardson – The problem that Chris is facing is that he patently refuses to change his look to suit the genre, and that refusal is probably going to cost him a week or two on the show. When’s he doing country, Latin, 60’s, whatever, he looks the same. And he fidgets like he’s gonna bust out a wicked run, even when the song doesn’t call for it. I need to see him adapt to the song. Right now he’s just too one note for me. I’ve never wanted to see Justin Timberlake do country, and I doubt anyone else has either; Chris did nothing to change my mind. Boring, fidgety, off-key, dispassionate and full on double-bloop worthy. He’s definitely bottom three this week.

6. LaKisha Jones – The gumption of this woman, again stealing the thunder of past Idols! I know Carrie Underwood. I’m friends with Carrie Underwood. And LaKisha, you are no Carrie Underwood. LaKisha was pitchy, underwhelming and the big note wasn’t even that great. I’ve been over this girl for weeks now, and I think the judges are finally agreeing with me. If she stopped trying to ape better singers that we have more affinity for, she might actually develop a voice and personality I could grow to like. An easy double-bloop decision for me.

7. Sanjaya Malakar – Another VERY clever performance by the pet rock. He goes for another watercooler hairdo, and chooses a song everyone knows and likes to sing along to, which means we’ll overlook the now expected limp vocal, and sing along with him instead of hearing how bad he is. He had the sex eyes on full-board predator mode, he did the dancing behind the judges bit, and he strutted across the stage knowing full well he wasn’t going anywhere. Confidence goes a long way on this show, and Sanjaya has it in spades. I’m disappointed that he degraded since last week. I was hoping he might actually become a real contestant and not some showboating publicity hound, but it looks like he’s going to test the waters of his own dubious popularity. Well to that I say: “Welcome to the universe of Triple-Bloop”.

Bottom Three: Sanjaya Malakar, Chris Richardson, Phil Stacey

My prediction for who gets the axe: Phil Stacey (Phil Stacey phone home!)

The Jay’s Prediction Record: 2 for 5 (40%)

Bangarang!

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