As former President Franklin Delano Roosevelt once said, “Today is a day that will live in infamy”. April 20th has become a sacred day for many “arboreal-minded” peoples. While they have the option of partaking in the fine art of… doobeying on any day, today is the day that it is required; the only mandatory session of the year. It’s the one day of the year that potheads will bend to the iron fist of capitalism. It’s a day for fun and hijinks and Hostess overload and worshipping at the altar of the Domino’s Pizza Delivery guy. Unfortunately, it’s also a day of watching lame “pot” movies. I wouldn’t have the day any other way except for the last part.

I’m not offended as someone who occasionally enjoys his share of herbal refreshment. I’m offended by someone who loves movies. For whatever reason, an unofficial list of stoner approved movies has passed through the generations. A list of titles that you are obligated to choose from should you be in a “right” state of mind. Here’s a portion of that list: A Clockwork Orange, Wizard of Oz, Old School, Half Baked, Dazed and Confused, The Big Lebowski, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, anything with Jessica Alba in it (who knows why on this one). While that’s a fine group of flicks, I don’t know why any rational pothead would want to enjoy their high while watching any of them.

There are ten rules for determining what makes a truly great 4/20-worthy movie. Every movie on the list of traditional stoner movies violates at one least one or more rule. I’ve just gotten fed up with poser stoners trying to dictate what we should watch. So I decided to post the ten rules in an attempt to end this charade of bad situational-entertainment. After writing the ten rules and analyzing every movie ever made against these rules, I discovered that there is only one move that passes muster. Only one movie that can truly stand up as the Best Movie To Watch When You’re High.

I will reveal that movie at the end of this post.

So for all you wannabe bandwagon 4/20-ers, all you Ethan Hawke in Reality Bites hangers-on, all you Wooderson clones, and for anyone else who has ever gotten baked and picked up the DVD remote, shut your lips and learn. Cause I’m about to take you to stoner film school. I’m putting on a clinic, and my high times are free.

The Ten Rules For Picking The Best Movie To Watch On 4/20

Rule #1: No Action Movies

While it’s fun to look at the pretty orange explosions, and completely nonsensical to watch two grown men with their shirts off punching each other in the face, most stoners will tell you that action = violence and violence = paranoia. And NOBODY wants to be paranoid when they’re high. Especially if you’re watching one of those “The Government is out to get Will Smith and the only way he can save himself is to blow shit up and run through a tunnel in a bathrobe while the camera shakes around like the DP for Blair Witch Project got a lucky break. And oh yeah, is that Earl Hickey getting creamed by a bus? I knew that karma stuff was bogus.” Or any action movie starring Jason Statham (British people are hard enough to understand when you’re sober. Also, Crank might be the absolute WORST movie to watch high. Not even Amy Smart’s tits could make that jerky, frenzy-fuck of a movie easy to sit through. Peace brother, indeed.).

Rule #2: No Science-Fiction or Fantasy, Those Movies Are Crazy Enough Without The Weed

Watching a sci-fi movie while high will lead to one of two distinct possibilities. 1. You get really confused as to why a fey, gold-painted robot is paling around with a light-up trash can that can hack super computers, and you’re head starts to hurt, or 2. You start to believe that whatever is happening on screen could really happen or IS actually happening right now and you immediately run outside to see if Jennifer Lopez is wearing a red licorice body suit and is trying to hack into your mind so she can pet your scary brain-horse (that movie is MESSED up, no matter what state of mind you are in).

Rule #3: High Comedy Is Only Funny When It’s Your High Comedy

When you’re high, nothing is as funny as what’s coming out of your mouth, so how could you truly appreciate a movie like Old School or Van Wilder. “Stoner” comedies are especially poor choices as the humor from those movies is derived by people acting like they’re high, but since YOU are high those actions seem normal and therefore are not funny.

Rule #4: Foreign Movies Are A More Intense Experience

Have you ever tried to read when you’re high? It’s nigh on impossible. Which makes having to read sub-titles that much more intense an experience. As well, people talking a language you don’t know are trippy. Confusion leads to you feeling like you are higher than you actually are, which makes you feel that much happier about your decision to be high.

Rule #5: No Movies About Mistreated Food

Why would you want to watch a movie that speaks ill of the very thing you want most in the world at that moment? How is American Pie fun to watch when all you feel is sadness that they destroyed a perfectly good apple pie? Other movies that won’t work: Waiting, Fast Food Nation, the foodfight scene in Hook, Super Size Me, or anything with Rosie O’Donnell.

Rule #6: Unfortunately, T & A Are Not Your Friends Here

Looking at boobs when you’re high only serves to remind you that there are no boobs in the room with you. Instead of going out and finding boobs, you are stuck on your couch trying to put your hand through the TV. Don’t watch anything that will remind you of what you don’t have. Also, I’ve been told that pot leads to ED, which means masturbation is out of the question when you’re high. Why limit your options, or make you depressed that even if you had real boobs in front of you, that you couldn’t do anything about it? Sorry Porn, you’re staying on the internet where you belong.

Rule #7: The Movie Has To Be Pseudo-Philosophical

Every stoner thinks they’re secretly a genius and that everything out of their mouth is on the level of Socrates speaking of sands pouring through an hourglass (such are the days of our lives…). Watching a movie that has philosophical elements is the perfect way to placate a stoner’s delusions of intellectual grandeur. If a movie makes a pothead do what Kuato pleads Arnold to do in Total Recall (that would be to “open your mind”; but I would add to that “open your mind… and go hit on the chick with three boobs”), then it’s on course to becoming The Best Movie To Watch On 4/20.

Rule #8: No Sports

When has any stoner ever thought about playing sports, EVER (other than Michael Vick)? That’s what I thought. So skip McConaughey in We Are Marshall and cue up something like Failure To Launch instead (at least then you can make “Sarah Jessica Parker is a horsey” jokes.

Rule #9: Swords Are Cool, Don’t Forget That

True story. If swords play an integral part in the movie, then all the better. Plus it gives you the opportunity to stage a full on recreation of the SNL Sean Connery Celebrity Jeopardy skit. I’ll take “Swords” for 5,000!

Rule #10: Any Movie About Law Enforcement, Prison, Addiction, Or Parental Guilt Is Off-Limits

The Shawshank Redemption is all kinds of awesome, but not on 4/20. Watching a movie about jail only serves to remind you that pot is illegal and you could very easily be switching places with Tim Robbins should some opportunistic cop try to get the jump on his monthly misdemeanor quota. And as much as we may enjoy movies where parents disprove of the hero’s life choices only to come around at the end and accept the fact that Adam Sandler really is a good father for that untalented munchkin who currently infects the Disney Channel, why watch a movie that reminds you that you’re parents would probably not like what you’re doing right now. Guilt is the worst emotion a stoner can feel.

So, after careful consideration of all these rules, and a thorough examination of the entirety of the known world’s film catalog, I have come to the determination that the one film that stands above the rest as The Best Movie To Watch On 4/20 is…

The Joy Luck Club!

You got a foreign language, sub-titles, swords, enticing Asian food, Ming-Na Wen at her most pre-Mulan coolest, discussions about living life under a communist regime and breaking away to pursue democracy, no sports whatsoever, a random Andrew McCarthy reference and best of all, an open invitation to discuss Pat Morita’s rightful place in the pantheon of pop culture. Plus, the movie is nearly impossible to sit through when you’re sober, so this is the perfect time to bang out one of those “great movies” you’re always putting off because you have better things to do than take the two hours to watch the generational struggle of four women from China who come to America to give their daughters a better way of life (and let one of them bang Andrew McCarthy).

So today, as you honor this absurd national holiday and sit down to enjoy a quality stoner flick, I implore you to heed the rules of choice and watch the only right movie for this day, The Joy Luck Club.

Happy 4/20!

Bangarang!

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