Celebrity Tax Deductions

In honor of the most hectic day of the year for crazy, on-the-VT-edge postal workers (too soon?), I dug through the garbage bins of the Beverly Hills branch of H & R Block and found a slew of Celebrity Tax Forms. I’m ommitted a lot of the information (such as Paris Hilton listing her occupation as “princess”), but I will reveal some of the more, shall we say, ludicrous things that celebrities try to deduct on their taxes. You’d think for the all the money they make and free schwag they’re given that they wouldn’t need to even itemize their deductions, but apparently stars are just as stingy as us plebes.

Enjoy the list, and make sure to get that envelope post-dated. You do not want to end up sharing a cell with Joe Francis (I hear he cries himself to sleep, but that’s what happens when you have an extremely painful level 10 strain of genital herpes and no soul).

2006 Celebrity Tax Deductions:

Lindsay Lohan: $14,000 for crotch extinguishers

Helen Hunt: $9,000 for forehead wax (and it’s put to good use)

Simon Cowell: $3000 for super-tight, v-necked black t-shirts, and $5500 for being forced to fill out such a goddawful form (he wrote in the margin “What? Is? This? This form is cabaret. It’s the worst form I have ever filled out. Other door.”)

Matthew McConaughey: $62,420 for acting-enhancing supplements (note: this is code for “weed”)

Shia LaBeouf: $100,000 in unmarked, small denomination bills, used as bribery money to the head of DreamWorks Pictures.

Mel Gibson: $50,000 charitable donation to the Museum of Tolerance (I call shenanigans on this one. Attention IRS, this is tax fraud.)

Renee Zellweger: $5,000 for face scrunch upkeep (a job-related write-off)

Nicole Richie: $7.50 for food-related costs (she went to In-N-Out one time in June last year)

Katie Holmes: No deductions, but did attach a Scientology Center-emblazoned post-it note that read “I’ll give you anything you want, just come save me. Please…”

James Caviziel: TOTAL WRITE-OFF (after all, he is the Jesus!)

Britney Spears: Audited for deducting $50,000 for “bikini waxes”. The IRS eventually dropped the audit, sent her $50 bucks, and told her to buy some underwear and never bother them again.

Jon Mayer: $1 Million US government-sanctioned payout for keeping Jessica Simpson out of the limelight (this is worth its weight in whiny white boy angst music gold)

Scarlet Johansson: $4,000,000 deduction for the time spent doing sexy photo shoots that resulted in 13 million “first sexual experiences” by our nation’s male children.

Morgan Freeman: $11,000 for narration-related expenses.

Keifer Sutherland: Deep into a drunken rage (otherwise known as Tuesday), Kiefer went straight down to the Federal office, shot 17 IRS agents, defused 6 nuclear weapons, and demanded a $1,000,000 tax refund. The IRS gave him $2,000,000 and backed away very slowly.

Barry Bonds: Attempted to deduct $700,000 in miscellaneous job related deductions. The IRS told him to go fuck himself and to “buy some bigger hats, roid head” (the IRS are Dodgers fans, as they should be).

Owen Wilson: $17050.22 for blonde shag upkeep, $26,540 for collected Butterscotch Stallion costs (mostly just more butterscotch)

Ed Norton: $800 billion deduction for illegal, untested steroids to get into proper shape to play the Incredible Hulk. Apparently, as smart as he is, he didn’t realize the Hulk would be in CGI. Norton just assumed Eric Bana was that ripped (This isn’t so hard to believe).

Keanu Reeves: Deducted Eleventy Billion Dollars for entertainment services rendered.

Bangarang!

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